Who's That Team We All Abhor?

NUFC over the last while....

I didn’t write this piece immediately after the Brentford game. I couldn’t, because I was too angry about another pathetic, clueless performance on the road to express anything other than inarticulate rage. A week later I’m still furious and we remain two points above the drop zone, but I think I can provide a more measured perspective on events between the last two international breaks than I would have done on Sunday 9^th November. This is the third pause we’ve had so far this season, and each one has been heralded by the outpouring of vastly differing emotions. The break in September came as a relief as the Isak transfer debacle was finally concluded, after we’d unnecessarily thrown away the chance of 9 possible points in the opening games in an atmosphere of utter chaos. The October break was frustrating as we were finally looking like an outfit who had sussed a new style of play, confidently dispatching an admittedly woeful Forest side before everything ground to a competitive halt. The arrival of this November ceasefire has been greeted with unbridled relief as we’ve been so dismal on the road, it beggars belief.

Let me say this now. Eddie Howe is still the right man for the job of Newcastle United manager. There are if, buts and all manner of caveats attached to that statement, not least because our next three league games are the daunting prospect of Man City (H), Everton (A) and Spurs (H), which I’ll come on to later. One of the most blatantly obvious reasons for retaining his services is that, as far I can see, there are no viable, realistic candidates to replace him. Iraola has his advocates, but he hardly did his cause much good with that mauling at Villa Park the other week. Roberto Mancini has been mentioned, but he’s another yesterday man from my perspective. In all honesty, I am still grateful for everything Howe has done for the club since he arrived and you don’t need me to tell you that avoiding the drop in his first season, two CL qualifications and the small matter of a Sunday in Wembley back in March put him head and shoulders above every other manager we’ve had in my lifetime, Keegan and Robson included. But he needs to do better, as do the players, and that crucial improvement needs to happen fast. The fixture list isn’t promising, but everyone plays each other twice a season and we just have to get on with it.

Ideally, Howe does his best work where he has previously proved himself to be an outstanding coach. On the training ground. Developing tactics and drilling them into the players. Anthony Gordon suspended for the Carabao Cup final? No problem. Here’s Plan B; we’ll win the game in midfield rather than down the flanks. Guess what? We did. Recently there hasn’t been a Plan A, other than kick offs being deliberately launched into touch by the opposition corner flag, like a nostalgic reboot of John Beck’s tactics at Cambridge United, circa 1991. What we need, and this is where the injuries to Pope, Gordon, Livramento and Hall should benefit us during this international break, is some solid hard work on defending set pieces and a clear idea what to do when we go forward. Yes, there are players away on international duty and well done to Thiaw, the one uniformly bright spot in a terrible league season so far, for his call up by Germany, but Howe and Jones can, should and hopefully will do what is necessary to make us look competent and competitive again, before the season really goes over the cliff edge.

So, how did we get to this bizarre situation where we sit 14^th in the Premier League and 6^th in a 36-team Champions League, with an eminently winnable League Cup quarter final tie at home? To sum up, we’ve been shit away and done the necessary at home, without ever really hitting top gear. Before the Brighton game that kicked off this recent set of fixtures, we appointed someone called Ross Wilson as Sporting Director, whatever that means. There are so many walk-on, walk-off appointments to a series of meaningless job titles in the club that I lose track and pine for the days when Russell Cushing and Tony Toward just used to divvy the admin work up between them. To prove the point Peter Silverstone, the club’s Chief Commercial Officer has just slung his hook, after tying up a major Saudi sponsorship deal with Visa. I’m a Barclays customer and don’t particularly feel comfortable that they’re throwing money at NUFC and not giving me better interest on my ISAs, but there you go. Rather more seriously, the promise of freebie corporates to high-end clients in Saudi Arabia rather undercuts the valiant work NUST (and fair play to them for getting David Stonehouse on the board) are attempting regarding ticketing transparency. Then again the anodyne response from Hoppy, the Man in the Suit, to their requests for open dialogue probably tells you all you need to know about the PIF and their underlings’ attitude to Mags who stump up their hard-earned cash, not just to buy tickets, but to throw cash away on the Membership tombola farce, ostensibly to give them a chance to buy tickets. It’s all about the money, honey. There’s a new training ground and revamped SJP to fund you know. Possibly. Trust the process, as the Dubai chronophiles say.

As for Brighton, the best you can say is that The Amex is becoming the new Dell and Danny Welbeck a reincarnation of Le Tissier, without the swivel-eyed chemtrails conspiracy lunacy. The famed midfield shattered from long haul international fortnight flights, all 4 wingers woefully out of form, second choice ageing, clumsy full backs and a hitherto impressive centre back pairing unaccountably baffled by straight balls into the box. We all wanted to call it a blip, rather than the new normal. Ah, but then came Benfica. What a second half that was, eh?  Not only that, but Mourinho showed a great deal of class in his remarks about the club. I’ve always had a soft spot for the curmudgeonly contrarian, not that I’d ever want him in the home dug out.

Admittedly, their right winger caused us a few problems early on and we might have taken the lead slightly against the run of play, but once Gordon got us ahead, it was a relatively straightforward evening. Indeed, it was great to see 75% of our wingers putting in quality shifts. Sadly, I didn’t get a ticket, but I met with John, over from Ireland, and Ben who had in The Town Mouse before kick-off and when they walked to the ground, I made my way to The Bodega, listening to the stirring sound of the crowd, feeling the anticipation in the air and cursing the ballot system. It’s 16 years since I threw in my season tickets, but there are times when you wish you could have been a part of it, and this was one of them. Mind, I put in a disciplined performance, restricting myself to a pint per half. Indeed, the only blight on the night was the last 38 not showing up and having to get an Uber home.

On the day of the Fulham game, I got to see Newcastle win (Independent), draw (University) and lose (East End), but I didn’t see United. Instead, I got back from some Alliance games just in time to watch the last bit of the day’s unfolding action on Sky Sports. I punched the air when Bruno got the winner, then within the hour saw detailed highlights on line. Despite the narrowness of the scoreline and lateness of the goal, this was a well-deserved win, spoiled only by poor finishing. Frankly, we should have been 3-0 up at the break, but no matter, we took the points, had won two in a row and moved on to the Spurs League Cup game in a better frame of mind. That said, I was a trifle concerned that under Frank, Tottenham wouldn’t be the soft-centred cowards they’ve often been in these parts. I needn’t have worried as they barely laid a glove on us. Tonali won the game in midfield singlehandedly and a pair of undefended headers from unchallenged crosses saw us safely through to the last 8, where we’ve been paired with Fulham at home. At this stage of the competition, you couldn’t ask for much more than that.

And then we went to West Ham. Took the lead in 4 minutes and completely disintegrated. Some social media hot heads were calling this the worst game in Howe’s reign. Obviously they didn’t see the FA Cup games against Cambridge or Sheffield Wednesday. I suppose what they really meant was that it was the worst game they’d seen since we last lost, because according to Twitter, every game we lose, regardless of circumstances, is the worst game under Eddie Howe. That, of course, is nonsense, though this was a dreadful performance. In the search for scapegoats, Pope was the one in the cyber stocks for this result, though how on earth you contend with ill-fortune like Botman’s own goal is beyond me. Although I have to say I am at a loss to explain why we’re so bad away from home and what we can do about it. Perhaps we could bring Tommy Gibb out of retirement as he always preferred to play away rather be tormented at SJP by our own “supporters.” I suppose this proves that supporting the team has always involved the right to moan, abuse and slag off anyone in black and white, regardless of their merit.

I’m a good dad me you know. John managed to get me a Bilbao ticket on the Monday before and I gave it to Ben. Of course I paid. Having taken Ben to Bilbao and enjoyed a tour of the original San Mames, I thought this was the correct thing to do. After all, I was at the 1994 UEFA Cup game when the bonds of friendship were forged between the two clubs. From mid-afternoon, even from in the house, I could feel the atmosphere build. Fireworks helped I suppose. Photos and videos on social media made me nostalgic and almost tearful. I watched the game with Big Gary and a squad of his pals in The Sun. Was Dan Burn’s banana header even better than his Cup final goal. I think it was, but obviously not so important. Joelinton’s was probably even easier than Woltemade’s against Spurs. Job done. I know Bilbao were weak and understrength, but we did a very professional job, proving conclusively, whatever Denver and his Fifth Columnist pals may contend, that corporate ownership of football clubs rather than the tired, outmoded socio formula in the way forward. Money makes meritocrats.

Money also makes flags, and I was sickened to see the tiny, unrepresentative NUFC Against Sportswashing sect having a go at Wor Flags for not designing anti Saudi banners. Aside from the fact NUFC Against Sportswashing are Islamophobic in their abuse towards PIF and anti-Semitic in their criticism of the Rubens, why don’t they put their money where their mouth is and pay for a banner that displays their message? The real reason is that they’d have to find someone to hold it aloft inside SJP and since none of them attend games, the idea falls at the first hurdle.

