Dancing About Architecture #2

The very wonderful TQ #72/73 is out this week. Please buy it & not just because it includes the following piece by yours truly that discusses the autobiographies of Sonic Youth alumni Kim Gordon & Thurston Moore -:

There are many different musical routes and experiences that have brought us all to this issue of TQ . Our interest in underground, experimental, outsider music could well have been engendered by an initial interest in one or more of the following genres, whether they encompass improvised or scripted practice: classical, jazz, folk, electronica (be that one or more of the ambient, dance or prog varieties) or rock, in any of its myriad forms. However, if your path involved detours among the many substrata of American post punk, including hardcore, straight edge, noise, or No Wave, I'd imagine the work of New York's Sonic Youth , especially during the 1980s, will have been of paramount important. Without a doubt, the vinyl triumvirate of Bad Moon Rising (1985), EVOL (1986) and Sister (1987), though markedly less avant gardethan the band's earliest material, are crucial highlights in the history of American art and noise rock, though everything the band released between their establishment in June 1981 and dissolution on November 14 ^, 2011, is of exceptional merit, even allowing for the fact that from Goo in 1990 onwards, Sonic Youth were a major label act, signed to Geffen Records .

Although Sonic Youth used both Richard Edson and Bob Bert as drummers in their early years, as well as Jim O'Rourke and former Pavement member Mark Ibold as bassists towards the end of the group's life, the quintessential line-up that played on most of Their greatest works consisted of Kim Gordon (bass/vocals), Thurston Moore (guitar/vocals), Lee Ranaldo (guitar/vocals) and Steve Shelley (drums). I only saw Sonic Youthin the flesh once. Having missed their 1986 tour, on account of residing in County Derry at the time (bands just didn't play in the north of Ireland back then), I caught them at Newcastle Riverside on March 17th ^, 1989. They were incredible. A stunning sonic maelstrom that almost literally lifted you off your feet. Perhaps not as extreme as Swans or as uncompromising as Big Black or as primal as Killdozer, but a seminal experience, nonetheless.

Musically, all the members of Sonic Youth were endlessly creative. As well as the band's 16 studio albums, the four of them participated in a baffling number of collaborations with many different musicians and released a shelf-bending series of solo records. Since the band's demise, both Moore (twice) and Ranaldo have played solo shows in Newcastle, at The Cumberland Arms in Byker of all places. Tickets sold out instantly and I didn't get to any of these gigs, but I did have dealings with both of the other members in 1994, interviewing them for Newcastle based listings magazine, Paint it Red . Steve Shelley, affable and charming, drummed for The Raincoats when they first reformed and I caught up with them backstage at Riverside between soundcheck and set for a relaxed chat. The other, considerably less enjoyable, encounter was a telephone interview with a tetchy Kim Gordon about her Riot Grrrl project, Free Kitten , that she'd formed with ex- Pussy Galore guitarist Julia Cafritz. I thought at the time, and still do now, that the Free Kitten project, especially the debut album Nice Ass , was an ill-disciplined, self-indulgent mess. I wasn't the only one to express that opinion, which Gordon was all too aware of. Presumably this is why she slammed down the phone on me after half an hour of small talk that studiously avoided reference to her new project, I asked when Sonic Youth would be getting back together. Fortunately this incident doesn't get a mention in Gordon's excellent 2015 autobiography, Girl in a Band , though in its pages, she still bristles at the reception Free Kitten got. Good job I didn't make mention of her Harry Crews outfit who released a steaming 12” pile of ordure in 1989.

Some important facts to consider: Kim Gordon and Thurston Moore married in 1984, had a daughter Coco in 1994 and precipitated Sonic Youth's public disintegration in 2011 when their marriage ended in highly acrimonious circumstances after Moore left Gordon for Eva Prinz, who he is now married to. Last year, Moore published his autobiography, Sonic Life , which is a very different beast to the one his ex-wife released 8 years previously, both in terms of content, approach, and attitude. In some ways, you'd think the two books are talking about a completely different set of experiences, rather than a shared, if disputed, narrative.

It was always a nagging regret of mine that I'd not read Gordon's book, which had been released to universal critical acclaim. That regret became an unquenchable thirst once I'd got about halfway through Moore's take. Her book is 273 pages long, concentrating on her childhood for about the opening quarter of the book, but focusing mainly on her and Moore's partnership, both from a personal and a musical perspective, with considerable emphasis on their daughter and her impact on their life . I know the cliché that time is a great healer, but back in 2015 both Kim Gordon and her daughter were absolutely decimated by Moore's desertion of the two of them. Girl in a Band features an unflinchingly honest account of the sudden disintegration of a previously happy, if not perhaps idyllic family circle, and how badly it affected both mother and daughter. In contrast, Sonic Life is 480 pages long, he spends the first couple of hundred pages cataloging all the records Moore loved in his early teenage years, then the gigs he and his best friend Harold drove to New York City from their home in suburban Connecticut , before he found a place to live in the Big Apple and formed Sonic Youth . From that point, we get an exhaustive, though completely fascinating, account of every album and tour the band embarked upon. In only the last chapter, barely a dozen pages in length, does Moore give his guilt-free account of how he turned his life round 180 degrees, in a matter-of-fact way that is astonishing for its lack of both emotion and insight . Frankly, I simply can't understand how such selfish, narcissistic actions can be validated by Sonic Life being awarded the accolade of Rough Trade's Music Book of the Year for 2023.

I'm glad I read both books and I certainly won't allow the revelations, or otherwise, gleaned from either publication to influence my attitude to Sonic Youth's extensive back catalogue, though I was certainly more interested in investigating Gordon's 2024 album , The Collective , than in anything Moore may release in the future.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bad Blood

 NUFC; September 2024. We've got Johnny Johnny Johnny Johnny Johnny Ruddy on the bench, on the bench. NUFC; October 2024. We've got Roger Roger Roger Roger Roger Thornton on the board, on the board.

Percy Main's narrow 10-0 loss away to North Shields Athletic in our local derby last weekend was the last game I'll see of ours for a while. However, and I must be clear about this, the result is not what will be keeping me away from Purvis Park in the immediate future, as I'm fully aware of the fact that both management and players are giving their utmost in highly trying circumstances . No, the fact is I'm going to be busy for a few weekends in a row. Saturday 12 October will see me at Durham Gala Theater for a reading by David Peace from his new novel Munichs (and we're off for a pint afterwards). Yes, I won't be at a football game, astonishingly enough. Saturday 19 I'm in Brussels with Ben to see Royal Union St Gilloise v Genk, as well as to sample the odd lambic or saison. Saturday 26 sees me attending Montrose v Cove Rangers as I zoom in on completing the 42. Hence, I'll not be able to see The Main until our trip to Burradon New Fordley on the first Saturday in November. The fact we lost 8-0 at home to them back in August has already tempered my expectations, unlike large numbers of those who intend to support Newcastle United, who reacted to the loss to Fulham and drew at Everton with the kind of wry sense of humor akin to Macduff's response to the murder of his family in the Scotch Play.

