The 2026 World Cup dissected; cynically...
Of the 104 games, I saw 66 of them. The ones I missed were Qatar 1 Switzerland (I was seeing The Pale White at Anarchy Brewery), Haiti 0 Scotland 1 (fast asleep, though I had intended to watch it in a mobile home parked on my mother-in-law’s driveway, while playing with my collection of designer hairdryers), Australia 2 Turkey 0 (asleep), Ecuador 0 Ivory Coast 1 (asleep), Sweden 5 Tunisia 1 (asleep, though I’m glad I wasn’t forced to endure the sight of The Rat having a storming game, no doubt as part of a concerted effort to engineer a move away from his Anfield hell), Iran 2 New Zealand 2 (asleep), Algeria 0 Argentina 3 (shame I snored through this as Messi, when he was still a nice bloke and not a scheming shithouse, produced a performance for the ages), Austria 3 Jordan 1 (asleep), Colombia 3 Uzbekistan 1 (asleep for the game that meant all 48 teams had played at least once. Astonished to discover Cannivaro was Uzbekistan’s manager mind), Bosnia & Herzegovina 1 Netherlands 4 (watching the Beta Band at the Boilershop. Tremendous gig), Mexico 1 South Korea 0 (was otherwise engaged in watching Andy Burnham wiping the floor with the Fash, while resurfacing the Parliamentary Road to Socialism. Or not), Brazil 3 Haiti 0 (asleep), Paraguay 1 Turkey 0 (asleep. Woke up to the bizarre highlights of Almiron’s red card for putting a hand in front of his mouth. Can’t imagine the lad said anything amiss, as he doesn’t have a bad bone in his body. He is thick like), Curacao 0 Ecuador 0 (asleep. Thankfully), Japan 4 Tunisia 0 (asleep), Egypt 3 New Zealand 1 (asleep), Norway 3 Senegal 2 (asleep. Shame, as it sounded a cracker), Algeria 2 Jordan 1 (asleep), Croatia 1 Panama 0 (asleep), Colombia 1 Congo 0 (asleep), Bosnia & Herzegovina 3 Qatar 1 and Canada 1 Switzerland 2 (at a post funeral drink), Czech Republic 0 Mexico 3 and South Africa 1 South Korea 0 (asleep. Astonished to see a previously rancid South Africa qualify at the expense of the ordinarily reliable South Korea), Australia 0 Paraguay 0 and Turkey 3 USA 2 (asleep), France 4 Norway 1 and Iraq 0 Senegal 5 (out for Ben’s birthday), Belgium 5 New Zealand 1 and Egypt 1 Iran 1 (asleep), Algeria 3 Austria 3 and Argentina 3 Jordan 1 (asleep, as the group stages concluded), Mexico 2 Ecuador 0 (asleep), Algeria 0 Switzerland 2 (asleep), Australia 1 (2) Egypt 1 (4) (at the final ever Shunyata Improvisation Group performance in Hexham), Colombia 1 Ghana 0 (asleep, as the tournament reached the last 16), Argentina 3 Switzerland 1 (asleep) and, lastly, Belgium 4 USA 1, which I refused to watch on principle after Infantino had corruptly agreed to cancel Balogun’s suspension after Trump intervened. So then, what about the football I did see?
I’ve watched every World Cup since 1974 and I couldn’t remember a lower key build up to a tournament than this one, whether that be in supermarkets or from the media. Then again, I’ve never previously experienced a competition where the hosts were actively at war with one of the participant nations. With 48 countries involved, not including Ireland, my support went to the rank outsiders: Cape Verde, Curacao and Haiti, as well as Iran and Iraq, but not Scotland of course. England, now they’re no longer the cossetted, preening Golden Generation of a decade and a half ago, had my tacit, critical support, as did USA, on account of the fact they don’t represent the Trump maladministration in any shape or form. The whole thing got underway with Mexico strolling to a 2-0 win over a desperately poor South Africa, in a mundane game of 3 mad red cards and the VAR overturn of what appeared to be a clear penalty. Thankfully, with certain significant exceptions, this wasn’t to be a tournament ruined by officious refereeing, though some decisions did reek of favouritism that bordered on corruption.
