The Sound of (Not-So) Young Scotland

Amazingly, my solo CD, "The Pseudobulbar Effect" has sold out of all physical copies, so here's my latest cultural blog about what I've listened to and read over the last couple of months -:

MUSIC:

I should have reviewed the double album soundtrack that accompanied David Keenan’s magisterial account of outsider music, “Volcanic Tongue,” last time around, but for ages I couldn’t bring myself to listen to it, as I feared it would contain the sort of industrial power electronics that made Nurse with Wound sound like The Dooleys. Guess what? It doesn’t and it is as brilliant as it obscure. Containing 20 “Tips of the Tongue,” which were the pick of the crop contained in each weekly email from the titular record shop, this is an eclectic compilation album celebrating a whole raft of contemporary DIY music from around the world, often released in tiny runs on homemade CD-Rs or cassette, and also sought to shine a light on forgotten artists from the past, who had often released their music as a ‘private press’ LP. This collection has been put together from releases that run the gamut from outsider synth burbles to psych-folk to damaged rock’n’roll, with tracks recorded between 1968 and 2013, making it a celebration of a vibrant and wilfully esoteric underground avant-garde that lives up to the description of it as being “A Time​-​Travelling Evangelist​’​s Guide to Late 20th Century Underground music.” If you know, you know and if you haven’t got it, you really should.

On a totally different track, the doyen of football journalists Brian Glanville died in May, and his obituary told me his son, Mark Glanville, an Oxford educated former Millwall boot boy, was an opera singer, whose stand out project, with the pianist Alexander Knapp, “A Yiddish Winterreise” is described as “A Holocaust Survivor’s Inner Journey Told Through Yiddish Song.” Before anyone gets on their high horse and calls me a Zionist apologist or sympathiser, educate yourselves as to the stance of Orthodox Jews towards the behaviour of the state of Israel. This is not a defence of the indefensible; it is a slow, solemn paean to the victims of pogroms and holocaust since the middle ages. It’s very heavy going, with no pause for breath, though the English text reveals lyrics that sometimes celebrate love, marriage and the beauty of nature. I don’t know how many times I’ll listen to it, but I’m certainly glad I have it in my possession. Similarly, Isolated Community’s latest set of field recordings “Movement in the Half Light” is an intense and impressive collection of found sounds from the wilds of the Northumbrian countryside. Rachael and Richard Dunn have put together another aurally challenging and visually stunning package that transcends simple electronica and ambient noise, to make a loving tribute to the eerie beauty that lies on our doorstep. Give or take 40 miles anyway.

Back to Glasgow (do I have anywhere as much music from any other city? I sincerely doubt it, though New York may come close) and Lavinia Blackwall’s fantastic sophomore solo release, “The Making,” has been well worth the half decade wait since her debut, “Muggington Lane End.” A sprightly, life affirming collection of self-penned Baroque Folky semi-psychedelic anthems, it shows her to be in fine form and backed, as ever, by the cream of Glasgow’s folk pop intelligentsia; husband Marco Rea and Stilton alumni Jim McGoldrick and Seb Johnsen. A rich tapestry of folk, rock, and psych-power pop, the album showcases Blackwall’s unparalleled vocal prowess and evocative songwriting, further cementing her reputation as one of the most distinctive around. The cover is beautifully nostalgic as well.

The supremely talented Jill Lorean released a split 7”, “The Book,” with S. Antigone, of whom I know nothing, other than her track “Sweethearthood (An Ode to Laurie Bird)” is a sumptuous slice of dream pop, not too far away from several C86 acts we could, but won’t, mention. AI tells me S Antigone “likely refers to the musical project or band featuring Simone on guitar/vocals and Georgia on clarinet. They are described as playing together for the first time, with their music characterized by the interaction and sometimes jarring contrast between the two instruments. Simone's vocals range from muttered musings to "evil song" yelling.” Fair enough! Meanwhile, Jill has delivered another blistering, high octane pop punk number that adds to her ever growing canon of brilliant work. This band should be massive. I can say the same about Dragged Up, whose CD single “Blake’s Tape” *and the superb accompanying “Clachan Dubh”) is a menacing beast of a song, showing how ferocious they can be. Live, I’ve seen this band and know how powerful they can be, so it is great to have a physical release that showcases them when they’re off the leash. Love it.

Digging through the bargain bins the other week, I found a copy of Beverley Martyn’s 2014 solo album “The Phoenix and The Turtle.” It’s more acoustic blues than folk, but worth getting for her solo take on the original version of “When The Levee Breaks.” There’s a few other interesting cuts on there as well and certainly represents a quid well spent.

As well as collecting recorded music, I’ve also ventured out to a few gigs of late. Chronologically, the first one was Ramleh at The Lubber Fiend, which was back on May 31^st. They were supported by Louse, who were a little too fast and growly for my tastes, but the audience seemed to love them. The singer looked like PC Hipsta gone to seed and when he took his t-shirt off revealed a set of capacious man boobs. Half the members of Louse were also in the other support, The Shits, who are truly one of the worst ordeals I’ve ever been put through. A dull Ruts tribute act with a gormless singer who spent half the set spitting at the audience. Truly terrible, but at least Ramleh were good. Without the US-based Phillip Best, they have morphed into a kind of psychedelic, slow motion hypnotic Dinosaur Jr style outfit, with nods to Pink Floyd, The Grateful Dead and Swervedriver. This is what I came to hear, and I didn’t mind missing the last bus home after the gig ran late. 

There’s no chance of missing the last bus after a Shunyata Improvisation Group gig; not when it starts at the Cullercoats Watch House at 7pm anyway. On the second Sunday in June, I was free to walk through my beloved Tynemouth for the first time in 3 years. A good shift in the gym, a quick visit to TCC to see how the Academy were getting on and then a stroll up and down Front Street, then along the sea path to Cullercoats. Oh how I’ve missed the place. I’m sad I can’t go back there permanently, but you make choices in life. Sometimes they are for the better and sometimes they just don’t work out. I don’t regret leaving when and why I did for one moment, but I am glad I can return without repercussions. I even overcame my fear of solo dining, having a splendid curry in Bilash. The mixed kebab was an excellent starter, but the superb Lamb Bhuna was even better. Thanks to Dan Storey for the recommendation.

And so to the Watch House. Last time I’d seen Shunyata here, the wind from the sea was so strong you’d have thought an orchestra of comb and tissue players were outside, such are the decrepit window frames. This time, it was still and only the inane burbling of a pair of entitled middle class bores passing by was of minor irritation. Instead, we could focus on the joyous work of the latest, three-piece iteration of SIG. They are as beguiling as ever, but the addition of vocals by Katie Oswell, like a kind of Buddhist Diamanda Galas meets the whistles and bird song of Percy Edwards, makes it an even more profound experience to immerse yourself in. John Garner has been so busy with his Shakuhachi studies of late that it was a joy to hear him on the violin for so much of tonight. A wonderful, reflective event that had a shamefully low attendance of about 15 souls, but it makes me long for their next performance on September 7 at The Healing Café. The menu looks promising as well.

I’m starting to become a little depressed by the pitiful turnout at some independent gigs. My pal Richyy organised an early evening double header at The Little Buildings the other week. Despite the number of people who claimed on Facebook that they were interested, or even going, the attendance was a paltry dozen or so, for two excellent female singer songwriters. First up was California native but York resident Isadora Darling who has a soulful voice that could charm the birds from the trees. A set of self-penned ballads of love and loss that were perhaps a little too Jools Holland for my tastes, but the woman has talent, and can she sing? Wow! Watch out for her name and see how many people pretend they came to see her once she goes global. More to my taste was So-Anne-So, a zany French chanteuse who was almost a Gallic female Ivor Cutler. Weird and whacky narratives delivered on her Casio keyboard, with Bontempi flourishes, that included a delicious, madcap version of “Ever Fallen in Love.” She is brilliant. I’m seeing her again whenever I can and will buy all her product, once there is some. A true one-off. Thanks to Richyy for putting this on and no thanks to those of you who couldn’t be bothered to show your faces.

I know Andy Wood of TQ has been suffering the same problems with the gigs he puts on at The Globe, which is why I was relieved there was a decent turn out for my mate and one-time musical collaborator Chris Bartholomew the other week. Bartholomew, as he styles himself, has just released his new album, “Subterranea,” a wonderful, expansive collection of electronic composition with additional trumpet and vocals that is even better than his last universally praised release, “Moorbound.” Supported by Lauren Sarah Hayes, who was like a cross between Laurie Anderson and a crashing computer game, but in a good way, Bartholomew live did the album justice. Augmented by peripatetic cello player Mark Carroll and the angelic vocals of Peony’s Will Rees, for 35 minutes we were transported with Chris on a musical journey of self-discovery and spiritual growth. I can’t recommend “Subterranea” highly enough.

