The Black & White Menstrual Show

Oscar Wilde, an otiose fop with questionable dress sense, a hubristic air of apolitical contempt for the day to day struggles of the lower orders and no discernible interest in football, claimed that it was every woman’s tragedy that she turned into her mother and every man’s that he didn’t. Unsurprisingly, I would like to take issue with the second most gifted literary Old Portoran, behind Samuel Beckett of course, by contending that the greatest tragedy of my life, as I approach my half century, is that I’m starting to sound like my dad. Thankfully, I’m not quite at the stage of dressing like him as yet. Of course his sartorial inarticulacy was a long established tradition; even before I was born, while his peers sought to affect a Rat Pack influenced look, he donned a Geansaí Árann in tribute to his heroes The Clancy Brothers, though my mother was wont to claim he looked more like Charlie Drake.

The way in which I most resemble my dad is in my relentless, but not affected, pessimism as to the on-field fortunes of Newcastle United. Whatever the game, whoever the opponents; Eddy Cusack always felt they’d lose. I’m not that negative, yet, but I do have my usual, barely logical, bad feeling about this Sunday’s game away to the Great Unwashed, especially as the Mackems, having rejected Mussolini style politics in favour of the ideology espoused by Juan María Bordaberry Arocena, must win at some point and simply can’t be as woeful as they were at Swansea last weekend, though that’s not the real reason I think we might lose.

Since Shane Ferguson was shipped out to Birmingham City, where his failure to get off the bench in a 4-0 clattering against Leeds United last Sunday tells you everything you need to know about his level of ability, the very worst player at Newcastle United is Steven Taylor. As well as being the only player held in equal contempt by both NUFC and safc fans, he is the kind of ticking timebomb of inevitable, sporting self-destruction who will give away a penalty for a mindless push, slice the ball in his own net or stand motionless, playing the opposition onside, when the descendants of Fructuoso Rivera grab a late and undeserved winner. Imagine how that will affect messageboards and Twitter; as my friend Dave pointed out, such a course of events will probably result in the internet actually melting. However, The Black & White Menstrual Show is yet to take place; so let us fervently hope it will not happen.

At the current time, the Mackem support is considerably more disjointed in its response to recent events than even our own. A persuasive, common, shared interpretation of their narrative post 31^st October 2010 has yet to emerge; some claim Poyet is the answer, while others wish Ball, a man who looks like an anxious stepfather at a Social Services case conference, had got the job. Di Canio’s sacking is seen as either a last straw or throw of the dice, depending on perspective. No-one has, as yet, claimed they were better off under O’Neill, but nostalgia for Brewse’s 10^th place finishes or the, and I use this word advisedly, “glamour” of the Keane era is prevalent. Most fascinatingly of all, sympathetic noises are made about the Bob Murray administration, similar to how certain among the Newcastle support pine for the equally atrocious Shepherd regime.

What really gladdens me about elements of the Mackem support is the growing realisation among the advanced sections of it (we’re talking relatively here you understand) that Ellis Short is another Mike Ashley; a venture capitalist with no connection to the club, whose first and only responsibility is to the profit motive. His main concern is lining his own pockets and to hell with anything else. Several of them who have sensed this is the case, are daring to raise their heads above the parapet and going public with their concerns, by denouncing their club’s owner in strident terms, as the following fairly typical post on their On The Buses messageboard demonstrates -:

Ellis Short out.

Discussion in 'Pure Football' started by MrOompapa, 2 minutes ago.

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MrOompapaFull Back

Has nobody ever considered raising this point?

I don't care if it sounds dumb, but this man is running our club into the ground.

1) Sold all our best players
2) Clearly Refuses to invest- despite having a personal wealth of $2 billion
3) doesn’t have a clue about the game or what he's doing
4) Insane and consistent managerial appointments and sackings
5) No relationship, communication, connection or even interest in the fans.

Ultimately I think very poor, uninformed and reckless decision making by the man upstairs has led us into this vile predicament. As a fan base, we ought to let him know that we are discontent with his running of the club and that things need to change. We need to stand up for who we are and salvage something while we can.

Actions have long term consequences. Ellis Shorts actions are derailing any opportunity we have to stay at this level.