As I’ve listed above, I missed a large number of games that kicked off in the middle of the night UK time, as I simply couldn’t stay awake. I did manage to keep myself alert between the opener and Czech Republic 1 South Korea 2 by reading Cosey Fanni Tutti’s hair-raising autobiography Art, Sex, Music. I actually managed to get to the end of it by full time as the game mainly consisted of the South Koreans passing the ball around a lumbering Czech side, then missing presentable chances. The Czechs took the lead, but Korea came back and deservedly won. It was daylight when I opened the living room curtains before going to bed at 6am. I sensed at that point I wouldn’t be partaking in contests in the wee small hours too often.
Bosnia & Herzegovina 1 Canada 1 was the first game in the territory of the northern partners. I was disappointed the organisers hadn’t availed themselves of the opportunity to have Godspped You! Black Emperor playing Mladic as part of the opening ceremony. Thankfully it wasn’t a case of zero goals for new Kanada. I was pleased to see Royale Union St Gilloise’s Promise David get a run out, but rather less pleased to hear the terminally moronic Warnock Stephen refer to him as David Promise. Another point of note was the 1970s style double breasted blazer sported by the Bosnia & Herzegovina manager, which made him look like Captain Birdseye on shore leave. Same as the opening game, a dreary first half gave way to a far more entertaining contest after the break.
America aren’t a bad side, and they comprehensively dismantled Paraguay 4-1, despite the best efforts of Little Miggy. Clearly, despite a preponderance of MAGA oafs in the stands, the USA team aren’t drawn from the loathsome ranks of Trump supporters, which is why I had no problem in supporting them. As for Paraguay, who on earth would have suspected their World Cup would unfold in the way it did. Brazil were awful in their 1-1 draw with Morocco who, same as in Qatar last time out, gave a great account of themselves. Despite the presence of Vinicius Jr, Brazil lacked firepower and coherence in this game, and I suspected, on first sight, that they wouldn’t have a great tournament.
For a few brief moments of Curacao 1 Germany 7, the joy provided and disbelief engendered by a potential fairytale made the efforts of a Dutch 2nd Division XI seem as if the romance of the World Cup wasn’t dead. Sadly, Germany proved themselves to be competent, ruthless, flat track bullies and banjoed the opposition out of sight. It is always a pleasure to hear Het Wilhelmus, but that was the only good thing about the first half of Japan 2 Netherlands 2. Frankly, it was dog shit, though things did get better after the break.
For me, one of the highlights of the group stages was the first goalless draw of the competition; Cape Verde 0 Spain 0. Looking back on a tournament where the winners only once failed to win, or score, it is astonishing to think the eventual champions drew a blank against a country with a 40 year old keeper and a lad from Shams at centre half, who I saw back in Tallaght wearing the Hoops in a 4-1 FAI Cup win over Cork on RTE. And Cape Verde deserved their point. That contest geed me up to the extent I went out to the pub to watch Belgium 1 Egypt 1. I certainly enjoyed the Belgian wine on offer, far more than the game, which followed the predictable pattern of a dire first half and a compelling second.
As well as Jesse March with Canada, there was another discredited, failed former Leeds boss at this tournament. Uruguay were helmed by the sourpuss Marco Bielsa. The Geordie Boys in Green from Saudi Arabia wiped the floor with them in the first half, going in a goal ahead. Sadly the balance changed after the break and the diving, cheating Canobbio rescued a point from a 1-1 draw. I went to bed sulking.