Finally, we’ll end this section where we started it and seem to have spent most of the piece, Glasgow. For the first time in 11 years, since Ben’s 19^th birthday in point of fact, the wondrous sound of The Pastels rolled into town. Two years ago I saw The Vaselines and Jon Langford play a Sunday matinee in The Cumberland that was the hottest gig I’d ever been to. This one was of an equally high temperature, but with added humidity, making it probably the steamiest event I’ve ever been to, and I couldn’t watch the support act as the place was so airless I felt faint. However, we returned for The Pastels and they were fucking brilliant. Quite a lot from “Sow Summits,” which is still contemporary in their eyes I suppose, a brooding, motorik-powered “Baby Honey” and a triumphant set closer of “Different Drum” made this a memorable family day out with the bairn and the ex-wife. Stephen, as ever, was charm personified, so I even popped into Monorail when up in Glasgow last Wednesday to say another thank you, which he graciously accepted. I just wish I’d got my copy of “Suck On,” recently obtained from GW Lang, autographed. And what a compilation that is; two versions of “Baby Honey” no less. Honestly, I only buy good records these days, even if they were released 40 years ago.

 BOOKS:

Without question, the book I’ve enjoyed most since I last culturally blogged is Michael Keenaghan’s latest collection of violent slices of probably true crime in North and East London, “Cocaine Eyes.” Bent coppers, petty thieves, drug dealers, drug users and all manner of life tales of those on the seamiest fringes of the greatest cosmopolitan city in the world, just trying to get by whatever it takes, or they have to take from someone else. The brilliance of Keenaghan’s writing is that he makes every single one of his characters, their stories and the world they live in 100% credible. Each of these pieces could be a film and it always amazes me that none of Michael’s books have yet been optioned for a cinema project. He is undoubtedly the poet laureate of North London and the finest English realistic crime writer on earth. He deserves to be a millionaire.

Probably the toughest book I’ve read since last time, not in terms of complexity of plot of vocabulary but just the sheer difficulty of getting into it, was the recently deceased Dag Solstad’s “Professor Andersen’s Night.” It’s like a Norwegian version of “La Chute” by Camus in many ways, though written in the third person. A reserved, divorced, prosperous middle aged professor of literature, the titular Andersen, is about to have a Christmas Eve meal by himself in his large apartment in the fashionable part of Oslo. Looking out of his window, he sees a man strangle a woman to death in the flat opposite. Instead of calling the Police, Andersen looks on dumbfounded and, inert and introspective, spends the rest of the novel questioning his own moral cowardice in not confronting the situation head on. While in a perpetual fug of moral quandry, he lives his life as normal. He goes to friends’ houses for Festive dinners, flies to Trondheim for a brief skiing holiday at a colleague’s house, then somehow encounters the murderer in a Sushi Bar on New Year’s Eve. At every point he wants to call the Police to report the crime but never does. The murderer goes away to the Far East on business, the Professor returns to work for the next semester, and the victim is unnamed and apparently unreported, so consequently unmourned. A sad and irritating book that is completely out of place with these times but caused much debate when published in the late 70s.

In contrast to the two months it took me to wade through “Professor Andersen’s Night,” I read my Father’s Day present from Ben, “To Hell With Poverty” by Jon King, on the day itself. I was sad not to be able to catch Gang of Four on their farewell tour but devoured King’s account of the rise and demise of the archetypal Leeds-based Rough Trade post-punk agitprop outfit. In minute detail, it tells of their friendship from schooldays, devotion to cricket (Paul Downton was a classmate!), love of music, revolutionary politics and the world they inhabited. Sad to say, but in every band there is one member the rest hate; the fact this was the late Andy Gill should be of no surprise to anyone who followed the band from the brilliance of “Entertainment” in 1979 to the rancid rubbish that was the Gill-dominated “Hard,” before the band initially disintegrated in 1983. On the way, bassist Dave Allen disappears after a drug-induced breakdown and faithful drummer Hugo Burnham is sacked by Gill who reckoned using programmed percussion was the way forward. King is as honest as he is exhaustive in his explanation of events and one can only imagine another volume is forthcoming, telling of the various reformations and reincarnations, with and without original members, leading up to the final incarnation after Gill’s death from COVID, who have just thrown in the towel. The Gang of Four are one of the most important groups in my life and this book does justice to their wonderful legacy. Until 1984 that is.

I bought “Professor Andersen’s Night” after reading Dag Solstad’s obituary in The Guardian. On the same basis, I got hold of “The Man with the Chocolate Egg” by John Noone after reading his obituary in the same paper. Noone was once a highly promising fiction writer, with this his debut novel picking up the Geoffrey Faber Memorial Prize in 1967, who turned away from literary fiction after his second book failed to sell. I have to say, I may well hunt down his other novel, “The Night of Accomplishment,” as the brief, terse, nerve shredding story of a deranged military deserter who kills himself by detonating a hand grenade on a London bus, when such an event seemed a preposterous invention, is a compelling read. I thoroughly enjoyed Noone’s ability to create a world of crazed illogical thinking that seems perfectly rational from the perspective of the main character. I’m delighted to have come across John Noone, though sad that his death was the reason I did so. RIP.

I managed to finally get rid of “Professor Andersen’s Night” by swapping it for John Braine’s “Stay With Me Till Moring” at the Jesmond Vale book swap point. Braine, one of the original angry young men in the mid-50s, with “Room At The Top,” had become one of the complacent middle aged men like contemporaries Amos and Osborne by the time this book was published. This novel is the story of an upper middle-class pair of nouveau riche Tories in the posh bit of North Yorkshire getting bored with the conventions of bourgeois society and jumping into bed with a pair of completely unsuitable bits on the side. The married couple reconcile while the lovers are discarded without a second thought. It’s titillation for those who admired Cecil Parkinson and Jonathan Aitken’s personal lives. I didn’t enjoy it much.

Irvine Welsh has only written one truly terrible book, “The Sex Lives of the Siamese Twins,” though “The Bedroom Secrets of the Master Chefs” isn’t great either. His latest, “Men in Love” isn’t as bad as either of those two, but it is a country mile away from being one of his best. Picking up on the usual Leith Crew after Renton’s betrayal at the end of “Trainspotting,” getting the voices of Sick Boy, Spud, Begbie and Renton back in your head is as comfy as popping your feet into a pair of old slippers that have been warming on the hearth. Relaxing and reassuring but, because we know how life pans out for them from “Porno,” “Dead Man’s Trousers” and several other of Welsh’s books, there’s no sense of tension or a real narrative force to the book. Instead, it reads like a load of well-written vignettes, some of them truly laugh-out-loud episodes, that reinforces the facts that Begbie is a psycho, Sick Boy a bad bastard, Spud an affable loser and Renton a tortured underachiever. Other than that, there’s no real point to this collection of unlucky in love tales. However, I did enjoy catching up with some old mates I guess.

I’d seen huge amounts of praise on-line for Café Royal Books, who specialise in amateur photographers, with a strong focus on social history and reportage. As a result, I got myself a copy of “Punk Rock, New Wave; Newcastle and Middlesbrough, 1977/1978” by Brian Gibson. I have to say I was a little underwhelmed, not by the photographs, which are a fascinating documentary of exactly what the title says it is about, even if I wasn’t at any of the gigs and only recognise a handful of those featured, and even then by sight and not name. It’s the fact it’s only an A5 fanzine, printed on bog standard paper, rather than a glossy, coffee table memento of a long gone era. Sadly, there’s no contextualising introduction or commentary, so it’s basically Brian Gibson’s photo album of what he did 47 years ago. This could have been so much better and that is a comment directed to the publishers, not the artist.

Some Caley Talking

I've been on my travels again, to East Kilbride v Inverness Caledonian Thistle -:

All you, I or anyone else knows about East Kilbride is that it is the home town of James and William Reid. Back in 1984 and probably until after the release of “Sidewalking” in 1988, I would have crawled over broken glass to visit the spiritual home of the Jesus and Mary Chain, to see where they came from and draw in the vibes. Then, other than a cover version of Leonard Cohen’s “Tower of Song” that I’d have played at my funeral, they went all to shit after they got decent amps and almost learned how to play guitar, and I forgot all about them. Of course, the reformation tour to play “Psychocandy” was a highlight of my life, especially dragging a semi-comatose Ben out of his student pit to see them at Leeds O2, but even the offer of a freebie for a freezing cold Sunday night at The Boiler Shop couldn’t move me from my fireside last December. However, watch the video for “Never Understand” or the OGWT performance of “In A Hole” and you’ll know just why they meant so much to so many of us, for such a brief period of time about 40 years ago.

