Wednesday, 30 April 2014

125 Not Out...

The Northern League season isn't quite finished yet; next Monday Jarrow Roofing take on Washington in the Ernest Armstrong Cup Final at Hebburn in the penultimate game, before Whitley Bay v Marske United at St James' Park in the Brookes Mileson League Cup Final brings the curtain down on the 125th season. Heaton Stannington have already completed our fixtures; a 6-1 win over Washington on Saturday 26th saw The Stan finish in 5th place with an amazing 81 points. The night before the Tyneside Amateur League completed its fixtures with a 3-2 win for Ryton & Crawcrook Albion Reserves over Lindisfarne Custom Planet in the Neville Cowey Cup Final. Here's an article I submitted for the programme & a snap by Paul Mosley to show what a lovely night it was. Since I wrote the article, Jarrow Roofing have secured the third promotion spot, while Spennymoor are champions. As yet, it is unclear whether Esh Winning or Ryton & Crawcrook Albion will be relegated...


I’d like to take this opportunity to welcome you all to Grounsell Park this evening for the second Tyneside Amateur League cup final to be held at The Stan in successive weeks. If you were here last week for Hazlerigg’s 2-0 triumph over Newcastle Medics; I trust you enjoyed yourself, so welcome back. Last week I saw less than 30 seconds of the game as I was called into service behind the bar. Tonight I’m hoping to catch a bit more of the action, as putting all pretence of neutrality to one side, I’d like to see my former student Tony Fawcett’s Lindisfarne Custom Planet side in action.

This evening is the penultimate competitive game to be played on our pitch, with the final one being tomorrow’s visit of Washington; it’s a 3pm kick off and £3 in. Please come along if you enjoy yourself tonight. Regardless of the result tomorrow, Heaton Stannington will finish the season in 5th place in Northern League Division 2. Three teams will be promoted, with North Shields deservedly claiming the title. The Robins have easily been the best team on the pitch, as well as boasting the highest crowds; on Good Friday they beat the almost as impressive runners-up West Allotment Celtic in front of an unbelievable 1312. While a considerable number were part of the Northern League groundhop, an awful lot more were lads from NE29. The third promotion spot will be filled by either Seaham Red Star, who ended their programme last week, cursing a 3 point deduction for fielding an ineligible player, or Jarrow Roofing who, as well as having the Division 2 Ernest Armstrong cup final against Washington to prepare for, require 3 points from their final 2 games to pip Seaham. At the foot of Division 2, either Esh Winning or Ryton & Crawcrook Albion will finish bottom and be replaced by Ryhope CW from the Wearside League, who have finally brought their ground up to the required standard.

The promoted sides will be replaced by Billingham Town, who conceded a scarcely credible 207 league goals, Hebburn Town, who didn’t fare much better and Team Northumbria, who will provide The Stan with a local derby I suppose. At the top of the table things were simplified considerably by the events of Easter Monday; following their 1-1 draw with Benfield, West Auckland Town, who still have 6 league games to play, can’t win the title or finish in the top 2 and will no doubt be focussing their attention on winning the FA Vase at Wembley on May 10th, two years after disappointingly losing out to Dunston also at the final stage. Third placed Shildon can still finish second, but won’t win the title and will have to make do with the Durham Challenge Cup that they won on Good Friday by beating favourites Spennymoor 2-1. Consequently, the league is now a two horse race between leaders Spennymoor, who have 94 points from 41 games and Celtic Nation, who have 92 points from 43 games. These two sides are the only ones who have applied for promotion and the winner will take it all; with a superior goal difference of +78 to +63, Spenny surely only need a draw to claim the silverware and leave the Northern League after 4 titles in the last 5 seasons.

The final piece of silverware to be decided, after Northern League teams missed out on the final of the Northumberland Senior Cup with that competition being a tussle between Newcastle United Reserves and Blyth Spartans, is the Northern League Cup. On Tuesday May 6th Whitley Bay, who overcame a brave resistance by second division Whitehaven, will take on Marske United who upset the form book by demolishing Ashington 4-1 in the other semi-final. The final will take place at St James’ Park, which will be a fitting end to the 125th anniversary celebrations of the world’s second oldest league. 


Thursday, 24 April 2014

We'll always have Burslem.......

DUCK is Stoke City's magnificent fanzine. I'm delighted to have been included in 3 of the 7 issues so far. This is my piece in the latest edition, out on 26 April....



James Ellroy is the world’s greatest crime writer, with the ability to construct frightening tales of political corruption, state terror and criminal conspiracies that weave factual events and characters with his own version of ultra hard boiled fiction. His masterpiece is Underworld USA; a ghastly trilogy of political malfeasance and imperialistic bad juju from 1958 to 1972; the first volume American Tabloid, covers 1958 to 1963, the middle book The Cold Six Thousand addresses the matrix of American politics and crime from 1963 to 1968, so you can see exactly where the final volume, Blood’s a Rover, is going: the '68 election, the Mob's foreign casino plan, Nixon in office, though it stops short of Watergate. When asked why, Ellroy commented “Watergate bores me. It’s been done to death. And most of the characters are still alive, so you can’t use them fictionally.” Similarly, I’ve only even seen one Stoke City v Newcastle United game; the 0-4 League Cup game in October 1995, so instead I’m going to tell you about my one and only trip to Vale Park.

On Friday 20th December 1991, we moved into a new house about a quarter of a mile from the city centre on the night Newcastle lost 2-0 at Plymouth Argyle to drop into the relegation zone of Division 2. Boxing Day we lost 1-0 at home to Middlesbrough in a noon kick off that I slept in for; waking at 11.52 and entering the ground at 12.17. On 28th December, we struggled past Bristol Rovers 2-1 and headed down to her family in South Yorkshire at full time. Newcastle lost 4-0 at Southend United on New Year’s Day to drop to 23rd and her brother-in-law took me to Sheffield Wednesday 1 Oldham Athletic 1, as the family’s team Barnsley were losing 2-0 away to sunderland. After a cup loss to Bournemouth on penalties, 11th January saw us 2-0 down to Watford by 3.05; we pulled back to draw as I watched Hull City 3 Stockport County 1, having taken my sister back down to university in the East Riding. Remember Kingmaker? We saw them on 18th January, after Charlton Athletic had come from 3-0 down to win 4-3 at SJP with a last minute own goal by Liam O’Brien. After a blank weekend, Newcastle dropped to bottom of the table at the start of February, losing 5-2 at Oxford, while I took in Gateshead 1 Barrow 0 in the FA Vase. Things were grim.

