What? Another Year!!

The North East non-league season is over. As ever, the Northern Alliance proved itself to be the greatest football competition on earth -:

The last non-league game involving a north east team during the 2022-2023 season, was the Gateshead v Halifax FA Trophy final at Wembley on Sunday 21^st May. Frankly, it was shit. Halifax were marginally less awful and probably deserved their win, courtesy of a spawny deflected goal, but what the whole sorry non-event showed me was that the idea of allowing players to end their competitive season on 29^th April and then expecting them to maintain sharpness, match fitness and the will to win after 3 aimless weeks of phoney war, is an absolute joke. Both teams and both sets of fans deserved to be treated with more compassion and support than they were. The FA need to look at the scheduling of this event in future. However, looking at how the season played out, there is no doubt in my mind that Mike Williamson is second only to Eddie Howe in the North East Manager of the Year awards, as he has done an amazing job at the International Stadium, keeping up a side who were bottom at New Year in the division because of a sparkling run of form that saw them not only getting to Wembley, but finishing almost halfway up the division, in their first campaign after promotion. As ever, I didn’t see much of The Heed, mainly on account of the prohibitive pricing for home games, but the 2-2 draw with York I took in on 2^nd January, which they ought to have won by a canter, saw a side keen on playing it on the floor, doing things the right way, and utterly unified with their fans, stamping their right to be taken seriously as Tyneside’s second team. More power to their elbow and here’s hoping for, at least, consolidation next time around.

Stepping down a level, Spennymoor and Darlington seem to have had decent campaigns, ending the year 8^th and 9^th respectively in National League North, though Blyth Spartans, as ever, did things the hard way and only managed to stay up with a 5-0 win over Hereford, of all teams, on the last day of the season. Their eventual 17^th place finish has still not been enough to pacify a notoriously grumpy fanbase who, in the wake of a Northumberland Senior Cup final loss to Morpeth Town, are still calling for manager Graham Fenton’s head, on account of the fact they’re the most famous non-league side in the world because they reached the quarter finals of the FA Cup in 1978, or something. Rumours of Fenton’s potential decampment to Darlington still persist. Next season Fenton’s former side South Shields will be on-field rivals, having finally won the Northern Premier League. The eternally popular Kevin Phillips has successfully completed his PR rather than coaching job, got a nice tick for his CV and cleared his desk in search of bigger bucks elsewhere, allowing Julio Arca, a stalwart of the Mariners from their Northern League days, to take over. This just might be a very astute appointment. Good luck to them and especially their lifelong fan, my old pal John Melville. Sadly, their ground makes me feel too claustrophobic I must admit, so I’ll probably not be there in person.

In the Northern Premier League, Morpeth will be only north east representatives next season, with their nearest rivals being Markse United, about 60 miles to the south. Spurred on by the fanatical support of the Shunyata Ultras, The Dandy Highwaymen achieved 17^th spot in the league, after looking in some peril for much of the campaign but ended proceedings in a positive frame of my mind by, as has already been mentioned, securing the Northumberland FA Senior Cup at St James Park. Down below, the Northern Premier League East continues to metamorphose into a post-graduate Northern League. Stockton Town finished second but lost in the play-off final. Hebburn were third, having lost in the play-off semi. Dunston were sixth and my pal Tony Fawcett secured 13^th spot for Consett. Unfortunately, Shildon had a nightmare season, finished 19^th and were relegated back to the Northern League.

Strangest of all was the fate of North Shields. Promoted to great acclaim last summer, they singularly failed to do a single item on the list of compulsory ground developments they were required to do to cement their status at a higher level, pleading poverty on the back of a humiliatingly poorly subscribed Just Giving campaign. Then, having finished a highly creditable 7^th in the division, they announced after failing their ground grading inspection, that a generous donation was now in place to enable the belated completion of the work, even if not a spade had been turned to bring the ground up to scratch at that point. Unsurprisingly, the FA dismissed their appeal out of hand and the Robins are now back in Northern League Division 1, where some of their more media savvy followers will no doubt pick up the baton of freeloading unctuousness from the Wansbeck paparazzi now Ashington have been rightfully promoted. For Shields, their difficulties now begin in earnest, with the departure of Marc Nash as manager and his replacement by the relatively inexperienced, but fabulously wealthy Dan Iredale, who has a modest track record, at best, from his days in charge of Cullercoats and then Ryton & Crawcrook Albion.

Elsewhere in the Northern League, Newton Aycliffe were the surprise League Champions, Pickering Town have been laterally transferred after a difficult debut campaign, to the more geographically congenial Northern Counties East Premier, saving Sunderland RCA from relegation to Division 2, and poor old Willington have plummeted into the Wearside League, after a nightmare season in the second division. In their place, bringing the league back to a 20:22 split, we see the arrivals of FC Hartlepool, from the Wearside League, Newcastle Blue Star, who finally achieved their dream of winning the Alliance and North Riding representatives Yarm & Eaglescliffe, who groundshare at Billingham Town. That’ll be one new ground for me to visit, the Grayfields enclosure, or possibly 3 if Boro Rangers and Chester le Street United finally get their planned, functional 4G cages in working order. Whoopee eh?

As ever, the Northern Alliance proved itself to be the greatest football competition on earth during 2022-2023, maintaining 4 thoroughly sporting divisions at a highly praiseworthy standard, with almost every club being a credit to the league, other than the unnecessary on-line gloating from Newcastle Independent, who have form for this sort of thing, after beating Blue Star, Premier Champions and Challenge Cup winners it should be noted, in the NFA Bowl.

While we know for certain Blue Star have been promoted, nobody has been relegated from the Northern League to replace them. Indeed, the actual composition of the Alliance for 2023-2024 will not be known until after the AGM in early June. During the season just ended, Red House Farm and Seaton Sluice resigned from Division 2, leaving it to run 2 clubs short, and Division 3 started with only 15 at the outset, followed by the rapid disappearance of West Moor & Jesmond Under 23s after a chastening 20-0 lacing at the hands of Wallsend Boys Club Under 23s. Hence, such anomalies will need to be addressed by admitting several new applicants, names TBC. There are, of course, rumours about who has called it a day, but with the exception of Stocksfield who have gone public over their departure from Saturday competitive football, it is well to be wary of idle speculation and just deal with facts. As regards cup successes, congratulations go to Alnwick Town for seeing off Burradon & New Fordley in the George Dobbins Cup and to Newcastle University A who recreated a day at the Roman Coliseum in their 7-1 evisceration of North Shields Community Christians in the Northumberland FA Minor Cup.

Looking at the divisions outside the top flight, I was delighted to see my old pal Mark Bullock continue his sterling renaissance of the fortunes of Hazlerigg Victory FC in Division 3. As work continues on the redevelopment of their home ground, they first won the Neville Cowey Cup in remarkable circumstances on May Day Monday morning, turning round a 3-0 half time deficit against Ashington Reserves, winning 4-3 in injury time, before following this up with the divisional title. Their final league game, on Saturday 6^th May, saw then away to long time leaders Benton, at Churchill Playing Fields. Having already been down to Castle Eden, only to find Tynemouth’s NEPL game abandoned without a ball bowled on account of an unsafe bog of an outfield, I was delighted to take in this game, especially when the afternoon came over all sunny and warm.

