Immaculate Consumption

 Books & music......

BOOKS:

These last few months have seen some of the big hitters back in print; with David Keenan’s Monument Maker due out in the next couple of weeks, it really has been the summer of the unreliable narrator. I’ve worked my way through some hellish fiction, in order of preference: David Peace’s Tokyo Redux, Roddy Doyle’s Love and James Ellroy’s Widespread Panic, not to mention the first and probably definitive scholarly analysis of The Fall and their world, Excavate, edited by Tessa Norton and Bob Stanley.

On a personal level, the excitement of knowing a new David Peace novel is imminent is amplified by the sight of my own name in the acknowledgements section; humbled rather than flattered is the emotion. Only then do I begin to consider the work in front of me. By work I mean both the book itself, and the labours David has put into it, as well as the effort of concentration and cultural familiarisation, whether it be the geography of West Yorkshire, the results of Liverpool FC in the early 1960s or the commuter railway network of the greater Tokyo region, required to fully appreciate the world David has depicted. 

Tokyo Redux, the final instalment of David’s eponymous trilogy, despite the use of three chronological protagonists, each blessed and cursed with parallel synchronous and asynchronous narratives, is the most straightforward of his books since The Damned United.  As well as a more straightforward plot, the use of language is again reduced from boiling point to a gentle simmering. While there is still a degree of hallucinatory repetition and rhyme to the prose, it feels less of an incantation than in other novels, such as GB84 or RED NOT DEAD and more of an attempt to convey the sound of things, feelings, even ideas. Thus, ton-ton is the lexical sound of construction for the 64 Olympics, while trains say shu-shu pop-po. 

As with the earlier two instalments, Tokyo Year Zero (2007) and Occupied City (2009), a corrupt cast of detectives, politicians, gangsters, geishas and seedy, drunken expats, both military and civilian, populate these novels. It could be Graham Greene’s Havana or James Ellroy’s Vietnam, where the past is a maelstrom of sex, violence and alcohol bordering perilously on anarchy. The crimes each novel is plotted around are real occurrences from post war Tokyo, acting as metaphors for the haunting of a city in search of a new identity, a tension that imbues everything with “the stench of the past, the noise of the future.”

Tokyo Redux concerns the “Shimoyama incident;” the death of Shimoyama Sadanori, the first head of JNR (Japanese National Railways), whose body was found dismembered by a locomotive in 1949. It’s the perfect mystery. Shimoyama’s sacking of 30,000 workers made him a target for the unions, providing David with the perfect excuse to explore industrial espionage, as he did in his savage dissection of the NUM in GB84. Connections with the 1948 Teigin poisonings central to Occupied City are hinted at, but this is David in straightforward (for him) narrative territory and we aren’t led away and astray into a labyrinth of plot interpolations and red herrings, even though we don’t actually learn what really happened to Shimoyama, for reasons linked to the fact the case remains unsolved to this day. 

Always keeping this unsolved death firmly in mind, the narrative is told in three periods: 1949, during the occupation, 1964, as Tokyo hosts the Olympics and 1989, as Emperor Showa approaches death. Each period has its own protagonist: first, Harry Sweeney, a disturbed cop from Montana; then Murota Hideki, a wisecracking, boozehound private dick who got 86ed from the Tokyo force for chasing high class poon. Both are recognisable tropes, ideal for progressing the story while remaining the kind of nourish, rugged outsiders who take neither shit nor prisoners. The final vehicle for truth is a less stereotypical creation; Donald Reichenbach a detached and debauched literary genius, reduced to eking a living as a hack translator. He responsibility for the murder of a character upset me more than any death in David’s books since Eddie Dunford’s demise in 1974.

As in Occupied City, Tokyo Redux ascends from the workaday routines of jaded cops and arrogant gangsters into a world of government intrigue and black bag conspiracies. Although you don’t need to have read the first two books to enjoy Tokyo Redux, it lands harder if you have.

Roddy Doyle used to write novels that were abrupt, brief, vibrant and funny. Love is rambling, long, heavy-going and more likely to make you smile than laugh. There was a lively sense of expectancy, of a world that might open up, in his early fiction, but now there’s not much to look forward to, as the world has shrunk and the horizon is not far distant. Another way of putting this is to say that his later novels, including Love, are based on experience. This honesty may be bleak, but it rings true.

The protagonists, Joe and Davy, go on a crawl to a succession of Dublin pubs, mainly on account of the fact they both have something to reveal, though Davy is reluctant to say what this is in his case. They are old friends from boyhood, now with sixty in sight. Joe has remained in Dublin, Davy moved to England. Both are married. Davy returns to see his father, though his relations with him have always been semi-detached in a setting of shared grief at the early death of Davy’s mother. As old friends, over the first pints they hark back to their youth, their first experience of pub life and adult freedom. They remember with special fondness a pub they knew as George’s, which was the first place where they felt fully accepted as grown-ups. There was a girl there both fancied, without knowing much about her except that she played the cello and was called Jessica.

Joe is endlessly eager to share his secret, though he can’t come at it straight. Yet it’s all he wants to talk about; it’s the only thing on his mind, so that it’s not clear whether he is proud and happy or ashamed. He may be all three. The fact is he has met Jessica again, at a parents-teachers evening, and she kissed him on the cheek while his wife Trish is in another classroom. They exchange telephone numbers, though Joe, suddenly forgetting her name, puts George against the number on the screen. Davy questions Joe sharply, repeatedly, tiresomely. Has Joe really left Trish? Despite everything? And he goes back, again and again, over his own marriage with Faye. And that, for much of the novel, is that.

They go from pub to pub, drinking pint after pint as they did when they were young, but with none of the exuberance of youth, as Davy questions Joe about the reality of his love for Jessica and the guilt he feels about Trish. There’s a sharp edge to the friendship, a touch of jealousy, as they go on and on and round and round. Reading the novel is for long periods like being trapped in the company of two pub bores; an experience unrelieved by any wit or imaginative flight. And yet, so much rings sadly true in their narrow world, and Doyle is so adept a writer that he holds your attention, and this is rewarded by the surprise he brings off in the last fifty or so pages, a surprise that changes the mood of the novel and invites you to reconsider what has gone before.

There are echoes of Beckett throughout, and as with Godot, it’s strangely exhilarating, as  there are sentences that would surely have had Beckett giving a mournful smile of recognition, even approval. For example: “He lifted both shoulders and extended his arms. Like a half-hearted Jesus on a cross built for a smaller man.” It takes courage for a novelist to demand you pay attention to bores. It takes rare talent to make this, first, acceptable, then weirdly enjoyable.

Stepping away from his Second LA Quartet after 2018’s This Storm, James Ellroy has presented us with Widespread Panic; the “confession” of Freddy Otash, who is both a historical figure and a mainstay of Ellroy’s body of work, which has always embraced the unreliable narrator’s approach to historical record. Both the real and fictional Otash were an LA cop of questionable professional probity turned enforcer and fixer for Confidential magazine, then, eventually, a private detective. The real Otash died in 1992. The fictional one is speaking to us posthumously from “Cell 2607, Penance Penitentiary, Reckless-Wrecker-of-Lives Block, Pervert Purgatory,” from where, he tells us, he has spent the twenty-eight years since his death. In Widespread Panic Freddy narrates the decade of his life from the tail end of the 1940s to 1960. He extorts, intimidates, eavesdrops and scams his way to being the sleaze king of Hollywood (or “Hollyweird” as the book calls it). There is a lot of sleaze about. Were Marlon Brando (fellatio artiste extraordinaire), James Dean (a human ash tray), Orson Welles (bestiality addict), Natalie Wood (nymphomaniac), Elizabeth Taylor (Sapphic pill popper) and any number of other stars of the silver screen still alive, they would eat Ellroy for breakfast.

Confidential, in this account, reaches its tentacles into everything. Blackmail, erotic surveillance, transactional sex, violence as spectacle, McCarthyism and the Red Scare, the work of Confidential, the power of the studio system and the interests of the police all tangle in this narrative. There are superb depictions of A-bomb parties; debauched shindigs where the glitterati gather on the roofs of their Beverly Hills bungalows to drink and pop pills with distant nuclear tests standing in for fireworks.

The odd thing about Freddy is that, despite his casual propensity for fitting up scapegoats, plunging hands into deep fat fryers and cheerfully socking out citizens’ teeth by way of greeting, he is a romantic. He falls in love at the drop of a hat (and also falls into bed at the sight of one). Not that it does him much good.

Widespread Panic, like the pulpiest of pulp fiction early slasher trash novel Silent Terror, is a palate cleanser for Ellroy; something light and almost humorous, which hints when the Devil Dog reacquaints us with The Second LA Quartet, we’ll be heading to some dark corners of his mind.

Jokes are pretty thin on the ground in Excavate, although the assertion made in the preface by co-editors Bob Stanley and Tessa Norton that this book is not about a rock band. This is not even about Mark E Smith. The book is for Mark E Smith more than it is about him had me roaring with laughter. Smith would have hated this book which, after everything I’d read and learned about him post mortem, is a pretty good sign Excavate is worth reading, even if, like many Fall gigs and albums, it isn’t a case of enjoying it, but learning things or getting very angry indeed.

As a kind of vade mecum for readers both casual and obsessive, The Fall’s album covers are printed in chronological order from Live at the Witch Trials to New Facts Emerge. It’s fascinating to look at the early, good ones: Hex Enduction Hour with the scribbled annotations, the grotesque images on Perverted by Language and, well, the grotesque images on Grotesque. A chronological diary of events in the career of the Fall is also included, as well as typed and handwritten song lyrics and letters, flyers and posters and even Christmas cards that Smith sent to friends. Across 360 pages, Excavate‘s array of essays provide the brain food to the pictorial eye candy. It’s a lovely, lavish volume, half-way between a coffee table scrapbook and an über high-end fanzine, if you count Blast as a fanzine.

