Back
in December, I penned a piece for STAND
magazine entitled Jobs for the Boys, ( http://payaso-de-mierda.blogspot.co.uk/2017/12/jobs-for-boys.html) bemoaning the woeful tendency for the boards of struggling football clubs to
peddle one failed manager and replace him with another one from the list of
tried and tested homegrown has-beens. Reading up the Premier League table from
the bottom we can see such illustrious names as: Paul Lambert (Livingston,
Wycombe, Colchester, Norwich, Blackburn, Wolves and now Stoke), Mark Hughes
(Blackburn, Man City, Fulham, QPR, Stoke and now Southampton), Roy Hodgson
(Bristol City, Switzerland, Inter Milan, Blackburn, Udinese, Fulham, Liverpool,
West Brom and now Crystal Palace), David Moyes (Preston, Everton, Man United,
Real Sociedad, Sunderland and now West Ham) and Allardyce (Limerick, Notts County,
Bolton, Newcastle, Blackburn, West Ham, Sunderland, England, Crystal Palace and
now Everton), while in the Championship we’ve got Tony Pulis (Bournemouth,
Gillingham, Bristol City, Portsmouth, Plymouth, Stoke, West Brom and now
Middlesbrough). Six blokes who, with the exception of Roy Hodgson, are already
regarded as joke appointments by the supporters who pay their wages. Indeed,
Allardyce is the target for such hatred from Evertonians that even the hippo
headed arrogant fraud of a man must begin to question his previously
unshakeable sky-high opinion of his abilities and worth.
There
is, of course, one notable absentee from that list: Alan Scott Pardew, whose
installation as Baggies boss was the direct inspiration behind my original
piece. Sadly, the former Reading, West Ham, Charlton, Southampton, Newcastle
and Crystal Palace supremo has been invited to clear his desk at The Hawthorns,
after achieving the grand total of 1 win in his 22 Premier League games in
charge. With characteristic humility, Pards began his final press conference by
stating “without putting too much blame at my door," before deflecting all
criticism and absolving himself of any responsibility for the 8 successive
league defeats that have left Albion 10 points from safety with 6 games to go. West
Brom are one of those clubs that everyone seems to like, other than their
Midlands rivals of course, so the sight of the vacuous, preening narcissist
smugly patrolling their technical area made me positively unwell. I know
blogging about how much of a clown Pardew is, will be seen by many as playing
to the gallery, but I am absolutely delighted that vain, egotistical charlatan
has been shown the door. Without doubt, only Allardyce rivals Pardew in the
disdain felt for him by Newcastle supporters. Even the clueless Steve
MacClaren, who is more often pitied than condemned on Tyneside, has a higher
standing with Newcastle fans than either of those two utter abominations. While
Mike Ashley had Allardyce forced on him, as Freddy Shepherd’s last, reckless
parting gift and sought, perhaps unwisely, to jettison him at the earliest
opportunity, there are no mitigating factors to consider when appraising
Pardew’s tenure.
Following
the eternally popular and respected Chris Hughton’s unnecessary sacking after
thumpings away to Bolton and, ironically enough, West Brom in late 2010, Pardew
was installed to considerable annoyance and zero acclamation. Nailing the myth right from the start, Pardew
from Wimbledon was replacing Hughton from Forest Gate. We disliked the former
and suitably approved of the latter; their places of birth had no relevance in
the prevailing attitudes towards them. Hughton was a dignified and honourable
man in his whole time at Newcastle United, while Pardew was seen as a
washed-up, smarmy wideboy. His later conduct did nothing to dispel that
instinct. At that point in his career, he’d guided Reading to promotion from
League 1, lost the FA Cup on penalties with West Ham, got the bullet at
Charlton after relegating them and looking likely to repeat the trick the
season after and won the Football League Trophy with Southampton, before being
given his cards for winding up the chairman. To be frank, his was an unexpected
appointment outside the inner sanctum of Ashley and Llambias, and boy was he
grateful for the gig, lavishing praise on the owner at any possible opportunity
and dedicating wins to him, much to the chagrin of the support. To be fair, that
first season did include some notable games; the 3-1 win over Liverpool in his
home debut, a 5-0 trouncing of West Ham and the astonishing comeback against
Arsenal in the 4-4. Only a late collapse against West Brom (them again!!) from
3-0 up to 3-3 denied the Magpies a place in the top 10, finishing 12th
courtesy of Tchoyi’s hat trick on the final day.
