3 PM Reports

Me & Norman have decided we're going to do a programme at Percy Main again. However, the next home game isn't until October 14th, when Chemfica are the visitors, which means these match reports I've written will be too long out of date to feature in print. Consequently, here they are -:

Ponteland United 3 Percy Main 3:

August 16^th, 2023

Percy Main Amateurs continued their early season theme of scoring wonder goals, along with conceding terrible ones, in a thrilling 3-3 draw away to Ponteland United. This was the Main’s debut performance at Pont’s new ground at the Leisure Centre, though trivia fans would have noted this was actually the fourth pitch used for contests between the two sides over the years and, remarkably, the third in the last 10 months. Certainly, this facility has all the attributes of Ponteland’s original home, in boasting a huge, flat, well-grassed pitch that provides ample space and encourages both sides to play football, which is what contributed to such an entertaining contest.

After an encouraging opening that saw the Main take the game to their opponents, Kieran Brannen opened the scoring on 11 minutes, putting the Villagers ahead with a precise lob from almost 30 yards that sailed over stranded home keeper John Jenner, and nestled snugly in the right corner of the goal. It may not have had the flamboyance of Brannen’s strike against Rutherford the week before, but it was a finish worthy of the warm applause it garnered. The lead was almost doubled soon after, when Brannen cleverly worked space in the area, but saw Jenner spread himself to block a powerful low effort. Jenner also had to be alert to gather a fizzer from Mark McDonnell as Percy threatened to run away with the game. 

However, Ponteland came back into the game and levelled on the half hour when a corner fell invitingly on the left foot of Nathan Close, who despatched the ball with some aplomb beyond the despairing visitors’ back line. Brannen again went close with a delicious curling effort from the edge of the box that Jenner did well to palm away. Instead, it was the home side who took the lead on the verge of half time when Jude Mattera evaded both the Percy offside trap and the desperate efforts of keeper Callum Elliott, to run from deep and clip the ball home.

Immediately after the break, things got appreciably worse for Percy when an unmarked Close was allowed the freedom of the penalty area to nod home a well-flighted free kick from the far touchline. This blow seemed to take the game decisively away from the Main, and the game entered a period of low intensity keep ball from both sides, where little in terms of penalty box action occurred. However, things changed with 20 minutes remaining. Firstly, a spill in the box by Jenner, after a free kick had been awarded for handling outside the area, spotted by eagle-eyed assistant, the legendary Keith Scoffham, caused a proper scramble that just failed to see the ball forced home. Perhaps this was the encouragement the Main needed, as substitute Olly Emmerson took matters into his own hands, and halved the arrears with a stunning 25-yard effort that flew into the top corner.

From then on, the Main forced Pont back in search of an equaliser, but with the clock running down it seemed as if their quest would be in vain, until substitute Jack Fishburn collected a through ball on the edge of the box, evaded two challenges and sent a composed low finish across the stranded Jenner to bring the scores level and spark riotous celebrations among the visiting contingent. It was, in fairness, the correct result and another very entertaining game. Let us hope the Main can now concentrate on scoring tap-ins and keeping clean sheets for a change.

Percy Main Amateurs 7 Stobswood Welfare 3:

August 26^th, 2023

After a brace of disappointing home losses to Killingworth in the George Dobbins Cup and Newcastle Independent in the League, Percy Main returned to winning ways in a thunderous encounter with in-form Stobswood Welfare, who had themselves won their previous 4 games. Ironically, considering the fireworks that were to follow, the opening passage of play was a decidedly tepid affair, with neither keeper tested in the opening 10 minutes.

The game burst into life on 12 minutes, when Dillon Blake showed great determination on the right edge of the Stobswood area, to dispossess a visiting defender, caught with the ball under his feet from a throw-in. Once in control of the ball, Blake calmly slotted the ball into the bottom corner of the net. Ten minutes later, the lead was doubled, as was Blake’s goal tally. Jordan Stephenson nodded a loose ball back across the goalmouth and Blake pounced to rifle it into the top corner of the net. Unfortunately, this was to be Blake’s last contribution, as he limped off soon afterwards with a hamstring strain. Thankfully, any fears that this meant the end of the Villagers as an attacking force were soon dispelled as Stephenson himself got in on the act after 34 minutes, racing through on the right and finishing at the second attempt. Two minutes later, it was 4-0. McKenzie Sharpe hit the bar with a header and Stephenson was the first to react, stroking the rebound emphatically home.

At this point, the Main were utterly dominant and Stobswood were utterly unable to offer any kind of response, as the half ended 4-0. Credit though to the Northumbrian visitors, who didn’t give up at any point. Indeed, they got one back on 50 minutes, when a needless push in the penalty area gave Max Anderson the opportunity to cut the deficit from the spot. However, moments later the Villagers had restored their 4-goal advantage with a spot kick of their own. Sharpe was flattened on the edge of the area and got up to fire the penalty home. Stobswood’s veteran striker Josh Hay was largely kept quiet by the excellent Harry Twinn, playing in an unfamiliar centre back role, but the imposing forward got one back when pouncing on a loose ball after 61 minutes, to make the score 5-2.

Chances came thick and fast at both ends after that, with debutant Main keeper Aaron Steavens twice denying Hay before Stephenson completed his hat trick on 67 minutes. Substitute Kieran Brannen tore down the right and sent over a glorious cross that Stephenson planted into the roof of the net. There was still time for Anderson to notch his second penalty, before Brennan gloriously completed the scoring with an exquisite finish into the bottom corner, to make the final score a scarcely credible 7-3 to the home side.

Percy Main 2 Burradon & New Fordley 0;

September 2^nd, 2023

After a succession of goal gluts and defensive mishaps in the early part of the season, Percy Main came into this game on the back of a stalemate away to Hebburn Town Reserves. Considering Burradon and New Fordley had inflicted a 5-0 hammering on The villagers when the teams last met at the back end of last season, it was particularly gratifying to record a second successive clean sheet, as The Main notched up another excellent home win. It may not have had the fireworks of earlier contests against Rutherford and Stobswood, but this was perhaps a more enjoyable win as the boys from Purvis Park controlled the game from start to finish. In all honesty, the score told the truth about the game; this was a comfortable win for Percy against a side whose reputation counted for far more than their attempts on goal on the day. The reasons for that must include the assured and dominant displays at centre half by Harry Twinn and Man of the Match Thomas Bramley.

Conditions were perfect for football, as the game began in bright sunshine on a warm afternoon without a breath of wind to spoil proceedings. From the very off, the contest was played as a breakneck pace, with play switching rapidly from one end to the other. Kai Charlton had the first chance for the home side after one such lightning break, but his effort lacked sufficient power to trouble Thomas Shanley in the visitor’s goal. After 17 minutes, Callum Elliott proved why he is such an asset to The Main with a quite extraordinary save, tipping over Henry Rawlinson’s stinging effort from fully 30 yards. Again play switched to the other goal and Mackenzie Sharpe was inches wide with a header, though the home side were ahead a minute later when Charlton picked up a loose ball from a corner and drove it emphatically home through a knot of players in the six yard box.