Like any fanzine, this means the contents are, effectively, a mixture of the compelling, the pretentious and the crap. The central theme, which I’m taking as the definitive line Stanley and Norton are pushing, is most clearly spelt out in Norton’s essay Paperback Shamanism, which contends that The Fall were the sum of an entire wide, messy web of influences and inputs, not unlike an alternative educational curriculum, each element of which can be isolated and considered. Hence fellow co-editor Bob Stanley discusses the value of amateurism, Paul Wilson looks at the world of the working men’s club, Owen Hatherley examines business management and Ian Penman celebrates the power of repetition, to make this point of view a compelling one. It has to be said though, some other bits are only minimally connected to the topic of The Fall.

Despite the lack of real relevance, several of these pieces are a good read on their own merits, like Elain Harwood’s history of Prestwich, and Manchester more generally, and Smith’s relationship with it. As someone who had zero interest in Smith’s literary tastes, Mark Sinker detailing the influence of Smith’s reading preferences on the band left me cold, as did the contributions by Michael Bracewell, Jon Wilde and Stuart Bertolotti-Bailey, on the subjects of MES and his hero Wyndham Lewis. Sian Pattenden’s micro memoir about the group’s poppier Brix Smith period is refreshingly light and also takes the spotlight away from Smith. This highlights one of the key shortcomings of a book supposedly not about Mark E Smith. There isn’t enough about the other members; Karl Burns and Craig Scanlon still need to tell their stories.  Few band members, even undoubtedly significant ones, merit much of a mention beyond the album credits. MES dominates here, as he tended to, right down to the inclusion of a couple of archive interviews.

The intention of Excavate to celebrate The Fall is unquestionably good. There’s a curious lack of variety and, perhaps most crucially, a lack of humour, always one of The Fall’s most overlooked qualities. You can argue that, when it’s at its most eccentric, baffling and challenging, Excavate is channelling the true spirit of The Fall. The best books on music are illuminating, insightful and inspiring, sending the reader back to the music in question with a fresh perspective and an injection of enthusiasm and Excavate does just that; read it from cover to cover to immerse yourself in the wonderful, frightening, wildly uneven and sadly curtailed world of The Fall.

I’m no longer a member of any lending library, but I do appreciate the loan of a good book and Tynemouth Cricket Club has good people who lend books out. I’m indebted to Di Brown for the chance to read the curiously affecting, slightly bitter and bathetic poetry cycle Man in the Long Grass by David Phillips. Despite the misfortune of being published by that notorious home to the pretentious and the preening, IRON Press, this is a genuinely affecting set of poems telling the story of a journeyman county cricketer’s final inglorious season of a less than stellar career. Struggling with the niggling injuries and disappearance of his talents that mark the signs of ageing in any cricketer, our anonymous hero also ponders over his recent divorce and what lies in store for his inevitable, imminent retirement. Thankfully, like a day’s play curtailed by rain, there’s neither a tragic nor romantic ending, just a kind of resigned acceptance of life ebbing away, as this is how things are and must be, providing the reader with an understanding of the essentially individual nature of any team game.

My thanks go to Brian Debnam who provided me with a chance to plug gaps in my ignorance about the evolution of pre-Industrial English rural and village life. Rather like E. P. Thompson’s The Making of the English Working Class, W. G. Hoskins draws a line in the sand beyond which his The Making of the English Landscape does not concern itself. For Thompson, the Great Reform Act of 1832 was his final curtain, while Hoskins calls time after the 1773 Inclosure Act, having examined the differing kinds of farming communities, hamlets and villages that prospered and died from the Iron age until the end of the three field system. Like Thompson, Hoskins adopts a hectoring, intolerant tone than comes across as comically furious, though from a somewhat more conservative (with or without a small c) perspective than Thompson’s. As someone whose only knowledge of landscape manipulation was via O Level History’s superficial peering at the Agrarian Revolution, I enjoyed this book, but can understand why rather more impersonal research tomes have become the go-to texts for undergraduates focussing on agronomic history in comparison to Hoskins, whose belligerence oft puts me in mind of Jimmy Edwards delivering a speech in Whacko!

MUSIC:

I await, with bated breath, Alex Rex’s next album, Paradise, and for my first gig since Alex Rex in Glasgow on February 1^st 2020, when the Band of Holy Joy will play at Tanners Bank in Shields on August 7^th. Before then there’s only been the 3 bits of vinyl I’ve been interested enough to buy since we last spoke. Things may have been different if the Dirty Three and Wire special editions for Record Store Day hadn’t been going for nigh on seventy quid, which I simply was not going to pay, or if the Bardo Pond releases had been available in Newcastle, as I didn’t see them anywhere. Instead I got myself the Mogwai soundtrack to the cult narco crime series Zero Zero Zero and the 40^th anniversary rerelease of Lonely Man by the Eric Bell Band on 10”.

Firstly, the latter release, which was something I remember at the time but didn’t get hold of. The former Thin Lizzy guitarist has worked with hundreds of ephemeral pick-up blues bands since Scott Gorham and Gary Moore took over his role, but none of them achieved much in terms of fame. You sense this is okay with Eric as, obviously, his main musical love is playing live blues with extended jam sessions de rigeur. As such, Lonely Man and the other takes on this 5-tracker are somehow instantly recognisable as being of the Six Counties, making a great companion piece to Right Way Home by the Xdreamysts for instance. How do you describe the sound? Van Morrison jamming with The Clash’s 1978 vintage perhaps. Musically, it’s great, though the lyrics are clearly of another era. I’m glad I bought it.

That sentiment goes for the Mogwai album as well. I’m not necessarily a great fan of soundtracks. Yo La Tengo are one of my top 10 bands, but I’ve not bothered to collect any of their film work; same with British Sea Power. However, as Mogwai are skilled practitioners of short, atmospheric instrumental pieces (not songs as such), I thought I’d give this stylish looking double 12” a go and it’s great. I mean it’s not a work of clear and obvious genius like this year’s As the Love Continues so clearly is, but it’s not just a load of whimsical incidental doodling either. Unfortunately, I’ve not seen the television series, so I can’t comment on how appropriate these sounds are to the moving images. What I can say for certain is that I’m much more amenable to the idea of picking up Mogwai soundtracks in the future than I was before I purchased Zero Zero Zero. 

Finally, I have to admit I’m a sucker for one hit wonder instrumentals; Hoots Mon by Lord Rockingham’s XI, Pepper Box by The Peppers and Telstar by The Tornadoes to name but a few. Another one I particularly like is Footsee by Wigan’s Chosen Few, mainly because the preposterous Stuart Maconie described it as an “execrable novelty” in one of his autohagiographies. I managed to track a copy of this one down via my Twitter pal Sam, who was about to stick it on Discogs. Luckily I dissuaded her and I’m now very glad to have a copy of it in my collection.  Saxophones, car horns, whistles and football style chanting combine to make this a glorious slice of throwaway trash,

Bigmouth Scribes Again

 Here we go; another 6 weeks in the life of Tynemouth Cricket Club -:

June 13^th:

It was another busy week at Tynemouth Cricket Club, with 8 games played during this period, stretching the club’s playing resources to the maximum. With work and family commitments to be considered, it really is commendable that both James Carr and Rashid “The Power” Hassan represented various TCC teams in 4 games each during the week just ended. Particular praise must go to Rashid, as he represented the Firsts, Thirds, Midweek Social XI and will assist the Seconds on Monday 14^th in a rearranged James Bell Cup game. Indeed, if he’d been asked, I’m sure the Sunday Third team could also have called upon his services. We should applaud both players for their dedication to the cause of Tynemouth CC.

The First XI began their week with a Tyneside Charity Bowl first round tie at home to Backworth on Tuesday night. Forced to field an inexperienced, if not experimental, team, Tynemouth were still able to perform with the requisite skill to advance to the second round. Batting first, Backworth accrued 108-5 from their 18 overs, with Sam Robson’s 2-20 and an impressive 1-3 from 3 overs by Adam Williams being the pick of the bowlers. In reply, Tynemouth achieved the win with an over to spare, mainly because of an unbeaten 34 by Mohammad Saad, ably assisted by Joe Snowdon’s fighting 27. Sadly the club’s interest in this year’s NEPL T20 competition came to an end with a comprehensive loss away to Lanchester, where the team selected would be better described as avant garde than experimental. A seemingly solid 148-5, built on the firm foundations of an opening partnership of 86 by Saad (43) and Ben Debnam (38), was chased down in 13.3 overs by an attacking Lanchester side, who lost only 2 wickets in the process.

On Saturday, Hetton Lyons came to Preston Avenue for the only fixture between the two teams in 2021, as the away leg was washed out in May. Batting first, the visitors posted an imposing 253-7, with Jarvis Clay taking top billing with a flawless 101 and Gary Scott also impressing with a pugnacious 76. The total could have been far higher, but for a dogged performance by David Mansfield, who reeled in the big hitting visitors when claiming 5-51 from 12 overs, aided by a pair of excellent catches by Stuart Poynter out in the deep. Tynemouth’s reply was not without highlights of its own; Ben McGee top scoring with an effortless, elegant 76, with lusty blows aplenty from Poynter and skipper Matty Brown, who both posted 53. However, any pretence of a run chase was put on ice just before tea when Saad was given out caught behind for 15, with the last overs dedicated to protecting the draw as Tynemouth closed on 215-6, to claim 10 points to Hetton’s 13.

The 2s had a similar result away to Ashington. Having been set 251 in 53 overs, following tidy spells by Neil Bennett (3-37) and Adam Williams (3-51), Tynemouth eventually ended on 199-8, with Chris Fairley (75) continuing to display excellent form with the bat, Richie Straughan chipping in with 42 and Matty Walton keeping the innings on course with an unbeaten 24.