Finally, we come back to Brentford and our second successive stuffing there. Once again, Newcastle United are in the business of ruining weekends, as we’ve been doing since 1892. I must admit I’d expected Lyle Lovatt to be a joke of a boss when he got the gig, but he’s proved me wrong. They’re a big, cumbersome, troubling team and they cuffed us aside after the break. Three days on from the glory of Bilbao, Dan Burn was a calamity until he was put out of his misery. I don’t think the one he conceded was a penalty, but I did think the one that was overturned should have been given. Pope was flapping at crosses like a punch drunk, blindfolded Brian London tribute act in a boxing booth at The Hoppings. Ramsdale is a more than adequate deputy, but Pope, these last 2 games aside, has been good this season. I’m glad I don’t have to make a decision as to who starts the next game.

This brings us up to date. Manchester City at home next and still some fans seem more concerned with the order of pre-match songs at SJP than events on the pitch. Obviously, if we get that right, and everything will fall into place. Right?

 

Journey's End

Queen's Park 2 Raith Rovers 1; my Scottish groundhopping adventures are done...

And so, a day I’d often thought about but had never really expected to happen finally came to pass. On Saturday 8^th November 2025, I completed my series of visits to every single SPFL ground, with a revisit of the oldest Scottish club Queen’s Park, at their restored Lesser Hampden home, in the shadow of the famous National Stadium, for the visit of Raith Rovers, in the company of Ben. Obviously, the trip had an element of doubt in the week leading up to it. A landslip between Oxenholme and Penrith on the Monday previous had caused all manner of disruption on the West Coast main line, so I’d rebooked our trip an hour earlier, as I like to err on the side of caution. In the event, everything ran incredibly smoothly, which meant we had an hour to spare in Carlisle, using it sensibly by getting a substantial bacon roll from a local café. Nice it was too.

The stiflingly hot Avanti train to Glasgow Central gave us a hassle-free ride, as did the connection on the Neilston circle to Mount Florida, which meant we arrived slightly before the turnstiles opened at 2pm. I’ve been to the National Stadium on several occasions, generally to see Hibs lose, but I did catch a Queen’s Park home game against Cowdenbeath in February 2020. With only 470 inside the ground, the vast swathes on empty seats and echoes of the players shouts made it an eerie experience, akin to watching Newcastle Reserves at SJP or Anderlecht Futures against RWDM at the King Baudoin Stadium in Brussels last year. Lesser Hampden, despite being open at both ends, as seems to be the wont in many if not all recently built or redeveloped Scottish grounds, is a far more sensible venue for Queen’s Park, even after the Spiders eschewed their 150-year tradition of amateurism and embraced the professional game. Indeed, there were 876 watching today, in a supposed capacity of 977.

We entered from the home turnstile and took the very last two seats in the home end, that were only across the aisle from where the raucous, rowdy and wildly profane away fans were housed in the final two blocks, enjoying a quality steak pie and Bovril lunch. The seats had plenty of leg room and afforded a perfect view of proceedings. There is another small stand opposite, but it appears to be a space reserved for dignitaries. Shame, because if we’d sat on that side, we wouldn’t have been blinded by the low sun setting in the first half. Although that misfortune wasn’t of any particular problem as the football on display was dire in the most part. Raith were the more direct, but failed to carve out any presentable opportunities, while Queen’s Park played a cautious possession-based game, where any risky attacking ball was ignored, in favour of retaining possession at all costs.

The best player on the pitch was Queen’s attacker Josh Fowler, and his two goals won the game for the home side. His first was courtesy of woeful miscommunication in the Raith defence, when he collected a loose ball and rammed home a low 20-yard finish after 14 minutes.  It was a quality finish, but the lead wasn’t to last long as Darragh O'Connor’s right footed shot from the left side of the six-yard box into the top left corner brought the teams level on 22 minutes. This is how it stayed until the break, which cheered me considerably as it meant I’d done every ground and not seen a single goalless draw.

After the break, Raith tried to up the ante and were twice denied by miraculous saves from the home keeper, Calum Ferrie, who is English, interestingly enough. He made his name with a penalty save at Ibrox last year, when Queen’s Park beat Glasgow’s newest club Sevco in the Scottish Cup. Mind he also let in 5 at Partick Thistle the week before today, so it isn’t all plain sailing. However, his important intervention gave the Spiders renewed hope and they grabbed all 3 points with another goal from Fowler on 78 minutes. He received the ball wide right in the box, checked, evaded a challenge and curled a delicious effort in off the post. There would be no dancing in the streets of Raith that night. The result moved Queen’s Park out of the relegation play-off place and up to 8^th, while the visitors stay 6^th.

If I were asked which parts of Scotland are the best (or worst) at swearing, I’d undoubtedly call a dead heat between Ayrshire and Lanarkshire, but the Kingdom of Fife run the two former coalmining heartlands in the west very close. Indeed, one tall young chap, sat directly to my right, spent all afternoon issuing semi-coherent volleys of the language of the snooker hall in the direction of officials, players and other spectators for the entire contest. The fact Queen’s Park won 2-1 didn’t lighten his mood, though I suspect if Raith had replicated their famous win over Celtic in the 1994 League Cup final in the adjoining arena, he still wouldn’t have been satisfied.

As we made our way through grumbling Fifers to Mount Florida, I realised just how thirsty I was, after the pie and Bovril, so it was just as well Ben and I were heading only 2 stops to Queen’s Park (ironically), to visit a pub we’d both had our eyes on for ages; Koelschip Yard, which is an absolute craft ale paradise. Without overstating things, the Kriek on tap was the finest I’ve tasted. We had a few scoops, met the biggest (and friendliest) dog in the world and I bought a £50 carry-out from the brilliant Wee Beer Shop opposite. An off licence so good and so friendly, I messaged the owner Niall on Insta the next day and got put on the mailing list. I tell you that’s where I’m getting my Christmas Cantillon and Kernel supplies from this year. Just a shame it’s the other side of the city from where we’re going to see My Bloody Valentine in a couple of weeks.

 As we were travelling back via Edinburgh, we got an Uber to Queen’s Street, where we saw the drunkest man in the world trying to buy 2 coffees on his card from Greggs, before running slap bang into Stephen from The Pastels, on his way home from a day’s work at Monorail no doubt. We shook hands and agreed to try and meet up at My Bloody Valentine, before we were away. On that train, I got talking to Keith a Queen of the South fan who’d been to the musical Hamilton with his missus that afternoon (though I’d presume he'd prefer to have been at Hamilton Accies instead) and had remarkably been at Spennymoor 0 Barrow 2 in the FA Cup the week before. After that, the timing of the train from Waverley was too tight to allow us a pint in Brew Dog, so we took our place with many well-served Scottish rugby fans who’d been to Murrayfield for the New Zealand game. We got back to Central on time, had an unnecessary last one in The Wobbly Duck and caught the last bus home. A splendid, splendid day and a fitting way to end my Scottish odyssey.

I must admit to having a feeling of sadness accompanying the sense of accomplishment. No longer will I look to fixtures long in the future, check travel logistics and anticipate the journey. I’ve never believed it is better to travel than arrive, but my final destination has been reached with a heavy heart. What is my next bucket list challenge? Let me think on that one…

 

 

Stairing with the Rude Boys

Stranraer 3 Forfar Athletic 1; Saturday 1st November 2025. Photos by Wallsend National Party PLC

While my team Percy Main Amateurs were losing 4-2 on penalties after a 2-2 draw in 90 minutes at home to Hazlerigg Victory in a Northumberland FA Senior Benevolent Bowl Round 1 tie, and my pal Big Gary’s side Newcastle Benfield were going down to a controversial 1-0 loss away to Easington Colliery in the Northern League Division 1, me and him were speeding the 163 miles from leafy NE7 to the furthest western outpost of Scottish League football. Our destination was Stranraer’s Stair Park for the tussle with Forfar Athletic, that constituted my 42^nd SPFL tick, though I still need to revisit Queen’s Park as they now play at Lesser Hampden, adjoining their former home at the Scottish National Stadium, to complete the set.

This was actually my third attempt at visiting Stranraer. Firstly, back in February, Gary had to bail when a pal was visiting from Birkenhead and then at the start of October, a work trip for him to either the Shetlands or the Orkneys (I forget which) put paid to that plan. I did look at doing it by public transport (I’m a non-driver you see), but the journey would have been an ordeal, Leaving Newcastle at 08.06, taking two trains and a bus in either direction, before getting back at 23.34. Despite my Over 60s Railcard, this was just too much to cope with. Thus, the first day of November was set in stone and we left mine at 10.00, had a quick Costa stop on the outskirts of Dumfries, which is when I discovered I’d forgotten my phone and so couldn’t get any pictures of the day out and  eventually pulled into the free car park that was the derelict remains of the old Sealink ferry terminal loading bay, at 1.30 pm.

