Wednesday, 2 March 2011

The Parting Of The Ways

June 7th 1979 saw the first direct elections to the European Parliament in the United Kingdom. While votes were cast on a Thursday, they were not actually counted until Sunday 10th, as the other member states voting had their polls on that day. Barely a month after Britain had become a Fascist Police State following the victory of the Tories under Thatcher, the European election results were similarly depressing, as 60 Conservatives and 17 Labour were returned to Strasbourg.

I recall watching David Dimbleby and Bob McKenzie, sans swingometer as there were no previous elections to base their psephological calculations on, showing a colour graphic of the results of all the EU states, with left wing winners in red, centrists yellow, conservatives blue and others grey. From a distance of 32 years I recall one country was shaded differently; that country was Ireland where, regardless of the political hue of those elected, the only colour used was green, despite the fact that 4 of the 15 seats were taken by the allegedly socialist Labour Party. Dimbleby explained that the only difference between the two main Irish parties, Fianna Fail and Fine Gael were what your grandparents’ opinions about partition had been 60 years previously, which caused the Canadian McKenzie to guffaw loudly.

Irish politics had first entered my consciousness aged 4 in 1968 when I asked my dad what the Clancy Brothers song The Bold Fenian Men that he was so fond of singing along with, was actually about. Same as when he explained to me what the word circumference meant when I’d seen the term used in relation to the size of football prescribed by the laws of the game, I didn’t really understand what he told me, but I nodded earnestly in agreement as he explained. Mind, 43 years on, Ireland, the Clancy Brothers and football are still probably the three subjects I’m most passionate about.

I think I probably started to form an opinion about Irish politics in August 1975. One Friday night late in August, Eamon de Valera’s death was marked by a BBC1 profile of the man. It was shown directly after the 9 O’Clock News, in place of the final, never to be screened, episode of a long forgotten satirical show called Beneath The News, which mildly irritated me at the time. However I watched the programme and, as someone who’d decided aged 9 that I was a Communist, I promptly became a Republican as well. Politically, not much has changed for me since then, though I tend only to remember the Republicanism in song when I’ve had a few. I’m intending that for this weekend coming when my friend John McQuaid, now of Maynooth County Kildare but from Boyle in County Roscommon, pays his bi-annual visit to see Newcastle fail to win at home. We’ll sink a few pints, sing a few songs and no doubt discuss the results of the Irish General Election.

In brief, following the allocation to the 166th and final seat to Fine Gael’s Sean Kyne at 8.30am on Wednesday 2nd March, over 100 hours after polls had closed on Friday 25thFebruary, the scores on the doors are, Fine Gael 76, Labour 37, Fianna Fail 20 (only 1 in Dublin), Sinn Fein 14, United Left Alliance 5 and Independents 14. At one stage, former players with Sporting Fingal offered to act as TDs for Galway West, Laois Offaly and Wickow as the counts were taking so long. As ever, the result means no overall majority. Fianna Fail were the last party to achieve this in 1977, which makes their net loss of 61 seats this time around so glorious. Mind, considering that during their last administration they jettisoned one Taoiseach, Bertie Aherne, when stories of fiscal impropriety began to surface daily, then saw another Brian “Biffo” Cowan preside over the economic disintegration of the country and an alleged bail out that left most Irish people materially worse off at any time since independence, before finally choosing the humourless and confrontational Michael Martin, a man who makes Padraig Pearse seem like Emo Phillips, as the leader chosen to preside over the greatest electoral hiding in the history of the state.

One of John’s 4 TDs in Kildare North is the Labour Party’s Emmet Stagg, brother of the late Vol. Frank Stagg who died on hunger strike in Wakefield Prison in 1976. Emmet’s three main claims to fame are that he went against the wishes of his dead brother's widow, by having Frank buried in the Stagg family plot, rather than in the Mayo Republican graveyard in Ballina, as Frank had wished for, that he was told to fuck off by Green Party TD Paul Gogarty in the Dail during a debate on pension reform and that he was arrested by Gardai in a public toilet popular with male prostitutes in Phoenix Park, Dublin, though no charges were brought.

Stagg is one of 37 Labour TDs, which represents a high water mark for the Party. Do not be deceived; they are as much the enemies of the working class as David Milliband’s shower this side of the water. Pat Rabbitte may have gained credibility for bollocking Pat Carey on Prime Time (please look for this on YouTube if you’ve not seen it), but his party, despite including the ever more discredited and atrophying remnants of the Workers’ Party / Democratic Left, are currently in talks with the dismal descendents of The Blueshirts about getting hold of power. While Dev’s grandchildren in Fianna Fail have failed, The Kerry Sex Aid’s offspring are closer to Emmet than Frank in the Stagg Party stakes.

Context is required; Fianna Fail, whose name is often translated as Soldiers of Destiny, were formed by Eamon de Valera in 1926 and, since forming their first administration in 1932, have been in power for 61 of the last 79 years, with their longest stretch in opposition being just over 4 years between March 1973 and July 1977. Their ideology is allegedly social democratic, but they are in fact rabidly socially conservative and in love with mammon more than any other political party in the known world. After de Valera moved upstairs to the Irish Presidency, the party was led successively by Sean Lemass, Jack Lynch, Charlie Haughey, Albert Reynolds, Bertie Ahern, Brian “Biffo” Cowen and currently by the atrichorous Michael Martin, who bears no resemblance to any other person of that name. De Valera, Lemass and Lynch were of the flint faced, GAA playing Pioneer pin tendency, while from Haughey onwards, Fianna Fail leaders have uniformly been a rapacious collection, of shifty, shiftless, corrupt, grasping, lying bastards who should have been drummed out of the state and drowned somewhere in mid Atlantic. Martin, conscious of the reputation of his party as the best and last refuge of boozy, smug, corrupt cute hoors and gombeens, is now trying to bring back a bit of the Jesuit to Fianna Fail. If there's any justice, he’ll be as successful as Biffo was in running the State. In other words, a complete shambolic disaster of epic proportions.

Fine Gael, allegedly a kind of Celtic Soft Tory Party, though they’ve never been in power without the support of the Labour Party, were formed in 1933. They were home to the Irish Fascist brigade, The Blue Shirts as they were known, under the command of Eoin O’Duffy. Subsequently Fine Gael have spent decades trying to throw off that stain on their soul, and they’ve been partly successful, having been coalition partners 6 times, with a seventh in the offing. Since I’ve been taking notice of these things, Garrett FitzGerald, a boring, patronising West Brit snob, has been their most notable leader and Taoiseach, with non-entities Alan Dukes, John Bruton and Michael Noonan following him, before current leader, the detestable, smarmy, dwarfish, intellectual pygmy Enda Kenny took over. If Kenny is the answer to Ireland’s problems, then I’d hate to know what the question was in the first place. He'll be a complete and utter disaster as Taoiseach, not just because he's a prick, though that is a factor, but also because of the ridiculous return to slavery deal cut with the IMF by Biffo and his pals, and the fact that Fine Gael and Labour are yet more old wine in newish bottles. Eventually they'll come to their senses and realise capitalism is finished, a conclusion that is inescapable when the fate of Ireland over the last decade is examined.

Kenny’s government will no doubt be bolstered by The Labour Party, who used to be led by former rugby international, the legendary Kerry Sex Aid himself, Dick Spring; a man so bland he would have failed a personality test, whose role in politics appeared to be Ernie Wise to Garrett Fitzgerald’s Mike Winters. After the failure of subsequent leader Ruari Quinn to be recognised in a Gardai ID parade by his own family, former lefty Pat Rabbitte took over for a while. Now while he was great on telly, Rabbitte’s main dealings as leader were in destroying any Socialist principles the Labour Party had. He’s been replaced by Eamonn Gilmore, who seemed to be the only person who wanted the job. As Fianna Fail had failed and Fine Gael have a dodgy history, Labour picked up their record number of seats simply by being neither of the other two.

Irish politics has long had time for a protest vote party. Between 1985 and 2007 the Progressive Democrats, a kind of D4 equivalent of the SDP were in existence, even being in coalition with Charlie Haughey’s lot at one stage, but these collection of FF and FG rejects disbanded just in time to allow the Greens to take 6 seats in 2007. The fact they have none now shows just how successful they are. The fourth party now is Sinn Fein. Sir Gerald Armani resigned his Westminster sinecure to help the Die Hards take 14 seats on a bizarre platform of social inclusiveness and a strong law and order element, that included a desire for more police on the beat; no doubt attired in balaclavas and answering to the name of P O’Neill.