Ossie Ardiles was sacked and Kevin Keegan appointed in the next midweek, before we beat Bristol City 3-0 at home on the 8th. The week after, as I watched Hartlepool defeat Preston 2-0, momentum slowed with a 3-1 loss at Blackburn Rovers, for whom David Speedie scored a hat trick. We held a belated housewarming party on Friday 21st, inviting 80 friends, colleagues and neighbours, while accommodating most of her family. The next day Newcastle were held 1-1 by Barnsley, to remain in the bottom three.

Back then I taught in a school, which is where we met; she was a postgraduate student teacher on placement and me three years into the job. We hit it off by conversing in the universal language of gigs and football, going to see The Pixies, Galaxie 500 and That Petrol Emotion, as well as a goalless draw between Newcastle and Barnsley in November 1990 in our first fortnight together. We shacked up in January 91. She finished her course and got a job, so I sold my flat and we bought our house; started planning a future together and spent February half term decorating the lounge and front bedroom, as well as seeing The Wedding Present on the Tuesday night. She went down to her family on the Friday morning and I would follow the day after, via a circuitous route.

1991/1992 St James Park had a 30,000 capacity and an 18,000 average crowd before Keegan took over. Season tickets in the Milburn Stand were £161; that’s £7 a game. About a dozen of us sat together; not always in the same seats, because it wasn’t busy enough for that, but in the same area; mid 20s to early 30s, lifelong, cynical fans, having a drink and a smoke on a Saturday, laughing at the clueless shit on display, but not taking it too seriously. Except when we went away, of course. I’d reined in the Newcastle away games since we’d got together; still watched a game every Saturday, but figured a total spend of a tenner on a local game compared to a ton all-in on an awayday showed my commitment and maturity. She was great though as she understood the game; she loved football and we loved each other, so when I told her I’d never been to Burslem she encouraged me to go.


Saturday morning; 8.30 and the lift arrived. Paddy  driving, Mark acting as navigator and Peter  dying of a hangover in the back. I snuck in next to him and we floored it out of the city, heading west to Carlisle on the A69, then a long trawl south down the M6, with Peter snoring and farting the whole way. Go on Google now and it tells you A1(M), M62, M6, A500 to Port Vale in just over 3 hours from Tyneside, but we didn’t have Google 22 years ago; just those big spiral bound AA road atlases with the ripped or missing pages and footprints across the section you needed to look at.

We had a rare treat because of the presence of CD player though, as Paddy’s car from work was a sleek executive saloon; Nevermind, Bandwagonesque and Loveless were the playlist that morning. We stopped at Killington Lake services for a pissbreak and ruminated over Keegan’s new signings of Kevin Sheedy on a free from Everton and Brian Kilcline on loan from Coventry, while chewing on overpriced bacon sandwiches as Feed Me With Your Kisses airburst huge clouds of staccato feedback all across the Cumbrian fells on a dark Saturday morning. This is doing fuck all for my hangover, opined Peter as he jettisoned his breakfast roll in favour of a Marlboro. Almost a quarter of a century later and I’d defend those selections with my life; Teenage Fanclub, My Bloody Valentine and Nirvana remain firm favourites and, I’m proud to say, have filtered down the generations as my son adores all three bands as well.

Back on the road, we swapped the sounds to Shiftwork by The Fall (“When have they let you down? When have they ever?” John Peel circa 1979) and made slow progress through roadworks, finally arriving in the Potteries around 1.00; it had taken us nearly 4 hours, discounting the comfort break and we were thirsty, apart from Peter who then volunteered to drive back as his condition was such that drink was off the agenda. I remember we passed Eric Bristow’s pub; was there a large electronic dartboard outside? Were him and Maureen still loved up back then? Paddy parked up and found the nearest bar; nondescript, functional, fizzy lager and fizzy keg. I don’t recall its name, but we got the regulation pre-match half gallon and then headed for the ground, paying on the door of course, as a damp afternoon turned ever colder.

SJP was a dump back then, most grounds were, but Vale Park seemed to take this to another dimension. All I remember is the NCB Opencast orange stand and an away end fringed on all sides by sheets of corrugated iron; brilliant for percussive accompaniment to chanting, but lacking any architectural merit. The pitch was massive and spongy; mud churned as our yellow away shirts were begrimed in filth as we toiled away. Steve Watson scored the only goal in front of us on the half hour and we went collectively insane; maybe 2,000 of us on crumbling terraces watching a relegation battle at the bottom of Division 2, but it meant so much. Lee Clark should have added a second, but fired wide and we all nervously held our breath when former NUFC youth striker Joe Allon came on for them, but he was shit and we won the game 1-0. 

At the end of the season, Vale went down and we stayed up, so it was an important win, as all wins are.
Full time, we ecstatically found the car and a corner shop for some cans to aid the journey, using Radio 5 as entertainment as we headed east, to eventually drop me at Junction 38 of the M1, just as 606 was finishing. Paddy and Mark would be in town for 9.00 at the latest and Peter would be in bed. She picked me up and we headed out to The Cherry Tree in the village of High Hoyland for a family meal. They were in a good mood as The Tykes had beaten Charlton 1-0 and it was a great night.

About 9.30, mine and her paths coincided in the corridor by the bogs; her coming out and me going in. She asked me if I knew what date it was; I didn’t. Turns out it was 29th February; the Leap Year day. She did as she was entitled to and proposed to me; marriage was something we’d never talked of before, being vehemently opposed to such bourgeois conformism, but I was flattered. I loved her and it seemed a good idea, so I said yes. A good day out turned wonderful and we had an even better one on Friday 31st July; tying the knot in Barnsley Registry Office and having the do in The Cherry Tree, with a strict playlist of Johnny Cash, The Pogues and The Wedding Present (naturally).

Paddy, Peter and Mark were all there. Sadly I don’t see them any longer. Paddy’s married with two grown up kids and living in County Wicklow, where his parents were from. Peter took redundancy from the Civil Service and lives in the middle of nowhere outside Northallerton, working as a painter. Mark sacked off being a Financial Advisor to run a beachside café at Tynemouth. I’m still in teaching, but involved with adult, community education. She’s still a teacher; Deputy Head in fact.

We talk on the phone maybe once a month, now our son’s almost 19 and away to University come September. It was difficult after the divorce in 2001 to behave in an adult fashion, but that’s a while ago now and we’re past all that. Life moves on, but we’ll always have Burslem…




Sunday, 20 April 2014

Stan by Stan

It's always busy towards the end of the season; cup finals and the like, not to mention the Northern League Easter groundhop. On Good Friday, we hosted Hazlerigg victory 2 Newcastle Medics 0 in the Tyneside Amateur League John Hampson Memorial Trophy final. I wrote a few notes about that for the programme, as I did for Jarrow Roofing's programme against us on the Saturday morning leg of the groundhop. We lost 1-0 and I wasn't there as I was playing for Winstons in our narrow 8-0 win the Over 40s at home to Rolls Royce. Also in the programme, Michael Hudson wrote a lovely bit about The Stan. Here's all that stuff now, with photos by Paul Mosley (1) and Michael Hudson (2 & 3)....


