Mind Forged Manacles

(Originally published in Percy Main v Ashington Colliers programme on 19th March 2011)

Why does cold reality never match up to our fond imaginings? Take the Premier League results of Saturday March 5^th. Arsenal were odds on to beat a Mackem side who’d lost their last 4, Man United had to be fancied to bounce back away to the hated Dirties, resolute Villa would no doubt get at least a point at the Reebok and Newcastle were shoo-ins to complete a double over Everton. If those results had happened, The Magpies would be currently sat in 6^th place, with the chance of a Europa League spot and we’d all be referring to the Mackems as North East Crisis Club sunderland. Instead, with none of them happening, Newcastle fans of my acquaintance have now decided that, since their team managed to lose their first game in 5 and second in 11, leaving them in 9^th spot, 6 points above the drop zone with 9 games to go, that they might be going down. Have some belief for goodness sake!

The reason for this witless gloom is said to be the threadbare nature of the squad and, in particular, the absence of Joey Barton. This may be a controversial thing to say, but you have to feel sorry for Barton. Having been largely a passenger for the first 3 years of his time on Tyneside, he’s been brilliant this season (alongside Nolan and Tiote, whose 6 year contract is viewed with suspicion by those I’ve talked with) and was ready to sign a new contract on the day Carroll was sold. That deal meant all bets were off and the Gallowgate rumour mill has Barton not injured, but on strike. As the press who, in the shape of The Grauniad’s Lousie Taylor, fingered Barton for a non-existent Nazi salute celebration versus Villa and an imagined elbow against Liverpool, regularly hang him out to dry without a scintilla of hard evidence, have not picked up on this, I think we can assume it is fiction. However, just imagine the reaction of the tabloid hacks and FA top brass if Barton had shot a work experience kid with an air rifle, like the loathsome Ashley Cole has been identified as doing, or enacted either the Wigan elbow like Rooney or Carragher’s challenge on Nani. We’d be talking lifetime bans.

I’ve spent a bit of time with semi organised Newcastle fans of late. Firstly, the day bitter old Kevin Krackpot launched another misguided, populist tirade at the club he walked out on twice and then sued for as much as he could get, which Derek Llambias correctly pointed out could have caused Newcastle United irreparable fiscal damage, a “meeting of the minds” involving several supporters’ groups, took place in the Irish Club, to try and chew the fat about where to go next as regards fan representation and organisation on an official and unofficial level. Former NUST committee members Bill Corcaran, Steve Hastie and Neil Mitchell called the meeting, as the club had hinted at being amenable to representatives of supporters being invited to discuss burning issues among the support with NUFC executives. Newcastle United have made it clear that they will not talk to NUST, so this symposium was called to explore this possibility.

In attendance were representatives from Toon Talk fanzine, as well as many pressure groups, websites, message boards and bloggers. The guiding principle from the off was that any future organisation wouldn’t be an organisation, but an umbrella group, comprising a loose amalgamation of any interested parties, where all opinions and viewpoints were welcomed and not a new, fully constituted fan group. This seemed important to me, as that route involved a lot of work and the chance to run in to the kind of negativity that NUST’s impotence has engendered among fans. What occurred to me was that Newcastle’s support is as fractured and contradictory as the messages coming out of SJP; at the same time as the L7 singing section is closed, a brilliant 10 year season ticket deal is offered. Barton doesn’t sign a contract and Enrique looks like being punted as well, while Tiote pens a massively long deal. No wonder those at our meeting displayed a massive range of opinions, which was entirely in keeping with the breadth of support Newcastle United has.

Meanwhile, despite the fact NUST has died (17 at their AGM showed that), new Chair Norman Watson embarked on a bolting of the stable door charm offensive, sending two emails in successive days in early March to invite me to a presentation on fan ownership by a representative from Supporters Direct at Northumbria University. I didn’t go, mainly because I was working, but I’ve heard nothing substantial emerged. Basically it reinforced my belief that the person at our meeting on the Tuesday who advocated Trotskyist entrism to take over NUST for the next election had it wrong; NUST is irredeemable. The only way forward is the umbrella talking shop reporting to Messrs Corcoaran, Hastie and Mitchell, with them taking the consensus of involved fans to a meeting with the club.

