If
Springfield’s notoriously corrupt and evasive mayor Diamond Joe Quimby had
attended an English public school, there’s little doubt he’d be the spit of
Boris Johnson. Our very own priapic, platitudinous prick addressed the nation
on Sunday 10th May, by means of a pre-recorded monologue of startling vacuity that took 20
minutes to deliver the square root of fuck all, other than the important
takeaway that horny handed sons of toil should henceforth get on their bikes
and cycle to all manner of unsafe workplaces, putting their lives at risk to
make rich people richer. Meanwhile their bosses have been granted the
permission to enjoy a daily set of 18 holes with members of their Lodge from Wednesday
onwards. Please bear the following in mind, if you are called back to work; section
44 of the Employment Rights Act gives you the right to walk away from unsafe
work. Too many of us don’t know our rights and may need to be reminded that you
should not go to work if you feel you are jeopardising your health and the
safety of others. Of course, you need to cover your back if you do that, by
immediately contacting your trade union. If you’re not in a union, join one
now!!
Pausing
briefly to acknowledge the fact that in this region, a certain subset of ageing
violent heterosexual men from the skilled working classes venerate golf and
Freemasonry alongside Islamophobia as part of their Authoritarian Populist weltanschauung,
the different freedoms granted by the “easing” of the lockdown by the Uxbridge
and Oxbridge buffoon are allocated according to the needs of capitalism and not
the general good of humanity. Big business requires more profits to maintain
the social hierarchy; if this means more deaths, tough. Still, at least Sean
and Matty Longstaff can play headers and volleys in the garden now…
The
usual Tory approach of the stick rather than a carrot, which has recently seen
those lucky enough to be furloughed branded as “lazy” and “workshy” for seeking
to live on 80% of their normal wage, was reinforced by Johnson’s vague and
imprecise suggestion that if we all obey our lords and masters, then the pubs
might open again by late July, supposing that the decent boozers haven’t all
bitten the dust during this whole hideous, dystopian gap year we’re being
forced to endure.
When
Johnson announced the closure of all pubs on Friday 20th March, I
did what every other normal person did; I went to my local. There, in the
wondrous Tynemouth Lodge, surrounded by friends and acquaintances, I had
my last sup of Bass to date. I’d like to say it was my last drink and that
I’d embraced an abstemious lifestyle, but that would be a lie as, in common
with millions of others around the country, I’ve become an avid home boozer.
It’s not as if I’m one of those moralistic, ostentatious moderate social
drinkers who never drink in the house, keeping only a medicinal bottle of
Brandy in the sideboard for emergencies, but I normally only have a drink in
the house as a final assommoir, rather than preludial draft (who on earth
invented the term pre-drinking?), mainly because I like to taste the beer I buy
from pubs without previous pours impeding my palate.
I
love and miss certain pubs, almost as much as I love and miss my family and
friends. The list is extensive and obvious: at the coast, The Tynemouth
Lodge, The Enigma Tap, Flash House, Barca, not to mention half the
buildings on the Fish Quay from The Low Lights along to The Wooden
Dolly. In town, the likes of The Bodega, Bar Loco, The Town Wall, Head
of Steam, Box Social, Crown Posada and Bridge Tavern are grievous
blanks in my social world, not to mention the very best of the Ouseburn in the
glorious jewels that are The Cumberland Arms and The Free Trade Inn,
as well as The Punch Bowl in Jesmond and The Northumberland Hussar
in Heaton. Every pub I’ve mentioned is a superb example of a quality beer bar
that attracts an interesting and varied clientele that makes it a proper public
house. I hope they all make it through to the other side of these insane times
we’re living through.
Incidentally,
if you are expecting this piece to be an informed series of reviews of
different ales, you’ll be disappointed. Instead, I’ll direct you to my lad
Ben’s Instagram account @PeevyTimes where he talks about beers I’ve
never heard of with the kind of enthusiasm I reserve for bands from Glasgow. My
intention is to give a less scholarly overview of what realistic alternatives
there are to crates of Stella or bottles of San Miguel for the
discerning tippler.
While
there have always been quality real ale outlets selling glorious hand-pulled,
unpasteurised, often unfiltered, pure and righteous beer, it is only really
with the advent of craft ales that quality bottled and canned beer for off
sales has become more readily available. I know that the enduring geniuses from
Wylam Brewery have been knocking out bottled beer for a good decade and
a half, but it seemed to be difficult to source it other than in ASDA or from
the venerable, and reassuringly pricey, Rehills’ in Jesmond. However,
from around 2014 or thereabouts, it became possible to source craft beer from
many different sources. My initial favourite was Glug in the Grainger
Market, run by Simone and Ian Clarkin who had already established a superb
delicatessen Mmm. Going for train or house cans was the grown-up equivalent
of visiting an alcohol-based Fenwick’s Toy Fair as, in those early days
the choice was dizzying for the uninitiated, who chose their poison by either
design or the blurb on the can at first, only learning the names of hops and
styles of beer by the experience of blind testing. Tragically, having moved
into larger premises on Grainger Street, they found it impossible to keep
going. Similarly, the first Coastal bespoke deli and bottle shop, Boda Home,
has recently closed its doors, while posh office The Wine Chambers has
only one outlet open these days, allowing its North Shields branch to give way
to the potentially more lucrative Tynemouth Front Street branch.
