Double Scotch; No Ice

Issue #18 of the magnificent North Ferriby fanzine A View from the Allotment End is out this weekend; please buy a copy, not just because I've got this piece in it about my trip to Ayrshire back in January 

On New Year’s Day 2020, back when the world was young and carefree, I resolved that I would complete my visits to all 42 Scottish League grounds as soon as I could.  Since then, of course, we’ve had the Global Pandemic that shut the world down, but I’m proud to say that I’ve stuck to my task doggedly, even if I’ve been forced to incorporate a few imaginative ways of slowing my progress to this goal; a waterlogged 4G pitch at Alloa, a COVID outbreak at Airdrie and First Minister Jeanette Mugabe’s reintroduction of excessively brutal lockdown regulations in time for Christmas were all obstacles in my way. Hence, I’d only ticked Alloa (eventually), Motherwell and St Mirren from my wish list by the time rules were relaxed in mid-January; the week before the Scottish Cup reached its 4^th round in point of fact.

Of the 16 ties, two were moved forward to accommodate the demands of television. On Thursday my Scottish team Hibs beat Cove 1-0 and Friday The Huns cuffed 4 Stirling Albion 4-1, leaving me 8 unvisited grounds to choose from the 14 remaining ties. It swiftly became clear to me that an Ayrshire double header was in the offing; the intriguing Championship and Premiership contest of Kilmarnock versus Dundee United at 3pm could be prefaced by the chance of a mighty upset in the lunchtime game when Lowland League tyros Auchinleck Talbot welcomed Hearts (who, for the sake of objectivity, I’ll not call the Gorgie Filth in this article). The early game at Beechwood Park wasn’t at a ground on my immediate tick list, but it’ll undoubtedly save time once the charmingly nicknamed Bot eventually gain promotion to the SPFL. That said, currently, there are 5 steps between the teams; Hearts are in the Premiership, with the Championship, League One, League Two, Highland and Lowland Leagues (basically, there’s no Conference Premier in the Scottish structure, as everything outside the SPFL is regionalised), then the East, South and West of Scotland Leagues before that. Auchinleck sit second in the West of Scotland Premier League, with 5 games in hand on leaders Pollok. To gain promotion, Auchinleck would need to win their division, prevail in a 3-team mini league with the winners from the East and South, then defeat the last placed Lowland League side over two legs. Assuming they manage all that, to gain promotion to the SPFL, they’ll need to win the Lowland League the year after, as well as defeating the Highland League winners over 2 legs, before getting the better of the bottom team from SPFL League 2 on aggregate, in order to have the honour of playing at the same level as Albion Rovers. It’s a tough ask, but one that appeals to my sense of endeavour.

For the same reason, I’d booked myself onto the 7.44 train north, to ensure I arrived in plenty of time. My carriage was deserted save for half a dozen medical GILFs enjoying a Bucks Fizz and croissant breakfast, en route to Old Reekie for a joint 50^th celebratory weekend. Changing to an even emptier rattler at Waverley, I made it to Queen Street via Linlithgow, Polmont and Croy for half ten and there I met my mate and companion for the day, Kenny. I’d first run into him in September 2020 on a work training course and found, within seconds, we’d loads in common regarding a shared love of the grassroots game. Despite coming from a Celtic-minded background (Irish Catholic in other words), he’d grown tired of the top level of football where ridiculous ticket prices, oppressive policing and stupid kick off times made going to Parkhead more of an ordeal than a pleasure. Thus, he’d jacked in the Jungle for a regular return to his Auchinleck roots, now holding a season ticket at Beechwood Park, where he’s in a particular minority.

As well as trips to Scottish League grounds, I’ve also visited a good number of Scottish non-league teams. In the East of Scotland, the game at a lower level takes place with a very relaxed vibe; not quite Corinthian, but definitely sporting. However, in many parts of the West of Scotland, there is a more parochial, violent attitude on display. Specifically, in 2019 I attended a local derby on the last day of the season between Cumnock and Auchinleck, where the home side’s success in stifling the visitors denied Talbot the title, resulting in some serious scrapping at full time… by the players it must be said. That game only had regionalism as the crucial factor spurring all the hatred. Sometimes, specifically in the more isolated parts of Ayrshire and Lanarkshire, rivalry can appear to be based on major events in 17^th Century Irish History.  These lads are staunch, in the most part, and have no truck with the Church of Rome. This is what makes Kenny one of the minority round these parts.