Probably the most exciting game on Saturday saw the 3s dismiss Lintz 2s for 207, with Richie Hay (5-31) and Dan Storey (3-49) doing the damage. However, the reply was not all plain sailing, with the eventual margin of victory a meagre 2 wickets, though with 7 overs to spare. Finn Hodgson posted 51 and “The Power” thrashed a speedy 41, but it was Adam Tugby’s unbeaten 32 that saw the team collect another victory to remain top of NTCL Division 5 South.

Finally, the Midweek Social XI remain the only team in the club with a 100% winning record, after a pair of back to back victories over a superbly sporting Seaton Burn team. On Tuesday, Tynemouth batted first in the quarter final of the Ian Appleby Cup. Steven Mitchinson (30) and Matty Walton (29) gave the innings a solid start, before Freya Rook blitzed the middle order with a superb 3-15, including an elegant off cutter that utterly deceived the bespectacled James Carr. Neil “Cuddles” Sturrock came to the team’s assistance with a stylish unbeaten 33 that included two glorious maximums off the bowling of young Freya, taking the score to 133-7.  In response, Seaton Burn managed 101-6, with skipper Dan Storey standing out with a fine 3-21.

On Thursday, Seaton Burn played hosts. Batting first, they were restricted to 76-9, with Storey (3-8) again excelling and “Cuddles” chipping in with 2-10. The modest total seemed near insurmountable when the batting collapsed to 28-5, but Storey and Sturrock, both with unbeaten 22s, saw their side home with 6 overs to spare.

In the week ahead, the First XI host Percy Main in the Tyneside Charity Bowl on Wednesday and Blaydon in their final NEPL 1^st XI T20 group game, before travelling to Denton Bank for a league game against Benwell Hill on Saturday. The 2s go to Washington on Monday for a James Bell Cup game, and then host Benwell Hill at noon on Saturday. The Saturday 3s await news of their opponents in the Tom Barlow Cup but will definitely host Annfield Plain 2s on Saturday. The Sunday 3s are inactive and the Midweek Social XI make the journey to Riding Mill on Thursday evening.

June 20^th:

The continued threat posed by COVID was brought home this week by the effect of positive tests and the need for those who are asymptomatic to self-isolate on all teams at Tynemouth Cricket Club, from the first team to the Midweek Social XI. However, the rigorous adherence to protocols relating to test and trace allowed the club to put out three teams on Saturday, which is something to be proud of in such challenging times.

Tynemouth First XI began their busy week on Wednesday with a 37 run victory over Percy Main at Preston Avenue. Batting first, Tynemouth got off to a solid start, with opener Joe Snowdon scoring a brisk 34 before Mohammad Saad’s savage unbeaten 79 helped the home side post an intimidating 163-4 from their 20 overs. In reply, Percy Main were always in with a shout while opener Laurie Robson was at the crease. Once he departed for 68, the chase become unfeasible and the Main ended on 126-7, with the elegant James Carr (2-18) and Neil Bennett (2-19) the pick of the bowlers.

For their final T20 Group B game of 2021, Tynemouth played host to Blaydon on Friday night. Blaydon posted 104-7 from their 20 overs, a total that was never going to be enough, especially with Mohammad Saad at his sparking best. His unbeaten 64, including two massive sixes that clattered off the ridge tiles of adjacent properties on West Dene Drive, saw Tynemouth home with 8 overs to spare, for a 7 wicket victory.

Saturday saw Tynemouth make the journey to Denton Bank for an NEPL encounter. Having won the toss, Benwell Hill opted to bat first on what proved to be an intriguing combination of a challenging wicket and a lightning fast outfield. The Hill’s total of 197 all out was founded upon a determined, solid 88 from opener Phil Nicholson, who was last man out at the end of the 57^th over. Tynemouth’s bowling options were severely curtailed early in the Hill innings when Dan McGee, in cutting off what had seemed a certain boundary, injured his hamstring. While he was able to hobble through the remainder of Tynemouth’s time in the field, he was unable to bowl. Instead, the other bowlers stepped up and bowled their full allocations. Full marks go to Mohammad Saad for a truly superb 5-30 from 15 overs, including possibly the ball of the season to dismiss Benwell Hill and Scotland skipper Kyle Coetzer for 2, with an unplayable delivery that took out his off stump. David Mansfield (3-40) and Sean Longstaff (2-51) played their part as well, with special praise also for Andrew Smith who bowled his full spell unchanged from the Crematorium End, without a scrap of luck as regular edges flew through the slip cordon and raced to the boundary.

At the halfway stage, a target of 198 from 53 overs seemed perfectly attainable. However, the balance of probability shifted swiftly when Barry Stewart (27) was fourth wicket down, with only 32 on the board. The loss of the dangerous Saad without scoring had set alarm bells off in the away changing room and, with 44 overs to go, a dogged rearguard was the only option, especially with doubts about Dan McGee’s ability to bat. Wickets fell regularly and when Andrew Smith had his stumps reduced to splinters by a lightning fast Callum Harding delivery, leaving Tynemouth 89-6, things looked bleak. Harding returned figures of 4-34, but when he removed Josh Koen, with the score on 109-8 and 15 overs remaining, the prospect of seemingly certain defeat was rebuffed as skipper Matty Brown (65*) and Sean Longstaff (21*) dug in, obdurately refusing to give their wickets away. Fighting successfully against both of their natural instincts to hit out, they defended doggedly against everything The Hill could muster, securing a draw as Tynemouth finished on 151-8. It was a praiseworthy and encouraging performance from the whole team, proving that drawn games can be absorbing as win - loss ones.

Tynemouth 2s had a difficult week. On Monday, they were forced to concede their James Bell Cup away game against Washington because of the requirement for many players to self-isolate because of COVID regulations. Saturday’s home game against Benwell Hill 2s provided little succour, as they lost by 103 runs. Benwell Hill batted first, posting 209-7, with Chris Beever (3-21) the pick of the bowlers. The reply was a disappointing 106 all out, with only James Carr offering sustained resistance, with an elegant 35.

Better news came courtesy of the Saturday 3s, whose 6 wicket victory over Annfield Plain 2s, keeps them clear at the top of NTCL Division 5 South. The visitors won the toss and batted first, only to come up against excellent bowling from Matty Walton (3-21), Joel Hull-Denholm (2-24) and Graeme Hallam (2-28) whose endeavours restricted them to 142-7 from their 40 overs. In reply, club chairman Hallam (56*) took the game decisively away from Annfield Plain, assisted by Hull-Denholm (28*) as the total required was achieved after 33 overs for the loss of 4 wickets. The Sunday 3s were without a game and the Midweek Social XI were desperately unlucky to surrender their 100% winning record when conceding their away game to Riding Mill because of COVID protocols.

The coming week promises to be no less busy than the one just ended. Tynemouth CC First XI host Percy Main again on Tuesday evening in the Smithson Cup, before the daunting prospect of a visit to South Northumberland next Saturday. The 2s will host South North on Saturday, but also have an away game at Whitburn on Friday night in the Roseworth Trophy. The Saturday 3s host Morpeth 2s in the Tom Barlow Cup on Wednesday and then Newcastle 3s on Saturday, while the Sunday 3s visit Gateshead Fell. Finally, it is a crucial period for the Midweek Social XI, who visit Percy Main on Monday in the semi-final of the Ian Appleby Cup and play host to table-topping Benwell and Walbottle on Thursday.

 June 27^th:

Saturday 26^th June saw another set of games washed out for Tynemouth CC’s three teams on a day of continuous drizzle. Thankfully, the whole week’s play was not lost, with several cup games taking place in the days leading up to the weekend, though mention must immediately be made of Robbie Bowman’s sparkling 172 for Northumberland Under 13s in their victory over their Yorkshire counterparts at Benwell Hill. Even more impressive, Robbie’s runs came from only 80 balls and included 26 boundaries and 7 maximums, with a catch behind the stumps in the Yorkshire innings as a bonus.

Another batsman in fine form this week was club professional Muhammad Saad who struck an unbeaten 108 from 64 balls, including 10 fours and 5 sixes, as Tynemouth’s first XI continued their impressive run in knock-out games with a 9-wicket win over Percy Main in the quarter final of the Smithson Trophy.  Batting first, The Main posted an impressive 151 from their 20 overs, with the highlight being an unbeaten 86 by Philip Cramman. In reply, opener Saad took the game by the throat from the off, ably assisted by the two Bens, Debnam (19) and McGee (24*), ensuring Tynemouth won with 3 overs to spare.

Tynemouth 2s were due to play Whitburn away in the Roseworth Trophy on Friday night, but the game was called off because of wet weather. The Saturday 3s did play on Wednesday but lost by 8 wickets to Morpeth 2s in the Tom Barlow Cup. Despite a battling 28 by Joel Hull-Denholm, Tynemouth could only accrue 85-6 from their 18 overs, which the visitors overhauled in only 9.3 overs.

The Sunday 3s benefitted from clement weather, travelling to Gateshead Fell. Batting first, Patrick Hallam’s 45 and Robbie Bowman’s 32 helped Tynemouth set a competitive target, ending the innings on 145-6. In reply, Gateshead Fell reached the required total after 38 overs, 7 wickets down, just shading a tight game that was in the balance until the very end.

Finally, the Midweek Social XI were twice frustrated in the week past, once by the opposition and once by the weather. On Monday, Percy Main hosted Tynemouth in the semi-final of the Ian Appleby Cup. Batting first, a large total seemed on the cards with the visitors reached 70-1 at the halfway stage, but despite a patient 39 by Jack O’Keefe and a flamboyant 38 by Neil “Cuddles” Sturrock, a disappointing final total of 122-6 from 18 overs didn’t seem enough. So it proved; The Main winning with 2 overs to spare for the loss of only 3 wickets.