Hezzy, Benton and Alnwick Town Development, away to fourth placed Amble in a local derby, were separated by a single point and only a single goal before kick-off. The agreement was that no side would tweet developments in case it unduly affected the outcome because of potentially duff information seeping into the public domain. In any case, Hezzy were leaving nothing to chance and were on it like a famished dog with an untrimmed shin bone, from kick off. Benton, of whom I’d heard good things, were blown away by the pace, accuracy and determination of the visitors. It was 3-0 at half time and 6-0 by the final whistle, bolstered by a hideous keeper error and a pair of penalties. It was just what Hezzy deserved. I wish them, Benton and Alnwick, who lost 4-1 at Amble, all the best for next season.

Next up, on the Monday 8^th May Bank Holiday, was the Bill Gardner Cup Final at Percy Main between Division 2 Morpeth FC and Division 3 Wallsend Boys Club Under 23s. The week before, I’d missed seeing Newcastle East End’s thrilling comeback win against West Moor and Jesmond at the same venue in the Combination Cup, so I was determined not to regret missing this one. One a day so wet every other non-league local game was called off for waterlogged pitches, my only regret was not wearing stouter shoes as the heavens opened overnight and kept pouring throughout the following day. This meant a substantial crowd tried to cower under the cover in front of the pavilion. Considering Morpeth’s core support seemed to consist of bulky middle aged, middle class women in long padded coats whining about the lack of parking spaces for their Land Rovers, my executive decision to stand in the falling rain was a sound one. Morpeth’s front two, the sons of Trevor Benjamin and Archie Gourley, in point of fact, were the best players on the park and Wallsend did well to hold them to 1-0 at the break. The further torrential downpour hampered the game as a spectacle in the latter stages, but Morpeth got what they deserved with a late second, despite their twisty fans and moany hangers-on. Trevor Benjamin is a lovely bloke incidentally.

Elsewhere in Division 2, Ponteland United Reserves won the title with much to spare, while Newcastle University A augmented their Minor Cup success with the runners up spot and North Sunderland captured the divisional Amateur Cup. Division 2 was so tight that the final day’s games on Saturday 13th May began with the bottom 8 clubs all in danger of finishing in the last two places. Stick that in your Premier League Survival Sunday pipe and smoke it.

This tight situation was partly brought about by results on Wednesday 10^th May, when I took in Newcastle Chemfica Amateurs 2 Whitley Bay Sporting Club 1, in the company of my pal and fellow keeper Peter Holland, with Newcastle University 2 Blyth Town Under 23s 1 happening in the distance. It wasn’t a great game, but I’ve a strong affection for Chemfica Amateurs and I was delighted they won this, scoring their opener simultaneous to the University scoring on an adjacent pitch. It got to 2-0 at half time and Peter, who does his bit as a keeper coach, decided he’d be better as a daddy coach and put the bairns to bed. Leaving early, he missed Whitley swapping their keeper with an outfield player, sticking him up front and seeing him make it 2-1 about 10 minutes into injury time. Blyth made the score the same in their game with a last second penalty and I reflected how good it is that such facilities are well used by local footballers. The football may be brutal at times, but the game is still beautiful, though I doubt anyone other than me was sat at their kitchen table, nervously refreshing Twitter for other Northern Alliance Division 2 scores that night.

Division 1 sees Stobswood Welfare and West Moor & Jesmond promoted; two former Tyneside Amateur League teams of course and I’m delighted they’ve done so well. With the title already won by Stobby, the two teams met in the final game of season at West Moor, on Wednesday 17 May. Obviously I was there, with Ben and my mate John, over from Ireland for the Newcastle v Brighton game. There wasn’t much at stake, as West Moor played fringe players, a striker in nets and the joint managers up top. Stobby won 3-1. Everyone had a laugh and shook hands when it was over, as the curtain came down on another wonderful campaign in the best league on earth. Thanks to every single player, official, volunteer and supporter of the 32 Alliance clubs I’ve seen this season. You have made an old man very happy on a regular basis.

Incidentally, sunderland didn’t get promoted.

Slow Starters

 Theoretically, we've already had 5 weeks of the 2023 cricket season....

Week 1: April 15^th

All games postponed until later in the season, date to be confirmed, on account of bad weather.

Week 2: April 22^nd

All games cancelled due to rain.

I was delighted to be selected for Tynemouth 3s, especially as I’m now a full fee-paying member (at the insistence of Dan Storey), for the home clash with Civil Service. Unfortunately, the incessant rain that arrived on Friday morning and didn’t relent until Sunday afternoon, meant that the chances of a game were virtually non-existent. Obviously I turned up at the club, had a coffee and caught up with some of the lads who, in many instances, I’d not seen since last September, ready to hear the inevitable bad news of play being abandoned, which came just after noon. A quick series of farewells and a taxi back to Shelley’s then saw me cycle down to High Flatworth to watch Willington Quay Saints 0 Alnwick Town 2 in the Northern Alliance George Dobbins League Cup semi-final, so the day wasn’t a complete write-off.

Week 3: April 29^th

Tynemouth Cricket Club’s 2023 season finally got underway at the weekend after several previous fixtures had to be cancelled because of rain and saturated grounds. Two games were played at home. On Saturday they lost to Felling in a League match and on Monday they beat Eppleton in the Banks Salver Cup. Both games were played in cold and damp conditions on a used wicket which made run scoring difficult especially for the side batting first.

Saturday saw the visit of Felling to Preston Avenue and as spectators looked for extra layers and warmed themselves with cups of hot tea and coffee, Tynemouth Captain Matt Brown had the misfortune to call wrong at the toss and not surprisingly his team were put in to bat. Ben Debnam opened up with Matthew Kimmitt. Both struggled against the moving ball and low bounce and were quickly dismissed by Elliott Fox bowling from the Rugby Stand end. Worse was to follow for Tynemouth as the excellent Seb Allison joined forces with the experienced Felling skipper Paul Leonard to blow away the Tynemouth top and middle order. At one stage the home side had been reduced to a remarkable 22/7 however Tshepo Ntuli and Andrew Smith battled hard and played with a lot of common sense as the wicket began to ease. Their 31 run partnership steadied the ship a touch but in truth she was already on the rocks and when Smith was adjudged lbw to Leonard the innings was wrapped up quickly with a total of just 61 on the board. Ntuli remained not out on 24.

Michael Booth, on debut for Tynemouth, impressed with his pacy first spell getting the prized wicket of Middlesex player Joe Cracknell, bowled second ball and when Ntuli had South African Travis Norris stumped by Stuart Poynter for just 9 there was just a flicker of hope. However the pitch was becoming easier to bat on and the outfield a bit drier, which allowed Andrew Whaits to play the one positive innings of the day with a fine 41 made off just 57 balls. New Professional Ntuli’s short spell showed promise for the future with his flighted off spin finding turn and bounce, but this game was effectively over after just an hour, having waited 3 weeks to get started.!!!

On Monday a weakened Eppleton side were the visitors to Preston Avenue and Dean Musther’s men could only muster 88 batting first. Dan McGee impressed with 3 wickets and the rest were shared around. In reply Tynemouth chased the score down comfortably in just 11 overs. Matt Kimmitt with 40 and Joe Snowdon with 34 were both undefeated at the end having shared a fine partnership of 76. Tynemouth will host Ashington in the next round on Sunday 21st May.

