Careful now.....

If you read last week’s blog, you’ll no doubt have picked up on the fact that I’m a bit of a bibliophile. While the pretentious, post-modern analysis of football from a smug, pseudo-intellectual standpoint was the main motivating force behind my creation of this blog, I’ve enough love of both books and music to give those two passions an equal billing with my sporting life. In contrast, you may have noticed I’ve not got a great deal to say about representations of the moving image; in general I don’t go to the pictures and other than watching the news, Match of the Day and The Football League Show, television is frequently outside of my cultural domain.

While I’m not fully in accord with Holden Caulfield (If there's one thing I hate, it's the movies. Don't even mention them to me. J.D. Salinger Catcher in the Rye, opening page), I really can’t abide the cinema, as a building. In our 6 and a half years together, Laura and I have been to the pictures twice; to see Control and The Damned United, which if you know either feature, make for predictable choices. It’s not films themselves I don’t like, as I regularly watch DVDs and downloads of films (generally selected by Ben and purchased by me), it’s the sitting still and being quiet for 2 hours, in the the midst of the great unwashed that I can’t handle, although I used to love those little tubs of Haagen Dazs at the old Warner Brothers at Manors. Sadly, I must concur with Jean-Paul Sartre; “hell is other people.”

Television is another thing entirely; 99% of what is spewed in to our living rooms is mind poison, bereft of wit, intelligence or imagination, designed purely to sedate the populace and I avoid it at all costs, regardless of the reputation of certain shows. Sopranos? Missed it. The Wire? Never seen a second of it. Don’t get me wrong; there have been shows in the past that I adored, generally comedies and cop shows. To this day I’m word perfect on every episode of Fawlty Towers, The Sweeney and Father Ted.

The latter show was voted the best ever comedy shown by Channel 4 in its 30 year history, defeating other classic sitcoms like The Inbetweeners, The IT Crowd and Peep Show, on one of those Saturday evening list shows, broadcast the night Newcastle lost 2-0 at Chelsea. The same day had marked an FPX reunion, involving the Vitoria-Gasteiz and Low Fell branches taking in Percy Main’s 4-0 walloping of Rutherford and then some delicious hand pulled ales in the NE29 and NE30 areas. We’d watched the first half of the Newcastle game, but once it got to 2-0 Chelsea, the die had been cast. We supped up and sought out real ale bars without televisions.

Wandering back home, slightly squiffy, just before 10 (rock and roll or what?), I opted for the aforementioned Channel 4 list show in preference to Match of the Day’s fawning and slavering over the rebirth of Fernando Torres. Afterwards, there was an airing of the episode The Passion of St. Tibulus, where Dougal and Ted mildly protest against a supposedly blasphemous film, by standing outside the Craggy Island Cineplex, carrying placards bearing the less than hysterical slogans Careful now and Down with this sort of thing. It is a tribute to the show’s enduring appeal that no political demonstration or protest in Ireland to this day would be complete with homemade banners proclaiming Down with this sort of thing or Careful now.

Other than classic comedy, I do have a bit of a soft spot for police procedurals, especially when they’re tinged with nostalgia; Life on Mars was an absolute must-see and while New Tricks may be as lame as a geriatric pit pony, I enjoy it. However, the current show I really enjoy is Inspector George Gently, mainly because I can actually remember a time when Tyneside looked, sounded and felt the way it does in that programme. I must say I’m not a particular fan of Geordie themed programmes; as a kid I did like When the Boat Comes in, but when Auf Weidersehen Pet was shown, I found the stereotypical portrayal of North East males and concepts of maleness to be embarrassing and almost impossible to justify to those I associated with a quarter of a century ago, when living in Ireland for series 1 and London for series 2, even if I did try my best to stick up for my city and my football club.

However, while Oz, Dennis and Neville were all dyed-in-the-wool Newcastle United fans, both as characters and in real life, I don’t think Auf Weidersehen Pet is relevant to Newcastle United at this particular moment in time. In contrast, the actions and activities of Inspector Gently and placards bearing the slogan Careful now are absolutely crucial to understanding where the club is at this moment in time.