I don't know about you, but I'm becoming ever more conscious of the fact I'm too old to understand how youngsters analyze football these days. Don't even begin to ask for an explanation of the Man City court case that, apparently, they and the Premier League both won (I thought that was called a draw?). Even matters on the pitch are too complicated for us old fellas these days. To me, the final score is what matters, meaning that Newcastle v Man City and Everton v Newcastle are worth the same at the end of the day. I mean, I do recognize a point against City is a more praiseworthy outcome than a point against the Scouse Mackems, but apparently, I'm being naïve and old fashioned (at the same time?) and that I need to get with the program by looking at the stats and XG in particular in order to grasp the complexities of the modern game. Frankly, no thanks; football is an art, sometimes a brutal one, not a science, so don't try and blind me with equations and theorems. Let's just look at how often the ball hits the net, or otherwise, as at Goodison Park.

Since the last international break, Newcastle have played 5 games (four of them in the league and one in the League Cup). While 4 were broadcast live, the only one I got to see was the Everton one. The Wolves game was the first time it struck me this season that allowing my cheap deal with Virgin to expire and not sign up again for a Sky Sports package may have been an error. After putting up with BBC website coverage of a performance that seemed to be going nowhere, I switched the thing off after an hour. I’d seen the solid start, mini collapse and late rally at Bournemouth, and it seemed we were only going to see the first two elements of that recipe on this instance. Of course, in the same way that you’re never more than six feet away from a rat, modern technology means you’re never more than 10 seconds from a goal alert. Notifications of the blinding long-range strikes by Schar and then Barnes had me dancing round the living room. Of course, I didn’t know about Pope’s brilliant late save until I saw the highlights. He’s no good with his feet you know, as the social media doom mongers insist. Whatever the truth in that assertion, the simple truth was that, on the back of the score from Molineux, if Newcastle won at Fulham, they would go top of the Premier League.

We didn't. We lost badly and I blanked all coverage of the highlights, by ignoring Match of the Day , because I think sulking silently is the most mature way to handle defeat. Things might have been different if Joelinton's early effort had stood, but it didn't, and things didn't get any better from that point onwards. I would point out though, at the end of last season Newcastle finished in a slightly disappointing 7th place, after suffering terrible injuries, a loss of form and putting in as many a shoddy performances as sparkling ones. This season, we're in exactly the same position after turning in a series of, apparently, terrible performances that should see us sack Howe while sticking with him, spend £300m in January while waiting until next Summer before bringing more players in, at the same time as selling Gordon, Longstaff and Trippier while building a team around them.

The really crazy thing though, is just how many people seem to know the intimate details of a supposedly blazing row/power struggle between Eddie Howe and Paul Mitchell, with the shadowy presence of James Bunce (whoever he is and whatever he is paid to do ) lurking in the background. Back in my day, the club was owned by Westwood (is a Pirate), Russell Cushing signed the checks and Joe Harvey managed the team. End of story. Now we've got a whole panoply of suited executives doing lots of different important tasks. Even this week, some chancers were commenting wisely on social media about what a “shrewd move” it was to appoint a new director I've never heard of (“we've got Roger Roger Roger Roger Roger Thornton on the board, on the board"). I suppose it makes a change from signing yet another goalkeeper ("we've got Johnny Johnny Johnny Johnny Johnny Ruddy on the bench, on the bench"), although it won't do anything to silence the hysterical squealing from the Fourth Estate or prevent another doom-laden True Faith h editorial telling us exactly what to think.

Whatever the truth behind the Howe/Mitchell Mexican stand-off, the really sad news is that Darren Eales has been diagnosed with a fairly severe form of cancer. It's a tragedy for him and his family. Let's hope it isn't used as a way for various self-appointed fan oracles to empire build on the back of it. One thing the under 30s have got right is their absolute contempt for the Chronophiliac apologists for the House of Saud and the atrichorous chuckle heads who insist that we all keep on keepin' on. All of this came about in the week of the AFC Wimbledon postponement, leading up to the Man City game. I think most of us were dreading this one, not just because we'd not been playing great, but because they're so maddeningly good. In the end, a solid point and a sparkling team performance (the best of the season) restored something like positivity to the NUFC supporting world.

I really will have to give the AFC Wimbledon game a bit of a swerve as I was down in Manchester watching another mesmerizing gig by Godspeed You! Black Emperor. All I'll say is that it was good to see the Mythological Greek get some pitch time, meaning that Johnny Johnny Johnny Johnny Johnny Ruddy had to stay on the bench, on the bench. Despite the win, there were still murmurings because Osula wasn't at the same standard as Isak yet, but moaners like that are never satisfied.

Goodness knows what they made of Jordan Pickford and Anthony Gordon sharing a laugh and a chat at full time after the Everton game. Fair play to little arms for doing his homework for the penalty and also to Calvert Lewin for recognizing after the game he'd fouled Burn and not the other way round. In truth, we should have won this and the reason we didn't is the lack of a proper alternative to Isak, as Wilson appears to be claiming PIP these days. Let's hope he gets well soon, although I doubt he will, as we face Brighton (H), Chelsea (A), Chelsea (H – League Cup), Arsenal (H) and Forest (A) in the next series of matches. We need 6 points minimum and a cup victory to be achieving anything close to a reasonable set of results. 

Strong Words Softly Sung

As I’m off to see and talk to David Peace, Macdara Yeates and Nick J Brown in the next couple of weeks, I thought I’d best tell you what I think of their latest words and sounds in a cultural blog that encompasses August and September. Oh, we also went to the pictures. For the second time this year, if you please. The Critic is a preposterous slice of melodramatic cheese, but McKellen, as ever, is worth the entrance fee alone. Anyway, now on to proper culture.

Music:

Despite the fact I’m about to praise one of the finest CDs I’ve heard in years; this latest set of observations is about to be overshadowed by live performances by Godspeed You! Black Emperor, not to mention their latest soon-come album and other new products by Bardo Pond, Jill Lorean and Shovel Dance Collective. This is not to say I’ve endured some crap gigs and releases of late, far from it. Certainly I can’t praise my mate Richy Hetherington and his song-based project Lovable Wholes or his more experimental solo stuff as Katpis Tapes highly enough. The former project came about after the tragic suicide of Richy’s younger child and many of the songs Lovable Wholes, which mainly consist of him and his other child Hope, perform live, such as at The Globe in mid-August and on their wonderful Show You’re Working Out cassette, are slow, sad, gentle, loving numbers. The bring a righteous tear to the eye in public and floods of them in private. If you haven’t done so, grab a copy of the memorial Songs for T album that Richy curated. All profits go to teenage anti-suicide charities.