To be honest, East Kilbride only entered my consciousness again after their football team navigated the labyrinth of the Scottish non-league pyramid by firstly winning the Lowland League, for the second year in a row, overcoming the Highland League winners, this time Brora Rangers (now that would have been some trip) for the second year in a row in a two-legged play-off and, having lost to Stranraer in 2024, overcame the 42^nd club (les lanternes rouge de la Ligue écossaise de football professionnel) Bonnyrigg Rose, home of a slope so profound they had points deducted because of it and consequently came last, in yet another two-legged play-off to join the storied ranks of SPFL D2. It meant I needed another trip away.

Having consulted the fixtures, it became clear that while I could easily do East Kilbride on a Saturday day trip, the lack of midweek opportunities to get to Peterhead or Stranraer in the League Cup group stages in July, meant a Tuesday night stopover to see Kilby, as they are affectionately known, was the best plan. Ironically, a week after seeing ICT stroll past Elgin City 2-0, I was again able to see them, as well as their support of four and twenty virgins come down from Inverness. There was also the rumour on-line that the home side ran out to “Just Like Honey,” but that sadly wasn’t the case. Strangely, there was no music played before the game, at half time or at the end. I mean as the Reid brothers never had a good word to say about their upbringing, I’m not surprised.

Unlike every other trip I’ve made to Scotland in 2025, the journey up went like clockwork. Up after a lie-in, to the station in plenty of time and three trains (changing at Waverley and Glasgow Central, after a trip on the scenic Shotts line) all doing their jobs correctly, not to mention a 3 minute walk from East Kilbride station to my hotel, in the EK Conservation area, The Village, on the evocatively named Main Street, meant I was booked in by 5. Good digs as well. Complimentary Tunnocks wafers are always a bonus. Even the shower’s temperature control worked. I headed off down past the usual array of Victorian sandstone shops now transformed into takeaways, tanning salons and Vape emporia, to walk down the side of a couple of very busy A Roads in the direction of Calderglen Country Park, where the evocatively named Ross Financial Services K Park Stadium is located. After you’ve left the concrete and traffic behind on the 40-minute ramble, it’s a really pleasant stroll down a bucolic lane that reminded me of the route into Jesmond Dene from Matthew Bank, other than the presence of a passing coachload of pustular Teuchters singing about how Inverness are “the greatest team the world has even seen.”

East Kilbride Cricket Club were having a net opposite the football, but I didn’t join them or inspect the adjacent rugby field, choosing instead to enter the ground for a remarkably nice filter coffee and a disappointingly beige Scotch pie. I bought a programme, which I couldn’t read as I had my lenses in, then took a seat in the functional, numberless 3 row stand of hard plastic benches down one side of the pitch, which seemed to be at least half full of malodorous, badly attired English groundhoppers. This is why we didn’t hear a peep from the home stand all night I suppose. Instead, the only other populated part of the ground, a covered open terrace, played hosted to the away fans who kept up their singing all game long, despite going a goal down after 15 minutes, when a back post corner was touched home by that old warhorse Trialist. How many clubs has he had in the last 50 years eh? It could have been 2-0 seconds later, when a loose back pass from kick off was seized on by a Kilby forward, whose audacious lob came back off the inside of the post. We had a real game on here.

The ground may have been dull, and not particularly loveable, but this was one of the best games I’ve seen in an age. The home keeper Morrison made about 4 blinding saves but was powerless to stop a great equaliser on 25 minutes when McKay stooped to head home a perfect cross. The game swung from end to end but stayed level until half time. Goodness knows what was said in the changers, but Inverness scored 5 in 15 minutes after the break, so I really did get to see Super Caley Go Ballistic, even if Kilby Weren’t Atrocious. 48 minutes, 1-2, as Allan slid home from a tight angle. 51 minutes, 1-3, with the goal of the game. Longstaff (no, not him. Or his brother) swept home a glorious curling first time finish from the right edge of the box. 54 minutes, 1-4 when McLeod toe poked it between the keeper’s legs from close range. 57 minutes, 1-5 as Longstaff again (ibid) beat the keeper to a hopeful punt forward and teased a sky high chip in off the back post. 61 minutes, 1-6 when Stewart fired a free kick past a statuesque home defence. It could have been worse but for Morrison making an athletic double save to tip a stinging volley just over the bar. After this, an orgy of substitutions took the sting out of the game and only a few were left on the home benches to make a desultory cheer when Robertson’s late free kick nestled in the bottom corner. 8 goals; not bad for an over 60s £10 entry.

At full time, I waved off the four and twenty virgins going back to Inverness, walked down the side of some quieter main roads, negotiated several large roundabouts, passed on the pizzas, kebabs and curry on offer and settled down with a complimentary lemon and ginger infusion to watch the extra time of England v Italy, then slept soundly in the incredibly comfortable bed. Next morning, another warm shower, a disappointing breakfast and a slightly delayed Glasgow to Carlisle train that I’ll be properly compensated for. I got off at Manors not Central and it must be the ropiest station on the whole network, hit the gym, watched Percy Main eviscerate Heaton Stan A and got home to begin planning those visits to Peterhead and Stranraer, as well as a revisit to Queen’s Park at Lesser Hampden.

 

 

 

Inane Prattling

My visit to insolent Inverness versus Elgin City...

I’ve got to say from the get-go that Inverness is a beautiful city, one that was a pleasure to visit for the reason of ticking off my 38^th current Scotch league ground. However, the legendary late 70s teenage punkers The Prats, who were actually from Edinburgh, were completely correct when they said of the place, “scenery is quite good. All the people they are rude,” as I’ve not come across such surly attitudes by staff in the hospitality sector since I was last in Slovakia. From the ten minutes it took me to catch the attention of the bloke on reception at my (very comfortable) guest house before I could check in, to the selective blindness and gruff insolence of the staff at each of the four pubs I visited, bar the last one and he was from Birmingham, I was subject to a haughty contempt that I probably deserved, just for being me.

Anyway, my first groundhopping adventure of 2025/2026 wouldn’t be complete without an element of farce courtesy of LNER, who still haven’t refunded me for the disaster that was my trip to Dingwall at the end of last season. “A faulty level crossing at Morpeth” meant my train arrived in Waverley the usual 20 minutes late, meaning I missed my 11.40 connection to Perth and subsequently Inverness and had to hang around, in the First Class lounge with a complimentary coffee and muffin for company, until the 1.30 service departed. It meant I arrived in Inverness at 5 and not half 3 as intended. No matter, it wasn’t the breathless race to the ground that Ross County v Livingston had been. On the plus side, I amazingly found my guest house without any hassle, suggesting my map reading is getting better. Well, it couldn’t get worse I suppose. After 10 minutes of invisibility at the entrance, I had an attempt at a freezing / scalding shower then, slightly refreshed, walked in the direction of the ground, though not in the nude in case you were wondering. Unlike the historic city centre, the Caledonian Stadium is a flat pack new build, reached by way of several industrial estates that border the River Ness and is snug beside the A82 on its way north to Wick and other such isolated places. It took me about 40 minutes to get there, keeping the water on my right at all times, so as to avoid getting lost. Surprisingly, there weren’t any midges around.

Other than The Prats, Inverness is probably only mentioned memorably in song as part of “The Ball of Kirriemuir,” so brilliantly updated by Aidan Moffat a few years ago. The four and twenty virgins in that song may well have been deflowered at the social event so memorably commemorated by that ballad, but I’d suggest it would be good for the similar number of teenage ultras and snare drums that make up the Inverness Casual Force, behind whom I was sat, if they get a chance to play Kirriemuir Thistle in the cup this year, with a post-match swally in the local Women’s Institute… You hear what I’m saying?

Being serious, Caledonian Stadium is not one you could fall in love with. Situated on the not so bonny banks of Loch Ness,  it only has 3 sides, two of which are identikit flat pack stands, with one shut and the other a third full of about 200 hardy zealots from Elgin. I was in the main stand, which was comfortable enough, sold moderate Steak pies and warm Pepsi Max for an exorbitant price and looks like a scale model of Chelsea’s East Stand, with a menacing cantilever structure overhanging most of the pitch. The crowd was 1,296, including holidaying Americans and Germans, out for a bit of local culture and colour and the vast majority were more than happy with the 2-0 win for the home side, that could have been 6 or 7, were it not for profligate finishing and desperate defending, though Elgin hit the post with a long range screamer and missed a simple 1 on 1 late on. The two goals came just after the half hour from McKay and Longstaff (no, not that one and no, not his brother either). The first was an astute tap-in after a goalmouth scramble and the second a well timed effort after an impressive move down the left. Inverness are no great shakes (their centre backs were terrible), but Elgin looked more than a division below the hosts.

