Tuesday 16 April 2024

Steps Forward

Newcastle United; not a bad old month....


The last time I blogged about Newcastle United (https://payaso-de-mierda.blogspot.com/2024/03/drowning.html), things were looking grim. We’d just been timidly ejected from the FA Cup by a Man City team who didn’t need to change out of their slippers to sedately progress to the semi-finals. Not only that, but circumstances were also coming to a head in the Premier League, to the extent that it was more than likely we’d find ourselves in the bottom half within days. Still, look where we were two years ago eh? This set of unpromising circumstances resulted in Mental Mickey completely blowing a gasket and lashing out in every possible direction in his weekly diatribe as we had lost a game of football: owners, management, players and fans, especially the on-line hotheads, were all castigated from on high. I’m not sure whether someone staged an intervention or not, but he disappeared into the ether for a few weeks rest and recuperation, before returning in a more temperate frame of mind a couple of days ago with an anodyne missive that could have been cut and pasted from Lee Ryder’s Big Book of Obsequious Cliches.

After his latest meltdown, I reflected that, with about 2 notable exceptions, the entire cast of beautiful people who’ve set themselves up as the advanced sections of Newcastle United support, whether it’s the True Farce clowns, Denver and his band of Anti-Semitic Islamophobes or the Chronophilic Podcasting Pals of the House of Saud, are only in it for themselves. The Brainless Trust’s ultimate goal seems to be a narcissistic desire to get their grids and dull opinions all over Cyberland, with the accumulation of freebies and cash a distant second motive, rather than any wish to advance the cause of Newcastle United. The exceptions to this rule, as far as I’m concerned, are the fantastic folks behind the NUFC Food Bank collections who keep on grafting in a quiet, sincere way, for the benefit of the most vulnerable residents of our city. You know who these people are and, if you’ve any humility about you, you’ll agree with both my description of them and the fact I don’t need to name names, as they’re not in it for any kind of ego trip.

I think also that NUST are due for plenty of praise in how they are evolving. From a promising debut back in 2008, their integrity and raison d’etre fell away rapidly, to the extent that the organisation became a safe house for corrupt and craven fraudsters, including some who went to jail for getting their hands trapped in the till. A few years under the thumb of True Farce saw them turned into humourless, moribund, emasculated ideologues, more concerned with relentlessly pursuing vendettas against those who didn’t slavishly toe the line, but now, having emerged from that pitiful period, they’re getting on with the job they were formed to do in the first place. Namely, as the only properly constituted, organised member led supporters’ organisation that Newcastle United has, they’re here to ask the hard questions, about ticketing, prices and the future direction of the club as a whole (which is of considerably greater import than the results of the first team) that supporters need the answers to. The fact that one of their most prominent board members is a devoted Food Bank volunteer for every home game, unlike many of those, from the flaccid left to the rigid right, who sought to hijack NUST in the past, shows just how community oriented the Trust has become. Fair play to them and more power to their independent elbows.

During this last run of games, the Food Bank has had plenty of opportunities for collecting donations, with three home games out of the four we’ve played. On the pitch, things have gone quite well, with 10 points harvested from these fixtures, which has masked the latest injury horrors, with the current list of unavailable players extending to: Almiron, Botman, Joelinton, Lascelles, Miley, Pope, Trippier and Wilson. The most serious of the fresh injuries has to be Sven Botman’s, especially as he really ought to have had an operation when the problem first flared up, rather than just resting, which saw him return to the first team and produce performances in the manner of a glorified Boumsong impersonator, though as the eternally erudite @PercyCola pointed out on Twitter, he was astonished to discover that 920 of the 932 people he follows were experts in the diagnosis and treatment of cruciate ligament problems.

Then again, despite half the team hitting the canvas with an array of ailments, the magnificent West Ham game was the perfect explanation for just why we should simply try to enjoy the ride for the remainder of this mad and maddening never ending season. Winning it in an extended period of injury time caused by the endless series of hobble offs we were forced to endure was simply too perfect for words, rather like the winner by the rejuvenated Harvey Barnes. Of course, such a brilliant high could not be sustained. For all the fury occasioned by Dummett’s mindless foul that gave away a wholly unnecessary penalty that got a woeful Everton side out of jail, the fact is we should have been out of sight, were it not for some profligate finishing. The same was true at Craven Cottage, but this time it was the opposition who endlessly fluffed their lines in front of goal, allowing us to claim the three points courtesy of an astute and controlled Bruno goal. Fair play to him for going 10 games without a booking and playing as well as he has done in a Newcastle shirt for that time. Even more plaudits go to his countryman Joelinton, for signing a new deal that already starts to make next season’s midfield look a hell of a lot stronger than the one we’ve been forced into fielding since the turn of the year. Providing Tonali isn’t hit with another ban and has found a way to focus on his on-field responsibilities, we may just be able to achieve our full potential, providing the squad is radically pruned of deadwood and bolstered by quality additions in all areas.

It goes without saying we need to keep Isak, whose recent performances have been almost beyond superlatives. His pair of deadly finishes against the traditional visiting Spurs comedy troupe, were up there with the likes of Mbappe, Ibrahimovich and Harland, though I loved Schar’s exquisite, unmarked header as well. He really is the unsung hero of this team and almost as vital as Bruno, Gordon and Isak.

So, we’ve got 6 games of this campaign. After a free weekend because of the FA Cup semi-finals, we have Crystal Palace (A) on Wednesday 24th, the Blades at home on the following Saturday, before moving into May at Turf Moor on the 4th, then finishing our home campaign with the visit of Brighton on Saturday 11th, with a pair of away trips to Old Trafford (Wednesday 15th) and Brentford on Sunday 19th. God how I’d love us to relegate that floppy haired paranoid gobshite on the last day, but I can’t see it happening. The reverse fixtures saw us accrue 15 points with a goal difference of 17-3, though I can’t see that happening now. However, if we play like we did against Spurs, there’s no reason to be frightened of any of those teams. Time will tell and I suppose I’ll be reflecting on those games once the season is over.



Wednesday 3 April 2024

Fife Flyers

I love Ian Rankin's novels, especially the non-Rebus ones....



2024 is shaping up to be a pretty fine year, in terms of new books by my favourite writers. In chronological order of their projected release dates, I’m looking forward to Sixteen Again, Paul Hanley’s soon published tribute to The Buzzcocks and all they meant to him, before some real fiction heavyweights have their say. Irvine Welsh, Resolution (12th July), David Peace UKDK (1st August), Roddy Doyle The Woman Behind the Door (12th September), Michael Houellebecq Annihilation (19th September) and Ian Rankin Midnight & Blue (10th October).

In preparation for the final book on that list, I’ve set myself the task of reading the complete works of Fife’s finest purveyor of Caledonian Noir. This is no small undertaking, as Rankin has been publishing novels for nearly 40 years; not just the Inspector Rebus series, of which there are 25 volumes, plus a high volume of short stories, two stage plays and an autobiographical commentary on Rebus’s relationship with Scotland as a whole, but his non-Rebus oeuvre. Before embarking on this task, I knew that Rankin wrote novels utterly unconnected to Police Scotland’s most famous intuitive curmudgeon, because the first thing of his that I read was Doors Open, a rattlingly good art heist thriller, set in Edinburgh, though it was only this year that I realised I would have to make my way through the grand total of 11 novels, including one collaboration, a dozen short stories, a graphic novel and a stage play. Though I’ve still got a dozen Rebus novels to finish before I’m ready for the publication of Midnight & Blue, I’ve now finished the rest of Rankin’s work, which I’d like to discuss below.

The Flood (1986): Set in a fictionalised version of Rankin’s home village of Cardenden, a former coal mining settlement in the less salubrious part of Fife, his debut novel is perhaps the most consciously literary text of his entire published output. Starting in the early 1960s, it charts the miserable life of the outcast Mary Miller. As a child, she fell into a stream of pollution from the pit that flowed through the village, which turned her hair permanently white. Initially she was treated with sympathy by the local community, but all that changed when the young man who pushed her in, died in a workplace accident. In the present day, still shunned, Mary is a single mother caught up in a faltering affair with her son’s English teacher. Meanwhile, her son, Sandy, has fallen in love with a strange homeless girl, and, as both doomed relationships hit the rocks, mother and son are forced to come to terms with a terrible secret from Mary's past: Sandy is the product of his late grandfather’s rape of his mother. Nothing good can come of this situation, set amidst the unforgiving dark, suffocating, Calvinist village mentality. The book is both gripping and depressing. It is also considerably better than most of Rankin’s non-Rebus quasi juvenilia.