Following The Stan in 2013/2014

It’s a great honour to be asked again by Paul Mosley to pen an article for this programme. I’ve known Paul in his Tyneside Amateur League guise for a few years now (I’ve known him for considerably longer than that as he did his A Levels at the College where I worked, about a decade ago now) and was always pleased to contribute a few words when the TAL finals were held at my previous club Percy Main Amateurs in previous seasons.

I left Percy Main last summer and made the step up to the Northern League with my local side Heaton Stannington; having been a High Heaton resident for the past 16 years now, I was delighted to be offered and even more delighted to accept the role of Press Officer and Programme Editor with The Stan. I’m equally pleased to see that Paul has followed me to NE7 by bringing a couple of the TAL finals to Grounsell Park and we’re particularly pleased to welcome you all here tonight. Let’s hope we can put the cap on a truly Good Friday, though I somehow doubt we’ll match the crowds that will have turned out to see the Northern League Division 2 title decider between North Shields and West Allotment Celtic at Raply Gardener Park, or the big local derby at Hillheads in Division 1 between who we must now learn to call Leon Ryan’s Whitley Bay and Steve Bowey’s massively improved Benfield side. If I’m looking a little weary, it’s because I’m intending to take in both of those games as well.

Tomorrow afternoon I’ve sensibly knocked back the offer of a spare seat at SJP; it may not have been putting money into Ashley’s pocket, but I’d still feel defrauded as a Free ticket Mag, so I’m contemplating the love-in between Washington and Seaham Red Star instead. I’ll be up early though, as The Stan are in action at 11am on the next leg of the Northern League groundop, in what will be our final away fixture of the season. However, if you like it here, please drop by next Tuesday at 7.30 for the visit of Alnwick Town or next Saturday 26th (the day after the other Tyneside amateur League final we are hosting), when we ring donw the curtain on our season with the visit of Washington.

At the time of writing, it seems as if tomorrow’s encounter could be The Roofing’s most crucial game of the season, but for The Stan it has less significance as, barring a mathematical miracle, we’ll end this campaign in fifth place. Far from feeling despondent that we’ve missed out on promotion, we are justly proud of all that has been achieved both on and off the pitch. Those of you who’ve not visited the ground in a while will know what I mean, as you’re probably staggered at the transformation of the place.

2013/2014 has been both a steep learning curve and a matter of enormous pride seeing just how far The Stan have come in twelve short months. One second division player who really ought to have known better (no names; no pack drill), forecast on the dreadful and divisive non league zone that The Stan would endure “a long hard season;” well, we have, but not in the way he suggested. We’ve actually enjoyed it!! 

Being frank, our squad has been a credit to the club all season.  Putting playing matters to one side, the facts are that a year after our arrival from the Northern Alliance, Grounsell Park now boasts state of the art floodlights and a smart stand, with plenty of scope for the installation of extra seats should they be needed. In addition, a popular and idiosyncratic programme sells out each home game, where hot and cold food is readily available when at one time the only refreshments to be got came from the Maxpax machine at ATS next door. The hard work of our vibrant, growing band of volunteers is mirrored by the fact a team that had half a dozen watching them a few years back now has the second highest average attendance in the division, because we’re all proud to Follow The Stan; you’d be very welcome to join us, especially with 3 hand pulled real ales in the bar at £2.35 a pint!!


Heaton Stannington by Heaton Stannington

Today’s game is the final away fixture in our first season back in the Northern League. At the time of writing, it seems as if today could be The Roofing’s most crucial game of the season, but for us it has less significance as, barring a mathematical miracle, we’ll end the campaign in fifth place. Far from feeling despondent that we’ve missed out on promotion, we are justly proud of all that has been achieved both on and off the pitch. It has been both a steep learning curve and a matter of enormous pride just how far The Stan have come in twelve short months. One second division player who really ought to have known better, forecast on the dreadful non league zone that The Stan would endure “a long hard season;” well, we have, but not in the way he suggested. Being frank, our squad has been a credit to the club all season.  Putting playing matters to one side, the facts are that a year after our arrival from the Northern Alliance, Grounsell Park now boasts state of the art floodlights and a smart stand, with plenty of scope for the installation of extra seats should they be needed. In addition, a popular and idiosyncratic programme sells out each game, where hot and cold food is available when the only refreshments used to be available from the Maxpax machine at ATS next door. The hard work of our vibrant, growing band of volunteers is mirrored by the fact a team that had half a dozen watching them a few years back now has the second highest average attendance in the division, because we’re all proud to Follow The Stan. Especially with 3 hand pulled real ales available at £2.30 a pint!


Heaton Stannington by Jarrow Roofing

Heaton Stannington go back to 1910, the year the club first affiliated to the Northumberland FA.  Northumberland Amateur Cup winners in 1937 and Tyneside League runners-up in 1938-39,  the black and whites played their first seven seasons of Northern League football either side of World War II, but had to wait 61 years before starting on their eighth. 

Admitted to the Northern League in a second round of voting – polling eight to Chilton Colliery’s five to become the first Northumbrian member club since Newcastle ‘A’ left for the North Eastern League in 1906  – the truncated 1939-40 season saw Heaton defeat South Bank 7-2 – Colin Seymour, son of England international and Newcastle United title-winner Stan Seymour, among the scorers - and draw with Amateur Cup holders Bishop Auckland in a League Cup tie watched by 1,283 at St James’ Park.   When the League resumed in 1945, the Stan had to sit out the first season as non-playing members due to the continuing presence of the military at Newton Park, returning to finish eighth in 1946-47.

Low gates and heavy transport costs began to take their toll, the club slumping to the foot of the table and quitting the league for a fortnight in the summer of 1949.  Despite reaching a League Cup semi-final in 1951-52, they could rise no higher than the bottom three in any of their final five seasons.  In 1952 they resigned their position, were replaced by Durham City, and dropped into the Northern Football Alliance.
Twice beaten finalists in the Northumberland Senior Cup, the club owed its continued survival to stalwarts like Bob Grounsell – player and secretary during his 60 years at Newton Park, which was later renamed in his honour – and Bill Colwill.  In 1982 a hike in the ground rent forced another resignation – this time from the Wearside League, which they’d joined from the Alliance a decade before. A year later it took a High Court case to fend off the threat of a supermarket being built over what had been the club’s home pitch since 1934. 

