Stick Don't Twist

 2017/2018: 44 points; 10^th place

2018/2019: 45 points; 13^th place

2019/2020: 44 points; 13^th place

2020/2021: 45 points; 12^th place

 

What should it be then; #BruceOut or #StickWithSteve? With an average points’ haul of 44.5 and a median 12^th place finish, the whole skeleton of contention is whether we are looking at stability or stagnation? Should the man who can’t stop running off at the mouth about any perceived criticism on social media, yet remains strangely silent when quizzed about the squalid conditions his tenants are forced to endure in his slum properties in England’s second city, be allowed to continue in post? Like every question raised in relation to Newcastle United, there are no easy answers. All we can rightly infer from the 2 years since Benitez hauled his ample ass to China in search of a mammoth payday is that he is out of a job, Bruce is somehow still in one and that Newcastle United have a vastly improved squad. Also, Yoshinori Muto’s coming home, fresh from leading the line for Eibar to such good effect they secured la cuchara de madera / zurezko koilara with little opposition. And people whinge about Bruce signing Joelinton…

The last Newcastle United blog I penned came in the wake of the catastrophic and seemingly terminal 3-0 humiliation away to Brighton. Back then, it seemed only a matter of time before Fulham, who had just gone to Anfield and won, overtook Newcastle and landed a decisive blow in the relegation dogfight, consigning Bruce’s Front Foot Mags to life in the Championship, with the prospect of annual defeats at the hands of the People’s Club of Wearside. Putting the fate of Donald Stewart’s broken playthings to one side for the moment; it needs to be relentlessly pointed out that NUFC, in finishing above Burnley, Brighton, Southampton, Crystal Palace and Wolves, stayed up by a whopping 17 points and, in pure mathematical terms, the result that kept us up was the draw against Spurs in the very next game after the Brighton debacle. The table never lies and sometimes truth is stranger than fiction.

The Spurs game took place on Easter Sunday, which was the first time we’d seen Laura’s mam since Christmas. As a result, I obviously opted for a mammoth roast lamb Sunday lunch than the football, so I caught up on proceedings after family duties had been fulfilled. The one constant of the Newcastle revival that started that day was the outstanding contribution of Joe Willock and his late goal, scored just as the usual campaign of cynical denigration was gathering momentum on Twitter, is the precise moment safety was assured. However, at the time, I felt that Villa doing something for Newcastle for once, in shaking off their lethargy to cuff Fulham aside, not to mention Southampton’s comeback triumph over Burnley, were both highly important in the greater scheme of things, helping to maintain more of a buffer between us and the drop zone.  Man Utd’s defeat of Brighton made it an almost perfect day, though in retrospect, our poor finishing allowed a disintegrating Tottenham side, spoken of as potential champions back in November, off the hook. Mind it still took a last gasp win by a coasting Wolves outfit at Craven Cottage the following week to keep us out of the bottom 3, even if we had 2 games in hand.

Strange as it may seem, not all Geordie eyes were on events down the Hammersmith Road, as the seemingly dormant NUST came out of hibernation to launch the 1892 Pledge, aimed at eventually buying a share in the club, during the midweek. Now my position remains that Ashley is the modern equivalent of either Louis XVI or Czar Nikolai, while the vile, rapacious shower of despots from Saudi Arabia that seek to replace him, are The Reign of Terror crossed with Stalin’s purges, ready to make people pine for the halcyon days of Joe Kinnear and Derek Llambias. Sometime, eventually, a gang of venture capitalist bounty hunters who don’t defenestrate homosexuals or stone adulterous women to death will buy Newcastle United. I’d love the idea of fans being in on that deal, or indeed any deal, to act for the good of the club, rather than sitting on a sand dune showing off their watches or pretending they’ve got compromising photos of the Premier League in a seedy hotel with enough whores and whiskey to get questions asked in the House. While the 1892 Pledge stinks to high heaven of a TF covert operation, it’s a laudable idea, though somewhat less impressive than the Man Utd lot getting the Liverpool game called off. Indeed, until Cummings sang on the stand like the most vengeful canary that ever drew breath, I had wondered whether the Tories might take the 50 plus 1 German model on board, more in response to the failed ESL proposals than NUST’s suggestion. Now, all bets are off, as Realpolitik and a desperate struggle for power and influence in Parliament that dwarfs even the NUFC Podcast War, comes to the forefront of civic life.

Back in April, Newcastle were on the road to Burnley. We went in a goal down, having played poorly, but being denied a definite penalty when Sean was flattened. Never mind, ASM was there to win us the game with an unbelievable solo slalom that wasn’t bettered until Willock did it at Fulham on the final day. However, the doom mongers were still unimpressed; having been forced to row back on claims we’d not win until Sheff Utd, they then reckoned we’d lose the next 5 and West Brom, who somehow won a game, were now seen as being a threat to our survival of greater magnitude than Fulham, though it should be pointed out that Fulham (1 win and 5 losses in their 6 previous games) were promoted on social media as having more momentum than Newcastle (1 loss and 7 points in 6 games). Honestly, most NUFC fans are only happy when they’re moaning.

Same thing happened after the West Ham game. I didn’t see a second of it as I was at Tynemouth Cricket Club, but I was delighted to learn we’d completed a double over the Premier League’s most improved side, while the usual Twitter squad went on and on about squandering a 2-0 lead. It was a quintessential Bruce performance; rousing attacking intent and meek defensive capitulation, with the happy ending of a get out of jail winner after a prolonged week of games because of Cup ties, which saw all of our rivals, get beat. Nice luck if you can find it eh Steve? Indeed, bringing Sean off for Willock was a good move in that it enabled him to get to TCC by 4.00 to see us beat Felling.

