Give it a Rest Lads....

Saturday 11^th August is my 54^th birthday; I intend to celebrate it by watching my beloved Benfield at home to FA Vase finalists Stockton Town in the FA Cup extra preliminary round. This is a 3pm kick off, so I’ll bookend the football by seeing my beloved Tynemouth at South Northumberland in the NEPL. Despite receiving riches beyond dreams from the Nash, in the shape of a £120.39 Universal Credit payment for this month, I have absolutely no intention of ruining my big day by spending this money on a ticket for Newcastle United v Spurs. Instead I’ll put the cash to good use and keep myself in champagne, oysters and foie gras for the next 4 weeks.

If you think I’m talking rubbish, you ought to have a listen to the noise surrounding Newcastle United since the end of the last campaign. Just to remind you, against all expectations, the Mags managed to finish in the top half of the table and thumped Chelsea 3-0 in the final game of the season. Fair play to them for that; literally nobody had predicted such a positive outcome to the first season back up. Of course, normal football clubs would use this surprisingly positive outcome as a springboard to move forward, spending either cautiously or recklessly on a raft of new players, but we all know Newcastle are not a normal football club. Ashley and his toadying minions in the distant chain of command between the owner and the manager, have succeeded in their annual quest of upsetting everyone with any interest in or affection for Newcastle United by showing a blatant disinclination to put hands in pockets for anyone but the most obscure and underwhelming signings imaginable.

Anyone who knows the game a fraction can concede that NUFC did the right thing at the end of 2017/2018 by getting rid of the useless Gamez, Good and Haidara on frees, while the fiscal acumen that saw the club actually getting cash money for Sels and Shitrovic made me laugh out loud. The sale of Mbemba, because he never learned English, and disposal of Colback, whose days were numbered after he pinched El Gaffa’s parking space at Little Benton last year, were less of a matter for celebration, showing the inflexible and unforgiving side of Benitez’s personality extends beyond a stubborn refusal to play expansive football and into his iron-fisted approach to man management, even if neither player would have been anything other than a bit part squad member. For the avoidance of doubt, it needs pointing out that Sels, Gamez and Lazaar, were Benitez signings who were plainly below the required standard; one wonders what the manager saw in them, or why he was prepared to accept them in his squad if they were foisted on him. After all Keegan, to whom Benitez is so often risibly compared, walked when presented with the legendary Francisco Jimenez Tejada and the invisible Nacho Gonzalez as a fait accompli. Then again, it appears Benitez was fully behind Charnley’s attempt to whore him out to Spain for the World Cup; an offer that was rejected unsurprisingly.

While Adam Armstrong’s departure to Blackburn is sad as another local lad has failed to make the grade, it isn’t something to lose any sleep over, though the strange case of Mikel Merino’s departure to Real Sociedad does again bring into question the manager’s ability to get the best out of the talent at his disposal. Merino came with a reputation of great promise but seemed to lose his way and drift out of the first team picture. As a result, the young Basque escaped the clutches of the ageing Castilian, returning to Donostie.

However you tot it up, Newcastle have managed to accrue £50m in player sales which, in concert with the approximate £120m of Premier League and Sky payments, should be enough even for an outfit as parsimonious as Ashley’s lackeys to get some quality into the squad. Instead, they’ve comprehensively pissed on Rafa’s patatas bravas by spending an utterly underwhelming £17m, with £4m completing the essential purchase of Dubravka (who, of course, came in for a vicious social media slagging after the Braga fiasco). The Slovak keeper and the return of the excellent Kenedy on loan are highly encouraging pieces of business but, and let’s be honest about this, there isn’t the same feelgood factor about the latest skip load of landfill scuffers. Ki hasn’t pulled up any trees in the Premier League before, while Schar and Muto are unknown quantities, seemingly signed because they are the sort of cut price cast offs no-one else wanted. At least we’ve heard of Rondon; he might not be the most mobile, but he’s got the sort of physical presence we’ve not had since Andy Carroll was sold, though he looks more like Shefki Kuqi than the one-time contender from Dunston.