As well as the Boys, there are now 14 Independents, ranging from Wexford Youths FC chairman Mick Wallace, a failed property developer and Juventus season ticket holder, who looks like Peter Stringfellow reared entirely on Black Porter and rasher sandwiches, to Waterford’s former Stickie John Halligan, to Jackie Healy Rae’s glove puppet son Michael, who is no doubt eager to carry on the cretinous leprechaun tendency in Leinster House. Interestingly Luke “Ming The Merciless” Flanagan, who originally stood on a Legalise Dope ticket a decade ago, is now TD for Longford Roscommon. I bet him and Sir Gerald can have a good auld craic about ganja and where to sell it, though they may differ in what to do buy with the profits.

However, there are some diamonds in the mouth of the corpse of Irish democracy. Ming Flanagan is one and John Halligan is another, but the 5 shining lights are the seats won by Joe Higgins, Clare Daly, Joan Collins, Richard Boyd Barrett and Seamus Healy for the United Left Alliance, whereby the Socialist Party, People Before Profit and Unemployed workers Union have come together to say unequivocally that neither Fine Gael and Labour's supine continuation of Fianna Fail's incompetent treachery, nor Sinn Fein's bizarre mix of obsessive Political Correctness and butter before guns Republicanism will advance the material conditions of ordinary Irish people one iota. That, as much as Kevin O'Brien and Alex Cusack's magnificent bludgeoning of English bowlers at the Cricket World Cup, is reason to celebrate with a few of Ronnie Drew's greatest hits on Saturday night.

Monday, 21 February 2011

The Road To God Knows Where

As a parent I’ve got a lot of failings, I accept that. However, what I have instilled in my son from an early age are the virtues of sarcasm, intolerance, ultra left wing politics and a tremendous taste in music. Never mind the concept of Rock Dad, my young’un (well he’s a 6ft2 prop forward and turns 16 in June) has been brought up by the Indie Parents. Consequently we had intergenerational moshing at the British Sea Power gig at the Tyne Theatre on February 14th. It was a very successful Valentine’s Day, unlike last year when I booked a table for Laura and I. How was I to know she hated snooker?

Talking about falling out of love, the repeated tirades by St Niall Quinn towards his Mackem constituents get funnier by the second. Ever since the Drumaville Paveys parked their Hiaces on the SoS forecourt, all Newcastle fans have heard from all sections of the media both local and national, is how well the Unwashed are run compared to the goings-on at SJP. Despite Charlie Chawke’s Circus People rumbling off in to the distance, to be replaced by shadowy American billionaire Ellis Short, the unchallenged mantra among print and broadcast commentators is that the ruling elite on Wearside are doing things so much better than those on Tyneside. Frankly, to anyone who believes in proper fan ownership, being asked to make a choice between Short or Ashley is like asking whether you’d find Mubarak preferable to Gaddafi. These club-owning oligarchs are modern day despots; do not delude yourself otherwise. Quinn, who either pimped the club he purports to love or astutely secured investment funding from a surprising source, depending on your view, trousers the thick end of £1m per annum in basic salary payment, which isn’t bad considering he presided over a business that turned in a £26m annual loss for 2009/2010.

However, despite his unconvincingly dyed hair, smarmy grin and bland populism, it was undeniable that Quinn seemed less of a walking public relations disaster than the Ashley and Llambias operation has been. That is until Mr Charity started to veer wildly “off message” after the Darren Bent transfer. Whatever one’s response to that deal (hysterical amusement in my case), it is a cast iron fact that money talked. I could have accepted Bent’s logic if he’d been honest and said he was off to Villa Park simply because he wanted to double his already fantastic salary, but I saw no truth in his claims that he was going to further his England chances by moving to a bigger club. Much as it pains me to say it, the Mackems were one of only 8 Premier League teams who started this season with no fear of relegation, as were Villa, until O’Neill walked out on them. Houllier’s administration will probably keep Villa up, but they have now joined the doubting dozen and turned it in to the terrified thirteen, all of whom have the single stated aim of finishing at least 17th. Will the Mackems’ tribulations turn it in to a fearful fourteen, or are they ready to implode any day now?

On the face of it, the £24m that sunderland made from the Bent deal ought to have been enough to push them on to improve the squad (as with anything to do with the North East, naysayers will be jumping up and down to make comparisons with Ashley’s £35m for Carroll; it simply isn’t relevant here to compare the two teams, as everyone knows Ashley has no intention of spending any cash he receives), especially as a so-called “well run” club they would want to push on. Instead, they signed a bargain replacement in Sessegnon, presumably as replacement for Huns-bound David Healy, and took the terminally grumpy and unreliable Muntari on loan, but for what purpose remains as yet unclear, making a nice, fat £18m profit in the transfer window. Sadly, as this money was earmarked to pay off part of the debt accrued by signing Bent in the first place; it is fair to say Fernando Torres was not on Steve Bruce’s shopping list.

Consequently, it has become crystal clear that Short is not prepared to bankroll them any longer. Presumably, Quinn bullshitted Short saying that a half decent sunderland side would sell their ground out. Instead, they’re still bumping along with an average of less than 40k attending, which bearing in mind the club’s growing debt, is worrying. While calling them the north east’s crisis club may be a little premature, they have lost 3 off the bounce, with some seriously tough fixtures ahead and the inescapable fact that were Short to pull the plug now, any deduction for going in to administration would see them plunged in to the bottom 3.

Perhaps these contextualising features help to explain quite why Niall Quinn has decided to go public over the fact he despises the 10,000 stayaways who have stopped watching sunderland. His scattergun ravings about on-line streaming and pubs showing questionably legal broadcasts of games on foreign channels seem to have divided a notoriously fractious support that are regularly to be found coming to blows with each other. Some slavishly mouth Quinn’s party line that the supporters are letting down the owners (not the club, interestingly enough), in an embarrassing show of obsequiousness not seen since Sir Alastair Burnet stepped down as ITV’s Royal Correspondent, while the more realistic elements point to the grave economic plight affecting the mackems’ heartlands. Quinn, mere days are claiming he’ll have to sell off the high earners and scale back the club’s ambitions if the ground remains a quarter empty, has even promised to tour pubs in the Seaham area, where he claims 50 licensed premises show games on match day, trying to drum up support. Bearing in mind his self confessed problems with heavy drinking in the past; this may not be a good idea.

While some have pondered whether all this ranting and raving is symptomatic of Quinn having a mid life crisis or suffering from work-related stress, much as Bob Murray (now being rehabilitated as a “proper” fan by certain on line loonies) was supposed to have suffered a nervous breakdown during the 19 point season, it appears more likely that Mr Charity is just planting the seeds of his exit strategy. Despite now being blessed with much in the way of academic achievements, Quinn has the wit and cunning of a Fianna Fail TD; his gombeen tendencies are evident in his take home pay and his ability to be taken for a cute hoor who’d be very much at ease in Fagan’s in Drumcondra can not be ignored. Whatever happens to the Mackems, it’s a knocking bet Quinn, who presided over 5 successive defeats whilst, statistically, the worst ever manager of sunderland, will walk away from the wreckage with his reputation and bank balance in tact.

Friday, 18 February 2011

Farce or Tragedy?

(First published in Percy Main v Alnwick Town programme 19th February 2011)

January 31st was Transfer Deadline Day; so crucial has this invented occasion become in our sporting calendar that it now deserves initial capitalisation, to suggest an identity and sombre gravitas it clearly does not merit. In the not too distant past, there was always a transfer deadline, but in the pre email era it used to be at 5pm on a Wednesday some time in March. It was a bit like the coming of Lent; an important event that you didn’t fully understand the relevance of, that wasn’t quite crucial enough in the wider scheme of things to get you a day off school.

While the biggest deal on January 31st 2011 was the departure of Torres for Stamford Bridge, the deal that affected me the most was a Tyneside club seeing their star striker, a home town boy with an unbelievable eye for goals and that little bit of devil in his character which had seen him in a few scrapes, heading off in to the distance for a fading giant with an uncertain future, in shaky recovery from the machinations of some dubious, former owners. However, the Newcastle Benfield fans I talked to on the Wednesday following, during their 3-1 victory over Northallerton in the Brooks Mileson League Cup, were philosophical about things and all wished John Campbell well after his move to Darlington, even if the Quakers got lamped 4-0 away to Luton on his debut. The lad was simply too good for the Northern League and had already been on trial, no pun intended, at Orient and Swindon, before signing an 18 month deal at Darlo, where he scored his debut goal in a 6-1 rout of Eastbourne on February 12th. In a way he followed the pattern of Richard Brodie, who left Benfield for York in 2006 and will line up for his Crawley side at Old Trafford in the 5th round of the FA Cup this weekend.

Elsewhere, North East crisis club sunderland lost three successive games in the wake of the departure of their star striker, whose mother had been racially abused by mackem fans not 18 months previous, to a club on the fringes of the relegation struggle, while their £1m per annum Chief Executive and apparent tireless charity worker Niall Quinn made a public announcement that he detested mackem fans who couldn’t afford to go to SoS for games. In addition menopausal misogynists Keys and Gray got the bullet from Sky for talking sexist bollocks and ended up on Talk Sport, which is the aural equivalent of Carling sponsoring an EDL march.