Richy gave me a couple of CDs for my birthday; Drooping Finger’s Arthur’s Hill and the remixed version of the same, Arthur’s Hill Reimagined. I strongly prefer the first one as I didn’t really get much from the remixed efforts. It’s an interesting ambient concept, but not as appealing to these ears as Lee Dickson, in his alternative guise of Gerry Mandarin, cutting up the back catalogue of the BBC Radiophonic Workshop for the mind-bending esoterica of Sound Affects. This one is very much worth hunting down. Another pal, Canadian Dave, has long felt I need to have gaps in my back catalogue plugged, so he got me Royal Trux’s Accelerator album for my birthday. I’d seen them live in 1993 I think it was, but this album was a new one of me. Vicious, abusive, brief and bawdy, it spits in your face and then punches you on the jaw. Just the sort of horrible, bratty noise punk that couldn’t last. And it didn’t, when they chose heroin over music as a lifestyle choice. Hell of an album though. The neighbours hate it.

In terms of other gigs, there was Wrest at Barrowlands that I mentioned in this blog: https://payaso-de-mierda.blogspot.com/2024/09/wrest-be-thankful.html and we’ve sorted out tickets for their show at The Grove in December. A whole family outing indeed. If they take off, as looks likely, they’ll never play a venue that small again. The same probably won’t be said of that Wansbeck institution, St James Infirmary. At the last TQ Live event of the year, Gary Lang was accompanied by Mark Oliver, for a Krautrock influenced set that sounded, by turns, remarkably similar to Can and then to Soft Machine’s We Did It Again. No bad thing of course and I enjoyed this. I also enjoyed the next act, the more improvised and less structured Modulator ESP. In parts, it sounded almost like a gamelan orchestra, in others like a munitions factory on overtime, but never less than impressive. Ideal music for drawing pictures in your head to.

Now, to finish with, one of the finest albums I’ve heard in years; Traditional Singing from Dublin by Macdara Yeates. I’ve always been a sucker for unaccompanied Irish songs, especially the sad, almost sentimental numbers that establish cruel England is to blame. There’s no rebel songs here, and some of the best numbers are from well without The Pale, specifically Galway and Leitrim, but Yeates’s voice can stand alongside anyone you want to name. Luke Kelly, Joe Heaney, Christy Moore; Macdara is on the one road to being as great as anyone of them. Now, the album as a whole isn’t perfect by a long chalk. In fact I’d go as far as to say there are 3 songs on here I don’t like at all, but when he gets it right, the music soars, it flies, it explodes. It’s a thing of beauty talking about ugly times and awful events, but that’s the lot of the Irish and it makes me so proud to be one of the second generation diaspora mourning, like earlier emigrants in far Amerikay, for a distant land they’ve half forgot, and which has changed beyond all recognition since they were last home. I tell you what though; I challenge anyone to listen to The Shores of Lough Bran (a song I’d not heard since 1983), Rocking the Cradle (the auld fella made sure I was familiar with Paddy Clancy’s version from infancy) and Joe Heaney’s awesome Boys From Home without bursting into floods. Fine songs given fine, fine treatments by a truly exceptional talent.

 

Books:

This autumn has seen some of the big hitters release their new works, but there are still a few other books I picked up on the way. My mate Harry gave me Wisden 1965 for my birthday, which is helpful to look back on what was happening that sunny Tuesday when I emerged into the word in 1964. Not much really, to be honest, other than the first day’s play at Lords in a two-dayer between the Combined Services and Provincial Universities, where one of the umpires was the marvellously named J. F. Crapp. Another pal, Rod, gave me the mildly diverting bog read Cricket’s Craziest Moments by Will Wooton, which kept me amused on a bus journey at least. Rather more seriously, I was given a £30 book token by my friends Christine and Brian, for which I was enormously grateful. With it, I bought three books I’d long wanted to read; ee cummings The Enormous Room, William Faulkner As I Lay Dying and Peter Handke’s The Left Handed Woman. The latter, which is about 80 pages long, is one I meant to read as an undergraduate, having been beguiled by The Goalkeeper’s Anxiety at the Penalty Kick, but never got hold of it. Very modern, very Socialist, as Basil Fawlty would say. The other two, which are by turns a charming autobiographical sketch of the insanity of war (rather like a Catch 22 set in the 14-18 conflict) and a grandiose, Southern gothic dynastic masterpiece, were ones I’d didn’t get round to during my MA in C20th American Literature, but that everyone else praised to the high heavens. I think Faulkner’s is the greater work, but I’m glad to have read both.

Tonight, before sitting down to write this, I was dropping some recycling off at my local Sainsbury’s where, totally by chance, I came across an abandoned, unread 40^th anniversary edition of Alastair Gray’s sublime Lanark. Of course I’ve read it and of course I’ve loaned it to someone who didn’t give it back, but no matter I’ve got another copy now, as well as a still-wrapped musicological study of Don Cherry that looks a tough read. So confused was I by my discoveries that I forgot to buy bread, muesli, mouthwash and shower gel. No wonder I got my weekly shop for a shade over £20. However, talking about books in supermarkets, back in mid-August, Shelley and I were out in Hexham and browsing through the charity book pile in Waitrose (man), I came across one of those OUP Open University playscripts of Gotthold Ephraim Lessing’s Nathan the Wise that was on a module about the enlightenment. It’s also supposed to be one of the earliest German language plays by the inventor of Deutsch dramaturgy. It is quite daring, as it is a plea for religious tolerance and inclusivity among Christians, Jews and Muslims. Not the sort of thing I’m normally keen on reading, but well worth 20p anyway.

Nick J Brown is a fella I’ve got to know via Twitter, partly on account of his passion for German football and his love of County cricket, which obviously elevates him in terms of civilised attitudes. I’m hoping to meet up next week in Manchester when I go down with Ben and Dave to see Godspeed You! Black Emperor. Long story short, Nick is a writer and now, indeed, he is a published novelist with the appearance of To Rise in the Dark. In a yet to be published review for TQ magazine, I decry the lack of quality fiction about music, but I wrote that piece before I had a notion this book would exist. It’s a great read; three teenage bandmates meet up again after 30 years at the funeral of the other original member. Accompanied by the deceased’s daughter, they go on a Mancunian pub crawl and during it scores are settled and axes ground. It’s a book that boasts excellent character delineation, a realistic and manageable plot, along with punchy dialogue and real sense of location. Like all the best writing about music, it doesn’t dance about architecture, as there is no attempt to describe the music itself. Instead, you care for these three ageing, fallible blokes and the distraught daughter. There’s a minor shock at the end, like all good books, but nothing terrible happens, which I was glad about. I strongly recommend this read.

So, that only leaves us with, in chronological order of reading, Irvine Welsh’s Resolution, Roddy Doyle’s The Women Behind the Doors and David Peace’s magisterial eulogy to the Busby Babes, Munichs. Where to start, eh? Well, I’m not really into compiling orders of merit here, but I will say, even if I’m bound to be accused of favouritism, that David’s book is the one I enjoyed the most. His solemn, forensically elegiac account of events from the crash in February to the bathetic cup final loss to Bolton in May, never strays near sentimentality, but provides a truly compelling and convincing narrative. We are actually in the heads of Jimmy Murphy, Bobby Charlton, Bill Foulkes, Harry Gregg and Matt Busby. We understand and we empathise, assisted by a superb ear for the cadences of ordinary speech from Barnsley and Dublin, as we intrude and share the grief of those left behind. It is truly a stunning novel, but I do wish he’d hurry up and get that bloody book about Yorkshire CCC written.