The legal victory was doubly important, leaving the club with ownership of the ground. After rejoining the Northern Football Alliance in 1986, long-serving manager Derek Thompson led his team to back-to-back Premier League titles and added both the League Cup and Northumberland Senior Benevolent Bowl in 2012-13, capping a triumphant year in which they also hosted the Gabon U23 team in a warm-up game for the 2012 London Olympics.

Although their own promotion bid has tailed off recent weeks, a 1-0 win at West Allotment Celtic, a goalless draw with North Shields and, of course, November’s 4-3 home triumph against the Roofers provide ample evidence of the threat the Stan pose this afternoon.  Helped by 30+ league goals from former Hibernian junior Jonathan Wright (who also found time to score three in one start and three substitute appearances for Vase finalists West Auckland Town), Thompson’s side have performed superbly in what everyone here at Roofing hopes is just the first of many successful seasons back in the Northern League. 







Monday, 7 April 2014

On the Wrong Bus


It might be stress related, or it could just be the usual bout of intractable exhaustion I suffer from at the end of a long term, but I’ve been in a right foul mood of late. On Saturday morning just gone, for example, our Over 40s team Wallsend Winstons were being presented with the trophy for being champions of Division 4. Ordinarily, this is done by Vince Williams the league secretary, but because of Football Focus coming from Wallsend Memorial Hall as the programme was dedicated to the Boysa, there was a second presentation; by Alan Shearer, live on telly. Sounds great eh? Well it was, and I should have been revelling in the moment, but it started to grate that the invite wasn’t for the whole team. Only a select few made the cut and they had to be in position for filming sharpish, so we had to kick off an hour early against Thornley Celtic. Fair play to them; they travelled 30 odd miles, agreed to a 9.30 start and applauded as we got the trophy first time around. Personally, I was feeling more irritated than happy; wondering why we had to constantly dance to the Boys’ Club’s tune, especially as we lost 3 first choice players at the break when only 1-0 up. Still, I’d cheered up by full time as we won 6-1, despite being completely bamboozled by the lob that was the one goal I conceded. However, when I finally got to see Football Focus on Sky Plus, sometime around 10 on Saturday night and watched our captain Aidan Hughes accepting the trophy from Alan Shearer, I was in a much less spiky mood, but despite having half a dozen Rivet Catchers on board, I would have to say I was actually more bemused than calmed by the way the day had panned out.  

One piece of good news I’d found out in the early evening, related to my last blog about standing for TUSC in the forthcoming Council Elections, is that UCU IBL won the arguments over UCU Left at our special FE sector conference in Manchester, meaning that UCU won’t be tearing itself apart in an internecine, recondite conflict over an unwinnable point of principle, too arcane to enter into here. In fact, this news was a huge burden lifted from my shoulders as I’d have to have considered my position as a branch secretary if we’d lost, or even quit the union. I must pay tribute to our Branch Chair who, not being a football fan, had offered to go down for the weekend and represent us at the meeting. However, the realpolitik of football kept me busy all weekend.

While my union branch is strong and united, the joke I make, in contrast to all my repeated imprecations for fan unity on here, in print and via social media, is that the one thing most NUFC fans have in common is that they can’t stand me. This half-truth may have something to do with my persona being a combination of an obsessive need to discover the truth as I see it, with an unfortunate uncontrollable urge to make infuriatingly mischievous comments and adopt wildly contradictory positions, all for the sake of a wind up. I should grow up, shouldn’t I? Perhaps I should also remember, once in a blue moon, how these foolish quips can offend and irritate, then perhaps try to either bite my cyber lip or fight the urge to cry foul if someone snaps back at me; “don’t be a cunt” was the best piece of advice I’ve had in Barca all year. However, the way things have happened this weekend, I’ve not even had time to be a prick never mind a cunt.

You see, sometimes the sheer pace of events can knock you not just off your guard, but right off your feet. As far as Newcastle United are concerned, the absolute significance and final magnitude of the first weekend in April in 2014 may not be fully appreciated until time adds perspective to the chain of incidents that has left me struggling to comprehend what could happen next. However, I’m getting ahead of myself here; let’s look back on the previous week.



In the wake of the 3-0 and 4-0 humiliations by Everton and Southampton, Pards sat blandly behind a desk, mic in hand, and waffled his way through the usual bingo card of banal, platitudinous inanities about “working hard on the training pitch” to “get things right” for “the fans” who are “hurting, just like we are.” Grayson Perry has Alan Measles, while Mike Ashley has Alan Weasel. Nobody would have given Pards and his weasel words any less credence if Steven Taylor had uttered them; suffice to say, it appears that Pards and Tim Sherwood get their lorry load of bespoke clichés delivered by courier just before each press conference. It really is an insult to our collective intelligence that Pards has the temerity to continue to say these things, which we know he doesn’t believe; typically enough, Pards got “the reaction” he was striving for when Manchester United, who’ve struggled to win an argument this campaign, cruised home 4-0 to almost mass indifference from the entire North East, which is as great an indictment of the poisonous Ashley regime as I can think of. How on earth this populist charlatan is still in a job when a fundamentally decent man like Chris Hughton has been bulleted by Norwich City is beyond me; perhaps Ashley and Pards assume that eventually indifference will defeat anger and the club will sink into a state of turgid inertia; the cash sea cow in the Premier League’s pelagic zone, avoiding relegation and churning out enough of a profit to allow the “owner” to get his money back sooner than later. 

Clearly, I wasn’t at the game, so the only passion I saw on Saturday 5th April from Newcastle United fans was the righteous anger of those missing the 38 from outside Grounsell Park into town. I told them they ought to take this as a sign to jack in their tickets and follow The Stan, but the initial outlay in buying a season ticket has kept a considerable number of people over a barrel. It will be interesting to see how true this pernicious economic endgame will be next season when the effect of those intending to chuck their financial and emotional commitment to the club can be analysed. These days it seems either the excuse for a day on the gargle or the sheer cost of tickets is often the only reason why people justify attending St. James Park, or at least it used to be. I was given a free ticket for SJP for Saturday gone, which I obviously had no intention of using, and it must have taken me 10 attempts to get rid of it; for nothing as well. Imagine that being the case 20 years ago? Unthinkable, as was the idea of half a dozen Newcastle fans sacking off this game to go and support a non-league side from the other end of the country against Blyth Spartans. Still, they could probably feel justified as they sat on the X5 back home as the Real BSFC, the most famous non-league club in the world, had lost 1-0 at home to a team followed by Manchester United fans in absentia