Two cheers for democracy eh?

Northern League Day: April 9th 2011

On April 9th, Andy & Michael Hudson have organised Northern League Day, which is a commendable idea that you can read about here http://northernleagueday.wordpress.com/

My contribution to it is this piece about West Allotment Celtic who host Benfield in the Coach Lane Classico that day......

Ground Guide: Whitley Park (aka Blue Flames)

Northern League Day Fixture:

West Allotment Celtic v Newcastle Benfield

One of the enduring frustrations of following non-league football is the vagary of the fixture list. Same as The Premiership, the summer sees a comprehensive list of games published. However, at this level, the clubs are required to follow several masters who are in a strictly defined pecking order. First of all, the FA Cup, secondly the FA Vase, thirdly the County FA, fourthly the League cup and finally the League programme. Consequently, the best laid plans set out in July heat can be ruined before the leaves have left the trees. Even worse than the decisions of the Blue Blazers, are the effects of the climate on games.

This game, which is the only true derby that is taking place on Northern League Day, should have been played on Wednesday November 10^th. However, the notoriously porous Blue Flames turf, was declared unplayable after a couple of hours moderate drizzle, which necessitated me attending the horrific car crash game that was Newcastle United 1 Blackburn Rovers 2. As a Benfield fan, this is another reason to dislike West Allotment, even though I don’t really.

In fact, even as a Benfield fan, it is almost certain I won’t be at a Northern League game on Northern League Day as my Saturday responsibilities extend to following my first love, Percy Main Amateurs of the Northern Alliance Premier Division. Of course, the Alliance top brass keep their cards close to their chest, so as a result, we probably won’t find out whom we’re playing until a fortnight beforehand. However, I’ve been to Blue Flames often enough to know the ground intimately.

Looking at the games listed on April 9^th, I would say that every other Division One fixture is being played at grounds with more charm and more atmosphere, though not necessarily better facilities than Blue Flames. Whitley Park, to give it its proper name (Blue Flames is a nickname that dates back to when it was the British Gas sports complex, in the same way that Newcastle United’s adjoining training facility Darsley Park used to be the Civil Service Sport Ground), is owned by the Northumberland FA and while WAC are the principal tenants, it is used for all NFA representative games and cup finals, bar the Senior Cup which still takes place at SJP. Newcastle United have often used Blue Flames for reserve games and a particularly dire 0-0 with Everton on a Monday night in February 2004 destroyed the previously immaculate turf, as the club insisted the game went ahead so Craig Bellamy could get some match practice, though a game a week or so later when WAC lost 1-0 at home to Cray Wanderers in the last 8 of the FA Vase, watched by almost 1,500 punters, was equally culpable. As a result Whitley Park is often one of the first call-offs when the sky empties itself.

West Allotment Celtic, formed in 1928, initially played at Holystone, then moved to the Farm Ground in 1938, before arriving at Backworth Welfare in 1968, which was to be home until they became tenants of the Northumberland FA at Whitley Park in 2001. Having spent their formative years in the Tyneside Amateur League, Allotment’s glory period started in 1984 when they joined the Northern Alliance, where they won 8 titles before joining the Northern League in 2004, claiming the Second Division Championship in their debut season. They’ve stayed in the top flight ever since, but 11 straight league losses from November to the end of February saw the club tumble in to the bottom 3. Having seen them lose witlessly 2-0 at home to Tow Law on February 19^th and unluckily 2-1 at Benfield a few days later, they look doomed.