Thankfully,
there are many options for those of us now forced to enjoy our libations in the
garden or even indoors, which will hopefully explain why we’re lucky to be
locked down in 2020 rather than in 2000 or 2010, as the choice, in terms of
both merchants and products, was minimal back then. Personally, I’ve invested
in both collection and delivery services and see the positives and drawbacks of
both. My local beer shop is the incomparable Yard House, which can be
found in the back room of the Post Office at 27-29 Percy Park, Tynemouth, North
Shields NE30 4LT. Offering excellent service, a massive array of cans and
bottles at decent prices, as well as up to 5 different taps that can fill any
metrically measured container, they won’t sell you anything that isn’t in
pristine condition and they’re happy to chat about beer all day long (even when
there’s a massive queue extending half way down to Longsands!). You’ll see me
in the queue almost every Friday afternoon. I’ve heard excellent things about NORD
(167 Park View, Whitley Bay NE26 3RF), though as yet I haven’t used their
services, but I’m hoping to remedy that soon as their range of beers looks
beguiling. Check them out at: https://nordbottleshop.co.uk/
I
know I said I’m not one to review beers, but I adore Tiny Dancer by Flash
House Brewing Co, and not just because head honcho Jack O’Keefe plays for
Tynemouth Bad Boys in the midweek cricket league. Truly, it is an exceptional
beer among many exceptional brews they’ve produced. Sadly though, they appear
to be in hibernation during the current crisis. Check out their website for any news of future developments; http://www.flashhousebrewing.co.uk/ Meanwhile, another North
Shields outfit is supplying both beer and bakery products. The hands down best
new pub of the past 3 years, The Enigma Tap, situated at 60 Bedford St,
North Shields NE29 0AL, is somewhere you must visit when the insanity ends.
Until then, you can book a delivery on line, as I did, and receive bespoke
door-to-door service for competitive prices, with free delivery over £30 and
10% of all sales donated to the Whitley Bay Food Bank. Check them out at: www.enigmatap.co.uk I had Enigma
Tap deliver me 8 cans of the finest beer of 2020; Citra Cryo IPA by Two
By Two, who are unquestionably the best local brewery. The beer was
stunning, as were the tap versions of Citra Cryo and Snakes Eyes IPA
that I got from Yard House this weekend just gone.
I’m
a little out of the loop for beer shops in town, though I will forever sing the
praises of hard rock and hard cycling devotee Bruce Renwick, who turned his
love of beer into the way he makes his living with the superbly stocked CentrAle
in the Central Station. Bruce will always find time to enthuse about his
range of produce or the Tygers of Pan Tang, not to mention absolutely castigate
Mike Ashley. It’s a great shop and I’d never dream of taking a train without
several samples of his exhaustive stock list by my side. We’ve mentioned Rehills
of course, but one place I’ve no real knowledge of, though both Ben and my
Canadian pal Dave eulogise it, is Block and Bottle just over the High
Level at 14 Wellington St, Gateshead NE8 2AJ. Apparently, a new outlet is about
to open in Heaton, so I’ll check it out then.
5
brilliant Tyneside Breweries:
-
Two by Two
-
Almasty
-
Flash House
-
Full Circle
-
Wylam
5
recommended Tyneside Beer Shops:
-
Yard House
-
NORD Bottle Shop
-
Enigma Tap
-
CentrAle
-
Block and Bottle
Of
course, there is also the matter of buying on-line, either from stockists or by
signing up for a monthly scheme. As regards the latter, I’ve used two
companies, both based in Edinburgh, with varying degrees of satisfaction. I signed
up to Beer 52, on the back of a promotional email, back in Summer 2017.
The price was reasonable, and it came with the compulsory magazine full of
adverts and packet of sunflower seeds; the only trouble was the beer was
uniformly appalling, consisting of a dozen small cans of peach and rose petal
flavoured lagers. Perfumed piss basically. I sent them packing until early
lockdown when their email offered 12 different Irish craft beers for £25 (plus
magazine and birdseed). This time the beer was wonderful, though no Helvick
Gold by the magnificent Waterford based Dungarvan Brewery, so I got
the next monthly case of beers from Virginia, which came with the wonderfully
informative The Story of Craft Beer by Pete Brown that tells you, in a very
readable way, exactly what you need to know about beer styles and the process
of brewing. These ales weren’t as good, but there was no reason to cancel.
Hence, I’m waiting for May’s delivery before I make a decision. The other
company I went with in the past was Flavourly; price wise, they are
bargain basement but, having had to work my way through 24 cans from First
Chop, I have to say a load of their stuff is like the obscure brews you see
for 59p a bottle in B&M or Home Bargains. Cheap, but not so
cheerful I’m afraid.
Our
Ben, who knows his stuff, recommends Premier Hop, especially their
virtual shop on Instagram, Mikkeller for expensive imported stuff
and Honestbrew for their reliability. I’ll take his word for it, having enjoyed many
fine beers in pre social distancing days. Let’s raise a glass to those days
returning and to a final pair of short lists, celebrating more brilliant
breweries from around the country and abroad as well.
5
fabulous English breweries:
-
Cloudwater; Manchester
-
North Brewing Co; Leeds
-
DEYA; Cheltenham
-
Kernel; London
-
Verdant; Falmouth
5
superb International breweries:
-
Lervig; Stavanger, Norway
-
Gamma; Gørløse, Denmark
-
Basqueland; Gipuzkoa, Euskal Herria
-
Whiplash; Dublin, Ireland
-
Amundsen; Oslo, Norway
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