Thursday proved a much tighter affair when table-topping Benwell and Walbottle came to Preston Avenue. Continuing his rich vein of form, Sturrock contributed an unhurried 51, but was eclipsed by Rashid “The Power” Hassan who started slowly and finished explosively, holing out for 63. Tynemouth’s total of 155-5 seemed a modest one as the visitors raced to 98-0, despite the incessant drizzle. However, a change of bowling saw The Power take control of proceedings with 3-16, as Benwell subsided to 101-4. At this point, with 56 needed from a shade over 5 overs and ian cusack (1-3) menacing the cowering Benwell batsmen with his trademark hostility, the rain turned torrential, and no further play was possible.

Next week, Tynemouth first team are at home to Burnopfield, while the 2s face a trip to Gateshead Fell and the 3s are away to Consett 2s. The Sunday 3s entertain South Northumberland Academy and the Midweek Social XI go to Ashington Rugby on Thursday evening. Also, we’d like to wish all the very best of luck to 3 young Tynemouth players, Patrick Hallam, Joe Snowdon and Dan Thorburn who will be playing for Northumberland Under 18s versus Durham at Sunderland’s Ashbrooke on Tuesday.

July 4^th:

Despite severe interruptions for rain delays, all four of Tynemouth CC’s weekend teams acquitted themselves admirably, with some sparkling batting performances to be celebrated. Most deserving of plaudits was Niall Piper, who opened for the 2s away to Gateshead Fell and carried his bat for a glorious unbeaten 122, though there were other superb performances that will be discussed later.

Tynemouth first XI, and especially bowler Andrew Smith, had a dream start at home to Burnopfield, with an opening double wicket maiden. From the first ball of the game, Joe Snowdon stooped low to hold on to an edge from Matthew Oswell. Two balls later, Smith caught and bowled Patrick Cooper from the batsman’s tentative prod. With the away side yet to register a run, Muhammad Saad had Ben Robinson caught behind by skipper Matty Brown in the 4^th over, leaving the away side 0-3 and Tynemouth with their first bowling point by 11.15.  Full credit to Burnopfield, they recovered from this early series of shocks to progress to 82, when Neil Bennett had John Oswell caught by David Mansfield for a belligerent 48. The batsman was mortified by the stroke he’d played and had further time to reflect on it when the first rain shower of the day saw the teams take an early lunch with Burnopfield on 95-4.

After the break, Burnopfield progressed to 123, when Saad claimed his second wicket and Tynemouth’s second bowling point with another caught and bowled, diving forward to pouch Mitchell Killeen for 40. Soon after, another rain interval took the teams off for over 2 hours, meaning the game was reduced to 74 overs. Burnopfield compiled 169-5 from their allocation of 40, with the brutal and elegant Jacques Du Toit posting an unbeaten 57, replete with his trademark combination of stylish strokes and ferocious attacking.

Tynemouth needed to score at exactly 5 an over to win the game, with seemed a tough ask in such climactic circumstances. Indeed, the 144 required for a winning draw was almost as exacting a proposition, especially when the early dismissals of Ben Debnam and Saad left Tynemouth wobbling at 9-2. However, skipper Matty Brown has been in great nick of late and his unbeaten 70 was pivotal to the team’s success, though Ben McGee’s fluent and composed 67, in the context of a 128 run partnership for the third wicket, was of equal importance in the Tynemouth cause. Certainly, one would have willingly paid a penny for visiting captain Du Toit’s thoughts when McGee dispatched him into the pavilion for an enormous leg-side 6 and then followed it up with a beautifully timed 4, as Tynemouth closed in on victory. Following McGee’s dismissal, David Mansfield came to the crease and bludgeoned a rapid 15* that included a cracking boundary for the winning runs, as Tynemouth prevailed by an impressive 7 wickets with a mere 3 balls to spare.

Tynemouth 2s travelled to table-topping Gateshead Fell, where less severe weather meant a 90 over game was possible. Being asked to bat first, Tynemouth’s 243-5 from their 45 overs was based upon Piper’s superb century, though support was to be found from Sam Robson’s 62* and Andrew Lineham’s 33. The latter’s run out, having succeeded in tripping over his own bat, has become a viral internet sensation, thanks to Gateshead Fell’s live streaming of the game. In reply, Gateshead Fell managed 224-8, giving the away side a winning draw. Wickets were claimed by Richie Hay, with a determined 9-2-25-2 and Ricky Handa’s 7-0-41-3. It was an excellent display and the home side will feel relieved to have avoided defeat to an ebullient Tynemouth team.

The Saturday 3s were up in the hills to play Consett 2s, where downpours resulted in a curtailed contest of 20 overs a side. Tynemouth batted first, scoring 159-5, which proved sufficient as Consett closed on 145-7. The result means Tynemouth Saturday 3s remain top of NTCL Division 5 South, 18 points ahead of Greenside.

The Sunday 3s hosted South North Academy and pulled off an impressive win by 44 runs. Batting first, Tynemouth finished their 40 overs on 236-8. Incessant rain ended any hopes of a full game with South North on 81-2 from 21.2 overs, meaning the Duckworth Lewis Method favoured the home side, as South North needed to have scored 126 for victory when play was suspended.

Next week, Tynemouth first XI have an away semi-final in the Tyneside Charity Bowl to Annfield Plain. The game is currently scheduled for Wednesday, but the game may be moved due to another sporting event taking place that night. What is certain is that they are away to Eppleton next Saturday. The 2s have their NEPL 2^nd XI T20 quarter final at Hetton Lyons on Friday night, before hosting Boldon on the Saturday. The Saturday 3s have a titanic clash away to Greenside, with a place at the top of NTCL Division 5 South at stake, while the Sunday 3s host Blaydon.

 July 11^th:

It has been a slightly surreal week for Tynemouth Cricket Club. At 9.00 on Monday morning, Andrew Linehan became an internet sensation when footage of his unfortunate dismissal against Gateshead Fell went viral after The Cricketer retweeted it. Indeed, Liners was only shunted off the cyber sports pages by trivialities such as Jimmy Anderson claiming his 1,000^th wicket and the entire England ODI squad going into Covid isolation. One piece of news that must be reported is George, son of Tynemouth stalwart Barry Stewart, claiming his first wicket for the county, as Northumberland Under 11s saw off their Yorkshire counterparts at Pateley Bridge CC. Well done, young man!!

Sadly, George’s adult clubmates were unable to replicate his success, with the exception of an astonishing Sunday 3s fixture that saw Tynemouth dismiss visitors Blaydon for 26, with Ricky Handa claiming 5 wickets and Sean Aditjandra chipping in with 3 victims. The home side won by 9 wickets, with a shade over 36 overs to spare.

On Saturday, Tynemouth CC first XI journeyed to Church Road, Eppleton and, in a game of two distinct climactic experiences, roughly contiguous to the separate innings, lost by 5 wickets. It was a toss worth winning on a morning so cloying and steamy that it would have served as the ideal setting for a Tennessee Williams play and with a pitch of so green a hue that Sean O’Casey could have poetically eulogised about it; sadly, Matt Brown called wrong and so Tynemouth were asked to bat first. Continuing the dramatic theme, Jack McBeth inflicted a 6 act tragedy on the visitors, claiming half a dozen victims from 13.3 overs and outshining Eppleton professional Sadaf Hussain (2 for 37 from a full 15 overs).

Batting was almost impossible on an uncomfortably sticky morning, under a thick blanket of heavy, grey clouds, with the ball giving assistance to bowlers in almost every over. Indeed, the only reason Tynemouth made as many as the paltry 156 they did was down to extras top scoring with 38, though Muhammad Saad’s 30, the skipper’s 21 and Andrew Smith’s belligerent 19 were of vital importance. The real turning point was the dismissal of David Mansfield courtesy of a stunning catch above his head by Kyle Davis as the final 4 Tynemouth wickets contributed a mere 6, as the tail wagged like the invisible appendage of a decidedly slothful Manx moggy.

It could be argued that, had the clouds not dissipated and the sun not borne down as ferociously as it did, 156 could have been enough. Sadly, the benign conditions dried the demons from the pitch, hastened the outfield appreciably and left the ever willing Tynemouth attack frustrated on a broiling afternoon. Having tenaciously dismissed half the Eppleton team, the pivotal moment was Ryan Downes surviving sustained appeals for unsporting behaviour as Tynemouth attempted to run him out. That would have left Eppleton 6 down with 25 still needed; as it was, the home batsmen completed the win in an untroubled fashion with over 30 overs to spare.

The 2s were in action on Friday night in an NEPL 2^nd XI T20 quarter final away to Hetton Lyons, who proved too strong on the night. Having made 128-8, with Chris Beever (3-23) and Sam Robson (2-33) bowling with great credit, Hetton dismissed Tynemouth for 85. After Niall Piper (23) and Rachid “The Power” Hassan (16), only Patrick Hallam (13*) made double figures as the home side prevailed by 42 runs. On Saturday, the 2s were left without a game as Boldon 2s were unable to fulfil the fixture because of Covid guidelines.

Tynemouth Saturday 3s have surrendered their position at the summit of the NTCL Division 5 South table, having lost heavily to their nearest rivals Greenside, who are now 5 points ahead. Having won the toss and inserted the hosts, Tynemouth saw Greenside amass 197-9 in their 40 overs. Hamish Swaddle-Scott (4-51) was the pick of the bowlers, with the target not seen to be insurmountable at the halfway stage. Unfortunately, Tynemouth were dismissed for 100 exactly, with only Matty Walton (36) showing real resistance. It is only the Saturday 3s second loss of the season, so there are assuredly enough strong characters in the team to bounce back from this setback.