Replicating such indolent indifference, NUST made it 11 weeks since their AGM and 8 weeks since the election results for the NUST Board without any sign of a public meeting or meaningful dialogue with the membership, so as an ordinary member of both NUST and FSF, I contacted the regulatory body for fan-led organisations, Supporters Direct, to see what their opinions about this state of affairs were. In short, the bloke who got back to me wasn’t too keen on intervening just yet; edited highlights of his email are as follows -:

The number of meetings that NUST has had since their AGM is not a surprise… What is important is that a trust communicates regularly with their membership and potential supporters… I have taken the time to speak with Peter Fanning (person responsible for minutes of Fans Forum being post on NUST website in breach of agreed protocol and recently reselected NUST Board member) from the Trust, and he has explained that they will be holding more open meetings in the not too distant future. All I can advise at this stage is that you continue to play an active role as a member, and continue to show an interest in NUST's activities: Active membership is vital to the success of an organisation like NUST, and indeed the wider trust movement. If you do ever have any further concerns or more information, please let me know, but at this stage I don't have any concerns that I view would merit require further investigations.

Clearly, that last sentence was an invite for further contact from me and, as yet, I await Supporters Direct’s response to my follow-up email. Obviously they’ll be as amazed as I am by the news of the Mike Ashley Out Campaign’s latest publicity stunt.



Last week, the story of Mark Menzies was all over the press; a Tory MP caught with his strides down in the presence of a rent boy with half a pound of jazz talc up his bugle. Amusing though the negative publicity was, his sexuality and personal indiscretion is only a story in the sense it allowed the ruling elite to slip out the news in Monday’s Financial Times that 60% of the ConDem’s austerity measures are yet to bite; that is a real tragedy.  Maria Miller MP trousering a load of dodgy expenses is a similar red herring; of course she’s corrupt, avaricious and should be hounded out of public life at the earliest opportunity, but keep your eyes on the bigger picture. Miller and Menzies may be the sacrificial lambs slaughtered as true capitalist malfeasance actually runs amok. The good thing is that at least I know how to respond to this news; unfortunately I’m really unsure what to make of the Mike Ashley Out Campaign’s open top bus stunt.

Initially when I heard about it, I was staggered at how corny it seemed. However, I attended both the coffin stunt and the Willie Wonka parody, both of which went off well. I wasn’t at the Time 4 Change march, but by all accounts it was a roaring success. As my last NUFC blog (http://payaso-de-mierda.blogspot.co.uk/2014/03/anomie-in-uk.html) pointed out, Graeme Cansdale, the owner of Mike Ashley Out Campaign is a man of impeccable morals and unstinting devotion to his motivation of removing Ashley, even if his assistants on Twitter seem happy to compromise the imperative of fan ownership in the hope of finding a Geordie billionaire. However, Graeme has been on the NUST Board for 2 months now and I’m still waiting for the email announcing when an ordinary meeting of members is taking place, which is an indictment of the entire NUST Board, especially as we ordinary members have had no explanation for this wall of silence. Perhaps this appropriation of the code of omerta is why seats on the open topped bus weren’t available for ordinary members of NUST; indeed it doesn’t as yet appear possible to get the rationale behind the mechanism for inviting the MAOC chosen few who made it into the inner sanctum on the top deck. Additionally, as yet, I’ve not heard anything first hand from anyone who saw or took part in this bus stunt. If I do, I’ll let you know. Frankly, despite freelancer Martin Hardy writing about it in The Independent, very few people I know have given the bus stunt a first, never mind a second thought.

What is captivating the attention of many people of my acquaintance is the incontinent and immediate disappearance of the print versions of Newcastle United’s longest running fanzine, The Mag, after 289 issues and another of Baltic Publications’ titles, True Faith, after 111 issues. Of course, The Mag’s editor Mark Jensen has been a part of NUST’s board since the 2010 elections and Michael Martin, who fulfils a similar role at True Faith, was elected in February. With Steve Wraith passing on #9 to an editorial board drawn from supporters of NUFC Fans United and Mickey Edmundson’s Black & White Daft disappearing, it seems that Newcastle has gone from 4 print fanzines to none. This is actually a terribly sad state of affairs, as it leaves Heaton Stannington’s programme as the best non-digital football publication on Tyneside.

As I sat upstairs on the 38 (not “the metty” with a cat from the Curva Nord I have to stress) to High Heaton, heading back to The Stan and my people in Dene ward, it occurred to me that there is a gap in the market for a quality, printed NUFC fanzine; not one that is, and I stress these are only my personal opinions, dull as dishwater like The Mag, other than Chris Tait’s pieces, has been since 2004 or the po-faced and hectoring approach that True Faith has had since issue 51, but a publication that is an actual republique des lettres. We need a stripped-down, back-to-basics, print inkie, full of thoughtful, articulate, nuanced, crafted pieces from writers who are granted the length to develop their ideas fully. It can’t be like Twitter. We need warmth, compassion and inclusivity.


Watch this space…

Sunday, 6 April 2014

Why I am standing for TUSC


There comes a time in everyone’s life when words are no longer enough; for me I think it was the untimely death of Bob Crow, who so inspired me with his oratory firstly at a rally on Newcastle Quayside on the occasion of the strike by members of UCU, NUT, PCS and other unions to try and protect public sector pensions on November 30th 2012 and latterly at the Durham Miners’ Gala last July. I think his passing told me that impotent rage, furiously directed at the television during Newsnight, Panorama or Question Time would get me nowhere; raving and bawling at the telly was preaching to the converted at home and wouldn’t achieve anything. This is why I’ve decided to do something. Specifically, I am intending to stand for Trade Unionist and Socialist Coalition in May’s Council Elections in my ward, Dene. This is provided I achieve the necessary 10 nominations needed to get my name on the ballot, of course.

Instinctively, my politics lead me towards the Socialist Party of Great Britain (http://www.worldsocialism.org/index.php), but let’s be perfectly honest, the philosophy of SPGB and companion parties are idealist to the point of an impossible dream. I’ve been pragmatic enough to vote for a whole array of parties to the left of Labour over the years; not just SPGB, but Respect, the Communist Party and in the last European elections and this one as well, the appallingly monikered coalition No2EU. In both that amalgamation and TUSC, the key word is coalition, showing it to be an amalgamation of varying strands of current left wing organisations. As the SWP is part of TUSC, I was worried; not only because I have no time for them after their latest appalling sex scandal and the way they covered it up, but also from my pragmatic union branch secretary role, where as a UCU IBL activist, I’ve fought consistently against the dreadful tactics of wrongheaded confrontation over the past 7 years; if the SWP had anything to do with it, they wouldn’t want me on the ballot. However, I’ve passed muster, despite not being on message with either the SWP or the former Militant group who abandoned entrism and are now known as the Socialist Party.