France 3 Senegal 1 saw Mbappe and Olise, as well as the imperious Upamecano, spring from the traps to show what a force the French would be. VAR got involved with a crazy decision to disallow a penalty for a foul on Mbappe, but it all worked out in the end. Amazingly, it all worked out from the start of Iraq 1 Norway 4, with the best first half I’d seen so far, though it did settle down after the break. Both sides charged forward at every opportunity and, while Iraq were no jokers, Harland was a constant threat and a player to admire. In contrast, during Congo 1 Portugal 1, I didn’t know who to boo louder; Wissa or The Cunt. While Mbemba looks a bit long in the tooth these days, Wissa scored a marvellous header (cue Lee Ryder saying “he’s like a new signing” in a couple of weeks). Portugal as ever, with everything going through The Cunt, looked staid and predictable.
I’m not used to enjoying England games, but the 4-2 win over Croatia was a stormer, helped by the excellent tactical insights provided by Emma Hayes, augmented by Kristina Unkel’s helpful explanations of refereeing decisions, on ITV, whose coverage (bar Lee Dixon) absolutely shat all over the BBC’s throughout the tournament. Kane got out of jail with a retaken penalty and Croatia were gifted a pair of comical goals, but England simply blew them away after the break, upping the ante from the off. Obviously Kane and Bellingham were the stars, but Djed Spence showed what a class player he is, as part of his quietly understated bid to be one of the unsung heroes of the whole World Cup. After this, Ghana 1 Panama 0 was absolute torture until the game blew up in the last 10 minutes. Despite late fireworks, I was probably asleep 30 seconds after the final whistle.
Second time out, Czech Republic and South Africa were no better than their debut appearance in a drab 1-1 draw. Canada enjoyed themselves though, absolutely twatting Qatar 6-0. The poor sods completely imploded and could have had about 4 players left on the pitch, as the game disintegrated to a primary school contest between forwards and defenders, with possibly the most hilarious own goal of the whole tournament. It sent me to bed with a smile on my face anyway.
Australia 0 USA 2 promised much but delivered little as the Aussies produced nothing in an attacking sense and the USA lost interest after the break, which is when the game died. Morocco 1 Scotland 0 died after 70 seconds, when the Scotch gameplan to try for a goalless draw went out the window. In truth, this was a terrible game and perhaps the most persuasive argument yet that the World Cup should not have been extended to 48 teams. However we shouldn’t allow the appalling lack of quality of the Scotch side to detract from a fascinating World Cup, in which referees seemed keen to play on whenever possible, such as turning down two blatant dives for penalties by the increasingly desperate Scotch, and shirts that seemed to rip with alarming regularity. Not a great advert for the manufacturers I must say.
For Netherlands 5 Sweden 1, I visited The Chillingham Arms, which was definitely a Dutch pub for the night. I base that on the abuse and catcalls directed at The Rat, the lack of applause for Elanga’s goal (cue Lee Ryder claiming another player “looking like a new signing” in a fortnight) and the deafening roar that followed both of Brobbey’s goals. Rather enjoyed Graham Potter trying to take the positives out of such a thumping. I wondered also if Sweden, having won 5-1 and then lost 5-1, would draw their final group game 5-1. Talking of NUFC players, it was good to see Woltemade taking up his best position for Germany 2 Ivory Coast 1. Sub not used. An enjoyable game, bossed by a surprisingly effective Undav, but further hints that Germany just didn’t have enough quality to be regarded as a serious contender. When Spain battered the Geordies from Saudi Arabia 4-0, you knew the real heavyweights had turned up. It took Spain 25 minutes to blow their opponents away and, if they’d wanted more, they could easily have scored them.
Belgium 0 Iran 0 sounds like a fate worse than death, but it wasn’t a bad game as it goes. The Iran keeper did well, but Belgium were maddeningly profligate. It was just a warm up for a fabulous 2-2 draw between Cape Verde and Uruguay. Brilliant attacking with both sides going for it, wedded to atrocious defending. An absolute joy to watch and another game that sent me to bed with a smile on my face.
Argentina 2 Austria 0 saw Messi miss a penalty, having escaped a red card for a nasty stamp in their first game. Mind Austria were no shrinking violets. Posch made a few spicy challenges and wasn’t very sporty. Argentina scored a brace of beautiful goals, with the first featuring a sublime step over that was my favourite bit of skill in the whole competition to this point. The weather intervened during France 3 Iraq 0, with the second half delayed by 2 hours because of a storm. When they started again Iraq’s keeper Basil proved very faulty for the last 2 goals.