It was no more than the Main deserved and despite a flurry of yellow cards for the home team, following a degree of unpleasantness with the volatile Sean McRoberts, Percy went in at the break a goal to the good. Soon after the resumption, the lead was doubled in superb style, when Sharpe collected the ball on the left touchline, cut inside and fired a low shot into the corner of the net that left Shanley motionless. This was effectively game over and the Main could have added to their tally, as Sharpe, on three separate occasions, Jordan Stephensonall went close. At the other end, all-action skipper Mark McDonnell made a brilliant goal saving tackle, just as it seemed Sam Bullock was about to pull a goal back.

There was still time for Elliott to make another blinding, full length save from Dean Walker, before the final act of a great win for the home side saw McDonnell denied by Shanley’s knee as the whistle was about to be blown. An absorbing win and a thoroughly merited 3 points for a determined and attractive Percy Main side.

 

Washed Out

 The 2023 cricket season is over. Thankfully...

Saturday 19^th August:

A good all round team effort by Tynemouth first XI saw them secure a deserved win at home to Ashington. After a heavy and prolonged period of rain overnight the Preston Avenue ground was very wet first thing, but with sunshine and a warm wind predicted the prospects of play looked good. However a delayed start saw the game begin at 14.30 and a shortened game of 35 overs per side was to be contested. The wicket was dry enough and played well throughout but the run ups and crease at the Percy Park end of the ground made decisions tricky around a starting time but thankfully agreement was eventually reached.

Ashington skipper Sean McCafferty won the toss and asked Tynemouth to bat first. Ben Debnam opened up with Matt Kimmitt but nicked one outside of off stump, dismissed for just 1 and when Tshepo Ntuli went soon after for 7, Tynemouth were in a spot of bother at 30/2.  That brought the in-form Matt Brown to the crease, and he then began to repair the damage with Kimmitt with a fine partnership of 59. The right handed Brown stands tall in the crease and plays with a minimum of movement yet great timing. When in form he adds composure and confidence to the top order. His 37 here off just 38 balls were important runs, helping to build a score and at the same time up the run rate. The left handed Kimmitt has a different way altogether! Low to the ground, there’s a spontaneity about his play that can be maddening at times but on this occasion it was great to watch. Preferring horizontal bat shots and often bringing in his trademark reverse sweep, this was an inventive knock and a joy to watch. 63 off 63 balls was just what his team needed and made sure they would have a score to defend. A word also for another high class innings from young Robbie Bowman: once again he showed great composure and concentration for one so young. Some of his stroke play was out of the top drawer and 2 mighty sixes, one flying high over the Pavilion and the other straight into the home dressing room, were a joy to behold. A total of 195 felt a tad above par but one the away side would certainly challenge.

For the visitors Professional Jeremiah Louis and Cameron Nicholls bowled economically and well but the rest struggled with the positive batting of Kimmitt, Brown and Bowman. Home skipper Martin Pollard had 3 spinners in his side and opted to open with 2 of them, in the returning Phil Morse and Professional Tshepo Ntuli. Jack Jessop and Adam Nichol opened up for the visitors and whilst there were a few early boundaries there was a slightly frantic feel about the batting, perhaps because of the early power play and it was no surprise to see Jessop hit a short ball from Morse straight to Matt Brown at deep square leg. As Pollard rung the bowling changes, wickets kept tumbling. Nicholls was yorked by a beauty from Andrew Jones and then Ntuli dismissed Jack McCarthy and Ben O’Brien in consecutive overs, leaving Ashington up with the run rate but 4 wickets down for just 65.

Former first class player Ben Harmison was now batting with Jeremiah Louis and the partnership began to develop. Harmison remains a class act. A tall and elegant left hander with a solid defence and ability to work the ball around. Louis more block, block, bonk, but effective too. Their partnership took the score to 100 and just as Ashington got back in the game Morse was back in the attack and had Harmison well caught by Ed Foreman at deep mid-off for 20. Morse was proving to be the key and further wickets of Louis and James Harmison put Tynemouth well on top. The catching from Tynemouth was superb with Andrew Jones and Foreman taking two beauties, and with Morse, Brown and Poynter getting in to the act as well, the home side closed the game out for what in the end was a comfortable win. 4/39 from Morse was impressive but the whole attack combined well and were supported by some fine fielding.

A win here plus losses for Hetton Lyons and Whitburn have given Tynemouth a bit of a gap between themselves and the bottom two. More performances like this one will see them safe. A full scorecard can be found here: https://nepremierleague.play-cricket.com/website/results/5543833 and the League Table is here (remember, two teams are relegated): https://nepremierleague.play-cricket.com/website/division/109537 Next weekend Tynemouth play away to Burnopfield on Saturday and then at home to Benwell Hill on Bank Holiday Monday . Both games start at 11.30.

In the reverse fixture, Ashington 2s prevailed by 2 wickets over Tynemouth 2s. Batting first, The Croons posted 185, with Barry Stewart (80) leading from the front, gaining support from Dan McGee (34), Adam Tugby (21) and Sam Robson (18). Unfortunately, the competitive total was not quite enough, despite the best efforts of all Tynemouth bowlers, with Robson (2/25) and McGee (2/44) proving the pick of them.

 

Tynemouth Saturday 3s suffered an agonising loss by 10 runs to Cowgate 2s, in a game shortened to 25 overs each that began at 3.15. The home side batted first and, in the absence of umpires, were the beneficiaries of generous decisions regarding potential runouts. Their total of 134/9 was perhaps more than they would have posted with neutral umpires in place but saw excellent bowling from skipper Richy Hay (3/24), Ed Snelders (3/26) and Dan Storey (2/30) keep Tynemouth in the game. The early run out of chairman and Wallsend native Graeme Hallam was a blow that the visitors never fully recovered from, but belligerent knocks from Evan Hull-Denholm (28), Hay (19), Shams Oraikhill (19) and especially a heroic unbeaten 22* from Alosh Jose, saw Tynemouth go agonisingly close. However, a return of 8 points in defeat proved the validity of playing the game, rather than settling for 5 from an abandonment.

Sadly, an experienced Sunday 3s lost by 59 runs away to Sunderland. The home side batted first, posting 208/8, with James Carr (2/30), Joel Hull-Denholm (2/40) and Emily Whiting (2/43) all bowling superbly. The Tynemouth innings, include eye-catching efforts from Hull-Denholm (46), Patrick Hallam (32) and Barry Stewart (17), ended on 149 all out.