On Saturday, Tynemouth 2s paid a visit to their counterparts from Felling, edging a close game by a margin of 2 wickets. Felling batted first, making 217 all out from 46 overs, with skipper Graham Wright (71) anchoring the innings. For Tynemouth, James Carr was a central figure, claiming an excellent 4-30 from his 10 overs.  The other wickets were shared between Neil Bennett (2-42), Sam Robson (2-47), Josh Koen (1-37) and Andrew Davison (1-47). In the response, Barry Stewart top scored with 112, ably assisted by Patrick Hallam (51), but in the absence of other significant contributions, it was left to Graham Hallam (16*) to help ease the home team over the line.

Tynemouth 3s were handed their longest trip of the season to Wark, to play newly promoted United Stars. It was a tough ask and Richard Hay’s team bowled and fielded creditably to limit the expansive home side to 168/9 from their 40 overs. Credit goes to bowlers both young, James Walker (3-38), old, Ed Snelders (3-40) and in-between, Dan Storey (2-34), for their efforts. The fear was always that a lack of batting would by the 3s undoing and so it was; with only 10 players, the 3s amassed a total of 73/9, to lose by 95 runs. Top scorer Shams (28) had a fine debut, picking up an excellent caught and bowled when United Stars batted.

Next weekend, Tynemouth CC first XI travel to Castle Eden for an 11.30 start, while the 2s host their Sunderland counterparts at 12.00, who they play again on Sunday at Ashbrooke in a Banks Bowl tie that begins at 1.30, while the Saturday 3s host Newcastle 3s at 1.00.

Another call-up for the 3s saw me travel, partly by public transport (at the insistence of Dan Storey), to the frozen uplands of the Tyne Valley. While we’d assembled almost a full team, getting us all there was a more complicated problem. Being partly comprised of young lads, the paucity of driving licences, never mind motor vehicles, was a significant issue. I stepped up to the plate by poncing a lift from Steve Mordue, who was standing at Tynedale, then taking the rural 680 service to Bellingham, to hop off at Wark. If the weather had been nice, it would have been a lovely trip. It wasn’t. It was freezing, but dry. The last time I’d been to Wark, it was with Percy Main for an Alliance game in February 2008. We lost 7-2 in a game officiated by David Rathband, who was later to gain fame after being blinded by Raoul Moat. The main point of the game was the dismissal of our notoriously hot-headed defender Alan Ryder, who went berserk when Rathband mistakenly called him “Darren,” before seeing red on account of foul and abusive language. In response to his dismissal, Alan booted the ball into the River North Tyne then threw the corner flag like a javelin, embedding it in the door of the groundsman’s hut. Today wasn’t as bad as that.

I arrived around 12.15 to find the place deserted but could spy the sandwich tea in the clubhouse lounge. Eventually we all turned up, as did the opposition, United Stars. We started on time, blessed by skipper Richy Hay’s thoughtful idea of bringing us all hand warming crystals, that at least cut out the chance of hypothermia. On a field fringed by a herd of cows at long off, a gaggle of ewes and their spring progeny at cover point and the river at deep square leg, we bowled first and did quite well to restrict them to 168-9 on a day as cold and unforgiving as midwinter in a work house. Of course catching that total was a fond ask, and we subsided to 73-9, not even making a single batting point. My own contribution was a pugnacious 4-ball 0*. Despite the terrible climactic conditions, it was a great day, though it was too cold for pints and I headed home for a hot bath and an even hotter mug of cocoa.

Week 4: May 6^th

The start of May did not herald any advance in the playing fortunes of Tynemouth CC first XI, who travelled to Castle Eden for an NEPL game on Saturday morning, only for the fixture to be cancelled after the umpires deemed the sodden outfield to be too dangerous, despite the willingness of both captains to fulfil the fixture.

Tynemouth 2s had a more successful time of it, winning their double header against Sunderland. The Saturday saw the two teams contest a league fixture at Preston Avenue. The visitors batted first and were dismissed for 131 in 41 overs. The key bowling performance was Sam Robson’s 4-35, ably assisted by Neil Bennett (2-19) Dan Watt (2-26), with Barry Stewart and Dan Thorburn also taking a wicket each. In reply, Tynemouth achieved the runs required in 35 overs, for the loss of 6 wickets. The major contributions were by Dan Thorburn (51) and Patrick Hallam (40), building on his half century the week before. On Sunday, the teams met again at Ashbrooke in a Banks Bowl first round game. Tynemouth batted first, making 151 all out, before dismissing the home side for 94, to win decisively.

The Saturday 3s were also at home, to Newcastle 3s. Batting first, Tynemouth were dismissed for 77, with Adam Tugby (20) and James Walker (19) making the most significant contributions. In reply, Newcastle managed to secure the win, but at a loss of 7 wickets, showing Tynemouth kept at their task admirably. Shamsur Oraikhil (4-22) and skipper Richy Hay (3-21) both bowled superbly in another good performance by the 3s.

Next weekend, Tynemouth CC first XI host Chester le Street (11.30), while the 2s make the reverse journey to Ropery Lane for a noon start, while the Saturday 3s are away to Leadgate. The Sunday 3s will be hoping to belatedly start a season that has not seen them play at all as yet, when they travel to Philadelphia.

I knew I’d not be playing in this fixture when Richy sent me a message to alert me on the Tuesday. Obviously, I was disappointed, but I have to say this is another example of Richy’s excellent captaincy. He doesn’t just let you down; he keeps you informed and, even if I wasn’t playing, I still felt included and part of the team. That said, I decided it was my responsibility as Press Officer to head down to Castle Eden with Peter & Di Brown to see the firsts. Partly because I knew the way and could navigate and partly so I could take the pressure off Vince Howe of writing the report. In the end, Friday evening’s cloudburst and some overnight drizzle meant the game couldn’t be played, which was a real shame as it’s a very scenic spot. So, despite the wishes of the captains, the game was off, and I was headed back up through the tunnel, which gave me a chance to take in the Alliance D3 title decider between Benton and Hazlerigg at Churchill Playing Fields. I also saw a short bit of Corbridge 2s flaying Monkseaton 2s around the shop, but as this blog’s about cricket, I’ll not mention it further.

 

Week 5: May 13^th

Chester le Street 257-5; Tynemouth 177 all out.

Meanwhile, Tynemouth 2s made the reverse journey to Ropery Lane and lost a relatively low-scoring game by a margin of 24 runs. Bowling first, Tynemouth restricted Chester le Street to 153-9 from their 50 overs. Sam Robson (4-31), following on from his excellent form the week before, was the pick of the bowlers, ably supported by Shams Oraikhil (3-41) and the elegant James Carr (2-32). Unfortunately, Tynemouth were unable to reach the runs required, subsiding to 75-9 at one point, before a pugnacious 37 by James Carr, assisted by Martin Pollard (12*) brought some respectability to the score. The galling thing about Tynemouth’s 129 all out, is that the innings ended with 11 overs unused, which would have been telling with the margin of defeat being a relatively paltry 24 runs.