It isn’t my intention to join the Socialist Party or SWP after this election, but I am paying a standing order to TUSC each month from now on, because I agree with the core principles that TUSC is standing on, which can be viewed at www.tusc.org.uk  but essentially state that all elected TUSC representatives will -:

  • Oppose all cuts to council jobs, services, pay and conditions.
  • Refuse to implement the Bedroom Tax.
  • Support all workers' struggles against the cuts, privatisation and the government's policy of making ordinary people pay for the crisis caused by the bankers and the bosses.
  • Reject increases in council tax, rent and service charges to compensate for government cuts.
  • Vote against the privatisation of council jobs and services, or the transfer of council services to 'social enterprises' or 'arms-length' management organisations.
  • Oppose racism and fascism and stand up for equality for all.
  • Use all the legal powers available to councils to oppose both the cuts and government policies which centrally impose the transfer of public services to private bodies.
  • Campaign for the introduction of a Living Wage above the minimum wage, including for council employees and those working for council contractors.
  • Vote for councils to refuse to implement the cuts.
  • Support action against climate change and for a future where sustainability comes before profit.
Now, let’s be honest about this, these policies are not radical; they are the basic, decent values that any human being who has a scintilla of compassion for the human race would share. Sadly, I’m not going to win; High Heaton has returned Lib Dems for the whole 16 I’ve lived here and I would imagine for a similar period before that. Pre Gang of Four, I’d warrant that the Tories, who haven’t existed on Newcastle City Council for a generation now, would have been the incumbents. However, I feel it behoves me to offer an alternative to the supporters and apologists of austerity from Lib Dem and Labour. The election is May 23rd, but I need nominations as soon as possible. If you live in Dene ward and are prepared to nominate me, please let me know as a matter of urgency.


Thank you for reading.

Wednesday, 26 March 2014

Anomie in the UK


Dromio: There’s no time for a man to recover his hair that grows bald by nature…
Antipholus:  Why, but there’s many a man hath more with than hair.
Dromio: Not a man of those but he hath the wit to lose his hair.
(The Comedy of Errors II ii 75-77)

On Tuesday 25th March, I had fully intended to attend the 125th Anniversary game between a Northern League Select and an FA XI at Bishop Auckland’s Heritage Park, which is one of the very few Northern League grounds I’ve not been to; the others are Newton Aycliffe and Penrith’s new home incidentally. Everything was in place, with lifts there and back organised until the toad work squatted on my life and made an early departure an impossibility. Instead, I did my son a favour; having been given a free ticket for Newcastle United versus Everton by our friend Gary, who was stuck at work, Ben ducked out on the basis he needs to complete his A Level History coursework on the Sheffield Outrages, which have little or nothing to do with Neil Warnock’s tenure at Bramall Lane surprisingly enough.  It was time for me to adopt the fatherly role and take in the visit of The Toffees that allowed us to celebrate 10 Years of Tayls. In the absence of “Pards,” who was completing his 3 game stadium ban, the support needs the analytical words of someone they can trust. Cometh the hour; cometh the man.

Suffice to say, I’m feeling desperately remorseful for having attended SJP, but not for reasons to do with the eventual result. As ever, my mantra is that it matters not one whit who is in charge of Newcastle United, who plays for them or indeed where the team finishes in the league whilst Ashley is in charge. We need Ashley OUT now and 100% Fan Ownership IN, although I am prepared to accept 51% Fan Ownership as a transitional demand. Consequently a 3-0 home reverse, though it may be a grievous wound in our thrilling campaign to secure 8th spot in the Premier League and disappointing though the final score was, is ultimately of very little meaning in the wider scheme of things.  The real reason for my guilt was the fact that only 305 people made it to Bishop Auckland last night and the league chairman alludes to how let down he feels by that figure in his daily blog. I can’t speak for anyone else at my club Heaton Stannington, but as a non-driver, getting to South West Durham by public transport when I could only leave Tynemouth at 5.30 was an utter impossibility.

So, what was the game like? To be honest, not that bad; certainly there was no truth in any witticisms that stated Pardew was the lucky one to miss it because he was serving the last game of his stadium ban. Read the www.nufc.com match report, as they call it right; a logical, reasoned evaluation of an evening where we deserved to lose to a better side, but not by such a margin. Biffa’s wise words are utterly without malice, hysteria or the need scapegoat players with needless, ill-founded ad hominem abuse.  It will be of utterly no consolation to Manchester United fans to learn that Everton are a vastly improved side since Martinez replaced Moyes. In attack, they were lethal; there has been no fiercer a critic of Tim Krul than me, but the keeper had absolutely no chance with 3 superb finishes into the roof of the net. Up front Everton were superb to watch; Lukaku, Barkley, Deulofeu and substitute Osman were incisive and effective in a way that Newcastle United will never aspire to be when Remy, our one world class player, is missing. This does not mean our defence played badly; Krul, as has been pointed out, had no chance with any of the goals and made three other impressive saves, while Williamson was steady as ever and Coloccini made only one error, which gifted them their final goal. At full back, Dummett may not be as good as Haidara, whose absence is causing an outbreak of Marveaux Syndrome related to his supposed ability, but he is a far better option than Santon and utterly undeserving the bile-spitting penmanship and tweeting of a section of our support who seem desperate for him to fail. Calling him “Ramage with a better hairstyle” is simply stupid. However, we can concede that Yanga-Mbiwa, fine player he is, had an utter nightmare and the return of Debuchy can’t come quick enough. In midfield Tiote was excellent, while Sissoko, Gouffran and Anita all put in worthy showings, even if the latter two players missed excellent opportunities in the 2nd and 77th minutes respectively. Anita’s miss, which was terrible, was the cue for the SJP fire drill which gained greater momentum when Osman made it 3-0.  Up front Cisse tried his best all night; making runs, showing himself, never hiding, though De Jong remained a disappointment; I remain to be convinced he can offer enough of a goal threat at this level. The most ridiculous part of the entire evening was seeing Shola lumbering onto the pitch in the 89th minute; was he supposed to score a hat trick? One wonders exactly what level of irony was being employed with that tactical switch and just exactly how did he feel when Carver told him to get stripped? Still, it could have been worse; it could have been Tayls fistpumping his way onto the pitch, which would have been enough to get me to leave early. Instead, I stayed to the end and applauded them off; Yanga-Mbiwa and De Jong apart, the team had given a decent account of themselves and had been defeated by a good side. Sometimes you have to admit your limitations and not start cry-arsing about how unfair the truth is; either on “the metty” home with your pals or on-line, whether the subject of your complaint is NUFC’s latest accounts, the most recent Fans Forum minutes of the club website or coruscating judgements about NUST.