The easiest way to get to Blue Flames, which is on the A191 Whitley Road in Benton (post code NE12 9SF) by public transport, is by Metro. Don’t bother try to get a bus; there isn’t one. Get off at Benton. If you’ve travelled from the coast you’re on the correct side, but if you’ve come from town, walk underneath the tracks, and head up Station Road to the traffic lights about 100 yards ahead. At the lights cross the main A191 and turn left; Blue Flames is almost directly in front of you. Alternatively, for thirsty fans, get off at the previous / next stop Four Lane Ends. Come left out the Metro and take the first left on to the A191, which is Benton Front Street at that point. The first pub is the Benton Ale House, a charming, quiet spot with always a choice of 4 good quality Real Ales on offer. After that is the Black Bull, a TJ Bernard one room identikit noisy youngsters bar selling Magners and Carling, then thirdly is the excellent Ship, which always has a good selection of cask beers as well. There isn’t any fast food outlet, but all the pubs do food and there is a curry house and pizza place if you feel the need for a sit down job. I don’t mean a poo either.

Entrance at Blue Flames is £4 (£2 concessions), programmes (which used to be a superb effort by club Press Officer Stephen Allott) are £1 and there’s a golden goal raffle for 50p. There is a pricey bar selling keg beers (the Guinness isn’t bad) and a snack bar doing hot drinks and pies, which closes just after half time.

As far as the two clubs are concerned, this is a local rivalry, but not an ancient one as Benfield were only formed in 1989. West Allotment are a club with around 70 hard core fans, who are in their twilight years in the main. I do worry what will happen when the current committee get too decrepit to carry on. Relegation may not be kind for the club, though striker Nathan Roper, newly arrived from D2 Birtley where he bagged 20 goals, is a good signing and may have something to say about this sad state of affairs.

Benfield don’t have appreciably more fans, but they are younger, more enthusiastic, generally on the committee or at least involved. To a man they are proper East End Geordie lads. When Benfield won the League and Cup double in 2009, I went to the end of season do; it was at The Turbinia on the Fossway, in Walker, or Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalkaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa as people from Walker call it. They don’t stand on ceremony, but Paul Baker’s side are one of the best around. Players to look out for include keeper Andrew Grainger, a former public schoolboy who has been an England beach football international, centre half pairing the teak tough Kev Leighton and the cultured ex West Ham apprentice Phil Lumsden, the Walkergate Socrates Paul Anthony in midfield, chunky winger Adam Scope and superb natural finisher Michael Chilton, who started his career with WAC.

If I had to make a prediction, I’d go for West allotment Celtic 1 Newcastle Benfield 3. However, most importantly, I hope it’s a quality game with a good crowd, who show their faces at a non league game again.

A Brave & Valiant Few

(Originally published in Percy Main v Stocksfield programme 5th March 2011)

The 2010 Irish domestic football season ended in a triumphant vindication of the League of the Ireland when League Cup winners Sligo Rovers defeated Champions Shamrock Rovers 3-0 in a penalty shootout to win the FAI Cup in front of a crowd of 36,000 at the AVIVA Stadium, with Bit o’ Red keeper Ciaran Kelly saving all the spot kicks the Tallaght Corinthians fired at him. However, within weeks of the curtain coming down back in mid November, stories of clubs in serious financial trouble began to be heard.

Perhaps the most parlous tale involved Ireland’s oldest and arguably most highly respected team, Bohemians. As has been noted elsewhere, the Irish economy has been in a wee bit of bother since the property bubble burst in 2008. Big Club were caught up in this catastrophic crash when, against all their expectations and financial planning projections, they failed to sell their charming, atmospheric but decidedly decrepit Dalymount Park ground in Phibsborough on da nort soide to fund a move away to a new build stadium out by the airport. Having lost out in the race for the title to their hated cross city rivals Shamrock Rovers on the last day of last season, fiscal fissures immediately cracked their economic edifice wide apart, when their continued presence at the ground that has been their home since 1901 was confirmed. As a result, players didn’t get paid and several threatened to sue The Gypsies, who were issued with a winding up order.