Sometimes, I really hate myself. Today was one of those instances. I was completely in the right, morally, but behaved in a way that was utterly wrong and I still find my conduct inexplicable, if not necessarily indefensible. Earlier in the season, I’d not enjoyed the home game with Cowgate, as I’d had a bad time umpiring, suffering dog’s abuse for not giving Rohan out, when the ball was clearly going down leg side and then for giving Finn out, both LBW of course, when he’d hit it. In that game, the rancour was amplified by a feeling of utter hopelessness, as I’d neither batted nor bowled. It’s bad enough being incompetent, but to be otiose and incompetent is even worse. That said, when we’d played them a couple of weeks afterwards in the cup one midweek, I’d bowled a couple of overs and felt reasonably good about things. That wasn’t the case on this occasion.

This game should not have taken place. Not only had the overnight rain left the outfield a mud bath, but there was also a junior football match taking place on the outfield that churned the grass up even more. Added to that, the uncovered wicket was effectively underwater. We should have arrived, had a cursory look, shaken hands then headed back to TCC for the Ashington game. Cowgate weren’t having that. As they still had a slim chance of promotion, they insisted on giving the pitch time to dry. We sat around doing nothing until about 3pm when, after insistent pressure on their part, the game went ahead, albeit reduced to 25 overs.

Of course, the lack of proper umpires became a significant problem as the bloke who’d given me such dog’s abuse for not giving out Rohan and then benefitted from my terrible decision to trigger Finn, was standing for them, having already been out himself. In an outrageous example of blatant cheating that simply could not be regarded as regular incompetence, he refused to give a run out when their bloke was miles out of his ground. We were astonished and appalled, but we grudgingly played on and saw him top score. My anger at this injustice began to fester and continued as I was again umpiring. This time I was called on to adjudicate on a run out from square leg, which I had no idea about as one of their fielders was obscuring my vision. Actually, they seemed to accept my explanation. Sadly, my anger again came to the surface when we did the handshakes after we’d fallen 10 runs short of the target. I was more than a little frustrated that, yet again, I’d neither bowled nor batted in the game. Not being given the chance to influence things makes me feel frustrated and impotent and seeing the bloke who’d abused me in the first game and cheated in this one made me see red. His pal in front of him firstly refused to shake my hand, so we exchanged unpleasantries (he told me to fuck off, so I reciprocated), before the cheat started to have a real go.

In retrospect, I know I should have walked away and said nothing, but I suppose my football background got the better of me. Pointing out that if this had been a Sunday league match in the old days, all 22 of us would have been at it like it was a saloon bar brawl in the 19^th century gold rush, I admit that I went to flip his cap off. It didn’t work and he started to get hysterical, demanding the coppers were called as I’d assaulted him. I was ushered away, which was just as well as I was about to explode. Thankfully Richy managed to calm him down and we left without further incident.

Immediately afterwards, I knew I’d fucked up. Badly. If I wasn’t able to calm down enough for the handshakes, I had the perfect excuse as I had to take my pads off, being ready to bat if needed. As I’d gone to do the handshakes, I should have just ignored the cheat and his pal, but I was so angry I didn’t. Sadly, this was a total disaster and one that I was too embarrassed to tell Shelley about. As we were off to Belfast the next day, I tried to bury things to the back of my mind. Bad move.

Saturday 26^th August:

A Bank Holiday weekend which provided two opportunities for Tynemouth CC first XI to improve their position in the table, ended in frustration as the team failed to pick up a win through a combination of bad luck on Saturday due to the weather at Burnopfield and another poor batting display on Monday against Benwell Hill at Preston Avenue. As a result, a win from the remaining two fixtures is now required or the Club will be relegated in to Division 1 of the North East Premier League for the first time.

On Saturday, with glorious sunshine at the coast and dry weather at every other Premier League ground hosting a match, Tynemouth had the misfortune to be playing away at Burnopfield. Way out west, way up high, and way out of luck! On arrival, the square and outfield were both wet and the clouds were grey and surrounding the ground in a most threatening way. However, both teams and umpires were keen to play, and a delayed start time was agreed. Home skipper Dave Seymour won the toss and asked Tynemouth to have a bat first. Before a ball was bowled light drizzle began to fall, delaying the start still further and players were on and off several times until torrential rain of a biblical nature arrived, flooding the square and parts of the outfield as well. Players and umpires dashed off and knew straight away that there was no chance of any further play. Credit should be given to the ground staff for their efforts. In the hour where play was possible Tynemouth had compiled a useful 70/2 off 17 overs with Matt Brown unbeaten on 13 and Tshepo Ntuli, in his last game for the Croons, 17*. The popular South African has now returned home for pre-season training. Best wishes Tshepo, and thanks for your efforts both on and off the field.

On Monday, fellow strugglers Benwell Hill were the visitors to Preston Avenue and whilst mathematicians might disagree, everyone playing and watching knew that the winners would end the game safe from the drop and the losers would still need a win. Martin Pollard won the toss and asked The Hill to take first guard. Jacob Clark, who replaces Ntuli for the remaining games, started well from the Rugby Stand end of the ground and he had Hayden Mustard brilliantly caught by Matt Kimmitt at slip for a four ball duck and not long after had Phil Bell caught by Andrew Jones also for a duck. Jones, himself, was bowling down Bank from the Golf Course end and he had danger man James Price caught behind for just 6. Clarke completed 10 steady overs of medium paced swing bowling in one spell ending with good figures of 2/21. The Hill needed a recovery from 52/4 and it was Kyle Coetzer who led it with a fine innings of 55, well supported by his skipper Pete Halliday (19) and Will Archbold (15), ensuring the Hill would have a score to defend on what was a low and slow pitch. Coetzer played the knock of the day combining his usual excellent timing with a real determination to chisel out a score to help his team win an important game. A final total of 165 was competitive though perhaps a tad under par. For Tynemouth the two opening bowlers were the pick but a word also for Phil Morse who ended up with 2 wickets including a beauty to clean bowl Coetzer.

Ben Debnam and Matt Kimmitt opened up for the home side but neither lasted long as Debnam was trapped lbw by Aussie Evasio McMillan and then Kimmitt chipped one straight to the safe hands of Coetzer at mid-wicket. 10/2 was not the start the home side needed. Jacob Clarke and Mo Jamal set about repairing the damage and had moved the score on to 44 when Clarke hit a fine square cut off Dan Gardiner. Off the bat it looked like a certain boundary, but Will Archbold flung himself to his left and took a quite stunning one handed catch at backward point. In his very next over the pacy Gardiner got one to bounce and Jamal mistimed his pull shot and was caught by Callum Harding at mid-on. Tynemouth were in trouble now and once again the batting succumbed despite the efforts of Matthew Brown who played a steady hand before being last man out for 27. Tynemouth’s total of 101 in just 35 overs was a disappointing effort, though credit should also go to the Benwell Hill bowlers who all made a contribution and to their fine fielding too.