Come full time, the ICF packed up their flags, put their sweetie wrappers in the bin and filed out in an orderly fashion. I caught a single decker football special back to the City Centre, having already completed 15k steps in the day, then drank Tennents in a few pubs. One of whom had a bladdered folk singer on, who kept forgetting the words to “All Along the Watchtower,” to the extent that 2 riders were approaching for 3 verses in a row. Come the witching hour, I drank up and soon fell soundly asleep in my single bed after watching a BBC News Special about those clowns whose chainsaws left a sizeable Sycamore Gap.

Next morning, I had breakfast at Tescos, courtesy of a couple of pretzels and a big bottle of water, then caught the train at Inverness’s incredibly chaotic station and snoozed to Waverley, changed, got the 75% empty LNER to Newcastle, ran slap bang into former MP Ian Mearns at Monument, then got the bus home, arriving the same time as if I’d been to work. Next week, it’s Inverness again, only this time they’re away to newcomers East Kilbride. Once the cricket season is over and Percy Main’s autumn schedule is confirmed, we’ll cast our minds towards Stranraer, Peterhead and Queen’s Park again, now they are at Little Hampden. The fun never stops round here, I’m telling you.

Freak Zine

TQ75b landed on my doormat this week. It includes an incredibly generous review of Scratch & Reflect Ensemble's performance at Dunston Staithes, as well as this article I wrote about my experiences of fanzine culture over the past 35 or so years...

I think I first heard the term fanzine in early summer 1977. To be accurate, I actually read the word in Sounds, which was my weekly of choice back then, rather than it coming out of someone’s mouth. No doubt it was used in relation to some DIY publication that had sprung from the burgeoning punk scene, where samizdat periodicals such as the epochal Sniffin’ Glue acted as the printed lantern bearers for this allegedly revolutionary musical movement. Of course, in retrospect, almost all of the bands who released music this side of the Atlantic in the cultural stunde null, characterised by safety pins and spitting, apart from the still vibrant Wire and admirable Buzzcocks, were bombastic tub-thumping pub rock pretenders like The Damned and The Clash who (Mick Jones’s contributions apart), I have always given a wide berth to. The less said about, for instance, The Cortinas, Chelsea, The Cockney Rejects, The Models and a thousand similar lame Oi! Oi! Oi! macho meatheads the better, despite Sounds (in particular the demotic Garry Bushell) venerating them.

While John Peel remained the sole source for radio exposure off all kinds of new music, regardless of validity, seeing scholarly written debate about bands I was unfamiliar with, was possible by browsing the stock of either in Virgin Records, which had recently opened in Eldon Square, or Listen Ear on Ridley Place (it became Volume in 1981), both of which had racks of dog-eared independent inkies you could read the covers off and nobody much minded that you didn’t buy them. In fact, living off pocket money and a paper lad’s wages, they were simply unaffordable if you wanted to buy records as well. Digesting the likes of the prohibitively expensive Creem, Rolling Stone, Trouser Press and Village Voice, exposed me to incredibly articulate pieces, not only about punk and afterwards but much good stuff that had gone before, by such journalistic Gods as Lester Bangs, Greil Marcus and Robert Christgau. Hence, I became aware that musical criticism diverged markedly between writers in the US and the UK. Admittedly Zig Zag was a thoughtful read, but most of the A5 English fanzines featured amateur doctoring of photos of the likes of Mary Whitehouse, Elizabeth Windsor, Hughie Green and Des O’Connor, with safety pins superimposed through their heads, alongside gig reviews based on how much cider the correspondent had imbibed and crass exhortations to buy Sham 69 or Lurkers 7” singles. This era left me cold.

Of far more interest to me was the music and the attendant cultural scene that began to appear from 1978 onwards, involving the likes of Gang of Four, The Mekons, The Raincoats, Delta 5, The Au Pairs, Clock DVA, Scritti Politti, This Heat, Cabaret Voltaire and a dozen other acts who took, as I discovered, their inspiration more from Can, Neu and Kraftwerk than Kursaal Flyers or Ducks Deluxe. These acts also had an ideological basis to their practice, often based on Marxism, Situationism and Dadaism, rather than scattergun nihilism or boorish hedonism. As you can imagine, this was right up my street, and these sounds still float my boat to this day. I changed from Sounds to NME, which I stuck with until I turned 30, and voraciously consumed dozens of indie magazines, mentioned in the small ads section in the back pages of NME. In a sense, buying words and music in this fashion was like drinking Real Ale; among the glorious successes, there were some fairly unpalatable disasters, but at least when you bought small press publications, you were sticking it to the man and staying away from the mainstream.

I first contributed gig and record reviews to various, long-forgotten fanzines in late 1979 and continued to do so until I got to university in 1983, when my horizons broadened, deadlines tightened, and briefs lengthened as the chance to write columns about politics, sport and books in a more nuanced publication were offered to me. I’m not name-dropping, but my first editor at Leeds Student was Jay Rayner, current Guardian and Observer food hack and son of Clare, the infamous agony aunt. He gave me free rein to explore complex, indeed arcane ideological concepts in live reviews of the likes of The Fall, Misty in Roots and Don Cherry.  

After graduation and back on Tyneside, I continued writing about music and books for regional monthly magazines such as Paint It Red, Boiling Point and The Crack, until the late 90s when printed publications stopped being a regular feature on the Tyneside scene, after the internet and the subsequent ubiquity of social media urinated on William Caxton’s grave, in becoming the accepted mode of spreading (mis)information. Admittedly, the latter publication is still going, though I’ve not read it in years, nor have I sought to contribute to it or narc.

However, from the late 80s until the present day, I found a whole new zine scene that took my standard of writing and volume of contributions, to a whole new level. It was only tangentially related to music in the sense that probably the first football fanzine in Britain was the general Scottish one, The Absolute Game (named after a Skids song), while south of the border, and still producing a monthly issue to this day, When Saturday Comes, its title taken from a track by The Undertones, sought to cover not just English football, but the whole global game. Like music zines, these were irreverent, independent, authentic voices, from the terraces rather than the mosh pit admittedly, but dogmatic, independent and uncompromising in their honesty. I bought the debut issue of Newcastle United’s The Mag on the way to an opening day 2-2 draw with Spurs in August 1988 then, inspired by both concept and content, wrote for every issue from 2-178 until it closed down a decade ago. Similarly, when travelling to away games, I hunted down opposition fanzines and later contributed articles to most of them about my experiences of away travel or players who had moved between clubs. I must have written for nigh on 100 different periodicals; some still exist, others only produced a couple of issues. I even edited my own Newcastle United fanzine, The Popular Side, for 15 issues. We were resolutely old school; A5, no adverts, no colour, no website, no merchandise and only £1 an issue, with anyone welcome to contribute. I loved doing it but selling it outside a freezing pub on a January evening in a gale isn’t the best way to prepare for a game. That, and having to write half the copy myself, was a reason to wind it down. Energy can only get you so far. What any editor needs is a good, strong stock of reliable supporting players.

I still write for a couple of fanzines (View from the Allotment End for North Ferriby and Mudhutter for Wigan Athletic), but the internet has largely destroyed the football fanzine movement. Indeed, many club don’t even publish a programme. Percy Main Amateurs do and I’m the editor. Like the Windmill Theatre, we will never close. I’ve written a book about the club; Village Voice. Anyone who fancies a free copy, just drop me a line.

While I’ve always regretted the fact that fanzines never caught on with my real sporting love, cricket, my other style of writing, namely short fiction and poetry, has been well catered for over the years by the litzine movement. I’ve got a magazine called Iconlatre, published in West Hartlepool back in 1965 or thereabouts, which includes a couple of Charles Bukowski poems. Now what are the chances of that? You may remember a few years ago that TQ came with a free literary zine, glove, which I edited. Sadly, after 10 issues I wound the publication down as I was struggling for a high enough quality of contribution and anywhere to sell it, other than online. From my experience, both football and free verse independent publications have only a short shelf life, unless you are part of an enthusiastic cohort producing the magazine. It isn’t all gloom though; publications such as Spinners and Tangled Lines, both from Kent, and Falkirk’s Razur Cuts act as conduits for modern, experimental writing in the genres of both prose and poetry. I am delighted to regularly feature in all 3.