Watchman (1988): A preposterous espionage thriller, in the manner of Len Deighton, Watchman tells the story of Miles Flint, a surveillance officer who works for MI5. After two high-profile operations involving Flint go badly wrong, with deadly consequences, he is sent to Belfast to witness the arrest of some of the Boys. However, after accompanying a bunch of rather loathsome Loyalists (are there any other kind?), he discovers that what has actually been planned is the murder of the Ra men and then realises that his own life is at risk. As the executions are about to be carried out, Flint escapes with the aid of one of the Provos, who is supposedly a former UVF member who swapped sides after reading about the fellas on the blanket (aye right…). The two of them go on the run, while piecing together the bones of a conspiracy which goes right to the very core of the British Government. Fairly predictably, spilling the beans on this, allows them all to live happily ever after. Flint even manages to patch up his marriage, which had previously been badly on the skids.

Westwind (1990): The Zephyr computer system monitors the progress of the United Kingdom's only spy satellite. When this system briefly goes offline, Martin Hepton becomes suspicious following the death of a work colleague who suspected something strange is going on at the satellite facility where they both work, and then goes missing before winding up dead. Needless to say, Hepton doesn’t believe the official line of suicide. Refusing to stop asking questions, he leaves his old life behind, aware that someone is shadowing his every move.  The only hope he has of getting to the bottom of this mystery is enlisting the services of his ex-girlfriend Jill Watson, a crusading journalist who believes his story. Rather a lot of cross and double-cross occurs on both sides of the Atlantic as Hepton, Watson and her new squeeze, the only astronaut to survive a suspicious space shuttle crash, outwit malfeasant security services and manage to live happily ever after. It’s daft, but very entertaining and hints at the three novels to follow.

Witch Hunt (1993): In the early 90s, recently relocated to rural France and finding that the Rebus books were niche fiction, rather than blockbuster airport reads, Rankin made the decision, presumably for financial rather than aesthetic reasons, to publish some mainstream thrillers under the nom de plume of Jack Harvey, combining his first-born son’s name and his wife’s maiden name. Stylistically, Witch Hunt, Bleeding Hearts and Blood Hunt are all cut from the same cloth; breathless action, one-dimensional or idee fixe characters, labyrinthine plot twists and unconvincing denouements but, as far as page-turners go, they aren’t a bad, undemanding read.

In Witch Hunt, the action begins with the sinking of a fishing boat in the English Channel in the middle of the night, and the evidence points to murder. Ex-MI5 operative Dominic Elder comes out of retirement to help investigate, as it appears that his long-time obsession, a female assassin known as Witch, may be responsible. Using the boat to get to England from France, Witch left a subtle trail of clues to announce her arrival and to warn off Elder, who knows her to be a resourceful enemy, always seeming to be a step ahead of the authorities. With an imminent summit of world leaders to be held in London, Witch's probable target seems obvious. A team of detectives and MI5 agents, and the terrorist, play cat-and-mouse with each other in Scotland, England, France, and even briefly visit a former associate of Witch in prison in Germany, before taking the enemy down, with only one high ranking casualty; the nefarious Home Secretary who turns out to be Witch’s long-estranged father.

Bleeding Hearts (1994): This is the only Rankin novel I know of that is written, only partly I’ll acknowledge, in the first person, though the rest of the narrative is told in the third person, which creates a slightly uncomfortable, if not clumsy, atmosphere. It is also the only novel I’m aware of that is told from the perspective of a haemophiliac hired assassin, one Michael Weston. Yes, we’re talking that level of reality as the wealthy father of a girl he killed by mistake years ago has sworn vengeance on the killer, hiring an American private detective, the deliciously crass Hoffer, to track Weston down. Hoffer does, but doesn’t pull the trigger, as the love of a good woman intervenes and Weston retires from the game, allowing him and Hoffer to part on equal terms with no blood spilled, of the clotted or unclotted variety.

Rankin has claimed that he wrote this book under the influence of Martin Amis's novel Money and that Weston was influenced by that novel's protagonist John Self, but I can’t see any connection myself.

Blood Hunt (1995): In this final Jack Harvey novel, Rankin recycles the character of Gordon Reeve, who was Rebus’s nemesis in the first novel in that series, Knots & Crosses, though he does imagine a different life for Rebus’s former SAS buddy.

The novel begins when Reeve takes a phone call informing him that his brother Jim has been found dead in San Diego. While in the USA to identify the body, Gordon realises that his brother was murdered, and that the police are more than reluctant to follow any leads. Retracing Jim's final hours, he connects Jim's death with his work as a journalist, investigating a multinational chemical corporation. Gordon soon discovers that he is being watched, so he decides to ask Jim's friends back in Europe for further information.

In London, he finds more hints, but no evidence for his brother's sources. After returning to his wife and son, he finds that his home has been bugged by professionals. Sending his wife and son to a relative, he determines to take on his enemy on his own. There are two parties after him: The multinational corporation, represented by Jay, a renegade SAS member, and an international investigation corporation, somehow connected with the case.

Travelling to France, in order to find out more from a journalist colleague of Jim's, they are attacked by a group of professional killers, resulting in multiple deaths, and leading to Gordon becoming a police target. Gordon decides to return to the USA, where he infiltrates the investigation corporation, and learns more about the history of the case. Then he travels to San Diego, to collect more evidence, and eventually returns to England, deliberately leaving a trail for Jay. Their long enmity leads Jay to follow Gordon to Scotland, where Gordon kills him and his team in a final showdown. Gordon manages to locate Jim's hidden journalistic material, thus enabling him to hopefully clear Jim's and his own name. It is by far the best of the three Jack Harvey novels and offers a glimpse into what kind of a writer Rankin would have become, if he’d decided to go down the espionage rather than the psychological police procedural route. Ironically, it was the success of his Rebus novels, not to mention their increasing complexity and the attendant length of time it took him to write the things, that caused Rankin to park the Jack Harvey project.

Beggars Banquet (2002): I read the entire collected Rebus short stories in The Beat Goes On, so when I got this one, I only read the non-Rebus ones and I like them tremendously. Well worth seeking out.

Doors Open (2008): As I mentioned earlier, this was the first Ian Rankin book I read and, only knowing his work from the Ken Stott Rebus dramas at that point, it certainly wasn’t what I expected. Mike Mackenzie is a software entrepreneur who has sold his company for a substantial amount of money but is now bored and looking for a new thrill. His new-found wealth has funded a genuine interest in art so when his friend Professor Robert Gissing presents him with a plan for the perfect crime, he is intrigued. With a vast collection but limited wall space, the National Gallery has many more valuable works of art in storage than it could ever display. The plan is to stage a heist at the Granton storage depot on "Doors Open Day" during which a selected group of paintings will be stolen. The gang will then give the appearance of having panicked and fled without the works of art but will have switched the real paintings with high quality forgeries good enough to convince anyone investigating the matter that no theft has been committed.

Intrigued, Mike willingly helps set that plan in motion. As they begin to plan it out, it becomes clear that they need some "professional assistance" and a chance encounter with Chib Calloway, a local gangster who Mike went to school with, fulfils that need, presumably as Big Ger was on holiday at that point. It’s a good old-fashioned heist yarn, with a surprisingly moral ending. I suppose if I hadn’t enjoyed it, I wouldn’t have embarked upon this journey through Rankin’s collected works.

A Cool Head (2009): It’s very fashionable to decry Tony Blair, simply on account of the fact he’s a war criminal who spent his entire Premiership toadying up to the Great Satan across the pond, but he did do some good things. The Quick Reads initiative was one of them. Quick Reads were launched by Blair on World Book Day 2006. By mid-2020, over 100 titles had been published, over 4.8 million copies had been sold and over 5 million copies had been loaned through libraries.