The week after saw the trip to a suddenly less than impregnable Anfield where the VAR nonsense that disallowed Wilson’s goal should not be allowed to gloss over the second half performance that had the deposed Champs out on their feet. Of course, if Wilson had scored then Willock wouldn’t have, so we didn’t have victory denied us, but we did deserve 3 points for our pluck. All in all, 4 games unbeaten and a 9 point cushion over the bottom 3 showed that things were going nicely. However, with a Willockless side against Arsenal, we turned in another sluggish, half-hearted performance and deservedly lost, to the utter delight of the Anti-Bruce mob. The widespread social media blackout by sporting institutions, commentators and journalists was almost uniformly respected, except by NUFC Twitterati who continued to play out a cyber bear baiting contest; a plague on both their houses, whether they be in Dubai or Dudley. Indeed, the only positive football news of that whole weekend was Hebburn 3 Consett 2 in last year’s Vase. I’d wanted Consett to win, for all the ex-Benfield lads in their ranks and for their boss Terry Mitchell, but it wasn’t to be.

Mind if you thought Hebburn’s progress from Northern League obscurity to Wembley winners was a fairy-tale, what about Newcastle at Leicester? This was even better than the semi-mythical destruction of Bournemouth last year. Of course, Bournemouth went down and Leicester won the FA Cup, which is an important difference, but it was good to see Newcastle emulating Sheffield United (Man Utd), West Brom (Chelsea), Fulham (Liverpool), Burnley (Arsenal and Liverpool) and Brighton (Liverpool) in pulling off a storming win away to one of the division’s heavyweights, playing brilliant football from start to finish. Obviously, the Twitter knives still came out after Leicester’s consolations, but what do you expect? It was nice to have such a convincing win and see West Brom and Fulham bite the dust as well. Next year I’d expect Watford, Palace and whoever wins the play-offs to go down. Then again Wolves haven’t exactly covered themselves in glory and if Bielsa leaves Leeds, they’ll be headless chickens.

 

The Man City game was absolutely mental. Despite falling over so often I wondered if he had an inner ear infection, this may have been Joelinton’s coming of age party. What a penalty! But why didn’t he take 2? The whole evening was more of an end of term party than an end of season game. Nice to see Scott Carson back on Tyneside, conceding 3 as ever; even nicer to see Bruce win the Manager of the Month award, with its attendant curse of inevitable defeat. It may have been a bit of a circus, but the last two games against Sheff Utd and Fulham were far more important; we harvested 6 points, moved convincingly up the table, kept clean sheets, played in second gear and held the opposition at arm’s length throughout. Not only that, we displayed a great team spirit, which was something I’d worried about in terms of the crowd for the Blades game.

When it was announced that the 10,000 tickets would be issued by ballot, I sincerely hoped that the moaning, whining complainers from Twitter wouldn’t apply, as I didn’t want us to be shown up by some wankers in Saudi headdresses waving handmade, We love Rafa placards. In the end, it seemed as if any booing came from a tiny minority and was restricted to full time, so the shame of the North East Trophy went to the Mackems who were getting battered all over by Lincoln in the play-offs.

To stick with them for a moment, I obviously didn’t see the second leg, but the memory of Burge handing the Imps their second goal at Sincil Bank will stay with me forever. Now, as they face THEIR 4^TH SEASON IN THE OLD THIRD DIVISION, it is time for them to show some humility. Despite the manner in which many Newcastle fans behave, there is only one club considered the laughing stock of the region. At least they’ll get to defend the Papa John Trophy next season, I guess. On a similar culinary matter, I am a subscriber to the official SAFC emails, as I like something to cheer me up each week. Sadly, this week’s offering had me almost in tears. No showreel for potential suitors of Remi Matthews or solemn farewell to Grant Leadbitter, just an advert to dine at the newly refurbished Riverview Brasserie at SoS. Alas, this is no emporium for haute cuisine, offering delights such as pommes frites au fromage avec boissons gazeuses bleues but the equivalent of a British Homes Stores style lunch counter, offering the kind of banal, retro home cooking that your average Hendon Heston Blumenthal or Pennywell Marco Pierre White will think of as being geet posh. It isn’t; it’s Brexit on toast for those who ate special school dinners with their hands. Of course, decent food won’t keep your team up; witness Kilmarnock, home of the celebrated Killie Pie, dropping to the Scottish Championship.

 

So, to Fulham and another easy win. Looking at the 7 loan players playing at quarter pace for the home side, thoughts we could finish below them were deemed ever more risible as the game went on. A sense of pride at what we’d achieved swept over me; Villa did well and so did Leicester, but Everton, Spurs, Wolves and Brighton had shamefully underachieved, though we didn’t. We did alright you know. If you delete the Brentford League Cup game, the two Brighton debacles and Sheffield United away, we matched our reasonable ambitions. Full time and it was time to say goodbye and great thanks to Joe Willock. Less applause for the likes of Andy Carroll, Atsu, Saivet and possibly Murphy, who all depart, relatively unmourned. Biggest disappointment of the season has been Lewis, but he’s of limited resale value. We’d be better flogging Almiron who was toss 95% of the time and if anyone can explain what Gayle did to deserve another 3 years, then please tell me….

And so we move on to 2021/2022 with renewed optimism, secure in the knowledge that we have further bouts of internecine podcast warfare, on-line griping, the treading of the stagnant, pelagic football zone and reviews of gaudy watches by vulgar ex-pats to look forward to. Stick with Steve, as it’s the safe option. I’m hoping we can make it into the Top 10.

Endless Artistry

 My two favourite pop groups have just released new records. Unsurprisingly, they are brilliant -:

Music:

The signs are that 2021 will be one of the most important years for recorded music in a long while. After the despair of 2020’s pandemic and lockdown, this year’s models have come out fighting. We might not be in the physical presence of beauty, power and fearsome creativity on the stages in front of us just yet, but records by Arab Strap and Mogwai have already been the next best thing. Soon we will have the latest magnum opus from mad madrigal Alex Rex, but we have recently been touched by the genius of Godspeed You! Black Emperor and Teenage Fanclub; two of my most beloved bands of all time, though more disparate outfits you could not imagine.