So, what about TQ? Being candid, I love this magazine, and the arrival of each new issue makes my heart swell with joy when it lands on the doormat. The simple truth is this: other than The Wire, TQ is the only publication catering for those of us who wish to familiarise ourselves with the experimental, non-commercial and often improvised, underground music scene. Whether this consists of the pastoral, found sounds, ambient electronica, drone, grinding feedback or disturbing power electronics, a combination of all of these genres and sub-genres or none of them, matters little. What unites us all is purity of expression, honest of purpose and artistic integrity, whether in sound, word, artwork or deeds. Unlike The Wire, which is scholarly to the point of academe and informative verging on the encyclopaedic, TQ is resolutely amateur, totally enthusiastic, highly supportive of all artists, and always ready to embrace the new. New writers. New sounds. New venues. All of these are welcome in TQ.

I believe I’ve known Andy for about 4 years now and every conversation I’d had with him has taught me something fresh and vibrant, allowing me to come away an improved human being. His publication does that as well. TQ is the living embodiment of the fanzine ideal; 60s idealism meets 70s radicalism with contemporary enthusiasm for the experimental. Long may it continue.

Anyone who is interested swapping zines or anecdotes, get in touch via iancusack@blueyonder.co.uk

 

Concessionary Membership

My first cricket blog of the season with Tynemouth CC. Spoiler, includes excessively detailed accounts of my one innings (6) and one bowling spell (1/7)

April 19^th:

The opening weekend of the season saw Tynemouth CC win one game and lose two others. "A tough day at the office" were first team skipper Martin Pollard’s words after reflecting upon a disappointing start to the 2025 NEPL season, losing at home to Felling (230/7) by 55 runs, with the home side’s reply reaching a respectable 175/8. According to Pollard, "the use of the new ball in both innings was key. Bish ran in with great enthusiasm, but he admitted to feeling quite shocked at how cold he was, playing in his first game in England.” Tynemouth’s debutant pro struggled to find a good length although he was unlucky with a dropped catch off his bowling early doors which would have helped him settle. However, he ran in with enthusiasm and there will be much better days ahead for him.

Felling posted 230-7 off their 45 with the standout bowler being Fred Harrison (3/31), who was ably supported by Faisan Ghumman (2/31) and Dan McGee (1/38). In reply, Felling's bowled straight and full. "We got off to a slow start and lost wickets. Later, the ball softened, and Barry Stewart and Dan McGeee steadied the ship,” added Pollard. Stewart's 36 and McGhee's 50 were also backed up with an 8th wicket partnership from Jack Roys (16*) on debut and Bish (32*) whacked a few big ones, which would have cheered him up a bit.

The 2s travelled to the Village Ground in Whitburn and after winning the toss inserted the home side on what was described by team skipper Andrew Smith as "sporty!" The visitors got off to the best of starts with a wicket with the very first ball of the game by George Stewart, held by keeper Chris Fairley. This was to be the first of 5 for both as Stewart Junior ended up with 5 wickets for 25 runs and Fairley ended up with 5 catches. George was backed up by Neil Bennett with 3 for 8, as Whitburn were all out for 73.

Tynemouth's reply in some ways mirrored that of their hosts as they were 0 runs for 2 wickets when Paddy Hallam joined George Stewart at the crease. Captain Smith said, "George batted very sensibly while Paddy counterattacked, and the pair took the game away from the hosts in what should have been a routine run chase". Paddy departed for 27 with the score on 34-3 but no-longer interim Chair Andrew Lineham steadied the chase with 16* and George ended an excellent game for him with 24*.

The 3s fielded a very young side at home to South North, with only 3 of the team old enough to shave, but they stuck to their task well. A first senior cricket 5 wicket haul for Ollie Hiscott (5-24), ably supported by Noah Rae (4-17), including one blinding catch at square leg by the unretired ian cusack, restricted South North to 199 all out, which represented a great effort from all involved, who were captained superbly by Alosh Jose. Unfortunately, in reply we could only muster 73. Special mention goes to the Harlands; son Ben (19) was top scorer and dad Richard (10), played his part. There was also a glorious cameo by cusack, unaccountably promoted up the order, who contributed a pugnacious 6 and was left in the unique position of walking off the field by himself after his dismissal, rather than with all the other players.

Next week the 1s look to bounce back against Burnopfield Cricket Club, while the 2s hope to keep their momentum going at home to Gateshead Fell Cricket Club. The 3s will need to put out a more experienced side, one thinks, against Leadgate. Thankfully cusack is unavailable, choosing instead to take in Rangers v Hearts. For the avoidance of doubt, that is Cove Rangers against Kelty Hearts.

After thoughtful deliberation the cricket committee have come to a unanimous decision on this week's Player of The Week. Honourable mentions go to Dan McGee (1-38 and 50 runs) and Oliver Hiscott’s 5 wicket haul for the 3s. This week's winner is George Stewart with 5 wickets for 25 runs and 24* for the 2nds in their win against Whitburn. Well done George, who has also been selected for Durham Academy against Yorkshire Academy at Richmond CC.

Finally, Northumberland Women’s team began their Tier 3 campaign with a 6 wicket win over Herefordshire on Sunday, with our own Emily Whiting scoring an excellent 71* in the chase.

After the hip injury I picked up at Greenside on 17 August last year, I was adamant that I had retired. For a start, I limped for a couple of months and simply couldn’t use the treadmill at the gym until January. However, attending the club AGM brought it all back and, having been elected unopposed to write the weekly reports, I had a serious chat with Richy Hay. The compromise was I’d pay for Vice Patron membership (£60) and play when there was a crisis. Starting the season on Easter Saturday meant there was a crisis from the very beginning and so I put my name forward. The only problem was, we had a table booked for 7.30 for Chloe’s 21^st, so I had to spend a fortune on Ubers to tick all the required boxes, which meant I’d have to bat at 7, which was an astonishing turn of events. The week before I’d been to the opticians and discovered I needed a stronger lens for my right eye (as well as varifocal bins, but we’ll not mention those). Actually, it helped me see the ball, which is presumably why I held on to a well struck shot that was straight at me. I was able to follow the flight of the ball. Not only that, but I faced about 30 balls, partook in a partnership of 18 and astonishingly scored 6 runs. All singles. All on the posh side. Goodness, I loved being back out there and when the death rattle finally came after I’d missed a straight one, I shook hands with the bowler and nicked off early. I’ve never done that before and I’ll never do it again.  Leave early I mean. I’m intending to get my highest ever score this season, if selected. Three times I’ve made 6. Time to raise the bar.

 April 26^th:

The second Saturday of the season was a case of Groundhog Day as Tynemouth Cricket Club exactly replicated the results of the first weekend of the season, with the senior teams securing one win from 3 again.

The first XI lost away to Burnopfield Cricket Club, about which result Skipper Martin Pollard commented: "It was always going to be a tough assignment against a strong Burnopfield team. Sounds a bit odd to say after going for 300, but the bowling and fielding effort was excellent. Good to see Bish Konthoujam looking more at home this week, while Barry Stewart and Dan McGee also bowled well.”

Burnopfield posted 300/4 from their 45 overs, Bish was the pick of the bowlers who at one stage had bowled 5 overs for 5 runs but did not have much luck.  Burnopfield’s innings was anchored by John Oswell’s aggressive 157. Martin went on to say “John Oswell is a destructive player, scoring 120 of his 150 odd in boundaries alone. We're not the first team to find him tough to bowl at, and especially so with a wind assisted, short boundary on a flat wicket, and we kept going. At half time the visitors knew 300 was a tough ask but were upbeat and determined. “I was probably a bit more disappointed with the batting effort; 300 is a lot to get of course, but we felt it was doable at half time. But with a few too many soft dismissals, and people getting in but not going on to get big scores, we fell short.” Matthew Brown was the top scorer with 45, but Tynemouth lost by 122 runs. “I definitely think we could have made a better fist of it, and certainly got a lot closer, and that's an area to improve on in the weeks ahead.”

There was some better news as regards the 2s, who made it 2 from 2 with a win against Gateshead Fell Cricket Club 2nd Xl. Captain Andrew Smith said: “it’s been a great to start the season with two wins out of two and we move onto a tough fixture with Newcastle next week with confidence.”  After having to move to a different wicket amid fears of the original one being too close to the pavilion Andrew remarked, “we were not at our best with the new ball, but Hay and Stewart managed a wicket a piece.” The introduction of spin was key to dragging the game back in Tynemouth’s favour. Smith returned 3-16 off 9 and Andrew Davison bowled well (6-26-0), before Koen and Bennett returned to emphatically clean up the tail.

