Quiet, Noisy, Relaxed, Intensity

 Here's is my latest exploration of recent musical & literary adventures, though I must begin by paying tribute to the passing of one of greatest ever American novelists, the utter genius that was Cormac McCarthy. We will not see his like again -: 

Music:

The first gig of a very sparse early Summer schedule, should have been my attendance at TQ Live 5 at the Lit & Phil on Friday 23 June, featuring acoustic sets from Christian Alderson, Mark Carroll and Tobias Sarra, as well as an improvised set from them as a trio. However, it was pulled the day before as the venue had become unavailable. This did, however, result in me being able to take up a very generous donation from my pal Tim Dredge, who passed on his Sunday matinee ticket to see The Vaselines supported by Jon Langford, with Barkley McKay and Susie Honeyman at The Cumberland. In a salutary lesson for those who believe in good karma, I’d first met Tim about 5 years ago outside The Tanners, while he was looking for a Vaselines gig at the Star and Shadow. Obviously, this was just after the venue had moved and, being from out of town, he did not know this. I helped him find the place and he helped me out with this one, as the tickets had all been sold. You’re a very good man Tim and I salute you for your great act of kindness.  I had a brilliant afternoon.

I’ve been a devotee of The Mekons for over 45 years, so I’ve always taken the opportunity to see any and every incarnation of them. They didn’t disappoint with a lengthy set, drawn from pretty much all of Jon’s career, from all his different projects. Highlights included revisits of Abernant 84-85 and a frankly brilliant Slightly South of the Border, with a predictable, though no less stirring, Where Were You to close proceedings. Jon remains a charming raconteur and it was great to catch up with him and the equally friendly Barkley afterwards, in baking sun outside. Indoors was baking hot as well, so watching The Vaselines storm through a 22-song retrospective of their entire career, featuring every notable number from Molly’s Lips to I Hate The 80s and Jesus Doesn’t Want Me For a Sunbeam to Son Of a Gun, with several stops along the way, was an ordeal worth enduring. Like Jon, both Frances and Eugene are natural born entertainers, and it was a joy to see them. You know, I reckon these Sunday afternoon gigs, starting at 12.30 and over by 4.00 may just be the way forward for us oldies..

Such is my level of devotion to both watching Percy Main Amateurs FC and playing for Tynemouth Cricket Club 3^rd XI, it is to my intense regret that I have been unable to attend any of the Shunyata Improvisation Group’s (SIG) series of Saturday matinee appearances at The Globe thus far in 2023. The programme, as announced at the back end of 2022, was -:

 Asymmetry (Not adhering to perfection).  Saturday 14 January. Support: Thomas Dixon   

2.    Non-attachment (Open minded and detached, being without any form completes every form). Saturday 11 March. Support: Tobias Sarra.

3.    Naturalness (Artless in its natural form, without pretence). Saturday 29 April. Support: Molar Crime.

4.    Simplicity (Not complicated or gaudy). Saturday 24 June. Support: Mobius.

5.    Silence (Limitless Silence, the inward-looking Mind). Saturday 9 September. Support: Richard Scott

6.    Wizened Austerity (Solitary, dignified like an old tree). Saturday 11 November. Support: Paul Taylor

7.    Profound Subtlety (A hidden memory lingering deep inside, limitless implications). Saturday 9 December. Support: Katie Oswell.

Each performance is named after one of the 7 principles of zen aesthetics, as codified by the secular Buddhist thinker Stephen Batchelor, of which 4 are used as titles for the 5 short pieces on the new Aesthetics CD, recently released by the estimable Wormhole World imprint.  The longest piece, at a shade over 30 minutes, is the opening, eponymous opus that acts as a focal point to coalesce the thoughts and impressions yet to come. It is, without a shadow of a doubt, a phenomenal piece of work that proves the Shunyata Improvisational Group to be one of the most vital and vibrant voices in the contemporary experimental and improvised music world. The telepathic understanding between the 4 members of this current iteration of SIG is without parallel in my field of listening experience. So unified are the 4 disparate elements that they instinctively know where to go and what to do next. From the opening tolling of a bell (or is it a bowl?), an aural depiction of the concept of art and beauty threads and weaves its way through the listener’s consciousness, giving space for unconscious thoughts of what is and isn’t an aesthetic experience to become palpable. Of course, mood, location and atmospheric conditions are of equal importance, meaning that every time you listen to Aesthetics, it says something different. This is very similar to previous Shunyata releases, such as Balances or Pivot Moments, both of which offer something fresh and different on every listen.

As regards the 5 shorter pieces that complete the CD, their brevity in no way compromises their importance or the quality of music they contain. Rather they act as complementary pieces, where the individual members of SIG take turns to be the focal point on each subsequent pieces, though please don’t imagine there is any kind of Ummagumma style self-indulgence at play here. Guitarist Martin Donkin is described as the Shunyata Improvisation Group’s Co-Ordinator, rather than leader, which is a democratic description of his role, rather than the more egotistical (Messianic?) idea of a leader. It is also fitting, as Martin’s fluent, understated, calm guitar playing lends a kind of peaceful, meditative quality that veers away from conscious virtuosity and acts as a conduit for integrating the other members of Shunyata Improvisation Group. For instance, Mark Carroll, abandoning his cello for a moment, provides solemn, dignified and sedate piano motifs that seamlessly meld with Martin’s gentle, insistent riffing, for want of a better word, at the start of closing track “Solitary, Dignified” reminds me of a combination of “A Forest” by The Cure and the instrumental soundtrack of Withnail & I, when Paul McGann takes a solitary walk in the Cumbrian countryside, in possibly the only understated section of that wonderful, riotous comedy.

Elsewhere, “Non-attachment” features insistent violin patterns by John Garner that produces possibly the only section of urgency across the whole piece. Perhaps most fascinating, indeed beguiling, of all is NofC setting aside his array of percussive devices to affect sonorous scat singing that could almost be a kind of plainsong speaking in tongues on “Wizened Austerity,” which ends with a rich, warm belly laugh. It is a deeply intriguing piece set amongst one of the most interesting and compelling suites of music you will hear in this or any other year.

With Aesthetics, the Shunyata Improvisation Group have not only released a concept album, or even made a series of conceptual performances, but have actually embraced the idea of aesthetically living a concept year, though that oft-maligned term should not be seen in a pejorative way, as I do not mean to use it in a way redolent of Rick Wakeman or any other discredited 70s pomp rock behemoth. This is a release to spark internal dialogue; it provokes debate and demands discussion in the mind of the listener. It is an extraordinarily fine album that will be listened to long into the future, which must be a sign of true genius for a series of pieces recorded live, spontaneously and entirely in the moment. I simply can’t recommend it enough.

Meanwhile, 180 degrees distant from the Shunyata experience, I got hold of Deaf German’s Mute Whore EP, also from Wormhole World. It’s the musical, and I use that term very loosely, equivalent of putting a dentist’s drill in your left ear and a Black & Decker power tool in your right. Lasting 100 seconds in total, it contains 14 extremely short, powerful and punishing doses of aural scree. Like a cross between dial-up modem squeals and explosions of random static, it is probably the most unpleasant sound experience I’ve had since I first saw Whitehouse back in 84. However, unlike the po-faced power electronics tribe, Deaf German are funny, to the point of making you laugh out loud at the sheer abrasiveness of their noise. I love this record and the Swansea outfit’s previous release Tyres, which is sadly only available on download at the moment, though Wormhole World may change that situation in future.

