Like a lot
of people, my tolerance for a seemingly endless series of arid, goalless draws
that stifle the love I have for the beautiful game is fairly low. All right so
there are nil-nils and nil-nils, but these recent drab, blank bore fests are
making me seriously consider whether the love and money I invest in watching
games on a Saturday afternoon could be better spent elsewhere. However, that’s
enough about Bedlington 0 Rothbury 0 (4-2 pens after 120 interminable minutes)
in the Alliance Combination Cup and Chemfica Amateurs 0 Heaton Stan A 0 in the
Alliance Development Division, what about Newcastle United eh?
The Magpies
are currently in the midst of a mid-winter break, which has recently taken
place on the last weekend of January when normal clubs play in the FA Cup 4th
round. This year, the Premier League has seized upon the yawning chasm in the
fixture list occasioned by the cancellation of the February international
friendly date, to give clubs a weekend off. Not coincidentally, the FA Cup 5th
round has shifted to the first midweek in March and all replays have been
jettisoned. Mark my words; this will be the norm for rounds 3 and 4 from next
year or the year after, which is ironic as the two replays NUFC have been
involved in recently, have been among the most enjoyable games I’ve seen all
season.
Being
honest, there would not have been a Rochdale replay if Joelinton had been able
to hit a barn door. Instead, Almiron’s classy finish was nullified by the
ageing Aaron Wilbrahim’s leveller. Hence, the replay and, after more than 2
years of boycotting home games after the absolute nadir that was 0-0 v Brighton
in December 2017, Ben and I took advantage of Platinum Club briefs for a tenner
and took superb seats in the Leazes Wing of the Milburn. Rochdale had held us
to a draw and taken Man Utd to penalties in the League Cup, but this was a game
too far. Their defence quite lost the run of themselves, gifting three goals in
the opening 25 minutes. I was off my seat punching the air when Matty Longstaff
turned and laced one home. Almost as good was Joelinton’s unerring finish from
young Tom Allan’s pinpoint cross. It was a good night and I’m really glad I’ve
seen the team in the flesh this season. Of course the relatively encouraging
performance has nothing to do with the manager. Bruce is a simpleton and his
sides are tough to beat mainly because they’re even tougher to watch, still
going through their paces of Benitez’s anti-football by memory, as the mentor
has departed and his replacement is more schooled in Gorman’s takeaway menu
than 21st century catenaccio.
Then again,
the dreary draw at home to Oxford, was supplanted by a quite incredible game at
the Kassam Stadium. Alright, so NUFC would get their arses handed to them
against a good side, but the 5-goal thriller in Blackbird Leys was a minor
classic, with every goal being a bit of a gem in its own way. Saint-Maximin’s
winner brought the house down, and justifiably so. Truly, a night that showcased
the oft maligned magic of the FA Cup.
Of course,
for the past 15 years the FA Cup could have brought in rules stating teams must
play in fancy dress, or take the field nude, oiled and tumescent, and it
wouldn’t have made a blind bit of difference to us, as not one of the bosses
from Roeder to Benitez has managed to manoeuvre NUFC into the hallowed reaches
of the last 16 since we lost narrowly to Chelsea in 2006. Again, not
coincidentally, this was the last campaign pre Ashley. However, the world has
changed; that master tactician and Mr Creosote body double, Thteeeve Broooth
has piloted the good ship Newcastle United past those footballing colossi
Rochdale and Oxford United, and into the sights of Championship leaders West
Brom. Whether this midweek, floodlit tryst at The Hawthorns will replicate the
joy of 1974, or the farce of 2010, only time will tell, but at least we know
whatever NUFC side takes the field, they’ll have a bloody good go at winning
the game, unlike the shambolic shower of free transfers in waiting that Benitez
foisted on the competition. Not coincidentally, for the third time, Curtis Good
was unavailable for this year’s cup tie at Oxford when we won, after a scare,
but played the full 90 minutes, for no readily apparent reason, of the 3-0
debacle in 2017.