As someone who, regional rivalries aside, believes passionately in the idea of 100% Fan Owned clubs, I find such sentiments to be extremely encouraging. Obviously it is only a single step on the journey of a thousand miles to that eventual, inevitable point of democratic ownership and democratic accountability, and many of those expressing dissatisfaction with Short still have naive and ultimately doomed hopes of finding a philanthropic billionaire to bankroll their club, as do a large number of Newcastle fans. Ultimately, of course, both sides of the Tyne and Wear divide will learn this futile, unfounded hope of jam tomorrow is utterly unattainable.  

Let us be clear about this, what is of far more importance than the eminently predictable fact that the loathsome Di Canio got his cards, is that many sunderland fans are beginning to question their club's owner. As I will never tire of telling them, Ellis Short, far from being the solution to all their problems, is actually the main problem. Like all venture capitalists, his loyalty is not to the club or the supporters; it is to the profit system. Stepping back from the mind boggling statistic that the Mackems last 8 visits to SJP will see them managed by 8 different people; the incontrovertible truth is that only 100% Fan Ownership can offer any solution to the problems in the game, on Wearside as on Tyneside. I have an unshakeable belief that what cynics call a utopian ideal can, and will, become a reality.

sunderland of course wouldn’t be sunderland, were it not for the appearance of a virulent strain of cognitive dissonance; many of their fans are in denial about the harm being served on their club by Short, as the personal ideological impact of accepting not only is their current owner a Trojan horse for the interests of avaricious, rapacious capitalists, but so were the Drumaville Consortium and so especially was their demi god; self-confessed problem drinker and bad parent, Mr Charity himself, Niall Quinn, the reasons for whose inexplicable departure from Wearside will one day emerge I am sure. Once they realise that Quinn wasn’t a very rich version of them, but another capitalist out to exploit them for his own financial benefit, the justifiable contempt that will be visited on Quinn will dwarf the current loathing the reserve for the player no-one has ever called the Cullercoats Cannavaro.

Not only is Taylor a terrible, terrible footballer, whose rash impetuosity is ever more pronounced with each passing season, his asinine interviews in the local press and puerile populism on and off the pitch make his every act and every utterance a source of deep shame for fans of Newcastle United. It is therefore unsurprising that he is the only one of the current squad to find anything positive to say about either Ashley or Kinnear. While contemplating the enormously high stakes related to Sunday’s game, it is instructive at this point to remember that whatever the result, wherever the team finish the season and whoever plays for or manages the club, remains an utter irrelevance while Mike Ashley owns the club. Such a sentiment would be lost on Taylor, who gives every impression he is more proud to carry an advert for Wonga across his chest than the badge of his club over his heart. Sadly Taylor is not the only one with such an attitude.

I despair at the replica shirted sheep that seem unable to articulate their passive acquiescence to the established order with anything other than a baffled shrug, while mouthing platitudes about supporting the team, but ignoring the regime. However, their  banal tolerance of the incredible volume of horseshit visited upon us both by the regime and their quisling mouthpieces in black and white shirts and similar coloured newsprint, should not be interpreted as a defined ideological position; in an era whereby broadcast and print media are little more than the shoe shine boys of the ruling elite, it is to be expected that many, many good fans of Newcastle United become ideologically isolated and, bereft of hope of guidance, succumb to the kind of atavistic hegemony that made them indifferent to the heroic Time 4 Change march that took place last Saturday, in the centre of town. Those who say “be careful what you wish for; we who are old enough to remember a crap ground, with a crap team and crap crowds think that this isn't that bad a regime” are producing a red herring; it's like saying life under Stalin was preferable to life under the Czar.

This blog post will not be discussing the recent on-field travails of Newcastle United. While it may have been a good point and a decent performance against Liverpool; I’m really not that interested, because it’s really not that important in the wider context of the future wellbeing of Newcastle United. The club, as we are all aware, will continue to languish in the Pelagic Zone of the Premier League, avoiding anything other than cursory flirtation with relegation or European qualification by finishing between 9^th and 14^th each year and going out of the cups at the earliest opportunity, to maximise Ashley’s profit from television and player sales while keeping investment at minimal levels for the foreseeable future. Failing to recognise this to be an utterly unacceptable state of affairs is the clearest example I have ever come across of false consciousness in a sporting context. Yet, the Wonga wearers are not the real villains, as I intend to demonstrate.