As well as being purveyors of the finest experimental music in accessible, tangible form, Wormhole World are also incredibly good value for money. Having spent a tenner on the Deaf German and Shunyata Improvisation Group releases, I was delighted to discover my package continued a gift; Reality is Not Enough by Brume, which is the cacophonous solo project of French multi-instrumentalist and studio wizard, Christian Renou. A dozen sections of found and purloined spoken sounds are slathered in metallic clatter, grunge guitars and exploited toys to great effect. I thoroughly enjoyed this slice of l'underground musical sans public, especially at such a bargain price.

In contrast, I threw £25 down the drain on this year’s Record Store Day purchase. I was bitterly disappointed not to source either this year’s Bardo Pond release or a Virgin Prunes compilation of archive stuff, so I put my hand in my pocket for Polar Regions by Jowe Head’s Swell Maps C21, which was culled from two sold out shows at Café Oto back in December 2021. Tickets were gone even before I knew of this mini residency, which I could have screamed with frustration at missing out on. However, and this bitterly disappoints me to say it, this does nothing to add to the legacy of the Swell Maps. Having read Head’s book about Swell Maps last year, which revealed Nicki Sudden to just about the biggest dickhead to walk this planet, I was excited to hear this project reinterpret some classics from back in the day. Unfortunately, other than the instrumental pieces (Don’t Throw Ashtrays at Me, A Raincoat’s Room, both of which feature Lucie Rejchtova deputising for the sadly departed Epic Soundtracks, and a storming Big Empty Field), the record sucks. Sub-karaoke stagger-throughs of HS Art, Read About Seymour and particularly Let’s Build A Car, are little other than self-indulgent stabs at reflected glory. I’m turning more against the concept of Record Store Day with each passing year and overpriced piffle like this is unlikely to win me round.

This is not to say nostalgia doesn’t have its place. The best location for it was The Lubber Fiend on Saturday 27 May when, fresh from a good scudding by 75 runs by Anfield Plain (despite my fluent 1*), I took in the mighty UT, at a gig promoted by Kev Wilkinson of Big Road Breaker et al. Never having seen UT before, it was another joyous tick on the No Wave Bingo Card of life and they were truly tremendous; tense, intense, fraught and frightening by turns. This was angry, angular wailing of the finest vintage, with the added bonus of Tim Hodgkinson on saxophone on a couple of numbers. Also, it was fabulous to see old pals like Has Gaylani that I’d not seen in years. Such a shame I didn’t buy any musical produce that night, rather than the Swell Maps piffle.

I have been trying to avoid funding David Gedge’s retirement over the past few years, yet I still find myself a sucker for just about any Wedding Present merchandise that has escaped me. Hence, finding their Scopitones website had copies of various 1992 Hit Parade releases was me like a moth to a furnace. As a result I’ve now got copies of July’s Flying Saucer, backed with a great version of Mud’s Rocket and December’s passable No Christmas, with some Elton John cover on the b-aide that I’ve not listened to yet.  That’s 10 out of 12 secured now anyway. As a matter of fact, I didn’t buy any of the 2022 Hit Parade redux singles, as they were £15 a pop, plus £20 for a decorative box to store them in. Wise old ian waited for the double CD that came out this year to get the whole load together. Gedge has entirely reordered the songs and it comes across, certainly on the first CD, as a bloody strong album, courtesy mainly of Sleeper acting as the backing band. Opener I Am Not Going To Fall In Love with You is an absolute belter, followed up by Memento Mori, which is in the Weddoes top 20 songs ever. There’s only a couple of covers; A Song From Under The Floorboards and White Riot, which reflect the quality of the originals in terms of these interpretations. My goodness Magazine were a fine, fine band. In total we have 29 songs across 2 CDs and, undeniably, the first disc is stronger than the second, but it certainly shows Gedge’s songwriting skills, providing he’s egged on by a strong enough backing band, remain undimmed. I’m delighted I got hold of this.

Books:

All the Songs Sound the Same is a 350-page series of short essays by Wedding Present devotees talking about their favourite song. In some cases, Cinerama even get a mention. It is, obviously, repetitive, with My Favourite Dress and Kennedy getting the nod from 75% of punters, but that’s not a bad thing as many people have interesting stories to tell. Shame that my take on Boo Boo is such a pile of sub lit crit, pretentious wank, but never mind…

There aren’t a huge number of books for me to write about as, for no readily apparent reason, I took May off and didn’t read a line the whole month. Perhaps I needed the space after joyfully absorbing the late John Arlott’s stupendous memoir, written somewhat bizarrely in the third person as if it were a biography, Basingstoke Boy. Rather than just a chronicle of cricketing anecdotes, it tells of his entire life and career, from mental hospital orderly, to police constable, to jobbing, itinerant BBC producer of literary readings and eventually to a not altogether contended retirement on Alderney. As well as joy at the good things that happen, his enduring despair at the death of his eldest son Jim in a car accident and guilt at the failure of his first marriage are addressed fully. It is a wonderful read and I felt more than a tang of sympathy when both his favourite football sides, Southampton and Reading, suffered relegation at the end of last season.

One bloke I never feel sympathy for if his team gets humped is notorious Jambo Ian Rankin, though I do love his writing style. His late era Rebus procedural, Saints of the Shadow Bible, featuring the reopening of investigations into some nefarious dealings by loose cannon cops back when Rebus had just joined CID is brilliantly paced, flawlessly plotted and suffused with laconic dialogue. I always enjoy my trips to Rankin’s imagination and this one is no different. The same could normally be said of James Ellroy’s world, but the anthology Destination Morgue! which features both long form journalistic pieces that were originally found in Esquire as well as 3 terrible novellas about an LA Detective and his preposterous revenge killing adventures with a fading Hollywood glamour girl, are simply too vile for my tastes. Ellroy makes no secret of his redneck Republicanism, but this is him dialling up the bigotry to 11. He’s done that before, such as in The Cold Six Thousand especially, but at least then the weasel words are spoken by the bad guys, not the protagonist. Having trawled through this, I’ve now read all of Ellroy’s published works, which is an achievement, probably on a par with getting through the entire Bukowski oeuvre. Like Hank, the Devil Dog’s work is of a variable quality, but at least I’m prepared for the publication of The Enchanters, voiced again by the notorious Freddie Otash, in September.

Elsewhere in the literary sewer of the United States, I read Short Eyes by the Nuyorican dramatist Miguel Pinero. Set in a New York House of correction in the early 70s, it tells the tale of the incarceration and murder of a suspected white child abuser, who is caged on remand on a racially tense wing, where Hispanics and Blacks rule the roost, and the white prisoners and guards need to remain vigilant. Within this melting pot, internecine warfare between gay and straight Puerto Ricans and Mexicans, Panther devotees and drug dealing libertines from the various 5 Boroughs, as well as the fighting Irish in both prison and police uniforms, is frequently ready to boil over. A white “short eyes” is the lowest of the low, according to the jail’s moral code and his murder, despite questions over his innocence or guilt, is seen as inevitable. Post mortem, no tears are cried in this harsh environment. I’d love to see how the 1974 film dealt with the harsh brutality of the world this tense two act play depicts.