I was amazed, as well as saddened, when The Cunt showed up for Portugal 5 Uzbekistan 0. He normally only plays for himself, but this was a decent impersonation of a team player. You had to feel sorry for Uzbekistan, having a brilliant effort ruled out by VAR and conceding the second most comical own goal of the tournament. England 0 Ghana 0 was dogshit.
Moving to the final group games, we had matches taking place simultaneously. Brazil 3 Scotland 0 saw a distinctly underachieving Brazil not needing to get into first gear to humiliate the woeful Scotch. Despite the offers of free hairdryers, coffee machines and camper vans, this wasn’t heroic failure. This was Glencoe relocated to the Sunshine State, as Brazil sent them homeward to think again. Meanwhile Haiti 2 Morocco 4 seemed to be a quiet classic, served up with very little fanfare. I didn’t see Curacao 0 Ivory Coast 2, but it amused me to see former Huns and Mackems manager, The Little Genital, helming the second worst team in the whole tournament. I watched Ecuador 2 Germany 1. A deserved win after an appalling VAR call allowed an unpunished foul to give Germany the lead. Ecuador came back strongly, with an excellent equaliser and opportunistic winner. Rather than Japan 1 Sweden 1, I opted for Netherlands 3 Tunisia 1, which meant I missed Elanga’s wonder goal. He’ll be like a new signing next season, mark Lee Ryder’s words. The Dutch, no doubt inspired by Het Wilhelmus, began like an express train, but ran out of momentum once the win had been assured. They looked decent though. Staying up until 4am for Cape Verde 0 Saudi Arabia 0 and Spain 1 Uruguay 0 may not seem to have been a wise move, but it was worth it to see the heroes of Cape Verde qualify and that grumpy old sod storming off in a sulk with his ineffective Uruguay side. Ha! Ha!
During England 2 Panama 0, only Kane, Bellingham and Anderson did anything of note. Saka and Rashford were beyond incompetent. Infuriating. Almost wish I’d opted for Croatia 2 Ghana 1 instead. There was no way I was voluntarily watching The Cunt in Colombia 0 Portugal 0, so I opted for Congo 3 Uzbekistan 1 instead. Wissa and Mbemba got my vote and I think I made the right choice.
Thus, we reached the knock out stages, bidding farewell to 16 countries (Curacao, Czech Republic, Ghana, Haiti, Iran, Iraq, Jordan, New Zealand, Qatar, the Scotch, the Geordies from Saudi Arabia, South Korea, Turkey, Tunisia, Uruguay and Uzbekistan), leaving us with the last 32. The first game was Canada 1 South Africa 0, and it was terrible. Brazil scraped through, beating Japan 2-1 after being a goal down, before the comic highlight of Germany 1 (3) Paraguay 1 (4). You had to feel sorry for their best player Tah, who had a perfectly good winner ruled out, then went on to send his penalty into orbit. Woltemade also showed how keen he was to get back for pre-season training with Newcastle by having his spot kick saved. Rather different than his success from the spot against Forest last October, when he still had some confidence about him. Morocco 1 (3) also won on penalties over Netherlands 1 (2), but they deserved it. I was a bit sad that I wouldn’t get to hear Het Wilhelmus again this tournament. I think I’d like it played at my funeral. All 13 stanzas of it.
Ivory Coast 1 Norway 2 was pretty mundane, with neither side really doing enough to win, but at least it finished after 90 minutes. I could have watched France 3 Sweden 0 all night. The French were absolutely excellent; indeed this was their best performance of the tournament, and they scored some brilliant goals. For Sweden, The Rat was a waste of a shirt and probably now wants a nationality transfer, though Elanga did try his best from the very start. He’ll be like a new signing next season.
