Fake Footballers

A few weeks ago, I was contacted on Twitter by someone from http://www.fakefootballers.co.uk/ who asked if I could pen some semi believable profiles for made up footballers. Having done this before, by getting the idea Newcastle United were signing the wholly fictitious  Nilos Khadout from FC Charleroi in 2008 into the pages of The Sunday Sun, I was happy to give it a stab. Since then, the website has not been updated and I had no acknowledgement of anyone reading my email. Oh well; no bones broken as it's possibly the worst thing I've written in a long time. However, here goes...

Nilos Khadout is a fictional attacking midfielder/ right winger from Accra in Ghana, who attracted the attention of former NUFC Director of Football Dennis Wise in summer 2008. Born on 5th September 1989, Khadout was taken to Belgium as a child and broke into the FC Charleroi first team aged 17. Signing a 4 year deal on his 18th birthday, Charleroi's relegation from the Jupiler League caused Khadout to ask for a move, alerting those on Tyneside. Sadly a ruptured achilles in August 2008 meant the deal was not concluded and Khadout was forced to spend a lengthy period in recuperation. When his deal with Charleroi expired, Khadout's record of 18 goals in 74 first team games saw him sign for FC Troyes in France on a one year contract, where he rebuilt his reputation as a highly-skilled passer of the ball, though lacking in pace. A two year extension saw him remain in France until summer 2014, but he has shown no indication of wishing to remain in France when his deal expires with Troyes. Khadout has gone on record as saying he wishes to play in England, with Blackburn apparently ready to offer him a 2 year deal....

Ruud Noyes is a mythical centre half who combines cerebral ball playing skills with a monomaniacal belief that referees are de facto in the wrong, whatever their decision. Noyes came through the ranks at the famed Vrouw Haverkamp youth academy in Enschede in the mid-90s, signing a contract with Willem II that enabled Noyes to complete a Bachelor’s degree in Cultural and Communication Studies at Tilburg University. Having starred in the Willem II side that competed in the Champions’ League in 1999/2000, Noyes surprised the Dutch football world by turning down a big money move to Borussia Dortmund, preferring instead to sign for FC Coimbra in Portugal, who were supportive when Noyes stated his desire to study for a Masters degree in the Cultural Theory of Film and Visual Arts at the renowned Coimbra University. Following 2 seasons in Portugal, where Noyes graduated magnum cum laudae, played 47 times for FC Coimbra and endured a 13 game ban for suggesting in a post-match television interview that an assistant referee had missed a clear offside because they moved “like a Bela Tarr protagonist on ketamine,” he made another surprising move, signing a 5 year deal with Patrick Thistle. This moved enabled Noyes to complete his doctoral thesis on humour in the films of Ken Loach at Strathclyde University, as well as accrue several convictions for public order offences in the Maryhill area that form the basis of his debut novel Ah’m no fakkin steamin ya radgey wee bassa that was shortlisted for the Whitbread Prize. Returning to his native Holland, Noyes has accepted a teaching post at Utrecht University, which he combines with the role of player coach at Utrecht FC, touchline bans notwithstanding.

Sean O’Hare is a belligerent, invented, skinhead, midfield enforcer for Derry City. Provocative, prodigiously talented and blessed with a pathological hatred of the British state, O’Hare was talent spotted playing for Armalite Juniors in the 32 County Republican Youth League. A trial with Wolverhampton Wanderers ended badly when O’Hare denounced the legitimacy of any judgement made by the club’s reserve team manager. Returning home via a spell on remand for alleged firearms offences, he signed for amateur side Bogside Dissidents before signing on a one year deal for Celtic. Sadly for O’Hare this wasn’t the famous Glasgow outfit, but West Allotment on Northern League Division 1. Following a 60 day protest on the blanket, he was released from his contract and now plies his trade for “Free” Derry City, regularly falling foul of referees when refusing to give his name after being booked for one of his regular kneecappings of opponents.

Annette Kürten chimerical goalkeeper for FC Baader-Meinhof Frauen. Living according to her club’s motto Protest ist, wenn ich sage das gefällt mir nicht. Widerstand ist, wenn ich dafür sorgen, was nicht gefallen mir tritt nicht mehr (“Protest is when I say this does not please me. Resistance is when I ensure what does not please me occurs no more”), Kürten has singlehandedly repulsed all attacks on her goal by any means necessary for the past 3 seasons. They shall not pass. They shall not shoot. Annette will though….