For those unfamiliar with the project, Quick Reads are a series of short books by bestselling authors and celebrities. At no more than 128 pages, they are designed to encourage adults who do not read often, or find reading difficult, to discover the joy of books. In a long-forgotten celebration of the philosophy of lifelong learning, Quick Reads were a collaboration between leading publishers, supermarkets, bookshops, libraries, government departments, the National Institute of Adult Continuing Education (NIACE), Arts Council England, the BBC, World Book Day, National Book Tokens and more. They are used as a resource for adult literacy teaching and have been used in Skills for Life and ESOL classes in colleges, community centres, libraries, prisons and workplaces across the country. They have also been used in hospitals, stroke recovery units, dyslexia centres, care homes, family learning groups, pre-schools, organisations working with homeless people and traveller communities, and Army and RAF bases. In a survey covering 50,000 readers in 2010, 98% said that Quick Reads had made a positive impact on their lives. Certainly, as someone who taught for many years in Adult Education, I can vouch for their value in demystifying the vexed concept of reading fiction for pleasure. In 2018, the programme was due to come to an end because of a lack of funding. Another thing to thank the Tories for, eh?

What has this to do with Ian Rankin? Well, in 2009, Quick Reads published his contribution to the series, A Cool Head. It tells the story of Gravy, who works in a graveyard. One day his friend turns up in a car he doesn't recognise. His friend has a bullet in his chest. Gravy is asked to hide the gun and the body. In the back of the car is blood, and a bag full of money. Soon Gravy is caught up in a robbery gone wrong and is pursued by some desperate and mysterious men as well as the police. Thanks to Ian Rankin for writing this story.

Dark Entries (2009): I’ll come clean with you; this is the Ian Rankin book I liked the least. In fact, I probably dislike it, because of my own prejudices. You see, it’s a graphic novel or, if you’re an adult, a comic. The story involves DC Comics character John Constantine, the series Hellblazer, apparently.

The plot involves John Constantine being convinced to enter a reality television programme which has suffered several strange hauntings, which is clearly a thinly veiled satire of Most Haunted and Big Brother. The set turns out to be not a television programme made for humanity, but for the denizens of Hell, and John must work out a way to escape from this. I’m not really sure if he did and, frankly, I’m not bothered. Then again, I doubt I’m the target demographic for such balderdash.

The Complaints (2009): The character of Malcolm Fox, who ends up in at least 4 of the later Rebus novels, as well as the two dedicated solely to him, is the best and most satisfying Rankin creation outside of Rebus and Siobhan Clarke, in my opinion. A dogged, recovering alcoholic loner, with a bad marriage behind him, a drunken underachieving sister with an attitude problem and an ailing father in a care home, Fox throws himself into his job with silent gusto. The fact is his job entails investigating potential misconduct by other officers, hence The Complaints, makes him a figure to be truly despised by those on the force as well as off it. The fact he somehow manages to shrug this shroud of enmity off and solve complex, intractable cases shows us why he ends up back in CID.

In The Complaints, Fox and his team are tasked with investigating Detective Sergeant Jamie Breck, suspected of being a member of a child pornography ring. However, Breck is in turn investigating the death of Vince Faulkner, who was in an abusive relationship with Fox's sister. This brings Fox into direct contact with Breck, and as he develops both a friendship and a working relationship with him, he begins to doubt the validity of his assignment. Despite his personal connection to the case, and against protocol, Fox gets involved in the investigation into Faulkner's death. This brings him into conflict with Breck's superior officer, who harbours a dislike of Fox for investigating a corrupt officer under his command.

Eventually, Fox and Breck are both suspended and Fox is also placed under investigation. However, they continue to investigate Faulkner's death, discovering that he had links to a bankrupt property developer who appears to have committed suicide. This leads to further links to members of the criminal underworld, and in turn to a senior member of the police force, who is found to be responsible for having Breck framed and for having Fox placed under investigation. When Fox comes out on top, I actually punched the air in celebration, such is the superb characterisation Rankin has employed to turn a potentially mealy-mouthed, paper clip counter into a sleuth supreme. Also, Fox’s activities take place back in familiar Edinburgh locations which, as Rankin became ever more certain of his craft, are the best and most fitting place for his fiction.

The Impossible Dead (2011): The second and, sadly, seemingly final Malcolm Fox novel is even more enjoyable than The Complaints, partly because we get to travel to Rankin’s home turf of the Kingdom of Fife. Proper Fife as well; Kirkcaldy, not the Vichy Fife of Dunfermline or the lah di dah East Neuk and that unspeakable posh place east of Leuchars.

Fox and his team, Tony Kaye and Joe Naysmith, are assigned to an investigation into Detective Sergeant Paul Carter, who has been found guilty of misconduct. Fox’s job is to reassure the Fife Constabulary top brass that the other Kirkcaldy police are clean. Fox visits Paul’s uncle Alan, a seemingly jovial retired Polisman who had reported Paul in the first place and is drawn into the murder investigation when Alan is killed, and Paul is framed for it. Fox and his team must dodge, while exploiting as sources, not only the hostile Kirkcaldy police but contingents of Fife headquarters CID, Murder Squad, and even an emissary from London’s Special Branch.

When Fox visited him, Alan Carter was investigating the suspicious 1985 death of an Edinburgh lawyer named Francis Vernal, who was involved with Scottish Nationalist paramilitaries in the 1980s. Fox becomes obsessed by Vernal’s story, in part because there are similarities between Vernal’s death and Carter’s murder. He interviews various former associates of Vernal, including his onetime law partner, his widow, a madman, a TV personality, and a Chief Constable who is herself trying to deal with a group of terrorists. Eventually Fox identifies the person who killed both Vernal and Carter, but Fox has to risk his own life to capture them. He does, coming out clean as a whistle, having wrecked the career of the Chief Constable of Fife in the process. So it goes, eh?

Dark Road (2013): Thus far in his career, Ian Rankin has written three plays: the Rebus connected A Game Called Malice and Long Shadows, which I’ll talk about next time, as well as the unsettling Dark Road. Bearing in mind I’ve not seen any of his plays performed, I can only talk about them in terms of how they appear on the page. Co-written with Lyceum Edinburgh’s director Mark Thomson, the play is set in modern-day Edinburgh and follows Scotland's first (fictional) female Chief Constable Isobel McArthur now Chief Superintendent of Edinburgh following the creation of Police Scotland, as she considers retirement and ponders writing a book. As part of that she reviews the case of Alfred Chalmers a serial killer who killed four girls a quarter of a century previous, a conviction she has long held doubts about. What follows is a thriller that throws herself, her daughter and her colleagues into a psychological battle against Chalmers. As a piece of writing, the ending may be a tad predictable, but I’d imagine it is a bit of a chiller to sit through. I’d like to see this live I must admit.

The Dark Remains (2021): While I’ve long been an admirer of the football writing of the esteemed Hugh McIlvanney, I’m sorry to report I was unaware of the works of his brother William. This is a situation I intend to remedy when time allows. Following William McIlvanney’s death in 2015, he left among his papers an unfinished draft of a police procedural, involving his Glasgow copper Jack Laidlaw. It was the fourth Laidlaw novel but set chronologically before the other three.  Ian Rankin took on the project and produced the vivid and compelling The Dark Remains.

Jack Laidlaw has been moved to the Central Division of the Glasgow Crime Squad. He is a DC working for DI Ernie Milligan. Robert Frederick the commander of the Glasgow Crime Squad assigns DS Bob Lilley to keep an eye on him, saying Laidlaw's reputation has always preceded him .... who has he rubbed up the wrong way this month? .... he’s good at the job, seems to have a sixth sense for what’s happening on the streets (but) he needs careful handling, if we’re to get the best out of him.

The novel is set in October 1972, early in Laidlaw's career. Bobby Carter the right-hand man and lawyer cum money launderer for Cam Colvin one of Glasgow's top gangsters has disappeared, and then his body is found, in enemy territory. John Rhodes is Colvin's main rival; not minor gangsters like Matt Mason and Malky Chisholm. Milligan pontificates to his team that the graffiti tells him that the Cumbrie are encroaching on the Carlton turf. A stabbing is one hell of a calling card, wouldn’t you agree? He assumes, like other gangsters, that a rival gangster arranged Carter's death, and gang warfare intensifies. But Laidlaw sees in Carter's home evidence of recent painting to cover up bloodstains from a domestic dispute after Carter was stabbed by his bullied wife and children. His wife eventually confesses to Laidlaw, to keep the children out of it. Laidlaw bypasses Milligan, who he despises, by reporting directly to Commander Frederick. When the team are celebrating the end of the case, Frederick says privately to Lilley that if he doesn’t manage to detonate himself in the near future, he might be in line for a swift promotion .... (although he is) not exactly a team player. This is a great book by two great writers about a great fictional cop.