There was good news up in the hills at Leadgate, where Tynemouth 3s put in another spirited team performance to win by the relative comfortable margin of 35 runs. Batting first, the Tynemouth innings was lit up by a splendid, attacking 71 by Alfie Bowman. He was given ample support by fellow young tyros Hamish Swaddle-Scott (35) and Adam Tugby (14). Unfortunately, from a highly promising position of 140-4 at the halfway stage, the tail singularly failed to wag, as the innings faded to 155 all out after 34 overs. However, another fine performance with the ball, as well as excellent catches in the deep by both Bowman and Tugby, who also contributed a superbly thoughtful run out, saw Tynemouth through to their first win of the season. After opening spells of parsimonious accuracy by skipper Richy Hay and Paul Hurst, the damage was done by Dom Askins (4-27), Ed Snelders (3-42) and James Walker (2-19). Sadly, after a glorious Saturday afternoon, rain returned on Sunday to impose yet another wash-out on the Sunday 3s.

Next Saturday, Tynemouth 1s host Newcastle, while the 2s make the reverse trip, while the Saturday 3s make the short journey to Priors Park to play Lions. On Sunday, the 1s host Ashington in round 2 of the Banks Salver, while the Sunday 3s play host to Chester le Street Academy on the back pitch.

This was a good day. Having already worked out a journey plan that involved a lift from Fanta to Burnopfield and the X71 onwards to Leadgate (to the approval of Dan Storey), I managed to sort a lift from Paul Hurst (to the disgust of Dan Storey). It was a warm day at a massively improved cricket club, blessed by a large, good-natured crowd who’d arrived early to watch the Newcastle game and stayed on for more pints in the sunshine, whose changing facilities have had an amazing upgrade, where umpiring was a joy, even if I may have erroneously given Dom Askins out lbw, as we scored quickly and stylishly. Unfortunately, I didn’t contribute much, being bowled without scoring after facing 5 balls. As I was wearing my new lenses, I could actually see the ball, not that it made much difference to my performance. Indeed, it simply gave me a better view of the straightforward catch I put down off Ed at mid-on. The only excuse I have is that the journalist in me had already started to write the report before the ball reached me. Lesson learned eh?

Next week, as we’re at home, I’m fully expecting to be on the sidelines as some of our better players (as well as Dan Storey) are available. If I am, so what? I enjoy my trips out into the wilds of North West Durham and the Tyne Valley. I’ve already started planning my route on public transport to Annfield Plain for Saturday 27 May. It’s the X72 from Eldon Square to the Crown & Thistle, apparently….

The High Life

 April has been a decent month to be a Newcastle United fan -:

So, the last time I blogged about Newcastle United (http://payaso-de-mierda.blogspot.com/2023/03/smile.html), things were starting to look promising again, after the disappointment of the Carabao Cup final and a subsequent blip in form had been purged from the collective body politic by the back-to-back wins over Wolves and Forest. As we headed into the late March international break, there was tentative optimism in the air, though the busy April schedule was seen as being pivotal to the club’s eventual overall performance in 2022/2023. Now, 7 games, 6 wins, 22 goals and 15 points later, it seems an appropriate time to take stock and, though True Faith may not approve of positive thinking on account of it being “small minded,” celebrate what the team has achieved over the past month. Certainly, I must hold my hands up and acknowledge that Callum Wilson, who I had seen as being over the hill and unmotivated following his World Cup exploits, has struck back with a series of superb performances that clearly show him to be playing the best football in black and white, since he signed for the club.

Off the pitch, April began with the usual niggardly, point scoring, faux moral outrage on Wearside about the behaviour of former NUFC play Andy Ferrell. The lad who famously told Mick McCarthy that he would rather be a window cleaner than sign for the Mackems after being released by Newcastle, enjoyed a decent non-league career with Hereford of all teams, Gateshead and several Northern League outfits, most noticeable Bedlington Terriers. However, what he has really been noted for among the NUFC faithful over recent years, is running buses to away games from The Black Bull, now titled The Black & White Bull, on Barrack Road. Fez is a solid lad who loves his club, so when a bunch of Chelsea chancers showed up there before the game at the back end of November, him and his pals were not likely to accept such conduct without a frank exchange of opinions. Fists flew and social media footage went viral, causing Northumbria’s finest to build a case against Fez, that resulted in him getting banned from grounds up and down the country. An appeal is in process, but the red and white hypocrites, no doubt ignoring the light-fingered activities of the late Gary Breeds, who was one of their own, were calling for the kind of punishment that they are allegedly aghast about when it is meted out in Saudi Arabia, to be visited on Fez. Not only that, current Sunderland player Jack Diamond’s arrest on suspicion of rape has been described as a direct result of Diamond being a “boyhood Mag.” You simply cannot believe their logic, can you? At least Andy Ferrell has shown he loves his club.

Such activities did not detract from the on-pitch tactical masterclass that Eddie Howe schooled Ten Haag with. This could have been another 5-0, in all honesty, as Manchester United were simply outclassed from first whistle to last. If only Newcastle could have put in such a performance at Wembley a month earlier. Still, at least there was an even better 90 minutes to be enjoyed in the Capital only days later, as Howe’s team tore West Ham to pieces, winning 5-1 at the London Stadium. The supposed Achilles heel had been the team’s inability to finish more than a fraction of the chances that were being created. Certainly, that problem seemed a thing of the past as ruthless finishing punished West Ham’s inadequate defending. Not only that, but Schar’s pass to Joelinton to set up the second goal was sheer poetry incarnate. On a night when everything we hit went in, every player shone outstandingly as the Irons were massacred.

Comments about the Brentford game are based upon highlights only as, astonishingly, this was Newcastle United’s first Saturday 3pm kick off of 2023 and, consequently, by definition the first one not to be broadcast live on television. I was at Heddon United 0 Hazlerigg Victory 3 that afternoon, while following events on my phone. Before the break, this appeared to consist of Ivan Toney attempting to singlehandedly wreak retribution on Newcastle for selling him for only £600k. It is shocking to reflect on how much trust fans put in the fat charlatan Benitez, who exchanged Toney’s breath-taking promise for the appalling Muto, who arrived for an eye-watering £11m. Suffice to say, nobody is singing El Fraudo’s name these days, while Howe is righteously praised to high heaven. He showed why today, by making changes at the break that meant another tactical masterclass took the points back north with the team. Whatever floppy haired gonk Thomas Frank has to say, any team with Alexander Isak in it has a strong chance of winning, regardless of what the opposition throw at them. Incidentally, I think Brentford’s ground just shades Spurs in being the top flight venue I’m keenest to visit.

Villa Park is a nice ground; steeped in history with a palpable sense of tradition, it is home to one of the greatest of all English clubs. Currently, Aston Villa boast an excellent manager in Unai Emery and a fine squad of talented players, as well as Tyrone Mings of course. The truly unfortunate thing is that their supporters are down among the dregs of humanity with Everton and the Mackems. I’m not just saying this to be wise after the event, but I had a bad feeling about this game all week leading up to it. After our great run, I suppose it was inevitable we’d come a cropper at some point and, in many ways, it is far better to be thumped 3-0 in one game than lose 3 narrowly by a single goal. Still, at least there was good news from Easter Road, when the High Bees put the Gorgie Filth in their place. Incidentally, I didn’t get to see this one. The cricket season ought to have started, but it was postponed on account of abysmal weather, so I had the joys of a trip to the opticians and then an interminable wait for a bus up to Coach Lane for a highly enjoyable Alliance encounter that finished Newcastle Independent 3 Percy Main 3. That said, I had more of a laugh later on, from checking #NUFC Twitter, where a Reverend Jim Jones style death cult appears every time, we fail to win a game. Although, and this is truly amazing, there was a huge groundswell of gracious dignified praise for Aston Villa. For their manager, for their players, though not for their fans.

