Touching From A Distance

(First published in Percy Main v Rutherford programme 21st May 2011)

Well here we are at the end of another season. While Percy Main may be ringing down the curtain on a modestly successful first campaign back in the Alliance Premier Division today, tomorrow sees the last big game in this area of 2010/2011; I’m obviously talking about Byker Key Club against The Turbinia in the Newcastle Central Sunday Afternoon League President’s Trophy at Purvis Park, kick off 2.30.

Many of you may have thought I’m talking about Newcastle United versus West Brom which kicks off at 4 and costs the thick end of £30 to attend. The strange thing is that only 2 years on from emerging from 20 wasted years as a season ticket holder and a year on from still catching a dozen games (most of them on freebies), I’ve only seen the Magpies in the flesh 4 times this season and not at all in 2011. The sad facts are that, having seen home losses to Blackburn (I only went because West Allotment v Benfield was called off that night), Arsenal in the League Cup (I took the bairn as a supposed treat) and Man City on Boxing Day (the ticket was a Christmas present), the 0-0 draw against Fulham, the day the Main’s trip to Amble United in the League Cup was rained off, is my season highlight as a Newcastle fan of 38 years standing, as it’s the only one we didn’t lose. Apart from those 4 games, I also watched the opening day battering at Old Trafford in the pub and caught up with the new-fangled concept of internet streaming to watch the frankly astonishing 4-3 win at Chelsea in the League Cup, to make it half a dozen times I actually watched the side I still nominally follow, in real time.

Ignoring tomorrow, Newcastle have played a grand total of 41 games, meaning I’ve missed seeing them on 35 occasions. As Percy Main’s fixtures clashed with the Mags 14 times, including seeing half an hour of the Wolves away game on dodgy TV in The Hastings after Delaval away, but not the glamorous League Cup tie away to Accrington Stanley (the only away game I could possibly have imagined attending), this left 21 Newcastle games and, almost unbelievably, all bar 5 of those were on television. This handful of games is easier to account for; as they crashed 5-1 at Bolton on November 20th, I was at Benfield v Stokesley, while the Spurs away game over Christmas coincided with my Over 40s team’s annual game on Longsands. On January 5^th I broke with tradition to listen to the 5-0 battering of West Ham on local radio. I did the same for the draw at the Mackems and in mid-February I played 5 a side when they won at Birmingham. The difficult task was avoiding the 16 televised fixtures.

Long before I jacked in going to SJP, I’d grown sick of televised football via satellite, so I cancelled my Sky Sports subscription back in about 2006 and I must admit I’ve not regretted it. I also don’t regret not watching Newcastle United in the pub as the variety of saloon bar cretins who know nowt about the game makes those who attend the game seem like Brian Glanville clones; hence I’ll do anything to avoid having to listen to the inanities of those who feel that the more Fosters they drink, the more valid their opinions become. When Villa were beaten 6-0, Laura and I were at the North Tyneside Horticulture Show at The Parks. Her Uncle Bill and Auntie Linda took us out for Sunday lunch when Stoke won 2-1 at SJP. The loss at Man City and the win at Arsenal took place while I was doing my mam’s garden. While the Mags came from behind to win at West Ham, I watching Doncaster beat Sheffield United on BBC2; good game it was too!

Surely I would have made efforts to see The Halloween massacre of the Mackems? Well, not really; Laura and I were in Tynemouth market during the game, but I knew the score and we got to the Oddies just in time to see Darren Bent making it 5-1; great timing or what? I was back also looking at second hand books and records when Chelsea escaped from Tyneside with a point and Christmas shopping in town when West Brom gave Chris Hughton his P45. When Roy Hodgson moved closer to his as Liverpool were blown away in Pardew’s first game, I was in Glasgow; Partick Thistle v Ross County and Teenage Fanclub at the ABC were far preferable. I was out for Sunday lunch when Newcastle won at Wigan on Jan 2^nd and visiting my mam during the Stevenage debacle and the Villa loss. Despite being offered a freebie for Man United, I opted for Whitley Bay 0 South Shields 0 and was at the Sunday afternoon finals at Purvis Park for the Liverpool and Chelsea games of late.

My intention is to go through all of 2011 without seeing a Newcastle game. The reason being is, this season when I watch they average 0.25 point per game and when I don’t, this climbs to 1.3 points. If I keep away forever, Newcastle might win something!!