After frantic behind the scenes fund raising and politicking, disaster was averted, no doubt by providing the kind of Paddy the Plasterer dig outs only Fianna Fail politicians are used to getting, and consequently the club managed to continue, despite only having 4 registered players, with all debts cleared by February 22^nd, enabling them to amass a new squad for the coming season, though not soon enough to allow them to play any pre season friendlies. It was touch and go for a while, but at least they survived, in the same way as a post Nick Leeson Galway United (he was their Chief Executive, I kid you not) and Limerick stayed afloat; by the skin of their teeth after successful appeals to the League of Ireland saw them granted the full trading licence needed to operate in the Airtricity League in 2011.

Sadly, one club have gone out of existence; namely Sporting Fingal. Formed as recently as 2007 to provide “football on the rates” for the new developments in the Swords area to the north of Dublin, Fingal were admitted to the league in 2008, following the demise of Kilkenny City. Playing their home games at the Morton Athletics stadium in front of about 200 spectators, the club strived for both a top down and bottom up approach, throwing money at the first team while trying to kickstart youth sections from U7 upwards. It all seemed to be going well, with promotion and the FAI Cup secured in 2009 and a respectable 4^th place in the Premier Division, as well as a decent pair of 2-3 reverses to Maritimo of Portugal in the Europa League qualifiers to show for their 2010 endeavours. All appeared to be heading in the right direction when a seemingly mutually beneficial decision to groundshare with the skint Bohs (I loved the irony of the oldest and newest clubs playing on the same turf), when all of a sudden on 10^th February a press release announced the club would be ceasing trading with immediate effect, following the desertion of presumed financial backers.

This announcement came 3 weeks before the start of the season but, hey, no problem, the FAI, who have gone from dedicating 8 down to 3 full time staff to oversee the Airtricity League, will sort it all out. The first decision made was to reprieve 2010’s bottom placed Premier Division club Drogheda from relegation, causing their manager Bobby Browne to offer his resignation with immediate effect, explaining that the reason for his departure was “My Prerogative.” It may have something to do with the club’s entire weekly budget being slightly over £1,200. Mind, in context the prize fund for the Airtricity League has declined from £2m to £300k for the season.

Anyway, the reprieve of the men from Hunky Dory Park brought the top flight back up to its full complement of 10 teams, though Galway United’s participation was only confirmed after their licence appeal was granted. If they’d been knocked down to D1 or worse, the 1990 sunderland precedent would have been enacted. As you’ll no doubt remember when Swindon were denied a place in the top flight after financial irregularities came to light, their place wasn’t given to 18^th place top division team Sheffield Wednesday or to 3^rd place D2 side Newcastle, but to play off losers sunderland who’d finished 6^th in the second tier. Same here; runners-up Waterford United would have been overlooked in favour of play-off losers Monaghan United. However, the Miracle of Terryland Park means the West’s still awake. Yet, the most, pronounced effect of Fingal’s demise is to be felt lower down, as Drogheda’s reprieve means the First Division will operate with 11 teams in 2011, which seems an utterly mystifying decision, considering Cobh Ramblers, who were a Premier Division side as recently as 2008, were deemed financially sound enough to be granted an A Championship Licence, but have not been invited to make up the numbers in the First Division for 2011, despite only losing by the odd goal in 5 in a D1 relegation play off with Salthill last November.

Incidentally, the A Championship is a competition for LoI reserve teams and 6 “strong” non-league sides, comprising Cobh plus Castlebar Celtic, Fanad United, FC Carlow, Tralee Dynamos and Tullamore Town, split in to two regional groups. Obviously the demise of Sporting Fingal Reserves means this competition is running one team short now. Perhaps the problems with the First Division can be addressed in Leinster House as Wexford Youths owner and Juventus season ticket holder Mick Wallace TD. The former property tycoon with debts estimated to be around the thirty five million mark, who looks like Peter Stringfellow force fed on a diet of rashers and Black Porter, has somehow got himself elected to the Dail as an Independent, on a yet to be explained political platform. Personally I think it would have been best if a team made up of bankrupt property tycoons, corrupt politicians and duplicitous bankers called Gombeens United had been parachuted in to fill up the spare place.