GB!YE’s seventh album, G_d’s Pee at State’s End!,  finds this extraordinary band at their angriest, saddest and most beautiful; sometimes simultaneously. Revitalised and repositioned by the mirroring of their own internal, artistic turmoil by world events, the album begins with a hypnotic 20 minutes of almost normal clarion-call guitar, displaying a return to rock after 2017’s Luciferian Towers, favoured more ambient drones. It sounds like a disintegrating DIY funeral mass; a rallying cry shot through with despair and disgust. Although G_d’s Pee at State’s End! does not specifically address those fallen to the virus, the band’s swelling compassion embodied in the old world strings and hovering organ aches, brings to mind all those excess deaths.

 

GY!BE have long since made it their business to see outrage everywhere and end times all the time. Theirs is the sound of fires raging at oil installations, lighting up black skies and politicians telling outright lies to justify a land grab for more environment-wrecking. G_d’s Pee at State’s End! received its world premiere online at the end of March. In lieu of a gig, the band’s two film projectionists set up in an empty theatre and accompanied the new album with a compendium of signature black and white film visuals. The word HOPE scratched white on black on celluloid opened the broadcast, as it has at many previous GY!BE gigs; images of pylons, riot footage and oil fires blazing against dark skies all featured.

Even by this band’s lofty standards, G_d’s Pee at State’s End! is a particularly impressive bulletin from their ideological HQ; they are still head and shoulders above most other music that sails under the flag of post-rock. Consisting of four sections, two longer and complex, and two shorter, comprising drone and the pastoral, the album takes GY!BE back to basics: martial drumming, air-punching guitar dramatics, surging drones and sampled found sound, but with the considered nuance of years spent expanding their brief.

The moral bankruptcy of western democracies looms large, as ever, but glaciers, paranoia, prettiness and dedications all feature. Five Eyes All Blind refers to the espionage alliance of the US, UK, Canada, Australia and New Zealand; Where We Break How We Shine seems, by contrast, to suggest a meme about fire flies. Serene closer Our Side Has to Win (for DH) offers up a new dawn in the light of all that has gone before. These are wordless requiems for a saner world, pummelled home with elegiac feeling. The most beautiful thing they’ve ever done. This isn’t the end.

When Gerry Love announced he was leaving Teenage Fanclub, it set off alarms bells for all devotees of the greatest pop band in the history of humanity. Better than the Beach Boys, The Beatles, The Byrds and Big Star, the Fannies had grown up in public with almost 30 years of perfect, rhythmic power pop, with Gerry’s contributions an essential part of the legacy of superb sound. It wasn’t so much his bass playing, as the wonderful Dave McGowan is clearly able to hand 4 string duties, as part of a beefed-up band that saw Norman’s pal Euros Childs installed on keyboards, but the future absence of his songs.

Fiercely democratic, the last few TFC albums had seen songwriting duties split three ways between Gerry, Norman and Raymond. The worry, dare I say it, was not that Raymond couldn’t step up to the mark by producing half a dozen musical nuggets but, whisper it, Norman’s contributions were a plateauing to say the least. Could the man whose energy has driven the band onwards since the 80s were turning into the 90s, show us he still had it in him?

Panic over; Endless Arcade begins with Home, an angst-suffused 8-minute, two-guitar solo epic that is definitely the best thing he’s written since It’s All In My Mind from Man Made in 2005. Live, I would imagine it will be the equal of Everything Flows. Those are not empty words; they are the truth. Endless Arcade has 11 glorious cuts of the finest grade chiming guitars, heavenly harmonies and heartfelt emotion. I have to say I think Warm Embrace is a load of old toffee mind!

Raymond, whose contributions to the last album Here were of a uniformly high standard, raises the bar yet higher. Not only is there the glum but golden Everything Is Falling Apart that hinted the album was underway, but The Future and Silent Song are up there with the best songs he’s ever contributed.  It won’t be until next April before I get to see the lads, in Leeds not at Barras sadly, but I can’t wait until I do. Incidentally, other gigs include Arab Strap at the Boilershop, Alex Rex at the Cumberland and, wonderfully, Godspeed You! Black Emperor at the Barras in January 2022.

 

Books:

In my last cultural update, I waxed lyrical about Cane Warriors by Alex Wheatle, the Brixton-born author whose early biography was portrayed in one of Steve McQueen’s acclaimed Small Axe films on BBC1 late last year. Recently I’ve had the pleasure of reading Wheatle’s Crongton quartet for young adults: Liccle Bit, Crongton Knights, Straight Outta Crongton and Home Girl. Set in the fictional South London satellite Crongton, which appears to be more Thamesmead than Brixton, the books tell the story of the tribulations of growing up in such an area when your disinclination to carry a weapon marks you out as weird and vulnerable.

Wheatle is superb in both his descriptions and his characterisation. We really get inside the heads of the teenage protagonists, understanding their motivations and miseries in a realistic way. Admittedly the plot is episodic and predictable, but in many ways that doesn’t matter; we’re more concerned with the minutiae of the characters’ lives than the realism and importance of events. I thoroughly enjoyed these books, but feel I’ve done my bit with Wheatle’s oeuvre. I’d definitely recommend him to those of you with mid teen kids or grand kids; fast-paced, gritty and uplifting tales from the wrong side of the tracks.

David Byrne, of Talking Heads fame, is also an accomplished writer. His two-wheeled travelogue, Bicycle Diaries, ostensibly takes us around the world to cities Byrne has explored on his foldaway bike. Except it isn’t really about cycling at all; it’s as much a guidebook as Animal Farm is a treatise on agricultural husbandry. This is not the place to come if you want to know how to fix a puncture or what kind of bike to buy, though the appendix does offer some cursory tips on security and maintenance.

Byrne's journey begins in London. His first route is from Shepherd's Bush to Whitechapel, measuring his progress by using the city's monuments as markers. He doesn't tend to dwell on the actual journeys, though, but ruminates instead on the people and places he encounters en route. These thoughts often lead on to deeper thoughts about, among other things, buildings and food. Once you have surrendered to Byrne's discursive style and lateral way of thinking, the book starts to make more sense.