Unfounded criticism may sting, but the truth can wound. The 1967 Arab-Israeli conflict is often known as The Six Day War. John Reed’s memorable account of the November 1917 Bolshevik Revolution was entitled Ten Days That Shook the World. Andy Warhol once commented that “in the future, everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes.” Somebody ought to mention these facts to the Newcastle United Supporters’ Trust, as at the time of writing, it is 65 days since their AGM when chair Norman Watson announced that it was NUST’s intention to be more outward looking in the year to come and that NUST’s board were seeking to properly engage with ordinary members.  It is also 37 days since the results of elections to the board of NUST were announced and, during that time, the only contact from NUST to ordinary members has been a link to a dire on-line fanzine from the dynastic Shachtmanites at the Football Supporters’ Federation and a handwringing set of platitudes over the club’s proposed sale of the land behind the Gallowgate without, it must be said, any suggestion of a meeting of members to debate an organised strategy to this or any other developments.

Another intriguing post on the NUST website is an account of the findings of the All-Party Parliamentary Football Group’s discussions on fan involvement and the on-going campaign by Supporters Direct for more involvement at club level. I find this somewhat ironic, considering NUST is still refusing to engage with its own members. Personally, I sent an email to Norman Watson asking when the next open meeting of NUST members would be taking place almost two weeks ago; as yet I’ve had no reply. Perhaps I ought to take up my concerns with Supporters Direct. Contrast NUST’s disinclination to acknowledge correspondence from an ordinary member with the fact that Chi Onwurah MP managed to get a response to her offer of an olive branch to Ashley, even if it was a curt, brusque dismissal of her concerns by the owner’s factotum, Lee Charnley who, in the manner of the late Sir David Frost, appears to have risen without trace in the Newcastle United administrative hierarchy. Although, bearing in mind that SJP is a sporting Marie Celeste on non-matchdays (a situation that appears to be the eventual aim of the ownership when home games take place in the future), anyone who is still in a job on Strawberry Place and can compose a simple declarative sentence of confrontational intent could clamber up the greasy pole in the way Charnley has.  

However, we are not living in Elizabethan times; ambition, as demonstrated by Macbeth for instance, is not to be frowned upon. Although, putting oneself in the public eye, whether it is through promotion or nomination, and I speak as someone intending to contest the Dene ward of Newcastle City Council in the May local elections for the Trade Unionist and Socialist Coalition, means that judgements will be made by those who encompass the entire spectrum of humanity from the ignorant and indolent to the informed and involved. To expect otherwise and to respond with the whiff of burning martyr, as acrid as a smouldering tyre-strewn bonfire on the Eleventh Night, is naïve in my judgement.  Criticism is par for the course; the sad fact is that much criticism is unfair and unfounded. A dozen or so people were unhappy with the blog I posted last time out that appears in the current issue of Stand  magazine; some of them even read what I had to say and a couple of them may have understood it. Much of the criticism was inaccurate and unfounded, but I didn’t allow it to bother me. You simply can’t please all of the people all of the time; the trick is to learn exactly who’s criticising you in a constructive way and consider their points, perhaps even take their thoughts on board, while factoring out the irrelevant, the mendacious and the moronic.

I know one of the newly elected NUST board members relatively well and like him tremendously, having worked at close quarters with him in NUFC Fans United and admired his tireless devotion to both the Mike Ashley Out Campaign and Time 4 Change. Knowing what I know about him, I have dismissed out of hand in the most strident manner possible the snide criticisms that others have mentioned to me, claiming that the prior activities with which he has been involved have all been done with the intent of getting himself a cushy number among the supporting elite. To suggest that is the case is a preposterous and unfair lie.  Let me state without question that I agree with Steve Wraith’s comment in his editorial of issue 3 of #9 fanzine; Graeme Cansdale deserves the freedom of Newcastle upon Tyne for the hours of unstinting, devoted work he has willingly put in to try and save the soul of Newcastle United.

However, and this is where things get difficult, I understand the disappointment that is being expressed in many quarters with NUST’s continued inactivity, especially post-election. I would equate it to the feelings of being let down so many people experienced after Blair’s government came to power in 1997 and absolutely nothing changed.  The elections were a chance for NUST to reinvent themselves and talk to we ordinary members. This hasn’t happened. Yet.  

I know I didn’t stand for NUST board election and I realise that if I had, I may not have been successful, bearing in mind the calibre of the other candidates. However, and this is a big however, if I had come out of that first board meeting post-election on March 11th , the same night as the Under 21s hosted Chelsea in the FA Youth Cup and The Stan fell to a 3-1 home loss to Chester le Street Town, knowing full well that the promised interaction with members would not have been happening any time soon, and 15 days later I think it is fair to say none of us are holding our collective breath in the expectation of a full public or members only meeting this side of the Twelfth of Never, I would have gone public with that fact and fuck the consequences even if it meant that I was in breach of some kind of protocol. After all, NUST were in a hell of a hurry to publish the minutes of the first Fans Forum on their website. I’ve not seen such alacrity when it comes to publish accounts of their own meetings.

I call upon the NUST board to fulfil the promise of the AGM of Wednesday 22nd January and address the ordinary membership via a full meeting to discuss the strategy of the organisation moving forward. This is needed not only to keep their word, but also to maintain the good name of at least one of the newly elected board members. Perhaps it will also quell the groundswell of dissatisfaction and disengagement Newcastle United’s support is in danger of succumbing to. Far better we side with the carnivalesque philosophy of Mikhail Bakhtin than subside to the SJP equivalent of Emile Durkheim’s description of torpid anomie.


Rosalind: O, how full of briars is this… world!
Duke: Sweet are the uses of adversity.

(As You Like It II i 11-12)

Tuesday, 18 March 2014

The Cult of the Personality

It is now 8 weeks since the NUST AGM and 4 weeks since the publication of election results to the NUST Board. In that time, contrary to promises made at the AGM, no attempt has been made to interact or consult with the wider fan base. This doesn't surprise me; it should, but it doesn't. This depresses me; it shouldn't, but it does. It is also 1 week since "Stand" issue #7 was published, with this article by me in it.... I think it rather relevant....