Next week, is a busy one. On Monday 12^th, Tynemouth 2s travel to Whitburn in a James Bell Cup game. On Wednesday the first XI are away to Annfield Plain in a rearranged Tyneside Charity Bowl semi-final, while the Sunday 3s host South North in a Banks Cup tie. Thursday sees the Midweek Social XI take on Newcastle City. On Saturday, the 1s host Sacriston while the 2s make the reverse journey. However, these games are subject to confirmation that Sacriston are clear of Covid. The Saturday 3s host Benwell and Walbottle 2s, while the Sunday 3s are away to Newcastle Academy.

July 18^th:

If one were to take a straw poll among the players, members, and supporters of Tynemouth Cricket Club as to who has gone above and beyond the level of dedication expected this year, then the unanimous response would be Rashid “The Power” Hassan. In his first season with the club, Rashid has made himself available at every possible opportunity, meaning he has turned out for the 1s, 2s, Saturday 3s, Sunday 3s and Midweek sides, giving him a clean sweep of all adult teams. Undoubtedly, this is a fantastic achievement. This weekend, his commitment was rewarded with a maiden century for Tynemouth, when The Power lustily smote 117 (treble 20, single 17, double top) for the Saturday 3s as they crushed visitors Benwell and Walbottle 2s by 143 runs on the hottest day of the year. Well done, Rashid; you are an inspiration to us all!!

Tynemouth 1s had an unexpected free midweek, progressing to the semi-final of the Tyneside Charity Bowl when opponents Annfield Plain conceded because of rampant COVID cases among their squad and community. As a result, Tynemouth will have a semi-final away to either Shotley Bridge or Morpeth on Wednesday 21^st. The fixture will be announced on social media when the opponents are known.

On Saturday, the first XI bounced back from defeat at Eppleton the week before to comprehensively outclass a young and inexperienced Sacriston side. However, it must be noted that Tynemouth themselves were far from at full strength; skipper Matty Brown was observing COVID self-isolation protocols, requiring Ben Debnam to assume the captaincy and Chris Fairley to take up residency behind the stumps, while David Mansfield is hors de combat for the rest of the season with a broken hand and neither of the Durham players, Mike Jones or Stuart Poynter, were available for selection. One first team regular who was available was Stakhanovite medium pacer Andrew Smith and his meritorious 12-2-44-5 was the main reason Sacriston were contained to a manageable 168 all out from 42 overs. While the team were grateful to Smith for his efforts, the bowler must pay tribute to his comrades; Muhammad Saad’s stunning diving catch to dismiss Martin Hubber was a sublime example of slip fielding brilliance. Saad himself bowled with his trademark accuracy and penetration, returning figures of 15-4-47-3, while Neil Bennett continued his fine run of form in the first team, posting 2-28 from 8 overs. For Sacriston, Ross Whitfield scored a composed and unhurried 68, full of technically fluent strokes, but received little meaningful support, other than Dan Thexton’s pugnacious 48.

The reply was never exactly a cakewalk, as the early departure of Ben Debnam showed, but in the main the Tynemouth’s batting was always in the ascendancy. Niall Piper, promoted from the 2s, opened and made an attacking 39 before being bowled after essaying a rather too aggressive heave, with the score on 53. The experienced duo of Saad and Barry Stewart added a further 50 runs, in almost serene fashion, before Stewart was bowled, also for 39. Saad reached his half century before feathering a catch to keeper Thexton with the score on 151. From that moment on, Josh Koen (23*) and Chris Fairley (5*) saw Tynemouth home without further mishap for a full haul of 30 points.

Tynemouth 2s made the reverse journey to Sacriston and came away with an impressive win, by a margin of 4 wickets. Batting first, the home side made rapid early progress, but the young Tynemouth side showed determination; none more so than Joel Hull-Denholm who made the breakthrough with 78 on the board. Sacriston continued to play shots, while Tynemouth regularly pegged them back, with Adam Williams doing his best by posting 3-50 from 12 overs. At 185-5 the game was finely balanced, until Patrick Hallam (3-14) and Ricky Handa (2-36) helped dismiss Sacriston for 208 from 48 overs.

In reply, the four young lions of Tynemouth’s budding golden generation: Hamish Swaddle-Scott (47), Dan Thorburn (33), Joe Snowdon (27) and Patrick Hallam (20) all made vital runs, but with 40 required, it was the Last of the Summer Wine who saw Tynemouth home. Andrew Lineham (29*) and Graeme Hallam (27*) used their wisdom and experience to secure the victory.

As already mentioned, the Saturday 3s had The Power’s century as the centrepiece of an imposing 225-5 against Benwell & Walbottle 2s, ably supported by Chris Grievson with 35. In response, the visitors were never in the chase and subsided to 81 all out with Ed Snelders (3-12) and Ray Ban attired acting captain Dan “Roy Orbison” Storey (2-11), deputising for the hamstrung Richie Hay, mopping up the tail, after Sean Aditjandra (2-13) had contributed another impressive spell. News of Greenside’s defeat meant Tynemouth 3s return to the summit of NTCL Division 5 South. It was also encouraging to see Andrew Davison returning from a broken arm, with a steady 10* and an economical spell with the ball.

On Thursday, the Midweek Social XI ended their recent enforced hiatus and defeated Newcastle City by 18 runs in a competitive and compelling encounter. Batting first, Tynemouth amassed 129-7 in 18 overs, with Sam Robson and that man The Power top scoring with 37 each. Batting in the last few overs, skipper Dan Storey made an important unbeaten 19, including 3 boundaries, that effectively was the difference between the two sides. The eternally elegant James Carr, resplendent in shades like a sultry Milanese paninaro in a widescreen Michelangelo Antonioni feature, shrugged off his 0 with the bat and 5 wides from his first delivery, to return figures of 5-15 and effectively win the game for Tynemouth. His final victim, Archie McNaughton, reinforced Carr’s reputation as il martello degli scozzesi. With 3 games still to go, the unbeaten Midweek XI are still realistic contenders for the title.

Next week, as already mentioned, the first XI will travel to either Shotley Bridge or Morpeth on Wednesday for a Tyneside Charity Bowl semi-final. When opponents are finalised, details will be posted on Tynemouth Cricket Club twitter (@TynemouthCC). On Thursday, the second team are away to Whitburn in the Roseworth Trophy, while the Midweek XI travel to Churchill to play Monkseaton.  On Friday, the 1s visit Newcastle for their Smithson Cup semi-final. As regards league cricket, the first XI host Whitburn on Saturday, while the 2s make the reverse journey and the Saturday 3s visit Leadgate 2s. Finally, the Sunday 3s face off against Benwell Hill at Denton Bank.

 July 25^th:

Tynemouth 1s, severely weakened by injury and illness, endured a difficult few days that comprised 3 losses, including 2 semi-finals and a home defeat to the team bottom of the table at the start of play. First up, Tynemouth travelled to Morpeth on Wednesday for a Tyneside Charity Bowl meeting with Morpeth. Batting first, TCC reached 98-7 from their 18 overs. Opener and stand-in skipper Ben Debnam top scored with 30 and received solid support from Barry Stewart (21), though none of the other batsmen really got going. In reply, Morpeth reached their target, 4 wickets down and with 2 overs to spare.

On Friday, Newcastle were the hosts as Tynemouth visited Osborne Avenue for a Smithson Cup semi-final. Again Tynemouth batted first, this time amassing 104-8, which did not appear to be enough, despite some late, lusty blows by Graeme Hallam. This certainly seemed the case as Newcastle raced to 79-1. However Dan McGee took his second wicket with a smart caught and bowled, while Ricky Handa produced a magical couple of overs in which he took 3 wickets, leaving Newcastle tottering at 84-5. Unfortunately that proved to be the high spot of the evening and Newcastle won the game without further mishap.

If the two cup defeats had been predicted because of the weakened sides Tynemouth had been forced to field, then it was certainly the case that the return of skipper Matty Brown from a period of COVID isolation gave grounds for optimism when Whitburn arrived at Preston Avenue. Positivity was soon in short supply after Kieran Waterson dismissed Ben McGee and Barry Stewart in consecutive balls in the opening over, leaving Tynemouth 0-2 and scratching their head over the wisdom of batting first, having won the toss. Skipper Brown then came to the crease to partner Debnam and the two of them took the score to 96, at which point Brown perished at first slip the ball after he had completed a fluent half century. Ben Debnam (68) then took centre stage, helping Tynemouth to a competitive total. At the end of the innings, Sam Robson showed great counter attacking intent in contributing a fighting 30. When he was out, with the score at 185, Brown declared 9 wickets down, leaving Whitburn 57 overs to score 186.

After Owen Gourley had Lee Henderson dismissed, caught behind by Chris Fairley, without scoring, it looked like a tight contest was in the offing. Unfortunately, Tynemouth’s already lightweight attack was further denuded by Dan McGee limping off with a recurrence of his troublesome hamstring injury, after only bowling a single over. Sam Robson stood up and made a solid contribution as the team’s spin option, dismissing Adam May caught and bowled. Unfortunately, May had made 67 and Whitburn were 120 when the second wicket went down. Robson took another wicket, when Andrew Smith caught Ross Richardson (25), with the score on 163. Opener Paul Shields (68*) then took charge, leaving Tynemouth in fifth place in the NEPL table. The scorecard may be accessed here: https://tynemouth.play-cricket.com/website/results/4603749

Tynemouth 2s enjoyed contrasting fortunes in two away fixtures against their Whitburn counterparts in the week just finished. Firstly, on Thursday, an oft postponed James Bell Cup game ended in a solid win for the visitors, who posted 159 and came home by 8 runs after an exciting  chase. Unfortunately, the wicket for Saturday’s league game did not prove as congenial for Tynemouth, who subsided to 69 all out in 23 overs, with Andrew Lineham (20) top scoring. Whitburn’s Elliott “Hitman” Hearn weighed in with a knockout 7-34 to leave the visitors on the canvas. The home side knocked off the runs in only 9.5 overs, with Graeme Hallam’s 2-17 the best of the bowling, resulting in Tynemouth remaining in 8^th place in the NEPL Saturday Division 2. The scorecard may be accessed here: https://tynemouth.play-cricket.com/website/results/4604863

The Saturday 3s remain at the top of NTCL Division 5 South, nicely setting up their top of the table home clash with GEMS 2s next Saturday, after beating Leadgate 2s by 7 wickets. The home team batted first and were dismissed for 122, with Tynemouth reaching the target with 3 wickets down from 13 overs. Disappointingly, the Midweek Social XI conceded their third successive away game, because of a lack of players prepared to journey to far distant Monkseaton and face opponents winless in 2 years.

