Dismembership

No more prevarication; I’m going to have to talk about Newcastle United’s start to this campaign. After a pre-season itinerary and transfer window that went almost frighteningly well, the real stuff has seen games that have been, by turns, flattering, chastening, infuriating and humiliating, accompanied by a deafening clamour from intemperate hotheads on social media channels that seems to demand we drop Pope, sell Bruno and sack Howe immediately. It’s good to know there’s people with a sense of perspective out there, especially after such season-defining lowlights as a 1-0 loss to Wrexham in the first group stage game of the EFL Trophy.

In all seriousness, everything had started so promisingly. We’d signed Tonali (he of the legendary beaming countenance) and Barnes, both of whom are first team ready, as well as bringing in the impressive prospects Livramento and Hall, with the latter on loan at first. Other than Barnes, I’ll admit to being ignorant of our new captures, but what I’ve learned from the club’s approach to the real business of playing football, following the Saudi takeover, is that we no longer sign duds and that, even if a player seems to be lacking in essential skills, Howe has the ability to fashion silken purses from weak flesh. This Amazon Prime documentary series is an embarrassing load of shit, to be frank, but the best bits, apart from Dan Burn and Sean Longstaff talking movingly about how much it means to be turning out for their club, involve Eddy Howe’s team talks. I don’t know how his words affect the players, but I’m ready to give Man United a fucking fast game 24/7 I can tell you. Hence, there was no need to worry about NUFC’s forunes, despite the exacting challenges of our early fixture list. Or so I thought and still do, despite the current state of play.

Pre-season contests saw a routine win away to The Huns that I saw on some dodgy internet stream, as well as the trio of late night and wee small hours match ups stateside with Brentford, Brighton and Chelsea that I forsook for sleep. The only cloud on the horizon seemed to be the ill-judged and convoluted membership scheme. Good news saw the closing of the loophole whereby season ticket holders could buy supplementary cup tickets. Bad news included the point, later rescinded, that if you were successful in the ballot, you had no choice in the price of ticket you got allocated, which could mean you got stung £75 or £45, depending on category.

It could be worse of course; you could be voluntarily splashing out £650 on a Brentford corporate hospitality ticket, like one buffoon I know. The worst news about the brand-new digital ticket scheme was the sheer complexity of passing on a spare, to the extent that many groups of fans I know are keeping a burner phone to be used exclusively by anyone on a freebie or spare. It gets worse at away games, with the former custom of passing on tickets to your mates torpedoed by the need for photo ID, which has resulted in several instances of people being denied entry at Man City and Brighton. Even worse, rumours of empty seats at Brighton being caused by people buying tickets on account of the minimal number of points needed, but deliberately not showing up, as they wanted to in with a better shout for more attractive fixtures. I’m not sure if I accept that tall tale; after all, there was a rail strike on the day of the game that could explain the absences.

Weighing up the options, it seemed that the only way Shelley and I could take in a game at SJP was to attend the Villareal pre-season game on August 6^th. It wasn’t cheap at thirty quid a pop, but I’m facing up to the fact it is almost certain to be my only visit to the ground this season. We couldn’t do the Fiorentina friendly on the day before, on account of me being selected for Tynemouth 3s at home to Lions; game abandoned after 8 overs because of a thunderstorm incidentally. Sat in Bar 1892 in The Milburn, it was truly a joy to see how much being there meant to Shelley; the flags and build up almost had her in tears. The game wasn’t bad either, from NUFC’s perspective, as we tore them to pieces in the second half. Pepe Reina looks a very old man these days and Ben Brereton Diaz wasn’t much of a threat, especially as he spent the whole of the second half gently warming up, without being called into action.

Coming away from the ground, I felt everything was coming together nicely. The team was ready, prepared and as strong as it has ever been. Admittedly, the lack of cover at centre half was a worry, but all other areas of the squad that needed strengthening have been addressed. Villa are a good side and I was hopeful we’d squeak a narrow game by a single goal. Coming off the back of a 50-run loss to Annfield Plain, I settled down in Tynemouth clubhouse for the second half and watched an amazing performance that combined pace and ruthless finishing, as we eviscerated Villa. Were we seeing the emergence of actual title contenders? Only the next few games would answer that question.

Well, funny how things turn out isn’t it? The Manchester City game, apart from being a superb exposition of attacking midfield skills from Foden, showed us both how far we have to go, during the first half, and just how far we’ve already come, in the second. I’m not trying to pretend the first half was anything other than a footballing lesson, but the second was a far better showing, though not deserving of a point, mainly on account of the poor choices we made when in promising situations. However, while never content to lose, there is the comfort in the levels of joy shown by the home side at the full-time whistle, certainly in contrast to the years of abject humiliation that accompanied the seemingly inevitable, annual 4-0 thumping we got at the Etihad. These games had followed damage limitation / expectation management press conferences the day before from charlatans like Pards, McLaren, Benitez and Bruce, who regarded such appointments as an ordeal to fulfil and a free shot in the dull business of accumulating 40 points to stay up. Whichever one of Ashley’s puppets was nominally in the hot seat would seem genuinely chuffed if they escaped with a 2-0 scudding from a somnolent City, more concerned with their midweek tasks in the Champions’ League than the need to break sweat while collecting the voluntarily donated, generally gift-wrapped 3 points from terrible and timid frauds in black and white.

One journalist who never let Bruce get away with anything was Craig Hope, but he really made a fool of himself with an unhelpful and untrue splash in the week leading up to the Liverpool game that he subsequently topped with a bizarre quasi-sociological piece on late night socialising in the city centre, which he named the “Zombie Zone,” after footage emerged of Lascelles (all nice and snug in a designer bodywarmer, or gilet as you youngsters call them) knocking seven shades out of some radgies who were giving his brother a tough time. Fair play to the lad.