Arriving in Auchinleck, we parked up on the edge of town and walked to the ground, passing a local lassie coming out of a corner shop with a traditional Scottish breakfast of Vodka, Irn Bru, 20 smokes and a large bag of Monster Munch. Passing the Railway Inn, where several of us had imbibed after the Glenafton v Auchinleck game three years previous, I noticed it had closed down (as had Rebel Coffee, perhaps unsurprisingly), but other pubs were doing a roaring trade, with the Hearts support behaving impeccably, as they did all day. Would my fellow Hibees have been quite so solicitous? Unlikely I’d say.

Turning the corner towards Beechwood Park, a house opposite the ground was festooned completely in amber and black favours of the home side. A woman in an Auchinleck jersey smiled and waved at all those heading to the game, then shut her front door, presumably to watch it on the telly. She would have had a better view than we did, as a completely sold out ground was impeded by the BBC’s insistence on keeping fans clear of the covered shed on the touchline, to save their precious cameras any stress. It didn’t make the ground unpleasantly packed or anything, but an unimpeded view was out of the question. As I was saving myself for one of the legendary Killie pies at Rugby Park, I partook of the homemade chicken and vegetable broth at Beechwood; glorious stuff and amazing value for a quid. I’d just finished it when Hearts took the lead. After a close and even opening quarter of an hour, Andy Halliday nodded the Jam Tarts ahead and the game effectively ended as a contest there and then.

Hearts’ goal took the sting out of the game and kept Talbot at arms’ length. The only surprise was it took until 39 minutes before they made it 2-0. After a needless handball, Liam Boyce converted from the spot and became only of the very few Hearts players to have ever been called a “Fenian Bastard” for doing so. The bigoted moron responsible for this comment certainly looked the part; red, white and blue Doc Martins and matching home-made tattoos, claiming “WE ARE THE PEOPLE” and “No Surrender 1690,” on either side of his bald head. He was a good enough reason to abandon our spot by the corner flag during the break, for a perch at the side of the Main Stand. It afforded us a great view of Boyce nodding home an impressive second after 51 minutes that made it 3-0 and definitely ended the tie as a contest. Talbot’s only chance of an upset had been to get an early goal, then defend like crazy. Being forced to chase the game wore them down and left them out on their feet. The crowd were equally deflated; a steady stream of early leavers became a torrent once Harding and then Cochrane added superfluous gloss to the result, meaning Auchinleck’s signature chant of “Eeka Peeka Pukka Po” remained largely unsung.  We left as soon as it reached 5-0 to get a head start on the journey to Kilmarnock, almost being knocked off our feet by a sprinting father and son, obviously in a hurry to get away. The fact they went into a house directly across the road from the main stand baffled me, but no matter.

I’d chosen Kilmarnock, rather than the equidistant and iconic Ayr United as I’d expected considerably wetter weather than we had. At the best of times, Somerset Park’s pitch is like an allotment, while Rugby Park has bobby dazzling 4G surface, though in the end it was such a clement spell that Ayr may have been possible. The journey to Killie was smooth and untroubled, but we still missed kick off, taking our seats in the Frank Beattie stand, just as former Hibee (and Mackem) Mark McNulty put the visiting Arabs ahead. In the aftermath of this, I took stock of what is now one of my favourite Scottish league grounds. Rugby Park is both modern, in terms of facilities, and traditional, in the shape of their weird, signature floodlights. It’s all seated, but not functional, though many complain of limited leg room, and I enjoyed it on this grey, mournful day.

The second game was a good one, with both sides going for it from the off. A Championship side in good form, with a new manager in the shape of Derek McInnes, up against an underperforming top-flight team, with new players like Tony Watt, was a recipe for a tight game and a proper contest. The fact it was so fact paced and attacking was a credit to both the surface and the two managers’ tactics. Killie equalised when McKenzie tapped in after Siegrist’s sprawling save had denied him initially. At the interval, I indulged myself with a Killie pie, which was even better than the chicken curry effort at Falkirk. Proper chunks of steak, rich gravy and a crust that was more butter than lard; gorgeous!!

Despite both sides going for it, they couldn’t be separated in the second half, even when we witnessed the return of the truly horrible Kyle Lafferty for Killie. As the SFA abhor replays, it went to extra time and, just when penalties seemed inevitable, Dylan Levitt took possession on the edge of the box in the 11^th minute, before evading a couple of challenges and finishing calmly into the corner, winning it for the men from Tayside. This was the cue for Kenny and me to leave. He drove me back to Queen Street and I caught the train home. Another wonderful trip to Scotland, with Airdrie v Cove on March 26^th my next scheduled visit. I’m hoping to complete the whole set by the end of 23/24 or thereabouts.