Per Adua Ad Astra Zeneca

 Anti Vaxxers should be euthanised...

Saturday 20^th February, I took the bike out for a spin. Nothing dramatic; just a tootle up the Coast to St Mary’s Lighthouse and the inland route back.  A life-affirming ride out; lungfuls of iced air and the gentle salt kiss of a light breeze on my freshly shaved face. Stopped for a few minutes contemplation in Whitley Cemetery; pleasant time among the dead in as pastoral a tree and hedge lined avenue of death as you could imagine. Heading back was tough mind; leg-weary and limp, I battled a head-on wind and my lack of recent exertions to crawl home. Felt euphoric when I reached the front gate, though less so once I’d settled down with a coffee and final score. On the first weekend of the year that wouldn’t have seen blanket postponements, I should have been at football.

Wednesday 23^rd February, I sat in the house, bored out my skull. Despite the arcane joys of Preston 0 QPR 0, I suffered ennui. For the first time since I went back to work at the end of September, coinciding with the advent of Sky football swamping my television with games of dubious appeal, I felt trapped. Drink didn’t appeal. Nor writing, nor reading held my fancy.  I took to the sofa and moaned inwardly, with only the occasional blast of social media invective to restore my soul. On such a mild and temperate evening, The Northern League should have been my saviour, if only the games could have been played. Again, I should have been at the football.

Whisper it softly; there is light at the end of the tunnel, and we will be there again, though at a theoretically lower level with The Northern Alliance as my saviour, perhaps even before the end of March. True, it requires a sagacious, scholarly person to interpret what the FA’s statement that the season at steps 3 to 6 will be curtailed rather than voided actually means; is this the end of football at those levels for 2020/2021? Or will there be meaningful cup competitions at County level and beyond? The Northern League is open for consultation about potential knock-out competitions, so we must wait for clarification. However, my beloved Northern Alliance will be back from March 29^th onwards. Come on fellas, what are the fixtures from that date onwards? We need to know, because once I’m at the football, and even better the cricket after April 17^th onwards, watching and playing both sports, then I know we’re all heading towards normality and freedom once again.

Can you imagine what it’s going to be like once we are free again? Hugging your pals without fear. Pints indoors and out. A curry.  Being somewhere other than at home, staring at the four walls and refusing to paint them.  I’m dreaming about completing my Alliance set, including revisits to Bedlington, Burradon, Hebburn, Ponteland and Willington Quay Saints. Heading up to Scotland for gigs (imagine TFC and Mogwai on home turf after all this time?) and football; Motherwell are top of my list for new visits, but that walk from Waverley down Leith Walk to Easter Road has my eyes smarting sentimentally at the thought. Getting my Passport renewed and visiting Ireland. Seeing games in Cobh and Limerick.  Even Barrow has never sounded quite so romantic a destination.  Spurs: I’ve got to visit that ground for some cheese and a Camden Hells. Ossett; how did the merger between Albion and Town actually go? Felling, where I was born, and my parents’ grave. Just being somewhere else and doing things that involve an awareness of that essential sense of freedom. Yes, I’ll wear a mask if required, even after my vaccine, because I’ll do anything to bring the end of lockdown one step closer.

And that’s why I was so honoured to accept my first vaccine on Friday 26^th February (thanks Neil!) The offer was completely unexpected as my place on the list of tiers suggested a May appointment. Apparently, it’s because I’m a key worker that I was able to leap up a couple of tiers for my jab. I did look at health conditions, but I’m not too sure that any of the conditions other than severely mentally ill applied, which I would have found amusing before I accepted my diagnosis of being on the spectrum but reject out of hand now. That said, I wasn’t about to say no to a vaccine, mainly because it’s the kind of news Kevin Carling will object to. He is, despite his remedial work in deleting tweets, the only person who has been openly hostile to the extent of spreading hate speech about my revelations of being on the spectrum; I hope those of you who regard him his dog, his boss, his high horse and his schweinhund with such affection bear this in mind when football, and cricket, returns.