Meanwhile, in the alphabetical list of transfers on the BBC website Campbell J (Benfield – Darlington) was followed by the name of Carroll A (Newcastle – Liverpool) for the slightly higher fee of £35m. Not bad for a lad with only half a season’s regular top flight football behind him, not to mention a couple of brushes with the law and an injury that, if rumours are correct, will keep him out until the end of the season. £80k a week to sit around getting physio for 7 months is nice work if you can get it, even if the kid clearly did not want to leave the club, though frankly who can blame either him or Newcastle’s hierarchy for going for this deal; after all, January is a sellers’ market and Liverpool were decidedly cash rich. However, the timing is crucial and, as Biffa at http://www.nufc.com/ so perceptively put it, you can’t play a huge bag of cash up front.

As the deal unfolded on that Monday, it became abundantly clear Newcastle were time poor, to say the least, witnessed by the frankly desperate and utterly incomprehensible £12m bid for Charles N’Zogbia and rumours of a later move for Johan Elmander. Instead, Newcastle signed an injured Stephen Ireland on loan, sent Xisco and Wayne Routledge to their former clubs on gardening leave and then predictably lost Shola Ameobi for six weeks after a nasty elbow from Steve Sidwell in a 1-0 reverse at Fulham that the drama queen hand wringing tendency saw as imminent proof of certain relegation for The Magpies. Three days later, with papers, websites and local news still awash with reports of text messages and conversations between the parties concerned in the Carroll deal, all trying to pin the blame for the transfer on the other side, the astonishing recovery against Arsenal saw 4 goals scored and a point gained in extraordinary circumstances. That semi-mythical second half (I turned down a free ticket in order to watch the Ponteland game in the NFA Senior Benevolent Bowl) showed that this group of lads, to quote Chris Hughton, still had some spirit. Hopefully it is enough to get the team away from danger, though gaining 4 points away at Blackburn and Birmingham will also help.

Cheik Tiote, Joey Barton, Jose Enrique, Kevin Nolan and Fabriccio Coloccini are the ones who can keep Newcastle up, but undoubtedly the Andy Carroll deal means all of them, with the possible exchange of Gutierrez for Nolan, will go in the summer as the club has let them down by flogging the prize asset and replacing him with who? Well, as I stare at the photo of Andy Carroll that adorns the February page of my official Newcastle United calendar, the short term deal for Shefki Kuqi does not hint at a club looking to push on, does it? What the Carroll deal shows, considering all his weasel words from early December onwards and the cancellation of a Press Conference scheduled for 31st January that was rumoured to unveil Barton and Enrique as having penned new, long term deals, is that Pardew is a puppet of Ashley and Llambias. Just when a grudging note of acceptance was creeping in to the comments of Newcastle fans about the performances of the team, Stevenage excepted, following the managerial change, the empty rhetoric about keeping Carroll and augmenting an already thin squad shows Pardew to be either a bullshitter or easily manipulated by the club’s owner. However I did have to laugh at the angry, unguarded comments Llambias had about a sheet metal worker’s son and failed former Newcastle manager’s take on the Carroll deal -: “Do I care what Alan Shearer has to say? When he ran this football club [in 2009] we were relegated after picking up just five points from his eight games in charge." I hate to say it, but Del Boy is right!

Thankfully this year I managed to avoid Transfer Deadline Day, thus being spared the ordeal of watching a seemingly endless loop of a tumescent David Craig screaming in to a microphone on Barrack Road. Instead, I found myself in the rarefied environs of the Theatre Royal on Grey Street at an educational event hosted by Propeller Theatre Company in advance of their opening night of Shakespeare’s The Comedy of Errors. How appropriate it was that The Bard’s scarcely credible tale of the Antipholus twins and their constant problems with misunderstandings and false promises in Ephesus should be taking place on this day of all days. Frankly, it was excellent. I hadn’t laughed so much since I’d read the last NUST press release. Tragically, I was forced to miss the NUST AGM on January 31st as it coincided with the theatre. Well, actually it coincided with me grabbing a quick, pre performance coffee and Danish (pastry, not Hamlet) at Costa, as the NUST AGM was scheduled for 6pm on a Monday, no doubt to encourage maximum attendance. Or something.

In The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Arthur Dent wakes up one morning to find his house is about to be demolished. When he challenges the workmen’s right to do this, the foreman explains the necessary documentation had been displayed in the council offices, though Dent does point out said announcement had been kept in a locked filing cabinet in a tank of piranhas in an underground vault. Similarly, NUST booked not The Irish Centre, where all other meetings had been held, but a side room in the Literary & Philosophical Society (I’m not making this up). In the end, this was ample space as a grand total of 17 people, including 7 former members of the interim committee, turned up for an organisation that has had 500 at a public meeting before. What happened? Nothing of note, as NUST is now dead in the water. Having stated they were content with a loss of 1,000 members in the previous 12 months, on account of the fact those deserters had joined a Supporters’ Club and not a Supporters’ Trust, the current committee glossed over 2 recent resignations (one of whom Neil Mitchell wrote a fantastically insightful piece about his motives for doing so) and the continued suspension of another member, before co-opting someone I’d never heard of and announcing Mark Jensen, editor of The Mag, has stepped down as Chair to be replaced by Norman Watson, who’d came 8th in last year’s election. Frankly my contacts that were present said the whole evening seemed not so much a case of rearranging the deckchairs on the Titanic as flinging them in to the ocean to try and sink the lifeboats.

Frankly, the whole drama leaves me utterly unmoved. Indeed until such time as Francisco Jiminez Terjada returns to St James Park, I’ll stick with Percy Main and Shakespeare. Xisco, Xisco, wherefore art thou Xisco?

Friday, 11 February 2011

Tweeting in a Pardew Wonderland

(First published in "Toon Talk 4" on 5th February 2011)

One of the best things about dumping your season ticket and paying, or scrounging, on a match by match basis is that you don’t have to put up with the incessant whinging of the miserable sods nearby who’d been getting on your nerves for the previous decade and a half. You’re now free to sit anywhere you want in order to hear yet more irrational, misjudged, blinkered criticism. Since I vacated the Gallowgate Centre in summer 2009, I have to say I’m not missing the dulcet tones and the continuous complaints of a pair of miserable gets from Ashington or thereabouts who would start their monotonous moaning when the team were warming up and bring it to a crescendo by the hour mark before nicking off early for their bus.

This season I’ve sat in complete silence in the official NUFC Trappist section, level with the 18-yard box in the East Stand Lower and seen both Coloccini and Williamson fail to deal with an aimless punt forward, allowing Jason Roberts to criminally steal the points for Blackburn in a desperate game. I’ve groaned in frustration at our inaccurate play and willingness of some (mainly pissed) fans to slag off our players, on a particularly frustrating day in the Leazes West Centre against a pitiful Fulham, but at least this was a freebie. I’ve also shelled out £40 for the privilege of seeing 86 pulsating minutes against Manchester City from the back row of the Milburn Paddock. It was a great seat with a charming neighbours and a superb view; certainly I saw Carlos Tevez in the build up to the first goal when Tim Krul didn’t. Thus, the enjoyment of the last 86 minutes was rather spoiled by the fact I’d seen my £40 pissed down the drain in the time it takes to boil an egg. As a consequence, the seat I opted for when the Hammers came to visit was a comfy armchair in the corner of my living room, though I was leaping around quite a lot!

Another game where I didn’t set foot in the ground was Pardew’s debut against Liverpool. I could pretend this was because of a principled stance of support for Hughton and opposition to another incomprehensible kneejerk response by Ashley, though I’d be lying if I did. I was actually at Firhill, watching Partick Thistle 1 Ross County 1 as part of a long arranged weekend in Glasgow, mainly to see my favourite band Teenage Fanclub; you can read about it here http://payaso-del-mierda.blogspot.com/2010/12/maryhill-chain.html if you like. Blogs are important, as I’m about to demonstrate.

Following Hughton’s sacking, there was a great deal more heat than light generated by debate amongst Newcastle fans about how best to respond to this turn of events. I hate to say it, but the shameful, ragged away displays at Bolton and the Baggies were not acceptable and simply could not be allowed to continue. Obviously Hughton had been undermined and overworked by the lack of a replacement for Calderwood (and as a Hibs fan I’m not exactly delighted with his new job either), but I still had doubts as to whether he was turning in to the reincarnation of Richard Dinnis.