 

If you want to contrast Aston Villa with any team, try Tottenham Hotspur, the crash test dummies of the Premier League. No matter who manages them, no matter who plays for them; Spurs are genetically predisposed to display cowardice and incompetence as regular as clockwork. Remember the Spurs sides who collapsed 7-1 in 96, 6-1 in 99, 4-0 in 03 and 5-1 when we’d already been relegated in 16? Their descendants outdid even those clowns by finding themselves 5-0 down after 21 minutes. Alright, let’s be honest; this is not the time for false modesty. Newcastle were outstanding. This team is unquestionably better than any of the sides Bobby Robson assembled and only a fraction behind Keegan’s Entertainers, as well as almost certain to get better as time goes on. It doesn’t matter if the opposition are so craven and incompetent as to appear set on emulating Sheffield Wednesday in 1999 or Newport County in 1946, we must accept Joelinton, Murphy, Willock and Sean performed at a level none of us thought they were capable of, even a year ago. Who knows how long Bruno, Isak and Botman will remain on Tyneside; whatever the time frame, we need to lap up every second of the cream this talent provides for us. Willock’s assist to Isak actually outdid Schar to Joelinton at West Ham. It was that good. Actually, it wasn’t good; it was perfection. Both in terms of number and quality, the goals we scored today utterly justified Murphy’s open-mouthed incredulity.

Following this evisceration, the Newcastle bandwagon moved on to Goodison Park on the Thursday. There have been so many games in such a short period of time that it has been difficult to keep abreast of developments. For this game, Shelley and I had booked tickets at Whitley Bay’s Jam Jar Cinema to see National Theatre Live’s performance of CP Taylor’s Good, with David Tenant in the lead role. I was very keen on seeing this play for a number of reasons. Firstly, I’d never been to the Jam Jar Cinema before and, while it certainly isn’t cheap, it’s an excellent spot that I’d recommend to anyone, being comfortable, spacious and relaxed. Secondly, Tenant is a wonderful actor and he turned in a virtuoso performance as an intellectual in 1930s Germany, who deludes himself that becoming a Nazi collaborator is the best thing for him to do, to protect his family. His arrogance and lack of conscience is honestly chilling to see. Finally, having grown up with CP Taylor’s children Avram and Clare during my early teenage revolutionary days, I have always tried to see revivals of his plays. This was the best I’ve seen, at a venue Shelley and I will certainly return to, hopefully to see further productions by National Theatre Live.

I did cheat and have Live Scores updating me on events at Goodison, you’ll not be surprised to learn. Having been worried, following death threats posted to Anthony Gordon, that there would be large-scale disorder, I was relieved to see it was only Magpie magnificence that was grabbing the headlines at full time. Walking in the pub at the final whistle, the tumultuous applause was clearly for the team’s performance and not our arrival. Seeing Isak’s assist for the final goal, I understood why. This lad is shaping up to be a combination of the best bits of Ibrahimovich meets Asprilla and he put in another fine shift on the left in the second half against Southampton when we came from behind, to win again.

 

I’d secured a couple of tickets for this one, via my pal John McQuaid, so it meant they landed on the mat via County Kildare. Sadly, my original plan to take Shelley was derailed at the two seats weren’t together, so Ben got the chance to go instead. The fact there were in Level 7 was a bit of a punishing factor, as the unforgiving presence of lactic acid in my calves and lower back after playing cricket the day before, made it one hell of a slog up those 187 steps into the sky. It gave me a hell of a good view of Howe’s tactics that clearly involved giving Gordon the ball at every opportunity. The lad could have scored twice and almost set up Bruno but faded from the game when put out on the right and it was no surprise when he went off for Wilson at the break. It was a surprise we were losing, though Southampton could have gone ahead after 30 seconds. However, I had full faith we would turn things around.

As I said earlier on, Wilson is playing the best football of his career for us and he ought to have had a hat trick here; two great finishes, another one chalked off and a booming effort that hit the bar twice showed just what he was about. Walcott’s OG reminded me that he hasn’t retired as yet and Southampton, decent footballing side though they are, seem certain to be relegated, which is a shame. Not least because they’re now the only team we’ve ever beaten 4 times in one season. This was a great and inevitable win, enjoyed from a seat in the clouds.

Next, we face Arsenal on Sunday. By then there will have been 9 other Premier League games and Liverpool may be 6 points closer to us. This does not matter. We need to enjoy the ride and do our best. If Arsenal goes against us, then we can pick up points at Leeds, then home to Brighton and Leicester. Let’s keep enjoying the high life.

 

 

 

 

The Maintenance of Headway

 The final set of Percy Main programmes articles & match reports from 2022/2023 now follows -:

Haltwhistle Jubilee: 25-03-23

Percy Main 2 Seaton Delaval Amateurs 1

Percy Main climbed to the rarefied heights of fourth place in the Northern Alliance Premier Division following their second successive home victory, hot on the heels of the 7-1 demolition of Whitley Bay Reserves the week before. In terms of chances created, The Villagers could perhaps have equalled, if not exceeded, last week’s goal haul in the first half alone, as the woodwork came to the rescue of the visitors. Last week’s hat trick hero Alfie Livermore was repeatedly denied by the frame of the goal, while Jordan Stephenson placed several efforts inches wide of either post.

After Livermore had been a shade off target with two early snapshots from the edge of the box, Delaval came within a whisker of taking the lead on 15 minutes. A titanic scramble in the box saw the ball rebound from the inside of the post and into the centre of the box, where numerous efforts were blocked by desperate Main defenders, before the ball was finally cleared. Played switched to the other end of the pitch, resulting in a simple chance for Stephenson, who incredibly sidefooted wide of an empty net. This was only a temporary reprieve for Seaton Delaval, as Harry Twinn put Percy Main ahead on 20 minutes with a smart finish from a tight angle. Despite the desperate efforts of a Delaval defender, the officials were in no doubt the ball was over the line and, in the absence of VAR in the Northern Alliance, the goal was given.

Immediately afterwards, Livermore’s brilliant curling effort struck the base of the post and Stephenson’s follow-up effort sneaked just the wrong side of the far post. Delaval themselves were close to scoring, when an unmarked Liam Laidler poked an effort wide. Livermore was once again denied when his glorious dipping effort smacked the top of the bar as The Main ended the half well on top.

The litany of missed chances continued after the break, with Livermore a shade wide from the edge of the box. These misses seemingly came back to haunt The Main when Delaval, temporarily reduced 10 men while Kai Sample spent a stint in the sin bin for dissent, drew level. Callum Elliott in home goal, parried a free kick from the edge of the box, with Laidler reacting quickest the bury the loose ball. However, never has the truism that a team is at their most vulnerable just after they score, been better illustrated than by the Percy response. Straight from kick off, the Villagers swept forward and Mark McDonnell saw his effort from the right palmed away by keeper Jamie Wright, straight into the path of Ben Bradburn who gleefully smashed it home. Wright made amends with a stunning block from Twinn at his near post, before Delaval lost their composure in the closing stages.

