Arab Strop

Newcastle United's memorable season is over; thankfully there's still golf for Miguel Delaney & Oliver Holt to twist their faces about -:

The aftershock effects of the 2022 World Cup continue to be felt, as this interminable football season grinds on towards mid-June and beyond. If you can bear the excitement, there are still a couple of international fixtures to go yet. Forgive me please, I have no more details to share with you, as I have no clue who is playing whom, or when or where these games will take place, much less why they need to happen at all. Fairly obviously, apart from NTCL Division 5 (South) and the Northern Alliance AGM, due to be held Thursday 15 June at Blue Flames, The Ashes is the most important sporting event of the summer, but I do realise there are some distorted individuals who don’t see cricket as the most beautiful game of all, so there needs to be other competitive activities for those sorts to focus on. Golf, for instance, or engaging in pointless social media feuds with those running dog journalistic lackeys of the Glazer Family, waxy-faced popinjay Miguel Delaney and ageing, lickerish roue Oliver Holt.

According to Mig and Ollie golf is no longer a good walk spoiled, but rather a good mass execution spoiled, now Saudi Arabia have bought the game lock, stock and sand wedge. I’m not sure which club will need to be jettisoned to accommodate Holt’s patent bone saw, but it will give the stroke play Tories something to mull over at the 19^th hole, rather than simply expressing their undying love for Suella Braverman. I don’t like golf and I don’t like a great number of people I know who play the game, mainly for ideological reasons, though I am extremely amused to consider how the likes of the Newburn Neo Con Dave Broadmoor will reconcile their rampant Islamophobia with the knowledge their beloved game will now be operating under the aegis of Sharia Law rather than the influence of the Royal and Ancient. Pretty soon, every clubhouse across the world will be turned into a Mosque, which cheers me up. A lot. Seriously though, can you just imagine how the World’s most famous caddy, James Ellroy, will react to this?

When Miguel and Oliver aren’t stamping their spikes on the verdant putting surfaces of Wilmslow and Alderley Edge, they are on-line and in print, flag waving for the little guys from Old Trafford in their brave fight against the Evil Empire from the Etihad. Mind, they’ve been getting themselves in quite a stew over Newcastle United, along with their lickspittle shills from Denver’s Miniscule Militant Mob. If I understand the point that the screeching scribes and former employee of the House of Saud Denver Humbert are repeatedly trying to make, Manchester City and Newcastle United are baddies because they are owned by Islamic billionaires, while Manchester United are goodies because they are owned by non-Islamic billionaires. Well, at least Miguel and Oliver aren’t Anti-Semitic unlike Denver’s pals and almost all the critics of Newcastle United from Wearside, or indeed anyone who doesn’t seek to proselytise the Glazer Family a thousand times a day.

The last few games of the season saw Newcastle coast over the line in fourth place, happy to take a Champions’ League place and the incredible riches that promises, in a kind of relaxed and confident cruise control that reflects the magnificent managerial style of Eddie Howe. That said, the last 5 games of the season produced more panic attacks than pressure from our high press, but we got there in the end. There were different ways to interpret the first of that set of games. The home loss to Arsenal could perhaps most rationally be seen as the story of two excellent keepers on top form, though it was ultimately a very frustrating loss, after we’d started like an express train and could have been 2 up in the opening ten minutes. Being honest, it was right to deny us a penalty and thence they regrouped, thoroughly shithousing their way to victory with some extraordinarily daring timewasting tactics, almost from the first whistle onwards. Bruno’s injury and the negative impact of Sean’s absence both conspired to leave us creatively short-handed. Although Maxi did okay as an impact sub, I really can’t see his loose cannon approach being suitable for the team going forwards. He’s been fun to have, but going forwards we need to be serious and professional in every aspect and I don’t think he can offer us that on a regular basis.

I didn’t get to see the Leeds game as I was playing up at Leadgate, but the roars from a fervently black and white crowd in the packed clubhouse kept us well informed of the pattern of events. I didn’t even get to see the highlights as the Moldovan flute-playing dwarf and other delights from Eurovision kept Match of the Day off our screens. Watching the goals, it is clear that Wilson has ice in his veins, in a manner that is reminiscent of Shearer, which was one of the reasons I didn’t buy into the theory that NUFC were starting to run out of steam by this juncture. At the time, I though a point was a decent result against the Bogeyman Allardyce, but that may not be the case as we were the only team, he avoided defeat against in his, thankfully, doomed attempts to keep the DYB in the top division.

In advance of the Brighton game, there was much fearful noise on social media, with many fearing the Seagulls who’d destroyed Arsenal would turn up against us. Thankfully, it was more of the variety who capitulated disastrously to Everton who showed up on a glorious Thursday night. From the kick-off their measured, short passing game invited us on and the Howe patented high press, allied to our still amazing levels of fitness, pushed them back into their own penalty area. The 2-0 lead we went in with at the break was only a modest return for our dominance and their early reply after the break caused some faint hearts to flutter. However, their belated attempt to force things was equally unsuccessful a ploy, as it allowed us to twice pick them off with picture book breakaway goals. All in all; a stunning performance and a stunning atmosphere in the ground as, whatever the begrudgers say, this was a team and a crowd in perfect harmony. Goodness, the beer tasted nice in The Trent House at full time.

Unfortunately, I was ill for the Leicester game, and I really ought not have gone as, on returning home, my rampant chills and shivers heralded a painful and blinding fit of vomiting as I succumbed to the ravages of a chest infection. Ironically, I’d also been sick when we beat Leicester 2-1 on Easter Sunday last year, so perhaps it is a relief for my oesophagus that they’ve gone down. All in all, it was an anti-climax to a wonderful season, but a beautiful one. My 50^th and final game of 2022-2023 was watched from Bar 1892; albeit the last seat in the Milburn before it becomes the Gallowgate. If we’d taken our chances, we could have seen a repeat of the famous 7-1 that brought down the curtain on the title winning season under Keegan in May 1993. As it was, Leicester were brave enough to keep us out and we seemed to declare on 70 minutes, as a point was enough, much to the chagrin of a moaning specky twat to my left. I just hope he got to see that post-match interview with Jacob Murphy that should have reduced every fan of the club to a quivering, tearful wreck. What a bloke that fella is. What an achievement to come from nowhere to 4^th place. Come on you Mags!

And so to the last game at Chelsea, and a chance to pit our wits against the tactical genius who is Frank Lampard. A nothing game that didn’t even merit Sky coverage, never mind a watchable dodgy stream, so I stuck with Sky Sports News and tragic events from Goodison that saw the Scouse Mackems stay up. At least we finished in our highest position for 20 years, after a campaign that will go down as being as much fun as 87-88, 93-94, 01-02 or, at a push, the last part of 05-06, because it was so unexpected. Of course, this is when the pressure will start to mount and expectations will be ratcheted up, for both singings and performances. Sadly, I’d imagine a lot of the fun will go out of supporting NUFC, especially with the new Membership scheme suggesting tickets for the average Joe will be like gold dust. Well, perhaps now is a good time to unhitch myself from the bandwagon, not because of ideological issues per se, but simply because it won’t be as much fun now the crowd expects us to win.

For the record, Shelley and I have both renewed our Percy Main season tickets, so we’ll see you at Purvis Park. Howay the Villagers!!