Back in the day, I’d journeyed the A74 numerous times, as I attended the University of Ulster in County Derry between 1983 and 1986, often travelling on the Stranraer to Larne ferry. Now that was a journey and a half. The only way to do it, courtesy of Lord Beeching tearing up the Dumfries to Stranraer train line, was to leave Newcastle at 02.52 and travel via Edinburgh and Glasgow, changing stations, then take the Ferry to Larne, train to Belfast, changing stations, onwards to Coleraine, arriving in Portrush at 18.13. Mind I was a lot younger in those days. The last time I’d done that trek was in Summer 1988, by National Express in point of fact, which was before the A74 upgrade that bypassed Dumfries, Newton Stewart, Creetown, Gatehouse of Fleet and Castle Kennedy. While it’s still a hell of a trek, it no longer feels like Chairman Mao’s long march. It’s quite a scenic trip along the Galloway coast and you do get to see Castle Cary Park, the home of Creetown FC, who were inactive the day we passed, being the spare side in the 11-team South of Scotland League.

Stranraer, from what I’d remembered, is hideous. Partly that was as a result of the PTSD engendered spending 9 hours in the freezing Ferry Terminal on Sunday 15^th January 1984, when our ferry was cancelled. That said, I did enjoy an idyllic family holiday in the nearby small resort of Portpatrick in 1974. No chance of visiting that old haunt today of course. No chance of a sociological saunter through Stranraer either. Instead, Gary and I left the car, surrounded by derelict caravans which may have been Stranraer’s take on Airbnb and struck back up the road to Stair Park, which is in a public park, also called Stair Park.

Stranraer were formed in 1870 and are Scotland’s third oldest club, and their history is proudly displayed on some interesting posters inside the ground, but they don’t make the most of any commercial opportunities that may come their way. Team sheets were given out free in the stiflingly hot clubhouse, but there were no programmes and the club shop was closed. I inquired and was given a vague promise that “someone would be along later” to open it up, but I just let that slide. We entered the ground (£15 adults and £10 for us codgers; cash only), where I bought a decent steak (brisket) pie, before we took our place at pitch side, from where we saw the home side prevail in a mainly comfortable 3-1 win.

Stair Park is a decent little ground. It reminded of Montrose or Cove Rangers. One end is completely open, but the other has a reasonable covered shed with about 8 steps of terracing. Each side has a stand that covers halfway, with other bits of terracing. We took in the first half from the main stand side and the second from the terracing by the entrance. Views are good from all angles, and we saw all the goals perfectly. Stranraer put lengthy highlights on YouTube and from viewing them the day after, I saw that what I had initially thought was a soft penalty for the home side was absolutely nailed on. They scored it to lead at the break. The football was honest, if a little too much of the lump it and hope variety, but the game improved greatly after the break.

This was partly because Forfar equalised. What those around us claimed was an offside goal, was a mile on according to the highlights, if against the run of play. It resulted in an absolute torrent of oath-edged personal invective directed at the assistant who failed to raise his flag. I felt sorry for this individual who suffered both male pattern baldness and a bizarre Mallen streak down the back of his head. While the supporters kept up a barrage of foul-mouthed abuse for the rest of the contest, the players forgot about the inaction of the tonsorially challenged one and set about winning the game, with a brace of good late goals. Firstly, Ryan Edgar powered in a great header and then substitutes, the magnificently named, Dominic Plank and Deryn Lang combined to win the game for the home side. All we were missing was an entry from the bench of the unfortunately-monikered Beejay Coll, to give us all a happy ending.

Being so far west, the game finished in the gloaming not darkness and we got away at 5.10. With no stops, Gary was dropping me off, to be reunited with my phone, by 7.45 after a great day out. Full speed ahead to Queen’s Park next Saturday then.

Words Being Sung

So, this is what I've listened to & read over the last couple of months -:

MUSIC:

 

Regarding my recent musical consumption, I’ve seen a couple of absolutely outstanding gigs. The one that stands out above all others was Edwyn Collins, on his farewell tour, at a packed Boiler Shop. Still hampered by the effects of a devastating stroke 20 years ago, Collins is approaching 70 and, perhaps understandably, thinks it is time to slow down. Backed by an incredible set of musicians, he arrived on stage slightly late, to a backing of The Mekons’ Where Were You? An apt choice as perhaps only Orange Juice’s Blue Boy can come close to it in terms of being the finest UK post 1977 7” single. Of course, the evening ended with Blue Boy, and it brought a hugely supportive house down, but before then there were many other highlights from his whole career. Strangely no Poor Old Soul or Losing Sleep but made up for by the best version of Don’t Shilly Shally I’ve ever heard. As for Falling and Laughing; ah man, it’s so heart-wrenching to see such a stellar figure in Scottish Pop Music calling it a day. I do desperately hope he continues to make music as, for 45 years, he has been a massive influence on me.

The next night, Ben and I were back at The Boiler Shop for The Wedding Present’s 40^th anniversary tour. They’ve got a new mini album scheduled for December, Maxi, which is a revisiting of the driving theme of 1996’s Mini. I’m looking forward to it immensely. There’s a taster single of one of the tracks, Hot Wheels, out now and it is certainly rockier and dirtier than the band has been for years, partly due to the influence of new guitarist Rachel Ward, who seems to have reignited the riffing beast within Gedge’s soul, particularly on the second number of the evening in front of an impressive turnout,  I’m Not Going to Fall in Love with You. Ever arcane, Gedge had designed a set list that covered all 40 years of the band’s existence in reverse chronology. Unfortunately, the choice of numbers for the early part of the set, bar the aforementioned I’m Not Going to Fall in Love with You didn’t really inspire, partly on account of the songs chosen, until 1995’s Kansas, which was the seventh song of the 20 they played. However, from that moment on, they absolutely caught fire, and it was an electric evening, hearing all the old favourites. As ever Corduroy, Dalliance, Kennedy and My Favourite Dress were received rapturously, but for me Click Click and Flying Saucer were probably the two best numbers. Another great night, but gigs on successive days had my lower back in bits.

The other live performance I attended was the month before and very different in both venue and scope. The latest Shunyata Improvisation Group public outing was in Earthlings Vegan Café, next door to the Gurdwara, just off the West Road and in sight of SJP. This is a part of the city I’ve probably not visited in 35 years, despite travelling parallel up either Westgate Hill or Barrack Road on countless occasions. I found it with ease, enjoyed a delicious bowl of spicy rice and beans, then settled down in the stifling downstairs back room, to enjoy the performance. Perhaps it was because of the heat that approximately 25% of the audience of 12 nodded off briefly, though I remained fully attentive. This time, the Shunyata core trio were augmented by electronic manipulator Maria Sappho. It resulted in probably the most abrasive sounds I’ve ever heard from SIG. I enjoyed the confrontational Buddhism, despite being forced to listen to part of the event from outside the door, as I was stricken by a bout of severe stomach cramps. Nothing to do with food, I hasten to add.

Once John Garner lay down his violin and took up the shakuhachi, we found ourselves on more familiar, introspective ground. A compelling meditative section involved John on bells, Katie using the frame of her zither for percussive effects and Martin doing the same with his guitar, was the key part of the performance. Strangely, Maria seemed to opt out of the collaboration from this moment onwards.  The event was definitely a success for SIG, though I’m not sure Maria got much out of it. Also, following on from Interventions and Detours, John Garner and Martin Donkin have just released another splendid EP of guitar and shakuhachi improvised instrumentals, The Moon in the Stream. Like its predecessor, this shortish set concentrates on powerful yet meditative pieces, showing the almost telepathic interplay between the two performers and their instruments. SIG and their related projects, continue to inspire and beguile me in a way few other artists are able to.

Staying with the No Audience Underground, I got myself a couple of CDs from Wormhole World recently. The one I like best is the dazzlingly eclectic Carnival of the Sea by the ever-wonderful Emma Reed, under the name of Pettaluck. Having seen Emma at a TQ gig at The Globe last year, I immediately took to her quirky experimental music, that combines an array of styles from synth pop to free jazz to ambient soundscapes. This release is her finest yet, of those I know about that is, and I’d strongly advise you to search her work out on Bandcamp. The other release I obtained was Jude Montague and Dave Clarkson’s worthy project to celebrate their ancestors, Grandads. Unfortunately, it did absolutely nothing for me and I would be happy to give this away to anyone who would like it. Sorry, but it just isn’t my thing. For fans of acoustic singer songwriting in a decidedly English, nostalgic way.

TSPTR is a clothing brand, who seem to specialise in 1960s Peanuts sweats and tees. They’ve also just branched out into music, releasing bespoke, limited-edition compilation cassettes. When I saw Sound Library Volume 1 included a track by Alex Rex, I immediately bought a copy. The Drummer does The Problem with Suicide, which I’ve heard live before and probably was recorded during sessions for The National Trust album. It’s a great, mournful ballad and sits well on a thoroughly enjoyable tape which also features contributions by Bonnie “Prince” Billy, Alexis Taylor and Bobby Lee, whose contribution Slouchin’ Towards Rotherham is the best thing on here. A nice little purchase I must say.