This is an engaging book: part diary, part manifesto, where we discover he has cycled in Berlin, Buenos Aires, Istanbul, Manila and Sydney. He has even cycled through Baltimore, where he grew up, though, interestingly, there is nothing here about cycling in Dumbarton, where he was born. Even more impressively, he once cycled from the centre of Detroit to the suburbs, where the desolation makes him think of postwar Berlin, as "one of the most memorable bike rides I've ever taken". Byrne also acknowledges the growing problem of the aggressive urban cyclist in his chapter about cycling in New York. "I might be unrealistic," he writes, "but I think that if bikers want to be treated better by motorists and pedestrians then they have to obey the traffic laws just as much as they expect cars to."

One of the great rewards that comes with editing glove is the chance to see people I’ve published going on to greater things. Of course, my role in their successes is an irrelevant, minimalist one, especially in the case of the stellar talents that are Jim Gibson and Gwil James Thomas. Jim, who came to prominence with Hand Job magazine and then Low Light, which he edits, is a kind of Flannery O’Connor of the East Midlands; spinning tales of gore and misfeasance on the places DH Lawrence stood, but never understood. His latest chapbook, volume 2 of Hidden Valley is a superb and stressful read. The hills have eyes round there. Keep away after dark.

Of a much gentler hue is Lonesome, Wholesome Soup by Gwil James Thomas. These deeply personal, cathartic poems are shot through with ironic self-criticism. When he runs himself down it isn’t because he wants to spare us the bother, but because he knows he doesn’t need to, but feels better for having done so. If Jim Gibson makes you recoil in horror, Gwil’s work makes you snort with sympathy and reach out to put an arm round his shoulder and buy the fella a good hot meal. Two minor classics by a pair of brilliant, individual voices.

Looking ahead, there are some huge new publications on the horizon: James Ellroy, David Keenan and David Peace are all ready to drop new titles in the next few weeks. In addition, Bob Stanley’s Excavate is still on my bedside cabinet, though I’m still feeling a bit MESmithed-out after a surfeit of Fall books last year.

 

 

Neighbourhood Watch

 Groundhopping on my doorstep...

The weather’s rancid isn’t it? Snow in May, I ask you. Hailstones hitting the ground on a daily basis. Incessant deluges washing out an entire week’s cricket with the worry of more downpours to come. I suppose the good news is that Tynemouth’s Midweek Social XI remain unbeaten, but that’s of no consequence when you can’t watch or play the greatest game.

So, last Saturday, I was forced to find alternative entertainment. I suppose the most prestigious contest in the area was the Falcons at home to London Irish, but no fans were allowed access to a well-deserved and long-awaited home triumph, what with it being elite sport. Down a few levels, Hebburn Town were taking on Rylands in the quarter final of the 2021 FA Vase, but the contest took place not on South Tyneside but in Warrington, where the Hornets surrendered their crown after a whole 6 days of being reigning champs. A 1-0 defeat was probably a game too far for them, following the pulsating 3-2 victory over Consett at a deserted Wembley the Monday previous in the 2020 final. With a quartet of ex-Benfield players in their ranks, I’d sided towards the Steelmen, but I’m sure the loss will help Terry Mitchell, a fine football man, to lead the side from Belle View to promotion next season. Meanwhile Shildon and Stockton will join Hebburn, who only a few years ago were on the edge of oblivion, in the Northern Premier next year. Good luck to them all, though as Benfield lost every league game at Stockton by a 4-0 margin, I’ll not miss them.

Slightly less prestigiously, Hebburn Under 23s are now in the semi-final of the Durham FA Minor Cup, where they’ll travel to Ryhope CW Under 23s on the last Saturday in May. They were at home in the quarter finals last weekend, where they saw off the challenge of Darlington Deacon Arms 2-1. I didn’t consider this as an option as it was being played at Hebburn Sports Club and not at Clegwell on the 4G, where the Junior Hornets have turned out a few times and I’ve yet to visit. Another game I didn’t consider was the Northern Alliance Neville Cowey Cup final at Seaton Delaval between Heaton Stan A and Cullercoats Reserves, which Russ Ward’s side won by 1-0 and so massive congratulations to him. The reason for my disinclination to visit Wheatridge Park, despite Neville Cowey being our devoted secretary and treasurer back in Tyneside Amateur League days (even if neither of the participants soiled their boots in the TAL) being the unequivocal statement on the Alliance website, rigorously reiterated on their social media posts that spectators would not be admitted under any circumstances. This is presumably what is known as the Ponteland Defence, making it clear from the outset that orders will be obeyed without question.

Grudgingly, I’ll admit that’s fair enough under Covid regulations, as is the decision to avert the prying eyes of the great unwashed from the Amateur Cup final between Cramlington Town and Newcastle Independent at Forest Hall on May 12^th and Burradon & New Fordley against Whitley Bay Reserves back at Delaval in the Challenge Cup on Saturday 15^th. What really puzzles me is why Wednesday 19^th’s Combination Cup final between Cramlington United and Prudhoe YC at Forest Hall is similarly being held behind closed doors, especially as there is nothing in the Covid regulations to forbid it. The relaxation of May 17^th is why both the Durham and Northumberland FAs have organised their two cup competitions to be played after that date, with the lesser cups coming to a conclusion in June.

I inquired of @nfalliance1890 on Twitter why they had decided on such an appallingly short-sighted decision, to which I received this bemusing, tautological response; A decision was made that all finals are behind closed doors. Dates available for finals are limited and it's not right to have one game with when the other 3 are without therefore all stay behind (cl)osed doors unfortunately. It's not something we wanted. But they did it anyway; absolutely baffling and a public relations disaster, if mildly pissing off 250 middle aged blokes in bad trainers can be regarded as such.

Thus, I decided to to delve into the North East Combination League (NCFL) for the first time ever. Following the TAL’s amalgamation with the Alliance, the only place where adult Saturday afternoon football is played at a lower level on Tyneside is in the NCFL, which is effectively a parallel synthesis of the North Northumberland League (I’ll get to Embleton one day, I promise you) and the Newcastle Corinthians League, a kind of former Varsity competition that co-existed with the TAL. For a few years we’d reached out to the Corinthians to try and organise some kind of merger or even a cup tournament. They never once replied to our emails or letters. I don’t think it was ignorance or snobbery, just woeful administration that kept the two of us leagues apart (geddit?). However, the relaunched and rebranded competition seems to have undergone a Renaissance and has three divisions I know of, plus the North Northumberland scion.