Harry Pearson’s world is never harsh or brutal; it is always charming, thought-provoking and mildly eccentric. I am honoured to have called Harry a friend for almost 30 years now and to have read every single thing he published. The other week he came to see me play for Tynemouth 3s at Hexham, much to the delight of our skipper Richy and opening bowler Ed who are both devotees of Harry’s work, especially Slipless in Settle for some reason. We lost by 8 wickets, but at least I hit a straight driven boundary that Harry likened to Victor Trumper in his prime, and he gave me a copy of his latest book, No Pies, No Priest, which is an absolutely fascinating slow meander through arcane world of minority regional sports. From quoits in Northumberland to stoolball in Sussex to road bowling in County Armagh, we take a bucolic ramble through the obscure and fascinating world of folk sports with our latter day, clean shaven and slightly diffident Jack Hargreaves redux. Like any good afternoon spent in Harry’s company, whether that be at cricket football or in the pub, things are over far too soon, which is the mark of how fine a writer he is. If you want to relax and enjoy rural pastimes vicariously or as an accompaniment to a picnic tea at a second XI club game, grab a copy of No Pies, No Priest (the chapter from whence the title comes is an absolute cracker), because you won’t regret it.

 

 

 

 

 

Arab Strop

Newcastle United's memorable season is over; thankfully there's still golf for Miguel Delaney & Oliver Holt to twist their faces about -:

The aftershock effects of the 2022 World Cup continue to be felt, as this interminable football season grinds on towards mid-June and beyond. If you can bear the excitement, there are still a couple of international fixtures to go yet. Forgive me please, I have no more details to share with you, as I have no clue who is playing whom, or when or where these games will take place, much less why they need to happen at all. Fairly obviously, apart from NTCL Division 5 (South) and the Northern Alliance AGM, due to be held Thursday 15 June at Blue Flames, The Ashes is the most important sporting event of the summer, but I do realise there are some distorted individuals who don’t see cricket as the most beautiful game of all, so there needs to be other competitive activities for those sorts to focus on. Golf, for instance, or engaging in pointless social media feuds with those running dog journalistic lackeys of the Glazer Family, waxy-faced popinjay Miguel Delaney and ageing, lickerish roue Oliver Holt.

According to Mig and Ollie golf is no longer a good walk spoiled, but rather a good mass execution spoiled, now Saudi Arabia have bought the game lock, stock and sand wedge. I’m not sure which club will need to be jettisoned to accommodate Holt’s patent bone saw, but it will give the stroke play Tories something to mull over at the 19^th hole, rather than simply expressing their undying love for Suella Braverman. I don’t like golf and I don’t like a great number of people I know who play the game, mainly for ideological reasons, though I am extremely amused to consider how the likes of the Newburn Neo Con Dave Broadmoor will reconcile their rampant Islamophobia with the knowledge their beloved game will now be operating under the aegis of Sharia Law rather than the influence of the Royal and Ancient. Pretty soon, every clubhouse across the world will be turned into a Mosque, which cheers me up. A lot. Seriously though, can you just imagine how the World’s most famous caddy, James Ellroy, will react to this?

When Miguel and Oliver aren’t stamping their spikes on the verdant putting surfaces of Wilmslow and Alderley Edge, they are on-line and in print, flag waving for the little guys from Old Trafford in their brave fight against the Evil Empire from the Etihad. Mind, they’ve been getting themselves in quite a stew over Newcastle United, along with their lickspittle shills from Denver’s Miniscule Militant Mob. If I understand the point that the screeching scribes and former employee of the House of Saud Denver Humbert are repeatedly trying to make, Manchester City and Newcastle United are baddies because they are owned by Islamic billionaires, while Manchester United are goodies because they are owned by non-Islamic billionaires. Well, at least Miguel and Oliver aren’t Anti-Semitic unlike Denver’s pals and almost all the critics of Newcastle United from Wearside, or indeed anyone who doesn’t seek to proselytise the Glazer Family a thousand times a day.

The last few games of the season saw Newcastle coast over the line in fourth place, happy to take a Champions’ League place and the incredible riches that promises, in a kind of relaxed and confident cruise control that reflects the magnificent managerial style of Eddie Howe. That said, the last 5 games of the season produced more panic attacks than pressure from our high press, but we got there in the end. There were different ways to interpret the first of that set of games. The home loss to Arsenal could perhaps most rationally be seen as the story of two excellent keepers on top form, though it was ultimately a very frustrating loss, after we’d started like an express train and could have been 2 up in the opening ten minutes. Being honest, it was right to deny us a penalty and thence they regrouped, thoroughly shithousing their way to victory with some extraordinarily daring timewasting tactics, almost from the first whistle onwards. Bruno’s injury and the negative impact of Sean’s absence both conspired to leave us creatively short-handed. Although Maxi did okay as an impact sub, I really can’t see his loose cannon approach being suitable for the team going forwards. He’s been fun to have, but going forwards we need to be serious and professional in every aspect and I don’t think he can offer us that on a regular basis.

I didn’t get to see the Leeds game as I was playing up at Leadgate, but the roars from a fervently black and white crowd in the packed clubhouse kept us well informed of the pattern of events. I didn’t even get to see the highlights as the Moldovan flute-playing dwarf and other delights from Eurovision kept Match of the Day off our screens. Watching the goals, it is clear that Wilson has ice in his veins, in a manner that is reminiscent of Shearer, which was one of the reasons I didn’t buy into the theory that NUFC were starting to run out of steam by this juncture. At the time, I though a point was a decent result against the Bogeyman Allardyce, but that may not be the case as we were the only team, he avoided defeat against in his, thankfully, doomed attempts to keep the DYB in the top division.

In advance of the Brighton game, there was much fearful noise on social media, with many fearing the Seagulls who’d destroyed Arsenal would turn up against us. Thankfully, it was more of the variety who capitulated disastrously to Everton who showed up on a glorious Thursday night. From the kick-off their measured, short passing game invited us on and the Howe patented high press, allied to our still amazing levels of fitness, pushed them back into their own penalty area. The 2-0 lead we went in with at the break was only a modest return for our dominance and their early reply after the break caused some faint hearts to flutter. However, their belated attempt to force things was equally unsuccessful a ploy, as it allowed us to twice pick them off with picture book breakaway goals. All in all; a stunning performance and a stunning atmosphere in the ground as, whatever the begrudgers say, this was a team and a crowd in perfect harmony. Goodness, the beer tasted nice in The Trent House at full time.