Like Edwyn Collins, I’ve followed Davy Henderson’s career since about 1981. This is sometimes difficult as the notoriously obtuse frontman of the Fire Engine, Win, Nectarine Number 9 and latterly the Sexual Objects, has a somewhat unconventional two-fingers to The Man approach to his career and the music biz in general. That is why I’m delighted the best numbers of the Sexual Objects have been captured on the retrospective Orangutang CD. Including their finest moments, such as the sublime Here Come the Rubber Cops and the brutally sardonic Merrie England, it is one of my favourite releases of the year, combining the artful T-Rex stylings of guitar crunch and a kind of laid-back Loaded vibe that is enormously satisfying. This is truly an essential purchase.

Another band from a long time ago who had an unconventional approach to the music business were Principal Edward’s Magic Theatre, a 14-piece hippy aggregation of Exeter University potheads, who were the first act signed to John Peel’s infamous Dandelion label. Described by John Walters as “the most pretentious act I’ve ever come across,” they released a couple of acid-drenched prog folk albums then grew up and got jobs. I’m delighted to have found their first album Soundtrack on Discogs for a song. Ideal stuff if you’re a fan of the Incredible String Band or, even more obscure and counter cultural, Dr Strangely Strange. Far out man.

Most recently, I took a punt on one of those CDs that are advertised on Facebook as free if you pay the postage. This one was The DIY Years by Young Knives. I know they’ve been going for the thick end of 20 years, but all I’d ever heard was She’s Attracted to, which reminded me of Bogshed, which is no bad thing. That came out in 2005 I think, but the CD I ordered covered the period 2010-2025 and I have to say I enjoyed it quite a lot. Some of the later stuff reminds me of Robert Wyatt era Soft Machine, but I presume live they’ll be more angular pop funk thud. I mention them live as they’re coming to The Cluny on Friday 21 November. I might go, even if it is my least favourite venue in the town.

 BOOKS:

Of the books I’ve read recently, perhaps the two that stand out the most are the autobiographies of the brothers from 16 Lily Crescent in Jesmond: Rude Kids by Chris Donald and Him Off the Viz by Simon Donald. Like everyone of my age from up here, I adored Viz from when I first came across it, probably in about 1980 or thereabouts. I didn’t know the brothers, even if Simon was my school year and we had a load of friends in common, who get mentioned in the book (Gordon Poad, Stephen Bennett and the tragic Sandy Chadwin). Chris was a few years older and out of my social orbit. That said, we drank in the same pubs and saw the same bands. At these events, I often bought Viz and loved it. I’ve no idea when I stopped buying, though probably more than 35 years ago and only vaguely knew the Donalds had nothing to do with it any longer. Frankly, I’m not sure if it is still published.

Over the years, I got to know Simon to say hello to but wouldn’t even call him an acquaintance to be honest. I’d heard of his book when it came out in 2010, then updated in 2015, but only just read it when I found a copy in the local free library. It isn’t funny and it isn’t particularly well written, unlike Chris’s effort, but it is painfully honest about loss and relations in a pretty dysfunctional family. They had an older autistic brother who died quite young, a wheelchair-bound mother and an oddball penny-pinching dad, but what really got me, especially from Simon’s book, is how the two cartoonist brothers never really got on. Simon seems to have harboured a great deal of resentment about this, while Chris, who makes it clear that Viz was his idea, his project and his property, seems utterly unconcerned with the dynamics of running a business with his sibling as an employee. I’m very glad I read these books, which have an acute sense of Newcastle in the 70s, 80s and 90s running through them, but I’ll just take the cartoons on their own merit again. Very intriguing and a bit sad.

Also from the free library, I picked up Simon Pollock’s I Love Suburbia; a lavishly illustrated photobook dedicated to the ornate houses, art deco picture palaces and crenelated pubs in satellite towns that fringe the M25. It isn’t a sociological or architectural guide, just a celebration of eccentric buildings from the 1920s to 1950s, before brutalism became the go to architectural style for the capital city. A nice coffee table tome to flick through.

The Jesmond Vale free library provided me with two copies of the sober Stalinist periodical North East Labour History. As with all academic writing, it’s a tough read for pleasure, but I did enjoy articles about the Sunderland Rent Strike of 1930 in the first volume (2007) and an interesting take on the gender politics of the events before and after the 1991 Meadowell riots in the second edition (2011). Other interesting topics are hampered for me, a general reader, by the aridity of the prose. The same cannot be said of David Lodge’s implausible yet endearing novel about the futility of National Service, Ginger You’re Barmy which, despite a wholly unbelievable ending, provides an accurate and compelling depiction of the ennui and inertia engendered by two wasted years in a young man’s life.

The final book I’ve read is Tangled Lines editor Mike Head’s 21 Again. It is an affectionate and nostalgic trip back to the late 80s and early 90s, focussing on bands he followed at the time. The focus is mainly on Mega City 4 and Senseless Things, who I don’t think I ever saw and never really heard, but there is lovely bit about Snuff; a band I saw quite often and thoroughly enjoyed, especially their whacky cover version of the Shake n Vac advert, Blankety Blank theme and In Sickness and in Health. A great read and a book I strongly advise seeking out on Amazon.

Hoppy Days

 Before I begin this latest piece about Newcastle United, I would like to pay tribute to our recently deceased former player and manager Willie “Iam” McFaul. The Coleraine native, whose cousin I went to university with as a matter of fact, was the first NUFC keeper I can remember, though recollections of his career (Hereford and the 1974 Cup final apart) remain sketchy as I was only 10 when he finished playing. I do remember his managerial stint with great affection though. In the generally grim post Keegan era back in Division 1, McFaul took over from Jack Charlton in 1985 and did his very best in the role, despite the incompetence of the board at the time, overseeing a particularly enjoyable 1987/1988 campaign that saw us reach the dizzy heights of 8^th place. Sadly, that was as good as it got and, a week after overseeing a magnificent 2-1 away win at Anfield on his birthday at the start of October, which I missed after falling asleep in The Cooperage, waking at 3.30 and having to walk home exhausted, consequently missing my lift, he was dismissed following a catastrophic 3-0 home loss to Coventry. It was a sad end for a great club servant. In August 1990, I met him in the departure lounge at the airport, waiting for a flight to Belfast, and we exchanged a few words. A nice man. A great club servant and one who was shamefully underappreciated by the club who neglected to have a minute’s silence or applause before the Forest game. Ar dheis Dé go raibh a hanam, as I doubt his family would say.

So, another seven games have taken place in the window of opportunity between the international breaks and being honest, it has been more good news than bad for Newcastle United. David “Hoppy” Hopkinson has taken up his role as Newcastle United’s Chief Executive Officer, immediately winning a sartorial thumbs up from True Faith, who’ve always enjoyed mixing with the club elite since the days of Chris Mort’s tenure, for attending the Wolves game in an elegantly cut business suit. After all, that’s what it’s all about. Isn’t it?

Never mind rummaging through your wardrobe for a nice silk tie, the build up to Wolves was predictably challenging. Both Ramsey and Wissa were ruled out through injury, with the latter not expected back until November now. Even though he’s not kicked a ball for us yet, I reckon he’s still done more for his new club than former Brentford associate Mbuemo has for Man United. The first 20 seconds against Wolves was a hair-raising opening, but we settled in well, won the game courtesy of a brilliant Woltemade header and really were in cruise control until about 65 minutes when we ran out of ideas. A clearly jetlagged Bruno really ought to have been hooked in retrospect. I was delighted Ben got a ticket for this one, while I enjoyed it from the comfort of TCC pavilion, after incessant rain had brought about the premature curtailment of the final cricket day of the 2025 season. Ben informed me of the presence of numerous day trippers in the crowd which, on the back of the Dundee High School Barcelona fiasco, is something Hoppy should turn his attention to with great rapidity. Once his whistle and flute is back from the dry cleaners of course... Incidentally, I’m delighted that NUST are forensically examining data provided to them by supporters about ticketing problems. This is excellent news and exactly what the group is supposed to be doing. Although I’d trust they are keeping a weather eye on the quality of attire sported in the boardroom.

Next up was Barcelona and the start of the Champions’ League campaign. As I’ve not got Sky or a firestick and didn’t fancy being squashed into a sweaty pub, I went to the gym instead, as I had done for the Liverpool game. Same thing happened. I walked down my street just before 8pm, hearing the roars of the crowd and the walk-on music drifting on the breeze. Stirring stuff. Should I have watched it? Well 75 minutes later, 525 calories burned, and 15 kilometres moved, probably not. I’d a feeling we’d get beat, especially with the side we put out lacking any real strikers, but it was a decent effort and not the 4-0 thumping I’d feared. With this new format of the CL to contend with, we basically need to focus on finishing between 9^th and 24^th, to have a shot at a last 16 tie, as the top 8 is probably beyond us. Consequently, the Barca result wasn’t a disaster, though it would have been if we’d not taken anything from the away trip to Bournemouth, remembering how they’d wiped the floor with us at SJP last season.