However, regardless of Hughton’s strengths or otherwise, the way Ashley runs the club is what is really under the microscope following Pardew’s lucky break. Even if it had been Jol or O’Neill who’d got the gig, questions about the current owners need to be raised, especially by those who have the power to raise them. Obviously good journalists like George Culkin and Simon Bird do their bit, but what about those who don’t need to be objective or professional? In one of those quirks of history, all 3 Newcastle United fanzines came out Liverpool weekend; while two of them, namely Toon Talk 3 and the highly promising debut issue of Black & White Daft, had great content and showed no dilution of the contempt at the way the club is run (though the less said about The Mag 253 as a campaigning vehicle the better), publishing deadlines had conspired against them. Hughton’s sacking had happened while they were at press, meaning only Toon Talk could respond interactively to events via the website, which showed a level of fury among fans that was almost reminiscent of September 2008 all over again. Of course, it may just have been hot air in some instances, but at least it gave a flavour of how fans were feeling.

It became abundantly clear in the days leading up to the Liverpool game that NUST were not interested in the slightest in co-ordinating or indeed being involved in any form of protest, official, organised or otherwise, against Ashley. When a statement appeared on their website on the Thursday, the NUST board, now shorn of their 3 most prominent, proactive, crusading members in the shape of Bill Corcoran and Neil Mitchell who had resigned in disgust at the Trust’s inertia in the post election period and Steve Hastie, who remains suspended for hitherto unexplained “disciplinary” reasons, which may or may not emerge at the long awaited NUST AGM, were obviously intent on seeing this particular war out in Switzerland. Their call to arms was as follows; “The Trust board believes in supporting the team and for the fans to decide for themselves what message they want to send out to both the club hierarchy and the global audience watching on TV… For fans to have real influence it has to be through a financial stake in their club, that is our aim and what we will pursue no matter who owns or manages this great club.” It’s not quite Lenin arriving at the Finland Station now is it?

With only Toon Talk among the fanzine fraternity showing any interest in any form of protest either outside or inside the ground, it was made abundantly clear to me that as technology moves on, so has our support. Concepts such as Blogs, Flashmobs or Twitter were unknown half a decade ago; these days they are the global cyber underground, ripe for spreading dissent and fomenting social unrest. Witness the spectacle of fifth formers and College students bunking off lessons to protest at education cuts, then closing Vodafone and Top Shop stores in protest at the legal tax dodging of their owners. These youngsters don’t organise public meetings to plan things, or have committee elections, they text, tweet or message the time and the place of the next protest. The next generation knows the importance of using social networking sites on laptops and phones because they provide an easy, free and immediate way to organise demonstrations. It’s not anti democratic; it’s totally democratic, in an anarchic way. There are no leaders and they cause maximum embarrassment to the furious ruling elite. Of course, a new wave of articulate, radical public speakers may emerge, but only time will tell if they are needed. At the minute, anarchic rabble rousing is proving far more effective than anything the National Union of Students is doing.

As Newcastle United fans, we need to learn from these young protestors and the technologically sussed members of our support. Spontaneous protests may not run Ashley out of town, but they’ll achieve more than the snails’ pace Fabianism of NUST. One of the most perceptive of Newcastle United supporters in the cyber field is Andy Hudson (http://ganninaway.blogspot.com/) who had this to say in the run up to the Liverpool game: Over a year ago (the day the YWC campaign launched) I made my feelings known to NUST that as a single entity they will split our fanbase…The correct tactic should have been a supporters organisation that would unite all of the fans that was not going to be afraid to campaign against anything that they believed was not just or in the fans interests and that organisation should offer full transparency to build credibility amongst the fanbase. NUST should've then operated alongside that… At this moment in time NUST is dead. Outside of the current members it has no credibility; within the current members' ranks it has lost too much credibility and should not be used for anything moving forward in the short term but as something to build links within the community (which it is doing well)… In the short term the fans need to unite - which is pretty much a given - and engagement needs to begin to motivate, reinvigorate the fanbase - in my opinion there cannot be any exclusions else that becomes a mirror of the current NUST board which is in turn mirroring Ashley's toxic regime.

The most important elements to Andy’s proposals are that he is both positive in his outlook and inclusive in his philosophy, which are two vital elements that appear to have got lost in the infernal, internal politics of NUST during the past year or so. Indeed, Andy’s points need remembering and while the Liverpool protest may have came to little, in the wake of 3 great points, terrible weather and the apparent willingness of huge sections of the Newcastle fanbase to pour vast quantities of cash, hand over fist, in to Ashley’s coffers on a match day, the use of interactive technology and social networking to provide an immediate and hopefully unequivocal response to Ashley’s future outrages can not be ignored.

As Paul Simonon said “you can crush us, you can bruise us, but you’ll have to answer to” a 5,000 strong, roaring mob who just won’t take any more shit. Well, one day hopefully….

Friday, 4 February 2011

Rock & Dole Years: 2007/2008

(Originally published in "Toon Talk" issue #4 in February 2011)

It’s now more than three years since Sam Allardyce was shown the door at St. James’ Park. With the benefit of hindsight, absolutely nothing at all to do with his brief, inglorious time on Tyneside, including such disparate elements as his appointment, tenure and sacking, makes any sense at all. However, the same can be said of his replacement Kevin Keegan’s odd and still to be fully explained or justified return to the SJP hot seat. 2007/2008 was an utterly insane season, considering we began it by contemplating Allardyce taking us back to the Champions’ League and ended it grateful that Keegan had kept us up, though it seemed a bastion of calmness and tranquillity when the following one is remember, but that’s for next time.

Looking back on the early Ashley era seems almost surreal, when one considers just how popular the now vilified owner was with supporters, basically simply for not being Shepherd. While both players inc and The Mag erred on the side of caution about the new regime, certain cyber hotheads were taking the idea of seeing Chris Mort and Ashley buying pints in Blu Bambu as a sign of the reawakening of the Geordie nation. How wrong they were, but in their wish to see Shepherd removed they’d never contemplated how much truth there could be in the cliché “better the devil you know.”

On the pitch, we had bid less than fond farewells to the frankly useless Babayaro, the highly individual talents of Titus Bramble, his bling buddy Kieron Dyer after 8 underachieving years, the cowardly Luque and the agricultural Craig Moore. While it was good riddance to bad rubbish for that lot, we did spend a moment saying thanks to Scott Parker, apparently homesick and the God-like genius of Nobby Solano, who both ended up at West Ham, Antoine Sibierski, when Wigan offered him a 2 year deal and Pav Srnicek, who retired.

In their place we welcomed a similar mixture of talented and terrible players. The good buys would have been Habib Beye, a quality defender, Abdoulaye Faye, a no-nonsense stopper, though with apparent anger management issues, Jose Enrique, who is still doing the business still and the portly Viduka, who was a world beater one minute and a liability the next. After three and a half years, the jury is still out on Joey Barton; for every goal versus Villa there is a punch on Morten Gamst Pederson, not even taking in to consideration his extra curricular activities. The bad buys really did stink; Rozenhal was as soft as shit and left for Lazio on 1st January, Cacapa was Titus with a Portuguese passport, Geremi appeared to be playing in slow motion and Alan Smith has still to convince me he is a footballer to this day.

Anyway, following a couple of encouraging friendly wins over Celtic and Juventus, the whole thing kicked off away to Allardyce’s old club Bolton on my birthday August 11th. A classic from Charles N’Zogbia and a Martins double saw Newcastle 3-0 up in half an hour, with a final score of 3-1 really setting the scene in emphatic fashion. The next week, we drew 0-0 at home to Villa in a dull game, though the needless booing at the end suggested Allardyce had very little margin for error among the SJP faithful. Newcastle fans again came under the spotlight the next week as we drew 2-2 in Smogland after twice leading. The barracking dished out to the eminently detestable Mido was taken up by the likes of Lousie Taylor of The Grauniad and other on-line cultural gauleiters, in the shape of polyversity Media Studies and Sociology drop-out bloggers, not to mention opportunistic Boro fans with an agenda to pursue, as racist chanting. It wasn’t. It was having a go at a detestable opposition player. End of story. Much to the chagrin of Lousie Taylor, the FA didn’t charge Newcastle United and as a consequence I’ve not read The Guardian since.

On the pitch Newcastle moved on from this shit storm in a tea cup to face Barnsley in the League Cup, when a brace by Martins and Owen saw us safely through, leading to a predictable 2-0 loss to Arsenal’s youth team at the Emirates in the last 32; ho hum.

September started with 1-0 massacre of Wigan courtesy of a lovely Owen header, before the first sign that Allardyce wasn’t up to it; we lost 1-0 away to Derby when Kenny Miller gave them their only win of the season in a game where Newcastle seemed utterly unable to pick their game up and create anything. A bounce back victory at home to West Ham was followed by a great first half away to Man City, where we went in a goal to the good, but fell apart to lose 3-1. We stood 9th at the end of the month and in the same place at the end of October, when home wins over Everton and Spurs were spoiled by a lame loss at Reading.