Fairley and Stewart, with an excellent opening partnership of 96, set the platform for the chase. Smith and Stewart took Tynemouth within 28 of target with 12 overs to spare before both fell in quick succession and a mini collapse ensued. “We scrambled home in the end for what was a far less comfortable win than it should have been.” Top scorer was George Stewart with a match winning 82.

Another very young 3s team stuck to the task well at Leadgate Cricket Club. Batting first Tynemouth posted 167-7 from their allotted 40 overs, which saw them claim full batting points. The mainstay of the innings was a fine 90 from Anthony Turner. Leadgate chased this down for the loss of 3 wickets, 1 apiece for Emily Whiting, Dan Storey and Noah Rae.

Next week the 1s are at home and the 2s are away both against Newcastle Cricket Club. The 3s are home to Monkseaton in the local “El Coastico” derby.

The Academy, or Sunday 3s, started their programme on 27^th April away to B(o)urnmoor. Having restricted the home side to 208/7 from 35 overs, with Noah Rae (4/37) continuing his outstanding form with the ball, Tynemouth fell agonisingly short, closing on 182, with Rae adding an excellent 16*, though this was behind stellar efforts from Patrick Hallam (60) and the ubiquitous George Stewart (36).

I wasn’t around this week, having already booked a trip to Cove Rangers v Kelty Hearts. A decent, if functional ground, while the same could be said of the 2-2 draw that I blogged about here -: https://payaso-de-mierda.blogspot.com/2025/04/hearty-celts.html

May 3^rd:

The third weekend of the 2025 season saw a couple of excellent wins for Tynemouth Cricket Club, including one incredible individual performance that will be talked about for years to come, of which more later. Suffice to say, the Player of the Week accolade has been claimed by the same precocious talent yet again.

Firstly, Tynemouth CC first XI absolutely decimated Newcastle at Preston Avenue on Saturday. Batting first, the home side amassed an awesome 295 all out from their 45 overs. The top scorer was Matty Brown (81), with other excellent contributions from Robbie Bowman (62) and both openers; Matthew Kimmitt (34) and Ben Debenham (27), while Freddy Harrison contributed a useful 21. Newcastle were dismissed for 167 in 37.2 overs, leaving the home side victorious by a thumping 128 runs. Star performer with the ball was pro Bishworjit Konthoujam (6.2-1-15-4), who really kickstarted his Croons career in style. However, he was backed up by his colleagues in impressive fashion; Barry Stewart (2/21), Matty Brown (2/31) and a typically parsimonious skipper’s performance by Martin Pollard (7-2-16-1), all helped to make in a superb day in the sun at Preston Avenue.

In the reverse fixture, Tynemouth 2s lost out by 21 runs. Bowling first, they saw Newcastle 2s post 215/8, with skipper Andrew Smith (2/28), Neil Bennett (2/42) and Andrew Davison (2/52) all returning useful spells. With the bat, Tynemouth 2s made 194 all out, with Zack Larner (50) top scoring and Patrick Hallam (41) leading the way. Sadly, they just fell short.

The Saturday 3s, again with a scratch, greenhorn selection lost the local derby against Monkseaton first team. The visitors batted first, posting an imposing 215/4, with Lewis Gault (2/28) the pick of the bowlers. Gault (28) was also the best of the batters, though praise must also go to young Will Bogg (12) and the rapidly maturing Adam Blake (10) for helping the team achieve a batting point for their 84 all out. Stick at it, young’uns and not so young’uns, better days lie ahead.

Sunday saw the NEPL 3s record a 39 run victory over Ashington Academy. Batting first, Tynemouth made 235/5, with George Stewart (180*) contributing an incredible knock, hitting 5 maximums and 23 boundaries from 125 balls. Ashington made a good fist of their reply, eventually ending on 194, with Dan Watt claiming 2 wickets. Well done to all who played, but especial praise to George for a fabulous innings.

Again, I wasn’t at this one, having decided to do a reverse Balderstone and see the football season out with Percy Main. In our last game of 2024/2025, we lost unluckily at home, 2-1 to Wallington, which meant we finished rock bottom of the Northern Alliance Premier Division. Oh well; the promotion drive starts now…

May 10^th:

A disappointing weekend for Tynemouth CC saw only one of the four senior sides claiming victory, as the performances failed to match the glorious weather. Tynemouth CC first XI lost at home to Castle Eden by 48 runs. The visitors batted first and posted 234/9 from their 45 overs. Tynemouth in reply managed 186 all out from 43.2 overs. Unfortunately, with no scorecards available on line, that is all I am able to say about the game as I wasn’t present.

The 2s made the reverse journey to Parklands and fared somewhat better, winning a close game by 13 runs. Batting first, Tynemouth were indebted to skipper Andrew Smith’s 30, especially as he came in at the top of the order. After his dismissal, Andrew Lineham (54) and Patrick Hallam (46) made significant contributions that were built on by an unbroken 43-run partnership by Andrew Davison (23*) and Josh Koen (21*), which saw Tynemouth close on 213-6. In response, Castle Eden were dismissed for exactly 200, with Smith (9-1-25-3) excellent again and ably supported by Lewis Hurst (5-1-9-3), while others were slightly less economical with their bowling.

The Saturday 3s had played their Dr Tom Barlow Memorial Cup tie on the main pitch at Preston Avenue on Thursday, losing to Blagdon Park 2s by 24 runs. Blagdon Park made 167-5, with Noah Rae (4-30) singlehandedly defying their batters. In response, Anthony Turner (62) and Paul Hurst (51*) showed age and guile always wins out over youth, innocence and a bad haircut, taking Tynemouth to an impressive 143-3 from their 20 overs. On Saturday, they played an away fixture against the Civil Service. While the HMRC and DWP are moving from their NE12 bases in Tyne View Park and Benton Park View to custom-built offices in the city centre in the next couple of years, their cricket side have gone further afield. With Heaton Medicals unavailable, the location of Norton was the destination for Saturday’s game. Batting first, Tynemouth made 124, with Richard Harland (20) and Alosh Jose (18) the pic of the batters. Sadly, Civil Service knocked off the required runs in 23 overs for the loss of only one wicket.

The Sunday 3s had returned for a Banks Cup tie to Ashington, scene of George Stewart’s fabulous 180*, which has been confirmed as the highest individual score by any Tynemouth player in the digital era, on Tuesday. They won again, by 24 runs, and George helped himself to another half century. Zach Larner (39) and Marcus Turner (22) also helped to post a highly competitive 151-4 from 20 overs. In response, Ashington were all out 127, with Archie Goel (4-30), Patrick Hallam (2-15) and that lad Stewart (2-18) doing the damage. Sadly, on Sunday they lost by 1 wicket away to Sunderland. Great knocks by Will Bogg (42), Ollie Hiscott (30), Sean Aditjandra (29), Finn Larner (24) and Ben Harland (23), forming part of a total of 163-8 just weren’t enough to get Tynemouth over the line.

Hopefully better luck next week for all players and more of a round-up of the 1s game in this report.

This week I was rehearsing with the Scratch & Reflect Orchestra, which precluded me from any away travel with either the 1s or the 3s. Instead, as John was over from Ireland for the Chelsea game, we took in the last game of the Northern Alliance season; West Moor and Jesmond 3 Wallington 3. Bloody good fun it was too.

May 17^th:

Unfortunately, the weekend of May 16^th to 18^th provided very little positive news for Tynemouth Cricket Club. Things began brightly enough with the first XI successful in their Friday night visit to Whitburn in the NEPL T20 group stages. Batting first, Tynemouth posted an impressive 182-4, with notable contributions from Robbie Bowman (63), Matt Kimmitt (39) and an unbeaten father and son partnership from the Stewarts. Dad Barry was 20* and son George 27*. In reply, Whitburn reached 148-8, with star bowling performances by Richard Stanyon (3-29) and Andrew Smith (3-37). Sadly, this encouraging form could not be transferred over until the Saturday, as hosts Chester le Street squeaked home by 2 wickets with 2 balls to spare. Batting first, Tynemouth amassed 198-5 from their 45 overs, with the star performers being Kimmitt (64) and Stan MacAlinden (50). In reply, Chester le Street thwarted the best efforts of Smith (3-44), Bishworjit Konthoujam (2-26) and Stewart senior (2-32) to frustratingly edge a tight, competitive match.

Sadly, the 2s home reverse at the hands of Chester le Street’s 2 was a less than competitive affair. Batting first, the visitors cracked 330-4 from their 45 overs, though credit should go to Patrick Hallam (2-43) for a determined effort with the ball. In reply, the home side made 200-6 in their 45 overs. Steady progress not being enough to overhaul such a difficult target. Full marks to Marcus Turner (71) and Josh Koen (67) for giving it their best shot.