Thankfully, this didn’t happen. In fact, nothing really happened in our third, sterile 0-0 away game of the season. Truth be told, it was a desperately poor spectacle that befitted the presence of Joe Willock on the pitch. We could have had a penalty for a shove on Woltemade, Thiaw was class, but could have been sent off, and Pope made a decent save from a Kluivert free kick. That was about it. In fact, the major talking point on Tyneside was the vicious falling-out between Anarchy and Wylam breweries, as regards the beer brewed as a fundraiser for Wor Flags. Now my take on this is that I much prefer Wylam’s hideously expensive brews to Anarchy’s, which I’ve always found bland and flavourless. Wor Beer isn’t anything to write home about, and I’ve only ever drank it to show support to Wor Flags. The unseemly shouting about trademarks and intellectual property rights does nobody any good. It’s about time they both stopped playing wor.

And now we come to the Bradford game, which I managed to get a ticket for. I’ll admit that a did get very anxious in all the crowds before and after the game, but it was good to talk to Glenn, Helen and Jack at various times during the evening. They may not realise it, but they helped to calm me down and ground me. It is a big irony that in a crowd of 75 at Percy Main, I know far more people than one of 52k at SJP. Anyway, once I’d got inside (thanks to Ben for the spare phone with Google Wallet installed, as my faithful old BlackBerry is no longer compatible with the app), I had a great view from the Leazes East Stand corner. From that vantage point I had a perfect sight of our new kick off routine; one straight from the John Beck School of Total Football, whereby the ball is launched straight out of play near the opposition’s penalty box, which we then swarm before the throw in is taken. It isn’t pretty, but in this strange new era of long throws and route one clearances, it seems to be what Pep, Arteta and that Baldy Fraud at Anfield are going all in with. To be honest, it was a stroll in the park once we’d gone ahead. Thiaw and Miley both impressed me tremendously and Woltemade’s sparkling cameo allowed me a chance to see his twinkling toes at close quarters. He’s going to be some player. Nice that lifelong NUFC fan Andy Cook scored a raker for Bradford, even if VAR would have chalked it off for handball. Raucous support for The Bantams from their sizeable travelling contingent as well. A club I’ve always had a soft spot for.

That is not something I could ever say about Arsenal. Despite their long and distinguished history, I hold them in contempt, mainly because of their insistence on appointing snidey little narcissists with a persecution complex as managers. I really can’t stand Arteta and the worst thing about the deserved loss to them was how happy it made him. Anguish and disappointment was engendered because of their goals coming so late, but if they’d scored after 66 and 74 not 86 and 94 minutes, nobody would have complained about the outcome. It was a crushing blow because of context not performance, and that’s why it was time to step up. One win in 6 league games and three home defeats in all competitions is not good enough at the end of September. Yes, there have been many mitigating factors. The writing-off of August’s games because of Isak’s petulance is one excuse. The injuries that plague us constantly, with Tino added to the list of those missing after this loss, is another. Another thing that has to change is me going to the gym when we’re playing at home, as this has, perhaps coincidentally, been where I’ve followed our losses to Liverpool, Barca and Arsenal.

I really wish I’d been able to go to RUSG in Brussels, but that was always a non-starter, so instead I went to Ben’s for my tea and enjoyed both a lovely pasta and broccoli dish and our most pleasing performance thus far. It has been a decent while since Newcastle United walked all over the opposition and, frankly, I could happily watch more of this. It was a dominant performance from first whistle to last, with the added bonus of Elanga and Gordon finally finding their rhythm, though every player put in a great shift. Never have I been happier to see us sitting comfortably in 11^th place after the games were over. I was also delighted to hear that our fans had an excellent trip over there. Now we need to bring that level of intensity and ruthlessness into our league form.

Guess what? We did against Forest. Alright so the first half was a bit sluggish, but the unchanged team after Wednesday stepped it up after the break and won with ease. Forest are a shadow of last season’s outfit with Postecoglu in (temporary?) charge and didn’t really lay a glove on us. We scored two absolute belters, with Bruno’s strike a beautiful finish and Woltemade’s penalty a serious contender for Goal of the Month. To be frank, it is a shame we’re heading into an international break. Bruno himself admitted as much, just before jetting off to Seoul and Tokyo to play in a couple of mindless friendlies for Brazil. Let’s just hope he comes back unscathed and in better form than last time. I wish the same to all our players who are away. Roll on Brighton on Saturday 18^th at the unheard of kick off time of 3pm. Let’s see what Hoppy autumn casual threads look like that day when we hopefully play out another 0-0 draw.

 

 

Dancing About Architecture #3

 Taken from the latest issue of TQ (#76), here's my analysis of some works of fiction about bands -:

 This is the third musical book review I’ve done for TQ; unlike the other two, which have, by turns, contrasted autobiographies by the formerly wedded Sonic Youth pair Kim Gordon (Girl in a Band) and Thurston Moore (Sonic Life), and compared the lengthy overviews of a particular musical genre (David Keenan; England’s Hidden Reverse) or period in time (Nige Tassell; Whatever Happened to the C86 Kids?), this review concentrates on works of fiction that have music, or specifically bands, at their core. I’ve got a pretty extensive literary library, consisting of approximately 2,000 novels and, much to my surprise, I only found 3 books that are focussed on being in a group. However, see the postscript to this piece for an update on that situation. One of th works about bands is This is Memorial Device by David Keenan, and I don’t think I’m saying anything rash when I tell you it is the best book I’ve ever read about music and that if you’ve not read it, that is a situation which requires remedying at the earliest opportunity. However, as I’ve already written about one of his works in these reviews, he has to take a step back here.

The two novels I’m reviewing here are Espedair Street, by Iain Banks and Powder by Kevin Sampson. An immediate point of contrast is the reputation of the two writers: Banks (1954-2013) was the author of fourteen novels and one non-fiction book. Many of his novels contain elements of autobiography and feature various locations from his native Scotland. In the case of Espedair Street, we’re in Glasgow throughout. Additionally, the non-fiction work Raw Spirit (subtitled In Search of the Perfect Dram) is a travel book of Banks's visits to the distilleries of Scotland in search of the finest whisky, including his musings on other subjects such as cars (he liked them big and fast) and politics (Socialist first and Nationalist second, out of an understandable hatred of English Tories).

As well as these works, Banks wrote thirteen SF novels, nine of which were part of The Culture series, and a short story collection called The State of the Art (1991), which includes some stories set in the same fictional universe. The Culture is a utopian, post-scarcity space society of humanoid aliens, and advanced superintelligent artificial intelligences living in artificial habitats spread across the Milky Way. Each novel is a self-contained story with new characters, although reference is occasionally made to previous novels.

Privately educated Kevin Sampson began his career writing gig reviews for the NME in the 80s and contributed regularly to The Face, Arena, i-D, Sounds, Jamming, The Observer and Time Out before joining Channel 4 as an assistant editor for Youth Programmes, returning to Merseyside in 1990 to help set up Produce Records, enjoying a string of Top 40 hits in the early 1990s, including The Farm's Groovy Train and All Together Now. When The Farm broke up Sampson completed the draft of his unpublished first novel, Awaydays, based on what he saw during his youth at football grounds up and down the country. Awaydays was an immediate critical and commercial success on its release in 1998. Despite having published 10 novels in total, Sampson earns a lucrative living as a TV drama scriptwriter, penning such works as Anne, produced by ITV, which centres on Anne Williams' crusade for justice after the death of her son Kevin in the Hillsborough disaster of 1989. More recently, he was responsible for another ITV product, The Hunt for Raoul Moat.

Iain Banks burst on the literary scene with his extraordinary debut novel, The Wasp Factory, which was published in 1984. This was followed by Walking on Glass (1985), The Bridge (1986) and Espedair Street, his fourth novel, in 1987. In short, though like almost all Banks novels, reducing the plot to a single sentence removes almost all of the colour and strangeness of the book, Espedair Street tells the (fictional) story of the rise to fame of Dan “Weird” Weir, bass guitarist in multimillion selling rock behemoths Frozen Gold, and of his continual struggles to be happy now that he is rich, famous and bored out of his skull, as the group is on indefinite hiatus.