The whole vaccination process was remarkably smooth. I cycled through indomitable NE7, craven NE12 and into hypocritical NE3 towards the race course. I knew the way, mainly because we used to train for the Over 40s at Goals, next door. However, I’ve only once previously set foot in the race course and that was because of some convoluted story that involved a load of us from Percy Main Amateurs being shoehorned into acting as stewards as part of some charitable 5k in aid of St Vincent’s Hospice. It wasn’t a great experience, but this was far better. From chaining the bike up to cycling away, it took me 20 minutes, with a fabulous set of volunteers to help at every step. How much more useful a life these pillars of the community lead when compared to the deranged conspiracy theorists who claim that these injections, Astra Zeneca or Pfizer, are simply a way for Bill Gates to spy on our lives. Now, quite frankly, why would the head of Microsoft be interested in the lives of tinfoil hat wearing psychos? We know they spend 16 hours a day writing baloney on social media and the rest of the time unsuccessfully tugging along to X-Hamster.

I even knew a couple of the volunteers; Phil Collerton from Over 40s football and Ian Hay, father of Richie from Tynemouth CC. Well done lads. Feeling proud of most sectors of humanity, I cycled home, with a slight headache around the temples and a churning gut; symptoms endured by 10% of those vaccinated. However, I slept for a while and the nausea passed. On May 17^th, I’ll return for my second shot which, fingers crossed, is me mostly safe and my duty as a responsible citizen exercised.

But what about those who won’t be vaccinated? I’d like to make it very clear from the outset that they are a completely different breed than those who can’t have the injection for medical reasons. It may seem harsh, but those who aren’t able to be vaccinated must remain indoors, self-isolating, until the medical experts judge it safe for them to mix with the general public again. Obviously, they must all be furloughed to enable their lives to be lived with as little privation as possible, for they are wholly innocent victims of circumstance and do not deserve to be punished for their biological misfortune. This is, of course, not the case with the wannabe attempted murderers who refuse to be vaccinated; they must, for the greater good, be emasculated and kept in a sterile environment.  In my opinion, all those who refuse to be vaccinated and do not have medical reasons for doing so, should be rounded up, taken into custody and kept away from the rest of society. Initially, I had thought of some rural encampment, such as a golf club, to store them but the chance of escape is too high, even with a no questions asked, shoot to kill policy for those who take to their heels. Instead, I have been persuaded that a decommissioned ship, moored miles off the coast of north west Scotland, is the place for them. Naturally, all of their worldly good and effects should be confiscated before embarkation and, if they try to escape, they should be executed. We cannot, as a society, afford to waste time and money on fretting over the so-called human rights of sub-human mentally ill survivalists like Dave Broadmoor from Stanley.  This is why my surgery’s offer of a vaccine was so warmly welcomed, even if slightly unexpected, because I value human life and the rights of those who do the same.

Regarding dates in the future, May 17^th, and the chance to have outdoor pints is one hell of an incentive, especially as I’ve got my booster jab booked in for that morning. The original time they gave me was 10.30, so I asked for a later appointment; 10.35 it is… Anyway, after that we’ve June 21^st when hopefully the world returns to normal. However, the earlier date of March 8^th frightens me; I am sincerely worried about sending the kids back to school. Definitely allow Years 13 and 11 to return, and perhaps 12 and 10 a fortnight later, but keep the young’uns from Year 8 downwards safe, by postponing their return until after Easter on April 12^th or thereabouts.  Let’s make sure enough of us have been vaccinated to make the world is safe before we expose the bairns to any risk. Oh, and fuck the idea of summer schools; this whole country has been hung up on regimentation, targets and classroom-based tick-lists since Kenneth Baker’s GERBIL back in 1987; let’s allow the kids to enjoy themselves for a while eh? I mean, it’s not as if there are any fucking jobs out there for them to go to. Well, apart from the vacancies created by making anti-vaxxers our own disappeared.