I also enjoyed Doyle’s book very much. Those familiar with his work will know the northside everywoman that is Paula Spencer; now 66 and with an on / off older lover up by Howth. It’s the time of COVID and Paula’s eldest child, the one who’d made a packet materially, has jacked it all in and left the family behind, to come back home to Mammy. It’s a profound shock to Paula, dealing with ageing, loneliness and the utterly unexpected difficulties provided by lockdown. Despite Doyle’s tendency towards pedagogical preaching, it is an excellent and important book. Certainly, if his work now sees him trying to tie up the loose ends of the lives of the characters he’s returned to previously (specifically the Rabbitte family), then I won’t be complaining. All you need to know is that Paula is a fighter and a survivor, who never gives up. I’ll always be in her corner, cheering her on. DNS forever!!

On the subject of tying up loose ends, the clue to Irvine Welsh’s intentions are made clear by the title of Resolution. Like several of his other novels, such as The Sex Lives of the Siamese Twins or The Blade Artist, the book moves at full pelt, sacrificing nuance and subtlety for broad brush dollops of plot. It is almost as if he needed this book to be written, to allow Ray Lennox some closure, so he can move on. Yes I enjoyed the rattling, breakneck pace, which allows you to ignore many of the less plausible plot devices, but when you think how the young lads in Trainspotting were immaculately delineated to the last fibre, in a book where they were almost paralysed by their surroundings, you feel that Welsh has lost something of his art by churning out glorified pot boilers like this.

Well, the next time I’ll be culturally blogging, new works by Michael Houellebecq and Ian Rankin will have come and gone. Told you it was an Autumn for big hitters.

 

 

Time

An old cricketer has left the crease...

Saturday 3 August:

After last week’s rain ruined fixtures, the sun shone brightly on Tynemouth CC, but sadly only the first XI avoided defeat. Having travelled to High Heworth Lane to face Felling, Tynemouth were given a tough afternoon in the field by the home side, who made hay whilst the sun shone, posting 314/6 from the maximum possible 58 overs. The wickets all went to spinners: Josh Moors (3-102), Dan McGee (2-43) and Martin Pollard (1-50), with the only realistic aim then being to avoid defeat. This they did, posting 229/5 from 52 overs, which was a good effort, having been 80/4 at one stage. The star batters were Joe Snowdon (71*), Matty Brown (67) and Robbie Bowman (48), which helped Tynemouth to reasonable haul of 10 points, leaving them 6^th in a very tight table as we enter the final third of the season.

 

The 2s hosted their Felling counterparts and lost by 6 wickets, having batted first and failed to get enough runs. Tynemouth were dismissed for 178, with runs coming from Josh Koen (43), Patrick Hallam (36) and Dan Thorburn (29). In response, it was a tight game when Tynemouth reduced Felling to 95/4, mainly on account of Dan Storey’s excellent bowling (10-3-28-2), but the visitors found another gear and an unbroken partnership of 88 saw them home with plenty of overs to spare.

On the back field, the 3s fielded another combination of sprightly youth and aged decrepitude against Lions, whose home game it was. They batted first and, despite the very best efforts of Ed Snelders and Rohan “Gorgeous” George, Tynemouth were hampered by a lack of bowling options. Lions, aided by Jay Virpura (166*), posted an imposing 303/4. Clearly, Tynemouth 3s were not going to make this total, despite some thrilling late heroics by ian cusack (1) and subsided to 66 all out after a cautious 37 overs. Special words of congratulations go to Joe McAvelia (22), Archie Goel (14) and Will Bogg for a superb catch. Even in defeat, these young players offer hope of a bright future for the club. The Sunday 3s lost by 15 runs to Burnopfield, despite the best efforts of George Stewart (53), Will Bogg (48), Ben Harland (44*) and Patrick Hallam (37).

Next Saturday, August 10^th, sees the 1s at home to Benwell Hill, the 2s away to the same opposition, the 3s hosting Newcastle and ian cusack’s 60^th birthday in the pavilion at night. All Tynemouth Cricket Club members are invited.

 

I’d always had in the back of my head the sense that this would be my last year as a player, however loosely you wish to employ that term, but it was a shock just how unexpected and unwelcome that retirement was. We’ll get to that in a while, but I need to go on record now and say that I’m delighted how Tynemouth Saturday 3s have developed, almost organically, into a dads and lads XI that ensures we can go on playing at this level for a couple more years at least. As Skipper Richy Hay has told me on numerous occasions, you can’t make people play and, in the absence of viable options anywhere else, the Boggs, the Goels, the Harlands, the Hursts and the Aditjandras offer the club some reliable drivers (in the vehicular sense) at least. During the latter part of the season, we came to rely on various combinations of these siblings and family units to turn out a team.

That didn’t happen today. We got thoroughly obliterated by some savage hitting. I sent down 4 overs for about a million and made my first run at home, on what was to be my last ever appearance at Tynemouth CC. There was even the indignity of being called for a no ball when I managed to squeeze one between the legs of their big hitter and clip middle stump. I really could have burst into tears, but I just got on with it. I tried bowling to my field, seeing one drop down disappear about ten yards over the head of the lad at deep square and another flighted delivery neatly bisecting long on and long off, one bounce over the rope. Being told, ever so gently, to take a spell at my back I heard time's wingèd chariot hurrying near, in what was to be my penultimate game.

Saturday 10 August:

Another tough weekend for Tynemouth CC with none of the 4 weekend teams being able to claim a victory. The first XI did have the consolation of losing a classic encounter with Benwell Hill at Preston Avenue, where over 600 runs were scored on a batter’s dream of a pitch, no doubt aided by simply glorious weather that made it a joy to bat and to watch proceedings.

The home side batted first and posted an imposing 302/7 from 53 overs. The total included excellent contributions from Ben Debnam (53), Stan Mcalindon (35), Matty Brown (24) and Josh Moors (22*), but the real highlight was a stellar knock of 134 by Robbie Bowman. Statisticians would be deeply impressed by this glorious century including 10 maximums and 10 boundaries, meaning exactly 100 of his runs came from balls going over the rope. Enormous congratulations to this young man who seems to get better by the week.

However, the declaration gave Benwell Hill 57 overs to make the runs required, a task they achieved from 54.1, largely because of an unbeaten 171 by opener Yash Kothari. Tynemouth’s bowlers gave their everything, with Phil Morse (3/78) doing his bit on his return to first team action, but the momentum was with the Hill, and they closed in on a seemingly impregnable target with less than 3 overs to spare. Well done to both teams; cricket really was the winner in this instance.

In the reverse fixture at Denton Bank, a much changed Tynemouth 2s side did well to restrict Benwell Hill to 220 all out. Neil Bennett (3/29) lead the way, with great support from Oliver Hiscott (2/6) and Andrew Smith (2/43). Praise is also due for Richy Hay (1/37), Ed Snelders (1/38), George Bogg (1/18) and Rohan George, who stepped up to come to the assistance of a seriously depleted Tynemouth 2s. Sadly, in response, the innings ended on 150 all out. Marcus Turner (39) and Chad Koen (38) lead the way, with assistance from Bennett (24), Smith (19) and Hay (15), proving them to be almost as valuable with the bat as with the ball, but the victory went to the home side.

