mar ná beidh ár leithéidí arís ann

It isn’t a secret that as well as spending my leisure time on matters pertaining to football, music and Real Ale, I’m also a bit of a fan of cycling, Literature and Irish politics. Sometimes it’s nice when everything can combine, Venn diagram style; “Ich liebe es wenn ein Plan funktioniert,” as Hannibal Smith used to say on Das A Team.

I like to think of myself as the living embodiment of Antonio Gramsci, Stewart Lee and Brian O’Nolan, who you may know by his pen names Flann O’Brien or Myles na gCopaleen. At University in County Derry in the 80s, the depiction of student life in At Swim Two Birds, especially “the painful and blinding fits of vomiting brought on by an addiction to brown bottled stout” and pints of black porter connected with my own experiences. However, the desperate puns of Keats and Chapman and the bizarre demi monde of The Third Policeman have proved to have a more enduring appeal. Every time I pedal past a police station, Sergeant Pluck’s words repeat themselves; "Is it about a bicycle?"

This year marks the centenary of O’Nolan’s birth (he died in 1966; on April 1^st fittingly enough) and it is refreshing to see that he hasn’t been forgotten in the League of Ireland, which is reaching the business end of the season with 2 sets of fixtures to go in each division. Bohemians’ manager Pat Fenlon is keeping the tradition of putting on the poor mouth very much alive in tribute to O’Nolan’s satirical Irish language classic An Beal Bocht. As ex Big Club contemplate their second successive trophy-free season, following a disappointing 1-0 home reverse to Sligo Rovers in the FAI Cup Semi Final at a sparsely populated Dalier and an inconsistent league campaign that will provide them with at best a 4^th place finish which won’t be good enough for European qualification, Fenlon continues to paraphrase Corca Dhorcha’s most infamous resident, Bónapárt Ó Cúnasa, in decrying the terrible series of unfortunate events that leave the Gypsies with a decrepit ground and not a pot to piss in.

Of course, Bohs are not alone in their tribulations; their city rivals for 4^th or 5^th place in the league, St Patrick’s Athletic managed to wrestle failure from the jaws of victory to end this campaign empty handed. On the 50^th anniversary of their last FAI Cup victory, they were 1-0 up against 10 man Shelbourne (who’d only been restored to the competition after non-league Sheriff YC, who’d come back from 2-0 down to win 3-2 at Tolka in the last 16, had been kicked out for fielding an unregistered player) in the semis, only to concede an equaliser, then lose the replay 3-1 at home after taking the lead. Great news for Shels, or so you’d think, but it means their stuttering promotion campaign (at one stage they were 10 points clear at the top) still hasn’t come to a satisfactory conclusion. Below them, Bray, Dundalk, UCD and surprisingly after their last few seasons, Drogheda, have secured Premier Division football after quiet campaigns.

At the bottom of the Premier, Galway United, a tragicomic soap opera of a club that would stretch the bounds of credibility in a work of fiction, have amassed the grand total of 6 points from 34 games, but may yet avoid relegation, though liquidation may be their final destiny. The proposed 2012 League of Ireland campaign will see a 12 team Premier Division; current teams 1-9 inclusive are safe, the top two from D1 will be promoted and Galway will play off against the third placed D1 side to complete the full complement of clubs. We’ll deal with the top of the divisions later.

Mid-table in D1 sees Longford, Waterford, Athlone, Mervue and Finn Harps going through the motions, while Wexford Youths and Salthill Devon (rumoured to be considering chucking it all in come what may) are level on 11 points, 14 points adrift of Finn Harps. They meet in the final game of the season at Ferrycarrig; I wish I could go. The bottom placed side may face a play-off, but with the abolition of the A Championship, this is by no means assured. Quite where this leaves the 8 or 9 teams outside of the Premier Division, depending also on a close examination of the accounts at Terryland and Dalymount Parks, nobody really knows.

The tops of both tables look quite exciting, with this being the current state of Division 1, where to finish fourth is a disaster -:

1	Monaghan United	28	20	4	4	55 / 26	64
2	Cork City	28	18	9	1	68 / 24	63
3	Shelbourne	27	20	2	5	53 / 21	62
4	Limerick	28	18	6	4	45 / 22	60

Shels have a crucial game in hand at home to Finn Harps, before ending their season at home to Cork.  Don’t rule out suicide at Tolka, as a 94^th minute Limerick goal in 2008 prevented them from automatic promotion; it may happen again.

In the Premier, much as it pains me to say it, Michael O’Neill’s Shamrock Rovers are easily the best team; their Europa League adventures are not flashes in the pan and they will be worthy champions if they beat UCD next Monday. The table currently stands like this -:

1	Shamrock Rovers	34	21	8	5	63 / 23	71
2	Sligo Rovers	34	20	7	7	66 / 17	67
3	Derry City	34	18	12	4	62 / 22	66

Third placed Derry won’t be too upset, as they won the EA Sports League Cup at the end of September, defeating Cork City at Turner’s Cross and Sligo must fancy their chances of retaining the FAI Cup they won in a dramatic penalty shootout against Shams at the AVIVA last November.

Division 1 ends on Saturday 29^th October and the Premier Division the night before; by then Mary McAleese’s successor in Áras an Uachtaráin ought to have been decided, as Ireland elects the 9^th President in the history of The State on October 27^th, which is coincidentally my mam’s birthday. She’s not standing, but almost everyone else is.

In the year of Fine Gael’s crushing victory in the February General Election, it should have been a given that this largely ceremonial and effectively useless role would have gone to a Blue Shirt nominee; the only problem being their candidate Gay Mitchell is less popular than Fianna Fail were at the last election. He’ll get nowhere near winning, but at least his party has put someone up, unlike Dev’s Diehards, unless you count former FF national executive member Sean Gallagher, who is pretending to be an Independent as having FF next to your name on the ballot paper is akin to a public admission of a penchant for coprophilous tendencies.  That said, he’ll do okay, but he won’t win.

Neither will other independents: Mary Davis, former head of Irish Special Olympics Delegation and all-round good egg, who was nominated on account of being called Mary, like the last two Presidents, hasn’t a hope. David “Dottie” Norris, of whom we said too much in this blog in the past, has resurrected his campaign amidst further unpleasant revelations about his arrogant attitude to sexual misdemeanours by his former confidantes and playfellows. Don’t forget about the rabid clericofascist candidate and certifiable loony. Former Eurovision Song Contest winner Dana Scallon may pretend to be all kinds of everything to the electorate, but he bile-spattered utterances mainly comprise the flint-faced Opus Dei philosophy of Pearse, with the barefaced deceit in the face of a whiff of sexual abuse scandals generally associated with the Holy See. I’d rather see Clodagh Rodgers fronting the DUP, to be frank.

That only leaves Lord McGuinness of Londonderry, aka P O’Neill, aka Don’t Mention the Armed Struggle, who appears to have more of the armalite than the ballot box about him in recent weeks, especially when questions get too near the knuckle about his other career. Consequently, if Labour’s Michael D Higgins doesn’t limp home against this shower of head cases, someone needs to organise a séance to get the spirit of Douglas Hyde to assume control.

Vote early; vote often, as they say in on Parnell Square.