In a dozen books time, I look forward to discussing 25 great books involving Scotland’s greatest fictional cop.




Monday 25 March 2024

Lowland Flings

This week, here's my blog about trips to Scotland, which can be found in issue #24 of View from the Allotment End, which you really should buy from this link: https://vftae.bigcartel.com/product/view-from-the-allotment-end-issue-24 


 Saturday 9th December: Bonnyrigg Rose 1 Peterhead 1

Before this trip, the last time I was up in Scotland was at the very end of July 2023. As part of my glacially progressing quest to do all 42 SPFL grounds, I’d seized the opportunity to tick Dens Park off the list, when the Dee hosted Inverness CT in the League Cup on a random Sunday. That was ground #27 of the current membership (Albion, Berwick and Cowdenbeath are visits I can no longer count) and for a variety of reasons, another opportunity to venture north of the border didn’t present itself until December 9th. I don’t need to tell you how wet this autumn has been, but I’ll just point out that Percy Main were washed out on 6 occasions (September 16th, October 7th, 21st and 28th, November 18th and December 2nd) before this trip. Really, I should have made more trips up here, but engineering works, industrial action and a lack of cash conspired against me.

My travelling companion for this jaunt was my mate Gary, who is the Benfield secretary; their story is an equally wet tale of woe. While PMA were again prevented from playing our Alliance Challenge Cup tie away to Burradon and New Fordley, Benfield’s trip to West Auckland, pulled back to the Friday night by mutual consent, also fell foul of the weather. Hence, we found ourselves on the 10.41 GNER flyer to Waverley, comparing the qualities of Greggs and McDonalds’ regular lattes and instant porridge, with the US franchise winning hands down on both counts. As is generally the case, the train was rammed, mainly with day trippers looking forward to a session at the Christmas Market then as many bars as they could fall into and then out of again. Gary and I were also interested in a few bevvies, but football rather than the swally was the prime motivation for this visit.

The game of choice for me was the bottom division clash between Bonnyrigg Rose and Peterhead. Of course, with them having a grass pitch, which is becoming more of a rarity in Scotland of late, the incessant downpours could have put the game in jeopardy, which meant the second choice would have been a revisit to the mundane 4G at Ainslie Park, where I saw Edinburgh City play Elgin a few years back, but now hosts League 2 newcomers The Spartans, where Stirling Albion were the visitors. Thankfully, possibly because Peterhead had come one hell of a long way for this game, our Midlothian Question was given a positive answer, as the fixture of choice was given the goahead early and so Gary and I took the train from Waverley to Eskbank, on the fairly new Tweedmouth line, which is built equidistant between Dalkieth and Bonnyrigg.

Needless to say, Bonnyrigg is at the top of a steep hill and the rain showed no sign of letting up. Without knowledge of the local bus network, Gary and I were left with no choice but to slog it to the peak, which meant I did get my steps in for the day. We’d made a vow to stop in the first pub we passed to get out of the elements. This turned out to be Gigi’s Italian Bar and Restaurant, which was very welcoming and quite full of pre Festive lunchtime diners. It wasn’t the authentic Scottish pub experience though, so after a Cruzcampo for Gary and a Neck Oil for me, we made our way to the Bonnyrigg Rose Social Club, which was over the road and across the outdoor swimming pool of a car park, right opposite the main entrance to New Dundas Park. As a firm believer in the “when in Rome” principle, we both got on the Tennent’s, which worked out a fiver a round less than in the other place. We were made very welcome and chatted with several local fellas about the game ahead and the awful sodding weather. Topping up with a final measure of Black Bottle Scottish wine for a deoch an doras, we left the place at 2.58 and still made kick off.

Bonnyrigg, in their second season in the SPFL, sat in 5th place, while Peterhead, who have been in the league since the millennium, are second, on their first campaign back at this level after relegation last time out. The entry fee was £14, which initially seemed extortionate to me, but when you consider that’s far cheaper than Blyth Spartans, or that I was charged £22 at York City back in October, you can’t really complain. Well, of course you can, which Gary and I did loudly and monotonously, but that’s mainly because we’re a pair of miserable old sods in our late 50s.

The playing surface wouldn’t have passed an inspection south of the border in these hysterical, prissy times, when a cloudy afternoon is enough to get a game called off. Looking at the state of the centre of the pitch, I remarked to Gary that “and Tudor’s gone down for Newcastle” would be the best way to describe how it looked, which didn’t even factor in the delicious slope of this proper old style ground. However, that was all the better as it allowed for a proper blood and thunder contest. Stood on the halfway line on a covered shallow terrace, I was immediately impressed by the metal crush barriers on a grassy bank opposite and the tiny stand behind the goal on our right, which contained the 30 or so visitors from the far frozen North. Considering the crowd was 468, there was ample space for everyone to see events unfold.

Bonnyrigg took the lead on 22 minutes, when Kerr Young buried a powerful header from a corner. However, the home support’s cheers were short lived as Peterhead were awarded a penalty for handball a few minutes later. Paddy Martin in the home goal was the hero, diving low to his right and blocking a tame attempt by Kieran Shanks. Sadly, as the pitch became even more churned up and passing football was a scarce commodity, chances were almost non-existent. On the hour though, scorer Young turned villain, giving away a free kick in a dangerous position, which Joe McKee expertly guided into the top corner of the net. Despite the further efforts of a rapidly tiring set of players from both sides, the cloying surface took the honours, and the sides were forced to settle for a 1-1 draw. It didn’t put off the Bonnyrigg Young Team who, with microphone and drum, kept up a relentless beat and an incomprehensible torrent of verbiage. This accidental take on No Audience Underground sports chanting reminded me of The Prats, that infamous pre-teen combo of Fast Records fame. Check them out here; https://www.theprats.co.uk/index1.html  

So, full time and a quick step back down the hill, followed by a short pit stop to use the facilities in Tesco. We caught the train with the Peterhead squad, which seemed strange to me as Peterhead is the football club furthest from a train station in Britain; 32 miles from Aberdeen no less. Anyway, they seemed happy enough with the Moretti carry out they’d sorted out for the journey. At Edinburgh, Gary and I sorted out ours, as well as a quick pint in The Guild Ford, which was full to bursting, before catching our train and making it home without further upset or mishap. A great day out and still 14 others to come if I’m to achieve this ambition of mine to visit every Scottish ground.


Saturday 13th January: Kelty Hearts 1 Annan Athletic 1

As any serious ground collector knows, it’s the final furlong of the chase that is the toughest part, which is a sobering thought as I’ve now found my way into the final trimester of SPFL grounds. The only thing about the 14 I had remaining, ignoring the sole West of Scotland outlier of Stranraer, is that the ones accessible by train, other than St Johnstone (Perth), Dundee United, Arbroath and possibly Montrose, are impossible to get back to Newcastle from in one day. I think Ross County, Inverness Caledonian Thistle, Elgin City, Peterhead, Cove Rangers, Aberdeen and the almost impossible to visit Forfar Athletic, who play at Station Park even though the Beeching Act ripped up the tracks round there in the early 60s, will have to wait until after my retirement for my patronage.

By a process of elimination, I’m left with two pieces of reasonably low hanging fruit: East Fife, in the less than salubrious coastal hell that is Methil, and neophytic Kelty Hearts, formed as recently as 1975, both gettable via a train to Waverley and then a bus into the dark heart of the Kingdom of Fife. A helpful fixture list that saw Percy Main play Burradon and New Fordley on Friday 12th January, at the same time as Benfield were beating North Shields, gave Gary and I a free Saturday for further Caledonian bravery, after our pre-Festive trip to Bonnyrigg Rose against Peterhead.