Next week, the 2s are away to Newcastle 2s in a James Bell Cup quarter final on Tuesday, while the Midweek Social XI welcome Benwell & Walbottle for their last home game of the season. On Saturday, Tynemouth CC first XI visit Burnmoor in a reverse of the opening day fixture that we lost by 3 runs, while the 2s host Sunderland. As already mentioned, the table topping Saturday 3s have a compelling clash with their nearest rivals GEMS 2^nd XI, while the Sunday 3s host Gateshead Fell.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

30 Days of Hope

 Euro 2020; when England stopped being toxic...

Euro 2020 began, as all major tournaments do, with me feigning a studied disinterest in the whole thing, and ended with me attempting to mollify a 17-year-old lad who, drunk, frustrated and oscillating between tears of anger and despair, was weaving across the Tynemouth to North Shields road, oblivious to the danger passing cars posed him. In the same way as I hugged a heartbroken 12-year-old Ben when Ronaldo had shithoused England out of the 2006 World Cup, all I could offer were my profound condolences, laced with the pitiful caveat that there was nothing I could do or say that would take away the hurt of football failing to come home. And yet, 15 years later, I was able to share that pain as a supporter, rather than viewing the whole circus surrounding the England national team with contempt and cynicism, because there is no longer a circus surrounding the team.  Euro 2020 was a hell of an interesting journey and I’d like to share my rollercoaster ride with you now.

Friday 11 June; Italy 3 Turkey 0

Despite obvious sign in the ordinary world that tournament frenzy was building, as could be discerned by the amount of flags fluttering from car aerials and box room windows, I didn’t get to see this one live, as Laura was keen to watch Tyrone’s descent into madness on Coronation Street. Instead I busied myself by writing an article about my favourite Wedding Present song, Boo Boo, and then caught the late night highlights. In retrospect, this was the best team and eventual winners throwing down a marker by eviscerating the side that noted football journalist Lousie Taylor had prophesised would reach the final.

Saturday 12 June; Switzerland 1 Wales 1, Denmark 0 Finland 1 & Belgium 3 Russia 0

Surprisingly for a Saturday, I was up nice and early, mainly to get into town for Record Store Day, where I was lucky enough to secure Lonely Man by the Eric Bell Band and Zero Zero Zero by Mogwai. From there, I went to the cricket between Tynemouth and Hetton Lyons; a damn fine contest in which we held on for a draw, courtesy of a fluent knock by Ben McGee. I did see Switzerland take the lead, popping into the pavilion for a quick comfort break between innings, but was more than baffled to see Kevin Mbabu playing international football as he didn’t even kick a ball during his entire time with NUFC.

So enthralling was the cricket that the entire Denmark against Finland game passed me by. This meant I only caught up on the dreadful incident involving Christian Eriksen after the game was over, which meant I didn’t see whole spectacle unfold; needless to say, I’m glad he is still with us and that Denmark went on to have such a good tournament, after this awful incident. I did see my first game of the tournament between Belgium and Russia and, somewhat predictably, Les Diables Rouges looked quick, inventive and full of creativity as they tore apart a woeful Russian side. Of course, in the context of earlier events, the game was rendered almost meaningless. In retrospect, whatever the rulebook says, Denmark against Finland should have been abandoned as a goalless draw, to show some dignity and respect.

Sunday 13 June; Croatia 0 England 1, Austria 3 North Macedonia 1, Holland 3 Ukraine 2

By the time I got off the Metro at West Jesmond on Sunday morning, the place was heaving with posh student wankers in an array of replica shirts, already out on the gargle. It was a scene replicated at County Club by 11.00am where Northumberland were taking on Cheshire in a 50-over group game, while swathes of young bourgeois cunts horsed down multiple jugs of Pimms, raucously attempting to turn Osborne Avenue  an approximation of the Hollies Stand with an RP accent. Thankfully they’d all disappeared long before kick off, leaving me to concentrate on watching the cricket and contracting heatstroke.

Cheshire posted 241 and it all looked rosy as the Northumberland reply progressed to 87-1; then Alastair Appleby got out just short of a half century and the wheels spectacularly came off as gaggles of loud Sloanes drifted back after the full time whistle at Wembley. A series of loose shots, farcical run outs and on the button bowling saw Northumberland disintegrate to 161 all out just as North Macedonia kicked off. I headed home, switched the telly on and promptly fell asleep on account of the effects of the sun, waking just in time to see Arnautovic make it 3-1 to Austria. In the last game, watched in between my duties as Press Officer for Tynemouth CC, while compiling my weekly email, I sensed the Ukraine keeper may have been dosed with Rohypnol, such was his incompetence. Most importantly, Denzel Dumfries won the name of the tournament award at this early stage.

Monday 14 June; Czech Republic 2 Scotland 0, Poland 1 Slovakia 2, Spain 0 Sweden 0

I’d been coerced into taking a day’s flexi-leave, having been told in no uncertain terms that British Gas desired to give my central heating boiler its annual service.  After overseeing the successful completion of this event, I nipped down to Sainsbury’s to do my weekly shop, then awarded myself a nap. I woke just in time to see the Czechs take the lead with a blinding goal, then double it with the kind of precise finish from distance that only comes around every decade or so. Despite loving Scotland as a place and their domestic football in particular, which is almost as purifying for the soul as their jangly guitar pop, I don’t really have any affection for the National Team. Probably because of the support if I’m honest; too self-consciously wacky and keen on being noticed for being so, but with a deeply intolerant and ultra-conservative ideology underpinning their lovable antics, like a Calvinist version of Russ Abbot’s Madhouse. Similar to the SNP in many ways I suppose, but with more rigorous accounting procedures.

Slovakia are on the same page; I’ve lived there, but any sense of identification has long worn off. That said, I was glad they beat the even more conservative and intolerant Poland, even if all I saw was the opening own goal before I went off to play 6-a-side. I was back in time for the Spain v Sweden stalemate, but there isn’t anything I’d wish to say about that stifling non-event.

Tuesday 15 June; Hungary 0 Portugal 3, France 1 Germany 0

Talking about ultra-conservatism, Britain’s ideological body double came off decidedly second best in this one. I’ve no time for Ronaldo, the preening, vacuous narcissist he is, but you’d prefer him to the sporting representatives of a fascistic autocracy, so I was more than happy that Orban’s automatons were well trounced, even if the score line was shamefully unbalanced. That wasn’t as bad as ITV’s woeful innovation of having Premier League referee Peter Walton give his opinion on contentious decisions in a dismal, nasal drone during the next game. It was akin to asking a traffic warden to summarise a Grand Prix. France looked half decent here and Germany were clearly getting on a bit, so with all teams having played once, I’d say Italy and then Belgium were the best sides thus far, rather predictably I suppose.

Wednesday 16 June; Finland 0 Russia 1, Turkey 0 Wales 2, Italy 3 Switzerland 0

All of these flexitime days off have to be paid for somehow. Hence, I was at graft for the entire duration of the first game and, being honest it’s one you’d not mind missing. By the time I got home, Wales were well on top in the second game and just about to take the lead. Fair play to them for a top notch performance, but even more praise has to be shot in the direction of Italy, who were refreshingly, front-foot offensive, against a dull, pedestrian Swiss outfit. For fans of Newcastle United, this gave us a chance to see Schar looking pissed off with his team mates, as he does with such aplomb for NUFC. Other employees from SJP at the tournament included the arcane skills of Emil Krafth, who somehow kept a clean sheet against Spain, Ryan Fraser looking like a textbook radgie in his cameo for Scotland and an assured Martin Dubravka, whose tournament was about to go downhill at breakneck speed.

Thursday 17 June; North Macedonia 1 Ukraine 2, Belgium 2 Denmark 1, Austria 0 Holland 2

Bad news came early; Tynemouth Cricket Club’s Midweek Social XI were without a game as our trip to Riding Mill had been curtailed by Covid. I decided on staying at work to put a few extra hours in the flexi bank as North Macedonia v Ukraine was too purist, even for me. I got back for the second half of the Belgium game and I’d like to think it was me, rather than the arrival of Kevin De Bruyne, that sparked them into action. It seemed they were far more comfortable in attack than defence, which was also the case for a Dutch side who seemed far less convincing than their Benelux brethren, despite keeping a clean sheet in a fairly mundane 2-0 success over Austria. Frankly the most noteworthy thing about the game was that I watched it in the pub; The Northumberland Hussar with Tom, if you’re interested. 

Friday 18 June; Slovakia 0 Sweden 1, Croatia 1 Czech Republic 1, England 0 Scotland 0

Sometimes you can tell by the look in their eyes when people need a holiday. That was certainly the case with Martin Dubravka, whose late rush of blood saw Sweden awarded the penalty that proved decisive. Stopping off at the cricket club on the way home, I missed out on the Croatia v Czech Rep game in order to see Tynemouth tonk Blaydon in a T20 game, where Muhammad Saad had a fine old time, repeatedly aiming for the ridge tiles of properties on West Dene Drive. Certainly there was far more entertainment on show in his knock than in the sterile stalemate at Wembley. Scotland are no great shakes; in fact, they are terrible, but their dogged resilience stifled England in a truly dreadful game. Looking back, this may not have been the dullest game of the tournament (Sweden v Ukraine took that accolade, even if it was blessed by 3 goals more than this turgid toss), but it was probably the most agricultural. Scotland got what they wanted; a barely-deserved point courtesy of clogging and time wasting. England got what they deserved; a barely-deserved point from a witless, unimaginative shit show.