The Saturday 3s had their game delayed by a day because of pitch availability issues and had the chance to play on the front pitch. It proved a mixed blessing, as a rampant Newcastle 3s piled up a daunting 399-1 from their 40 overs. In reply, Tynemouth 3s used up 37 overs and collected full batting points, being dismissed for 165. Plaudits go to George Bogg (60) for an innings that anchored the team’s efforts, with some good support from Cameron Donachie (18), Arthur King (14) and Adam Blake (12*). These young lads deserve all our thanks and support for turning out, sometimes twice in a day, and representing the club with such distinction against almost insurmountable odds. Let’s hope for brighter days ahead.

A final rehearsal for our Scratch & Reflect Ensemble before our live performance (which I blogged about here -: https://payaso-de-mierda.blogspot.com/2025/06/cusack-serves-imperialism.html ) saw me return from Bensham to a seat on the sofa for the FA Cup final. Sadly, my services weren’t required for the 3s which, bearing in mind the result, was probably just as well.

May 24^th:

The week of Saturday 24^th May began for Tynemouth CC first XI with a Tyneside Charity Bowl round 1 tie away to Bates Cottages on the Wednesday. Batting first, Tynemouth compiled 120-8, which was almost entirely due to Indian professional Bishworjit Konthoujam hitting 70. The next highest scorer was Joe Snowdon (13). However, this proved to be enough as Konthoujam proved to be as effective with the ball (3-2-3-3) as he did with the bat, though top marks in the field go to Andrew Smith, whose excellent spell of 5-0-27-5 proved to be the difference between the sides. In the next round, Tynemouth will be away to Bedlington on Wednesday 11^th June.

On Friday night, the first team were in action again. This time, away to Newcastle in an NEPL T20 group match. Having both won their opening fixtures against Whitburn and Gateshead Fell, it was widely assumed that this would be the decisive group game in terms of who went through to the quarter finals. In front of a large crowd of Pimms quaffing, boisterous varsity types, Tynemouth batted first and were dismissed for 131 in 18.5 overs, which seemed perhaps 20 too few on the generally glorious Jesmond wicket. Notable contributions came from Matt Kimmitt (30), the seemingly unretired Phil Morse (29) and captain Robbie Bowman, whose 21 included 3 splendid 6s into the graveyard. Any doubts as to the vulnerability of the total were swept away by an excellent performance in the field that saw Newcastle skittled for 108, with the bronzed Adonis Matty Brown (3.5-0-25-3), who also took four catches including a caught and bowled, leading the way, supported by an excellent spell from Konthoujam (3-1-7-2). If Tynemouth beat Gateshead Fell at Preston Avenue on Friday 30^th May, their progress to the next round will be assured.

Saturday’s NEPL fixture away to the perennially impressive B(o)urnmoor proved to be a more exacting test of Tynemouth’s batting credentials. Batting first for the third time in a week, this time was definitely a case of not getting enough runs on the board, though it must be said in the face of consistent bowling and excellent fielding that made scoring runs an arduous task on the daisy friendly, pastoral outfield. On a day notably missing the tang of anthracite from adjacent home fires burning, Tynemouth amassed 160/9 from 45 overs. Things began promisingly, if slowly, with Faizan Ghumman (34) and Stan MacAlindon (24) providing a solid foundation with an opening partnership of 60. Sadly, subsequently only Matty Brown (29) showed any inclination to get on top of the bowlers. A word of praise to for 14-year-old George Stewart (15*) who made a useful contribution at the end of the innings.

In reply, B(o)urnmoor eventually made it home by 4 wickets with almost 14 spare overs, though it wasn’t a cakewalk for them. Bish, as we’ll call him from now on in these missives, bowled beautifully in his opening spell, taking the first two wickets to fall, and eventually returning figures of 9-1-27-2. Unfortunately, Tynemouth were not able to build on this promising opening and a partnership of 90 between Pringle (56) and Greenwell (55) took the game away from Tynemouth, though Matty Brown provided a sting in the tail, taking the last 4 wickets to fall, though sadly it wasn’t enough to give Tynemouth anything other than consolation bowling points. Next week, we are away for the third weekend in a row; this time to Ashington, in the returning of win / draw / lose cricket in white clothing.

Unavailability bedevilled the club this weekend, with 37 players opting out of playing. As a result the Saturday 3s were forced to concede to Belsay. The 2s fielded a much changed team at home to Tynedale and lost by 7 wickets to Tynedale. Batting first, the home side could only make 136, with Marcus Turner (45) and Andrew Linehan (20) doing most of the scoring. In response, Tynedale knocked the required runs off in under 28 overs. Let’s hope for a better availability across the club for next week. Finally, the Sunday 3s lost by 40 runs to their counterparts from Burnopfield, who batted first and made 216. In reply Tynemouth were 176 all out.

Finally, after 4 weeks away from my beloved club, I got back in the thick of it. Not on a playing side, as the Saturday 3s conceded against Belsay. To be honest, with over 40 players unavailable, it would have been me alone against them. Seriously. Equally seriously, I was almost called up for the 2s, but not being NEPL registered meant I couldn’t be used. I did, however, have a bloody great Friday night at Jesmond, watching a superb performance in the T20. Saturday saw us well and truly beaten by an excellent B(o)urnmoor side, but it was still great to be back amongst as part of the TCC Ultras with Brian, Di, Hallaz, Liz, Peter and Vince, as well as Sean, who came fresh from training. He wisely avoided the clubhouse where a load of raucous Mackems were celebrating their unexpected play-off victory.

May 31^st:

The last weekend in May was something of a curate’s egg for Tynemouth Cricket Club. Starting off on the Friday night, the first XI for the crucial NEPL T20 group match against Gateshead Fell was not the strongest side the club could have selected by a long chalk, but it was the strongest available. Sadly, they proved no match for the visitors from the division below, who secured a rather too comfortable 9 wicket win, which has eliminated Tynemouth from the competition. Batting first, in front of a large crowd on a gloriously sunny evening, Tynemouth subsided to 99 all out from their 20 overs. Gateshead Fell reached 102/1 from 14.2 overs, completing a comprehensive thrashing on the way.

 

Following such a mauling, the away fixture at Ashington, the first to be played over 110 overs, in white clothing and in the win / draw / lose format, was one to be approached with trepidation. The forecast glorious weather didn’t quite show up. Temperatures were warm and the atmosphere humid, though the day remained overcast with a strong breeze gusting across the ground. The home side batted first and made a steady start through Jacks Jessop and McCarthy. It was a pleasure to finally see Stan McAlindon bowl an extended spell for the club, sending down 10 overs for 46. Hopefully we’ll see more of him in future. Ashington’s score was anchored by Ben Harmison (73), but the Colliers were never fully in control. Bish (15-4-49-2) bowled beautifully as ever, while Matty Brown (7-1-38-1) took the prime scalp of the pro Avishka Perera for a single. The experienced off spin of skipper Martin Pollard (15-2-44-3) and his dauphin Andrew Smith (7-0-33-2) were key reasons why Ashington made only 220-8 from 54 before declaring.

This was a very enticing total and, despite losing Ben Debnam early to a snick to slip, Faizan Ghumann (56), before he ran himself out, and McAlindon (74*) made a convincing effort at taking the game away from Ashington. This job was completed by Brown (86*) who smashed the ball to all parts of Langwell Crescent, ensuring that Tynemouth came home by 8 wickets with 4 overs to spare and that your correspondent was able to make an earlier train from the adjacent reopened Ashington Station. This was an excellent all round performance. We batted, bowled and fielded well. Spare a thought though for Kimmitt senior, who travelled up from Derbyshire to see his sone get a first baller on Friday night and not be required to bat on Saturday.

Meanwhile, the curse of unavailability bedevilled both the 2s and the 3s. The latter were forced to concede for the second successive week, as only 8 hardy souls were prepared to play. The main cause of this, as well as unavailability, was a spate of injuries that had caused several promotions. Hence the 2s were not at their strongest, being dismissed for 65 and then seeing Ashington knock off the runs required for the loss of 2 wickets, taken by Lewis Hurst and Rohan George.

The Sunday 3s had a good win. Batting first against Felling they made 155/7, with Ben Harland (57) and Finn Larner (42) sparkling with the bat. In reply, Felling were skittled for 83, mainly thanks to an impressive 4/13 by George Stewart.