Curriculum Vitae 2013/2014

On account of me not getting to another Scotch Juniors game after Linlithgow Rose versus Bo'Ness United, football ended for the season on May 31st 2014. The publication of STAND #8 last week marked the end of the written football season, though with an awful lot of exciting print ventures in the pipeline. Consequently, as I've yet to appoint my own personal Boswell, here's my published fanzine CV for the season just ended. I've not included the 50 Northern League programmes I had pieces in, as most of those were for information only. From next week, I'll close the door on the campaign to blogging some unused pieces that I feel merit some attention.

Duck #4 (Stoke City): Geordie Unsure

Duck #5 (Stoke City): The Atkinson Diet

Duck #7 (Stoke City): We’ll Always Have Burslem

Kinnear’s on the Moon #1 (Newcastle United): All Fans Together

Mudhutter #43 (Wigan Athletic): Toon Charm Me

Number 9 #1 (Newcastle United): Herding Cats

Number 9 #2 (Newcastle United): Beginning to See the Light

Number 9 #3 (Newcastle United): A Club to be Proud of

Stand #7 (General): The Cult of the Personality

Stand #8 (General): An Interview with David Peace and Harry Pearson

Stand Out! #3 (General): View from the North East

West Stand Bogs #1 (Barnsley): Parrot Fashion

West Stand Bogs #2 (Barnsley): Darkness at Noon

West Stand Bogs #3 (Barnsley): On the Road

An Interview with David Peace and Harry Pearson

Very soon, issue #8 of Stand fanzine will be available from this link; http://www.distantecho.co.uk/t/stand-amf-fanzine Having read it, I think it is a superbly informative publication. I'm delighted to having this article in there, with enormous gratitude to both David and Harry for sparing their time and providing such excellent answers....

On Tuesday 25th March, Huddersfield Town drew 2-2 with Middlesbrough, to leave the teams in 16th and 15th positions respectively in The Championship, as we must now call it. The crowd that night was, improbably enough, 11,999; two men who weren’t in attendance were David Peace, author of such football themed literature as the exploration of Brian Clough’s ill-starred tenure at Elland Road, The Damned United and the passionate and detailed account of Bill Shankly’s life at Anfield and subsequent retirement, Red or Dead and writer Harry Pearson, still a regular columnist for When Saturday Comes, but particularly  feted for his wonderful book The Far Corner; subtitled “a mazy dribble through north east football.”

Despite regular trips back to his native West Yorkshire, David Peace has been mainly resident in Tokyo since 1994; consequently, his part of the interview was conducted via email. In contrast, Harry Pearson lives in the scenic Northumberland National Park, but tends not to watch Boro these days, preferring to visit either Carlisle’s Brunton Park or various local non-league games for his football fix. I took the opportunity to meet up with him at Ryton and Crawcrook Albion’s Kingsley Park ground when my team Heaton Stannington visited for a Northern League Division 2 fixture on Saturday 29^th March. While my side relished the task, by winning 4-0, I asked Harry the same questions David had answered the day before.

Ian Cusack (IC): What level of interest did you have in the Huddersfield versus Boro game? Had you made a prediction to yourself in advance? Did you follow it on-line, via broadcast media or just check the score at full time? How did you reflect on this result and what it means to your club?

David Peace (DP): Well, it kicked off before 5 in the morning here in Tokyo, but I was up then, anyway, as my son was watching the United-City game. And so yes, I was also following the Town game on the live text update from the BBC website. To be honest, though, I wouldn’t have got up specially to do that. And, as always, I’d thought we were going to lose, especially after the Blackburn and Blackpool results. However, when we were winning at half-time, I was obviously then disappointed with the draw.  But while bitter experience as taught me never ever to believe Town are safe until the last whistle of the last game, it just feels like this season is already over and so I’m already hoping for better things next season. Again.

Harry Pearson (HP): Being completely honest, my interest level was limited. I was out that night and the bloke sitting next to me had an iPhone. When I saw he was checking the Premiership scores I asked him about Boro. After that he insisted on updating me every five minutes – which annoyed everybody at the dinner table, including me. Normally I’d have 5Live on (I have to have something to yell at while I’m doing the washing up – and Alan Green is hard to beat if you want irritating) or I’d look at the BBC website. If I’d made any prediction it would be that Boro would continue the rich vein of not scoring they’ve struck recently. I was oddly disappointed they found the net. Failure has an allure. As to what it means: not much really. Fans are already talking about next season, which in March is not a good sign.

IC: I know I’m testing your memory here, but how would your answer have differed if I’d asked you the previous question 30 years ago, when Boro and Huddersfield were both in Division 2 in 1983/1984 season? That was also a 2-2 draw, interestingly enough….