A good crowd, including decent numbers from the away team, saw a competitive game played in good spirits in a contest where the stakes were high and the atmosphere at times pretty tense. Next Saturday the game is at Hetton Lyons. With the Lyons currently second bottom it has become a must win game for both teams.

There was precious little joy to be found among the other Tynemouth sides either. The 2s lost at home to Gateshead Fell and away to Benwell Hill on Saturday and Monday respectively. Batting first against the Fell veteran Wallsend native Graeme Hallam (46) top scored, assisted by son Patrick (44), aged former Munster resident Andrew Lineham (42) and skipper Chris Fairley (39), as Tynemouth posted 210/8. Sadly, this was not enough as the visitors won by 6 wickets. On Monday, Tynemouth restricted The Hill to 149 all out, with Josh Koen (3/18) and Shams Oraikhill (2/13) proving the pick of the bowlers. Sadly, the batting was found lacking as the home side dismissed Tynemouth for 104, with only Dan McGee (52) and Patrick Hallam (21) making significant contributions.

The Saturday 3s lost by 8 wickets to Hexham Leazes and the Sunday 3s have now completed their fixtures for the season.

The inevitable reckoning for my actions came the following Thursday. Getting ready for a day on the gargle in Bangor, I plucked up the courage to phone Andy Lineham to discuss the incident at Cowgate. Fair play to Linaz, he handled it brilliantly; yes, he called me out on my actions, but he wasn’t in any way excessively judgemental or pompous. He told me what I knew; that it was unacceptable and that I’d have to face sanctions. In the end a three-game ban, balancing both the seriousness of the offence with potential extenuating circumstances, seemed fair enough. I must admit though, I didn’t feel able to face anyone at the club on the Saturday we got back from Belfast. Without question, I’d have been selected for the Hexham Leazes game, though with equal certainty I can state my presence would not have positively influenced the result (lost by 8 wickets after being bowled out for 56) one iota. The silver lining was that the next 2 fixtures were winnable ones, though if we lost either of them, we were down.

 Saturday 2^nd September:

A good all-round performance by an enthusiastic team resulted in the win needed to avoid relegation as Tynemouth CC first XI (248/9) beat Hetton Lyons (174 all out) by 74 runs. After a season where the weather has affected us more than most and the side has not played to its full potential, when it really mattered, they rose to the occasion, winning well and playing some positive cricket throughout. Hetton Lyons will now be relegated along with Whitburn; despite being 24 points behind Tynemouth, which is the maximum possible for winning a game in the 50-over format, they will not avoid the drop, even if Tynemouth fail to accrue a single point at home to Burnmoor on Saturday, as Tynemouth have won more games, which is the next criterion used to rank teams after total points are taken into consideration.

The Hetton Lyons ground is one that improves year on year and was in great condition to welcome Tynemouth in a game where the losers would almost certainly be relegated. The field was damp and the grass lush, so boundaries were to be scarce early on; however, once the sun got out, it ground out quickly and for a change the weather was perfect for cricket. Blue skies and a gentle breeze made short sleeves de rigeur. Lyons skipper Stu Walker won the toss and decided to have a bowl. For Tynemouth, Ben Debnam opened up with Matt Kimmitt, but after a positive start, Kimmitt fell for 12 with the score on 15. Enter Stu Poynter who then provided us with a quite brilliant innings of 74 off just 50 balls. This was Poynter at his best and a knock he should be proud of. As Ben Debnam got stuck in resolutely at one end, Poynter was in full flow at the other. An innings full of power packed straight drives, slog sweeps and, when necessary, solid defence. Five sixes and seven fours were hit all round the ground, and out of it on occasions too. When his dismissal came it was the ball after drinks, caught and bowled by Cameron Grimwood, but by then Tynemouth were well ahead in the game at 107/2.

Jacob Clarke didn’t last long but Debnam was beginning to flow now, seemingly loosened up by the bravado of Poynter and, along with the impressive Matt Brown, these two built a fine partnership of 71 before Debnam was adjudged lbw off the bowling of Aussie Marcus Farquharson for a determined 43. Brown was next out for a valuable 46, when attempting to up the scoring rate and though a few wickets did fall quickly, Robbie Bowman once again showed class and composure with a lovely cameo of 22 at a run a ball. The final act saw Andrew Jones smash 2 huge maximums in the final over which helped his side reach an impressive 248/9.

In reply, Hetton opened with Stu Walker and Gary Scott in an attempt to get a fast start in the powerplay, but one that failed as Jacob Clarke dismissed both, leaving the Lyons struggling at 12/2. Farquharson with 47 and Chris Martin with 61 played good hands but this Tynemouth team was not to be denied. Clarke with 3/40 and Phil Morse with 3/42 were the main wicket takers and a word should be spared too for Matt Brown, who once again bowled an economical spell, not to mention Andrew Jones who opened the bowling and then came back to take the last two wickets. This is Andrew’s last match for Tynemouth as he’s moving out of the area with work. He’s been great to have around, has bowled very well and been totally committed on the field whether batting, bowling or fielding. When he clean bowled last man Oliver Watt, he ended his time as a Croon with a “Broadie;” a 6 with his last shot and a wicket with his last ball. Well done Andrew and best wishes for the future.

In the reverse field, Tynemouth 2s were relegated to the back field in order to accommodate a wedding marquee on the main pitch but were little discomfited by this change in surroundings. Batting first, they posted 166/8, courtesy of helpful knocks by Patrick Hallam (41), Barry Stewart (36) and Dan Thorburn (20). This total proved to be more than enough as Hetton Lyons 2s were dismissed for 110. Shams Oraikhill (3/19) was the pick of the bowlers, ably assisted by Dan McGee (3/32) and Richy Hay (2/39). The 2s finish their campaign away to Burnmoor on Saturday.

The Sunday 3s have sadly been relegated to Sunday Division 2, but the Saturday 3s remain alive in Northumberland and Tyneside Cricket League Division 5 (South), 6 points above the drop zone, with 2 games to play. Because of the nuptials at Preston Avenue on Saturday, the 3s were given use of the main field on the Sunday and made the best of the situation with a 52-run victory over Benwell & Walbottle 2s, who now drop to second bottom. In the absence of regular skipper Hay, Sam Robson adopted the locum role and marshalled his charges to a crucial victory. In a season where batting has been the most painful of Achilles heels for the 3s, Andrew Davison’s impeccable 84, supported by Wallsend-born Graeme Hallam’s 55, at almost a run a year, were crucial to an imposing 232/8 from 40 overs. To put this in context, this more than the aggregate score for the home games against Annfield Plain, Hexham Leazes, Leadgate and Newcastle combined.