First to incur the referee’s displeasure was Oyindamola Ajayi, who saw red after a clash with Main sub Nicky Whitelaw. Wright again distinguished himself with a superb tip over following a misdirected defensive header, before being dismissed for violent conduct, after hurling the ball at Main sub Kieran Brannen, who also saw red for a second yellow card. A further Delaval player was sinbinned for dissent and when play restarted, Stephenson almost put the icing on the cake with a glorious long range shot that smacked the post with the replacement keeper an immobile spectator. Seconds later, the final whistle sounded and Delaval’s Jaden Cahill-Taylor was shown the final red card of the day for expressing his displeasure rather too vehemently for the referee’s liking. However, these late incidents should not distract from the quality of The Main’s attacking play, especially in the opening period.

Newcastle Blue Star: 03-04-23

Percy Main 5 Haltwhistle Jubilee 0

The second half of this game must rank as one of the most complete performances seen at Purvis Park in many a long year. Percy Main produced a second half showing that was as near faultless as could be imagined at Northern Alliance Premier Division level against a determined and resolute Haltwhistle side, who never threw in the towel when the goals rained in. Indeed, the Main’s keeper Callum Elliott once again turned in a magnificent display that included at least four saves that bordered on the miraculous. Without his superb glovework, the final score may not have been as emphatic as it was, though we must recognise that the quality of play that flowed from back to front and across both flanks, deserved to be rewarded by the 5-0 result.

Alfie Livermore, who again proved to be a constant threat from the very first whistle, put the home side ahead after 7 minutes. Collecting a quick free kick on the left hand edge of the area, he stormed into the box and unleashed a fierce shot low across keeper Nathan Byerley and into the bottom corner of the net. The surprising thing was that this was the only goal in the first period, as the Villagers sought to play the ball along the deck across the back line, almost like a tribute to Channel 4’s Football Italia from back in the day’s when veteran libero Dean Ellis was a lad. Haltwhistle responded with dogged defending and robust tackling, though Elliott was called into action and distinguished himself with a fine save, holding a stinging volley from Rob Peart into his midriff.

In the second period, the floodgates well and truly opened after 53 minutes when an unmarked Matt Aspey nodded in a free kick from Carl Collins at the back post. Immediately from the restart, Haltwhistle won a free kick on the edge of the Main area for handball. Elliott again drew the crowd’s generous applause with a stunning one handed block at the junction of bar and post. Minutes later and the Main keeper was at it again, tipping a seemingly certain goal round the foot of the post. This was to prove crucial as from the Main’s next attack, Harry Twinn drove in a venomous low effort that went through keeper Byerley because of the sheer brute force of the strike, to make the score 3-0. Byerley was on his mettle soon after, denying Livermore’s subtle curling effort.

With just over 10 minutes remaining, Jay Errington was introduced and, after sending a range finder onto the roof of the net, he made it 4-0 with a beautiful downward header from Livermore’s inch perfect cross. These young lads are playing some exquisite attacking football, but never forget the contribution of Callum Elliott in nets, as he made his fourth brilliant save, turning a fierce low effort from the luckless Peart round the post on his right hand side this time. The scoring was completed on 85 minutes, when an unchallenged Jake McDine nodded in a Mark McDonnell corner to round off a perfect performance from Percy Main. This is a performance that will live long in the memory of those lucky enough to witness it.

Seaton Delaval Amateurs 2 Percy Main 2

On a chilly, overcast afternoon that mocked the recent turning of the seasons to British Summer Time, Percy Main and Seaton Delaval played out an absorbing contest that ended in a deserved point apiece after a 2-2 draw. Wheatridge Park is an attractive and atmospheric location, and it served as a fitting venue for this hard fought encounter, where the visitors twice led from Alfie Livermore goals, but were twice pegged back by a determined home side, spurred on by an exemplary performance from the talented veteran Keith Graydon, who notched a brace of equalisers whose distance probably amounted to less than a couple of feet.

After an even opening period, Delaval fashioned the first chance of the game after 8 minutes, when home captain Liam Laidler saw the ever excellent Callum Elliott block his low effort at the near post. Immediately afterwards the Main custodian was back in action, parrying a Damien Stevens shot with his legs. The Villagers showed themselves as an attacking force on 20 minutes when Livermore strode into the box, only to lose his footing, allowing the back to run to Kieran Brannen. His attempt was held under the crossbar by Luke Hinchcliffe. Clean handling was a feature of both keepers’ performances, with Elliott claiming and clutching another Stevens shot soon after.

Percy ought to have taken the lead on the half hour when Jordan Stephenson scuffed his shot wide, after being played in following a quick free kick by Carl Collins. However, the Main did find a breakthrough on 38 minutes, when Livermore scored with a deflected effort, having been released by another astute pass by Collins. Delaval sought to regain parity and Elliott was again called upon to foil Laidlaw, with Euan McLaren sending the loose ball into the side netting from a tight angle, meaning the visitors held a slender one goal advantage at the break.

Delaval came out determined to take something from the game in the second period and it took a semi-miraculous clearance from on the line by Mark McDonnell to preserve the Main’s advantage. Stevens then was denied twice, firstly by sliding inches away from a cross in the six yard box and then by a flying Elliott at full stretch. This was only a temporary respite, as Laidler finally found himself on the scoresheet, bundling the ball home at the back post from very close range. In truth, the goal had been coming and it was no less than the home team deserved. However, following this, the Main reorganised themselves and came again with confidence. After working an opening for himself and flashing the effort just wide, Livermore played a decisive part in the Villagers going ahead for the second time on 75 minutes. Driving into the box from the right, he was barged over and got up to take the inevitable spot kick, sending Hinchcliffe the wrong way from 12 yards.

The home team would not be beaten though, and McLaren bravely forced the ball home for an equaliser from almost on the line with ten minutes remaining. From then on, the game became stretched, as both sides made determined efforts to win. Livermore broke rapidly and was denied by Hinchcliffe’s block, before Grayson’s audacious attempt at lobbing Elliott from almost halfway was thwarted by the keeper’s agility and safe handling. There were to be no further goals, and both sets of players left the pitch to warm and generous applause, recognising the quality of the play they had just witnessed.

Alnwick Town: 24-04-23

Newcastle Independent 3 Percy Main 3

Undoubtedly, Percy Main Amateurs have been involved in some exciting games in 2022/2023, but surely none have quite stirred the blood as much in terms of topsy turvy fortunes as the pulsating afternoon’s entertainment served up at Coach Lane in the 3-3 draw with Newcastle Independent.

After a week of incessant rain caused the postponement of many other Northern Alliance games, it was a pleasure that both sides were able to utilise the perfect 4G surface at the Northumbria University facility. While traditionalists may decry the sterile nature of such pitches, none could argue that this game was hampered by the artificial turf. Within 20 seconds, debutant Main keeper Elliott Kalthoeber, deputising for the absent Callum Elliott, was called into action, saving from home centre forward Liam Henderson. Play soon switched to the other end and Harry Twinn sent a flashing drive inches wide. Unfortunately, it was Independent who broke the deadlock on 4 minutes, when Henry Harvey fired the home side into an early lead. However, same as on countless other occasions this campaign, the Main were in no mood to lie down and surrender. Carl Collins was inches over the bar following a half cleared corner on 10 minutes, but parity was restored when Ben Bradburn expertly fired a low strike into the corner from the edge of the box on the quarter hour.