Weird starts out in the Ferguslie Park area of Paisley in a very underprivileged Catholic family. He is impressed by a group named Frozen Gold when he sees them live, in the Students’ Union Bar of Paisley College of Technology, and auditions with them. After he joins the band, he ends up writing all their material and playing bass guitar as the band rises to super stardom in the drug and booze-fuelled 1970s. He reminisces about those experiences from 1980s Glasgow, where he lives as a recluse in a Victorian folly, ever since the tragic events which led to the temporary but lengthy pause in the band’s world domination. He is posing as his own caretaker, and his friends McCann and Wee Tommy know him as Jimmy Hay. After a memorable fight in a nightclub, his real identity is revealed. He has grown uncomfortable with fame and wealth, and eventually visits his first girlfriend, Jean Webb, now living in Arisaig, out in the wilds near Mallaig in the Scottish Highlands.

The band Frozen Gold is loosely modelled on Pink Floyd or Fleetwood Mac, although Banks has said that the character of Weird was in part inspired by Fish, the ex-Marillion singer and lyricist. There is a tone of rock journalism in the parts of the book about Frozen Gold, although crucially, and effectively, Banks makes no effort whatsoever to describe the sound produced by Frozen Gold, allowing the reader to conjure sounds from their own imagination.  As Banks' first novel to eschew 'special effects', not being Gothic horror like The Wasp Factory, a literary mystery like Walking on Glass, or science fiction like The Bridge, most critics regard it as one of his most accessible works. Incidentally, Espedair Street is also a real street in Charleston, Paisley, where some of the significant events in the book take place.

Looking at the book objectively, it is more of a novel of character, specifically how an ordinary person deals with extraordinary events in their life, such as unimaginable wealth and insane levels of fame, while wanting to remain a down to earth bloke. This is what makes it work all the more effectively. In contrast, Kevin Sampson's second novel, Powder, which ostensibly reflects some of his experiences of the music business with The Farm and Produce Records, and subsequent adventures in Ibiza, is more of a performative autobiography than anything realistic. As a public-school boy growing up in an avowedly working-class city, Sampson had to work hard to show his credentials and adopted an air of false authenticity when working with The Farm. If their dull, worthy, indie plod offered them no lasting place in rock’s great pantheon, other than another, interminably cheesy Christmas slice of pop pap in All Together Now, then Sampson is prepared to spin the yarn that their time on the road made Led Zep’s adventures (Google “Shark Episode” for further reference) seem like a vicarage tea party with McFly and The Housemartins.

The main problem is that The Revs, the band at the centre of Powder, just don’t seem to be worth bothering with. A weak as water guitar band, presumably akin to the infamous Colon from The Fast Show’s brilliant Indie Club pastiche, their single album stardom and fall into obscurity seems a fitting trajectory for them, while any hope that the reader will sympathise with their manager, Wheezer, a light-fingered pornography addict, is scuppered by his endless immoral acts. All in all, Powder shows why rock band novels is such a niche genre; my advice to all potential authors would be, don’t write about what doesn’t need to be written about.

POSTSCRIPT: In the months following this review, I managed to read 2 further novels about being in a group. One of them, To Rise in the Dark, by Mancunian postman Nick J Brown, is a tremendous read. Three once-teenage bandmates meet up again after 30 years at the funeral of the other original member. Accompanied by the deceased’s daughter, they go on a Mancunian pub crawl and during it scores are settled and axes ground. It’s a book that boasts excellent character delineation, a realistic and manageable plot, along with punchy dialogue and real sense of location. Like all the best writing about music, it doesn’t dance about architecture, as there is no attempt to describe the music itself. Instead, you care for these three ageing, fallible blokes for the people they were and are, and obviously for the distraught daughter as well. There’s a minor shock at the end, like all good books, but nothing terrible happens, which I was glad about. I strongly recommend this book to you.

The other, The Last Mad Surge of Youth by Mark Hodkinson came into my possession when I afforded myself of the wonderful offer made by Hodkinson’s now sadly defunct Pomona Press imprint, whereby the remnants of their stock was available for postage only. Now admittedly two of the books I ordered failed to turn up, but I did have the pleasure of reading two titles by publisher, owner and author, Mark Hodkinson. Having come to public notice with Life at the Top, a study of Barnsley’s sole Premier League season and later books on Man City and his own beloved Rochdale, Hodkinson branched out into fiction writing as well as football journalism. The Last Mad Surge of Youth is an enjoyable rites of passage, bildungsroman about four mates who start a band that allows three of them to become famous. Unfortunately, the most famous and talented of them become a self-hating, destructive alcoholic, whose only chance of redemption is the process of having his autobiography ghostwritten by a long-lost pal who’d once been in the band but stayed at home to be a small-town journalist and got into a rut. There is also the unspoken ghost of a woman who came between them and left them both. It’s a good read, closer in scope to Powder than the magisterial This is Memorial Device. You could look for copies here: https://www.pomonauk.com/

 

 

 

 

 

 

Atelic Club

The season’s done. My whites are washed, and the cricket bag is back in the spare room wardrobe. I’ve loved this season, despite everything, and have no plans to retire yet. So, here are the numbers for my 2025 season. 18 times selected, 14 games played, involving 1 win, 13 defeats, 2 abandonments and 2 concessions. I took 4 wickets at 25 each. I scored 16 runs at a pleasing average 2, run out 4 times, bowled 3 and stumped once. Twice not out and 4 times DNB. Here’s a look at the last 6 weeks of a season when Tynemouth 3s finished bottom of NTCL Division 5 Central.

August 9^th:

This day will go down as one of the best days in the whole of the 2025 season as, for the first time, all 3 senior sides were victorious in their respective fixtures. Pride of place must go to the first XI, who comprehensively defeated previously unbeaten table toppers Burnmoor at Preston Avenue by the impressive margin of 6 wickets. Bowling first, Tynemouth dismissed Burnmoor for 166. The day began with George Stewart taking the first three wickets to fall, two in his first over, and returning the excellent analysis of 5-1-17-3. The visitors never really recovered from the shock of being 16/3, as Bish (15-4-35-2), as well as a run out, and skipper Martin Pollard (14-3-30-2) bowled with accuracy and menace. Dan McGee and the unretired Phil Morse also took a wicket each, meaning the target for Tynemouth was an eminently gettable one. So it proved, with Ben Debnam and Jack Roys each contributing 46, Faizan Ghumann (30) and Robbie Bowman (23*) seeing the Croons home after only 46 overs. This win lifts Tynemouth out of the relegation zone and offers a real opportunity for progress in the remaining 5 fixtures.

The 2s travelled to Tynedale and found things difficult with the ball on the tight ground in Hexham, with the home side posting a daunting 291/3 from 55 overs. On a day when bowling figures are harsh reading, Josh Koen (10-3-33-1) fared best. However, this was a day for batters and almost the whole side contributed to a fantastic win, achieved with 3 balls to spare. Chris Fairley and Zach Larner, enjoying something of a Bradman 1930 summer, top scored with 62 each. Marcus Turner made 45 and the victory was achieved courtesy of Barry Stewart’s unbeaten 55, though Chad Koen (19), Patrick Hallam (16) and skipper Andrew Smith (11*) all played their part as well

The week has seen a seismic change in the fortunes of the Saturday 3s, who are no longer bottom of NTCL Division 5 Central. Firstly news came from the league that Leadgate had fielded an ineligible player in 5 games earlier in the season, for which indiscretion they had their pants pulled down to the extent of having 124 points deducted. One of those games was on April 26^th at home to Tynemouth, which has been awarded to the gallant Croons, presenting us with 30 points for the game, rather than the 6 amassed on the day. As your correspondent was in Aberdeen that day, watching Cove Rangers 2 Kelty Hearts 2, he can take no credit for this unexpected bonus. However, courtesy of a battling 1 (run out) on Saturday against Belsay, after suffering a sickening blow to the elbow that almost rendered him hors de combat, he played his part as the 3s strolled to 1 wicket win over Belsay, with whom they swapped places.

With regular skipper Richard Hay enjoying the sights of the Antrim Coast, rather too late for the golf at Royal Portrush alas, the team was helmed by Alosh Jose. In a feat leadership that would have met with Hay’s approval, Jose bowled a quite remarkable spell of 8-3-9-3, supported superbly by George Bogg, who also took 3 wickets, and Ansel Anil with 2. As a result, Belsay were dismissed for 118 in approximately 35 overs. In reply, the young tyros Adam Blake (28), who is quickly becoming an aggressive attacking opener, Will Bogg (20), George Bogg (19) and Kai-Lewis Main (17) had the game seeming won at 93/2 after 14 overs. Once Main had been needlessly run out, the old guard proved less durable at the wicket, so it was left to Alan Hiscock (0*), but a wonderful catch in the first innings and debutant Kim McKenna (2*) to steer the team home. Kim’s nerveless performance was a joy to behold and the voluble applause as she effortlessly pushed the winning run off her hip and down to the vacant fine leg area, were both warranted and sincere. This made my birthday weekend one I’ll treasure forever.