Looking at the weather, the big derby between Fawdon and Fawdon Park, reffed by the ageless and immobile Ken Redfearn, looked promising, but as it was at Druid Park on 4G, it was kept for emergencies. Instead, I decided to visit the closest ground to my High Heaton house for a game of adult 11-a-side for the first time ever; Manor Park, home of Heaton Hawks, for the visit of Redheugh B in a quarter final of the NCFL Knockout Shield.

Now, this is where I have to be careful, as the bloke who does Redheugh first team’s Twitter gave me a right coating after my last blog, when I didn’t describe their 1-1 draw with Newcastle Independent as being the modern equivalent of France 3 Germany 3 at the 82 World Cup. When I pointed out Redheugh may wish to employ a Press Officer to write screeds of purple prose, they became somewhat sniffy. Well, what can I say? Their B team play better football than the A team and the two lads up front, a stocky bloke with a close crop and a Patrick Bamford lookalike who finished marvellously to tie the game up at 3-1, look very impressive.

What I liked about this game was not only could I leave home at 1.25 and see the kick off at half past, I could also nip home for a tinkle and a coffee, in a travel mug obviously (the coffee I mean), and still be back for the second period. Of course, I was forced to watch the game on the patch of grass where I used to train Ben when he kept goal for East End U7s through to U11s, through a wire fence, because of Covid regulations, rather than mingling with the crowd 6 inside the fence. I’d still say negotiating the brambles, thistles and rose bushes in the hedge beyond the fence was more welcoming experience than trying to get sight of the Alliance Cup final taking place 8 miles east.

The final score was 3-1. Heaton, to my surprise, were a proper adult team and not just youngsters that had made their way through the junior ranks. In some ways it would have been better if they were kids, as the perspiration of the game home triers lacked the inspiration to trouble the coarse-tongued visitors. Redheugh outplayed, outfought and outswore their hosts to deservedly book a place in the semi-final. I’ll certainly watch NCFL games again, with Walkergate’s bucolic Fossway home very top of my bucket list. Let’s see what the weather brings eh?

Short Legged Trouser Press

 Cricket is back.....

A year ago, the first lockdown saw us all basking in our living rooms, prevented from enjoying the sweltering great outdoors, where nothing was happening anyway. Weekend after weekend saw glorious sunshine, accompanied by neither cricket nor pints, though at least we eventually had some sort of a season to enjoy, even if the August Bank Holiday was the coldest in 50 years. I suppose such dismal weather prepared us adequately for the privations of the early 2021 season which has been clay cold so far; rather what you’d expect of England in April I suppose.

Despite the temperatures, it is truly marvellous to be back, especially as I’ve now taken over the mantle of Tynemouth Press Secretary from the retiring Don Catley. I say retiring; he’s played all 3 Saturdays for Whitley Bay 2s, taking wickets on each occasion, which isn’t bad for 75 you know. Writing in an official capacity does hasve some responsibilities. For instance, it meant I couldn’t say that Burnmoor are as sporting as Don Revie’s Leeds or that the best thing about the minute’s silence for Phil the Greek on the opening weekend was that it shut Richy Hay up for the first time all afternoon. Although I could still think these things, until my focus shifted when I finally conquered the baffling Covid drinks rules and allowed beer to win out. Pausing only to say how great it was to see friends on and off the pitch, I realise I’m no Neville Cardus when it comes to match reports, but what follows, in italics, are my first 3 efforts at summing up proceedings, with an occasional interpolation about my other cricketing adventures thrown in.

The 2021 season began in earnest for Tynemouth Cricket Club on Saturday 17^th April, when three of the five sides the club are running this year undertook competitive league action, as the Academy Sunday side and Midweek Social XI do not start their fixtures until the end of the month. An under strength first XI hosted 2020 North East Premier League champions Burnmoor in a 50-over league fixture, with two debutants in their ranks. Club professional, Pakistani batsman and medium pacer Muhammad Saad, who has fulfilled the same role at various postings in Yorkshire and Scotland over the previous 6 seasons, was joined by in the team by new bowling recruit Isaac Murray.

For this year, in an experimental tinkering with the established format, each team in the NEPL will play their 11 divisional opponents in a 50-over win/lose game and a win/lose/draw 110-over contest. On Saturday, Tynemouth came agonisingly close to pulling off what had seemed an unlikely win earlier in the afternoon, posting 206/7 in response to Burnmoor’s 209 all out from 49.3 overs. Fresh from his endeavours at St James’ Park earlier in the afternoon, where Newcastle had claimed 3 points from a topsy-turvy encounter with West Ham, TCC stalwart Sean Longstaff was witness to another thrilling encounter, though not with as positive an outcome this time around.

Having won the toss and elected to field, skipper Matthew Brown may well have been rueing his decision as the visitors’ Ryan Pringle made his way to an untroubled century, featuring 11 boundaries and three 6s, as Burnmoor were ominously poised to make a mammoth total, at 183/5 with 10 overs to go. However, kudos to the home bowlers for wresting control of the game’s destiny away from the visitors. Saad claimed 3/35 from his 10 overs and spinner David Mansfield produced an economical and controlled spell of 2/23. Remarkably, the final 5 overs produced only 6 runs, leaving Tynemouth with a challenging, but by no means impossible, target of 210 to claim victory.

To be in with a chance, Tynemouth needed a solid start, which is precisely what Ben Debnam, who top scored with a combative 54, and Barry Stewart, providing able support with 31, managed to do by amassing 78 runs before Stewart was stumped. Saad contributed 20, as a cameo of what he will be capable of in the future. The Central Punjab man’s dismissal saw a mini collapse, before skipper Brown, assisted by Andrew Smith, contributed 42 and 31 respectively, in even time. Brown’s dismissal with 20 required in the penultimate over meant the final total was just too exacting for Tynemouth, but the harvesting of maximum batting and bowling points from a losing position, is something to take comfort from.