For the remainder of the half, both sides carved out good opportunities, generally from frantic exchanges in the penalty area. Several times young Kalthoeber showed his bravery in blocking loose balls, while the Independent back four put their necks on the line to stifle dangerous efforts from Percy. While the hectic pace slackened the closer we got to the break, the atmosphere remained akin to a powder keg, with several players from both sides teetering on the brink of fury.

The second half began with Independent retaking the lead. Despite a suspicion of offside in the build-up, Jordan Lavender finished astutely with a clever chip into the roof of the net, past an unsighted Kalthoeber. This was only a temporary setback as the Main again levelled, when Jordan Stephenson pounced on a loose ball in the box to fire home, after Independent’s custodian Rob Hodgson had made a decent stop. Soon after, Percy took the lead, courtesy of a superb individual effort by Kieran Brannen. Collecting the ball on the left of midfield, he drove in field and towards the area, before ramming home an unstoppable effort past Dryden’s despairing drive. It could have been 4-2 moments later, when Hodgson pulled off an eye-catching save to tip Bradburn’s effort over the bar.

Instead of seeing the game out, the Main were pegged back by a thirty minute cameo of outstanding talent by Independent’s Wilson Kneeshaw. Firstly, we waltzed from front to back before smacking the crossbar with a powerful effort that was scrambled away after a few alarms. On 76 minutes, he tied the game up when his astute through ball evaded everyone, including the despairing Kalthoeber, before dribbling apologetically home. Stung by this reverse, the Villagers came again, and Jay Errington nodded a Twinn cross just wide. Hodgson was twice tested from distance in injury time, holding an effort from Stephenson and then, with the final touch of a splendid game, going full length to tip away a strong effort by Josh Nicholson.

 

Burradon & New Fordley 5 Percy Main 0

A much changed Percy Main side travelled to second top Burradon & New Fordley and, despite giving a good account of themselves, especially in the second half, found themselves on the end of a five goal hammering on a lovely, sunny evening. The die was cast from the first whistle with the home side turning on the pressure and winning a couple of early corners that caused panic in the Main defence. Having scrambled these away, the visitors fell behind in the third minute when Lee Waugh fired in a low free kick across keeper Elliot Kalthoeber.

Percy Main has gifted a half chance in the opposition box when keeper Thomas Shanley cannoned an attempted clearance off Rob Ridley, but the ball did not drop kindly for the visiting player. This was to be the Main’s only real chance of the first half, other than a speculative attempted lob from Mark McDonnell that Shanley comfortably dealt with, and within a minute Kalthoeber had made a brilliant instinctive save from a point blank header that he deflected onto the bar. Sadly, Burradon did not allow themselves to become frustrated and, following their next attack, it became 2-0 when Danny Sayer controlled a through ball and fired home, despite a Herculean effort from Kalthoeber. It became 3-0 on 28 minutes, when Waugh tapped home from the centre of the ball, effectively ending the game as a contest.

The second half saw centre back Josh Nicholson replace the injured Kalthoeber in goal and the introduction of Harry Twinn, fresh from playing a College game earlier in the day over in Cumbria. Both of them did well; Nicholson made some instinctive and somewhat unorthodox stops, while Twinn did not put a foot wrong during his time on the pitch. Indeed, the Main put in a fine showing after the break and were unlucky not to score, especially when Kieran Brannen struck the base of the post after a mazy run through the home side’s defence. Burradon has some excellent players, one of whom is Sayer, and he outpaced the Main rearguard before driving past Nicholson, who was rendered a bemused observer as the score reached 4-0. The final action saw Burradon make it 5-0 when Hall’s low ball across the box was inadvertently deflected past Nicholson to make the final score 5-0.

Percy Main 0 Alnwick Town 0

Percy Main Amateurs concluded their home programme of fixtures with a low-key goalless draw against Alnwick Town at Purvis Park on a chilly Monday evening. Without the services of Alfie Livermore and Jay Errington, both resting in preparation for their Northumberland Senior Cup final appearance for Blyth Spartans against Morpeth Town at St. James’ Park the following evening, the Main lacked the pace and guile to break down a resolute and well-organised Alnwick defence. Indeed, during a stop-start opening half that was blighted by a series of minor, niggling injuries to players from both sides, there was no real pattern to the play, though it has to be said that Alnwick were the dominant outfit.

Callum Elliott, on his return to the Main goal, made his usual contribution with some fine stops. After 18 minutes, he went full length to palm away an effort from Lewis Fairbairn, with the ball eventually being cleared by Harry Twinn, causing some real discomfort to a female Percy supporter who took the full force of the ball to her hip. Thankfully, she soon recovered and was able to marvel at a pair of further brilliant saves by Elliot, firstly when he tipped a close-range Fairbairn effort onto the underside of the bar and then a brilliant reflex block from Simon Farrier. Towards the end of the half, the Main’s Kieran Brannen was sent to the sin bin for dissent, before a deep corner from Twinn caused alarm in the Alnwick defence, but the home side could not force it home.

After the break, with Percy Main restored to their full complement after Brannen’s indiscretion, the game settled down to a more even encounter, though with little threat from either side in the final third. The closest either side came to breaking the deadlock was a free kick from Carl Collins for the Villagers that whistled just over the angle of bar and post. In the end, a point apiece was a fair return for both sides in a game that neither truly deserved to win.

 

 

 

 

 

Boo Boo Boy

Just published by Spenwood Books, All the Songs Sound the Same is an anthology of over 300 essays by fans of The Wedding Present, each one describing their favourite number by the band. I'm in there and the piece I penned is about Boo Boo -: 

The first time I heard Boo Boo, my immediate response was to jump up and down on the spot, punching the air and roaring my incoherent approval. I was in my living room, one Friday teatime at the end of May 2008, having just purchased El Rey. Almost a decade and a half later, it remains my favourite latter period Wedding Present album and Boo Boo my all time favourite song of theirs.

To these ears, Boo Boo is a musical tour de force, combining a profound, dispassionate yet ominous, growling wall of slow noise with quieter passages of precise, intense solo guitar manipulation, displaying forensic control and creating an atmosphere combining hope, despair and ambivalence. The achingly brief lyrics create the two most visual and affecting images in all of David Gedge’s writing. DLG himself has gone on record as saying he feels the opening line Well yes, it’s late; the waiter’s stacking the chairs has a highly cinematic quality. I disagree, as my mind visualises an oil painting, composed predominantly in matt black, nocturnal blues and turgid yellow, creating a scene that incorporates a window table for two in an otherwise deserted restaurant, on a quiet side street in a sleeping, obscure town on an unremarkable midweek night. The lateness of the hour suggests this assignation may have connotations of a clandestine meeting, rather than a friendly catch up over a bite of supper. However, there hints that one of those has emotionally moved on. It isn’t him though.

The fact the lyrics are in the present tense increases the sense of immediacy and unpredictability surrounding the situation we are drawn into. There’s no scope for reflection or analysis of times gone by; we know the two diners have a shared romantic history and the aching sense of yearning from the spurned narrator is genuinely heart-rending. Is his former lover now simply his friend or is there a chance that the passion could be rekindled? When the second verse begins by describing how Your eyes are glistening as you fill my glass to the brim even the most disaffected, pessimistic ex must tend towards believing she still carries a torch, only to be struck down by how she makes her new flame the main subject of the conversation. Those optical lagoons of perfect blue drain and desiccate; barren and loveless. Has the hope of a moment before really been extinguished?