This time, our destination of choice was the SPFL League 1 encounter between Kelty Hearts and Annan Athletic; two sides whose places in the professional game may be regarded as having as much to do with the incompetence of their local rivals Cowdenbeath and Gretna, as with their own sporting prowess. Gretna went bust in 2008 in the litigious aftermath of former benefactor Brookes Mileson’s death, to be replaced by Annan, and Cowdenbeath lost their place in League 2 after losing a play-off against Bonnyrigg in 2022. To be honest, once East Stirlingshire took the tumble, the Blue Brazil were inveterate lanternes rouges in the basement division. Since Scottish football embraced the concept of a pyramid a decade or so back, former SPFL clubs East Stirlingshire, Berwick Rangers, Cowdenbeath, Albion Rovers and a reformed Gretna have ended up in the Lowland League and Brechin City in the Highland League. This has seen Bonnyrigg Rose, Cove Rangers, Edinburgh City, Spartans and Kelty Hearts gain admittance to the SPFL. As Cove, Edinburgh and Kelty have all been promoted at least once, it shows that the pyramid is generally working well, though none of the relegated sides have shown any inclination to return to former glories, which is sad. Then again, the likes of Albion and Cowdenbeath, despite storied histories, play in shambolic grounds, largely unfit for purpose.

Gary and I boarded the largely deserted 09.46 Newcastle to Waverley express, intending to catch the X56 to Kelty at 12.15. Everything was on course until, just before 11.00, the train pulled to a shuddering halt in Drem, a rural, semi commuter station in the environs of North Berwick. A goods train had broken down ahead of us, blocking the route to Waverley and all we could do was wait until a replacement engine arrived to tow it away. This took over an hour, proving that Nancy Whiskey told us a pack of lies all those years ago, but it did mean that the train tickets would be refunded in full of course. For no readily apparent reason, our delay was exacerbated after a change of trains as ours headed back south, and we embarked upon the next one. Plans were hurriedly ripped up and, with minutes to spare, we caught the slightly delayed 1.15 X56, heading north across the Queensferry Bridge into the Kingdom, skirting Dunfermline, whose home game had been postponed because of a waterlogged pitch, surprisingly enough, as it was a dry and breezy day, before dumping us in the two-street former pit village of Kelty a little before 2.30.

We still had time for a pair of pints, Tennents of course, in The Kings Arms, before paying a hefty £16 to enter the tidy and well-appointed New Central Park, where we took our places in a crowd of 422; fewer than had been at North Shields 1 Benfield 2 the night before. One of the reasons for the low gate could well have been the abysmal standard of football on display. Mid-table Kelty were expected to dismiss bottom side Annan with the minimum of fuss. Ironically, the one thing that had decided us upon Kelty, namely the 4G surface that pretty much guaranteed a game during the wet months of Winter, was what spoiled proceedings. An overly bouncy pitch and a swirling wind meant neither side could control the ball effectively, endlessly surrendering possession cheaply and seeing it roll harmlessly, if frustratingly, into touch on a far too regular basis. This didn’t seem to bother the 30 or so Annan Ultras who were having a fine time, and engaging in sporadic singing, while the home support shivered beneath their overcoats and seemingly ubiquitous maroon scarves.

A desultory cheer rang out from the home terraces when Alfie Bavidge won and converted a penalty, awarded for a clumsy trip, in the 16th minute. However, this was not a signal for an improvement in fortunes, as the game was as frustrating as our train journey had been. The Club Shop offered little solace either. I’d wanted to get my partner Shelley a Kelty snood to keep out the chill during our Sunday walks, but none were available, so I bought some of last season’s socks, which seemed the best option available. I think I left them on the X56 when I got off at Edinburgh, sadly. We nipped into the Social Club for a half time pint where, if we’d been able to see the pitch from such a vantage point, we probably would have stayed. Of course, you can’t drink alcohol in sight of the pitch in Scotland, so back out into the elements we went, watching Annan’s Benjamin Lussint controlling the game and helping to bring about a smartly executed equaliser by substitute Tommy Goss in the 73rd minute. This was greeted with hysterical joy in one small corner of the ground and mute acceptance in the rest. The rest of the game saw Annan well on top, but no chances worth mentioning were forthcoming and so the game ended in less than satisfactory stalemate.

Our return journey was a breeze; a punctual X56, pints in The Guild Ford, a carry out and a punk rock singsong on the deserted 20.00 from Waverley saw us back in town for 21.30. East Fife has to be my next trip.

Wednesday 20 March 2024

Drowning

Newcastle United; things have been better...


Did you enjoy the FA Cup quarter finals? Great, weren’t they? A set of (mainly) superb games, all on ordinary telly, that seesawed in both directions; fantastic grit from Coventry to come again and see off Wolves (not that I saw that one live as Percy Main v Seaton Delaval obviously took preference), some of the most hilarious errors I’ve ever seen on a football pitch, in the shape of Disasi’s own goal and Sterling’s rib-tickling free kick (he gets paid £300k a week to do that you know!!), as Chelsea put in a bid to be the Premier League’s version of Billy Smart’s Circus against Leicester and Klopp’s famous tactical acumen enabling Liverpool to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory against probably the most mundane Manchester United side I’ve seen in half a century. Indeed, the only damp squib of the whole weekend was Newcastle’s predictably tame exit to a restrained Man City side who sleepwalked their way into the semis without breaking sweat. Far more energetic than anything on the pitch was the predictable wailing and gnashing of teeth on social media, when the endless calls for Howe’s head on a stick that cluttered up cyberspace were curiously absent at the game itself. Indeed, I don’t think there has been any audible dissent against the Newcastle management team in a stadium this season. However, this may yet prove to be the case, unless there is an upswing in fortunes between West Ham at home at the closing trip to Brentford.

Despite enormous pressure to do otherwise, I’ve done my best to keep my cool and remain positive about Newcastle United’s fortunes since the still, baffling exit from Europe before Christmas. However, it’s becoming more and more difficult not to want explanations, as that silly and avoidable defeat to Milan, as well as the wholly preventable loss on penalties to Chelsea in the League Cup, have acted as unfortunate harbingers of the disasters to come. As we endure the final international break of the season, we remain in the top half of the table only by the skin of our teeth. With 10 games left, even a place in the Europa Conference League looks a fond ask, considering the form we are in. It is, therefore, now time to ask those who constantly harp on about how much progress we’ve made in the last two years to finally face reality. Not only has this season, from December onwards, been one, long, sorry tale of regression in terms of results, the unpalatable truth is the football we are playing these days is possibly only a degree or two less awful on the eye than the regular doses of abject surrender Steve Bruce inflicted on us. Having based our success last season on an intense high press, we now appear to be sluggish, one-dimensional and utterly unable to respond to any sort of misfortune or drawback. Losses away to Arsenal, Chelsea and Man City, especially in the manner the points were surrendered, could have been overseen by any of Pardew, Carver, MacLaren, Benitez or Bruce. So much for progress, eh?

Another red herring proffered by those wristwatch-obsessed podcasters seemingly happy to unquestioningly back the ownership and management, is the intractable and interminable injury situation, whereby any defeat is attributed not to individual error, managerial stasis or a grossly incompetent transfer strategy, but solely to the fact Elliott Anderson or Matt Targett have been unable to take the field on a regular basis. Being objective, I can accept that Joelinton and Pope have been massive misses, as well as Botman, whose return to the team has seen him operating at only about 25% capacity of what he’d shown previously, but as for the rest; well, when have we ever been able to rely on Callum Wilson to regularly show up? It is abundantly clear that any properly organised top-flight club with European ambitions would have had a crisis meeting before the clocks went back to establish short, medium and long term plans to deal with both the effect of swathes of unavailability on the current playing staff and addressing the competence of the medical team dealing, or not, with those injuries. Unfortunately, Newcastle United are not one of those clubs, as organisation seems to be a dirty word around SJP and any planning is done by the seat of our pants. At times, it appears that the only way to fight fire in a treatment room that was standing room only for most of the season, was to panic like Corporal Jones in Dad’s Army, while searching for the magic sponge and screaming GET SOME WATTER ON!! like Sunday morning bucketmen of yore.

The facts are these: the blame for Newcastle United’s season disintegrating so appallingly should be shared between a hierarchy who have promised so much and delivered so little, especially in terms of recruitment and retention and a team management who have been found wanting when the hard work really started. Eddy Howe may be a great bloke and a quality motivator when things are going well, but he’s certainly proved himself a conspicuous failure when the chips are down, though whoever had the ultimate responsibility for allowing us to enter a pivotal season with only two senior strikers on the books, both of whom with appalling fitness records, needs a good hiding. Unfortunately, it isn’t just up top we’ve been found wanting. If I was asked now to name my players of the season, it would be a toss-up between Gordon and Schar, with honourable mentions for Livramento and Miley. However, even that quartet are starting to look jaded. The players, generally, look shot; exhausted, timid and lacking form and inspiration. This is why internet hot heads pour down scorn and ire on Murphy, Miggy and Sean. Be reasonable; it isn’t their fault we have a squad ill-suited to the purpose of advancing Newcastle United’s cause, both domestically and in Europe, though the latter probably won’t be an issue in 2024/2025.  