Perhaps the most sobering bit of news is that the season ending injury sustained by Lejeune in training and Hayden’s transfer request that put the block on Sean Longstaff’s proposed loan spell at Pompey, shows just how thin the squad is. We still need a left back, a centre half, another ball-playing option in midfield and a quality striker. Who do we have lurking in the shadow squad? Well Saivet may well be back in the area, but he’s hardly likely to be on the pitch any time soon. This means, with the transfer window closing on August 9^th this year, there is absolutely no chance of Newcastle United matching previous summer investment, far less attempting to kick on. Ashley will be delighted at a £35m trading surplus. As far as he’s concerned, providing there are still 50,000 useful idiots in their replica shirts filling the ground and buying replica shirts, the world will be ok. Lower mid table mundanity with anxious periods spent in or around the drop zone is ever the order of the day, as the club have a squad that is marginally worse than last season, which is unforgivable but further evidence the owner doesn’t care what happens as long as he gets the Sky cash each year. Witness his latest idiotic decision; the bonus players will get for keeping the club up has been slashed by 75%, without any notice, on the eve of the season. Brilliant decision that one; it’ll have done loads for the team ethos, no doubt.

Of course, if Benitez signed the contract extension he’s been offered instead of playing the victim every time a microphone is waved under his sneck, the purse strings may open, but it isn’t guaranteed. Instead it seems 2018/2019 will be a 38-game farewell tour before el Mister que lloró lobo moves on to his next project. This is a shame as he’s been a steady hand on the tiller, bar the blip of relegation in 2016, even if the football has been on the dull side of prosaic. Of course, he has introduced a work ethic that has surely satisfied fan demands for a team that tries. Or so that’s what I’d assumed. Sadly, far worse than the bleating of the manager is the incessant howling of the fans. You know the ones I mean? With flags, season tickets and Twitter accounts.

On Saturday 28^th July, a few youthful hotheads waved cliched, angry flags directed at Mike Ashley at various locations in the town and took pictures of it on their phone. It wasn’t the storming of the Winter Palace, but it was a gesture of defiance. On top of this, savvy young lads have been creating all manner of problems for Sports Direct and Ashley’s Albert Speer, Keith Bishop, by clogging up their on-line portals. Even better, though seemingly banned by Twitter, Sports Redirect is a service suggesting alternative places to spend cash on leisurewear This is the sort of contemporary economic terrorism, redolent of the Situationist International’s tactics, that capitalists hate; well done kids. Apparently, there will be another flag protest outside Sports Direct on Northumberland Street before the Spurs game Saturday; wonderful news, but completely futile if anyone who attends this demo then proceeds to set foot inside the ground. The one and only way to get underneath Ashley’s gossamer skin is to hit him, not just in the pocket, but in the publicity stakes and an empty ground would do precisely that, as he’d take each and every UNSOLD empty seat as a personal insult. Sadly, I’m fairly certain there’ll be north of 50k watching Harry Kane notch a pair of unanswered goals.

Interestingly, there were 21K at SJP for the meaningless friendly loss to Augsburg, while in League One, sunderland kicked off their second campaign in the third tier of English football with 10,000 more in the place and roared their plucky collection of obscure non-entities to a 2-1 win. Does this mean sunderland have better fans or more fans than Newcastle? Of course not; while castigating NUFC supporters for continuing to prop up Ashley’s regime, the absent hordes from Wearside admitted their non-attendance was merely a result of apathy not anger. You see, protesting against the owner was frowned upon as standing up for your club, however limply, is the sort of thing Mags do. While that preposterous stance is the equivalent of sporting Stockholm Syndrome, the Mackems have at least been freed from the despotic incompetence of Ellis Short. I’ve absolutely no idea just what Donald Stewart brings to them, other than a visible social media profile and a fucking big mouth, but his populist grandstanding has struck a chord with their desperate and disenfranchised support; hence, 5k extra bodies in the ground for the opening day of the season and 3 valuable points.

Personally, I cringe whenever Donald Stewart starts running off at the mouth, as he’s clearly getting in above himself, but at least he’s pleasing his devotees, regardless whether he achieves anything or not. Contrast this with the shameful populist grandstanding by Chi Onwurah in the Houses of Parliament. Alright, so SJP is in her constituency, but attempting to have a pop at Ashley when the country is on the brink of a Brexit inspired Civil War is an outrageous dereliction of duty. If an MP was to have a go at Ashley, I’d have paid far more attention if lifelong fans like Ian Mearns or Mary Glindon had taken up the baton. However, they realise the importance of creating a visible, viable united opposition to the evil actions of the Tories. It is perhaps something Chi could bear in mind, considering her willingness to undermine Corbyn in the last two leadership elections.