Because of a lack of availability, Tynemouth 3s were forced to concede their home game against Newcastle 3s. The Sunday 3s lost to Tynedale by 6 wickets. Batting first, they were dismissed for89, with Zach Larner (37) the only batsman in double figures. The visitors scored the runs for the loss of 4 wickets with Lewis Gault (2/5) making the best of things for Tynemouth.

This was the day of my 60^th birthday party which, I must say, was one of the best nights of my entire life. To be in a room with 80 or so people who I love dearly and who have all improved my life massively over the years, was a truly humbling experience. I just hope they’ve forgiven me for my appalling rendition of “Rocks of Bawn” when in my cups. It did make up for the crushing sense of disappointment I felt when, with only 8 players, we conceded against Newcastle around 10.00am. Considering Newcastle conceded 3 subsequent games and had 2 mutual cancellations in their remaining fixtures, I think we may have jumped the gun, especially as my ex-sister-in-law’s son was all set to play for us on loan from Kexborough Cricket Club. Sadly, he would only have given us 9 and so we chose not to play, meaning we not only gained 0 playing points, but were penalised 10 for our second concession of the season. This is why the evolution of the team is so important.

Instead, I went to watch Percy Main’s opening home game against Burradon & New Fordley. We lost 8-0. 

Saturday 17 August:

Another glorious Saturday in August saw another set of under strength Tynemouth teams, hampered by holidays and Ben Richardson’s nuptials, on the end of another set of defeats.

Tynemouth first XI travelled to Burnopfield, where they batted first and were dismissed for only 140. While Ben Debnam (36), Stan Mcalindon (26), Robbie Bowman (20) and Joel Hull-Denholm (20) all contributed, there was a feeling this would not be enough. So it proved, when Burnopfield scored the runs required, for the loss of 4 wickets, with skipper Martin Pollard (3/30) doing his bit in trying circumstances.

Tynemouth 2s were at home to Gateshead Fell but lost a desperately tight game by the margin on 2 wickets. On a wicket for bowlers, Tynemouth were dismissed for 108, with contributions by Andrew Lineham (20), Marcus Turner (17), Patrick Hallam (16), Sam Robson (16) and Sean Aditjandra (13). With Gateshead Fell rocking at 94/8, it seemed if an unlikely home win was in the offing, but alas this was not to be. Patrick Hallam (4/34) and Rohan George (3/25) were so nearly the heroes.

The Saturday 3s, including three sets of fathers and sons, lost by 138 runs to Greenside 2s, but this does not tell the tale. At drinks, Greenside were 100/2, so to dismiss them for 225 represents a great effort in the field. Plaudits must go to captain Ed Snelders (3/11), who bowled magnificently throughout, as well as Richard Harland (3/55), who bowled his 9 overs straight through. Interestingly, he took wickets with both the first and last balls of his spell. Daniel Scott (2/55) and Kai Lewis-Main (2/55) also deserve mentions in dispatches, as do Simon Bogg, who took two stunning catches. In response, Lewis-Main contributed an excellent 16, but that man Snelders (26*) was a colossus. A vital final wicket partnership with ian cusack, who contributed a thrilling, season’s best 3, enabled the important collection of a batting point, which could be vital in the battle against relegation.

I wasn’t to know it when the game began at 13.00, but by the time it ended, when I was last man out at just before 18.00, I was fully aware that this was to be my last ever game of cricket, aged 60 years and 7 days. As you can see from the report, the dads and lads were in full effect in this one, even if was Ed Snelders, an absolute legend for the club, who really held things together. He even game me a bowl and, I’m proud to say, my second last over in competitive cricket was a maiden, with the first two balls being two of the finest I’ve ever sent down. The first one landed right on the spot and I could have packed in right then, basking in the warm afterglow of a job well done, while second one turned away slightly, missed the edge of the bat and off stump, going between the keeper’s legs for a bye, but that wasn’t against me. Indeed, at one time my analysis read 2.5-1-3-0, only for me to do a reverse Stuart Broad and get clobbered for 6 off my last ball. They might have worked in the first year of The Hundred, but those drop downs outside leg stump don’t cut it in the Northumberland and Tyneside Cricket League Division 5 (South), as their batter thumped me over deep backward square for a maximum. Still, you learn from your mistakes, or I suppose I could have done if fate hadn’t dealt me a cruel hand.

When I shambled out to bat, we were 68/9, a daunting 12 runs away from a single batting point. However, Ed was in his Headingley 1981 mode and his eventual 26* represented the second highest score he ever made for Tynemouth. Personally, the 3 singles I took (all on the posh side, mind you) represented a season’s best for me and 60% of my entire total for 2024. When we got that single blessed bonus point, Ed and I were elated. We even entertained the fanciful notion we might get to a second point, before disaster struck. As I said, all my runs tend to be scored on the offside, mainly because I lack any kind of hand eye coordination when the ball is going past my left hand side. In an attempt to rectify this, I noticed a slow, wide, legside delivery that just begged to be dismissed in the way the last ball I’d bowled had been. Taking an almighty heave, I missed the ball that was even wider than I’d anticipated, toppled over and crash landed on my left hip and thigh. Seeing the umpire signal a wide was no great consolation.

I’ve never retired hurt in my life, but I should have done that day. The pain was excruciating and, when I was dismissed a couple of balls later when the bowler managed a straight one, I found a more appropriate use for my bat as a Tiny Tim style crutch to help me off the field. The pain grew steadily worse as the night wore on and by Sunday evening, my leg and arse were blue. On Monday, Shelley took me to Rake Lane Walk In (ironic?) Centre, where I had an x-ray. No break, thankfully, but a thinned pelvis and hip, caused by age and all the heft I’ve carried around over the years, meant there was only one outcome. I didn’t immediately make this known to the rest of the team, declaring myself unavailable for the next couple of weeks, but I knew I wasn’t coming back, especially as at the time of writing (23 September), I still can’t go on the treadmill or cross-trainer at the gym as it hurts too much.

Saturday 24 August:

The weekend of 24 August was an inauspicious one for Tynemouth Cricket Club, with all three senior teams suffering defeats. The first XI hosted South Northumberland at Preston Avenue. The visitors batted first and amassed an imposing 329/6 from their 45 overs, with Owen Gourley (3/53) being the most successful home bowler. In response, Tynemouth were dismissed for 204, with Joe Snowdon (58) and Matty Brown (55) leading the resistance.

Meanwhile, Tynemouth 2s made the trip to Roseworth Terrace and lost by 6 wickets. Batting first, Tynemouth made 148, with Andrew Linehan (47) leading the resistance, supported by Sam Robson (24) and Anthony Turner (21). South North achieved the runs required for the loss of 4 wickets. In the midweek preceding, the 2s had also bowed out of the James Bell Memorial Cup, losing to Whitburn. After a decent effort with the ball by all six bowlers, restricting Whitburn to 109/8, Tynemouth could not get the required momentum with the ball, falling short on 75/5, with George Stewart (32) and Adam Tugby (21*) playing valiantly in a losing cause.