It has just
occurred to me that I’ve not written about Newcastle United since the October
international break last year (http://payaso-de-mierda.blogspot.com/2019/10/shoot-out-lights.html),
so there’s been a fair bit of
action gone on in the meantime. To summarise, there have been 17 games in that
time, which have seen 6 wins, 4 draws and 7 losses, which is the kind of
results distribution you could reasonably expect from a bang average, mid-table
side who are on course for about 50 points and 11th place at season’s
end. Obviously such a reasoned overview doesn’t reflect immediate responses to
the highs (Shelvey’s stunner against Man City, Almiron’s first goal versus
Palace, the theft of 3 points home to Chelsea or the injury time insanity at
Goodison) or the lows (the collapse at Old Trafford, failing to show up at
Villa Park or the frustrations of Norwich at SJP), but it does reflect that the
results don’t lie and Newcastle, lying in 12th spot with 31 points
from 25 games, are doing just about okay.
Bizarrely,
reactions to NUFC’s progress vary considerably, though perhaps unexpectedly, on
Tyneside and Wearside. While Newcastle fans, still blinded by the false lustre
of the Benitez era, unfailingly talk down any positive results or performances,
for the purpose of continuing to regard the departed, avaricious Spaniard as
some kind of demigod and Bruce as an obsequious charlatan. Meanwhile,
Sunderland supporters accentuate the positive, for the purpose of denigrating
and demonising Benitez’s alleged achievements, while highlighting how much
better a boss Bruce is. I see the arguments on both sides, but still can’t
accept that Benitez did much more than phone it in during his 3 years and escaped
as soon as an enormous bag of cash was dangled in front of him. I don’t often
agree with self-appointed sage Gary Oliver’s delusional opinions, whether about
non-league football, politics or music, but he’s bang on the money about what
he refers to as the Children of the Rafalution; blinkered, naïve, intolerant
and quick-tempered, they make adopting a nuanced attitude to NUFC a dangerous
thing to do on social media. Like the
shirts, everything is black and white in Magpie world.
The team has
obvious strengths, in terms of probably the best clutch of centre backs we’ve
had in years, the best keeper since Shay Given and a solid set of midfielders
now Ki has been paid up, but there are glaring weaknesses. For a start, the
forward line is dreadfully weak; Joelinton’s weaknesses and lack of confidence
may be the most obvious problem, but goals are a problem for others as well.
Gayle is the most mobile and thoughtful option we have up front, but he’s done
nothing and Carroll, nice lad and good bit part player he is, still hasn’t
scored either. Muto notched our first
home goal this season, but I wouldn’t trust him to go to the shop for a pint of
milk, never mind lead the line in a Premier League game. Happily both Saint-Maximin
and Ritchie are returned to fitness, so creativity from out wide should be a
feature of subsequent games, even if Arsenal may rediscover their mojo by
banjoing us on Sunday.
Additionally,
the loan signings of Bentaleb and Rose offer promise, though Lazaro, to me at
any rate, is an unknown quantity. These 3 may leave at the end of the season
and, if they do, it seems likely they’ll be accompanied by soon to be free
agents: Fernandez, Manquillo, Elliott, Darlow, Colback and Matty Longstaff.
Only the first and last of these causes me any distress. Losing Ferandez would
be an error, while losing Matty would be an outrage. Letting a brilliant young
local prospect leave for nothing, because of a spiteful refusal to pay him a
decent wage, would be possibly Ashley’s most despicable act in the 13 years of
his rule.
If Matty
does walk away from the club, I’d pour down even more derision on Ashley, but
I’d stop short of calling for him to be beheaded by a sword, then having his
decapitated body crucified for 3 days. I don’t think I’d like to see him stoned
to death in a specially dug pit or shot in the head from close range. I wouldn’t even demand the amputation of a
limb or for him to be flogged. The punishments I’ve listed above are permitted
by the Saudi Arabian penal code for such offences as atheism, adultery or
homosexuality. Perhaps all those who fervently hope that NUFC can be sold to
the (probably mythical) Saudi Royal Family Investment Trust can stop taking
photos of their gaudy wristwatches and reflect upon the morality of such a
move. Ashley is an evil, rapacious, unapologetic capitalist, but he isn’t a
despotic ruler, vehemently opposed to any form of human rights outside of the
adamantine strictures of Sharia Law. Sometimes it really is the case that it’s
better the bastard you know…
No comments:
Post a Comment