Meanwhile, the Second XI travelled to Ashbrooke, to take on Sunderland.  On a seaming pitch that always made batting difficult, Niall Piper and Dan Thorburn mirrored the start enjoyed by the First XI, and put on 78 for the opening wicket, posting the top scores of the innings with 42 and 39 respectively. Skipper Andrew Davison made 24 and Chris Beevers went one better, leaving Tynemouth 189/8 before an unbroken ninth wicket partnership by the elegant James Carr (33*) and Adam Williams (31*) resulted in an imposing total of 258/8. In response, the home side never really got going in the face of accurate Tynemouth bowling, for whom Neil Bennett produced an outstanding 3/18, while Sam Robson’s 3/45 and 2/31 by the elegant Carr were crucial to the victory. Praise also must be given to Niall Piper, who followed up his strong showing with the bat by claiming 4 catches and a stumping, as Sunderland subsided to 188 and a maximum point 70 run win for Tynemouth.

Finally, Tynemouth 3^rd XI hosted Consett 2^nd XI in a Northumberland and Tyneside Cricket League Division 5 South fixture, winning by 6 wickets. The visitors batted first and compiled 173/6 from their 40 overs. There were notable bowling performances from youngsters Evan Hull Denham and Hamish Swaddle Scott, who each claimed 3 wickets. Swaddle Scott was also in great form with the bat, scoring 63 after opener Josh Koen claimed a diamond duck, out to the very first ball of the season. Luckily, fellow opener Dan Storey showed how it is done, with an elegant, unbeaten 70 as Tynemouth got home with several overs to spare.

The second weekend of the season saw a clean sweep of impressive victories by all 3 Tynemouth Saturday teams. Indeed, wins by 91 runs, 6 wickets with 16 overs to spare and 82 runs should surely be better described as on the crushing side of emphatic. Sadly that is also an appropriate adjective to describe the Academy side’s loss to Newcastle on Sunday.

Last week Tynemouth 1s had suffered an unfortunate 3 run loss to Burnmoor, but the result against Felling, themselves coming off the back of a comprehensive victory away to divisional newcomers Washington, was rarely in doubt after the home side posted a prodigious 271/9 from their 50 overs. What was particularly encouraging about such an impressive total was the way so many batsmen chipped in with valuable runs. Back in the side after being injured last week, Ben McGee contributed 31 to an opening stand of 75 with Ben Debnam, who made 47 before being caught at slip. Durham CC player Mike Jones contributed an effortless 30 before surprisingly chipping an easy catch. Young Joe Snowden is only 17, but his contribution of the same number of runs as his age was an attractive cameo, comprised of fine attacking shots. Skipper Matty Brown played a typically aggressive innings, also making a pugnacious 47. His departure left the game delicately poised; at 206/8, Tynemouth had secured full batting points, but the question whether that would be enough on a superb wicket was a delicate one. Felling’s Alastair Appleby had produced a lovely spell of slow bowling, returning figure of 3/25, but once he was gone, Tynemouth’s David Mansfield and Owen Gourley made rapid progress against the quicker bowlers. Mansfield top scored with 55, before he missed the only straight one Abdul Ameer bowled all day, while Gourley finished on an unbeaten 21, as the total reached 271.

Felling knew they needed a good start in order to threaten the total, but soon found themselves 34/3 as Gourley, Andrew Smith and Muhammad Saad each claimed a victim. Following this early collapse, Sean Dickson and Alan Mustard steadied the ship, taking the score to 94 before Dan McGee had Mustard caught by Smith. Josh Koen chipped in by having Hurst caught behind; one of 4 catches by skipper Brown. After progressing from 99/5 to 132 without further mishap, Felling suffered another collapse, capitulating to 138/9 with Saad, Smith and Dan McGee all claiming scalps. At the end, the crowd were treated to a display of eccentric hitting by Ameer and the ever popular Anthony Trotter, who proved to be more of a threat with bat than ball, finishing with 25 and 16* respectively. Interestingly, when Amir was clean bowled by Dan McGee, he was the only batsmen in the Felling innings not to be caught on a day when every player contributed, and everything went right for the home team.

Tynemouth 2s were away to Newcastle at Jesmond. Having won the toss, Newcastle opted to bat, but sound found themselves up against a magnificent spell by Neil Bennett, who returned the impressive figures of 4/27. Skipper Andrew Davison is often highly deprecating of his bowling, but his 2/21 was crucial in restricting Newcastle to 176. All the bowlers claimed at least one wicket and only the normally so elegant James Carr proved to be expensive, going for 4 an over. The Tynemouth innings was dominated by an unbeaten 69 by Barry Stewart, as well as a fine 47 by wicket keeper and opener Niall Piper. Patrick Hallam chipped in with a tenacious 21 from 68 balls, as others opted to play the attacking role. So successful were Tynemouth in compiling runs, the required total was reached from only 33.4 overs.

No less emphatic was the manner of victory for Tynemouth 3s over Greenside. Batting first, they knocked up an impressive 231/7 in their 40 overs, with the main source of runs being a blistering all-out assault on the Greenside bowling by Rachid “The Power” Hussain, ably supported by Hamish Swaddle-Scott with 19. Swaddle-Scott also proved his worth with the ball, claiming 3 victims, while Evan Hull-Denholm again looked impressive, taking 2. Fittingly, the final victim was claimed by Hussain as Greenside were dismissed for 149, giving Tynemouth a victory by 82 runs.

The Academy came up short at Jesmond against Newcastle where, having won the toss and decided to bat, they were skittled for 114 and lost by 9 wickets. Of course, it’s early in the season and there’s no need to be discouraged by one result.

My itchy feet meant I was determined to complete a full set of NEPL grounds, with only Sundays to rely on. Last year I visited Crook, Lanchester, Willington and Philadelphia for the first time, so this time around; it had to be the remaining pair of Castle Eden and Shotley Bridge that I ticked off. Doing these hikes by public transport, I knew that it would be a trek, but one worth making.  Leaving at 11.00, I caught the Metro to Haymarket and the X10 bus from opposite The Gate. This service no longer serves Eldon Square, as the mega new rolling stock is too large for the bays. Magnificent planning eh? Anyway, I took my leave on the slip road south, leaving Peterlee and hiked it down a pretty country path at the side of the A19 that meandered through Old Shotton and on towards Castle Eden which, now the brewery is long gone, seems to be a one street village without pubs, shops or pretty much any sign of life apart from the vulgar materialists and their big cars at the local golf club.