While the FAI dealt with the uncertainty about league composition in their usual way, by telling all clubs to substitute Drogheda for Fingal in the Premier fixture list and giving the Drogs’ former presumed First Division opponents a spare weekend every 6 weeks, the cross border Setanta Shield limply kick-started the season. Viewed as glorified friendlies in the 26 Counties and an unpleasant distraction from real league action in the black north, 6 sides from each association (8 unseeded in R1, 4 seeded given byes to R2) will play 2 legged ties in front of almost deserted terracing, bar the occasional rabid sectarian loon in East Belfast or holidaying groundhopper within The Pale, before a final on 14^th May. To give a flavour of the magic of this cup, UCD drew 0-0 with Lisburn Distillery in front of a crowd of 150. In the opening round Dundalk beat Linfield, UCD and St Pat’s lost to Distillery and Cliftonville respectively and Bohs postponed their game with Portadown as they didn’t have enough players to field a team. What a shambles!

However, the real action is to be found in the Airtricity League, with fixtures getting underway on Friday March 4^th. Expect regular updates here, or go watch a game yourself via the web; http://www.rte.ie/ and http://www.tg4.ie/ show games on alternate weeks. The standard is decent and Galway United play in colours similar to Percy Main, which is good enough reason for me to tune in.

The Parting Of The Ways

June 7^th 1979 saw the first direct elections to the European Parliament in the United Kingdom. While votes were cast on a Thursday, they were not actually counted until Sunday 10^th, as the other member states voting had their polls on that day. Barely a month after Britain had become a Fascist Police State following the victory of the Tories under Thatcher, the European election results were similarly depressing, as 60 Conservatives and 17 Labour were returned to Strasbourg.

I recall watching David Dimbleby and Bob McKenzie, sans swingometer as there were no previous elections to base their psephological calculations on, showing a colour graphic of the results of all the EU states, with left wing winners in red, centrists yellow, conservatives blue and others grey. From a distance of 32 years I recall one country was shaded differently; that country was Ireland where, regardless of the political hue of those elected, the only colour used was green, despite the fact that 4 of the 15 seats were taken by the allegedly socialist Labour Party. Dimbleby explained that the only difference between the two main Irish parties, Fianna Fail and Fine Gael were what your grandparents’ opinions about partition had been 60 years previously, which caused the Canadian McKenzie to guffaw loudly.

Irish politics had first entered my consciousness aged 4 in 1968 when I asked my dad what the Clancy Brothers song The Bold Fenian Men that he was so fond of singing along with, was actually about. Same as when he explained to me what the word circumference meant when I’d seen the term used in relation to the size of football prescribed by the laws of the game, I didn’t really understand what he told me, but I nodded earnestly in agreement as he explained. Mind, 43 years on, Ireland, the Clancy Brothers and football are still probably the three subjects I’m most passionate about.

I think I probably started to form an opinion about Irish politics in August 1975. One Friday night late in August, Eamon de Valera’s death was marked by a BBC1 profile of the man. It was shown directly after the 9 O’Clock News, in place of the final, never to be screened, episode of a long forgotten satirical show called Beneath The News, which mildly irritated me at the time. However I watched the programme and, as someone who’d decided aged 9 that I was a Communist, I promptly became a Republican as well. Politically, not much has changed for me since then, though I tend only to remember the Republicanism in song when I’ve had a few. I’m intending that for this weekend coming when my friend John McQuaid, now of Maynooth County Kildare but from Boyle in County Roscommon, pays his bi-annual visit to see Newcastle fail to win at home. We’ll sink a few pints, sing a few songs and no doubt discuss the results of the Irish General Election.