DP: I’ve a lot more interest now than I had then; from about 1982 until 1987, I was much, much more interested in music than football and had pretty much stopped going to any games. It wasn’t until I moved to Manchester, and was living near Maine Road, that I started going regularly to any football again and then, after seeing a lot of games at City, including them beating Town 10-bleeding-1, going back to Town again.  

HP: Probably about the same, really. When Punk happened I got really into bands and in those days music/football seemed an either/or thing. I was living in Maida Vale, then. One of my flatmates was an incredible glamorous German girl, so I spent most of my time hanging around Soho with her and various members of The Stray Cats, The Cure or whichever other hipster in eyeliner had fallen under her spell that week. For some reason I found it hard to pay attention to Joe Bolton under such circumstances.

IC: Does your answer say more about how you or how the game has changed over the past 3 decades?

DP: I think more about me, and my own circumstances, to be honest.

HP: More about me, I think. The game is the game, as Omar Little from” The Wire” might say, and our reaction to it changes with age and circumstance. At the moment I feel deeply disillusioned with the upper levels of the professional game, but as a man in his fifties that applies to quite a lot of other things, too.

IC: As supporters of provincial, second tier teams, though both with proud histories, you can view the upper echelons of the game dispassionately and, in David’s case, from a great geographical distance. How do you view the current state of English domestic football? Are you optimistic or pessimistic about the future of the game, at all levels?

DP: Not to sound like I’m sitting on the fence, or being contradictory, but a bit of both, Ian. On the one hand, and as everyone reading this knows only too well, the sheer all-pervasive dominance of the Premier and Champions Leagues, and the almost unimaginable sums of money involved, and then the sense of exclusion for everyone else, particularly on local levels, and especially for kids, either as players or supporters, means you can’t help but feel pessimistic if all you can hope and pray for is some foreign multimillionaire to come and pluck your own club out of the wilderness. But all that said, thankfully many, many folk don’t give up; over eleven thousand still watched the Town-Boro game on Tuesday night; then there is the work that people like Robert Gillan do setting up the Glenbuck Football Academy; the example of FC United; and as you well know Ian, there is still a thriving (and it seems to me) still growing fanzine culture. And so when the money runs out, and it all comes crashing down, which it will do, then the grassroots will still be there and will be ready to save the day and the game. 

HP: I've started to feel about football like I do about music - I've got my memories and I can let the young folk worry about what's going on nowadays, albeit while shouting "This sounds just like the Buzzcocks" occasionally. Top level football is now so divorced from the rest of the game they are more or less separate entities. One thing I have discovered is that I regard football as a live event. I can't be arsed to watch it on TV. It's all the stuff that surrounds football that I like - the smell, the PA playing “Sex on the Beach” in February, the angry men with bad hair howling abuse - rather than the actual game. I'd rather go and stand in the paddock at Carlisle on a rainy afternoon, than sit and watch Barcelona in the comfort of my sitting room.

IC: We have a World Cup this summer; I’m supporting Iran as DPRK didn’t make it this time round. Do you see it as a potential feast of all that is great about the game, a gross, consumerist fiasco or something in between? How do you feel about England? Will you support them? How do you think they’ll perform?

DP: Again, mixed feelings, Ian.  And also about England. I’ve only seen them three times, in their group games in Japan in 2002, and I’ve no interest in ever going to an England game again. But I still end up watching every game they play on the telly. And will do again this summer. Then again, I can’t see them hanging about in Brazil for too long. Japan might well do better.

HP: I always enjoy the World Cup. It has elements of a soap opera, and Fifa's insistence on commercializing it has turned it into a sporting equivalent of “Dynasty” (Ronaldo is Joan Collins, obviously). I support England, though in pretty much the same embittered way I support Boro. My hope is always for success, or totally humiliation.

IC: To conclude, since you both missed the obvious highlight of this season’s football calendar at Huddersfield, to make up for it; if you could attend 1 game, anywhere in the world, what would it be? Why would you pick that one?

DP: Town’s first home game of next season and I plan to be there. It’s like church on Easter Sunday, or the Durham Miners’ Gala. Dare to dream, Ian, dare to dream.

HP: Roma v Juventus in Rome. I've not been to a football in Italy since the mid-eighties and I recall those trips with great affection, especially as a man came round the curva selling brandy and coffee from a tray; imagine that in England! Also, Andrea Pirlo is one of my all-time favourite players, the Italian fans are indecently good looking and Roman life is a big performance that I like watching.