Congo 1 England 2 was another curate’s egg of a game. A goal down after a typical Pickford abomination, England were on the ropes when Wissa returned to his NUFC form by missing an open goal, meaning he can get back to Tyneside quickly to prepare for our relegation push. Madueke and Rashford were atrocious from the start and Saka no better when he came on, but Gordon did change the game, by setting up both of Kane’s goals. Rice was a carthorse and Eze plainly unfit. Still, it was never in doubt, eh? If that result was fortunate, then Belgium 3 Senegal 2 was an utter travesty. Senegal were 2-0 up and cruising after 86 minutes, when they lost their heads and conceded 2 rapidly. Belgium were still mentally packing their suitcases when Lukaku got one back. A rush of blood by the keeper saw the scores tied and a very harsh penalty, given after a 7 minute VAR check, turned the game and result on its head. Highly unfortunate. Bosnia & Herzegovina 0 USA 1 was a very low key game, with only Balogun’s red card to discomfit the hosts as they disposed of utterly unambitious opponents.
I watched Austria 0 Spain 3 in The Victory at South Gosforth (I wouldn’t be seen dead in The Brandling Villa) after Shunyata Improvisation Group’s penultimate gig at the Quaker Meeting House. I needed a pint, you understand. This wasn’t even a contest, as Spain eviscerated Austria, suggesting that France may have worthy opposition in the quest for the trophy after all. I didn’t enjoy Croatia 1 Portugal 2 at all. I don’t like Modric and his hair, but I prefer him to The Cunt. Alright the winner was brilliant and the denied equaliser actually offside, but no reasonable person can support a side who plays The Cunt.
I literally walked through the door when Argentina 3 Cape Verde 2 was kicking off. What a wonderful effort those lads made. Heroes, every one of them and their second equaliser must have been a contender for strike, if not goal, of the tournament. Two hours of pulsating football that justified the inclusion of 10 African sides among the 48 qualifiers.
So, we reached the last 16, with 7 from the Americas, 7 Europeans and 2 from Africa. The underachievement of both Japan and South Korea really let Asia down. The next game saw Morocco toy with Canada, passing them to death and easing through 3-0. Fair play to Canada though. They did give it their best shot and last 16 was probably a round further than they expected to go. France 1 Paraguay 0 was the first of the really nasty games, with Paraguay trying to kick, gouge and stamp their way to penalties like it was Italia 90 again. Finally they conceded one, which Mbappe scored and, bar a needless bout of argybargy at the end, that was it.
Brazil got exactly what they deserved when Norway beat them 2-1. An early disallowed goal, a woeful penalty by Bruno that won’t have endeared him to Arteta, (Jeff) Endrick’s open goal miss and a pitiful show of histrionics by Neymar after he’d pulled one back from the spot didn’t matter when contrasted with a brilliant double by Harland, after Gabriel shat himself,. This meant a far more organised, competitive and athletic Norway went through to face England. Somehow.
In the build up to England 3 Mexico 2, I noticed the milkman delivering on our estate at about 9.30. He needn’t have rushed as an hour’s storm delay meant the game didn’t kick off until 2.00. This contest had everything. A stunning double from Bellingham, some great saves by Pickford, a straight red card for Quansah, a brilliant penalty scored by Kane, an unfortunate penalty conceded by Kane and a storming late cameo by Dan Burn. Twice BDB repelled the Mexican attacks with headed clearances beyond the halfway line. An immense performance. An edge of the seat, heart stopping game that ended at 4.05, at which point Jordan Henderson, who hadn’t appeared on the pitch but still collected a booking, broke his arm by falling over an advertising hoarding in celebration. Mackem clown. After all that, no wonder I couldn’t get to sleep.
Portugal 0 Spain 1 was far less intense. Merino, who El Fraudo sought to peddle from NUFC ASAP, scored a superb winner and The Cunt left the pitch in tears. Brilliant, unlike Colombia 0 (3) Switzerland 0 (4), which could have got football done away with. Next to The Cunt, the footballer I hate the most is Saleh, which is why I shed no tears for him, but I did for every other Egyptian citizen after Argentina beat them 3-2. Messi missed a penalty again, Egypt had a seemingly fair goal harshly denied when they were already 1-0 up, before the world went crazy. A mad, absorbing end to end contest saw Messi pull all the strings and Argentina come back from the dead. What a truly wonderful contest, even if the wrong side won.