In brief, following the allocation to the 166^th and final seat to Fine Gael’s Sean Kyne at 8.30am on Wednesday 2^nd March, over 100 hours after polls had closed on Friday 25^thFebruary, the scores on the doors are, Fine Gael 76, Labour 37, Fianna Fail 20 (only 1 in Dublin), Sinn Fein 14, United Left Alliance 5 and Independents 14. At one stage, former players with Sporting Fingal offered to act as TDs for Galway West, Laois Offaly and Wickow as the counts were taking so long. As ever, the result means no overall majority. Fianna Fail were the last party to achieve this in 1977, which makes their net loss of 61 seats this time around so glorious. Mind, considering that during their last administration they jettisoned one Taoiseach, Bertie Aherne, when stories of fiscal impropriety began to surface daily, then saw another Brian “Biffo” Cowan preside over the economic disintegration of the country and an alleged bail out that left most Irish people materially worse off at any time since independence, before finally choosing the humourless and confrontational Michael Martin, a man who makes Padraig Pearse seem like Emo Phillips, as the leader chosen to preside over the greatest electoral hiding in the history of the state.

One of John’s 4 TDs in Kildare North is the Labour Party’s Emmet Stagg, brother of the late Vol. Frank Stagg who died on hunger strike in Wakefield Prison in 1976. Emmet’s three main claims to fame are that he went against the wishes of his dead brother's widow, by having Frank buried in the Stagg family plot, rather than in the Mayo Republican graveyard in Ballina, as Frank had wished for, that he was told to fuck off by Green Party TD Paul Gogarty in the Dail during a debate on pension reform and that he was arrested by Gardai in a public toilet popular with male prostitutes in Phoenix Park, Dublin, though no charges were brought.

Stagg is one of 37 Labour TDs, which represents a high water mark for the Party. Do not be deceived; they are as much the enemies of the working class as David Milliband’s shower this side of the water. Pat Rabbitte may have gained credibility for bollocking Pat Carey on Prime Time (please look for this on YouTube if you’ve not seen it), but his party, despite including the ever more discredited and atrophying remnants of the Workers’ Party / Democratic Left, are currently in talks with the dismal descendents of The Blueshirts about getting hold of power. While Dev’s grandchildren in Fianna Fail have failed, The Kerry Sex Aid’s offspring are closer to Emmet than Frank in the Stagg Party stakes.

Context is required; Fianna Fail, whose name is often translated as Soldiers of Destiny, were formed by Eamon de Valera in 1926 and, since forming their first administration in 1932, have been in power for 61 of the last 79 years, with their longest stretch in opposition being just over 4 years between March 1973 and July 1977. Their ideology is allegedly social democratic, but they are in fact rabidly socially conservative and in love with mammon more than any other political party in the known world. After de Valera moved upstairs to the Irish Presidency, the party was led successively by Sean Lemass, Jack Lynch, Charlie Haughey, Albert Reynolds, Bertie Ahern, Brian “Biffo” Cowen and currently by the atrichorous Michael Martin, who bears no resemblance to any other person of that name. De Valera, Lemass and Lynch were of the flint faced, GAA playing Pioneer pin tendency, while from Haughey onwards, Fianna Fail leaders have uniformly been a rapacious collection, of shifty, shiftless, corrupt, grasping, lying bastards who should have been drummed out of the state and drowned somewhere in mid Atlantic. Martin, conscious of the reputation of his party as the best and last refuge of boozy, smug, corrupt cute hoors and gombeens, is now trying to bring back a bit of the Jesuit to Fianna Fail. If there's any justice, he’ll be as successful as Biffo was in running the State. In other words, a complete shambolic disaster of epic proportions.