The shortcomings and limitations of the squad are well-known, but it bears repeating that Tonali’s recruitment smacks of incompetent research, Barnes was only sourced when we couldn’t get Maddison from Spurs and Lewis Hall appears to be as baffling an acquisition as Xisco or Saivet during the Ashley years. With signings like that, what hope did we have or repeating last season’s heroics when things got tough? It would be nice to pay tribute to Howe’s daring innovation in throwing Matt Ritchie on to grab a point at home to Bournemouth, who did win 3-0 at Old Trafford it should be remembered, but such a miniscule crumb of comfort isn’t worth the bother of acknowledging. In terms of recent results, the crushing of Wolves is a real outlier, especially considering the Molineux outfit, confidently predicted by so many to be a basket case this season, have climbed above Newcastle in the table. Considering we have Bruno and Isak, not to mention Gordon and Botman, this really isn’t a good enough return on our investments. You have to wonder what the club will need to do to persuade them to stay on Tyneside next season.

This brings us to tough questions regarding the remainder of this campaign and moving forwards to next year. As I said before, if this club is serious about wanting to progress, without any apologists for the Saudi regime ostentatiously bellyaching about financial fair play, or professional voices of the fans howling in outrage about ticket allocations for away games they’ve not attended in the thick end of three decades, there must be meetings going on now to set out a future strategy. Dan Ashworth, whatever his worth, is history. Is he being replaced? Well, is he? The truth of the matter is we need two strikers, more options in midfield and a new centre back, as well as bidding a series of fond farewells for those who have no realistic future at a top-level club. But the biggest elephant in the room is this; how poor a set of results between now and mid-May will it take for Howe’s tenure to be terminated? Tough question: he may still have credit in the bank, but a spring debacle could be a fiasco too far.

Do I want him sacked? On balance, probably not yet, but I am aware that a poor start to the next campaign will see him out the door by mid-September and another season’s blueprint torn to shreds before the ink is dry. I don’t have a credible alternative to him either, nor do I have a list of players we need to sign. I sincerely hope that someone has and that, in the fullness of time, Newcastle will be able to compete properly and for a sustained period of time, with those we are currently a million miles behind, on and off the pitch. We need to end with a flourish to banish the blues, recruit wisely and hit the ground running next season, or the whole thing could go to hell in a hand cart.

 


Tuesday 12 March 2024

Leven Early

I celebrated Eddy Cusack's 90th birthday by attending East Fife 3 Dumbarton 2 -:


Saturday 9th March would have been my auld fella’s 90th birthday. It also marked 50 years since the infamous Newcastle United v Nottingham Forest FA Cup sixth round tie. I remember that game like it was yesterday; Newcastle were 3-1 down after 56 minutes when Pat Howard was dismissed by referee Gordon Kew of Amersham for disputing a penalty, resulting in almost the entire Leazes End entering the field of play to discuss matters with the official who was away down the tunnel with the 21 remaining players pretty sharpish. Order was eventually restored, and an incredible turnaround occurred, with Bobby Moncur tapping home the winner in injury time, to give Newcastle a 4-3 win. One hell of a game, even if the spoilsports at the FA almost immediately declared the victory null and void, resulting in a replayed win at Goodison Park, of all places.

Sadly, I can only recall the events surrounding the first game at second hand, after watching the highlights on Shoot the following afternoon, because I was strictly forbidden from going to the game as I was only 9. On reflection, I think the auld fella just wanted a celebratory day on the gargle with his brother Brian and brother-in-law John. According to family legend, Eddy and John were debating the stupidity of the pitch invaders and asked Brian for his opinion, only to see the latter’s back as he retreated from view, storming across the pitch, pinstripe Oxford bags flapping in the breeze and SJP clarts adhering themselves to his mauve and tan platform shoes. Considering Brian looked and acted like Rodney Bewes in The Likely Lads (long leather car coat, sideburns etc), it’s no wonder it still gets brought up at infrequent family gatherings, which seem solely to consist of funerals these days, as every one of Brian’s siblings and their spouses have shuffled off this mortal coil.

To celebrate Eddy’s 90th, I decided to take myself off for a spot of quiet contemplation, by availing myself of competitively priced train tickets and even cheaper bus fares that enabled me to head for Methil and East Fife v Dumbarton in SPFL League 2 for my 30th tick of the 42 grounds that make up the Scottish set. Having enjoyed a mini crawl around Cullercoats the night before, I awoke with a bit of a sore head, no doubt occasioned by the poor quality of the beer in the Crescent Club, but still managed the bus and train connections, taking me effortlessly to Waverley. Unlike my last couple of trips to Bella Caledonia, I was not accompanied by Gary, whose secretarial duties for Benfield meant he had to deal with a home game against Shildon. Percy Main were away to Chemfica, ironically the third closest ground to my house, but I needed to be away and alone on this day. I know it is 15 years coming up since Eddy checked out, but certain anniversaries seem more poignant than others. Whether this has anything to do with my imminent 60th birthday is a moot point.

Anyway, my travelling time was spent reading the end of Witch Hunt and the start of Bleeding Hearts by Ian Rankin, though the books were initially published under his nom de plume of Jack Harvey. I’ve set myself the target of reading all of Rankin’s books in 2024 and I’m now left with 14 of the 23 (soon to be 15 and 24) Rebus books to complete this task. As part of this undertaking, I’ve been required to read the non-Rebus part of his oeuvre, which veers wildly in both style and quality between brooding, literary novels such as The Flood to espionage yarns like Watchman. I’ve enjoyed them all, to a greater or lesser degree, but it’s the scabrous, psychological police procedurals that I like the most and, like the labyrinthine plots of those books, I’ve needed to make the occasional trip to the Kingdom to tick off grounds in my other quest for Scotch completism. Thus, having started the ball rolling at Raith Rovers versus a Faroese team in the UEFA Cup in 1995 and Cowdenbeath’s home loss to Dumbarton in 1997, I was at Kelty Hearts in January with Gary and here I found myself, completing the Fife ration, on a painfully slow moving, delayed X60 from Edinburgh, crawling through the uniquely named but rather quaint Coaltown of Wemyss, en route to Leven for Methil. Sometime in 2025, Leven train station will open, slashing journey times from the capital in half. It looks pretty good, located just on the Leven side of the river (Leven and Methil are the Buda and Pest of this part of Fife) and will be even better when the track has been laid.

Arriving at 2.30, I didn’t have time for sightseeing, so headed for New Bayview Park, along with 570 others. I’d been outside of the original Bayview Park back in 1995, but nothing remains of that ground, since the newish ground was built in 1998. Having initially had my ticket refused as I’d inadvertently tried to access the away section of the single stand that comprises the facilities, I entered the right one and immediately joined a queue for a pie and a Bovril, which consisted of an Oxo cube semi-dissolved in a mug of scalding water, with predictable results upon the relative strength of my beverage as I made my way down the cup. Unable to locate a programme, I bought a fridge magnet and took my seat on an aisle in the back row of Block B, parallel with the 18-yard line.


Bayview Park is similar in many respects to Dumbarton’s ground, though without the imposing Rock behind it, but with the sea almost lapping the far end. The essential difference is that Dumbarton faces west and East Fife, unsurprisingly, faces east. The biting, incessant gale off the water is a common factor for both, it must be noted. Also noteworthy is the incredible selection of music East Fife’s matchday DJ provided us with; a full, unedited
Stairway to Heaven was followed by the Immigrant Song, suggesting this corner of Fife is still in thrall to hard rock, though this idea was partly quashed by the run-out music. I’d not heard Telstar by The Tornadoes in a couple of decades or more, but Joe Meek’s finest moment was loudly hummed along to by the 500 diehard regulars in yellow and black. It got even more surreal at half time, when Rick Astley was quickly supplanted by the whole of Love Will Tear Us Apart. Staring into the bleak, grey, broiling Firth of Forth, never has the song sounded more poignant, nor the listener felt more chilled, by climactic as well as cultural phenomena. Before then, we had some football to watch.