After the novelty of a rest day, the quarter finals began with France 2 Morocco 0; a performance akin to a luxury limousine effortlessly covering ground on cruise control. Mbappe did miss a penalty after a ludicrous VAR delay seemed to unsettle him, but there were no other mishaps for an imperious and elegant French side that dismissed Morocco with ease. Belgium 1 Spain 2 was more of a contest and a lively, open game, which featured that rare beast, a Spanish concession. However, what did for Belgium in the final analysis was a pair of keeping blunders that led to both Spanish goals.
Much of the noise in this tournament was about favourable decisions for certain countries, specifically Argentina, but England had their fair share of luck too, what with the penalty retake against Croatia, the non-concession against Ghana and Norway’s harshly disallowed goal in the quarter final that England won 2-1. This was probably the drunkest I got during the World Cup, but even in that state I would have made a better effort at keeping out Norway’s goal than Pickford did. He wasn’t the only one to fail miserably though. Madueke looked like he’d never played football before. Rice was a wraith. Kane peripheral. Obviously I don’t particularly like the man, but Bellingham was the reason England progressed. That and the baffling decision by Norway to withdraw Harland in extra time.
Undoubtedly, the highest quality game of the whole competition was France 0 Spain 2 in the first semi-final. While France had been superb from the start, probably peaking in their 3-0 trouncing of Sweden in the last 32, Spain had stuttered in their goalless opener with Cape Verde and felt their way gently into the tournament. This was their high water mark. Yamal produced an incredibly visionary run to win the penalty, as well as being desperately unlucky to have an effort ruled out for offside, but the real stunner was Pedro Porro’s goal. I’d always thought him a bit of a carthorse, but his goal to seal victory was breathtaking in its beauty. Morally, this ought to have been the final, as the two best sides came together to produce a fine game of football.
Argentina 2 England 1 was an intriguing contest for the opening hour. England had been far from convincing throughout and had almost stumbled into the last 4. Argentina had Messi and a pack of savages whose DNA was stamped by a need to win at any cost. They’d struggled past Cape Verde and came back from the dead against Egypt. In this game, they overturned a deficit after Gordon’s opener from a lovely Rogers pass, assisted by some terrible tactics by Tuchel. Having got past Mexico by shutting up shop, he tried the same thing against Argentina. However, withdrawing Gordon left no option for an out ball and crowding the penalty area with centre backs simply invited Argentina on. Worst of all, Messi played a dozen short corners in the game and was never once closed down. Twice these lead to goals and once Argentina took the lead, with all substitutions done, the game was up. The sight of Dan Burn vainly haring after the ball up top while Argentina simply knocked it around between defenders, was a sad indictment of a flawed system that caused a deserved exit. As usual, England departed the tournament with a whimper and a sense of not having achieved their full potential. It was so similar to Newcastle United last season.
And yet, England were required to play in successive games; the only team to do so in the whole tournament. The “Bronze Medal” game that nobody was bothered about ended with the mad score of England 6 France 4, with neither team seeming capable of winning. England were brilliant in the first half, leading 4-0 at the break. France were even better in the second, coming back to 4-3, missing a boatload of chances and then conceding more goals. Saka got a hat trick and Bellingham’s final waltz through the French defence was football as ballet. A mad, mad game but a truly unexpected treasure.
All you can say about Argentina 0 Spain 1 is that the right side won, thank goodness. If they’d taken their chances, it could have been 3-0 after 90 minutes, but Spain were as nervous as Argentina were callous. I didn’t even feel sorry for Messi at full time as he’d used up all his privileges after he cynically tried to get Cucurella sent off. At least Hernandez was correctly red carded. As for their conduct after the game, it was deplorable, but no worse than that of Infantino and Trump. A pair of bastards who did their best to ruin the World Cup, but failed as football, thankfully, was the winner.
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