Finally, the Saturday 3s lost to Monkseaton by 84 runs. However, as is ever the case with the Regents of the Back Field, the percentages game comes into play, as well as rejoicing that ian cusack was hors de combat with his bad hip. Monkseaton made 197/6 with Ed Snelders (3/25) again outstanding. This gave Tynemouth 3 bowling points. With the bat, a total of 113 all out meant that 2 batting points were accrued, vital in the struggle against relegation. Special mentions must go to Simon Bogg (24* and another stunning catch) and Dan Watt (18), who put on 41 for the ninth wicket.

Mobility issues prevented me from getting to this one, so instead I saw Percy Main get their first win over the season, 3-2 over Haltwhistle Jubilee.

Saturday 31 August:

For Tynemouth 1s and 2s, the weekend of August 31^st and September 1^st consisted of a double header, with the games postponed from the opening weekend of the season rescheduled for the first Sunday of autumn. The 1s travelled to picturesque Castle Eden on Saturday, coming away with a win that banished any lingering fears of relegation that recent indifferent form had prompted. Batting first, the home side were dismissed for 170. Bowling plaudits go to skipper Matin Pollard (3/19) and Fred Harrison (3/36). The response saw the runs knocked off in 30 overs for the loss of 4 wickets. Well done to Matt Kimmitt (67) and Ben Debnam (36) for steering the side home.

On Sunday, there was a more exacting test away to NEPL champions elect Burnmoor. Tynemouth were put in to bat and started well. Debnam and Kimmitt took the score to 69 before Kimmitt fell for 22. Ben Debnam made an impressive 80 but from 75/1 and 98/2 the team rather collapsed finishing on 161. Leg spinners Fred Harrison and Josh Moors both took 2 wickets each but a half century from home skipper Ryan Pringle and 42 from Josh Coghlin, both off just 30 balls, saw the home team home by 4 wickets. The result means that Burnmoor are Champions for 2024.

Tynemouth 2s had back to back home fixtures on this Magic weekend. Firstly, Saturday saw the visit of Castle Eden. Batting first, Tynemouth posted an impressive 266/8, with Dan McGee (85) top scoring, as well as taking 2 wickets later on, though there were notable contributions from all, including Patrick Hallam (54) and Sam Robson (35). Castle Eden gave it a good go, but fell short by 11 runs, ending on 255/6. On Sunday, Hetton Lyons proved a stiffer test. Dismissing Tynemouth for 199, with Hallam (49), Zach Larner (47) and Andrew Linehan (45*) doing the bulk of the work, Hetton Lyons achieved their revised target of 151 for the loss of 2 wickets after only 24 overs.

There was much rejoicing among the Saturday 3s, for whom the dark days of ian cusack’s presence are becoming a distant memory, after a superb 10 wicket win over Percy Main that all but mathematically guarantees their safety in Division 5 South of the NTCL. Ed Snelders (7-3-9-5), who is having an incredible run of form, was assisted by Dan Storey (7-1-17-3) and Unsure (3-0-3-1), in dismissing Percy Main for 45. The runs required were achieved in 4 overs, without mishap, mainly on account of Zach Larner (32*). Well done to the whole team.

Even before the injury, I was always going to miss this one, as Shelley and I were up in Glasgow to see Wrest. Great gig, even if standing up for 2 hours solid was a bit of an ordeal for me.

Saturday 7 September:

The sun beat down after a foggy start to the penultimate games of the season, as all three Tynemouth teams were beaten down by the opposition and didn’t have the foggiest notion how to avoid their fate. At Preston Avenue, Tynemouth 1s batted first against Chester le Street and were dismissed for 133, with only Dan McGee (33) and Joe Snowdon (26) offering proper resistance. The visitors knocked the runs off for the loss of one wicket, while on the back pitch Tynemouth 3s also lost by 9 wickets to United Stars, having only made 114 in their innings.

Meanwhile, Tynemouth 2s travelled to Ropery Lane to be dismissed for 96, with interim chair and folk music devotee Andrew Lineham (27) top scoring. Chester le Street made the runs required for the loss of 4 wickets. Richard Hay did well to claim two of those to perish.

At the current moment, the 1s are comfortably placed in 8^th in the NEPL Premier Division, with only the slim prospect of ending up 9^th. The 2s are a disappointingly 9^th in NEPL Division 2, though clear of relegation. The Saturday 3s sit 11^th in NTCL Division 5 (South). With the bottom two sides relegated, they will definitely finish above last placed Percy Main 2s and are 51 points ahead of Blaydon 2s, though they do have a game in hand. If Blaydon do not win both of their remaining fixtures, and they have failed to win any of their 22 games so far this season, the inactive 3s will be safe.

It was still a big ask to wander round the cricket club, so I took the easy option of watching Percy Main, almost on my doorstep, lose 2-0 to Newcastle Independent at Coach Lane.

Saturday 14 September:

The curtain began to fall on the 2024 cricket season, with Tynemouth 1s and Tynemouth 2s completing their fixtures with games against their respective sides from Newcastle Cricket Club. The fixtures were a prelude to a thoroughly enjoyable and restrained end of season awards presentation and social gathering at Preston Avenue.

Tynemouth 1s had travelled to Jesmond for their final game and returned with a thoroughly pleasing 51 run victory that sees The Croons end the campaign in joint 7^th position in the table, level on points with Felling. Batting first, Tynemouth made 219 all out from 44.5 overs with Stan McAlindon (52) top scoring, with vital support from Robbie Bowman (42) and Josh Moors (36). All three have had superb seasons for Tynemouth and we thank them so much for their efforts. One unfortunate incident was Joe Snowdon breaking his toe when batting and being unable to field, necessitating Chris Fairley and his velvet larynx, having top scored for the 2s in their game, making a dash down the Coast Road for the second innings.

In reply, Newcastle were dismissed for 168, mainly on account of the efforts of the more experienced bowlers. Barry Stewart (4-34) showed his George just how it is done, and skipper Martin Pollard (3-30) made a telling contribution, to remove skipper Bobby Greener without scoring. All in all, a thoroughly positive end to the season that has been marred by foul weather and a lack of continuity of selection.

Tynemouth 2s lost by 6 wickets to Newcastle 2s, after only posting 134 in their innings. As mentioned already, Chris Fairley (35) made a positive contribution, as did Patrick Hallam (32).  In reply, Newcastle raced home in 25 overs for the lost of 4 wickets, though it should be noted 2 of them went to the reliable Richy Hay. The final table sees the 2s finish in a disappointing 10^th position, though they were never in danger of relegation.

Being the inactive 13th team in the NTCL Division 5 (South), Tynemouth 3s were interested observers of results elsewhere. On the day the aged and incompetent ian cusack blessedly announced his retirement on medical and sporting grounds, the mutually conceded game between Blaydon 2s and Newcastle 3s, sees Tynemouth 3s finish in the dizzying heights of 11^th position, ready to fight another year with the Dad and Lads Army the team has transformed into. Here are the young men, the weight on their shoulders, as Joy Division opined back in 1980 when even I were a lad.