The main problem with Allardyce seemed to be his inability to switch tactics; it was his way or no way and, more surprisingly, given his ego, that he couldn’t motivate players. If we went a goal down, we were almost certainly snookered, but take the lead and we’d be okay. Sadly, we didn’t take many leads in November. The middle game of that month saw us draw 1-1 away to the Mackems when James Milner’s cross eluded Craig Gordon to give us a point we scarcely deserved, while the two home games that bookended this result effectively destroyed Allardyce’s credibility. The 1-4 massacre by Portsmouth, with them 3 goals up in 7 minutes, all courtesy of Cacapa and Rozenhal’s ineptitude, could possibly be seen as a fluke; the 3-0 banjoing by a Liverpool side in second gear could not. Make no mistake about it; these were the two worst ever home performances in the Premier League by Newcastle United. The repeatedly chants of “you don’t know what you’re doing” were right on the money. Allardyce had bluffed and bullshitted his way in to this job, where he’d quickly been found out.

A packed December programme saw a continued unacceptable mixture of results; a spineless 3-1 loss at Blackburn, a plucky 1-1 home draw with Arsenal, a 2-1 home win over Birmingham courtesy of a 90th minute Habib Beye header, a spawny 1-0 win at Fulham courtesy of Barton’s injury time penalty and a fluked 2-2 at home to Derby, courtesy of a late Viduka goal, when we ought to have lost, saw us 12th at Christmas. Predictably the festive period did us no favours; a 1-0 loss at Wigan, where the chants were “we’re shit and we’re sick of it,” before Barton went on a 12-hour bender, punched a young kid and ended up doing time, was followed by a 2-1 loss at Chelsea.

January started with a 2-0 home reverse by Man City that showed us as spineless as ever, followed by a truly woeful 0-0 away to Stoke in the FA Cup, which saw Allardyce removed from office. Typically enough, Ashley’s timing was neither logical nor helpful. Allardyce should either have been allowed to see the season out and then bulleted in the summer, as we were under no danger of going down, or not employed at all after Ashley took up the reins in 2007. The first game after his departure saw a 6-0 loss at Man United, where Alan Smith saw red for foul and abusive language, with Nigel Pearson in charge, offered no hope of immediate improvement. We needed a boss and it appeared as if one cockney wide boy would appoint another, with Redknapp looking to be the likely candidate. Imagine the shock on Wednesday January 16th, with a cup replay with Stoke only hours away, when Kevin Keegan was unveiled as the new boss.

Retrospect shows we should not have touched him with a bargepole; he was yesterday’s man, distanced from the modern game, running his Soccer Circus up in Glasgow and one can only speculate as to why he took the job. Yet Kevin Keegan united the fans, players and everyone associated with the club, bar Dennis Wise, until the end of that season. If he’d been given the title of Director of Football, rather than the odious taxi driver attacker, things may well have been very different in the long run, but Newcastle United, and Ashley in particular, like to do things the hard way, and sometimes the wrong way.

Despite Emre’s early red card, Keegan’s first game went well that night as we won 4-1 against a woeful Stoke, before losing 3-0 to Arsenal’s youth team at the Emirates in the last 32, again; ho hum.

We also lost 3-0 to them in Keegan’s first away game, which showed he didn’t really have the magic touch required to shoot us up the league. Indeed, it was to be 2 months and 8 games before he tasted victory. We drew at home 0-0 with Bolton and 1-1 with the Smogs, lost 4-1 at Villa, 5-1 at home to Man Utd, 1-0 home to Blackburn in the 93rd minute, 3-0 at Liverpool and stopped the rot with a good performance in a 1-1 at St Andrews. After 4 straight losses, perhaps the tide had finally turned.

Fulham were beaten 2-0 at home, then Spurs were humiliated 4-1 at the Lane after we’d gone a goal down, before Reading were blown away 3-0; 9 goals, 9 points and the best attacking displays of the season. This was followed by a 0-0 snooze at Portsmouth, before the Mackems were pulled to pieces 2-0. The first one saw a superb Geremi cross and a magnificent run and finish by Owen; two players who were held in contempt by Newcastle fans combined this day to produce the goods.

The season ended with us finishing 12th, after a 2-2 at West Ham and a brace of low-key losses 2-0 at home to Chelsea and 3-1 at Goodison. The former seemed to drive a wedge between Ashley and Keegan, when the manager on Sky TV post match basically admitted we’d never compete at the top of the table with the squad we had and the players Wise wanted to bring in, compared to the ones Keegan had in mind. It seemed a non-story at the time, but the events of the next few months proved that Newcastle United are only ever a heartbeat away from a major crisis. And 2008/2009 was a 12 month crisis from start to finish!

Friday, 14 January 2011

Hertsbleat

(Originally published in Percy Main v Shankhouse programme 15/01/11)

My mate Phil works in the oil industry. For the past couple of years he’s been in Kazakhstan, which has been a reasonable swap for Borat I guess; one unfunny middle aged politically incorrect workie ticket for another, so to speak. Anyway, Phil’s a Newcastle fan who hates watching the Magpies these days as it’s so stressful. Of course he hates other teams; Norwich City, as his mam always made the tea from a recipe idea in the Delia Smith cookbook every Friday, when everyone else on his street got their bait from the chippy, and Stranraer, on account of being stuck their 9 hours waiting for a ferry to Larne once. In fact, so profound is his dislike for the lads from Stair Park that he once knocked back a week’s overtime on the rigs to watch them at Aberdeen in the Scottish Cup years back, celebrating the Dons’ winner with unbridled fervour.

Personally I spread my net of hatred wider than Phil does. In no particular order I’ve contempt for sunderland, Everton, Rangers, Man City, Burragh, Hearts, Chelsea, Leicester, Spurs and so on and so forth. However, over the past few years, I’ve began to really develop a hatred for the poster boys of the chin-stroking, John Lennon specs wearing, polyversity Sociology and Media Studies cultural gauleiters among the espresso sipping non match attending cyber blogging community; I’m talking about AFC Wimbledon. Conversely I’ve started to adopt MK Dons as my second team as I really admire what they’ve done to bring football to that sporting desert. If the followers of AFC Wimbledon were so bothered about their side, they’d have watched them at Plough Lane, instead of following the egg chasers from Harlequins or Saracens instead.

Of course this season in the FA Cup there was a chance that the moral descendents of the 1988 FA Cup winners MK Dons would have played their UK Independence Party in lycra upstarts AFC Wimbledon in round 2. Sadly MK Dons misread the script by losing a first round replay at home to Stevenage, who won the play off between the unspeakable and the inedible by dumping AFC out in round 2, resulting in the reward of a home tie versus Newcastle United, which resulted in the kind of humiliating disaster that managed to knock the Mackems defeat at home to Notts County off the back pages. We’ll, we’d been there before hadn’t we?

Sunday 25th January 1998, FA Cup 4th round; Stevenage Borough (as was) of the Conference v Newcastle United of the Premier League. In a year that would see the Toongate scandal erupt less than two months later, with its unsavoury revelations of Freddy Shepherd and Douglas Hall’s attitude to Alan Shearer, not to mention the ludicrous sacking of Kenny Dalglish in August that year, this public relations disaster was perhaps the biggest fiasco in a whole series of wholly preventable own goals.

The moment the draw was made, after Newcastle had beaten Everton 1-0 at Goodison courtesy of an Ian Rush effort from 2 yards in a deplorable game, the Newcastle board and Dalglish started twisting that the game should be moved to SJP on safety grounds, which seemed like cowardice pure and simple, considering the team had finished second in the Premier League the season previous and played in the champions’ League not two months earlier. However the fact was in 1997, Stevenage had drawn Birmingham City at home in the third round of the cup, but had switched the game on police advice to St. Andrews, where they lost 2-0. The difference in 1998 was that Stevenage Chairman Victor Green, a wily self-publicist and typical boardroom tyrant, was able to play Newcastle and Sky TV off against each other. Murdoch’s money won out, under the guise of Corinthian fair play, and the game stayed at Broadhall Way, with a temporary stand erected to house the Newcastle fans, beamed out live on Sky. Prices had been increased to £25 to sit and £15 to stand from the normal cost of £5, supposedly to pay for increased stewarding. Odious, contemptible profiteering and no mistake! However, it worked, as the 8,040 crowd is a Stevenage record and higher than the ground’s current capacity.

One of my best mates from University Kevin lives in nearby Welwyn Garden City. He’s an armchair Arsenal fan, but fancied taking this one in. I trained it down Saturday morning, taking the opportunity to watch Barnet 3 Colchester 1 at Underhill, before heading up to Welwyn. After a pleasant night doing a few bars, Sunday dawned crisp and cool, so we made our way to Stevenage, about 15 miles north. Not having been there before, Kevin was told Broadhall Way was by The Roaring Meg. Naturally we assumed this to be a pub; it wasn’t, it is a shopping centre like Royal Quays or Silverlink. The only place to get a drink was Pizza Hut, where desperate Newcastle fans were ordering a dozen bottles of Bud to go with their garlic breads or soups of the day. We had a coffee then found the ground.