The Time 4 Change march on Saturday 19th October began at 10.30; the very moment Gateshead Fiddlers Three v Wallsend Winstons in the North East Over 40s League Division 4 was kicking off on Windy Nook Playing Fields. Newcastle United v Liverpool started at 12.45; the very moment I caught the 58 bus from Whitehills back to the Corner House, so I could attend Heaton Stannington v Whitehaven. Perhaps therefore, I am not the best person to comment on the events of that day, although I had no chance with the second equaliser in Winstons 2-2 draw and was delighted to see Jonathan Wright bag a hat trick as The Stan came from a goal down to overpower the Cumbrian visitors 4-2 and remain top of the table.

For weeks I had wrestled with my conscience about attending the Time 4 Change march; I was fully in support of its aims and marvelled at the superb organisational feat they achieved by creating a truce amongst the famously fractured NUFC support base, whereby previously uncommitted and even hostile elements and interest groups pulled together on this one and showed their faces. This march was one last chance for the previously discredited NUST, an organisation I feel is perilously close to having failed because of their pusillanimous, obsequious inertia, the generally supine Mag, anodyne www.nufc.com and uncommitted B&W Daft to show whose side they are actually on. With the exception of the latter, which has not appeared since the start of the season, they all rose to the challenge to a greater or lesser extent, which particularly pleased me in the case of www.nufc.com as I’d had discussions with Biffa at a couple of Whitley Bay games this season and he seemed somewhat sceptical.

While NUST still seemed more concerned with pushing registration for their conference on football governance at Northumbria University than manning the barricades, their website did include a bland statement vaguely agreeing with the march -:

'It is universally accepted that the greatest asset Newcastle United has is its loyal and faithful fans which help make it one of the best supported clubs in Europe (tenth best in Europe last season).

It clearly demonstrates the frustration that fans are feeling when they feel the need to go to the time and expense to organise a march in support of change in the hierarchy at the Club.

At Newcastle United Supporters Trust  we believe that regardless of whoever 'owns' the club, it is right and proper that supporters have an influence in the running and future of the club, preferably via a financial stake in Newcastle United . Supporters involved in part/whole ownership of clubs is successful throughout Europe and there is no reason why that should not be replicated at Newcastle United"

It wasn’t passionate oratory, but the content was something of a relief after some of their recent activities, such as Peter Fanning’s highly personal and deeply cynical take on the first official NUFC Fans Forum Meeting in September in which, as a member of Newcastle United Supporters’ Trust, he is at pains not to mention any of the other supporters present. I did suspect the motive behind this was the continued demonization of a former NUST board member, who is now part of the Newcastle Fans United coalition, though I may be wrong in that assumption; if so, I unreservedly apologise and withdraw the sentiment. However, Fanning’s article caused grave unease among several people I talked to, with one of them memorably describing it as a democracy heist; then again, Fanning’s piece was published at a time when the official club site included neither minutes nor membership of the Forum, both of which had been promised, so perhaps he was riding the zeitgeist at a time when there continue to be daggers in men’s smiles, to steal from The Scotch Play.

I find The Mag’s website a troubling beast; unlike the dull printed version, in which only Chris Tait’s articles provide anything remotely cerebral in content, the on-line presence is a fascinating, car crash of a read. To me it appears that they value traffic over quality in terms of content and will publish anything anyone sends them, irrespective of merit. I have read some truly awful pieces on there, but I also read Graeme Cansdale’s brilliant piece in advance of the march, explaining why people needed to show their support for Time 4 Change. It was certainly preferable to NUST board member Colin Whittle’s piece in the previous issue, which effectively appeared to tell people not to protest about or boycott the current regime. To me such sentiments are perilously close to placing NUST in the role of the Nottinghamshire based Union of Democratic Mineworkers, with Newcastle Fans United and Time 4 Change campaigning in the manner of Scargillite NUM hardliners. Which side are you on fellas? The fact several prominent NUST members chose to march is an incredibly encouraging state of affairs and one that throws my non-participation into even sharper relief.