 

One of the bugbears of our league this season has been the fact we have an odd number of teams in our division. Hence, on the day things came to a close, the 3s were all like me; inactive. However, having seen Percy Main draw 1-1 with Stobswood Welfare, there was still a reason to be at TCC, even if the 2s had managed to lose before I arrived. The legendary end of season awards and celebration. Over the past decade, I have come to know some of the finest blokes it has even been my privilege to encounter. Most of them (no names incidentally) were here tonight and I shared bevvys will almost all of them. We laughed. We drank. We sang. We drank some more. I think it was about 1.45 when I shambled out the door and into an Uber I have no recollection of travelling in.

In my years as a member, player, bar man and press officer with Tynemouth Cricket Club, I can truly put my hand on my heart and say I have given my all. However, the club, as both an institution and an entity, has given me so much more in return. It breaks my heart to step away, but the time is right to do so.  Thank you and goodnight. You’ve been a wonderful audience.

 

 

 

 

Tape Delay

Recently, I was given 17 NME cassettes from the mid to late 90s. Here's what I thought of them -:

One of those seemingly inconsequential, but crucially important facts about recently turning 60 is that it is now over 30 years since I stopped buying the New Musical Express. I first became an infrequent NME reader aged 15 and from 19 February 1981, I bought it religiously every single week until I knew I could no longer put up with the declining standards of journalism, hysterical bandwagon jumping and stupid, internecine squabbles between bands and writers, buying my last copy in August 1994, just as I turned 30. It was a relief to no longer have to deal with a weekly dose of pompous bluster. At that point, I’d read it for half my lifetime. Now, I’ve not read it for half a lifetime and, truthfully, I can say I’ve not missed it all. Strange, considering how vital its words to me for so long.

Serendipitously, and completely out of the blue, my mate Karl contacted me to say he had 17 NME cassettes, from 1993 to 1998, that I was welcome to have, as he had no interest in them. Surveying the slush pile as it spread across my living room carpet, checking release dates, it seemed a racing certainty I must have owned a few of them at the time, though last year’s review of all my old tapes suggests only the first named one, Field Trip, is still in my possession. Of course, back in the day, I was a voracious consumer of all things NME related. I used to collect tokens, for C81 and C86 to send off for them, as well as buying various other NME sponsored CDs, videos, DVDs and vinyl albums. This was before record companies cottoned on to the idea that cheap compilations affixed to the front cover, would snare curious readers who could actually find out what the bands mentioned in the pages sounded like, for free, before buying the product. In a sense, it took the risk out of purchasing. Obviously, come around 1999, CDs took over from tapes as the appropriate vehicle for ballons d’essai and subsequently downloads won the war. Indeed, the NME doesn’t even exist in print form these days. Times change.

Purely for research purposes you’ll understand, I took the tapes off Karl’s hands and engaged in a forensic deep dive, the results of which are in the brief reviews below. Suffice to say, if anyone would like numbers 1, 2, 6, 7, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 16 and 17, then you’re more than welcome to them. Just contact me by whatever means you normally do…

1.      Field Trip: July 1993

This is one of the very few of these tapes I actually had, and I’ve still got it. Recorded at Glastonbury in June of that year, it begins with a very wobbly version of White Belly by Belly, before the best song on any of these tapes; Teenage Fanclub absolutely nailing Big Star’s Free Again. Ok, not as good as the 1992 K Records 7” single version, but pretty awesome, nevertheless. There’s a Suede song after that, which made as much impact on me as their entire back catalogue did back in the day. Flip it over and there’s Evan Dando drawling his way through Big Gay Heart. It’s well-meaning and that, but it doesn’t exactly age well, ideologically speaking. The tape ends with a very presentable Take Good Care of It by Spiritualized. Beautiful, in fact.

2.      5 Reel: 18 September 1993

Another one I actually owned, though I presume I threw it away unopened, having seen who was on there. Carter USM’s lame pastiche of Mick Jones, Travis starts this off, before a dreary track by One Dove and a stupid prank phone call by The Jerky Boys, who I’ve never heard of, conclude side 1. Side 2 gets no better, with uninspired crusty plodding by Back to the Planet and Curve’s bland Goth by numbers. I’ve no wish to keep this one.

3.      Brat Pack: 29 January 1994

I never really got The Sugarcubes; same goes for Bjork, so her opening One Day made no impression on me. In contrast, Space Boy by Smashing Pumpkins is absolutely stupendous. Flipping over, we have Radiohead, New Order, who I lost interest in after Love Vigilantes in 1985, and something decent by Elastica; none of whom particularly float my boat, but I’m keeping this for Billy Corgan’s efforts alone. Well done, baldy!!

4.      The Mutha of Creation: 12 February 1994

I had this one, but it was a faulty copy, so I binned it after one listen. That was a regret as it included The Boo Radleys, Teenage Fanclub (an excellent reading of Goody Goody Gumdrops that was often an encore around this time), Sugar, Ride and Oasis. I think I’ll keep this one, but I could put it on eBay as there’s bound to be some idiot prepared to part with some of his (and it has to be his) hard earned for a demo version of Cigarettes and Alcohol.

5.      WEA C30: 1994

The first of the label specific collections, which made me a bit suspicious as to the motives of the NME and their paymasters at the time, is a mixed bag. Red Hot Chili Peppers, who I’ve never had any time for after seeing a rancid show at the Riverside in February 1990, Green Day, Babylon Zoo, Candlebox (whoever they were), Biohazard and Electrafixion are all utter garbage. However, Shane MacGowan’s voice still holds up, possibly for the last time in his career, on Church of the Holy Spook, while The Jesus & Mary Chain knock out a late first period minor classic in Dirty Water and Dinosaur Jr’s Feel the Pain, sounding incredibly like a Sebadoh song ironically enough, is top notch.

6.      This is Fort Apache: 1994

MCA Records were the sugar daddies behind this eclectic collection, including several bands who passed me by at the time. First up we have The Walkabouts, whose country rock ordinaire failed to raise my pulse, but at least they aren’t offensive, unlike the ragged bluster of Cold Water Flat. Unlike the opening two acts, I was aware of Belly, but I have to say I’ve gained absolutely nothing from hearing their rancid take on Are You Experienced? Similarly, I’m conversant with much of Sebadoh’s work, but The Freed Pig from their third album is nothing special, even if it does sound remarkably English; redolent almost of Richard Thompson. Apparently, it’s an attack on J Mascis. Wow, best revisit that then. US indie also-rans Fuzzy have their most famous track Flashlight included here. It is nothing special, but it’s a lot less dull than Here Comes the Pain by Juliana Hatfield. The tape finishes with some sprawling Lemonheads dreck, from when Dando was a full throttle bag head, then the whole programme repeats itself on side 2, which is just cruel.