Back in 1987/1988, Newcastle had a temporary stand at the Leazes End while the Milburn was built; I never sat in it, as the Gallowgate Centre was my home in those days, but I refuse to believe it was as rickety as the groaning, shifting scaffolding and hardboard structure that housed me that afternoon. In the back row, typically enough; a plank of wood half way up my back was all that came between a 100-foot drop and me. The game, consequently and thankfully, was a blur; the returning Shearer scored a textbook header after 5 minutes from a Gillespie cross and we began to relax. Sadly, as is so often the case, Dalglish’s side went back in to their shells and invited the spirited home side to have a go on the awful, bumpy pitch. They did and Guliano Grazioli equalised. Thankfully it got no worse.

Coming away from the ground, it was obvious that the home support was largely made up of Spurs, Arsenal, Chelsea, QPR, Watford, West Ham, Man United and other cockney sides’ fans, all on the lookout for a cup upset. Obviously there may have been some real Stevenage fans, but they weren’t easily discernible. The real FA Cup story was to have been found 200 miles north the day before, when Tranmere had beaten sunderland 1-0, despite having a player sent off. Even more amusing, referee Rob Harris allowed Tranmere to substitute the sent-off Clint Hill. This became all the more amusing when the fifth round draw handed Tranmere an away tie against Stevenage or Newcastle. Unlucky Wearside!

Lucky Tyneside! Newcastle crawled home in the replay 2-1, with a Shearer double, when it seemed the first hadn’t fully crossed the line. This game provided me one of my toughest journalistic assignments; writing the match report from a Stevenage point of view for Non League Monthly, I was sat in the Press Box next to Ron Jones, who asked me not to smoke (I eventually took his advice in 2007) and Mike Ingham, who looked unnervingly like Peter Tatchell. In retrospect the £100 fee and chance to attend the Dalglish Press Conference (even if I couldn’t understand a word he said) made up for the sense of feeling a fraud and the tough 2,000 word assignment at the end of it.

So, 2011 and Newcastle United were away at Broadhall Way again, with ESPN picking this one out as their live game. As the FA Cup have now introduced the Ronnie Radford Award for Giantkilling, it was nice of Newcastle to obliging produce a craven, sickening non-performance to allow Stevenage to claim it for this year. “Walking In A Pardew Wonderland?” Not really.

Wednesday, 29 December 2010

Read all about me.....

As well as the up to the date stuff on here, there is also a bit of an Ian Cusack archive appearing on the net.
Steve Wraith's "Toon Talk" site has a selection of my "Rock & dole Years" season reviews of Newcastle United from 1995/1996 to 2006/2007 appearing at http://www.fansonline.net/newcastleunited/cats.php?cat=50
Dan Richardson's superb Slovak football site "Britski Belasi" has scans of articles I wrote for "Fly Me To The Moon" while living in Bratislava between 1999 and 2001. A new article appears each day at http://britskibelasi.footballunited.com/fly-me-to-the-moon/
While the only articles on the "When Saturday Comes" website not bleating about MK Dons are by me at http://www.wsc.co.uk/content/view/3184/72/
Read and enjoy (I hope)

Friday, 24 December 2010

Hyde & Freak

(An article submitted to the Football Supporters Federation magazine about a proposed feature on acceptable boundaries for chanting at football matches. The guide length was 400 words; I slightly exceeded that)