The real lyrical genius of Boo Boo is that the song leaves the future ambiguous.  There are no more verses. We don’t learn if the night ended with wild, unbridled passion, a rancorous outpouring of bad blood, or a chaste peck on the cheek. The music offers no clues either; a vast, anthemic, crescendo of pummelling volume builds and builds and… dissipates… Again, we are in the throes of ambiguity; there isn’t a climax, only bathos. Interpret the complementary sounds and words how you wish; all that is certain is the lack of finality, which leaves us yearning for more, even as the quite baffling Swingers is bringing El Rey to a gloriously confusing close.

 

Heddon Easter

 Heddon v Hazlerigg was a pleasant way to spend Easter Saturday afternoon -:

Around this time every year, we hear the usual media bleating about players suffering from “burn out” because of the end of season “fixture pile-up.” Now, ordinarily I might have a bit of sympathy with the poor lambs, but the privations endured by these young millionaires (case in point; Newcastle United scheduled to play 7 league games in April) fade into insignificance when compared to the requirements placed upon those operating at lower levels. Gateshead, heroically thus far, have the small matter of 9 league games and an FA Trophy semi-final to deal with in the Cruellest Month. So far, they’ve reached Wembley and opened a 7-point gap on the relegation zone, so all is going swimmingly for Mike Williamson’s lads thus far and the very best of luck to them for their remaining fixtures.

Back in the day, I remember the FA Cup final taking place on the first Saturday in May. This year, it’s been shunted back to the first Saturday in June, with the final Premier League fixtures taking place the weekend before. Such a relaxed itinerary is not a privilege afforded to the rest of the pyramid, with Step 5 and 6 leagues required to finish their regular fixtures on Saturday 22 April, to allow for the convoluted play-off system now in place, presumably intended to add a sense of unnecessary hysteria to the race for that crucial second promotion spot in the Northern League, top and bottom flight. Now if you think that’s a daft regulation, Step 7 leagues, such as the wonderful Northern Alliance Premier Division, are required to finish on Saturday 6 May, to give the FA time to shuffle the pack as regards clubs in geographical grey areas, who may be cursed by lateral transfers. Considering that Alnwick town expressed an interest in promotion, I doubt this will unduly affect the composition of the Alliance next year. Of course, the three other Alliance divisions are allowed the luxury of being able to finish their programme on Saturday 13 May, while we’d best not get into the whole carry on about the scheduling of the 5 remaining NFA and Alliance Cup finals just yet.

At the time of writing, in the post-apocalyptic afternoon lull following the ravages of Tuesday 11 April’s storm, which has already led to the postponement of the opening weekend’s cricket fixtures in the NEPL, Stobswood Welfare, who currently lead the Alliance First Division, have already played 4 games in April, have the small matter of 11 fixtures remaining. Good luck to them with that, especially as they share their facilities with a reserve side and 2 cricket teams.

 

	Club	P	W	D	L	GD	PTS
1	Benton FC	22	14	2	6	+29	44
2	Alnwick Town Development	21	14	2	5	+28	44
3	Blyth Rangers	24	14	4	6	+28	43 (-3)
4	Whitley Bay Sporting Club A	22	13	1	8	+15	37 (-3)
5	Hazlerigg Victory	19	11	4	4	+12	37

In the Alliance basement, the promotion race is frighteningly tight; with the division above running 2 clubs light, the actual number of clubs going up and down, no doubt influenced as well by both expected and unexpected resignations,  will undoubtedly be a matter for the Alliance management committee to resolve in advance of the AGM, when next season’s constitution will be unveiled, but it looks like Hazlerigg Victory have got more than a fighting chance of finishing top 2, even if they have to squeeze in 7 fixtures by Saturday 6 May. Let’s hope they’ve not been sent an invite to Big Ears’ bash at Westminster Abbey that day.

In all seriousness, Hazlerigg (Hezzy to their devotees) have already played, and won, on 1, 5, 8 and 10 April, with further games to come on 12, 19, 22, 24, 26 and 29 of this month. Most of the squad also turn out for their Sunday team, who had a game on Easter Sunday as well. Providing Dinnington Welfare isn’t under water, they’ll be hosting Cramlington Blue Star Inter just about the time this blog goes live. While promotion is no doubt the prime motivation for Hezzy’s head honcho Mark Bullock, glorious failure would not leave them empty handed as Easter Monday lunchtime saw them lift the Neville Cowey Cup at Blyth Town’s ground after a titanic struggle with Ashington Reserves. Having gone in at the break trailing 3-0, Hazlerigg staged their own resurrection shuffle, winning 4-3 in the last minute, to spark uproarious celebrations. #Blythstanbul, as their twitter account presciently called it.

I couldn’t get to Blyth Town for the final so, taking advantage of a blank date for Percy Main, I took in Heddon United versus Hezzy on Easter Saturday. When I got there, alighting from a bus destined for Carlisle, it was a lovely, sunny Spring afternoon, with a warm breeze and clear blue skies overhead. The whole place oozed a semi-rustic charm in the far western extremities of the city, with the start of the Tyne Valley and Northumberland literally yards away, providing a pleasant location for what I thought would be my last footballing Saturday until mid-September. Though I’d not seen a Heddon home game this season, this wasn’t strictly a new ground for me, as the location of Walbottle Campus is also the home of Benwell and Walbottle Cricket Club where, coming down the slope, I took 4/16 (all bowled) on my last visit a couple of years ago. That night, a NCSL game was taking place on the adjoining 4G pitch, as it was again today; Westerhope United v Blackfyne to be precise. Heddon were using one of the grass pitches, which was slightly oddly marked, as an athletics track had been added to the outer edge. Strangely, one lane was incorporated in the pitch and so the line was effectively the juncture between lanes 2 and 3. Baffling and slightly disconcerting to look at.

Thus far in 2022/2023, I’d only seen Hezzy once; a 9-2 massacre of West Moor and Jesmond Under 23s, who called time on their Alliance campaign the week after, having suffered a 20-0 evisceration by Wallsend Boys Club Reserves. I’d sponsored the match ball for that first game as well. As regards Heddon, I must admit I’ve not seen them at their best. Well-beaten at Blyth Rangers back in November, when they appeared to run completely out of steam around the hour mark, they were bullied into defeat against Stocksfield in early February. Looking at the form of the two sides going into this game, I sensed an away win was on the cards. However, and I’m stating this unequivocally, Heddon were vastly improved since the previous times I’d seen them. They were organised and had purpose to their play but were up against a decent and determined Hezzy outfit who scrap like terriers for every ball.

The visitors took the lead on 12 minutes through Kieron Liddle’s clever finish. Moments later it should have been 2-0, but when presented with the opportunity to score the replica of Callum Wilson’s second at West Ham, the Hezzy forward opted to impersonate Chris Wood at Hillsborough instead. As a result, it remained 1-0 until the break, being a tight, competitive game on an unforgivingly bumpy surface. After the break, Hezzy doubled their lead early on when Mitchell Ramsay scored. Despite forcing the Hezzy keeper into a couple of notable stops, including a block that forced him to limp off injured, Heddon just couldn’t score, and it was left to Ramsay, rushing from his own half and beating any thought of offside, to complete the scoring after evading the keeper and rolling in from a tight angle.

A decent afternoon and encouraging to see two clubs looking in such good health. Hopefully, they’ll all enjoy a rest over the summer and come again with confidence next season.