In response, the bowlers stepped up to the mark, not least the impressive parsimonious Dan Storey (1/14) and the more extravagant Dom Askins (2/37), resulting in Benwell & Walbottle closing on 180/6. On Saturday, Tynemouth visit bottom placed Lintz 2s in a crucial clash, while Benwell & Walbottle host a massively improved Leadgate. A win on Saturday is essential, especially as the final Saturday of the season sees Tynemouth playing host to Champions elect Greenside, while Lintz face off against Benwell & Walbottle in a cricketing danse macabre.

After spending another brilliant Saturday in the company of Percy Main Amateurs, seeing us win 2-0 over a very disappointing Burradon & New Fordley outfit, I took a deep breath on Sunday lunch time, then headed down to Preston Avenue for the delayed 3s game. I was almost sick with nerves heading into the place, but luckily nobody blanked me, only Sam Robson took the piss and there were loads of blokes I knew around, so it was easy to blend into the background. It was great to see us win and, being honest, there was absolutely no way I’d have got into that team on merit, though I’ll admit to feeling a little distant and detached from proceedings.

Saturday 9^th September:

The final game of the 2023 season saw a competitive match at Preston Avenue under the sight of clear blue skies and the sound of some resident Ring Tailed Parakeets, much to the delight of Life Member and inveterate twitcher, John Carr. A flat wicket and a quick outfield made batting quite easy at times. However neither side ever really got going as the game swung one way and then the other before a superb innings of 98 not out from Burnmoor’s Karl Turner won it for the away side. The result meant Burnmoor finished the season in second place behind South Northumberland and Tynemouth avoided relegation finishing 10^th. Whitburn and Hetton Lyons go down and are to be replaced by Sunderland and Tynedale in the top division next season.

Tynemouth batted first and lost a wicket early as Ben Debnam was trapped on the crease and adjudged lbw to Josh Coughlin. Last week’s batting star Stuey Poynter once again started positively but also fell lbw to Coughlin for 15. However Matt Kimmitt was going well, and he was joined by Jacob Clarke. The two put together a fine partnership of 59 before Kimmitt was caught for a solid 64, leaving his team handily placed at 114/3. The left handed Kimmitt played very fluently. His high risk approach on this occasion bringing good rewards. At the other end the right handed Clarke was more orthodox in approach. A solid defence punctuated by aggression if the bowler strayed off line or length and it was a shame when he was out soon after for a well put together innings of 46. However from a commanding 161/4, the middle and late order batsmen rather fluffed their lines and a final score of 194 was disappointing given such a good start. Robbie Bowman batting at 6 once again produced a lovely innings of 46. His form over the past few weeks has been excellent and bodes very well for this 15 year old who is impressing not just in our First team but with Durham CCC as well. We all look forward to watching him batting and keeping wicket next season. For Burnmoor, and after Josh Coughlin’s early inroads, it was the off spinners Ryan Pringle and Craig Stephenson who had the most success picking up seven wickets between them.

With several regular bowlers missing this week, Tynemouth opened the bowling with Matthew Brown, and he took the key wicket of Ross Greenwell with a fine yorker early in the piece. However it was the left handed Karl Turner who got off to a flyer with a succession of beautifully timed boundaries hit all round the ground. The understrength Tynemouth attack battled hard and had some success. Brown and Dan McGee got a couple of wickets each and Clarke, Skipper Pollard and Josh Koen one each to keep the home side in the game and at 164/7 Tynemouth must have fancied their chances, but Turner was playing a gem of an innings and though he thoroughly deserved a century ended on 98 not out with the winning shot and the last runs of the 2023 season.

A full scorecard can be found here:  https://nepremierleague.play-cricket.com/website/results/5543835

And a final league table here: https://nepremierleague.play-cricket.com/website/division/109537

Tynemouth 2s played the reverse fixture at Burnmoor and were rather ignominiously skittled for exactly 100, though any concerns about the pitch can be firmly rebuffed by noting Burnmoor knocked off the runs required in a shade over 12 overs for the loss of one wicket. A far happier tale was written by the Saturday 3s, who still have a final fixture next Saturday at home to Greenside (12.30), who rescued themselves from a seemingly impossible position only a fortnight ago by completing a pair of victories, home to Benwell & Walbottle 2s last week and away to Lintz 2 this.

After a season of pitiful batting performances, the venerable Wallsend-born former English golfer Graeme Hallam came to the side’s rescue. Last week it was a half century, while this week, despite pulling both hamstrings in the line of duty, he contributed a gallant unbeaten 116 as the 3s posted their highest total of the season: 236/8. There were also useful knocks from Andrew Davison (30), Dom Haskins (23) and a fine unbeaten 22 from Paul Hurst, whose one-bounce ramp shot to the boundary was warmly applauded by the dozen or so spectators sunning themselves on a breathless afternoon on the Gateshead / Durham border.

Skipper Richy Hay put behind him his unfortunate batting calamity (run out 0 from a single ball), by bowling with economy and pace in returning 1-20 from his 9 overs.  Other praiseworthy bowling performances saw tidy spells from Matty Walton (2/20) and Asik Miah (2/18, plus a superb run out), meaning Lintz, though batting doggedly and with great spirit, fell 65 runs short, ending on 175/8. It has, as ever, been a tough campaign for the Saturday 3s, but Hay and his men rightfully deserve their title the Kings of the Back Field.

So, how did I feel about this one? Elated, to say the very least. Partly at the result, but mainly because Richy gave me a lift and I got to see the lads in the flesh. In all honesty, this was another selection that was above and beyond my abilities, which was great to be perfectly honest. We were never in any danger of losing and, buoyed up by the win, and the sense of camaraderie and inclusion from being at Lintz, I thoroughly enjoyed the end of season piss-up in the clubhouse, despite being sensible enough to check out around 11 o’clock. I may not have played, but Tynemouth is my club and the 3s are my team.

Saturday 16^th September

Tynemouth 3s v Greenside, rained off.

Tynemouth 3s: played 22, won 5, abandoned 5, lost 12.

ian cusack: selected 14, won 1, abandoned 3, lost 10.

runs scored 6, average 1.5.

overs bowled 9, runs conceded 60, wickets taken 0.