Fine Gael, allegedly a kind of Celtic Soft Tory Party, though they’ve never been in power without the support of the Labour Party, were formed in 1933. They were home to the Irish Fascist brigade, The Blue Shirts as they were known, under the command of Eoin O’Duffy. Subsequently Fine Gael have spent decades trying to throw off that stain on their soul, and they’ve been partly successful, having been coalition partners 6 times, with a seventh in the offing. Since I’ve been taking notice of these things, Garrett FitzGerald, a boring, patronising West Brit snob, has been their most notable leader and Taoiseach, with non-entities Alan Dukes, John Bruton and Michael Noonan following him, before current leader, the detestable, smarmy, dwarfish, intellectual pygmy Enda Kenny took over. If Kenny is the answer to Ireland’s problems, then I’d hate to know what the question was in the first place. He'll be a complete and utter disaster as Taoiseach, not just because he's a prick, though that is a factor, but also because of the ridiculous return to slavery deal cut with the IMF by Biffo and his pals, and the fact that Fine Gael and Labour are yet more old wine in newish bottles. Eventually they'll come to their senses and realise capitalism is finished, a conclusion that is inescapable when the fate of Ireland over the last decade is examined.

Kenny’s government will no doubt be bolstered by The Labour Party, who used to be led by former rugby international, the legendary Kerry Sex Aid himself, Dick Spring; a man so bland he would have failed a personality test, whose role in politics appeared to be Ernie Wise to Garrett Fitzgerald’s Mike Winters. After the failure of subsequent leader Ruari Quinn to be recognised in a Gardai ID parade by his own family, former lefty Pat Rabbitte took over for a while. Now while he was great on telly, Rabbitte’s main dealings as leader were in destroying any Socialist principles the Labour Party had. He’s been replaced by Eamonn Gilmore, who seemed to be the only person who wanted the job. As Fianna Fail had failed and Fine Gael have a dodgy history, Labour picked up their record number of seats simply by being neither of the other two.

Irish politics has long had time for a protest vote party. Between 1985 and 2007 the Progressive Democrats, a kind of D4 equivalent of the SDP were in existence, even being in coalition with Charlie Haughey’s lot at one stage, but these collection of FF and FG rejects disbanded just in time to allow the Greens to take 6 seats in 2007. The fact they have none now shows just how successful they are. The fourth party now is Sinn Fein. Sir Gerald Armani resigned his Westminster sinecure to help the Die Hards take 14 seats on a bizarre platform of social inclusiveness and a strong law and order element, that included a desire for more police on the beat; no doubt attired in balaclavas and answering to the name of P O’Neill.

As well as the Boys, there are now 14 Independents, ranging from Wexford Youths FC chairman Mick Wallace, a failed property developer and Juventus season ticket holder, who looks like Peter Stringfellow reared entirely on Black Porter and rasher sandwiches, to Waterford’s former Stickie John Halligan, to Jackie Healy Rae’s glove puppet son Michael, who is no doubt eager to carry on the cretinous leprechaun tendency in Leinster House. Interestingly Luke “Ming The Merciless” Flanagan, who originally stood on a Legalise Dope ticket a decade ago, is now TD for Longford Roscommon. I bet him and Sir Gerald can have a good auld craic about ganja and where to sell it, though they may differ in what to do buy with the profits.

However, there are some diamonds in the mouth of the corpse of Irish democracy. Ming Flanagan is one and John Halligan is another, but the 5 shining lights are the seats won by Joe Higgins, Clare Daly, Joan Collins, Richard Boyd Barrett and Seamus Healy for the United Left Alliance, whereby the Socialist Party, People Before Profit and Unemployed workers Union have come together to say unequivocally that neither Fine Gael and Labour's supine continuation of Fianna Fail's incompetent treachery, nor Sinn Fein's bizarre mix of obsessive Political Correctness and butter before guns Republicanism will advance the material conditions of ordinary Irish people one iota. That, as much as Kevin O'Brien and Alex Cusack's magnificent bludgeoning of English bowlers at the Cricket World Cup, is reason to celebrate with a few of Ronnie Drew's greatest hits on Saturday night.