Fake Footballers

A few weeks ago, I was contacted on Twitter by someone from http://www.fakefootballers.co.uk/ who asked if I could pen some semi believable profiles for made up footballers. Having done this before, by getting the idea Newcastle United were signing the wholly fictitious  Nilos Khadout from FC Charleroi in 2008 into the pages of The Sunday Sun, I was happy to give it a stab. Since then, the website has not been updated and I had no acknowledgement of anyone reading my email. Oh well; no bones broken as it's possibly the worst thing I've written in a long time. However, here goes...

Nilos Khadout is a fictional attacking midfielder/ right winger from Accra in Ghana, who attracted the attention of former NUFC Director of Football Dennis Wise in summer 2008. Born on 5th September 1989, Khadout was taken to Belgium as a child and broke into the FC Charleroi first team aged 17. Signing a 4 year deal on his 18th birthday, Charleroi's relegation from the Jupiler League caused Khadout to ask for a move, alerting those on Tyneside. Sadly a ruptured achilles in August 2008 meant the deal was not concluded and Khadout was forced to spend a lengthy period in recuperation. When his deal with Charleroi expired, Khadout's record of 18 goals in 74 first team games saw him sign for FC Troyes in France on a one year contract, where he rebuilt his reputation as a highly-skilled passer of the ball, though lacking in pace. A two year extension saw him remain in France until summer 2014, but he has shown no indication of wishing to remain in France when his deal expires with Troyes. Khadout has gone on record as saying he wishes to play in England, with Blackburn apparently ready to offer him a 2 year deal....

Ruud Noyes is a mythical centre half who combines cerebral ball playing skills with a monomaniacal belief that referees are de facto in the wrong, whatever their decision. Noyes came through the ranks at the famed Vrouw Haverkamp youth academy in Enschede in the mid-90s, signing a contract with Willem II that enabled Noyes to complete a Bachelor’s degree in Cultural and Communication Studies at Tilburg University. Having starred in the Willem II side that competed in the Champions’ League in 1999/2000, Noyes surprised the Dutch football world by turning down a big money move to Borussia Dortmund, preferring instead to sign for FC Coimbra in Portugal, who were supportive when Noyes stated his desire to study for a Masters degree in the Cultural Theory of Film and Visual Arts at the renowned Coimbra University. Following 2 seasons in Portugal, where Noyes graduated magnum cum laudae, played 47 times for FC Coimbra and endured a 13 game ban for suggesting in a post-match television interview that an assistant referee had missed a clear offside because they moved “like a Bela Tarr protagonist on ketamine,” he made another surprising move, signing a 5 year deal with Patrick Thistle. This moved enabled Noyes to complete his doctoral thesis on humour in the films of Ken Loach at Strathclyde University, as well as accrue several convictions for public order offences in the Maryhill area that form the basis of his debut novel Ah’m no fakkin steamin ya radgey wee bassa that was shortlisted for the Whitbread Prize. Returning to his native Holland, Noyes has accepted a teaching post at Utrecht University, which he combines with the role of player coach at Utrecht FC, touchline bans notwithstanding.

Sean O’Hare is a belligerent, invented, skinhead, midfield enforcer for Derry City. Provocative, prodigiously talented and blessed with a pathological hatred of the British state, O’Hare was talent spotted playing for Armalite Juniors in the 32 County Republican Youth League. A trial with Wolverhampton Wanderers ended badly when O’Hare denounced the legitimacy of any judgement made by the club’s reserve team manager. Returning home via a spell on remand for alleged firearms offences, he signed for amateur side Bogside Dissidents before signing on a one year deal for Celtic. Sadly for O’Hare this wasn’t the famous Glasgow outfit, but West Allotment on Northern League Division 1. Following a 60 day protest on the blanket, he was released from his contract and now plies his trade for “Free” Derry City, regularly falling foul of referees when refusing to give his name after being booked for one of his regular kneecappings of opponents.

Annette Kürten chimerical goalkeeper for FC Baader-Meinhof Frauen. Living according to her club’s motto Protest ist, wenn ich sage das gefällt mir nicht. Widerstand ist, wenn ich dafür sorgen, was nicht gefallen mir tritt nicht mehr (“Protest is when I say this does not please me. Resistance is when I ensure what does not please me occurs no more”), Kürten has singlehandedly repulsed all attacks on her goal by any means necessary for the past 3 seasons. They shall not pass. They shall not shoot. Annette will though….