Unfortunately, I was ill for the Leicester game, and I really ought not have gone as, on returning home, my rampant chills and shivers heralded a painful and blinding fit of vomiting as I succumbed to the ravages of a chest infection. Ironically, I’d also been sick when we beat Leicester 2-1 on Easter Sunday last year, so perhaps it is a relief for my oesophagus that they’ve gone down. All in all, it was an anti-climax to a wonderful season, but a beautiful one. My 50^th and final game of 2022-2023 was watched from Bar 1892; albeit the last seat in the Milburn before it becomes the Gallowgate. If we’d taken our chances, we could have seen a repeat of the famous 7-1 that brought down the curtain on the title winning season under Keegan in May 1993. As it was, Leicester were brave enough to keep us out and we seemed to declare on 70 minutes, as a point was enough, much to the chagrin of a moaning specky twat to my left. I just hope he got to see that post-match interview with Jacob Murphy that should have reduced every fan of the club to a quivering, tearful wreck. What a bloke that fella is. What an achievement to come from nowhere to 4^th place. Come on you Mags!

And so to the last game at Chelsea, and a chance to pit our wits against the tactical genius who is Frank Lampard. A nothing game that didn’t even merit Sky coverage, never mind a watchable dodgy stream, so I stuck with Sky Sports News and tragic events from Goodison that saw the Scouse Mackems stay up. At least we finished in our highest position for 20 years, after a campaign that will go down as being as much fun as 87-88, 93-94, 01-02 or, at a push, the last part of 05-06, because it was so unexpected. Of course, this is when the pressure will start to mount and expectations will be ratcheted up, for both singings and performances. Sadly, I’d imagine a lot of the fun will go out of supporting NUFC, especially with the new Membership scheme suggesting tickets for the average Joe will be like gold dust. Well, perhaps now is a good time to unhitch myself from the bandwagon, not because of ideological issues per se, but simply because it won’t be as much fun now the crowd expects us to win.

For the record, Shelley and I have both renewed our Percy Main season tickets, so we’ll see you at Purvis Park. Howay the Villagers!!

What? Another Year!!

The North East non-league season is over. As ever, the Northern Alliance proved itself to be the greatest football competition on earth -:

The last non-league game involving a north east team during the 2022-2023 season, was the Gateshead v Halifax FA Trophy final at Wembley on Sunday 21^st May. Frankly, it was shit. Halifax were marginally less awful and probably deserved their win, courtesy of a spawny deflected goal, but what the whole sorry non-event showed me was that the idea of allowing players to end their competitive season on 29^th April and then expecting them to maintain sharpness, match fitness and the will to win after 3 aimless weeks of phoney war, is an absolute joke. Both teams and both sets of fans deserved to be treated with more compassion and support than they were. The FA need to look at the scheduling of this event in future. However, looking at how the season played out, there is no doubt in my mind that Mike Williamson is second only to Eddie Howe in the North East Manager of the Year awards, as he has done an amazing job at the International Stadium, keeping up a side who were bottom at New Year in the division because of a sparkling run of form that saw them not only getting to Wembley, but finishing almost halfway up the division, in their first campaign after promotion. As ever, I didn’t see much of The Heed, mainly on account of the prohibitive pricing for home games, but the 2-2 draw with York I took in on 2^nd January, which they ought to have won by a canter, saw a side keen on playing it on the floor, doing things the right way, and utterly unified with their fans, stamping their right to be taken seriously as Tyneside’s second team. More power to their elbow and here’s hoping for, at least, consolidation next time around.

Stepping down a level, Spennymoor and Darlington seem to have had decent campaigns, ending the year 8^th and 9^th respectively in National League North, though Blyth Spartans, as ever, did things the hard way and only managed to stay up with a 5-0 win over Hereford, of all teams, on the last day of the season. Their eventual 17^th place finish has still not been enough to pacify a notoriously grumpy fanbase who, in the wake of a Northumberland Senior Cup final loss to Morpeth Town, are still calling for manager Graham Fenton’s head, on account of the fact they’re the most famous non-league side in the world because they reached the quarter finals of the FA Cup in 1978, or something. Rumours of Fenton’s potential decampment to Darlington still persist. Next season Fenton’s former side South Shields will be on-field rivals, having finally won the Northern Premier League. The eternally popular Kevin Phillips has successfully completed his PR rather than coaching job, got a nice tick for his CV and cleared his desk in search of bigger bucks elsewhere, allowing Julio Arca, a stalwart of the Mariners from their Northern League days, to take over. This just might be a very astute appointment. Good luck to them and especially their lifelong fan, my old pal John Melville. Sadly, their ground makes me feel too claustrophobic I must admit, so I’ll probably not be there in person.

In the Northern Premier League, Morpeth will be only north east representatives next season, with their nearest rivals being Markse United, about 60 miles to the south. Spurred on by the fanatical support of the Shunyata Ultras, The Dandy Highwaymen achieved 17^th spot in the league, after looking in some peril for much of the campaign but ended proceedings in a positive frame of my mind by, as has already been mentioned, securing the Northumberland FA Senior Cup at St James Park. Down below, the Northern Premier League East continues to metamorphose into a post-graduate Northern League. Stockton Town finished second but lost in the play-off final. Hebburn were third, having lost in the play-off semi. Dunston were sixth and my pal Tony Fawcett secured 13^th spot for Consett. Unfortunately, Shildon had a nightmare season, finished 19^th and were relegated back to the Northern League.

Strangest of all was the fate of North Shields. Promoted to great acclaim last summer, they singularly failed to do a single item on the list of compulsory ground developments they were required to do to cement their status at a higher level, pleading poverty on the back of a humiliatingly poorly subscribed Just Giving campaign. Then, having finished a highly creditable 7^th in the division, they announced after failing their ground grading inspection, that a generous donation was now in place to enable the belated completion of the work, even if not a spade had been turned to bring the ground up to scratch at that point. Unsurprisingly, the FA dismissed their appeal out of hand and the Robins are now back in Northern League Division 1, where some of their more media savvy followers will no doubt pick up the baton of freeloading unctuousness from the Wansbeck paparazzi now Ashington have been rightfully promoted. For Shields, their difficulties now begin in earnest, with the departure of Marc Nash as manager and his replacement by the relatively inexperienced, but fabulously wealthy Dan Iredale, who has a modest track record, at best, from his days in charge of Cullercoats and then Ryton & Crawcrook Albion.

Elsewhere in the Northern League, Newton Aycliffe were the surprise League Champions, Pickering Town have been laterally transferred after a difficult debut campaign, to the more geographically congenial Northern Counties East Premier, saving Sunderland RCA from relegation to Division 2, and poor old Willington have plummeted into the Wearside League, after a nightmare season in the second division. In their place, bringing the league back to a 20:22 split, we see the arrivals of FC Hartlepool, from the Wearside League, Newcastle Blue Star, who finally achieved their dream of winning the Alliance and North Riding representatives Yarm & Eaglescliffe, who groundshare at Billingham Town. That’ll be one new ground for me to visit, the Grayfields enclosure, or possibly 3 if Boro Rangers and Chester le Street United finally get their planned, functional 4G cages in working order. Whoopee eh?

As ever, the Northern Alliance proved itself to be the greatest football competition on earth during 2022-2023, maintaining 4 thoroughly sporting divisions at a highly praiseworthy standard, with almost every club being a credit to the league, other than the unnecessary on-line gloating from Newcastle Independent, who have form for this sort of thing, after beating Blue Star, Premier Champions and Challenge Cup winners it should be noted, in the NFA Bowl.