East Fife recently appointed legendary former Arbroath boss Dick Campbell to the manager’s position. He’s a pretty imposing figure and continuously patrolled the touchline, unleashing barbs of bile-inflected encouragement to his team who, cowed or inspired, took the game to Dumbarton from the off. The home side went ahead on 3 minutes when Man of the Match Nathan Austin touched in a loose ball at the back post. From then on, it was entirely one way traffic as East Fife, aided by a howling gale at their backs, overran the visitors and twice struck the frame of the goal. Somehow, the Sons kept the deficit to a single goal and remarkably found themselves ahead after a brace of unexpected goals. The first was a decent strike by Gray and the second a simple tap-in for Hilton, after some comedic defending. East Fife weren’t done, and veteran centre back Brian Easton nodded in an equaliser after 56 minutes. It had been a breathless start to the second period and Dumbarton adopted self-preservation mode, seeking not to lose the game and began an irritating amount of time wasting.


I hate leaving games early, but with my only guaranteed connection for the 19.00 from Waverley being the 16.55 from Leven, I felt I had no choice but to vacate my seat on 80 minutes. Typically enough, a muffled roar that was almost drowned out by the pneumatic hiss of the opening doors of the X60, signalled that Austin had popped up again, three minutes into stoppage time, to nod in the winner. Dumbarton had lost badly 5-0 at Stranraer in the week, but this defeat must have felt even more crushing. They still occupy the final play-off spot, but East Fife are within 6 points and don’t bet against Dick Campbell exhorting them to even greater wins than this.

All in all, a lovely ground and a great (sober!) day out, with all connections caught and only 12 grounds left to do. I’m hoping for St Johnstone or perhaps Dundee United next, though once Leven station opens I may visit Methil once more.

 

 

 

 



Monday 4 March 2024

Cricket Books For Sale

Below is a list of cricket books I'm selling to try and raise funds for Tynemouth Cricket Club. There's no price on any of them, so it is donations only. However, the cost of postage means I'm looking for £3 or thereabouts for me sending a book, though if you wish to collect them from the NE29 area, I'm happy for that to happen as well. Ideally, I'd like PayPal donations to iancusack@blueyonder.co.uk & you can send email questions to that address as well -:





Tuesday 27 February 2024

New Reviews

This is what I've read & listened to so far in 2024... 

Music:

Thus far, not being in a position to lash out £40 on a single ticket to see Slowdive, the only gig I’ve seen in the opening 2 months of 2024  was the TQ Live event at The Globe back in mid-January. Even then, Shelley and I had to leave early to attend a retirement do. The sole live act we saw was Shunyata Improvisation Group, who produced their usual hypnotic, spellbinding, ethereal soundtrack to a philosophical dreamworld. As ever, I lost myself in their beguiling incantations of guitar, flute, cello and gentle percussion. I’m looking forward very much to hearing them next at Cullercoats Watch House on March 8th.

Somewhat strangely, I’ve also been to the pictures this year. Considering I can’t shut up and sit still for 2 hours normally, it was quite an ask to go and see Poor Things at ODEON Silverlink. However, it was an absolutely brilliant, amusing and erotic slice of magic realism, which appealed to me after I’d heard it was based on an Alistair Gray novel. It was also great to see Matty Longstaff at the pictures at the same time, though he was escorting his lady friend to a screening of Wonka. Shelley and I also watched Saltburn on Netflix. What a bloody wonderful pisstake of Brideshead Revisited that was. It was like homoerotic Ealing Comedy. I’d recommend it unquestioningly.

As regards the music I’ve listened to this year, first I must remind you that there is the small matter of the earth is flat by a certain ian cusack. My first solo CD is a noise / experimental /avant garde piece that is available from my Bandcamp page for £3 plus postage; for £5 plus postage, I’ll also send you a copy of my chapbook, Violent Heterosexual Men. PayPal payments to iancusack@blueyonder.co.uk please!

Moving on to stuff by other people, I’ve so far accumulated a CD single, a pair of 7” singles, a brace of cassettes and a quartet of CDs. First up, I got myself a couple of good old fashioned Irish traditional singles; Dermot O’Brien’s 1974 take on Spancil Hill. Now, as everyone knows, the all-time greatest version of this classic ballad was the one Christy Moore and Shane MacGowan did on The Late, Late Show back in 1996. This version can’t hold a candle to that, though if Showband schmaltz is your thing, then you’ll probably appreciate the fact it has been turned into a waltz. I don’t. However, my other piece of Irish esoterica is of far greater importance; the still extant nonagenarian Sean O’Se’s brilliant interpretation of The Boys of Kilmichael will have you donning your balaclava and cursing the Saxon invader when in your cups. Well, that’s the affect it has on me, anyway.

We had a quiet New Year at home, but we did see Jools Holland’s programme. Bearing in mind Viz Comic’s legendary top tip; “persuade your friends you are Jools Holland by walking quickly round your house, listening to any old shit,” I did see a tremendous act on there. Donegal teenager Muireann Bradley is undoubtedly the contemporary queen of the Mississippi Delta Blues. Taught this music by her music obsessed father almost from birth, she eschewed an early interest in kickboxing in favour of an acoustic guitar and interpreting songs from a century ago. Drunk and astonished by her version of Candyman, I searched to see what was available online. Her debut CD, I Kept Those Old Blues, was sold out on Bandcamp and the vinyl far too expensive, so I bought the cassette. Frankly, I’m delighted I did, as versions of Vastapol, Stagolee, Green Rocky Road and Freight Train make this a wonderful experience. I do wonder where she goes from here? Further mining of a seam of old classics? I’d prefer that to her turning into another average singer songwriter or perish the thought, leading a dreary electric pick-up band.

One electric band I do love are Glaswegian trash post-punks, Dragged Up. They were kind enough to send me their new single, Missing Person. It’s another superb, slouching slice of screeching ennui and attitude. Even better is the remixed B-side, Machine Person, which reminds me so much of Y Records era Slits, such as Animal Space or Man Next Door with proper Prag Vec deadpan vocals.  A truly brilliant release and I’m desperate to see this band in the flesh. Apparently a new album is ready for release, which fills my heart with joy. If Dragged Up are the sound of the 70s turning into the 80s, then Peony are the soundtrack of a decade previous. Their first CD release, Live at TQ Live, was recorded in The Globe on a chilly Friday night last August and it is a marvellous document of a debut live performance that sounded like Cream meets Amon Duul II meets the Pink Fairies. This is hard and heavy music, but with zero pretension or histrionics. I’m agog for their next moves. These two bands are the only ones I’ve invested in who have released stuff in 2024 and I’m hungry for more.

Neil Young released his 45th album last December. Shelley bought me Before & After for Valentine’s Day and I’m extremely grateful to her. It’s acoustic revisits to 13 items from his back catalogue; as you’d imagine, the likes of Heart of Gold or Helpless don’t get a look in and, though the choices aren’t always the road less travelled, the versions are. Solo readings of Buffalo Springfield classics Burned and Mr Soul are fascinating asides, though the two absolute standout tracks are Comes a Time, which is the nearest you get to a crowd pleaser on here and, denuded of any Pearl Jam influences, I’m the Ocean. This is a wonderful album, if you can stop from gagging during the saccharine Mother Earth, and so laidback I thought I’d started toking again. All in all, it’s amazing a bloke a kick in the arse from his 80th birthday can still work so hard and produce valid, vital music like this.

I was delighted that Bandcamp provided a full release for The Mekons’s 2016 album, Existentialism. Despite not coming with the booklet that accompanied the original limited release, this is an absolutely stunning set and almost certainly their most eclectic since the criminally ignored F.U.N. 90. This is proper Mekons as well; everyone of them contributes wonderfully to the workload, with Jon Boy, Tom and Sally on top form. I’ve got the download first, which waiting for the CD and my laptop tells me this is the most played album I’ve got in a digital form, which tells me exactly how important Existentialism is to me. Really looking forward to seeing Jon and his band at The Central on May 18th.

