Love: Vol. 0
The first available train south from Central Station. Prosecco with friends. Fritz Lange summer season at the ICA. Buying the Daily Telegraph aged 12. Taking primary school age offspring to al fresco Shakespearean tragedy. Being taught how to pass a rugby ball. Silence. Going to the toilet in the Bodleian. Roasted garlic aroma. Rolling over in bed and missing the bus. Intolerance. Curt, solemn exchanges that close the door on the past. Bicycles. Contempt for the weak sensibilities. Porridge. Discussing Nietzsche. Marinetti. The A1. The Thick Of It. Forgetting about your grandparents. Early 70s repayment mortgages. Mutual inter-generational contempt. Refusing to disclose school sporting fixtures. Watching The Ascent of Man rather than It’s A Knockout. Brian Sewell. Militant. Vegetarianism. Vic Godard. Jean Luc Godard. James Bolam. Holland Park Avenue. Losing your regional accent. Not knowing the names of those you are related to. Passive opposition to violent heterosexism. Gazpacho. France.
Fashion Crisis hits Barton Stacey
Dear All. This is a very serious message that I hope you can pass on to as many people as you can. Last night at the big ASDA in Winchester a 49 year old Malaysia / Edinburgh / Ballymena / North Shields man in a yellow polo shirt went missing. Fortunately their policy when something like this happens is to lock the doors. The 49 year old Malaysia / Edinburgh / Ballymena / North Shields man in a yellow polo shirt was found in the toilets with an overweight bald middle aged man suffering from depression and his assistant cat from the Curva Nord with a drug problem. One was glueing a mask on him, while the other was writing across the front of the 49 year old man from Malaysia / Edinburgh / Ballymena / North Shields's yellow polo shirt. This comes from a shelf stacker called Charlie Posh who was there last night. Please pass the message round to as many as you can and remain extra vigilant in the company of other 49 year old Malaysia / Edinburgh / Ballymena / North Shields men in yellow polo shirts.
A Christmas Crimewatch Carol
Once upon a time there was a lovely little football club who played at their own lovely little ground, called Paradise Park. Unfortunately this little club had fallen on hard times; the team weren’t very good, even though some very hard-working Villagers looked after Paradise Park. Happily a young knight called Jay and his band of fabulous footballers made things wonderful on the pitch. Unfortunately, things were suddenly less than perfect elsewhere, as the hard-working Villagers, who only wanted to share a pizza among themselves at Christmas time, were terrorised by the incessant complaining or Evil Edna E-coli and the Whinging Welder.
In a dark, dirty corner of Paradise Park lived Freddy the Freezer. Freddy was a brave, strong and very accommodating cold store for lots of food. Sadly he had been in the service of Evil Edna E-coli, the Kitchen Kaiser, who had allowed Freddy to get filthy inside; in fact he was so filthy that green and black mould was growing all over him. Evil Edna E-coli and her partner in grime the Whinging Welder cackled with joy as they thought their dirty work was done and they left Paradise Park forever (or so they pretended). Thankfully, some hard-working Villagers spent all their summer Saturdays scrubbing and scrubbing Paradise Park’s kitchen until Freddy’s silver surfaces sparkled superbly. Freddy was happy when lots of buns, pies, chips, vegetarian sausages and even ice creams came to live inside him, as the kind Villagers worked hard to make Paradise Park as happy off the pitch as on it.
Then disaster struck. One sunny Sunday the hard-working Villagers arrived at Paradise Park to discover Freddy the Freezer had been switched off, but none of the hard-working Villagers were responsible for this terrible act of sabotage. Luckily Freddy hadn’t been switched off long and all his food was saved, but the hard-working Villagers thought hard about this incident and made a helpful sign to put next to the on/off switches so the Whinging Welder or Evil Edna E-coli wouldn’t be tempted to switch off Freddy the Freezer by accident, when they shouldn’t have been there in the first place!!
Freddy the Freezer had some kitchen chums who had just been brought to live at Paradise Park by the Kind Cook. They were Sammy the Sugar Bowl, Tommy the Tea Spoon and Mickey the Milk Jug. For three happy autumnal months they made the hard-working Villagers, the fabulous footballers and their visitors happy as they helped to sweeten and flavour the tea and coffee everyone collected from the Kind Cook.
However, one stormy Saturday as winter arrived, Sammy the Sugar Bowl, Tommy the Tea Spoon and Mickey the Milk Jug all disappeared from Paradise Park. Where had they gone? Had they been kidnapped? Freddy the Freezer thought he knew; Evil Edna E-coli had got her dirty mitts on them, with the Whinging Welder turning a blind eye.
There is no happy ending to this story; the hard-working Villagers are angry and the Kind Cook is out of pocket after her gifts to the lovely football club were kidnapped. All the hard-working Villagers can do to keep Paradise Park safe is to use their new friend Pamela the Padlock to keep things out of sight as best they can and stock take after every home game.
So, if you see some sad and lonely sugar bowls, milk jugs or tea spoons far away from their proper home, please send them back to Paradise Park.
Jackanory
"The problem with psychopaths is that they tend to be stuck at the cognitive and psychological level of three or four-year– olds. They don't mature past that egocentric, self-centred, narcissistic, all-powerful stage when they don't feel they are to blame for anything."
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