While we know for certain Blue Star have been promoted, nobody has been relegated from the Northern League to replace them. Indeed, the actual composition of the Alliance for 2023-2024 will not be known until after the AGM in early June. During the season just ended, Red House Farm and Seaton Sluice resigned from Division 2, leaving it to run 2 clubs short, and Division 3 started with only 15 at the outset, followed by the rapid disappearance of West Moor & Jesmond Under 23s after a chastening 20-0 lacing at the hands of Wallsend Boys Club Under 23s. Hence, such anomalies will need to be addressed by admitting several new applicants, names TBC. There are, of course, rumours about who has called it a day, but with the exception of Stocksfield who have gone public over their departure from Saturday competitive football, it is well to be wary of idle speculation and just deal with facts. As regards cup successes, congratulations go to Alnwick Town for seeing off Burradon & New Fordley in the George Dobbins Cup and to Newcastle University A who recreated a day at the Roman Coliseum in their 7-1 evisceration of North Shields Community Christians in the Northumberland FA Minor Cup.

Looking at the divisions outside the top flight, I was delighted to see my old pal Mark Bullock continue his sterling renaissance of the fortunes of Hazlerigg Victory FC in Division 3. As work continues on the redevelopment of their home ground, they first won the Neville Cowey Cup in remarkable circumstances on May Day Monday morning, turning round a 3-0 half time deficit against Ashington Reserves, winning 4-3 in injury time, before following this up with the divisional title. Their final league game, on Saturday 6^th May, saw then away to long time leaders Benton, at Churchill Playing Fields. Having already been down to Castle Eden, only to find Tynemouth’s NEPL game abandoned without a ball bowled on account of an unsafe bog of an outfield, I was delighted to take in this game, especially when the afternoon came over all sunny and warm.

Hezzy, Benton and Alnwick Town Development, away to fourth placed Amble in a local derby, were separated by a single point and only a single goal before kick-off. The agreement was that no side would tweet developments in case it unduly affected the outcome because of potentially duff information seeping into the public domain. In any case, Hezzy were leaving nothing to chance and were on it like a famished dog with an untrimmed shin bone, from kick off. Benton, of whom I’d heard good things, were blown away by the pace, accuracy and determination of the visitors. It was 3-0 at half time and 6-0 by the final whistle, bolstered by a hideous keeper error and a pair of penalties. It was just what Hezzy deserved. I wish them, Benton and Alnwick, who lost 4-1 at Amble, all the best for next season.

Next up, on the Monday 8^th May Bank Holiday, was the Bill Gardner Cup Final at Percy Main between Division 2 Morpeth FC and Division 3 Wallsend Boys Club Under 23s. The week before, I’d missed seeing Newcastle East End’s thrilling comeback win against West Moor and Jesmond at the same venue in the Combination Cup, so I was determined not to regret missing this one. One a day so wet every other non-league local game was called off for waterlogged pitches, my only regret was not wearing stouter shoes as the heavens opened overnight and kept pouring throughout the following day. This meant a substantial crowd tried to cower under the cover in front of the pavilion. Considering Morpeth’s core support seemed to consist of bulky middle aged, middle class women in long padded coats whining about the lack of parking spaces for their Land Rovers, my executive decision to stand in the falling rain was a sound one. Morpeth’s front two, the sons of Trevor Benjamin and Archie Gourley, in point of fact, were the best players on the park and Wallsend did well to hold them to 1-0 at the break. The further torrential downpour hampered the game as a spectacle in the latter stages, but Morpeth got what they deserved with a late second, despite their twisty fans and moany hangers-on. Trevor Benjamin is a lovely bloke incidentally.

Elsewhere in Division 2, Ponteland United Reserves won the title with much to spare, while Newcastle University A augmented their Minor Cup success with the runners up spot and North Sunderland captured the divisional Amateur Cup. Division 2 was so tight that the final day’s games on Saturday 13th May began with the bottom 8 clubs all in danger of finishing in the last two places. Stick that in your Premier League Survival Sunday pipe and smoke it.

This tight situation was partly brought about by results on Wednesday 10^th May, when I took in Newcastle Chemfica Amateurs 2 Whitley Bay Sporting Club 1, in the company of my pal and fellow keeper Peter Holland, with Newcastle University 2 Blyth Town Under 23s 1 happening in the distance. It wasn’t a great game, but I’ve a strong affection for Chemfica Amateurs and I was delighted they won this, scoring their opener simultaneous to the University scoring on an adjacent pitch. It got to 2-0 at half time and Peter, who does his bit as a keeper coach, decided he’d be better as a daddy coach and put the bairns to bed. Leaving early, he missed Whitley swapping their keeper with an outfield player, sticking him up front and seeing him make it 2-1 about 10 minutes into injury time. Blyth made the score the same in their game with a last second penalty and I reflected how good it is that such facilities are well used by local footballers. The football may be brutal at times, but the game is still beautiful, though I doubt anyone other than me was sat at their kitchen table, nervously refreshing Twitter for other Northern Alliance Division 2 scores that night.

Division 1 sees Stobswood Welfare and West Moor & Jesmond promoted; two former Tyneside Amateur League teams of course and I’m delighted they’ve done so well. With the title already won by Stobby, the two teams met in the final game of season at West Moor, on Wednesday 17 May. Obviously I was there, with Ben and my mate John, over from Ireland for the Newcastle v Brighton game. There wasn’t much at stake, as West Moor played fringe players, a striker in nets and the joint managers up top. Stobby won 3-1. Everyone had a laugh and shook hands when it was over, as the curtain came down on another wonderful campaign in the best league on earth. Thanks to every single player, official, volunteer and supporter of the 32 Alliance clubs I’ve seen this season. You have made an old man very happy on a regular basis.

Incidentally, sunderland didn’t get promoted.

Slow Starters

 Theoretically, we've already had 5 weeks of the 2023 cricket season....

Week 1: April 15^th

All games postponed until later in the season, date to be confirmed, on account of bad weather.

Week 2: April 22^nd

All games cancelled due to rain.

I was delighted to be selected for Tynemouth 3s, especially as I’m now a full fee-paying member (at the insistence of Dan Storey), for the home clash with Civil Service. Unfortunately, the incessant rain that arrived on Friday morning and didn’t relent until Sunday afternoon, meant that the chances of a game were virtually non-existent. Obviously I turned up at the club, had a coffee and caught up with some of the lads who, in many instances, I’d not seen since last September, ready to hear the inevitable bad news of play being abandoned, which came just after noon. A quick series of farewells and a taxi back to Shelley’s then saw me cycle down to High Flatworth to watch Willington Quay Saints 0 Alnwick Town 2 in the Northern Alliance George Dobbins League Cup semi-final, so the day wasn’t a complete write-off.

Week 3: April 29^th

Tynemouth Cricket Club’s 2023 season finally got underway at the weekend after several previous fixtures had to be cancelled because of rain and saturated grounds. Two games were played at home. On Saturday they lost to Felling in a League match and on Monday they beat Eppleton in the Banks Salver Cup. Both games were played in cold and damp conditions on a used wicket which made run scoring difficult especially for the side batting first.