Saturday 19 June; France 1 Hungary 1, Germany 4 Portugal 2, Poland 1 Spain 1

Another excellent day at the cricket; Benwell Hill versus Tynemouth. Muhammad Saad took the plaudits with a storming 5-30 return, but Sean Longstaff did us proud as well with 3-48 and a tenacious 22* when batting out the overs to successfully save the game, alongside skipper Matty Brown. Interesting that two years ago, the big question was whether Sean or Declan Rice would be anchoring England’s midfield at this tournament; a couple of seasons under Bruce’s watchful eye has resulted in Rice becoming a regular and Sean playing club cricket during his summer break, which is even more galling when you think that Graeme Jones has been catapulted from obscurity to Southgate’s factotum in a matter of weeks. Surely he can tell Southgate about the real Sean and not the emasculated Bruce version?

I genuinely wish I’d seen Germany v Portugal, as my contempt for Ronaldo would have made this a comic masterpiece. In the end, all I saw were the deeply frustrating embers of the Spain v Poland game that concluded the second round of games. Again, Italy looked to be streets ahead of everyone bar Belgium, whose ageing central defence was considerably creakier than the ageing artistes turning out for the Azzurri.

Sunday 20 June; Italy 1 Wales 0, Switzerland 3 Turkey 1

Euro 2020 was starting to get down to business, with simultaneous kick-offs and teams going home, although I do think 24 down to 16 is a bit of a phony way of doing things. There’s one round too many; if we must have 24 teams, why not 4 groups of 6, with the top 2 progressing from each one? Anyway, under the current regulations 3 teams qualified from this group. The only ones to crash and burn were Lousie Taylor’s favourites; Turkey, who lost all 3 games. More amazingly, Switzerland managed to score 3 goals. Italy, as ever, looked elegant and stylish against Wales, though I have to say my favourite bit of football news from the day was Hartlepool’s return to the Football League after 5 years in the wilderness. Well done you Monkey Hangers!!

Monday 21 June; Austria 1 Ukraine 0, Holland 3 North Macedonia 0, Belgium 2 Finland 0, Denmark 4 Russia 1

I finished work early, but not to watch the football. Instead, there was the small matter of the Ian Appleby Cup semi-final away to Percy Main for Tynemouth Midweek Social XI. Having spent 4 years over the hedge at Percy Main Amateurs, it was something of an honour to step on to the cricket pitch. Unfortunately, the game was a disaster; a team we had thumped at Preston Avenue three weeks previously, comprehensively turned the tables on us and sailed home with little difficulty. Our 122-7 was never going to be enough and so it proved, as they came home with 3 overs to spare. I didn’t bat and I bowled like a dog. Not only that, I actually didn’t enjoy the whole experience, which was something of a shock for me. As Sherriff Ed Tom Bell said to himself in No Country for Old Men, “I need to get over that.” I don’t want to upset people.

I got home, sat brooding on the couch, and gently thawed my glacial mood by watching the joyous Denmark celebrations, as they qualified alongside a Belgium side in cruise control. I wouldn’t say I went to bed feeling happy, but I was no longer quite so down.

Tuesday 22 June; Croatia 3 Scotland 1, Czech Rep 0 England 1

One of my main problems with Euro 2020 initially was, with Ireland failing to qualify, deciding just who to support; it is a measure of how awful Scotland were that I ended up following England. I would contend that, at this stage of the tournament, England hadn’t yet kicked into gear and were very much more concerned with a safe passage than entertaining the crowd. That said, the first half against the Czechs was pleasing on the eye. In short there was never any danger they were going to lose and even less chance of them looking for a killer second goal. Just after the interval, I switched over to see Croatia forensically and effortlessly destroying Scotland, like a lepidopterist pinning a moth to a velvet-coated display board. There was no sense of loss or sadness for the fate of the Scotch, as they were, alongside Turkey, Russia and North Macedonia, so limited and so poor that they made the argument for 16 teams maximum at future tournaments nigh on irrefutable.

Wednesday 23 June; Poland 2 Sweden 3, Slovakia 0 Spain 5, France 2 Portugal 2, Germany 2 Hungary 2

The last round of group games produced a day filled with goals, joy and glorious entertainment. Getting in from work, the first thing I saw was a baffled and crestfallen Martin Dubravka fetching the ball out the net. Having seen the replay, it was clear why he held such a demeanour. It was one to be replicated several more times that day. I hope his holiday has left him feeling energised for the coming third volume of Bruceball.

A similar number of goals were scored in the more competitive Poland against Sweden game, but there was something ghastly and compelling about watching Slovaks meekly and shamefully surrender, like they did to the Hungarians for nigh on a millennium, to the Germans in 1938 and the Russians in 1968.

I flicked over to the T20 international against Sri Lanka and watched Jos Butler flay the bowling for a while, before opting for the Germany v Hungary game. The technical aspects of the contest left much to be desired, but for sheer entertainment, it simply couldn’t be beaten. The frequent goals in both games meant the table was in a constant state of flux and, of almost equal importance, so was the identity of England’s next opponents. Ironically, with a pair of draws to report, the table was eventually unchanged and Hungary were the ones to bow out, with England forced to ruminate on the news that Germany would be the next side they’d play.

Saturday 26 June; Denmark 4 Wales 0, Austria 1 Italy 2

 

After 36 games and 94 goals, spread over 13 days, it was time for a short intermission, before we reconvened for the knock-out stages. A wet Saturday morning gave way to an ever wetter Saturday afternoon, resulting in the cancellation of all local cricket. Instead, I took in my first live football of the season; FC United of Newcastle 1 Percy Main Amateurs 5. Rejoicing at the rebirth of the Main, 40 spectators swathed in anoraks and brandishing umbrellas, saw an early lead for the home side nullified by a smart header from a corner. It stayed level until the hour when a lack of numbers and injuries for FCUN saw PMA take the game away from them, though 5-1 was a cruel reflection of the balance of play.

I returned home frozen and saturated, before towelling dry and thawing out in front of another trouncing of Sri Lanka by England’s T20 side. Once that was done, I saw Denmark do the same to Wales. I bet Christian Eriksen was smiling down from heaven as the game unfolded. Then, because I’m stupid, I went to the pub for the second game. It wasn’t that it was too full that grated, but the sheer incompetence of staff trying to deal with a malfunction of their card machine system and serve drinks at the same time, made it one of the most stressful experiences I’ve had on licensed premises. These clowns don’t have the skills for a job with Remploy, never mind in the hospitality sector. No wonder pubs are closing down at such a rate. Needless to say I went home at the break, to enjoy better beers from my fridge and better company by myself. Oh, Italy won again.

Sunday 27 June; Czech Rep 2 Holland 0, Belgium 1 Portugal 0

Overnight, the weather did a 180 degree turn and so a trip to Alnmouth and Lesbury for Northumberland v Cumberland was on the cards. As is so often the case, Peter and Di Brown were my saviours with a lift. We took the scenic coastal route through Amble and Warkworth, which provided lovely panoramic views, though not as glorious as the picture postcard landscapes from Alnmouth CC.  Sadly, Covid had ravaged the Northumberland team, requiring 9 changes to be made that morning. Unsurprisingly, a callow and unprepared side made only 118, while the muscular and experienced Cumberland lads were able to knock this meagre total off with 30 overs to spare.

The 3.30 finish meant I was on the sofa, coffee in hand, for the first game. Perhaps with the exception of France under the frankly bonkers Raymond Domenech at the 2010 World Cup, no national side, not even England, has the ability to implode with such vicious self-loathing as the Netherlands. We had this here again; De Boer’s inflexible system, utterly at variance with the traditional Dutch style, proved completely incompatible with the players on the park. Once De Ligt had gone for handball, there was a tragic inevitability to Holland’s defeat. The spirited but limited Czech team simply cuffed the Dutch aside.

During this tournament, the best pundits in the studio have primarily come from the Beeb, though Roy Keane’s intolerance is worthy tuning in for. Not one person would say the same about Martin Keown, who excelled himself in terms of specious inanities by describing Belgium against Portugal as “a game of chess between heavyweights.” The fucking helmet. Clearly, it was obviously more like a 12 round, bare knuckle bout between Grandmasters. Actually, it was more like the sporting equivalent of one of those relaxation tapes, with a resting pulse rate of under 40 until Hazard thumped in the only goal to wake us up to the delicious sight of Ronaldo losing. Get in!

Monday 28 June; Croatia 3 Spain 5, France 3 Switzerland 3

The previous Wednesday had seen the titanic pair of 2-2 draws involving France, Germany, Hungary and Portugal. Only this incredible double-header exceeded those games for excitement. Typically, I missed the first one completely, having gone to play a lousy hour of 6-a-side where my team basically threw in the towel and we lost badly. I followed the latter stages on my phone as I caught the bus home, then forgot about things as I did the weekly Sainsbury’s shop. Back in the house, I watched Kent v Somerset T20, where the visitors were having some fun. That nice old Mr Stevens was being carted all over the shop by Tom Banton and Devon Conway. Once their work was done, I flipped over to the France game and saw Switzerland score twice to take it to extra time. No further goals and then Mbappe, who’d stunk the tournament out, missed a penalty. The French were out and the players’ families got stuck into each other, for a proper old fashioned pagger in the executive seats. I’m sure Domenech would have approved.