Where is the club at this moment in time? Well, the start to the season hasn’t been the most inspiring; after the encouraging win over a timid Spurs side (I loved Pardew clouting the linesman; “he shoves who he wants”), the Chelsea defeat was perhaps overdue, especially after 4 unbeaten trips to Stamford Bridge, culminating in last May’s glorious 2-0 victory, courtesy of Cisse’s magnificent double. The 2-1 stumble past Atromitos on aggregate wasn’t a fluke, but it was very far from being straightforward; not just because the score line was too tight for comfort, but because of the shapeless, limp and uninspiring play by so many of the back-up players who singularly failed to grasp the opportunity afforded to them, other than perhaps Vukic and Obertan. Perhaps the person we should be most grateful towards should be referee Stephan Struder for not giving a penalty against Tim Krul when he clearly upended Chumbinho, after dropping a routine shot from Epstein. However, on a quid pro quo basis, we’re paying for that good fortune with a mini injury crisis: Ryan Taylor, Cheik Tiote, Shola Ameobi and now Danny Simpson are all unavailable, which has added fuel to the fire of a restive fan base.

The big problem among the support wasn’t the poor performance against Atromitos, it was the fact that transfer deadline passed without further addition to the squad. Unbelievably, the Debuchy and Douglas acquisitions weren’t concluded, so we failed to add to our defence or attack, though the latter didn’t surprise me. As I’ve said before, I thought any deal for Andy Carroll was dead in the water once it became clear Demba Ba was staying on Tyneside, though there were twinges of sadness when he looked so effective for West Ham on his debut against Fulham. The surprising arrival of Anita, who looks a decent player, seemed to pave the way for the departure of Tiote or Cabaye; when neither of them left, it seems clear Pardew was told he had nothing to spend. Add to this the fact that our only realistic chance of a shot at domestic silverware, the ludicrously named Capital One (League) Cup, seems unattainable for another season after we drew Manchester united away and you can understand why the mood among certain sets of fans was becoming decidedly tetchy.

The fact I could simply switch off from our 2-0 defeat at Chelsea, by going to a different pub at half time, shows I have reached that level of detachment and disengagement with the club, meaning I don’t get carried away by the whole hysterical breast beating and tearful ranting that accompanied the transfer deadline passing. I had initially explained the situation to both myself and any poor sod unfortunate to be stuck within earshot by reference to Inspector George Gently. Last week I believed the intemperate support and mischief making fourth estate are represented, in synecdoche, by Sergeant John Bacchus: emotional, overwrought, mercurial and quixotic locals, often unable to see the wood for the trees. In contrast, Ashley, Pardew and Llambias are Inspector Gently incarnate; intelligent, perceptive, undemonstrative outsiders from the south east, up here to sort things out for the natives. Then, the Villa game gave a chance for the anti-Ashley murmurings to become a chorus, not a deafening one, but loud enough to require the issuing of a need for perspective, both for the already restive ranks and my previously unflappable self; rather than heading back down the queasy emotional rollercoaster of conflict, to a soundtrack of “Get out of our club,” it is time for us all to be Careful now….

Let’s be honest, the first half against Villa was rank. While Stephen Ireland played out of his skin, Newcastle handed the initiative to the previously pointless visitors with some woeful crossing, immobile attacking and lame tackling. It is no surprise that we are currently the worst tacklers in the Premier League. Sadly, we are struggling with several players who are badly out of form; Ba, Cabaye, Cisse, even Krul (though he is yet to be punished for suspect handling) are shadows of last season, thus far, while we also have the burden of the mini injury crisis and the effects of such modest close season transfers, even if it must be stated Bigirimana was fabulous against Villa in the second half; perhaps he is really Baby Cheik?

Unsurprisingly, Monday’s Chronicle was full of doom and gloom, despite Ben Arfa’s brilliant equaliser and the fact Cabaye was millimetres away from winning it (if Shay Given had been playing, he’d never have stopped it). One gloomy customer said the Villa game demonstrated “the folly of Ashley and Pardew’s non-efforts in the transfer window for all to see,” despite Anita and Bigirmana having great games. Another Stalinist revisionist stated “Ba and Cisse don’t look like a natural partnership. It is time to give Marveaux his chance,” despite the fact they did look the business last season, both for us and Senegal and that Marveaux was absolute bilge versus Atromitos.

Obviously a bad result, following on from a poor performance and the lack of signings has brought the mood of the support down quite low and I include myself in that. The crucial question is whether there is an element of overreaction coming in to play, or if the gloom is justifiable as we’ve missed a big opportunity to push on by not “signing big,” whatever that may mean these days. Well, before we start burning effigies of the manager on Barrack Road, let’s see what the next month of Premier League games has in store; Everton (A), Norwich (H), Reading (A) and Man Utd (H), as well as Man Utd in the League Cup and Europa games away to Maritimo and home to Bordeaux. Perhaps after these 7 games, we’ll be better placed to decide whether gently does it, or whether it really is time to bring Xisco back home. If you’re tempted by the latter, you’d best be Careful now….