With that, the full time whistle blew and The Stan remained in 5^th spot, just outside the promotion places. A cursory glance at the full times in Ryton’s clubhouse told us Huddersfield had drawn at Reading and Boro had drawn at Reading. With a warm handshake, Harry was away for the number 10 bus, with a copy of Stand  6 to read during the journey and I was away too, with the warm feeling a thumping away win always gives you. Sometimes, it is a beautiful game.

Junior Showtime

In 2003 Arthurlie came out on top away to Pollok on a cold February afternoon. In 2006, October was ushered in by Benburb thrashing Larkhall Royal Abert at the now defunct Tinto Park in Govan by 5-1.  In 2007, Petershill found their new 4G pitch wasn’t easy on the Peasy as Cumbernauld stole the show the July evening the ground was opened, the away eam winning 2-1. In 2009, Bathgate trounced Forfar West End 5-2 in a winner takes all relegation tussle. In 2010, back at Creamery Park, Linlithgow Rose saw off Mussleburgh United 2-1 in the East of Scotland Cup final. In 2011, Arthurlie came back from the dead to defeat Irvine Meadow on penalties after a 2-2 draw in the Evening Times Champions’ Cup semi-final. In 2012, Hannah Park was rocking as Shotts Bon Accord went up and Girvan went down in a breathless 4-3 home win in the West Super League First Division. In 2013, Glenafton beat Glasgow Perthshire on penalties in the West of Scotland Cup final at Pollok after a 2-2 draw and Yoker Athletic ended the season on cruise control, overcoming already relegated Kello Rovers 4-2. I’m talking about the Scottish Juniors again and my fifth annual end of season pilgrimage north of the border to have a cultural delve into pre Independence grassroots Caledonia.

Normally, I insist on a game every Saturday from mid-July until the end of May; in 2013-2014, the blank weekends were July 13th (Durham Miners’ Gala), January 25^th (my Uncle Harry’s funeral) and May 17^th (Winstons post Billy Lorraine Cup final success day on gargle in York). Most years, local climactic conditions have intervened to allow me to see north east games until the last Saturday in May, but not this year. The Northern Alliance George Dobbins League Cup final between Shankhouse and Chemfica at Seaton Delaval on Friday May 16^th was the last game in my region. Consequently, I had two trips to Scotland to prepare for.  The fact is, with slightly better attention to detail I could have found myself with 4 trips to fit in, as the final game of the season will be at Linlithgow on June 14^th when the East of Scotland Cup final takes place, but I was at Linlithgow on May 31^st; if I’d thought about it sensibly, I would have gone to Arniston Rangers on that date. You live and learn. The game for June 7^th is an East of Scotland Cup semi-final at Camelon versus Sauchie, but I’ve bravely decided not to attend because of the Over 40s AGM on Thursday, the Tyneside Amateur League AGM on Friday and Northumberland v Norfolk in the Minor Counties East at Tynemouth on Sunday. I’ve got to empty the cupboard under the stairs and do my mam’s shopping for her at some point; it looks like being Saturday…

I know 4 exiled Geordies in the West of Scotland; 3 of them came to Maryhill versus Larkhall on Saturday May 24^th for an absolutely meaningless Central First Division game between the sides that were to finish 9^th and 7^th respectively. With nothing riding on the fixture, it was the kind of occasion the exiled Newcastle fans could appreciate; Alan, originally from North Shields but having spent the last 27 years in Drumchapel, Jonathan, eminent Shakespeare scholar and Professor of Literary Linguistics at Strathclyde University and Mick, 17 years in Cowdenbeath and then Paisley, discovering that his home town of Ashington isn’t so bad after all, and the person who got me into the Juniors, who was there in a professional capacity, doing the match report for the Sunday Mail, none of whom knew each other, all came down to meet up. Sadly Mick’sSunday Post colleague Chris, another resident of Paisley who hails from Ashington (I’m not making this up) was required at the West of Scotland Cup final at Pollok, where Auchinleck Talbot saw off Troon 2-0.  Just in case Alex Salmond is reading this, I do know some Scotch folk as well; Graham Ewing, my Hibs supporting pal who lives out in Carluke and was providing me with a bed for the night and Donny, the jack of all trades at Maryhill, who works tirelessly and devotedly for the club’s cause and whose acquaintance I first made at Shotts two years ago, introduced by Mick of course, were both there and I’m proud to say were in my company.