The downpour began on Thursday evening and continued, unabated, for 36 hours. In the circumstances, 5 points against the divisional champions was a decent return, even if was only because of a cancellation. I can’t pretend I wasn’t relieved, not because I was able to see Percy Main (I wasn’t, as the cup game at Hebburn fell victim to a waterlogged pitch, so I got stuck with seeing an unimpressive Benfield losing to a similarly uninspired Whitley Bay), but because I’d failed to make the starting XI. Richy told me I was 13^th man and, yet again, you couldn’t argue with the selection. I’m just not good enough and, if this one had gone ahead without me, I might have called it a day on my “playing” career. As it is, I won’t; I’m going to give it one more year until I’m 60 and then that’ll be it for me. Despite coming in to the season fitter and more positive than for years, the terrible weather that has blighted the past few months, destroyed all momentum any of us had. But when I have played, other than the debacle against Cowgate, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed myself. Even when we lost by 227 runs to Leadgate, mainly on account of the fact I got to bowl a 6 over spell. Best of all was hitting that straight drive to the boundary at Hexham, especially as Harry got to see it, on a glorious afternoon on a beautiful ground in the Tyne Valley. I’ll cherish that memory forever.

 

 

Your Friends in the North

Issue #22 of the wonderful New Ferriby fanzine View from the Allotment End is out this weekend. You really should buy it, not just because I've go this piece in it -:

Belated congratulations to everyone at North Ferriby, whether the part you play for your club is on the pitch or off. It’s wonderful to see the renascent club continuing to climb the Pyramid. Having undergone a painful divorce from my formerly beloved Newcastle Benfield, now and as ever of Northern League Division 1, I have happily found myself madly back in love with Percy Main Amateurs of the Northern Alliance Premier Division. Anyone who is remotely interested in the first flowerings of my romance with the Main can have a free copy of the book I wrote about the club, Village Voice, by either sending me a DM to @GloveLitZine or an email to iancusack@blueyonder.co.uk

The Northern Alliance Premier Division, which is unquestionably the best football league in the world, stands at Step 7 in the non-league pyramid, and as Purvis Park has neither floodlights nor seating, nor any plan to install such luxuries, there’s zero chance of seeing us progress. Ever. Hence, for the foreseeable future, it’ll be annual contests with the likes of Alnwick Town, Cramlington United, Killingworth, Ponteland, Rutherford and a dozen other regular visitors. I’ve no problem with that; at our level, familiarity breeds companionship not contempt. Indeed, in my days at Benfield two steps higher in the pyramid, little changed in terms of our rivals from season to season. Alright, there was internal movement between the two divisions, but the famously insular Northern League, which had a reputation for being as open to overtures of increased contact with the rest of the football world as Bhutan and North Korea are to the United Nations, remained in splendid isolation. Remember, this was the competition that spurned the opportunity of direct promotion into the Conference when the pyramid was first created.

Suddenly, everything changed when the FA insisted that clubs finishing at the top of Step 5 leagues had to go up, whether they wanted to or not. This, alongside the recently introduced play off system between Step 4 under-achievers and Step 5 runners-up, means that the Northern Premier League East features 6 former Northern League teams. Indeed, other former Northern League teams have gone further; Gateshead have never been part of the Northern League, while Blyth Spartans, Gretna (RIP) and Spennymoor left for pastures new back in the 70s and 80s, while more recent departures South Shields, drawing near 2,000 gates to their sterile Filtrona Park ground, are in the National League North, no to mention Morpeth, boasting a millionaire benefactor in Ken Beattie and a pleasantly rural home of Craik Park in a wooded copse just off Morpeth Common, and Marske United, who play at the charmingly ramshackle and ironically named Mount Pleasant, are in the Northern Premier League Premier Division.

Bear in mind that two of last season’s relegated clubs from the NPLE have returned to the Northern League, so you could have been heading up this way even more often than you already are. While Shildon and their glorious Dean Street ground, home to a magnificent pagoda style stand, simply had a lousy season on the pitch, North Shields finished 7^th. The sad facts were that their rancid, decrepit Ralph Gardiner Park failed a ground inspection after league officials discovered not a spade had been turned in 9 months regarding the improvements Shields had been ordered to make as a condition of their acceptance in the league, despite an anonymous benefactor stumping up the cash for the work required (remember, Shields is the home town of local lads made good Sam Fender and Sean Longstaff).

Anyway, here’s a brief guide to the 6 clubs you’ll visit that were previously in the Northern League. I’ve also been to Liversedge, which is an interesting little spot, providing you can navigate the long and winding country lane that leads to their door. As I’m writing this in early August, I don’t obviously know if Ferriby will face any other Northern League clubs in knock-out competitions other than Crook Town. I do know you’ve drawn them at home, but I don’t know if there are replays in this season’s competition. If there are, and you need one, then I hope you went, as Crook’s home of Millfield is one of my very favourite grounds in the world; a truly atmospheric old-style arena with concrete steps up to high terracing from the turnstile and two covered stands down the left touch line. Both of them have seen better days, but the cover provided and the chance to sit on wooden tip up seats can’t be beaten. A true gem of a ground that has rather more to recommend it than the some of the other places I’m about to mention.

Ashington: Undoubtedly the most vocal supporters, though equally linguistically incomprehensible, of all the 6 ex-NL clubs, Ashington have one hell of a history. Birthplace of the Charlton Brothers and NUFC legend Jackie Milburn, Ashington were a league club between 1923 and 1929, drawing crowds in excess of 13,000 to their beautiful old Portland Park home. Sadly, by the early 90s the club was on its last legs. A mass rallying round of the local populace saw crowds and interest explode, though Portland Park itself was beyond repair. They moved to the well appointed Woodhorn Lane in 2009 and last season finished second in the Northern League. Home fans can be disputatious and fond of the language of the snooker hall, but you will have a good day out in south east Northumberland. Highly recommended.

Consett: I see this game is scheduled for early September, so those of you who went will no doubt agree that Belle View Park, which replaced the original, imposing Belle Vue Park that boasted a main stand built by militant miners during the 1926 General Strike, is a dull, functional 4G cage. Funded by local oligarch, the plasticine-nosed Frank Bell, Consett are a community club, boasting dozens of junior teams, that used the funds generated by youngsters’ memberships and renting out the pitch, to build an excellent squad. Their manager, Tony Fawcett, is one of my former students, so I’m glad to see him doing so well.

Dunston: Originally known as Dunston Federation Brewery, they played their early football in the Wearside League, despite being 100 yards from the south bank of the Tyne. After a distinguished spell in the Northern League, during which time they won the FA Vase, they’ve made the step up and their Boxing Day draw at Hebburn in December 2021 was the best game I saw in the entire 2021/2022 season. Unfortunately, recent publicity has seen an unfortunate incident involving local hoodlums driving a hearse onto the pitch, causing the abandonment of a pre-season friendly with Gateshead. Don’t let this put you off, the UTS Stadium isn’t the setting for an update of Get Carter, it’s a down-to-earth ground for a down-to-earth club, run by down-to-earth people, including their incredibly angry chair, Malcolm James. I intend to be here on October 14th for the visit of Ferriby.