As
we all know, before Benitez arrived, Newcastle managers under Ashley didn’t
sign players; that was the responsibility of Graham Carr and Pardew was blessed
with a spineless streak that allowed him to work under such conditions. When the
players you’ve been given are as good as Yohan Cabaye, Demba Ba and Papiss
Cisse, not to mention the return from injury of Hatem Ben Arfa, then even a mug
like Pards can’t foul things up. However, most observers believed the 4-3-3
formation that Ben Arfa, Cisse and Ba thrived on, was happened upon by chance.
Cisse was also on an amazing scoring run, including the legendary pair at
Stamford Bridge and a beautiful brace at Swansea, as away wins were collected
without breaking sweat. Whatever the cause, it was reason enough for Pardew to
be named Manager of the Year for steering the club to a fifth-place finish and
a Europa League spot. Amazingly and recklessly, Ashley also handed Pardew an 8-year
contract, which makes the £3.5m compensation we got from Palace when he hauled
himself back down the Smoke seem like a business deal of complete genius.
The
first signs of impending doom were noted during the 2012-2013 season. In the opening
game, a 2-1 win over Spurs managed by that Portuguese Straw Man Andre
Villas-Boas, Pardew pushed over a linesman who hadn’t given Newcastle a throw
in. It was the start of a litany of crass acts and appalling lapses of
judgement that sickened the NUFC support almost as much as his obsequious
deference towards the detested Ashley. While Europe went swimmingly enough,
where Newcastle reached the quarter finals only to lose out to Benfica after a
brave effort, the league was a different matter. The team were flirting with
relegation when Ashley summoned Carr to raid La Ligue once more, with Sissoko, Debuchy, Yanga Mbiwa, Gouffran
and Haidara arriving, to various degrees of success or otherwise. Sissoko was
the one who brought home the bacon, eventually being sold to Spurs for a
ludicrous £30m. Debuchy, as shown by his deliberate red card in the 0-6
humiliation at home to Liverpool, never really seemed that keen on being here
in the first place, so achieved little before moving to Arsenal where he has
been largely anonymous. Yanga Mbiwa was totally mismanaged by Pardew, who
preferred the more cerebral talents of Mike Williamson at centre half and stuck
the lad out at right back, because he never trusted him, then flogged him cut
price to Roma. Gouffran became the target for organised abuse by a section of
the support, before a late flowering renaissance saw him become an integral
part of the 16/17 Championship winning side under Benitez. Haidara is still at
the club, but ever since Callum MacManaman almost crippled him at Wigan on St.
Patrick’s Day 2014, he’s not looked remotely like a first team player. However,
all 5 made contributions to the cause in turning 2013/2014 into a damp squib
and not a disaster as Newcastle finished 15th, 5 points clear of
relegation.
2013/2014
started terribly; Cabaye on strike and a 4-0 coating at Man City with Steven
Taylor sent off (there’s a surprise). It didn’t get much better with a home
defeat to Hull and a loss away to the Mackems before the end of October.
Suddenly, a window of adequacy opened; 7 wins and a draw from the next 8 games,
a place in the top 5 and Pardew named Manager of the Month, basking in his less
than sincere Pardiola nickname. It didn’t last; the remainder of the season saw
15 defeats in 21 games and while a 10th place finish was solid
enough, this didn’t tell the full story of Pardew’s meltdown. During a 2-0 home
loss to Man City, he became embroiled in a touchline spat with Manuel
Pellegrini, telling him to “shut your noise; you fucking old cunt.” As if this
wasn’t bad enough, he headbutted Hull’s David Mayler in a game we won 4-1. For
this brilliant gesture, he received a 7-game ban, with 3 of those excluding him
from the stadium, forcing Jihadi John the Badge Carver to assume control. After
a semi-successful fans’ protest before the 2-2 with Liverpool in October, a
plan by some self-selected super fans to organise a walkout after 69 minutes of
the final home game with Cardiff City turned into a complete fiasco; only about
1,000 bothered to leave their seats and the team scored 2 late goals to secure
a 3-0 win. Nevertheless, The Chronicle
presciently made this observation regarding the atmosphere; This was arguably the worst personal abuse a
Newcastle manager has had to endure at any game. It was an excruciating
afternoon for all concerned. Actually, having walked into the ground when
the gates were opened at 1-0, I quite enjoyed it.