Maryhill’s ground is an absolute treasure; it isn’t beautiful or luxurious and it is set in an area of intense social deprivation, but it is just the kind of slightly eccentric venue that makes the Juniors such a joy to investigate.  The first thing I saw advertised in the club shop cum snack bar was a Maryhill Clock. If it had been slightly less than £15 I may have opted for one. While Lochburn Park doesn’t boast the massive covered enclosures of Pollok, Shotts or Benburb, it has an incredible 15 feet drop between terracing and the pitch. The only time I’ve seen such a thing is at Alnwick Town’s top end, but that is a car park. This is a walled terrace that gives the impression of looking down into a swimming pool, which may explain why rain often causes 

postponements on this pitch.  The weather was grey and chilly today, but it wasn’t cold enough to forgive the indulgence of that famed Scottish player Trialist (actually NjabuluNdlovu) from turning out in gloves this late in the season. However someone else in gloves was Larkhall’s keeper David McEwan, who made some great stops. Nobody would have been calling him soft, especially as he had NO FEAR tattooed across his shaven head, specifically at the place where his hairline was; not the sort of bloke who you’d push in front of in a taxi queue late on a Friday night.

Maryhill, as well as the guesting Ndlovu, had a cosmopolitan line-up with an English keeper and an Italian, Simon Rossi, who was playing his last game for them before returning home as his University course has now ended.  Their chairman is the fabulously named Freddy Duda Junior, son of a Polish immigrant; he gave us all a complimentary post-match Scotch pie, which was as healthy a treat as ever. The game, as was to be expected, was fairly low key; Larkhall took the lead in the first half and Maryhill equalised in the second. The two club linesmen stood immobile on the halfway line, signalling throw ins only. At full time, we adjourned to the clubhouse, where I had the pleasure of seeing Younger’s Tartan on draught for the first time in more than quarter of a century. It still tastes like flat blackcurrant juice, but it made for a nostalgic and freezing toast to all those who’d made the effort to come down and enjoy a pleasant afternoon in pleasant company.

According to UEFA, the domestic football season ends on May 31^st, except in countries that play summer football; as the Scottish Juniors are an entity distinct from the interests of Monsieur Platini, May 31^st was just another Saturday in a season that must end before the third Saturday in June, which is when the AGM takes place. Linlithgow, birthplace of James V and Mary Queen of Scots, is a very different place to Maryhill and apparently out of step with most of West Lothian. A prosperous, spruce market town with many independent traders and a couple of real ale pubs; a well-heeled settlement that boasts a cricket side, showing signs that it really is a civilised location. While the much-vaunted Platform 3 was disappointing, the Four Marys was having its own real ale festival, with over 20 guest beers. Shamefully, I spent the pre match in a bar opposite, drinking Belgian beer, with Livingston fan and groundhopper of my acquaintance, David Stoker and his Dundee supporting driving instructor.

It’s a decent walk to Prestonfield, the home of Linlithgow Rose, but it is well worth it to see one of the most well-appointed and comfortable grounds I’ve been to in a long while. Certainly the middle-class nature of the town is reflected in the almost suburban nature of the enormous hedge that surrounds two sides of the pitch and main stand that looks as if it could be a cricket pavilion, even if the bogs were a traditional brick wall and slit trench affair. This game, which attracted a crowd in excess of 1,000 and saw me having my bag searched by cops before I could gain entrance, could have been the title decider in the McBookie.com East Superleague, but Bo’ness United, from the adjoining settlement of Borrowstounness, had wrapped up the title on the Wednesday with a 5-1 pummelling of Lochee United and went into this game an unassailable 6 points ahead.

Bo’ness rubbed it in, with 2014 Champions t-shirts as warm up kit and on the backs of the overwhelming majority of the crowd, who had travelled to this game to gloat at their rivals.  However, once the game kicked off, it was the home side who were by far the better outfit, racing into a 3-0 lead. The third goal by McKillen was possibly the best effort I’ve seen in this season; a corner played out beyond the edge of the box saw a venomous, rising first time effort off the outside  of the foot flash into the top corner before the keeper could move. Superb technique and enough to basically put the game to bed. In the second period, Bo’ness made a fight of it and pulled one back, but a late Linlithgow effort made for a comprehensive looking score line and added spice to the up-coming Fife and Lothian Cup final between the two sides on June 6^th at Bo’ness. If only it had been on the Saturday!!

Post-match, in the company of 100 Grounds club members James, Katy and Lee, we tested the Four Marys, took a train back to Waverley and had a quick one in the Halfway House on Fleshmarket Close at the back of the station, before I caught a deserted 18.30 back to Newcastle. Another great game, great ground, great beer and great company; why don’t I watch this sort of stuff all the time? Well, £40 a week on train fares for a start….