However, a sign at the Cenotaph set me off on a single track lane that ambled slightly downhill to a picturesque village green ground sat in a hollow, fringed by trees and fields. Another beautiful rural cricket ground, though not in bucolic Northumberland, but prosaic Durham where the semi-ubiquitous concrete boundary slabs of the once Miners’ Welfare grounds hold sway from the Coast to the Upper Pennines. There was a tinge of petty bourgeois aspirationalism that may not be the case at many neighbouring clubs and settlements, but that may just be my typically grumpy reaction to the most annoying dog of the season; a nervous, aggressive Black Labrador that barked as incessantly as Burnmoor appeal.

 

I had my escape to wander away from this cursed canine, as the wicket was so far in one corner, the square leg umpire was standing on the rope. For this NEPL Sunday Southern Group B clash, the home side, who were a mixture of the usual lads and grandads, had chosen to bat first. Their opponents were a youthful, though not callow, Philadelphia, who restricted Castle Eden to a modest 99/7 from 35 overs. The visitors knocked this off for the loss of 2 wickets in only 17 overs and, round of applause proffered, I took another walk of a similar 3-mile duration to Blackhall, enjoying the rapidly broadening seaside vista and gentle, undulating path down to the cold North Sea, where it was 10 degrees colder. Fortified by a supposed Starbucks latte from the local Co-Op, I took a bus to Peterlee and thence the X10 Greyhound to Newcastle and the Metro to Tynemouth. It was a good day out and I felt sad for Castle Eden, who had toiled in vain, harvesting zero points for their endeavours.

Having completed my NEPL set, there is ample opportunity to tick off a few more locations in the NTCL, though not watching Tynemouth 3s as you may have imagined, as my press duties mean it’s the 1s all season for me. There will be opportunities to visit new places on Thursday evenings. In the kind of merger Poland had with Germany in 1939, the Bad Boys have dissolved into Tynemouth’s Midweek Social XI. I’m only joking; it’s actually far more like Austria’s Anschluss with Germany in 1938. We now complete in the NTCL Midweek Third Division, which will see us face: Ashington Rugby, Monkseaton, Newcastle City, Percy Main, Ponteland, Riding Mill and Seaton Burn, with Benwell and Walbottle away in the Ian Appleby Cup as our first game. The benefits are: we get to play on the main pitch at TCC, the bar is open afterwards, we have a defined night to play (Thursday) and there’s a proper umpire to stop Strez giving Mitchy out leg before. The negatives? Well, we’re not called the Bad Boys any longer.

After the usual last minute panic about inclement weather and selection issues, we headed off towards Walbottle with 4 cricketers and 7 socialites in the team. Magnificently, Clarky and Scoff landed at Benwell Hill, though obviously if Jimmy Carr had been available we’d have had nothing to fear from Kyle Coetzer. Anyway,  the wanderers returned, Strez won the toss and we batted, eager to maintain a record of 1 successful chase in 4 seasons. It was freezing, so Mitchy brought a bit of South Central LA to the contest by batting in his hoody. We accumulated 126/7, with Sam and Davo getting decent scores and one of their lads a nasty crack on the head, misjudging a catch.

 Personally, I was relieved not to have to bat as the old hand to eye coordination is long gone. Indeed, by the time I came on in the 10^th over, I’d not touched the ball in play, having retrieved it once from a small leylandii beyond the boundary. Most of the afternoon I’d been aware of a psychosomatic shoulder ache that comes on most times I play, as I’m desperate not to show myself up. Thankfully, I didn’t. I got my lifetime best figures of 4-0-16-4. All bowled. That’s really all I can say, as my memory is still in a state of unreality at events. That’s probably how I took a catch off Strez from the final ball, stooping at cover point to grab hold with unsteady palms. We won by 10 runs, but couldn’t have a beer afterwards. I hardly slept all night.

The weekend previous, Tynemouth’s three Saturday sides produced a clean sweep of emphatic victories. Unfortunately, despite some stunning performances with the bat, all three teams found themselves defeated over the Bank Holiday, as it got no better on Sunday, with the Academy going down to a heavy defeat, though the Midweek Social XI did make a winning start to their cup campaign.

Buoyed up by a crushing win over Felling the week before, Tynemouth CC were able to name an unchanged first XI for their trip to Ropery Lane to face the perennially indomitable Chester Le Street, in a thoroughly engaging spectacle that produced over 500 runs, again justifying the NEPL’s decision to play half the season as 50 over contests. Skipper Matty Brown called correctly and inserted the hosts, who made a dogged and calm start, reaching 88 in the 23^rd over before David Mansfield had Jacob McCann smartly caught by Joe Snowdon. An indication of the untroubled nature of Chester’s start can be gauged by the fact Mansfield was the sixth bowler used with less than half the innings gone. Partly, this was an enforced circumstance, as Owen Gourley had to withdraw from the attack, hors de combat with a sore Achilles.

A sharp shower took the players off for 15 minutes; not long enough for any recalculation under the Duckworth Lewis Stern Method to be deemed necessary, but time for a funfair in the adjoining Riverside Park to begin pumping out an incessant diet of cheesy 1980s dance pop that was to be the soundtrack of the game. When play restarted Dan McGee clean bowled Chester’s Andrew Smith to make the score 94/2. Our own Andrew Smith bowled tenaciously, his 10 overs going for a mere 31, while Mansfield held down the other end: slightly expensive but always offering a threat. He had opener George Harrison caught by Ben Debnam for 48 from a delivery that offered something in the way it moved.