Anyway, back to the Liverpool debacle… After initially getting off on the wrong foot by stating Newcastle were favourites going into this one, Hope completed a complete, five star journalistic pratfall by making out as if the expectations among Newcastle fans were so high as to suggest we assumed victory against Klopp’s side to be our right. Nothing was further from the case and yet, in the final analysis, we should have won that game with something to spare. To lose, from a seemingly impregnable position of strength, was an almost unimaginable disaster, that no sane individual would have predicted with 15 minutes remaining.

Newcastle began in thrilling fashion, with Anthony Gordon a constant threat and looking a complete snip at £45m. Once Van Dijk had been sent off, the game was effectively won and if either of Miggy’s efforts had gone in, we win the game 2-0, no arguments. However, Eddy Howe proved he has feet of clay and cost us the game with a series of rash tactical errors that handed the initiative back to a game and organised Liverpool team, culminating in subbing off Gordon and Tonali. There was nothing wrong with bringing on Barnes, though he bottled a brilliant chance to double the lead, but Gordon and Tonali were winning the game for us. The loudmouth loonies who reckon Bruno is finished need to have a long, hard look at themselves, but it would have been appropriate for the Brazilian to have been given the hook for Sean during this one. Botman was unlucky to get the ball caught in his feet for the equaliser, but you simply can’t argue with both of Nunez’s finishes. Simply unstoppable, though they would have been irrelevant if we’d seen the game out properly.

Unnoticed by most Newcastle fans, whose attention was focussed on the Champions’ League, of which more in a moment, the transfer window closed the day before the Brighton game, when we completed the signing of Travis Hernes from Shrewsbury Town, for an undisclosed amount. Rather like other acquisitions such as Reece Byrne from Bohemians, Cathal Heffernan from AC Milan and even £6m man Yakuba Minteh, now out on loan with Feyenoord, I don’t expect any of them to be within a country mile of the first team squad any time soon, if ever. The same would also be true of the loaned fringe players: Harrison Ashby (Swansea City), Matty Bondeswell (Newport County), Cameron Ferguson (Forfar Athletic), Garang Kuol (Volendam), Max Thompson (Northampton Town), Jay Turner-Cooke (St. Johnstone) and Joe White (Crewe Alexandra). I am also absolutely certain we’ll never see any of this vacationing lot back on Tyneside again: Ryan Fraser (Southampton), Isaac Hayden (Standard Liege), who is the only one of the departing dross I’d shake warmly by the hand and thank for his efforts in black and white, Jeff Hendrick (Sheff Wed), Jamal Lewis (Watford) and Kelland Watts (Wigan), even if only the latter and Hendrick see their deals expire next Summer.

In fact, the only players we’ve got off the books who commanded any sort of a fee this summer were Karl Darlow, last seen conceding 9 penalties in a shoot-out that his new team Leeds lost to the mighty Salford, and Saint-Maximin to Al Ahli. Let’s be honest, both Gordon and Barnes are upgrades on Alain, who did his best for the cause, was a beacon of hope during the dark days of the Bruce administration and clearly loved the city, the club and the fans, but he was just too injury prone, unpredictable and unreliable to be a fixture in the squad for the circles the club aspires to mix in. At least he leaves with all our best wishes. Interestingly, looking to next Summer, the players who are likely to be out of contract, aside from the aforementioned Hendrick and Watts, include the trio of trainee mentors Dummett, Gillespie and Ritchie, quartet if Lascelles is included, the inactive Karius, Krafth and Manquillo and, perhaps most interestingly, Schar and Wilson, who are presumably the only 2 about whom decisions need to be made.

As regards the Champions’ League draw, it certainly seems feasible Newcastle will finish bottom. If that’s the case, I wouldn’t be too bothered; just collect the money for participating and then reinvest for next year. Alternatively, finish in the top 2 to go through to the next stage and collect even more riches for the future. The worst-case scenario is finishing third and ending up in the Europa League, with all the extra games that involves. It may have been better, in retrospect, to have finished top 4 this season and gone into the new fangled 36 team format for next year. Whatever the case, I’ll not be shelling out north of £1,300 for a corporate ticket. I’ll be taking my comfy seat on the sofa on those chilly Tuesday and Wednesday nights. Until November at least…

Finally, the Brighton hammering. What I like about De Zerbi’s side is that they were able to bounce back from a right thumping at home to West Ham to school us in every aspect of play. Even if both of those early Isak misses had gone in, they’d have beaten us with plenty to spare. What was blindingly obvious to me, apart from the intense irritation I felt at Alan Smith’s state of sexual ecstasy every time something went wrong for us, is that the more you have designs on a place at the top table, the more intense the microscopic analysis becomes. The forensic dissection of Pope’s play this season, including non-errors that could have been mistakes, is just part of it. Expect Trippier, Botman, Bruno, Tonali, Gordon, Barnes, Isak and Wilson, at least, to have their performances dissected like a patient etherized on a table throughout the campaign. We’ve had a tough start but haven’t done ourselves any favours. Time to regroup, reassess, cut out the errors and show the cutting edge that did for Villa on a regular basis, starting with the Brentford game on Saturday 16^th.

Being honest though, by the time Wilson scored a consolation goal at the Amex that I’ve still not seen, I was sat outside the Shiremoor Farm with Shelley on a gloriously sunny evening in late Summer, enjoying an Anarchy Blonde Star and celebrating great wins for Percy Main Amateurs and Tynemouth CC. At that point in my life, same as many others, the fortunes of Newcastle United just didn’t matter very much.