There
was very little to enjoy about the remaining period of Pardew’s reign.
2014/2015 started with a loss at home to Man City, followed by a 0-0 at Villa
that was fondly remembered only for Pardew’s ludicrous jig on the touchline,
intended to inspire Remy Cabella. Home draws with Crystal Palace, who equalised
in injury time, and Hull, where two goals from Cisse in the last 15 minutes
saved the manager from further derision sandwiched a 4-0 stuffing at
Southampton, where Jihadi John got into an altercation with some of the
travelling support, querying just why we were so terrible. The 1-0 loss at
Stoke in a monsoon on a Monday night showed the whole country how devoid of
strategy and fight this shambles of a team had become. Cisse again saved
Pardew’s blushes with both in a 2-2 at Swansea. So, come the middle of October
Newcastle are in the bottom 3 with 4 points from 21 when, suddenly, wins arrive
in a cluster: Leicester, Spurs, Liverpool, West Brom and QPR are all beaten in
the league and Man City are downed at the Etihad in the League Cup. Incredibly
Pards gets the Manager of the Month gong once again, presented on the pitch
before we beat Chelsea at home in early December.
Obviously,
this streak of hot form wouldn’t last and Pards the alleged gambler took a punt
on trying to plot an escape route on his own terms: losses to Arsenal, the
Mackems (again!!) and Man United are further examples of his limitations. He
struggles in big games, being seemingly incapable of motivational team talks,
tactical nuances or getting any luck at all. Ironically, his final game is a
surprisingly entertaining 3-2 home win over Everton on December 28th.
The day after, he receives permission to talk to Crystal Palace about their
vacancy after Neil Warnock was sacked. On New Year’s Day, he is installed as
the Eagles boss, while Jihadi John the Badge Carver is appointed boss until the
end of the season, as part of a Comic
Relief stunt presumably. His record will read played 19, won 3, drawn 4,
lost 12; that’s a paltry 13 points in half a season and reason enough why
relegation fears weren’t ended until the final day with a 2-0 win over West Ham
that saw Jonas Gutierrez score a memorable goal and stick two fingers up to
Ashley after doing so. The same day Allardyce was sacked by West Ham; the news
appearing on their website as the game was still in progress.
Of
course, Pards was initially in his element at Palace; he took them to a 10th
place finish after assuming control with them in the bottom 3. The next season
they sat 5th at Christmas, before having a traditional post festive
Pardew inspired calamitous decline, finishing 15th. They did get to
the cup final though; that they lost after Pardew’s vile, hubristic attempt at
some form of sexually provocative dancing to celebrate taking the lead, was
particularly pleasing. It was the
beginning of the end for him at Selhurst Park and a woeful start to 2016/2017
saw him sacked at Christmas with the club 17th. Allardyce replaced
him and kept them up, amusingly enough.
There
is nothing funny about Pardew’s time at West Brom though. Four months that
shook the club and turned Gareth Barry from a model professional to someone
stealing a taxi at 4am on Las Ramblas. Being honest, the foolish owners who
panicked when Pulis seemed to have lost his touch got what they deserved,
though it was not what the fans were entitled to; sadly, relegation seems
inevitable for The Baggies and Pards will spend the rest of this campaign
spouting nonsense on Sky Sports,
before winding up at another club and doing the two or three season cycle of
boom to bust all over again. I’d imagine the Ipswich vacancy or a return to
Reading would appeal, though personally I’d love to see him take the Mackems
down to League 2…
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