Meanwhile on Tyneside, we’ve had another tectonic shift in the spinning plates of supporter engagement. As ever, in the deepest red from the blood of the martyrs’ corner, the original absolutists from the marginalised, miniscule and moribund Mike Ashley Out Campaign (MAOC) continue to trumpet their long-held Travis Bickle versus the Quislings stance of boycotting the club while Ashley remains in situ, denouncing those who spend a penny piece on Newcastle United as perfidious collaborators. MAOC are, as I see it, correct in their denouncing of the organic cult of the personality If Rafa Goes We Go; unlike a defined member-led group, this is more of a loose association of like minds that began as a Twitter hash tag and has grown into something less credible. To draw a comparison, #IfRafaGoesWeGo is Red Labour and the Ashley Out mob (nothing to do with MAOC and once known as Pardew Out) are Maomentum. Frankly quite why the departure of Benitez, as opposed to the removals of Keegan, Robson or even Hughton, should be seen as the point of no return is beyond me. Those lifelong Mags who have seen it all before and have no intention of sacking it off, regardless of ownership or who manages the team, may be diametrically opposed to me ideologically, but I respect their honesty and I share their contempt for such stroppy narcissism.

The opportunistic Leninists at True Faith have been all over #IfRafaGoesWeGo from the very outset, to the extent of waking up their somnolent pals in NUST to add their insignificant weight to the campaign. Meanwhile NUFC Fans Utd, who have been doing such wonderful work with the West End Foodbank, which is in a crisis of its own, have joined with just about all the various supporter factions as part of The Magpie Group (https://themagpiegroup.co.uk/) to write a letter to Mike Ashley. Of course he hasn’t responded. At the last count, this umbrella organisation, with a name previously used by Malcolm Dix, John Hall and Bobby Pattinson’s crusade against the McKeague dynasty back in 1988, is being supported by (deep breath): Ashley Out, NUFC Fans United, NUST, The Shite Seats, The Toon Network (who?), True Faith, Wor Flags and Wor Hyem 1892. In other words, just about every fan grouping you could think of, bar the inflexible MAOC and timorous NUFC.com.

As ever, cracks are already evident in the edifice of the supposed united front. In a quite astonishing editorial, True Faith took umbrage with Ashley Out for the crime of being anonymous. Indeed, the tenor of the whole piece was dedicated to rubbishing the need for The Magpie Group, presumably as that hadn’t been a True Faith idea. Instead, the reader was subjected to endless paragraphs of support for their favourite hashtag #IfRafaGoesWeGo. While this was strange, it was nowhere near as disgraceful as the distressingly misogynistic abuse dished out to Donald Stewart’s partner, who was repulsively derided as a “stripper;” this is neither true, nor relevant and I sincerely hope someone has words of advice for the person responsible.

You know, I'm frankly bored of the whole protest culture circus surrounding Newcastle United. As far as I’m concerned, the 57 varieties of whingers, and this includes Benitez who is well paid for what he does and has an even more lucrative contract in front of his nose, should either put up or shut up. Either carry on going to the games and accept they are lining Ashley's pockets, or walk away and find something else to do with their time. Last season the mantra was; "all we want is a team that tries." Now they've got one it's suddenly not enough, so the internet superfans are demanding 50 million quid players like toddlers at the shops and threatening to flounce off if the manager does one. Can you imagine Benitez's press conference after The Magpie Group’s recent trip to the barricades; “It’s clear to see the fans are worried. Thankfully a few supporters have written a letter and I can confirm Ashley has now sold the club, having bought Mbappe and Willian as farewell presents. Keep on keeping on.”

Frankly, only MAOC and their absolute refusal to countenance any individual expenditure that would benefit Ashley and NUFC.com for their uncomplaining willingness to suck up every outrage performed in the name of Newcastle United because of their diehard support and refusal to stop going, have my respect. The foot-stamping tantrums of those who want their protest cake on Northumberland Street and to eat it, without side helpings of irony or humble pie, in the Gallowgate, lack all credibility. All I can say to the professional mischief makes is; give it a rest lads, eh?