Albert Camus, another goalkeeper, uttered the most profound thing any of us are ever likely to read about the game; “all that I know most surely about morality and obligations I owe to football.” At the current time I am dehors the Newcastle United family. Consequently my responsibilities are to Wallsend Winstons and Heaton Stannington. On 19^th October, I knew that I would be at Grounsell Park in the afternoon for the game against Whitehaven, but until Friday afternoon I was still torn between Winstons and Time 4 Change. At that time I was informed our other keeper could only be present for half a game as he had to collect his daughter from a gymnastics lesson; consequently I was obliged to show my commitment to my friends and team mates. I missed the Time 4 Change march with many pangs of regret, but a clear conscience; I did what I had to do. I played and I sent my very best wishes to all those participating in Time 4 Change.

I did this having pointed out to the organisers well in advance that if they had been campaigning for another capitalist owner, I would not support them, even if I agreed with everything else they said. The only way to safeguard the club's future is with all of us as equal, democratic members; another capitalist will only line his own pockets in the way Westwood, Seymour, McKeague, Hall, Shepherd and Ashley have. It is up to the entire NUFC support, democratically as a collection of equals, to bring pressure on Ashley to give the club back to us. Only then can we move forward; if the demand of Time 4 Change is Ashley OUT and A. N. Other IN, the future wellbeing of NUFC would not be assured; be aware, NUFC have already replaced Louis XVI with the Reign of Terror. Let us avoid Bonapartism.

Was it hypocritical of me to urge others to attend the march when I knew there was a good chance of me not being there? Definitely. Is it acceptable for me to comment on the events of that day and the motives of those who did not attend? Well, moving on from the spirit of Maoist jiǎntǎo by which I’m aware that my mendacious call to arms was mischievously born, I would wish to invoke the name of the recently departed Seamus Heaney. He attended neither the Bloody Sunday march of 30^th January 1972, nor the subsequent funerals but, at the urging of Luke Kelly from The Dubliners penned The Road to Derry as a tumultuous epitaph for those murdered in Derry that day -:

On a Wednesday morning early I took the road to Derry

Along Glenshane and Foreglen and the cold woods of Hillhead:

A wet wind in the hedges and a dark cloud on the mountain

And flags like black frost mourning that the thirteen men were dead.

The Roe wept at Dungiven and the Foyle cried out to heaven,

Burntollet’s old wound opened and again the Bogside bled;

By Shipquay Gate I shivered and by Lone Moor I enquired

Where I might find the coffins where the thirteen men lay dead.

My heart besieged by anger, my mind a gap of danger.

I walked among their old haunts, the home ground where they bled;

And in the dirt lay justice like an acorn in the winter

Till its oak would sprout in Derry where the thirteen men lay dead.

Clearly, I would not claim this blog has the touch of genius that is imbued in Heaney’s words, but as a writer I am beholden to interpret events that concern my community. I do so in the full knowledge that by doing so I am exercising my right to free speech and to express opinions on matters in the public domain; what I have to say is not directed at any one individual, but is a general comment on a particularly tendency towards snobbish disengagement that I find disappointing and wrongheaded. Anyone who wishes to object to this is, in effect, denying me my democratic right of free speech as I am not targeting any individual, either by name, repute or inference, in this piece. Please understand that I have no wish for any tedious arguments of insidious intent; the start and end of my purpose for composing this piece is to ensure that Newcastle United will, at some point in the future, be owned by the fans and run for the benefit of the fans. There is no hidden agenda or ulterior motive behind my words.

In respect of this, what I wonder most profoundly about are the motives of those websites, bloggers, messageboard dwellers and self-elected cultural gauleiters among the Twitterati who sought to oppose the existence of and denigrate the participants of the Time 4 Change march. Cynicism I can understand, despair I can almost sympathise with and faceless cyber terrorism I can ignore as the deluded ramblings of brains damaged by too much exposure to motorsport, but the ulterior personal motives and nasty digs at participants and organisers, by those who smugly sat idly by, disgust me. Do those who scorn the Time 4 Change organisers not realise the effect their inaction has?

On Thursday 17^th October, my colleagues in NASUWT and NUT took strike action to fight for better pay. My union was not part of the dispute, though we are in the process of balloting for industrial action. As I pointed out on Facebook, I came across little dissent against this strike on my time line as I have a basic policy of not being friends with anyone who is a pro Tory scab; though I did note with grave displeasure and distaste that certain schools were remaining open on that day. However the events of that day were soon overtaken by what has come to be known as The Battle of the Little Big Hat, which has raised the incredibly important question; what do people mean by the phrase Against Modern Football?