The Sunday 3s also travelled to Tynedale. The home side batted first and made 215/8, with George Bogg picking up 2/39 and wickets for both Aditjandras, Lewis Hurst and Olly Hiscock. In reply, despite a wonderful knock by Stewart (77), an excellent supporting effort by Ewan Aditjandra (37) and a brave innings by Cameron Donachie (23), Tynemouth fell short by an agonising 3 runs, closing on 212/9.

This was to be the sole victory I was involved in the entire season. It was a fairly hairy one as well. The opposition only had 10 and didn’t know how to score, so it was lucky we dismissed them with plenty of overs to spare. At 93/2, I was umpiring and enjoying our batting performance as we seemingly cruised to victory. Wickets fell at a clatter. I got ready, strode in at 9, hit a single, kept the bowling and, with 3 needed, essayed a suicidal single to midwicket. Inevitably I was out by miles and therefore hid in the container, avoiding seeing the next over. When scores were level, I peeked out and saw Kim hit the winning run. Oh how marvellous it felt not to lose, but the opposition team were great sports as well. The atmosphere in the club was celebratory that night I can tell you. Possibly for the only time all year.

August 16^th:

On Saturday 16^th August, Tynemouth CC first XI played host to Ashington at Preston Avenue. One player not available for selection was Robbie Bowman, but for the best of reasons, as Robbie had made his debut for Durham's 1^st team the night before in the One Day Cup against Northants. He did well too, scoring 27 runs off 34 balls and taking a smart catch behind the stumps. Everyone at Tynemouth was delighted to learn of his selection and we all wish him well in the future, having watched his rapid development over the past few years. Robbie first played for Tynemouth as a 10 year old in our under 13 team scoring 30 not out (retired) on debut in 2018. Since then he has scored over 4,000 runs for the Club and developed into one of the best young players in the North East.

Meanwhile, his erstwhile colleagues pulled off another highly important win, their second in a row, completing the double over Ashington in the process. The visitors batted first and had a calamitous start to their innings, falling to 0-2 as Bish was on a hattrick in the first over. Eventually Bish returned the magnificent figures of 9-4-24-4, as Ashington stumbled to 11-3, 29-4 and 51-5. They recovered somewhat to 225 all out, with the unretired Phil Morse (3-47) and captain Martin Pollard (1-30) exercising control when other pace bowlers struggled to match Bish’s brilliance. Early in the innings, Dan McGee split the webbing between his fingers, preventing him from bowling and necessitating a trip to A&E, causing Jonathan Larner to step up to the plate and field. Thankfully, Dan returned and was able to bat, with his 21 proving pivotal as Tynemouth won the game with a leg bye off the final ball of their scheduled 45 overs, by a margin of one wicket. There were many helpful contributions to this excellent team performance. Stan McAlindon (43) top scored, with Jack Roys (42) pushing him close. The two Matts, Kimmitt (39) and Brown (27) also weighed in with important runs and Phil Morse’s 20 cannot be ignored either. With 4 games to go, Tynemouth are 9^th in the table, 9 points above the drop zone. It is imperative the team keep this momentum going forward into the away game at Sunderland next week.

The 2s began their week by bowing out of the Roseworth Trophy at the semi-final stage, losing an away game to Felling by 45 runs. The home side batted first, posting 134-5, with George Bogg claiming 2 wickets. In reply, Tynemouth subsided to 89 all out, despite early runs from Zach Larner (28) and Andrew Davison (25). On Saturday, they travelled to Ashington and gave a much better account of themselves but still lost by 26 runs. Ashington made 243-8, with the mature pairing of Barry Stewart and Richy Hay each claiming two scalps. The returning Matty Walton also took a wicket and contributed a handy 41 in support of Andy Linehan (77), who was the top scorer. Despite a helpful 28 from Chad Koen, the total proved too much for Tynemouth, who ended on 217-9.

After the elation of last week’s convincing win over Belsay, the Saturday 3s fell back to the bottom of the table after losing to Washington 2s by 3 wickets. Batting first, Tynemouth could only muster 74. Top scorers were Alex Tugby (23) and Rich Harland (16), before a lovely, late order cameo by the swashbuckling ian cusack (5), before he was predictably run out. Each bowler did their best in a losing cause, with Olly Hiscott (1-16), Cameron Donachie (1-10), the lovely, flighted off spin of Alex Littlefair (1-16) and the lethal full tosses of Rich Harland (2-23), one of which saw the sprightly cusack take an acrobatic catch at mid-wicket, kept Tynemouth in the game until the very end. It was a great team performance that included two women players (Jen Fingland and Kim McKenna), causing furious debate as to what collective noun would be used to describe the team (“comrades” being the most popular choice). A word must be given in praise of debutant Bibin Nainan, who recovered from the setback of being given out LBW first ball by the myopic cusack, to take two superb catches and effect a run out. This team tries their very hearts out, whatever the line-up or opposition.

The Sunday 3s completed their campaign with a comprehensive home win over Felling Academy, assuring them of third place in the table. Batting first, Tynemouth made an imposing 258-7 from their 35 overs, largely down to a remarkable performance by Zach Larner. His unbeaten 171 came from 92 balls, with 26 boundaries and one maximum. Second top scorer was Joel Hull-Denholm (32) and Cameron Donachie (17) also chipped in. Felling’s reply was 186-9, with 3 wickets for Joe Chater and two each for George Bogg and Cameron Donachie. Well done to the youngsters!!

This was a really good competitive game for us. Easy to say now, but if we’d got to three figures, we’d have won this. I actually batted quite well, as 5 was my second highest score of the season. Tickled my first ball down to fine leg for a couple, when a proper player would have flicked it over the fence at square leg. Hit the next one back over the bowler’s head for another 2, which would have been a boundary if I could time the ball properly. Another single out to point and then, in the next over, I called another single to mid-off and was well short. Man has to know his limitations. Did take a good catch at midwicket from Richie Harland, but didn’t get a bowl as they squeezed home, with 10, by 3 wickets. A nice day out in the sun, enjoying a couple of pints outside their clubhouse in the sun. It’s a real shame how Washington have fallen from grace in recent years and I wish them well in the Durham league, where they are transferring to for next year.

 August 23^rd:

Another great Saturday for Tynemouth Cricket Club, with both the first XI and the 2s winning their games against Sunderland 1s and 2s quite comfortably. This was of particular importance to Kieron Grimshaw, who has joined Tynemouth until the end of the replacement for Bish. Having been selected to play for North East Zone in the Duleep Cup which begins next week, Bish has returned home to India after a productive and personally successful stint with The Croons, for which we are all immensely grateful. His replacement, arriving from Rishton in the Lancashire League, who have previously employed such storied professionals as Syndney Barnes, Allan Donald, Michael Holding and Viv Richards, Grimmy is a genuine all-rounder, bowling at a brisk medium pace and batting right handed. He is a supporter of his hometown team Burnley, who also enjoyed the support of Kieron’s team mates yesterday as they dismantled Sunderland football club with the same degree of ease as Tynemouth did to their cricket team.

Batting first at Ashbrooke in a game where victory was the only option available, Tynemouth posted a formidable 270/6 from their 45 overs. Plaudits go to centurion Stan McAlindon (101) and another fine knock from Matty Brown (76). Ben Debnam (32*) provided great support, coming in lower down the order. In reply, Sunderland never looked remotely like making the runs required after the new pro reduced the home side to 16/2. Grimmy’s analysis of 8-2-16-3 will do for starters on debut. Sunderland eventually closed on 171, with other notable bowling contributions from skipper Martin Pollard (2-15), Andrew Smith (2-41), Dan McGee (2-58) and the economical Josh Koen (1-23). With sides around us in the table also winning, Tynemouth remain 9 points from relegation, making next week’s home game against Hetton Lyons another must win fixture.

Tynemouth 2s hosted Sunderland 2s at Preston Avenue and eventually prevailed by 5 wickets. Batting first, the visitors closed on 182/6 with Neil Bennett (2-30) and Noah Rae (2-53) the pick of the bowlers. The 2s scored the runs required with a shade under 13 overs to spare, for the loss of 5 wickets, including the clear LBW of the season for club chair Andy Lineham (2). The main run scorers were Marcus Turner (58), Chris Fairley (54*) and Patrick Hallam (42).

Tragically, the Saturday 3s were stricken by unavailability and could only muster 8 players for the game at home to Annfield Plain 2s. The inevitable concession, the fourth of the season, leaves them 20 points adrift at the bottom of the table. Such a shame after all the effort that has been put in by everyone involved. Your correspondent was thus free to indulge in his other sporting love, Percy Main Amateurs FC. They lost 6-1 at home to Hexham.