By profession I’m a lecturer in Further Education, so under the terms of my contract I am forced to head back to College on the day immediately after the Summer Bank Holiday. On Tuesday 28th August 2007, my return to work coincided with the last time I would ever buy “The Guardian,” a newspaper I’d read avidly and defended vigorously since my stridently left-wing views had codified during my mid teenage years, which fell on the cusp of the 70s and 80s. Sunday August 26th 2007 was also an important date for me, as it would be the last time I attended an away league game supporting Newcastle United. On that date, we Magpies, unaware as yet just how unimaginably catastrophic the Ashley administration would be, nor being fully immersed in the hateful anti football of the Allardyce interregnum after an acceptable start to the season, travelled 40 miles down the A19 to face Middlesbrough. The game ended in a surprisingly entertaining 2-2 draw, but the real story that emerged in the days ahead was to be found off the pitch, in the shape of deplorable chants by certain sections of the Newcastle support and the despicably opportunistic response to this by “The Guardian” and sections of the Boro support, both of whom seemed to glorify in the chance to have a go at Newcastle United to satisfy their own sometimes complementary, sometimes conflicting agenda. I’ll be honest; I don’t like Middlesbrough. However, that has nothing to do with regional rivalry as I’ve no concept of Newcastle v Boro being a derby game; our derby is against the Mackems, theirs is against Leeds (this season) or Hartlepool (next season). I dislike Boro partly because of arriving at Thornaby on the rattler in February 83 as a nervous 18 year old and being told by the local top plod “we can not guarantee your safety once you leave this train,” in advance of the most frightening 4 hours of my life, and partly because of Boro’s post 1995 reinvention as the epitome of wacky Sky TV fans in replica shirts, giant foam hands, curly wigs and face paint. Games between Newcastle and Boro, despite their enthusiastic adoption of a Ronald MacDonald style couture, have been played in an ever more poisonous atmosphere during the time I’ve been watching them. To be fair the ultraviolent ambience hasn’t been helped by Newcastle fans’ insistence on constantly singing about Dr Marietta Higgs and the 1987 Cleveland Child Sex Abuse scandal. These chants may have been topical once, but they have never been funny nor acceptable; however, the mindset of fans desperate to get a reaction from the opposition means that apparently no subject can be ruled as being beyond the bounds of taste or social acceptability, regardless of legal niceties. Consequently, Boro sought to trump such insults and raise the bar in terms of offensive ripostes during the October 2003 game at the Riverside, which took place after the ultimately unfounded “roasting” allegations against several Newcastle players, including Jenas, Bramble and Dyer,. This game saw the three mentioned booed mercilessly and constantly referred to as “rapists,” as were other black Newcastle players who had not been subject to any accusations, including Olivier Bernard and Shola Ameobi, who scored the winner. In the aftermath of that game, I had a long, frank conversation with Boro fanzine editor Rob Nichols and we both agreed that an atmosphere like that actually impaired our enjoyment of the game. It just wasn’t on; loads of idiots on both sides trying to outdo each other in terms of nastiness. However, it wasn’t the Nuremberg Rally; football matches seldom are cauldrons of hate speak. Here is perhaps not the place for a Gramscian analysis of social hegemony and how it relates to the implied and presumed power roles among football fans and their place within the Capitalist social matrix. Suffice to say such a complex deconstruction of the motivations and effects of attendance and conduct at football matches is the stuff of a PhD thesis. Broadly, my instincts are that football crowds nowadays are more representative of the entire spectrum of society than they were when I first started watching Newcastle in 1973. Obviously it is undeniably a good thing that football is a more inclusive spectator sport, though it does mean there may be a mismatch between what is seen as acceptable conduct to those who perhaps unknowingly march under the banner of workerist traditionalists, many of whom remember the 1970s as a time for trading punches and throwing petrol bombs with opposition football fans, and the more politically correct whose ideology has been inspired by those who had more dealings with Red Lion Square than the Red Army and spent the decade reading Socialist Challenge and Spare Rib, perhaps identifying enemies not by the colour of their football favours but by their political hues. Nowhere was the results of this mismatch more pronounced than in the fallout from the August 2007 game at the Riverside. The opposition centre forwards that day, who both found the net, were Mark Viduka, who’d arrived at St. James Park on a free transfer from Middlesbrough a month previously and the Egyptian former Spurs man, Mido. From the very start, Viduka was “a fat Aussie bastard” in the eyes of the Boro faithful, while Mido was “a paedo,“ according to a proportion of the away support. My recollections of the game were that in the first half, Charles N’Zogbia gave Newcastle the lead, before Mido equalised. His response to the goal was a frenzied in your face celebration in front of Newcastle fans, among whom he’d few friends following some theatrical diving during his time at White Hart Lane the season before. Mido was yellow carded for his celebrations and the away support upped the ante considerably, both in terms of noise and in terms of abuse. Possibly a quarter of the away support began to chant “shoe, shoe, shoe bomber” at Mido, because of his apparent resemblance, though it’s lost on me, to Richard Reid, described by Wikipedia as “a self-admitted member of al-Qaeda who pled guilty in 2002 in U.S. federal court to eight criminal counts of terrorism stemming from his attempt to destroy a commercial aircraft in-flight by detonating explosives hidden in his shoes…. Reid was born a British citizen in Bromley, South London, to Leslie Hughes, who was of white English descent, and Colvin Robin Reid, whose father was a Jamaican immigrant of African descent. “ The chanting at Mido was intense but sporadic; I didn’t join in, nor did I’d estimate at least half of the away following, though pro Newcastle songs were more popular. I didn’t join in because I thought the chant was stupid, offensive and unnecessary, though I did utter several loud “leave it out for fuck‘s sake“ at those in front of me (I was near the back of the away section) who were chanting it. I’ve no problem with telling racists to shut up at the game, or even having a quiet or less than quiet word with clowns who think they can get an easy laugh by making such comments, whether they believe what they are saying or not; in fact, in all sections of my life, whether I’m at work, in the pub, doing my shopping or walking down the street, I’ll stick my oar in when I hear an offensive remark. I think all anti racists have the same responsibility. Incidentally, not one person has ever stuck one on me for challenging their attitudes. Like much of the chanting at a football game, the “shoe bomber” references did not continue throughout the whole match. When Viduka put Newcastle ahead, the home fans again reminded us he was “a fat Aussie bastard” and when former Sunderland man Julio Arca tied things up at 2-2, he was informed that he was a “dirty Mackem bastard,” though the Argentinian had no references made to his nationality nor to the Malvinas War, which no doubt amazed and devastated the staff at “The Guardian.” Post match I phoned Rob Nichols for a chat about what we both agreed had been as a canny game and he informed me he’d heard none of the chanting directed at Mido, on account of the fact his seat in the north stand is at the opposite end of the stadium. This may seem a minor point, but in the context of the media shitstorm that was about to explode, it’s important it is made. The next day, August Bank Holiday Monday, I’d taken in North Shields v Horden in the Northern League Division 2 and was helping my son to choose a new pair of football boots for his up and coming season from the Nike discount store in Royal Quays Retail Outlet near Shields, when an unrecognised number started ringing on my mobile. To my surprise it was the North East stringer for “The Guardian” and former Sunderland AFC official magazine writer Louise Taylor, who wanted to ask “a few questions“ about the previous day‘s game. Having written for Newcastle fanzines from 1989 I had been used to calls like this every so often, so I readily agreed as I’ve always been of the belief that the opinions of ordinary fans hold as much validity as jaundiced, cynical hacks. Frankly, I’ve regretted many decisions in my life, but this is one of my biggest errors; how naïve was I to believe that “The Guardian,” champion of all the socialist and democratic principles I hold dear, would represent my views accurately! In Tuesday’s paper, Louise Taylor put her name to an article that had taken my words and quoted them out of context and without explanation to suggest that I was perfectly happy for Newcastle fans to abuse Mido in the way he had been. Obviously this was not the case and I was very unhappy as being represented in this fashion. Equally astonishingly, Rob Nichols who had unequivocally told me he had not heard any chanting on the Sunday, had managed to reposition himself by 180 degrees the next day and was enthusiastically condemning the Newcastle support. As far as I’m aware the interview I gave was not taped, which is a real shame as I would love to have been able to brandish a transcript to all the cyber hardmen bloggers and polyversity Media Studies and Sociology drop outs on message boards, who judged me so harshly about things I’d not even thought never mind said. I had stated quite categorically during the interview that I was against racism and that the chants had been racist in nature, but that surely everyone was opposed to racism and would condemn such chants. In addition as a Marxist, I was vehemently opposed to the social conditions that created racist attitudes and encouraged institutional racism and individual racist attitudes, especially considering the fact that those chanting racist abuse were not necessarily racists per se but people who believed it was acceptable to say just about anything at a football ground to wind up opposition players and supporters (see examples above). Those chanting at Mido were not Fascists whose heads needed acquainting with the pavement, but ordinary football fans who needed educating about what should be acceptable conduct. I realise that sounds patronising, but I don’t mean it to be. I felt that the impact of the chants, apparently unheard by at least one end of the ground, had not ruined the game, but had created an “unsavoury” atmosphere. In addition, I also questioned why Newcastle fans would suddenly develop Islamophobic attitudes for that particular game, when Emre had been playing for Newcastle for 2 seasons without enduring any abuse at all; for some reason this was seen as the most savage indictment of my opinions and, almost 4 years on, I still struggle to understand why. Having felt like I had been hung out to dry by Louise Taylor, I made a complaint to the readers’ editor of “The Guardian,” receiving a phone call of apology by Louise Taylor the next day (Wednesday), whereby she assured me the following Tuesday’s paper would put things right. In the event, it simply clarified that I didn’t write for “The Mag,” but for “players inc” fanzine, suggesting she felt her article, which I will speak out against until my dying breath, had integrity. In a sense it had when compared to Marina Hyde’s football blog that appeared on the Thursday. Entitled “Hypocrisy needs a kick it out campaign,” Hyde, a person who has willingly had a relationship with Piers Morgan, took Taylor’s words at face value and used them as a springboard for a savage attack on what she took as my beliefs. Check out what she said for yourself at http://www.guardian.co.uk/sport/blog/2007/aug/29/hypocrisyneedsakickitout ; I still struggle to read the whole thing without alternately wanting to burst in to tears or punch the monitor until it or my fist breaks. Here’s an example of her hatchet job on me -: “Speaking to this newspaper, one Ian Cusack of the fanzine Players Inc described the chants as "unsavoury". "But I don't think they were racist," he went on. "Newcastle have Muslim players. Emre is a Muslim . . . The chants should be placed in the context of local rivalry." It takes a special sort of idiotic blindness, really, to downgrade racism to something that can be excused on account of geography, and it would be nice to think that Mr Cusack might dedicate the next issue of his magazine to expanding on this point, perhaps extrapolating his argument to notable episodes in civil rights history. In the meantime, there is only his we've-got-a-Muslim-too defence, which some might find redolent of the attempt by The Office's Chris Finch to bat away those tired charges of misogyny. "How can I hate women?" is his triumphant staple. "My mum's one." My only defence is that I did not say the things she claims I did and that I do not hold attitudes she assumes I must have, and that her colleague, either out of mischief or incompetence, was responsible for pinning such sentiments on me. I’ve never bought “The Guardian” since and I never will again. The effect of the Mido story and my part in it was to see the chin-strokers in John Lennon specs who occupy the likes of When Saturday Comes’ message board and who see attending football games as akin to appearing on EDL marches, taking time out from monotonously whining about MK Dons to applaud Taylor and Hyde for their work in exposing Newcastle’s fan base as a cabal of racist thugs. In a sense, this level of response was predictable, as it was rooted in the special kind of class and regional prejudice that the effete petit bourgeois gauleiters in cyberspace and the media specialise in. Far more depressing was the reaction of Boro fans. Ignoring their racist abuse of Newcastle players back in 2003, they climbed abroad this bandwagon as a way of trying apply a scattergun and broad brush approach to criticising Newcastle fans. The amount of witless fools who opportunistically sought to claim chants relating to the 1987 Cleveland Child Sex Abuse scandal were “racist” was enough to make me give up on football completely. I didn’t, but this was the last time I attended an away league game, the last time I bought “The Guardian” and it will definitely be the last time I speak to national media.

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And here's what I wrote at the time; this article appeared in the Percy Main v Stocksfield programme on 29th September 2007.

Who’s Sorry Now?

It’s not often I say this, but I was in the wrong the other week. This is not a misprint; I made a mistake, an error of judgement if you like, and I’m sorry. I’m not exactly sure who I should be apologising to; me, other Newcastle fans, Mido, Middlesbrough FC, their supporters and especially the editorial team of their fanzine Fly Me to the Moon, or Louise Taylor and Marina Hyde from The Guardian. Hang on: definitely not Louise Taylor and Marina Hyde from The Guardian, or the mendacious message board cyber toughs from Stockton and South Bank.

I’m against racism, in all of its manifestations, who isn’t? But I’m also against the root causes of racism; the prevalent social attitude of intolerance, manipulated by a state apparatus and a media that seek to stigmatise Asylum Seekers, refugees and the indigenous Muslim population, is the cause of racism in our society. Football fans are not de facto racists, regardless of team they support. Any racism that individuals display is as a direct result of the attitudes of the ruling class that seek to divide any form of working class unity. It certainly is not helpful for anyone with a social conscience or a sense of natural justice and moral outrage to seek to stigmatise any set of football fans. The fight against racism, like the fight against Capitalism, is one that we should all be UNITED in. Columnists from The Guardian and on-line Boro bad lads, please read, digest and respect this paragraph.