Along with the latest issue of TQ, I was delighted to be one of the lucky recipients of Any Love is Good Love. This is a compilation CD, raising money for teenage LGBT+ projects in Manchester, which was curated by Emma Reed, aka Pettaluck, and it contains some gems on there such as Sailors by Das Wanderlust. In fact, it’s a great listen from start to finish, providing you skip the Lovely Eggs contribution. 

Books:

Thus far in 2024, I’ve read 18 books, though I don’t propose to discuss 12 of them in this blog. The relevant titles to be ignored are: Let It Bleed, Black & Blue, Knots & Crosses, The Hanging Garden, Westwind, The Complaints, A Cool Head, Tooth & Nail, Standing in Another Man’s Grave Rebus’s Scotland,, The Flood and Watchman. All of them are by Ian Rankin, with 6 of them being constituent parts of the Inspector John Rebus series and the remainder an array of different works of fiction. Once I’ve worked my way through the remaining 14 Rebus novels and 9 miscellaneous books by Rankin, I intend to write a blog dedicated entirely to Rankin’s oeuvre, but not just yet.

This leaves 6 other books for me to discuss: the first of which is John King’s London Country. Once I’ve ticked Rankin off the list, and worked my way through new titles promised in 2024 by Roddy Doyle, Paul Hanley, Michael Houllebecq, David Peace and Irvine Welsh, I intend to complete my reading of John King’s collected works as, having religiously made my way through the first 6 of his novels, I somehow missed out on Slaughterhouse Prayer, The Liberal Politics of Adolf Hitler and The Prison House; a gap I am keen to plug. London Country seems to tie up the loose strands and characters from both Human Punk and Skinheads. Set in Slough, though a long way from the admin department of Wernham Hogg, it takes us through a demi monde populated by numerous radical, independent thinking punks, elderly soul boys and semi-retired ravers, whose adherence to their own code of morals and ethics, vehemently opposed to the accepted ideologies of left and right, means they really don’t give a fuck. In the past, some of King’s work has strayed perilously close to the kind of suspect thinking shown by the likes of the Football Lads Alliance but, though there is clear joy at Brexit coming to pass, it is from a Lexit, proletarian standpoint that eschews any suggestions of racism, crude nationalism or xenophobia. You like these blokes; they might be a bit keen to use their fists to get their point across, but we’ve come a long way from The Football Factory’s mantra of punch first and ask questions later. I enjoyed London Country a great deal and remain deeply grateful to John for publishing my work in his Verbal magazine.

I’ve previously blogged about the madcap world of the novels of Magnus Mills, and his 2023 self-published instalment, The Cure for Disgruntlement, is another fine slice of his surreal Weltanschauung. This is the story of a boatload of immigrants who arrive at an unnamed English seaside resort after a perilous journey by boat. They are met with rudeness, hostility and aggression, which it seems is caused by the miserable mindset of the indigenous population who are, by turns, lazy, cunning, exploitative and stupid. The narrator and his pals soon find work on the margins of society, making a huge killing, before settling in to do the kind of ordinary humdrum jobs the locals are either too lazy or lacking the skills to do. Unsurprisingly, this involves running the benefits system, which the locals ruthlessly exploit, and the incomers refuse to adhere to. Funny and deeply depressing; I love Magnus Mills.

I have to say I’m a little frightened of former Sonic Youth bassist Kim Gordon, on the basis of a single unpleasant encounter with her, when I conducted a telephone interview with a tetchy Ms Gordon about her Riot Grrrl project, Free Kitten, that she’d formed with ex-Pussy Galore guitarist Julia Cafritz. I thought at the time, and still do now, that the Free Kitten project, especially the debut album Nice Ass, was an ill-disciplined, self-indulgent mess. I wasn’t the only one to express that opinion, which Gordon was all too aware of. Presumably this is why she slammed down the phone on me after half an hour of small talk that studiously avoided reference to her new project, when I asked when Sonic Youth would be getting back together. Thankfully this incident doesn’t get a mention in Gordon’s excellent 2015 autobiography, Girl in a Band, though in its pages, she still bristles at the reception Free Kitten got. Good job I didn’t make mention of her Harry Crews outfit who released a steaming 12” pile of ordure in 1989.

Some important facts to consider: Kim Gordon and Thurston Moore married in 1984, had a daughter Coco in 1994 and precipitated Sonic Youth’s public disintegration in 2011 when their marriage ended in highly acrimonious circumstances after Moore left Gordon for Eva Prinz, who he is now married to. Last year, Moore published his autobiography, Sonic Life, which is a very different beast to the one his ex-wife released 8 years previously, both in terms of content, approach, and attitude. In some ways, you’d think the two books are talking about a completely different set of experiences, rather than a shared, if disputed, narrative.

It was always a nagging regret of mine that I’d not read Gordon’s book, which had been released to universal critical acclaim. That regret became an unquenchable thirst once I’d got about halfway through Moore’s tome. Her book is 273 pages long, concentrating on her childhood for about the opening quarter of the book, but focussing mainly on her and Moore’s partnership, both from a personal and a musical perspective, with considerable emphasis on their daughter and her impact on their life. I know the cliché that time is a great healer, but back in 2015 both Kim Gordon and her daughter were absolutely decimated by Moore’s desertion of the two of them. Girl in a Band features an unflinchingly honest account of the sudden disintegration of a previously happy, if not perhaps idyllic family circle, and how badly it affected both mother and daughter. In contrast, Sonic Life is 480 pages long, spends the first couple of hundred pages cataloguing all the records Moore loved in his early teenage years, then the gigs he and his best friend Harold drove to in New York City from their home in suburban Connecticut, before he found a place to live in the Big Apple and formed Sonic Youth. From that point, we get an exhaustive, though completely fascinating, account of every album and tour the band embarked upon. In only the last chapter, barely a dozen pages in length, does Moore give his guilt-free account of how he turned his life round 180 degrees, in a matter-of-fact way that is astonishing for its lack of both emotion and insight. Frankly, I simply can’t understand how such selfish, narcissistic actions can be validated by Sonic Life being awarded the accolade of Rough Trade’s Music Book of the Year for 2023.

I’m glad I read both books and I certainly won’t allow the revelations, or otherwise, gleaned from either publication to influence my attitude to Sonic Youth’s extensive back catalogue, though I’m certainly more interested in investigating Gordon’s soon come album, The Collective, than anything Moore may release in the future.



Once we get into March, my thoughts will turn to indoor nets before the start of the 2024 cricket season, which will probably be my last as I turn 60 in August. Indeed, I’m holding my 60th birthday party at Tynemouth Cricket Club on Saturday 10th August. Everyone is welcome, apart from supporters of Heaton Stannington FC, who will not be admitted. In a couple of weeks, I’ll publish the playlist for the night; one song from every year, 1964 to 2024 inclusive. Not all of them are by Teenage Fanclub either. Anyway, back to cricket and another book I must read is Beyond a Boundary by CLR James, who posed the famous question; “What do they know of cricket who only cricket know?" The contention of Duncan Stone, author of the impressive Different Class, is that James failed in his writing to effect any kind of change to the domestic, recreational game of cricket in England. Stone himself is a recreational cricketer, from the Workers Republic of Surrey, who may also refer to himself as a Marxist. His brilliantly argued thesis is that recreational cricket in England was hampered in the south by the refusal of many cricket clubs, run along the lines of the sort of golf club Jerry Leadbetter from The Good Life would feel at home in, to play anything other than friendlies until 1968. Consequently, the institutional bias south of The Wash is both class-based and racist. While Stone does not explicitly state this, I’d imagine the LGBT+ community have been made less than welcome in the leafy lanes of Home Counties South. Before the Northern fraternity can start looking smug, the racism scandal that continues to bedevil Yorkshire cricket is a clear sign of the distance still to be covered before the greatest game can be regarded as fully inclusive. With the ECB still in control of cricket at all levels, it may be a cold day in hell before that happens.

Also, on the subject of cricket, my dear pal Harry Pearson, passed on a couple of issues of The Nightwatchman, Wisden’s quarterly journal of long form cricket writing and bloody great they are too, especially Scott Oliver’s exhaustive account of sundry Minor Counties putting one over the big boys in the Gillette Cup and B&H Trophy back in the day. Once I’m retired, I can see myself collecting and devouring the first 42 issues of this fine publication.

Goodness, I hope I don’t go blind. Or deaf.