A pretty rotten day as holidays meant we couldn’t get a team out, making for a wholly unacceptable fourth concession of the season. The least said about events at Percy Main the better. At least I got to a great gig that night, seeing Lava Mouse in Whitley Bay. Oh, the words in praise of Grimmy were rather wasted, as he turned his ankle the next day and was ruled out for the season. Typical…

 August 30^th:

Despite posting an impressive 261/6 from their 45 overs at Preston Avenue, Tynemouth first XI lost a potentially crucial game to Hetton Lyons by a margin of 4 wickets. The home side’s total was largely made up of efforts by Faizan Ghumman (71), Matty Brown (67), Stan McAlindon (52*) and Matthew Kimmitt (44). When Tynemouth reduced the visitors to 139/5 after 27.3 overs, with 3 wickets for Brown, it looked as if a home win was in the post. Sadly, a game-changing 6^th wicket partnership of 124 in 14 overs swung the contest the way of Hetton Lyons. They considerably eased their relegation worries, as did Ashington who won away at Chester le Street. The team currently in second bottom place are Shotley Bridge, whose game with Burnopfield was rained off. Tynemouth, who hold a slender 9 point advantage, visit Shotley Bridge next Saturday.

Meanwhile Tynemouth 2s had a considerably better afternoon at Hetton Lyons. Batting first, they made 224 all out from 42.1 overs. Marcus Turner (61) top scored, with support coming from Ben Debnam (46) and Joel Hull-Denholm (40). In response, Hetton were dismissed for 86, giving Tynemouth the victory by a margin of 138 runs. Skipper Andrew Smith (5/22) was the star of the show, ably assisted by Neil Bennett (2/14). The 2s currently sit in 5^th place in NEPL Division 2.

The 2s lost again, by 9 wickets to Cowgate 2s. Batting first, Tynemouth made 110 from 32 overs, with notable contributions from both George and Will Bogg. Unfortunately, Cowgate decided to avoid the chance of rain affecting the outcome by scoring the runs required for the loss of one wicket (a stunning catch by Richard Harland from the bowling of Cameron Donachie) in 8.4 overs.

To my enormous chagrin, I wasn’t originally selected for this fixture. However, the usual raft of withdrawals meant I got my game after all. As expected, they put us in to bat and, in the context of our season, 100 wasn’t bad. I came in at 9 again and edged my first ball from a quickie over the slips, but not with enough power to reach the rope. Alosh played out the rest of that over and I faced the office from the other end. Five dot balls; three missed and two hit on the pads, miles outside the line, so I decided to give him the charge. Huge race down the pitch, missed it by a mile and stumped again. We took a wicket in the first over then their batters bludgeoned us to all parts of the ground, and it was over in a flash. Unsurprisingly, Cowgate went up as Champions.

September 6^th:

Following a damaging 26-run loss away to Shotley Bridge, Tynemouth first XI find themselves in a relation spot with one round of fixtures to go. The season will end with the visit of South Northumberland to Preston Avenue next Saturday, a daunting enough prospect at the best of times. Even if Tynemouth win, their fate is still not in their own hands as they are still reliant on either, or both, Ashington losing away to Newcastle and Shotley Bridge losing at home to Castle Eden. However, the team retains belief that they can maintain the record of being one of only 3 sides never to have been relegated from the North East Premier League since its inception.

On Saturday, Shotley Bridge batted first and posted 264/9, with wickets being claimed by Andrew Smith (3/30), Matty Brown (3/42) and Dan McGee (2/41). This was a stiff target and, despite fine contributions from Brown and Matthew Kimmitt, both of whom scored 57, supported by Faizan Ghumann (28) and Stan McAlindon (22), Tynemouth were all out for 238, leaving the final day shootout detailed above to decide the club’s fate.

Tynemouth 2s shaded a compelling contest against Benwell Hill by 4 wickets. The Hill batted first and made 226/8, with Neil Bennett (2/33) and George Stewart (2/45) the pick of the bowlers. In reply, the 2s made it home off the last ball, with Marcus Turner (94*) leading the way, ably supported by Stewart (37), Andrew Linehan (25) and Chris Fairley (21). Regardless of next week’s results, they will finish in 5^th place in NEPL Division 2, which is a respectable state of affairs.

The Saturday 3s were already condemned to relegation and the 231-run loss to GEMS 2s on the back field was immaterial to final league results. Because of injury and unavailability, the role of captain fell to the ageless ian cusack, who won the toss and very little else thereafter. Opting to field first, for the purpose of making as long a game of it as possible and giving as many players as possible a bowl, this objective was achieved, with 7 players turning their arm over as GEMS posted a mammoth 275/2. In a sense, this did not matter as Archie Goel (2/63), Cameron Donachie and Kim McKenna all bowled their full allocation in an entirely praiseworthy manner. Harrison Goel and Adam Blake also acquitted themselves admirably. However, the less said about Richard Harland and the skipper’s efforts the better. In reply, Tynemouth sadly never really made a contest of it, subsiding to 44 all out, with Arthur King (13) top scoring and hitting the only boundary of the innings. That said, everyone was involved and stuck at it to the end. Seeing Harrison Goel, in at 11, reverse sweep the first ball he faced made the whole thing worthwhile.

From not being selected initially last week, to having to captain this week. It’s a thankless task when you’re at home: sorting drinks, organising the batting line up, rotating the bowlers. I made a decision in advance that if we won the toss, I was going to bowl, which I did. This disappointed both their skipper and the umpire, both of whom clearly wanted a sharp finish. My reasoning was, I wanted to give everyone a bowl and I did; full 9 overs from Archie, Cameron and Kim, 4 each for me and Richy (I went for a million), 3 from Blakey as we was the only left armer available and 2 for young Harrison. They may have got 275/2, but I reckon I did the right thing. Sadly, we didn’t do anything with the bat, though I hit a couple of singles for an unbeaten 2. All about the red inkers in this game. Enjoyed a few pints afterwards with ex-teammates Jimmy Carr and Jim Scoffham to make it a canny day out, despite the result.

 September 13^th:

Sadly, Tynemouth first XI’s attempt at the great escape from relegation on the final day of the 2025 cricket season ended in a whimper, not a bang. Despite Shotley Bridge losing and Ashington seeing their game rained off, Tynemouth were not able to secure the win that would have resulted in safety. Rain curtailed the visit of South Northumberland, meaning only 27 overs were possible before the weather intervened. South Northumberland had advanced to an intimidating 172-1 at this point, with Dan McGee taking the sole wicket to fall.  An afternoon of intermittent showers and strong sunlight was eventually brought to a halt, despite the sterling efforts of groundsman Paul Jackson and the home team to get the game on, at 5.40pm. This confirmed Tynemouth’s relegation, and the sad reality is that the end of season table does not lie. Demotion was borne with dignity by the team, who will seek to bounce back next season, under a new skipper as Martin Pollard has announced his retirement from senior cricket. We thank him and all the players for their unstinting efforts in what has been a difficult season.

There was little to cheer about in the reverse fixture at Roseworth Terrace, where the 2s lost by 7 wickets. Batting first, they were dismissed for 101, with Zach Larner (26) and Barry Stewart (23*) providing some resistance. South North reached the target in 24 overs, with wickets for Andrew Davison and Joe Snowdon. As stated last week, the 2s finished the season in a respectable 5^th place in NEPL Division 2.

Meanwhile, an approximation of the true spirit of aquatic cricket took place on the back field at Preston Avenue. Playing away to Lions, who sublet the ground, Tynemouth 3s fell to a routine 8 wicket defeat. Invited to bat first by a Lions team who had one eye on the weather, the 3s managed 50 all out. Adam Blake (12) attacked from the off and joint top scored with Ben Harland (12) who accumulated his runs doggedly. At the end of the innings, a torrential downpour could have brought proceedings to an untimely and unsatisfactory close. However, those present were gathered to play cricket and, postponing tea, the sides turned round with alacrity. Lions deserved the win and this they duly achieved in 7 overs for the loss of two wickets. The first was claimed by ollie Hiscott, who belatedly celebrated his birthday in style (and a dozen luxurious cupcakes provided by his parents). The second and final wicket was another triumph in a season of them by the experienced cusack, who augmented his eye-catching 0 in the Croons’s innings, by having Rahman stumped from an extravagantly flighted delivery. It was a ball worthy of bringing down the curtain on any season, especially one as woeful as the one just endured by the 3s. Next season will see them competing in Division 6 Central, with the enticing prospect of the white hot atmosphere of local derbies against the likes of Monkseaton 2s, Percy Main 2s and Whitley Bay 2s.

Obviously the 1s relegation cast a cloud over the whole day, but quite a few drinks and some great chat with a load of folks helped to overcome the results. We expected to get stuffed, and we did, but in the right way. After everyone getting a bowl last week, we all got a bat this time. Though my 5-ball duck won’t live long in the memory. Bowled middle stump, beaten all ends up, no arguments about that. Enjoyed having a bowl. First time I’ve taken a wicket in a jumper and a downpour. Lots of pints and even some shots of Sambuca, not to mention several large G&Ts healed the pain on Saturday night, while reinforcing it on Sunday.

Winter well everyone.