At a rough guess, I’ve watched Newcastle play at Ayresome Park and the Riverside approximately twenty times in the past nigh-on twenty five years. The first time I went to Boro was in March 1983; 1-1, with Keegan scoring for us. In those days, football fans were seen as a kind of enemy within, without the Kremlin-sponsored ideology. To be frank, attending an away game was a dangerous thing to do in many instances and Boro was always one of the worst trips; in fact the last time I’d been to Boro, apart from this season, back in 2003, I felt physically sick with fear during the post match journey to the car. The atmosphere was ugly, evil, fetid. Back in 1983, as a naïve 18 year old, I thought it would be quickest and safest to make my way down on the train from Heworth with two similarly neophytic mates. That idea was swept out of my head as soon as the rattler pulled in. The three of us were shoehorned on to an already sardine-can stuffed two carriages. It seemed as if we were the only ones who weren’t sociopaths; that feeling of blind panic when you know you’re completely out of your depth had engulfed me before we’d even got to Pelaw.

The Police got on at Stockton, with the Inspector telling us, "As you have decided to travel independently of approved means, we can not guarantee your safety today."

It was terrifying; it was amazing we got home alive. Walking, head down, in silence from the station the two miles to Ayresome Park and back again, the air punctuated by wailing silences and indistinct, garbled, angry shouts, the fear that we’d be ambushed at each corner is the most raw feeling of terror I’ve known in my life. Perhaps because the three of us looked like refugees from a Postcard Records photoshoot, there was little chance of us dying at the feet of the Frontline. Today, in contrast, it was like a trip to Alton Towers.

Some of my very favourite people in the world are Boro fans; two of them, Rob and Andy, I met up with that day. However, they aren't the bad lads and they aren't the Riverside Stadium face paint, curly wig, replica shirt and foam hand generation. They no doubt cringe at Roary the Lion and "Chelsea Dagger" after the goals, as much as I cringed at the anti Mido chants. The fact is the contempt I feel for the Boro nouveau has nothing to do with geography and everything to do with my nostalgia for a time when football was less showbiz and more earthy. I’ve never regarded Middlesbrough as a derby game; that honour is reserved for the Mackems and the Mackems only.

That said, this game is always a highly charged affairs; Boro are always aggressive off the pitch. In October 1992 before a League Cup tie, their hooligans attacked the Three Bulls Heads in Percy Street Newcastle. I was inside at the time and have to say it was pretty terrifying, watching the windows of a pub being caved in with rocks. For that and many other reasons, each visit there is one taken with a degree of trepidation. Of course, the constant chanting by Newcastle fans with reference to the Cleveland Child Abuse Inquiry of 1987 doesn’t help things.

Of course, Middlesbrough fans are not innocent in this; in October 2003, there was relentless booing of Titus Bramble, Keiron Dyer and Jermaine Jenas. Now, for many reasons, Newcastle fans would wish to boo those three, but for completely different reasons than the spurious grounds, as later demonstrated legally, that caused Boro fans to boo that day. I’m not seeking to imply that the jeers directed at those three, nor at Shola Ameobi, who scored the only goal that day, or Olivier Bernard, who got away with a handball in the box, were in any way racially motivated. Perhaps Boro fans and agenda-pursuing office girls from the Fourth Estate may wish to reflect on this point.

On August 26th, the abuse from Newcastle fans was initially focussed on the poor attendance (they’re here, they’re there, they’re every fucking where, empty seats!), but things soon degenerated with the insertion of the word paedophiles in place of empty seats. Unpleasant? Yes. Unsavoury? Yes Unnecessary? Defintely? Funny? Depends on your point of view.

Where things became particularly intolerable was when the focus of the chanting switched to Mido, Boro’s new Egyptian centre forward. A portly, arrogant underachiever, he’d skulked in Spurs’ reserves since scoring against us when we’d won 3-2 at White Hart Lane in January. His performance on the pitch ordinarily would not have been something to worry me, but they way he got fired up when the abusive chants were directed at him proved them to be, in effect, a ridiculous own goal. It was clearly stupid, stereotypical and unnecessary to call him a terrorist and a paedophile, but there wasn’t a person in that crowd who believed there to be a grain of truth in those chants.

Of course, that isn’t the point. In hindsight I believe that those chants were racist, in effect if not intent, as well as offensive and inflammatory, although Mido has to be the one who had the final call about whether it was racist, not Louise Taylor and certainly not a hypocritical Boro fan who has no interest in confronting racism, but is sick of the big bad bullies from Tyneside taking over his club’s Meccano ground and humiliating his side on and off the pitch with endless songs about Dr. Marietta Higgs.

However, what can one person do about it? I’ve not been in a Newcastle crowd that engaged in mass racist chanting for over two decades. Certainly any racism I’ve heard in the past 15 or so years has been isolated individual idiots, all of whom I’ve either told to shut it or reported to stewards. I’ve never come to blows with anyone about it, nor do I think I’ve changed anyone’s opinions, but I’ve stopped it being said. What else can you do?

Certainly in a culture whereby prejudice towards Islam is ingrained by law, foreign policy and institutional frameworks, there is no wonder that fear and suspicion of Muslims is a serious problem. Perhaps if Blair hadn’t decided to bomb Afghanistan and Iraq the atmosphere wouldn’t be so intolerant, but there you have it. I didn’t join in these chants because, at the time, I thought they were simply unpleasant attempts at wind-ups. On reflection, I’m wrong. It was racist and I wish it hadn’t happened.

Apart from that issue, I have to say was that it was one hell of a good game; I don't like our 4-3-3 narrow formation, but I see its purpose. We were well on top for the first 20, until N'Zogbia put us ahead with a screamer, second best after Mido equalised until the hour, then in control at the end. Viduka showed strength in scoring and Arca should have been closed down when equalising. Owen ought to have won it for us in the last minute as well.

Post match it was a totally relaxed stroll to the car. There was no edge to it; I wasn’t intimidated and Gary and I happily chatted the whole way back, not trying to hide our accents. From what I heard not one Boro fan was talking about the chanting of our lot, much less being in high dudgeon about it. In fact, when we met up with Andy for a brief chat in Doctor Brown’s car park, the subject wasn’t even discussed. We had a short chat, and then bade our farewell; I was home for the second half of Man Utd v Spurs. Disappointed we didn't win, but at least we didn't lose.

On the Bank Holiday Monday following the Boro v Newcastle game, I took in North Shields at home to Horden. The game was terrible. They always are at Ralph Gardener Park. Horden won 1-0 and it could have been six. Post match, I to the Royal Quays to buy some new trainers and, standing in the check out queue at the Nike shop, I received a call.

To my absolute astonishment, it was Louise Taylor, a football writer on The Guardian, which has been my paper of choice since becoming an avowed loony lefty at the age of 12. She, of course, wanted to discuss the Mido chants the day before, asking me to condemn Newcastle fans. I didn’t, though I would do now if anyone asked me for reasons I’ve stated above. Over the course of 15 minutes I tried to explain why Newcastle fans were not racist as an entity, but would have individual racists within them. The complexities of my points appeared to be lost either by her or in the sub-editing phase, as my words appeared as the final paragraph in her article. My opinions, which followed those of my mate Rob Nicholls, the Boro fanzine editor, who had said to me in a phone call on the Bank Holiday Monday night that he hadn’t actually heard the chants as he sits in the other end of the ground, were summed up as follows -:

"The Mido chants were very unsavoury but I don't think they were racist, Newcastle have Muslim players, Emre is a Muslim. They were just a way of winding the opposition up but they didn't work as Mido scored. The chants should be placed in the context of local rivalry."

Those words seem petty, small-minded and ill judged. They also didn’t reflect what I had to say, but then again, I didn’t write the article. Even worse, the next day, a football blog on the paper’s website by gossip columnist Marina Hyde, a former confidant of Piers Morgan, had this to say -:

“It takes a special sort of idiotic blindness, really, to downgrade racism to something that can be excused on account of geography, and it would be nice to think that Mr Cusack might dedicate the next issue of his magazine to expanding on this point, perhaps extrapolating his argument to notable episodes in civil rights history.

In the meantime, there is only his we've-got-a-Muslim-too defence, which some might find redolent of the attempt by The Office's Chris Finch to bat away those tired charges of misogyny. How can I hate women? is his triumphant staple. My mum's one.”

As an aside, they also described me as a writer for The Mag, a publication I hadn’t deigned to write for in over 3 years. Happily The Guardian printed a retraction of this error and Louise Taylor had the decency to phone back twice and profusely apologise. I emailed Marina Hyde, but as yet she hasn’t got back to me; presumably she’s too busy with other important projects, such as reviewing reality TV shows or however she chooses to use her Oxford University degree.

I’m not particularly bothered that this whole episode allowed drooling inadequates from either bank of the Tees to go in to overdrive on message boards printing specious fallacies about me and my family; I just wish I’d thought the whole issue through. The chants aimed at Mido were wrong, racist and unpleasant. I sincerely hope they don’t happen again.

However, I offer no apologies to those who pursued an agenda that was anti-working class, anti-Newcastle or anti-football. My particular contempt is reserved for those football fans that used the Mido situation to pursue petty jealousies and attempt to settle scores. You should be ashamed of yourselves.