Saturday saw the visit of Felling to Preston Avenue and as spectators looked for extra layers and warmed themselves with cups of hot tea and coffee, Tynemouth Captain Matt Brown had the misfortune to call wrong at the toss and not surprisingly his team were put in to bat. Ben Debnam opened up with Matthew Kimmitt. Both struggled against the moving ball and low bounce and were quickly dismissed by Elliott Fox bowling from the Rugby Stand end. Worse was to follow for Tynemouth as the excellent Seb Allison joined forces with the experienced Felling skipper Paul Leonard to blow away the Tynemouth top and middle order. At one stage the home side had been reduced to a remarkable 22/7 however Tshepo Ntuli and Andrew Smith battled hard and played with a lot of common sense as the wicket began to ease. Their 31 run partnership steadied the ship a touch but in truth she was already on the rocks and when Smith was adjudged lbw to Leonard the innings was wrapped up quickly with a total of just 61 on the board. Ntuli remained not out on 24.

Michael Booth, on debut for Tynemouth, impressed with his pacy first spell getting the prized wicket of Middlesex player Joe Cracknell, bowled second ball and when Ntuli had South African Travis Norris stumped by Stuart Poynter for just 9 there was just a flicker of hope. However the pitch was becoming easier to bat on and the outfield a bit drier, which allowed Andrew Whaits to play the one positive innings of the day with a fine 41 made off just 57 balls. New Professional Ntuli’s short spell showed promise for the future with his flighted off spin finding turn and bounce, but this game was effectively over after just an hour, having waited 3 weeks to get started.!!!

On Monday a weakened Eppleton side were the visitors to Preston Avenue and Dean Musther’s men could only muster 88 batting first. Dan McGee impressed with 3 wickets and the rest were shared around. In reply Tynemouth chased the score down comfortably in just 11 overs. Matt Kimmitt with 40 and Joe Snowdon with 34 were both undefeated at the end having shared a fine partnership of 76. Tynemouth will host Ashington in the next round on Sunday 21st May.

On Saturday, Tynemouth 2s paid a visit to their counterparts from Felling, edging a close game by a margin of 2 wickets. Felling batted first, making 217 all out from 46 overs, with skipper Graham Wright (71) anchoring the innings. For Tynemouth, James Carr was a central figure, claiming an excellent 4-30 from his 10 overs.  The other wickets were shared between Neil Bennett (2-42), Sam Robson (2-47), Josh Koen (1-37) and Andrew Davison (1-47). In the response, Barry Stewart top scored with 112, ably assisted by Patrick Hallam (51), but in the absence of other significant contributions, it was left to Graham Hallam (16*) to help ease the home team over the line.

Tynemouth 3s were handed their longest trip of the season to Wark, to play newly promoted United Stars. It was a tough ask and Richard Hay’s team bowled and fielded creditably to limit the expansive home side to 168/9 from their 40 overs. Credit goes to bowlers both young, James Walker (3-38), old, Ed Snelders (3-40) and in-between, Dan Storey (2-34), for their efforts. The fear was always that a lack of batting would by the 3s undoing and so it was; with only 10 players, the 3s amassed a total of 73/9, to lose by 95 runs. Top scorer Shams (28) had a fine debut, picking up an excellent caught and bowled when United Stars batted.

Next weekend, Tynemouth CC first XI travel to Castle Eden for an 11.30 start, while the 2s host their Sunderland counterparts at 12.00, who they play again on Sunday at Ashbrooke in a Banks Bowl tie that begins at 1.30, while the Saturday 3s host Newcastle 3s at 1.00.

Another call-up for the 3s saw me travel, partly by public transport (at the insistence of Dan Storey), to the frozen uplands of the Tyne Valley. While we’d assembled almost a full team, getting us all there was a more complicated problem. Being partly comprised of young lads, the paucity of driving licences, never mind motor vehicles, was a significant issue. I stepped up to the plate by poncing a lift from Steve Mordue, who was standing at Tynedale, then taking the rural 680 service to Bellingham, to hop off at Wark. If the weather had been nice, it would have been a lovely trip. It wasn’t. It was freezing, but dry. The last time I’d been to Wark, it was with Percy Main for an Alliance game in February 2008. We lost 7-2 in a game officiated by David Rathband, who was later to gain fame after being blinded by Raoul Moat. The main point of the game was the dismissal of our notoriously hot-headed defender Alan Ryder, who went berserk when Rathband mistakenly called him “Darren,” before seeing red on account of foul and abusive language. In response to his dismissal, Alan booted the ball into the River North Tyne then threw the corner flag like a javelin, embedding it in the door of the groundsman’s hut. Today wasn’t as bad as that.

I arrived around 12.15 to find the place deserted but could spy the sandwich tea in the clubhouse lounge. Eventually we all turned up, as did the opposition, United Stars. We started on time, blessed by skipper Richy Hay’s thoughtful idea of bringing us all hand warming crystals, that at least cut out the chance of hypothermia. On a field fringed by a herd of cows at long off, a gaggle of ewes and their spring progeny at cover point and the river at deep square leg, we bowled first and did quite well to restrict them to 168-9 on a day as cold and unforgiving as midwinter in a work house. Of course catching that total was a fond ask, and we subsided to 73-9, not even making a single batting point. My own contribution was a pugnacious 4-ball 0*. Despite the terrible climactic conditions, it was a great day, though it was too cold for pints and I headed home for a hot bath and an even hotter mug of cocoa.

Week 4: May 6^th

The start of May did not herald any advance in the playing fortunes of Tynemouth CC first XI, who travelled to Castle Eden for an NEPL game on Saturday morning, only for the fixture to be cancelled after the umpires deemed the sodden outfield to be too dangerous, despite the willingness of both captains to fulfil the fixture.

Tynemouth 2s had a more successful time of it, winning their double header against Sunderland. The Saturday saw the two teams contest a league fixture at Preston Avenue. The visitors batted first and were dismissed for 131 in 41 overs. The key bowling performance was Sam Robson’s 4-35, ably assisted by Neil Bennett (2-19) Dan Watt (2-26), with Barry Stewart and Dan Thorburn also taking a wicket each. In reply, Tynemouth achieved the runs required in 35 overs, for the loss of 6 wickets. The major contributions were by Dan Thorburn (51) and Patrick Hallam (40), building on his half century the week before. On Sunday, the teams met again at Ashbrooke in a Banks Bowl first round game. Tynemouth batted first, making 151 all out, before dismissing the home side for 94, to win decisively.

The Saturday 3s were also at home, to Newcastle 3s. Batting first, Tynemouth were dismissed for 77, with Adam Tugby (20) and James Walker (19) making the most significant contributions. In reply, Newcastle managed to secure the win, but at a loss of 7 wickets, showing Tynemouth kept at their task admirably. Shamsur Oraikhil (4-22) and skipper Richy Hay (3-21) both bowled superbly in another good performance by the 3s.

Next weekend, Tynemouth CC first XI host Chester le Street (11.30), while the 2s make the reverse journey to Ropery Lane for a noon start, while the Saturday 3s are away to Leadgate. The Sunday 3s will be hoping to belatedly start a season that has not seen them play at all as yet, when they travel to Philadelphia.