 7.      Xmas Dust Up: 17 December 1994

The Dust Brothers do a superb job here on what is, sadly, a very dated sounding megamix that would have been an absolute floor filler at the time. You can tell exactly how they handed the baton on to The Chemical Brothers after this. I don’t know if I’d listen to this again, so I’m giving it away, despite the fact it’s the biggest and best, unexpected treat of all the tapes I’ve listened to so far. A grand slice of discotheque nostalgia.

8.      USA Today: 18 November 1995

This one is another of the princely treasures I’ve found on this frog snogging exercise. Opening up with the stately and superb Unwind from Sonic Youth’s Washing Machine, it is a tape that encompasses some of my most enduring musical preferences. The standard remains high with the punchy and effective Sam by Boss Hog. Side 2 isn’t quite as stellar, with something anodyne by Garbage starting things off, though Rocket from the Crypt and The Amps bring home some very noisy bacon.

9.      WEA NME 2: 1995

Oh, this is an unbearable load of crap. More bloody Electrafixion, Green Day and Red Hot Chilli Peppers, alongside woeful middle of the road dross by The Pretenders, Suggs, k.d. lang and Alanis Morissette. I’m not making this up you know. There’s also a couple of non-entities such as Better Than Ezra and Lick, who I’ve never heard of. Thankfully, the tape machine chewed up the cassette within 20 seconds of the start, so I was spared the ordeal of actually listening to this shite.

10. Brat Bus: 3 February 1996

Christ this is bland. At least it gave me a chance to consciously hear The Bluetones for the first (and last) time in my life. Fluffy are also on here, so I had the unexpected chance to listen to them twice in one day. There’s a track by The Cardigans, who I knew about. Quite charming musically, except for the helium-voiced chanteuse. It finishes with something with Heavy Stereo, whose singer couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket. Did any of these bands ever have any fans?

11. Here Comes the Summer: 1996

Remember the superbly cutting, but ultimately accurate putdown, landfill indie? Well, here’s the largest manmade mountain of skinny white, bourgeois, jangly detritus ever found in one place. Cast, Lush, Bis, Mansun, Pusherman (who?), The Afghan Whigs (what are they doing here?), Super Furry Animals, Baby Bird, Northern Uproar (seriously), Dubstar and Smaller (me neither) are the ones responsible for the dullest 40 minutes I’ve had in a long time. Kudos to Dodgy, who manage to sound like very early Soft Machine on Homegrown.

12. Bleeping with the NME: October 1996

I know less about dance music than I do particle physics or embroidery, so all I can say is that this seems to be a collection of some fairly stellar names from the time: Orbital, Underworld, The Chemical Brothers (which I quite liked), Goldie, Leftfield and DJ Shadow (great jazzy, prog wig out, like Weather Report). Alright if you like that sort of thing; certainly not unpleasant, though a bit dull to these ears.

13. WEA NME 3: 1996

Obviously, I wasn’t reading the NME by this point. Judging by the acts on this collection, I doubt WEA’s A&R team were either, as I can’t imagine this appealed to the traditional NME readership. This begins with Alanis Morrissette, followed by Catatonia, ffs. Kimberley Austin by Porno for Pyros is quite canny, unlike the faux mockney posturing of the irredeemably obscure Jaguar. I’d never heard of them, nor You Am I or Spacehog. For good reason, in each instance. Similarly, one hit wonder Mark Morrison shows why he never had another chart topper. There’s a lovely Nada Surf song that stands out like a diamond in the mouth of a corpse. The same can’t be said of a bizarre piano-based, overwrought ballad by Flaming Lips and I’m really not sure what to make of Tricky remixing an Elvis Costello song.

 14. Beat Up the NME: 1997

 Former Housemartins bassist Quentin Cook has augmented his substantial inherited wealth with the fortune he’s made under his disc jockey alias of Fatboy Slim. He has shown a hitherto unknown philanthropic side, sponsoring Brighton & Hove Albion FC, who wore his Skint Records logo on their home shirts and creating this uproarious, joyful hour long megamix. I think they used to call this kind of music Big Beat, didn’t they? I’d not heard of any of the artists he has remixed, but every so often you can discern one of the samples he has used, Louie Louie and Silver Machine for instance. Good fun to be frank, though I’m saying it through gritted teeth.

 15. Creation for the Nation: 1997

Without any plot spoilers, I can reveal this is the last of the tapes I’m keeping, mainly because it includes a lovely early version of, I Don’t Care from Songs from Northern Britain by the greatest band of all time. This is a welcome high spot, as the tape begins inauspiciously with some tripe by The Gallagher Brothers, the unremarkable Arnold, an ill-advised dance remix for The Boo Radleys and some pretend Britpop from Edward Ball, before the charming beats and synthpop stylings of Japanese girl group Ultra Living end side 1.

Side 2 up the rocking ante, with the very busy 3 Colours Red sounding rather like The Ruts, before post-David Keenan friends of the war criminal Tony Blair, 18 Wheeler recreate the best bits of baggy. Super Furry Animals get all ethereal for a while, before some of their usual shoutalong thud and blunder. The Diggers show that Creation signed as many duds as delights, before Hurricane #1 end the tape. While I loved early Ride, all I can really say about Andy Bell is that he has the same birthday as me and that the trilby fools no-one, baldy.

16. Radio 1 Sound City Oxford: 25 October 1997

This is the first of all these tapes to come in a proper jewel case, unlike the cardboard sleeves of the first 15. I vaguely remember these Radio 1 Sound City festivals. Indeed, I went to see The Wedding Present at Sheffield Leadmill in April 1993 in the very first of them. By the time Newcastle had its turn in October 1998, I wasn’t in a good place and, other than The Wedding Present at Riverside, I didn’t engage with any of the events. A real shame in retrospect. Then again, I sort of lost connection with new music between about 1997 and 2005, for some reason. It wasn’t a great time.

 Introspection over, I have to say this tape includes a load of bands who are just names to me. Side 1 is all guitars: Embace, Sleeper, Travis (this is only the second of their songs I’ve ever heard and it’s not as band as the other one), Gene and Hurricane #1 again. Side 2 is all bleeps and big, big beats: Bentley Rhythm Ace, DJ Shadow and Lo-Fidelity All Stars, with a surprise, and welcome, intervention from Spiritualized. The tape ends with some lachrymose, howlingly overwrought country-tinged rock from Ultrasound. In summary, first side is as pitiful a selection of abject wimpy guitar whine as I’ve had the displeasure to come across in many a long while. In contrast side 2 is a jolly old knees up (Spiritualized excepted, but they’re really good anyway).

17. Brat Pack 98: January 1998

Saving the worst until last, perhaps the only good thing about this tower of toss is the plastic jewel case it comes in. Beck (always mixed him up with Moby), Radiohead (zzz), Prodigy (first time I’ve ever heard Smack my Bitch up and I don’t like it), Stereophonics (just awful), Death in Vegas (not Death in June, as I’d hoped for), Mansun, Bentley Rhythm Ace, Travis and The Seahorses. In mitigation, there is a Blur track on here, but everything else is just awful.

There you go then; I’m keeping 6 tapes (one of which I’ve got already), giving away 10 and had to bin the other. As I say, contact me if you want them.