Hebburn Town: For years, Hebburn were a lower-ranking Northern League Division 2 side, with a 3-sided ground opposite a graveyard that they shared with Hebburn Cricket Club (RIP) and, on the far side, Northern Alliance side Hebburn Reyrolle (RIP). Less than a decade ago, the club was dying, but community regeneration, helped by the fact the football club is about the only place you can get a pint in the town, other than the enticingly named Protestant Conservative Club that I’ve unsurprisingly on both counts, never set my left foot in, means the whole place is a vibrant social hub. Sadly, the cricket club were forced out and folded and Reyrolle have become Hebburn Reserves, playing at a local school on a 4G pitch, with their original home used for first team warm-up routines. I know there was a bit of a contretemps in the Vase a few years back with Ferriby, but I’ve always enjoyed my visits to the South Tyneside club that welcomes everyone, as opposed to South Shields that is full of Mackems who are only there because they can’t source free tickets for the SoS. I intend to follow up my visit to Dunston with a trip to see Ferriby at Hebburn the week after, on October 21^st.

Newton Aycliffe: To draw an analogy, Newton Aycliffe winning the Northern League last season was as unexpected as Leicester City claiming the Premier League in 2016. Their success literally came out of nowhere. Their small and unassuming ground is hidden behind the local rugby and cricket clubs, accessed via a muddy footpath they may need to pave sharpish. I’ve been three of four times, seeing Benfield win, lose and draw here, but I’ve nothing more to say other than make sure you set your Sav Navs as this is a hard place to find. I very much doubt I’ll be getting in the festive spirit when Ferriby are the visitors on December 23^rd.

Stockton Town: Formed around 2015, Stockton Town built their utterly soulless and functional Bishopstown Road 4G cage as a cash cow to fund club progress. They swept through the North Riding League and both divisions of the Northern League, beating Benfield 4-0 every time we met, before taking up a spot in the NPLE. Having barely spent any time in the Northern League, their promotion and departure was not mourned. Indeed, Stockton Town may be the perfect example of how football fans support a team, but not necessarily the league they are in. Watch out for their local rivals Boro Rangers arriving in the NEPL in 2024.

So, there you are; my guide to your friends in the north. Remember, the only hearses you’ll see on a pitch in Ashington are the four-legged ones called Shergar.

 

 

Dismembership

No more prevarication; I’m going to have to talk about Newcastle United’s start to this campaign. After a pre-season itinerary and transfer window that went almost frighteningly well, the real stuff has seen games that have been, by turns, flattering, chastening, infuriating and humiliating, accompanied by a deafening clamour from intemperate hotheads on social media channels that seems to demand we drop Pope, sell Bruno and sack Howe immediately. It’s good to know there’s people with a sense of perspective out there, especially after such season-defining lowlights as a 1-0 loss to Wrexham in the first group stage game of the EFL Trophy.

In all seriousness, everything had started so promisingly. We’d signed Tonali (he of the legendary beaming countenance) and Barnes, both of whom are first team ready, as well as bringing in the impressive prospects Livramento and Hall, with the latter on loan at first. Other than Barnes, I’ll admit to being ignorant of our new captures, but what I’ve learned from the club’s approach to the real business of playing football, following the Saudi takeover, is that we no longer sign duds and that, even if a player seems to be lacking in essential skills, Howe has the ability to fashion silken purses from weak flesh. This Amazon Prime documentary series is an embarrassing load of shit, to be frank, but the best bits, apart from Dan Burn and Sean Longstaff talking movingly about how much it means to be turning out for their club, involve Eddy Howe’s team talks. I don’t know how his words affect the players, but I’m ready to give Man United a fucking fast game 24/7 I can tell you. Hence, there was no need to worry about NUFC’s forunes, despite the exacting challenges of our early fixture list. Or so I thought and still do, despite the current state of play.

Pre-season contests saw a routine win away to The Huns that I saw on some dodgy internet stream, as well as the trio of late night and wee small hours match ups stateside with Brentford, Brighton and Chelsea that I forsook for sleep. The only cloud on the horizon seemed to be the ill-judged and convoluted membership scheme. Good news saw the closing of the loophole whereby season ticket holders could buy supplementary cup tickets. Bad news included the point, later rescinded, that if you were successful in the ballot, you had no choice in the price of ticket you got allocated, which could mean you got stung £75 or £45, depending on category.

It could be worse of course; you could be voluntarily splashing out £650 on a Brentford corporate hospitality ticket, like one buffoon I know. The worst news about the brand-new digital ticket scheme was the sheer complexity of passing on a spare, to the extent that many groups of fans I know are keeping a burner phone to be used exclusively by anyone on a freebie or spare. It gets worse at away games, with the former custom of passing on tickets to your mates torpedoed by the need for photo ID, which has resulted in several instances of people being denied entry at Man City and Brighton. Even worse, rumours of empty seats at Brighton being caused by people buying tickets on account of the minimal number of points needed, but deliberately not showing up, as they wanted to in with a better shout for more attractive fixtures. I’m not sure if I accept that tall tale; after all, there was a rail strike on the day of the game that could explain the absences.

Weighing up the options, it seemed that the only way Shelley and I could take in a game at SJP was to attend the Villareal pre-season game on August 6^th. It wasn’t cheap at thirty quid a pop, but I’m facing up to the fact it is almost certain to be my only visit to the ground this season. We couldn’t do the Fiorentina friendly on the day before, on account of me being selected for Tynemouth 3s at home to Lions; game abandoned after 8 overs because of a thunderstorm incidentally. Sat in Bar 1892 in The Milburn, it was truly a joy to see how much being there meant to Shelley; the flags and build up almost had her in tears. The game wasn’t bad either, from NUFC’s perspective, as we tore them to pieces in the second half. Pepe Reina looks a very old man these days and Ben Brereton Diaz wasn’t much of a threat, especially as he spent the whole of the second half gently warming up, without being called into action.

Coming away from the ground, I felt everything was coming together nicely. The team was ready, prepared and as strong as it has ever been. Admittedly, the lack of cover at centre half was a worry, but all other areas of the squad that needed strengthening have been addressed. Villa are a good side and I was hopeful we’d squeak a narrow game by a single goal. Coming off the back of a 50-run loss to Annfield Plain, I settled down in Tynemouth clubhouse for the second half and watched an amazing performance that combined pace and ruthless finishing, as we eviscerated Villa. Were we seeing the emergence of actual title contenders? Only the next few games would answer that question.