Tuesday 29 June; England 2 Germany 0, Sweden 1 Ukraine 2

Before we consider the football, let’s reflect on the fact the cop who killed Dalian Atkinson (30 seconds of tasering and two kicks to the head, so vicious they left the imprint of his laces on Atkinson’s head) got 8 years inside. That’s right; the life of an iconic sportsman is worth only 8 years. Of course, Dalian was black and in a working class environment; the state only knows one way to respond to such incidents and that is by oppressive force. This shameful state of affairs is why the achievements of young black men in the England team is so important. Alright, the first half was borderline unwatchable, but the team Southgate had picked was the right one to nullify the ageing, extinct volcanoes up front and at the back for Germany. Apart from Thomas Muller’s miss of course, but that can go down as the moment of the tournament, or certainly the moment England fans began to share the belief of the team that success was still on the agenda.

And then, Sweden v Ukraine completed the last 16 games; a game so banal, it was almost a miracle it didn’t end in penalties. With the quarter finals established, Italy and Belgium looked to be the top tie, with the two most likely potential winners meeting up, though Spain and England were now starting to look like proper contenders too.

Friday 2 July; Spain 1 Switzerland 1, Belgium 1 Italy 2

My late finish meant that by the time I’d cycled to Tynemouth, penalties were imminent in the first game. Interesting how Steve Bruce influenced this one; his decision to allow Schar to take a penalty at Fulham on the final day probably got the lad a place among the spot kick takers when they knocked out France and he buried his. No such luck in this one, as Switzerland failed to take their chances, with Schar failing first, so Bruce must be held accountable. I judge as unfit to manage Newcastle United.

The second game was a stormer; for 70 minutes, a spellbinding contest of counter attacking football was in the balance, until Italy went ahead, at which point they killed the contest, removed all momentum and managed the game with Machiavellian majesty. They disrupted every aspect of the Belgians’ play and left them unable to lay a glove on the Italians; tactics that were brutal in their beauty.

Saturday 3 July; Czech Rep 1 Denmark 2, England 4 Ukraine 0

 

Tynemouth’s stunning 7 wicket win over Burnopfield in a rain-curtailed contest kept me away from the Denmark game. I learned the score, but saw nothing of the play. After leaving the cricket club, we hit The Lodge for a pre-game pint and graciously turned down an invite to watch it there in a beer tent private party, mainly because of Laura’s superstitious belief in seeing England games at home bringing good luck.  There was no luck involved in that rapturous, beguiling second half performance. Alright, Ukraine are no great shakes, but that destructive blitz showed just what they are capable of when the shackles are released. Unlike the arrogant so-called Golden Generation who played for themselves rather than for the team, there is literally nothing to dislike about these young lads; modest, multi-ethnic, multi-cultural, blessed with social and political acuity and also in touch with their working-class roots. Heroes, the lot of them.

We hit the pub at full time and I was pleased to see my Morton supporting mate Brian in celebratory mood. Fair play to the lad, unlike the Mallaig Morrissey, Kenny, who ensconced himself at home on account of a fictional contact from the NHS app telling him to isolate. All well and good, except for the fact he made a big thing about having gourmet Chicken Kievs for his bait. Oh, finally, I can’t recall this night without mentioning Laura’s classic confusion; having missed the final goal while charging her glass, she was baffled to learn that Jordan Henderson was the scorer, asking me “why did the keeper go forward when we’re 3-0 up;” yes dear…

 

Tuesday 6 July; Italy 1 Spain 1

As we approached the final 4, I still felt Italy to be the strongest outfit, with England, just ahead of Spain and Denmark, as second favourites. It’s testament to the Spanish squad’s unity that they made it so far without a single Real Madrid player in their ranks. The referees have been brilliant in this tournament, allowing play to flow and being judicious with their use of cards and the lad in charge of this one was heroic in his handling. This pulsating game could only have been won from open play by Spain; from spot kicks it was always going to be Italy whose mental strength is matched only by their refusal to lose. And so it came to pass; deservedly so I have to say.

Wednesday 7 July; England 2 Denmark 1

As the tournament wore on, the irony of how progressive it was to support the team, as opposed to the boneheaded gammons booing them from taking the knee, responding mainly to the dog whistle racists in government, grew exponentially. Even if the tournament was lost, the wider argument about the morality of the team’s conduct had been won and the stereotype of a 50-something racist bonehead in chunky Italian knitwear screaming racist invective became a figure of abject contempt among the new breed of England support. Clear evidence of growing numbers of LGBT+ fans, Muslim fans and fans who hadn’t a shred of hatred in their systems was evidence enough to me that the game was coming home, regardless of the score. Never before in my life have I been nervous before an England game, or too adrenalized to sleep afterwards. Only the current squad have that effect on me.

Thankfully though, the score was favourable, even if an own goal and a rebound from a soft penalty against 10 men isn’t the most glorious way to progress. One take from an unexpected source really resonated with me. I found myself nodding in furious agreement with Caitlin Moran when she tweeted:  Cab ride across London during extra time - pubs exploding, horns sounding. For an England team who took the knee, wear rainbow armbands, campaign against child poverty. It feels like a cultural game-changer on the same scale as The Beatles. I’d say it was more Bob Dylan; that sense of youthful idealism and ambition because it really felt like the times were a-changing. Fingers crossed they still can and do.

Sunday 11 July; England 1 Italy 1

I didn’t want to drink; at least not too early. I got out the house to watch Tynemouth Academy take on their Blaydon counterparts at Preston Avenue. The idea of occupying a few hours didn’t quite go to plan. Blaydon were all out for 27, having been 23-1, with Ricky Handa grabbing 5 wickets for 4 and Sean Aditsandra three without conceding a run. We then knocked the runs off with 36.4 overs to spare. When has cricket provided me with a shorter game than football?

After a bit of nervous pacing around the house, we took ourselves down for 3 calming pints in The Lodge, which was just the right amount, then returned home to watch the game. Well, you know how it went; the first half so comfortable and the second so stressful. None of this helped by Jenas and his sneering negativity. The bloke has a short memory as he played for a team who achieved the square root of fuck all and never showed a scintilla of remorse for the inadequate returns they provided for all the money and affection showered on them.

 

It seemed like we’d been playing for a month by the time Italy scored; the 142^nd goal in 51 games incidentally. Same as against Spain, you just knew Italy would win if it came to penalties. Let’s not have any recriminations about the ones who missed or who didn’t take one; Southgate had a plan, but unfortunately it didn’t work. It’s better than no plan at all; agreed? Some players distinguished themselves on the night; Pickford, a man and not a child, Phillips, everywhere, Maguire, a colossus, Rice, the best game he’s played in his life, Shaw, two fingers up to Mourinho and Kane, the deep-lying genius. Others, who’d been brilliant in other games, didn’t make as much of an impression as they’d like to have done, but this was 33-game unbeaten Italy they were up against. Just take another look at Chiellini’s chokehold on Sako; that’s how much they wanted to win.

Throughout all my conscious supporting life, which extends back to October 1973 I suppose, when my old fella encouraged me to adopt Ireland as my team after England failed to qualify for the 1974 World Cup because they couldn’t beat Poland, I've followed the Boys in Green. The Sunday after the Wembley qualifier, Ireland beat Poland 1-0 in a friendly at Dalymount Park, courtesy of a Miah Dennehy strike, which is the moment I began focussing on my Irish ethnicity and rejected all aspects of my Englishness, other than cricket, when it comes to sport. Or anything really. I’m not saying I’ve become a flag-waving, facepainted, silly hat wearing stereotype, but I have to put on record just how amazing a transformation has occurred in the mind-set of so many ordinary, decent football fans.  Without question, the quiet decency and sincere humility of Southgate and his team, in victory, defeat and most importantly in their dealings off the pitch, has begun to frame a new kind of Englishness, of tolerance, inclusivity and social responsibility, that I can buy into. For the avoidance of doubt I’m still a Communist and a republican pacifist, vehemently opposed to the militaristic culture that excuses England’s hideous litany of imperialist aggression.

Undoubtedly there is much still to do in our society to roll back the pernicious evil that has enabled poppy fascism, authoritarian populism and a casual, blanket, society wide prejudice that was founded on xenophobia wearing the clothes of patriotism and has morphed into the kind of unthinking discrimination that marked England half a century and longer ago, but the younger generation have the ideological tools to do that. Forget the sights of bladdered 20-somethings falling over in Leicester Square; they’ve been locked down for 18 months and simply don’t know how to enjoy themselves properly. Focus instead on the pondlife spawn of Johnson, Patel and all their acolytes, booing foreign anthems, racially abusing some of the finest young men this country has to offer, on line, in the ground and, in the case of a bloke who has done more to ameliorate child food poverty than any elected politician in the last decade, defacing a mural in South Manchester. 

 The ones who performed such callous and repugnant acts, including the infamous Andy Bone, weren’t born thinking like that. They’ve been conditioned into this this is acceptable by the likes of Johnson and Patel, who have already captured the very small minds of the generation my age and older; the crocodile tears and unconvincing virtue signalling of the ruling class in response to racist abuse shows they’re alarmed that the beast of bigotry they’ve suckled and indulged, is no longer under their command; in such circumstances the repeated acts of kindness and good deeds of a bunch of lads in football jerseys can do more to stem the fetid tide of racism than any weasel-worded press conference from a shifty Tory suit with nothing to offer the world. That goes for their fellow travellers as well. All the racist begrudgers like Lawrence Fox or Nigel Farage; all the bullshitting musos with their own pitiful agenda to promote like Richard Ashcroft, Ian Brown and Gary Barlow. This wasn’t for you. Remember that. And keep your stupid mouths shut. We’re not interested in your hot takes, conspiracy theories or attempts to ingratiate yourselves. You don’t represent the millions of  us who see, in the words of Rashford, Mings and Sterling, a new and better England