Working Your Notice

Newcastle United 2024; the first of an occasional series...

Sunday 11^th February 2024. I am exactly 59 and a half years old. As per the regulations, I email my pension provider, giving them six months’ notice that I intend to retire on my 60^th birthday, so they can do the necessary calculations and split my bit into a lumper and a modest monthly. This is presumably done to stop me squandering the coin intended to keep me solvent in my declining years on trips to Scottish lower league grounds, Cornelius Cardew CDs and Harry Crews first editions.

Rewind to Thursday 1^st February 2024. After an uncomfortable month on Tyneside, the Premier League transfer window draws to a close without any of the rumoured departures, supposedly necessitated by a requirement to comply with the Financial Fair Play rules that are set to relegate Everton and Forest (though not Man City; heaven forfend), of Miguel Almiron, Bruno Guimares, Alexander Isak, Joelinton or Callum Wilson from the already stretched, shattered and underperforming Newcastle United squad coming to pass. Pausing only to consider in passing the asinine mindset of innumerable Newcastle United fans who appear to regard the Profit and Sustainability Regulations, as we must now learn to call the FFP rules, as inherently “biased” as they seem set to prevent NUFC from buying their way to success in the way Chelsea and City have done so in the past, it should be noted that probably the best way to ensure the Magpies never win anything seems to be keeping Eddie Howe in situ for the foreseeable.

I think it more than coincidental that the only incoming signing round Gallowgate way in January was a former Man City academy graduate midfielder, by the name of Alfie Harrison, for less than peanuts. I know nothing of him and, rather like the mythical trio of Harrison Ashby, Garang Kuol and Yankuba Minteh, I don’t imagine that will change any time soon. In terms of players we were linked with, it was much ado about nothing at the end of the day. The Ruben Neves rumours were nothing other than press-inspired waffle; a whole lot of hot air that linked our Saudi overlords with a player currently playing his trade in their country, with considerably more professionalism than Jordan Henderson; a man who, in his vile and unseemly scramble to feather his own nest at Ajax, revealed himself to be as much of a supporter of the LGBTQ+ community as Graham Linehan. Meanwhile, as Kalvin Phillips continues his one man mission to get David Moyes his P45, it becomes ever more apparent that the reluctance of the House of Saud PIF to open the purse strings in that instance may just have been an astute decision, though I believe this to have been made for different reasons than parsimony, despite the fact that the Tonali ban has really come back to bite us up the arse. Our 2023 marquee signing’s absence, as well as that of Joe Willock and Joelinton, has left us desperately shorthanded in midfield, resulting in Lewis Miley doing the sort of backbreaking double shifts we’ve not seen bairns forced into since the 1842 Mines Act stopped kids grafting underground.

In the same way I’m mentally preparing myself for clearing my desk in the next few months, I can’t imagine Eddie Howe has any illusions that he’ll be the boss on Barrack Road much after the end of this season. Sad to say, but the main reason our owners haven’t given him any money to spend is that they simply don’t trust him to use it, or any resources he is presented with, in a wise or effective fashion. As the feeble cries of “look where we were two years ago” begin to die out, January and the first half of February have proved to be another baffling period in an already contradictory season, marked by tremendous highs and dreadful lows, where predicting what happens next has become an almost impossible task. The only thing we can take for certain is that Howe is allergic to both team rotation and tactical substitutions.

The statistics show that in 2024, our league record is: played 5, won 2, drawn 1, lost 2, goals scored 12, goals conceded 14. Despite two comfortable away wins in the FA Cup, these are not the kind of figures you’d expect from any team with any pretensions of European football. Many scapegoats have been identified by NUFC’s seething fanbase as being somehow to blame for the fact we’re not running away with the title. Firstly, Dubravka. Now he may no longer be the keeper we were once thrilled by when he made his rock solid debut at home to Man United, but he’s no Karl Darlow or Matz Sels. Admittedly that dart off his line for Forest’s opener may have been a rash decision, but he was superb at Anfield when conceding 4. That game seems an aeon ago, when we brought in the New Year by having a farcical penalty awarded against us. We didn’t deserve anything from the game as a whole, certainly not being punished for non-existent fouls. If there was no rub of the green that night, there was even less when Man City came to town. I only saw the highlights of this one, having been on a Scottish jaunt to Kelty Hearts 1 Annan Athletic 1, but again there was that awful feeling of despair at the concession of a late winner. This is one area where Howe and his coaching staff badly need to tighten up. Far too often the latter stages of games have seen us look out on our feet, ridiculously open and prone to errors caused by exhaustion rather than concentration lapses. We need to get the basic psychology of closing a game out instilled properly, otherwise we’ll be forced to accept the tag of gallant losers forevermore.

This is, sadly, where Howe has to take responsibility for hanging Dan Burn out to dry, though the fans who’ve turned on him in the ground should be ashamed of themselves. Crying on social media may be a way for them to work off their anxieties, but they need to keep it buttoned in sight of the pitch. As regards BDB, I love the lad, who is undoubtedly the greatest Northern Alliance player you’ll never see, but Tino Livramento can do his job with more pace and zero fuss. Hell, we could even see Dummett, Krafth or Ritchie doing their bit at the back when times are really tight. At this point I’m going to take the fifth when discussing Lewis Hall as I don’t have a clue what is going on with the kid, but I doubt he’d have suffered the kind of torture Burn endured at Villa when Leon Bailey came on. However, and let’s be clear about this, we were bloody sparkling for the opening 75 minutes of that game, but the warning signs about Burn’s lack of confidence were not learned after that night, which is a negative mark against Howe, as Luton repeatedly exposed his limitations, in that crazy game the Saturday after. Now you’d have to say, conceding 4 at home to the favourites for relegation should ordinarily be a reason for howls of derision among the support, but nobody in town that night (I’d been to Newcastle University 2 Billingham Synthonia 2 at Prudhoe Town) was complaining too much, as the game was an entertaining one, which perhaps gives me hope for the future.

The Forest victory was an important one; not only was it our second away win in a row, but it was also a thoroughly absorbing contest. Bearing in mind that we’ve got to the last 16 of the FA Cup after two comprehensive away wins and have a game we should win away to a lower mid-table Championship side in the shape of Blackburn Rovers, why don’t we all stop stressing about getting European football from our league position and just enjoy ourselves? There are 14 league games left. The Champions League has gone, which is a pity, but not the end of the world. If we repeat the pattern of the first encounters in this last trimester, we’ll accrue 26 more points, which would have us finishing the season on 62. Last year, that would have seen us in 6^th spot and qualifying for the Europa Conference League. I don’t know what that is, but it sounds alright doesn’t it?

Let’s cheer every win and brush off every defeat. The time for rebuilding and doing something about the physiotherapy arm of the club that seems to strike down half the squad with niggling muscular injuries week in, week out, is the summer. Postpone all inquests, savage recriminations and the search for reliable strikers with a decent fitness record until then. Who knows, with a favourable headwind, we might just fluke a win in the FA Cup that could save Nice Guy Eddie’s job. Mind, a good chasing at Ewood Park and the chances of him still being in post at Easter are slender to anorexic.