Performance wise, the T20 against Gateshead Fell was bloody awful, with unavailability ruining our chances of qualifying for the quarter finals. Even worse news was of the effects of injuries meaning we only had 9 for the Saturday 3s, so another concession it was. At least I got up to see the 1s score a great win over Ashington, with Steve Harmison and Mark Wood as interested on-lookers, before finally taking a train to town from the station opposite the ground. A much better day than it could have been.

June 7^th:

Saturday 7^th June proved to be an eminently frustrating one, as all 3 Tynemouth senior sides had potential victories wrested from them by the intervention of heavy rain. Although not of the forecast Biblical variety that had threatened an absolute wash-out of all cricket, the rain was an intermittently persistent irritant that caused anguish at all levels. Immediately, we must pay thanks to Paul Jackson who did an astonishing job to get the game on, assisted by players and spectators who all lent a hand.

Tynemouth first XI played host to bottom of the table Sunderland and harboured hopes of a positive result. Certainly this game saw an upturn in fortunes for Matt Kimmitt (61), who enjoyed a fruitful knock, free from the inhibiting presence of quizzical family onlookers. Kimmitt top scored in a Tynemouth total of 161/5 declared from 30.2 overs. The effect of a rain break had reduced the game from 110 to 73 overs, which encouraged captain Martin Pollard to make such a positive move. Firstly, it took the possibility of a losing draw out of the equation for the home side and was generous enough to encourage attacking playing from the visitors, while giving Tynemouth the maximum possible time to take the wickets required for victory. Initially, it seemed as if Tynemouth were on course for a routine win as Sunderland slipped to 27/3, including a duck for the returning Shamsur Oraikhil. However, a dogged counterattacking knock by stalwart Greg Applegarth (68) and a supporting one from Sam Baldwin (48) saw Sunderland seemingly on course for an unlikely victory, until both fell and a flurry of wickets saw Sunderland end their innings on 140/7. Notable bowling performances included Bish (3/21), Sean Longstaff (2/43) and wickets for both Matt Brown and the skipper.

The 2s had a Wearside double header this weekend. On Friday night, the travelled to Whitburn for what was a combined delayed 2024 final of the Roseworth Trophy and the first round of the 2025 competition. Tynemouth prevailed at this most charming of grounds, by a margin of 7 wickets. The home side batted first and made 144/8 from their 20 overs, with Andrew Smith (3/21), the returning happy wanderer Dan McGhee (2/11) and George Stewart (2/28) playing significant roles in making the target a reasonable one. Indeed the runs were knocked off with a couple of overs to spare, courtesy of a great opening partnership of 75 by Stewart (56) and McGhee (35), with excellent supporting knock by Zach Larner (30*).

On Saturday, the 2s travelled to Ashbrooke for the reverse fixture against Sunderland, but the cursed heavy rain forced a curtailment of proceedings with the home side 107/7 after 37 overs. Plaudits go to Andrew Davison (2/14) and Birthday Boy Richard Hay (2/34) in what was an ultimately frustrating afternoon.

Frustration verging on anguish would be the best way to describe the feelings of the Saturday 3s. Elated to get a full team out, with almost as many adults as youngsters playing, they travelled up in the hills to Annfield Plain’s wonderful Enterprise Park, where the welcome was as warm and the opponents as sporting as is usually the case in those parts. Winning the toss, captain Anthony Turner opted to bowl and was rewarded by an absolute sparkling opening spell by Ollie Hiscott (5-2-5-4). Bowling first change, Sean Aditjandra (4-0-11-2) proved an elusive prospect for the home batters, while young Archie Goel (3.4-0-16-2) as well as a brilliant tumbling catch, had Annfield Plain in no end of difficulties. Sadly, the second prolonged rain intervention meant proceedings were curtailed after 18.4 overs. As the minimum required 20 overs had not been bowled, the only possible result was an abandonment, which was extremely tough on the 3s who had bowled and fielded admirably, leaving Annfield Plain in the parlous position of 62/9. This game finally saw some rewards for all the sterling efforts made by the side in the face of great and continuing adversity. Well done to all who took part, including the corpulent pensioner at square leg.

The Sunday 3s were at home to Tynedale. Featuring several young tyros who had distinguished themselves so admirably the day before, Tynemouth won by 95 runs. The home side batted first, posting 206/4, with George Stewart (52 retired), Finn Larner (44*), Will Bogg (36) and Arthur King (25*) all making excellent contributions. In reply, Tynedale were dismissed for 111, with Oliver Hiscott (3/16) returning his second superb analysis in successive days. Well done lads!!

As I mentioned earlier, I didn’t initially pay a full playing membership for the club this season, as I thought I’d pretty much retired. However needs must and so, in order to be considered for this one, I stumped up the extra £120 and promptly got selected for the away fixture at Annfield Plain. I like the club, and I like the ground. I like the teas even more. Just a shame we had to have them so early as the deluge from the sky washed out any hope of play, after our young tyros had managed such an incredible job of reducing them to 62/9. Although, one wonders if we could have made the total if Bunsen or Sean A had got out cheaply. Anyway, just as we left, the clouds parted, and warm sunshine made steam rise from the sodden outfield as we made our way back home. This was definitely the one that got away.

June 14^th:

The week ending Sunday 15^th June saw a mixed bag of results for Tynemouth Cricket Club. The week began with a loss for a scratch First XI away to Bedlington in the Tyneside Charity Bowl. The home side batted first and amassed 142/7, having lost their last wicket with 75 on the board. The wickets were shared around, with Richy Hay, Dan McGhee and Matthew Kimmitt, bowling for the first time since schooldays apparently, taking two each. In reply, Tynemouth made 125/9, but the umpires prevented Bish from batting because of concussion protocols after he’d suffered a slight cut to the side of his head from his glasses breaking. Hence, with 18 needed from 8 balls, the came to an unsatisfactory halt. Chad Koen (37) top scored, with good support from Patrick Hallam (27).

On Saturday, a much changed First XI travelled to Hetton Lyons and registered 246/6, with Matty Brown (104) leading the charge, with notable assistance from Faizan Ghumann (53), Stan McAlindon (35*) and Matt Kimmitt (34).  Unfortunately, Tynemouth could not bowl the home side out and they ended on 191/7, mainly on accounting of an unbroken 9^th wicket stand of 90. Bowling plaudits go to that man Brown (3/32) and Bish (3/53).

The 2s had an excellent NEPL T20 round 2 win away to Sunderland on Friday night. Having restricted the home side to 120/8, with Rohan George (2/10) and Andrew Davison (2/25) playing key roles with the ball, they knocked off the runs required in 13 overs. Davison (21*) was handy with the bat as well, though second fiddle to another great knock by George Stewart (54*).

On Saturday, the 2s hosted Hetton Lyons in a rain affected game. Like the 1s they recorded a winning draw. Hetton batted first, making 180/3 from 42 overs. After a lengthy rain delay, Tynemouth managed 159/8 from 37 overs, which because of the labyrinthine complexities of the scoring system was enough to secure a winning draw. Andrew Linehan (53*) top scored, with notable support from Josh Koen (39) and Patrick Hallam (27).

The Saturday 3s also had a rain affected 10-a-side game at home to Cowgate 2s. The visitors batted first, compiling 220/7 from 32 overs, when a Biblical cloudburst drove the players off the field and for an early tea, at which point Cowgate declared. The young bowlers were in their pomp again, with Noah Rae bagging three victims and Oliver Hiscott two. There was even a wicket for the ageless non-spinning off spinner ian cusack, who delivered successive wides and then, bowling to his field, saw success courtesy of a brilliant, tumbling catch at deep forward long on by Cameron Donachie. There’ll be in a pint in it for him when he turns 18, if cusack is still extant then.

There are no such things as winning or losing draws in the NTCL D5 Central, though the Saturday 3s staked an argument for such a development, inching towards a glacially paced 52/6 from their 32 overs, with Sean Aditjandra (13) contributing most, with an innings that was flamboyant in the context of the Tynemouth reply. The Sunday 3s (161/7) lost by 23 runs to Burnopfield (184/6), despite solid knocks from Aditjandra (43*), Stewart (36) and Hallam (33).

Considering the forecast, I’m amazed we had a game, though the ground dried remarkably quickly after the downpour. My arthritic right shoulder hampers my bowling, to the extent I can’t get enough movement in my shoulder to spin the ball properly. All I tried to do was put it outside off stump and, after 2 dismal wides, I enticed a batter into a wild slog across the line. A yard further and it was 6, but young Cameron took an absolutely brilliant catch. This was my first wicket since I turned 60 and if it is my last, I’ll be happy with figures of 1/7 for the season. We never stood a chance of getting the runs, but fair play to the young lads for not throwing their wickets away and thus preventing me from showing myself up in the middle.