Isak Wonder Disorder

Newcastle United; where we at?

It feels like an age since I last blogged about Newcastle United. To remind you all, what I attempt to do in my public utterances about NUFC is to simultaneously articulate a fiercely local civic pride, while undercutting that sentiment with a knowingly bathetic use of dialect. Naturally I write primarily in what we know as Standard English, but to connect verbally with my immediate audience, I adopt a stylized narrative voice. By doing this, I am being self-consciously parochial; a comic strategy that nuances, but does not negate, any display of parochialism with which the words are concerned. An ostensibly ‘authentic’ small-town sentiment is instead something rather more complex, and to take it at face value does injustice to the reality of coming from Newcastle upon Tyne which, since around 1800, has been a cosmopolitan entrepôt; a multicultural melting pot for dissenting communities and, most pertinently, a centre of organised cultural activity of all kinds second only to London across the Atlantic archipelago. Newcastle functions as a northern metropolis, exerting influence over a broad geographical region that reaches not only south to York and west into Cumbria, but also north into Lowland Scotland. The city boasts one of the country's two first Literary and Philosophical Societies, and numerous spaces that are sites for elite and experimental musical performance. Their importance goes hand in glove with the fortunes of Newcastle United.

While the team were at rest, I continued to improve my mind, especially in relation to my hitherto sketchy knowledge of Irish jurisprudence. One fascinating fact I learned was about the Irish take on vexatious litigants: the Isaac Wunder Order. This is an order issued by an Irish court restricting the ability of a vexatious litigant to institute legal proceedings without leave from that or another court, whether for a specified period of time or indefinitely. It is named after Isaac Wunder, an Irishman who became notorious for instituting a number of actions that were subsequently deemed by the court to be frivolous or vexatious.

In the late 1960s, Wunder sued the Irish Hospitals Trust, also known as the Irish Sweepstake, for claimed winnings. His claims were dismissed as frivolous and vexatious. Wunder appealed, and in each case the claims were ruled groundless. In the light of this history of repeated attempts to get a more favourable ruling on the same issue, the Supreme Court issued an order, directing that Wunder could take no further proceedings on the matter at the High Court. Although this was not the first order of its kind issued, it nonetheless became known as an Isaac Wunder order. It gave me something to think about when Isak’s wonder wasn’t happening on the pitch.

As regards the club, so much has happened since June, while at the same time nothing has happened. Indeed, if we go back to the summer, what intrigued me the most was not Anthony Gordon’s baffling exclusion or Kieran Trippier’s equally baffling inclusion in England teams, it was the ennobling of Old Novocastrian and FSA regent Kevin Miles OBE. Such a prestigious award for a former member of The Organisation must have stung Denver Humbert and his microscopically minute Cheka. While Air Miles continues to have a profile as high as any professional supporter in the game today, Denver’s Cheka are facing oblivion. Kevin’s gong must also have stung the radge little coterie surrounding True Faith, whose endless droning on about NUFC’s failing in the transfer market was enlivened only by a highly important, but largely ignored piece about the appalling employment practices of Newcastle’s sleeve sponsors Noon. I’d imagine the Dubai Chronophiles were appalled by such disloyalty towards our lords and masters, while welcoming such global megastars as Lloyd Kelly, Odysseas Vlachodimos and John Ruddy to Tyneside, and worshipping at the temple of £7 a pint Madri that is Shack redux. Their only minor snivels have been following the departures of their idols, those legendary grifters, Staveley and Ghodoussi. Perhaps, and this is where I stand with True Faith and www.nufc.com surprisingly enough, instead of whining about the departure of Dan Ashworth, perhaps the willingness to sacrifice Anderson and Minteh in order to balance the books, ought to have engaged more minds than it did. Ever felt you’ve been cheated?  

Following neophytic nincompoop Paul Mitchell’s incompetent and embarrassing failed pursuit of Guehi, I seriously believe that Howe might have been better going for the England job, such is the straitjacket that is being imposed on him regarding purchases and by him on the team’s tactics. However, that ship may have sailed as Vol. Carsley, Burton on Trent Cumann Óglaigh na hÉireann, and his skilful deployment of the quartet of Quislings who sold out, looks likely to get the nod. Providing he keeps his mouth shut, eh?

So far, Newcastle United have played 4 games and remain unbeaten. I’ve only seen one of them in full, which was the Bournemouth game. After a promising 15 minutes, we went all to pot and were justifiably going down to a dismal defeat when Trippier came on. Even if his powers are waning and the £12m Bayern Munich offered for him in January looks like a missed opportunity, he’s still got superb organisational skills and that’s what saved us from defeat. In fact, we could have gone on to win that. The other away game at Forest coincided with my trip to Boro Rangers with Benfield (least said about that one the better), but we heard the penalties in the car coming back, and I have to say I’m sure we deserved to go through and how I’m especially glad for Sean, who is still getting dog’s abuse from oafs on social media.

The two home games saw us pick up maximum points, in a pair of fixtures we could have lost. The idiotic sending antics of Brereton Diaz, last seen in these parts spending the whole of the second half warming up but not getting on for Villareal in a friendly thumping last August, got Schar a deserved red card, but he should have walked as well. Still, the remainder of the game showed the team still have a strong supportive ethos and can grind their way to victory. The Spurs game saw our usual victory, though not perhaps by as comfortable a margin as of late. They missed chances and played into our hands, but we really need to maximise our points in such circumstances as this squad isn’t as strong as it was, or it should be. The major relief is we don’t have European football this year, which means we have a better chance of securing it for next year, but only if we have a proper January transfer window.

I don’t feel cheated; just totally underwhelmed….