That must be a debate for the future, but suffice to say that what I found far worse than the educational scabs who did Gove’s handiwork by keeping schools open last Thursday, and I’m not prepared to indulge them by discussing the possibility of false consciousness in their ranks, were the bona drag popinjays in their Weir hats, looking down their noses at the anti-Ashley marchers. While some were of the opinion that the march was futile, a view which I disagree with but can understand, so many others seemed to base their criticism on the presumed attire of the protestors. A Wonga shirt may be inexcusable on every level, but its sartorial quality is of minimal importance. To use the dress sense of an imagined constituency of NUFC’s support as reason to effectively vindicate the actions of Mike Ashley is a far greater error of judgement than buying a piece of nylon for £50 from Sports Direct, especially if the antagonistic non-participant regards himself as one of those fans who “gets it” and is Against Modern Football.  Frankly these effete narcissists, rather than the inert handwringers of NUST are the UDM of NUFC's support; shallow, apolitical, vain Roy Lynks in their Casual Connoisseur cagoules. Those not attending Saturday's march, while sneering in the pub at those who did, regardless of whether they were wearing a Weir hat or an NUFC home shirt, behaved in a way that is 2013's equivalent of holidaying in Sun City while Soweto rioted.

Now I don’t know any of the people who adopted the antagonistic stance to the Time 4 Change march other than by their cyber footprint, but I do hope the reason they didn’t participate was because of what I felt was a poorly written, pseudonymous piece in true faith against football casuals. A Stoke City fan of my acquaintance contacted me to explain who Andre Marti was as I’d no idea and to ask if I’d written it; I was dismayed by this question on several levels. Firstly, I had written what I felt was a far better, more nuanced piece on a similar subject in Stand AMF issue #2, which was posted here last November (http://payaso-de-mierda.blogspot.co.uk/2012/11/dressing-down.html). Secondly, I have not written for true faith since issue #50 in 2006 and will never do so again. Thirdly, I was most dismayed by the idea that people would assume my authorship of it. I’m disappointed no-one other than my Stoke City supporting acquaintance asked me directly about this, though a long-standing Newcastle United fan and former contributor to true faith knew that it was not by me. He also suggested that the pseudonymously authorship was an attempt at possibly setting me up; I very much doubt this was the case, though I’m sure true faith would be only too happy to set the record straight that I had nothing to do with the article in question. Bearing in mind their support for Time 4 Change I would imagine that they would be mortified to think their article was written by me or, more crucially, affected attendance at the march, though no doubt they’d be less concerned with the flak I copped for it, at the time of publication and again last Thursday when my strategy of trying to provoke the well-dressed into examining their motives for non-attendance was an abject failure.  

While I regret my atrocious choice of tactics, it is my contention that the self-elected uber fans in their designer garb should face the fact their lack of engagement with the demo shows them not to be operating on a higher intellectual and moral plain to those who marched, or even those who affected baffled disengagement from any desire for regime change, but to be fractionally away from charges that they are shallow collaborators in NUFC's slow demise. I know that neither the Men at C&A nor the blokes from Primark are part of organised groupings, as both the casuals and shirters in NUFC’s support are all individuals with nothing other than a similar choice of clothing to bind them together; this is precisely why they need to engage with Time 4 Change as it represents the best hope for NUFC’s support to find a coherent voice. If Time 4 Change can unite Number 9, Newcastle Fans United, The Mag, true faith and www.nufc.com, it can provide a location for the poorly or superbly dressed unaligned fan as well. The fashionistas may say they are Against Modern Football, but it seems by their inaction they are in acceptance of the status quo. They need to roll their Distant Echo sleeves up; one of these days Sports Direct will be exclusively selling the Weir Vichy, which will have WONGA picked out in tar and feathers. Where will they be then?

So, the march was a success; that much is certain. What is now of massive importance, much more so than the question of regional bragging rights this Sunday (personally I’m thinking of taking in the Falcons against London Irish at the same time to avoid it), is where the campaign goes from here. We need to build on our unity and increase support for the purpose of driving Ashley out and bringing 100% Fan Ownership in. The other question that must be returned to very soob is whether Against Modern Football is an empty slogan or a call to arms for all fans intending to reclaim the game.  I strongly urge a debate on that topic among all football fans, but especially those of Newcastle United, regardless of how they dress.

Disce Puer Aut Abi……