I knew I’d not be playing in this fixture when Richy sent me a message to alert me on the Tuesday. Obviously, I was disappointed, but I have to say this is another example of Richy’s excellent captaincy. He doesn’t just let you down; he keeps you informed and, even if I wasn’t playing, I still felt included and part of the team. That said, I decided it was my responsibility as Press Officer to head down to Castle Eden with Peter & Di Brown to see the firsts. Partly because I knew the way and could navigate and partly so I could take the pressure off Vince Howe of writing the report. In the end, Friday evening’s cloudburst and some overnight drizzle meant the game couldn’t be played, which was a real shame as it’s a very scenic spot. So, despite the wishes of the captains, the game was off, and I was headed back up through the tunnel, which gave me a chance to take in the Alliance D3 title decider between Benton and Hazlerigg at Churchill Playing Fields. I also saw a short bit of Corbridge 2s flaying Monkseaton 2s around the shop, but as this blog’s about cricket, I’ll not mention it further.

 

Week 5: May 13^th

Chester le Street 257-5; Tynemouth 177 all out.

Meanwhile, Tynemouth 2s made the reverse journey to Ropery Lane and lost a relatively low-scoring game by a margin of 24 runs. Bowling first, Tynemouth restricted Chester le Street to 153-9 from their 50 overs. Sam Robson (4-31), following on from his excellent form the week before, was the pick of the bowlers, ably supported by Shams Oraikhil (3-41) and the elegant James Carr (2-32). Unfortunately, Tynemouth were unable to reach the runs required, subsiding to 75-9 at one point, before a pugnacious 37 by James Carr, assisted by Martin Pollard (12*) brought some respectability to the score. The galling thing about Tynemouth’s 129 all out, is that the innings ended with 11 overs unused, which would have been telling with the margin of defeat being a relatively paltry 24 runs.

There was good news up in the hills at Leadgate, where Tynemouth 3s put in another spirited team performance to win by the relative comfortable margin of 35 runs. Batting first, the Tynemouth innings was lit up by a splendid, attacking 71 by Alfie Bowman. He was given ample support by fellow young tyros Hamish Swaddle-Scott (35) and Adam Tugby (14). Unfortunately, from a highly promising position of 140-4 at the halfway stage, the tail singularly failed to wag, as the innings faded to 155 all out after 34 overs. However, another fine performance with the ball, as well as excellent catches in the deep by both Bowman and Tugby, who also contributed a superbly thoughtful run out, saw Tynemouth through to their first win of the season. After opening spells of parsimonious accuracy by skipper Richy Hay and Paul Hurst, the damage was done by Dom Askins (4-27), Ed Snelders (3-42) and James Walker (2-19). Sadly, after a glorious Saturday afternoon, rain returned on Sunday to impose yet another wash-out on the Sunday 3s.

Next Saturday, Tynemouth 1s host Newcastle, while the 2s make the reverse trip, while the Saturday 3s make the short journey to Priors Park to play Lions. On Sunday, the 1s host Ashington in round 2 of the Banks Salver, while the Sunday 3s play host to Chester le Street Academy on the back pitch.

This was a good day. Having already worked out a journey plan that involved a lift from Fanta to Burnopfield and the X71 onwards to Leadgate (to the approval of Dan Storey), I managed to sort a lift from Paul Hurst (to the disgust of Dan Storey). It was a warm day at a massively improved cricket club, blessed by a large, good-natured crowd who’d arrived early to watch the Newcastle game and stayed on for more pints in the sunshine, whose changing facilities have had an amazing upgrade, where umpiring was a joy, even if I may have erroneously given Dom Askins out lbw, as we scored quickly and stylishly. Unfortunately, I didn’t contribute much, being bowled without scoring after facing 5 balls. As I was wearing my new lenses, I could actually see the ball, not that it made much difference to my performance. Indeed, it simply gave me a better view of the straightforward catch I put down off Ed at mid-on. The only excuse I have is that the journalist in me had already started to write the report before the ball reached me. Lesson learned eh?

Next week, as we’re at home, I’m fully expecting to be on the sidelines as some of our better players (as well as Dan Storey) are available. If I am, so what? I enjoy my trips out into the wilds of North West Durham and the Tyne Valley. I’ve already started planning my route on public transport to Annfield Plain for Saturday 27 May. It’s the X72 from Eldon Square to the Crown & Thistle, apparently….

The High Life

 April has been a decent month to be a Newcastle United fan -:

So, the last time I blogged about Newcastle United (http://payaso-de-mierda.blogspot.com/2023/03/smile.html), things were starting to look promising again, after the disappointment of the Carabao Cup final and a subsequent blip in form had been purged from the collective body politic by the back-to-back wins over Wolves and Forest. As we headed into the late March international break, there was tentative optimism in the air, though the busy April schedule was seen as being pivotal to the club’s eventual overall performance in 2022/2023. Now, 7 games, 6 wins, 22 goals and 15 points later, it seems an appropriate time to take stock and, though True Faith may not approve of positive thinking on account of it being “small minded,” celebrate what the team has achieved over the past month. Certainly, I must hold my hands up and acknowledge that Callum Wilson, who I had seen as being over the hill and unmotivated following his World Cup exploits, has struck back with a series of superb performances that clearly show him to be playing the best football in black and white, since he signed for the club.

Off the pitch, April began with the usual niggardly, point scoring, faux moral outrage on Wearside about the behaviour of former NUFC play Andy Ferrell. The lad who famously told Mick McCarthy that he would rather be a window cleaner than sign for the Mackems after being released by Newcastle, enjoyed a decent non-league career with Hereford of all teams, Gateshead and several Northern League outfits, most noticeable Bedlington Terriers. However, what he has really been noted for among the NUFC faithful over recent years, is running buses to away games from The Black Bull, now titled The Black & White Bull, on Barrack Road. Fez is a solid lad who loves his club, so when a bunch of Chelsea chancers showed up there before the game at the back end of November, him and his pals were not likely to accept such conduct without a frank exchange of opinions. Fists flew and social media footage went viral, causing Northumbria’s finest to build a case against Fez, that resulted in him getting banned from grounds up and down the country. An appeal is in process, but the red and white hypocrites, no doubt ignoring the light-fingered activities of the late Gary Breeds, who was one of their own, were calling for the kind of punishment that they are allegedly aghast about when it is meted out in Saudi Arabia, to be visited on Fez. Not only that, current Sunderland player Jack Diamond’s arrest on suspicion of rape has been described as a direct result of Diamond being a “boyhood Mag.” You simply cannot believe their logic, can you? At least Andy Ferrell has shown he loves his club.

Such activities did not detract from the on-pitch tactical masterclass that Eddie Howe schooled Ten Haag with. This could have been another 5-0, in all honesty, as Manchester United were simply outclassed from first whistle to last. If only Newcastle could have put in such a performance at Wembley a month earlier. Still, at least there was an even better 90 minutes to be enjoyed in the Capital only days later, as Howe’s team tore West Ham to pieces, winning 5-1 at the London Stadium. The supposed Achilles heel had been the team’s inability to finish more than a fraction of the chances that were being created. Certainly, that problem seemed a thing of the past as ruthless finishing punished West Ham’s inadequate defending. Not only that, but Schar’s pass to Joelinton to set up the second goal was sheer poetry incarnate. On a night when everything we hit went in, every player shone outstandingly as the Irons were massacred.

