Internment

I wasn't feeling that clever on Tuesday 22nd, so I didn't head down to see my beloved Benfield wipe the floor with West Auckland. That's ok; we're an understanding club. I'll be there on Saturday, away to Penrith. Some other outfits are rather unforgiving taskmasters; they set you an exam before you can work your fingers to the bone for them. Obviously there's no pay, but at some places you don't even get any thanks for your on the job training. Crazy eh?

Dear Mr Winnit,

I would like to present this information to support my application for the position of Propaganda Officer and Chief Trombonist with Brexit Trumptington FC.

Despite the fact that I’m as soft as clarts and unable to even put the cat out, I have gathered an extensive array of chunky Italian knitwear and selvage denim, not to mention a rather fetching MA Strum jacket that I had to remortgage the house for. Additionally, to complement the wardrobe of the well-dressed grassroots radge packet, I am possession of numerous pairs of fancy socks and three stripe reissues, bought on the never never from my mam’s catalogue. To ensure I fully look and sound the part, I am prepared to have a total head shave and frontal lobotomy. At a pinch I might even be prepared to wear a Peaky Blinders cap and Burberry scarf, but only for the purposes of social media selfies.

In the past, I admit I held attitudes that could be regarded as both Socialist and progressive. Rest assured, to fit in with the established ideology of Brexit Trumptington FC, I promise to wear a giant poppy at all times (for the fallen), join every Britain First and North East Infidels Facebook group I can find, march every 12^th July in memory of an event from 17^th Century Irish history I know nothing about and replace all my curtains with St George’s flags from Sports Direct. Can I also take this opportunity to quash rumours that, if I were to be appointed, that I would wish to reach out towards any members of the Muslim, refugee or LBGT community? I realise that these and other terrorists, like Catholics and seahorses, are the enemy.

Most importantly I give you a firm undertaking that anything and everything I write or say regarding Brexit Trumpington FC will have been dictated to me, then proof-read (removing any correct spellings), scrutinised (to eliminate anything that could be viewed as critical) and approved by The Club Fuhrer. It is abundantly clear that the role of Propaganda Officer is one that involves showering praise on The Eternal Leader rather than the football club at any possible opportunity, while abandoning any pretence to independence of thought.  The Chief Trombonist role does, I’ll admit, fill me with trepidation.

I do not expect to get everything right immediately; after all Rome, like a new clubhouse, wasn’t built in a day. Consequently, I understand that remuneration for this role will be in the shape of relentless, unfair, public stick from The Fuhrer, with carrots in the shape out a few out of date tins of Carling in a metal Portakabin on a January morning.

I hope you have found the information in this essay of just less than 500 words, as per instruction, useful in determining my suitability for the role of Propaganda Officer and Chief Trombonist at Brexit Trumpington FC.

No Surrender to the Whitley Bay!

Comical Lord Albert Ali Haw Haw Speer