Well, funny how things turn out isn’t it? The Manchester City game, apart from being a superb exposition of attacking midfield skills from Foden, showed us both how far we have to go, during the first half, and just how far we’ve already come, in the second. I’m not trying to pretend the first half was anything other than a footballing lesson, but the second was a far better showing, though not deserving of a point, mainly on account of the poor choices we made when in promising situations. However, while never content to lose, there is the comfort in the levels of joy shown by the home side at the full-time whistle, certainly in contrast to the years of abject humiliation that accompanied the seemingly inevitable, annual 4-0 thumping we got at the Etihad. These games had followed damage limitation / expectation management press conferences the day before from charlatans like Pards, McLaren, Benitez and Bruce, who regarded such appointments as an ordeal to fulfil and a free shot in the dull business of accumulating 40 points to stay up. Whichever one of Ashley’s puppets was nominally in the hot seat would seem genuinely chuffed if they escaped with a 2-0 scudding from a somnolent City, more concerned with their midweek tasks in the Champions’ League than the need to break sweat while collecting the voluntarily donated, generally gift-wrapped 3 points from terrible and timid frauds in black and white.

One journalist who never let Bruce get away with anything was Craig Hope, but he really made a fool of himself with an unhelpful and untrue splash in the week leading up to the Liverpool game that he subsequently topped with a bizarre quasi-sociological piece on late night socialising in the city centre, which he named the “Zombie Zone,” after footage emerged of Lascelles (all nice and snug in a designer bodywarmer, or gilet as you youngsters call them) knocking seven shades out of some radgies who were giving his brother a tough time. Fair play to the lad.

Anyway, back to the Liverpool debacle… After initially getting off on the wrong foot by stating Newcastle were favourites going into this one, Hope completed a complete, five star journalistic pratfall by making out as if the expectations among Newcastle fans were so high as to suggest we assumed victory against Klopp’s side to be our right. Nothing was further from the case and yet, in the final analysis, we should have won that game with something to spare. To lose, from a seemingly impregnable position of strength, was an almost unimaginable disaster, that no sane individual would have predicted with 15 minutes remaining.

Newcastle began in thrilling fashion, with Anthony Gordon a constant threat and looking a complete snip at £45m. Once Van Dijk had been sent off, the game was effectively won and if either of Miggy’s efforts had gone in, we win the game 2-0, no arguments. However, Eddy Howe proved he has feet of clay and cost us the game with a series of rash tactical errors that handed the initiative back to a game and organised Liverpool team, culminating in subbing off Gordon and Tonali. There was nothing wrong with bringing on Barnes, though he bottled a brilliant chance to double the lead, but Gordon and Tonali were winning the game for us. The loudmouth loonies who reckon Bruno is finished need to have a long, hard look at themselves, but it would have been appropriate for the Brazilian to have been given the hook for Sean during this one. Botman was unlucky to get the ball caught in his feet for the equaliser, but you simply can’t argue with both of Nunez’s finishes. Simply unstoppable, though they would have been irrelevant if we’d seen the game out properly.

Unnoticed by most Newcastle fans, whose attention was focussed on the Champions’ League, of which more in a moment, the transfer window closed the day before the Brighton game, when we completed the signing of Travis Hernes from Shrewsbury Town, for an undisclosed amount. Rather like other acquisitions such as Reece Byrne from Bohemians, Cathal Heffernan from AC Milan and even £6m man Yakuba Minteh, now out on loan with Feyenoord, I don’t expect any of them to be within a country mile of the first team squad any time soon, if ever. The same would also be true of the loaned fringe players: Harrison Ashby (Swansea City), Matty Bondeswell (Newport County), Cameron Ferguson (Forfar Athletic), Garang Kuol (Volendam), Max Thompson (Northampton Town), Jay Turner-Cooke (St. Johnstone) and Joe White (Crewe Alexandra). I am also absolutely certain we’ll never see any of this vacationing lot back on Tyneside again: Ryan Fraser (Southampton), Isaac Hayden (Standard Liege), who is the only one of the departing dross I’d shake warmly by the hand and thank for his efforts in black and white, Jeff Hendrick (Sheff Wed), Jamal Lewis (Watford) and Kelland Watts (Wigan), even if only the latter and Hendrick see their deals expire next Summer.

In fact, the only players we’ve got off the books who commanded any sort of a fee this summer were Karl Darlow, last seen conceding 9 penalties in a shoot-out that his new team Leeds lost to the mighty Salford, and Saint-Maximin to Al Ahli. Let’s be honest, both Gordon and Barnes are upgrades on Alain, who did his best for the cause, was a beacon of hope during the dark days of the Bruce administration and clearly loved the city, the club and the fans, but he was just too injury prone, unpredictable and unreliable to be a fixture in the squad for the circles the club aspires to mix in. At least he leaves with all our best wishes. Interestingly, looking to next Summer, the players who are likely to be out of contract, aside from the aforementioned Hendrick and Watts, include the trio of trainee mentors Dummett, Gillespie and Ritchie, quartet if Lascelles is included, the inactive Karius, Krafth and Manquillo and, perhaps most interestingly, Schar and Wilson, who are presumably the only 2 about whom decisions need to be made.

As regards the Champions’ League draw, it certainly seems feasible Newcastle will finish bottom. If that’s the case, I wouldn’t be too bothered; just collect the money for participating and then reinvest for next year. Alternatively, finish in the top 2 to go through to the next stage and collect even more riches for the future. The worst-case scenario is finishing third and ending up in the Europa League, with all the extra games that involves. It may have been better, in retrospect, to have finished top 4 this season and gone into the new fangled 36 team format for next year. Whatever the case, I’ll not be shelling out north of £1,300 for a corporate ticket. I’ll be taking my comfy seat on the sofa on those chilly Tuesday and Wednesday nights. Until November at least…

Finally, the Brighton hammering. What I like about De Zerbi’s side is that they were able to bounce back from a right thumping at home to West Ham to school us in every aspect of play. Even if both of those early Isak misses had gone in, they’d have beaten us with plenty to spare. What was blindingly obvious to me, apart from the intense irritation I felt at Alan Smith’s state of sexual ecstasy every time something went wrong for us, is that the more you have designs on a place at the top table, the more intense the microscopic analysis becomes. The forensic dissection of Pope’s play this season, including non-errors that could have been mistakes, is just part of it. Expect Trippier, Botman, Bruno, Tonali, Gordon, Barnes, Isak and Wilson, at least, to have their performances dissected like a patient etherized on a table throughout the campaign. We’ve had a tough start but haven’t done ourselves any favours. Time to regroup, reassess, cut out the errors and show the cutting edge that did for Villa on a regular basis, starting with the Brentford game on Saturday 16^th.

Being honest though, by the time Wilson scored a consolation goal at the Amex that I’ve still not seen, I was sat outside the Shiremoor Farm with Shelley on a gloriously sunny evening in late Summer, enjoying an Anarchy Blonde Star and celebrating great wins for Percy Main Amateurs and Tynemouth CC. At that point in my life, same as many others, the fortunes of Newcastle United just didn’t matter very much.