Comments about the Brentford game are based upon highlights only as, astonishingly, this was Newcastle United’s first Saturday 3pm kick off of 2023 and, consequently, by definition the first one not to be broadcast live on television. I was at Heddon United 0 Hazlerigg Victory 3 that afternoon, while following events on my phone. Before the break, this appeared to consist of Ivan Toney attempting to singlehandedly wreak retribution on Newcastle for selling him for only £600k. It is shocking to reflect on how much trust fans put in the fat charlatan Benitez, who exchanged Toney’s breath-taking promise for the appalling Muto, who arrived for an eye-watering £11m. Suffice to say, nobody is singing El Fraudo’s name these days, while Howe is righteously praised to high heaven. He showed why today, by making changes at the break that meant another tactical masterclass took the points back north with the team. Whatever floppy haired gonk Thomas Frank has to say, any team with Alexander Isak in it has a strong chance of winning, regardless of what the opposition throw at them. Incidentally, I think Brentford’s ground just shades Spurs in being the top flight venue I’m keenest to visit.

Villa Park is a nice ground; steeped in history with a palpable sense of tradition, it is home to one of the greatest of all English clubs. Currently, Aston Villa boast an excellent manager in Unai Emery and a fine squad of talented players, as well as Tyrone Mings of course. The truly unfortunate thing is that their supporters are down among the dregs of humanity with Everton and the Mackems. I’m not just saying this to be wise after the event, but I had a bad feeling about this game all week leading up to it. After our great run, I suppose it was inevitable we’d come a cropper at some point and, in many ways, it is far better to be thumped 3-0 in one game than lose 3 narrowly by a single goal. Still, at least there was good news from Easter Road, when the High Bees put the Gorgie Filth in their place. Incidentally, I didn’t get to see this one. The cricket season ought to have started, but it was postponed on account of abysmal weather, so I had the joys of a trip to the opticians and then an interminable wait for a bus up to Coach Lane for a highly enjoyable Alliance encounter that finished Newcastle Independent 3 Percy Main 3. That said, I had more of a laugh later on, from checking #NUFC Twitter, where a Reverend Jim Jones style death cult appears every time, we fail to win a game. Although, and this is truly amazing, there was a huge groundswell of gracious dignified praise for Aston Villa. For their manager, for their players, though not for their fans.

 

If you want to contrast Aston Villa with any team, try Tottenham Hotspur, the crash test dummies of the Premier League. No matter who manages them, no matter who plays for them; Spurs are genetically predisposed to display cowardice and incompetence as regular as clockwork. Remember the Spurs sides who collapsed 7-1 in 96, 6-1 in 99, 4-0 in 03 and 5-1 when we’d already been relegated in 16? Their descendants outdid even those clowns by finding themselves 5-0 down after 21 minutes. Alright, let’s be honest; this is not the time for false modesty. Newcastle were outstanding. This team is unquestionably better than any of the sides Bobby Robson assembled and only a fraction behind Keegan’s Entertainers, as well as almost certain to get better as time goes on. It doesn’t matter if the opposition are so craven and incompetent as to appear set on emulating Sheffield Wednesday in 1999 or Newport County in 1946, we must accept Joelinton, Murphy, Willock and Sean performed at a level none of us thought they were capable of, even a year ago. Who knows how long Bruno, Isak and Botman will remain on Tyneside; whatever the time frame, we need to lap up every second of the cream this talent provides for us. Willock’s assist to Isak actually outdid Schar to Joelinton at West Ham. It was that good. Actually, it wasn’t good; it was perfection. Both in terms of number and quality, the goals we scored today utterly justified Murphy’s open-mouthed incredulity.

Following this evisceration, the Newcastle bandwagon moved on to Goodison Park on the Thursday. There have been so many games in such a short period of time that it has been difficult to keep abreast of developments. For this game, Shelley and I had booked tickets at Whitley Bay’s Jam Jar Cinema to see National Theatre Live’s performance of CP Taylor’s Good, with David Tenant in the lead role. I was very keen on seeing this play for a number of reasons. Firstly, I’d never been to the Jam Jar Cinema before and, while it certainly isn’t cheap, it’s an excellent spot that I’d recommend to anyone, being comfortable, spacious and relaxed. Secondly, Tenant is a wonderful actor and he turned in a virtuoso performance as an intellectual in 1930s Germany, who deludes himself that becoming a Nazi collaborator is the best thing for him to do, to protect his family. His arrogance and lack of conscience is honestly chilling to see. Finally, having grown up with CP Taylor’s children Avram and Clare during my early teenage revolutionary days, I have always tried to see revivals of his plays. This was the best I’ve seen, at a venue Shelley and I will certainly return to, hopefully to see further productions by National Theatre Live.

I did cheat and have Live Scores updating me on events at Goodison, you’ll not be surprised to learn. Having been worried, following death threats posted to Anthony Gordon, that there would be large-scale disorder, I was relieved to see it was only Magpie magnificence that was grabbing the headlines at full time. Walking in the pub at the final whistle, the tumultuous applause was clearly for the team’s performance and not our arrival. Seeing Isak’s assist for the final goal, I understood why. This lad is shaping up to be a combination of the best bits of Ibrahimovich meets Asprilla and he put in another fine shift on the left in the second half against Southampton when we came from behind, to win again.

 

I’d secured a couple of tickets for this one, via my pal John McQuaid, so it meant they landed on the mat via County Kildare. Sadly, my original plan to take Shelley was derailed at the two seats weren’t together, so Ben got the chance to go instead. The fact there were in Level 7 was a bit of a punishing factor, as the unforgiving presence of lactic acid in my calves and lower back after playing cricket the day before, made it one hell of a slog up those 187 steps into the sky. It gave me a hell of a good view of Howe’s tactics that clearly involved giving Gordon the ball at every opportunity. The lad could have scored twice and almost set up Bruno but faded from the game when put out on the right and it was no surprise when he went off for Wilson at the break. It was a surprise we were losing, though Southampton could have gone ahead after 30 seconds. However, I had full faith we would turn things around.

As I said earlier on, Wilson is playing the best football of his career for us and he ought to have had a hat trick here; two great finishes, another one chalked off and a booming effort that hit the bar twice showed just what he was about. Walcott’s OG reminded me that he hasn’t retired as yet and Southampton, decent footballing side though they are, seem certain to be relegated, which is a shame. Not least because they’re now the only team we’ve ever beaten 4 times in one season. This was a great and inevitable win, enjoyed from a seat in the clouds.

Next, we face Arsenal on Sunday. By then there will have been 9 other Premier League games and Liverpool may be 6 points closer to us. This does not matter. We need to enjoy the ride and do our best. If Arsenal goes against us, then we can pick up points at Leeds, then home to Brighton and Leicester. Let’s keep enjoying the high life.