This dismissal was a pyrrhic victory for Tynemouth as it brought Quentin Hughes to the wicket and, ably assisted by John Coxon, who chipped in with 32 before becoming McGee’s second victim, he did his best to take the game away from Tynemouth with a pugnacious 89, including two huge sixes. His dismissal was the third wicket claimed by Josh Koen, who stepped up to the mark with Gourley unable to bowl. Some late and lusty blows by Andrew Bell resulted in Chester Le Street posting an impressive 270/7, meaning Tynemouth needed some weighty contributions if they were to challenge such a total.

Unfortunately, the reply got off to the worst possible start, with Ben McGee bowled round his legs without scoring; one of four ducks in the Tynemouth innings. Ben Debnam followed soon after, leaving the innings in a parlous position at 15/2. Thankfully, Michael Jones and Muhammad Saad are both excellent batsmen and, during their impressive 111 partnership, the balance of power seemed to be shifting decisively. Even when Jones was out for 61, clean bowled by Harrison, the Tynemouth reply did not lose impetus as Brown came to the wicket. With less than 100 needed, following a rapid 50 partnership, the prospects of a Tynemouth win were growing, until Saad was given out leg before for an outstanding 83. Despite Brown’s fluent 50, he was running out of both time and partners, though Josh Koen did his best to provide support. Eventually the reply ended at 241 all out, though the 3.4 overs that went unused would have been ample time to get the remaining runs.

In the reverse fixture at Preston Avenue, batsmen were in the ascendancy. Veteran Barry Stewart, already in excellent form this season, contributed an unbeaten 114. He was more than adequately supported by the youthful Dan Thorburn who hit 58 and Patrick Hallam, who made an unbeaten 30 as a seemingly impregnable 242/1 from 50 overs put Tynemouth in the driving seat. Unfortunately for the hosts, Chester Le Street 2s are as tough and determined as the first XI. An unbeaten 84 by Matthew Cranston and a fine 71 by Josh O’Brien brought them a 7-wicket win, with only Isaac Murray and the elegant James Carr claiming victims. Young Hallam sustained a blow to the ribs, but a precautionary x-ray showed no break, thankfully.

Tynemouth 3s had a tough trip to Chopwell to face GEMS 2^nd XI. A strong-looking home side batted first and stormed to 277/4 from their 40 overs, with Syed Hassan Raza’s 124 and Iftikar Naquib’s 95 largely responsible for the mammoth total. In response, Tynemouth posted a fighting 237 all out. The stand-out performances were Chad Koen’s 69, Jazzy Geoff Simpson’s 62 and supporting cameos by Hamish Swaddle-Scott (33) and Rashid Hassan (29), who had earlier taken 2 wickets apiece, but GEMS were just too strong.

On Sunday, Tynemouth Academy’s 76 all out was never going to be enough away to Benwell Hill, though one piece of good news was the Tynemouth Midweek Social XI’s win over Benwell and Walbottle in the Ian Appleby Cup. Solid knocks of 40 by Sam Robson and 34 by Andrew Davison allowed the former Bad Boys to amass 126/7 from 18 overs. The reply, which saw Benwell and Walbottle fall 10 runs short, saw ian cusack claim a lifetime best 4/18.

I hope that doesn’t sound too conceited, as it’s true. It’s also true I’ve been to every current NEPL ground, plus some former ones like South Shields, Stockton and Tudhoe, but that’s a drop in the ocean compared to where I haven’t been. Looking at the NTCL, across 8 divisions there are 50 clubs fielding 88 teams, of which I’ve only visited 19, to get my teeth into. That’s not even counting the West of Tyne, with 23 teams fielded by 18 teams, of which I’ve been to 7 or Durham and North East (36 clubs, 63 teams and 10 graced by my presence) leagues. My rough maths suggests I need to make pilgrimages by public transport to another 68 cricket grounds to complete all sets but, before I go crazy checking out the North Yorkshire and South Durham League, there’s the matter of my final NEPL visit to consider.

Sat on the X45 from outside the Central, it occurred to me the last time I remember taking that bus was during Newcastle’s second 0-3 pummelling by the Mackems. February 2014 I believe and I was on my way to Consett 1 Benfield 1, where I spent a great afternoon in the company of Steve Brown and Neil Farrington. Because of the social media boycott to protest against racism, I didn’t remind the fellas of that event. I also missed another NUFC home game; they lost 2-0 to Arsenal apparently.

Long before that kicked off, I bailed out on Co-Operative Terrace in Shotley Bridge, where I’d seen a helpful sign directing me down a less than totally paved country lane to the Spa Grounds. It may have been the weather, my hangover or the fact my only connection with the place was my maternal grandfather dying of cancer in the former hospital on 13^th October 1967, but I found Shotley Bridge a little uninspiring. It’s tidy and friendly enough; a patch of flat land and a functional pavilion, smiling young barkeeps offering table service drinks (I didn’t indulge), a decent fringe of trees for one boundary and a steep slope down to the Derwent for another.

The home team batted first against a Lanchester outfit with at least 4 grey-haired Grandpas in the ranks. The first wicket saw an almost tearful opener slink away disconsolately after being given leg before. His mood got worse as news of a first Arsenal goal filtered through from those watching on a big screen in the marquee. Obviously Paul Collingwood wasn’t about as there were no shrieks of joy. No Mark Wood either; he was resting up after Durham had hoovered up the final Warwickshire wickets the night before. Shotley scored quickly, while Lanchester bowled slowly in both senses. Innings closed at 150/5, and I was so frozen that I knew I had to leave. Why do I insist on wearing shorts from March to October, regardless of the weather? I shuffled stiff-legged up the hill and caught a returning X46 just as news of the Old Trafford pitch invasion deflected focus from Newcastle’s predictable home loss. The journey home was spent with my nose in a book, before a check of the scores showed a Shotley Bridge win by 20 runs. I’ll come back one sunny day, I promise.

 This coming weekend, the first XI are away to Hetton Lyons (11.30 start), while the 2s host Ashington (12.00) and the 3s entertain Leadgate 2s (13.00). The Academy host Gateshead Fell 3^rd XI on Sunday (13.30), while the Midweek Social XI make the short trip to Monkseaton on Thursday, for a 6pm start. The enjoyment never ends.