We must carry on the widest agitation among the masses in favour of an armed uprising and make no attempt to obscure this… or to befog it in any way. We would be deceiving both ourselves and the people if we concealed from the masses the necessity of a desperate, bloody war of extermination, as the immediate task of the coming revolutionary action. Lenin; Lessons of the Moscow Uprising.

Without question, the internet has had many positive effects on the nature and culture of being a football supporter in the 21st Century.  Aided by a quick-fire cyber evolution over the past decade that has seen fans interacting and organising through the influence of independent websites, message boards, blogs and social media platforms, Twitter in particular, it has become far easier to discuss not just your club, on line and in real life, but the myriad, disparate elements that combine to make up the life of the contemporary fan, many of whom say they are, at some elemental if ill-defined level, #AgainstModernFootball.

I presume you noticed my semi-ironic use of the typography consistent with a Twitter hashtag at the end of the previous paragraph; this is on account of a process of social media Darwinism, which has seen Twitter wipe the floor with every rival in terms of finding a place for fans of different teams to interact. It is necessary, however shambolically, to get on the dance floor. While most message boards provide team-specific emotional support networks or alternately bear pit on-line fight clubs for fans who vary from laidback dabblers in search of general chat to alpha male, testosterone infused, swivel eyed zealots, the general message board now seems a curious anachronism. Well-meaning dullards with social consciences on their sleeves populate The Guardian, while non-match going polyversity Media Studies and Sociology dropouts lamely attempt to outdo each other in the postmodern, ironic stakes on the like of the frighteningly precious WSC forum. 5,000 word polysyllabic posts simply don’t grab the attention of today’s crusading #AgainstModernFootball cultural gauleiter, not when they have 140 characters, as well as an appended smartphone snap, to describe a Casual Connoisseur polo shirt to feast their intellect on instead.

My league club is Newcastle United; I’ve seen them twice in 2013/2014, preferring instead to concern myself with the role of programme editor at my local non-league side, Heaton Stannington of Northern League Division 2, though I am deeply involved with the pressure group NUFC Fans United. Despite media suggestions to the contrary, many of which are unquestioningly accepted and embellished by followers of other clubs, Newcastle United’s support isn’t predominantly composed of fickle, impatient post 92, replica shirt wearing Sky fans demanding the return of Keegan and a Champions’ League win yesterday. Newcastle United fans, by and large, are ordinary football fans, just like you, who care passionately about the fortunes of their club. Some of them wear club shop tat, while others sashay up the Barrack Road catwalk in designer garb that must cost far more than their annual season ticket. I can’t even begin to speculate how they afford to dress like that.

When people ask me, at work, at Heaton Stan games, in the pub or on Twitter, whether it is difficult for me not to watch my team play, I reply that it is almost impossible, but my personal mantra remains that where Newcastle United finish in the league and who plays for or manages of the team is utterly irrelevant while Mike Ashley owns the club. My unshakeable belief is that we need Mike Ashley OUT and 100% Fan Ownership IN, though I am prepared to accept 51% Fan Ownership as a transitional demand. I realise my view is a minority one, but I hold it fervently and constantly seek to persuade other fans, in the flesh and on Twitter, of the veracity of my belief. Unfortunately, I’m not having much luck, as an insidious apolitical, materialist weltanschauung appears to be gaining currency among those who would consider themselves the advanced section of NUFC’s support.

The quotation that prefaces this article is an appropriate one; supporters of Lenin, then and now, see themselves as part of a self-selected revolutionary vanguard, perhaps small in number and generally slavishly devoted to some charismatic autodidactic absolute ideological leader, but advanced in terms of their political understanding and ability to guide the masses in the correct direction to enhance their political demands. Frankly, as a subscriber to the anti-authoritarian avowedly Marxist theories posited by the Situationist International, such a standpoint nauseates me, but also it begins to alarm me, more and more, especially as I see Twitter as being the breeding ground for similar wrongheaded, perhaps unconsciously proto Leninist philosophical theories among football fans, especially at my own club.

Despite the above average season on the pitch, supporter unrest with the toxic Ashley regime is growing on Tyneside; membership of NUFC Fans United and the moribund FSF approved Newcastle United Supporters’ Trust is massively up and a march before the Liverpool home game, under the banner Time For Change was well attended, even by those well-meaning types in Wonga replica tops who had previously steadfastly claimed they were only interested in supporting the team on the pitch. This to me was a glorious affirmation of the Situationist concept of spectacle, as Guy Debord described it; a moment of life concretely and deliberately constructed by the collective organization of a unitary ambience and a game of events. It was a revolutionary moment for almost all Newcastle United fans and garnered almost universal supporter approval. However those among the support who were most conspicuous by their absence from the march, from subsequent engagement with fans’ groups and from any meaningful involvement in attempting to save the soul of the clubs are those who it seems are most likely to use #AMF as a hashtag, as #AMF appears to mean little else other than a shallow insistence on being conspicuously attired in exclusive threads on a match day.

Indeed, the majority of them took to Twitter to denounce and denigrate those who took part, generally on the superficial basis of the attire of the marchers. Such appalling commodity fetishism is the clearest example imaginable of false consciousness among a layer of NUFC’s support whose inertia and social media profile mark them out to be de facto ideologically right wing, whether they accept this or not. Marking the distinction between the haves and the have nots in terms of their wardrobe is Thatcherism, pure and simple.

I think it undeniable that many current football casuals, as opposed to the originals from the 80s, are middle-class, conformist, affluent and socially, if not politically, conservative. They probably view any suggestion they are either Leninists or Thatcherites with equal bemused revulsion, but their class origins and loyalties perhaps need serious consideration. Certainly, to be able to afford £600 jackets one must have a more than decent income. While some of those espousing the quality of 6876 do have a public school education, this is by no means compulsory. As the Duke of Wellington observed, one does not need to have been born in a stable to be a horse; conformist attitudes, such as veneration of the forces of social control, by criticising players such as James McClean who chose not to wear a remembrance poppy, or regarding the inquest verdict after the execution of Mark Duggan as right and proper, on account of ideological proximity to the police, seem to as common among the bona drag popinjays as the replica shirt wearers.

However, there is an even more bizarre ironic inconsistency to the confused ideology of a gang who are closer to Leon Brittain than Leon Trotsky. Thursday evenings allows the Materialist Marxists to remember their social conscience for an hour; Question Time sees them attempting to be more Karl Marx than Karl Lagerfeld. In such a limited time scale and on such a restricted platform, they denounce coalition politicians with a scorn normally reserved for their opinions of less well dressed NUFC fans. In my eyes though, adopting such a stance, as well as an #AMF hashtag does not materially advance the cause of football fans one iota.


Football fans, at Newcastle United as at every club, whether they shop at Peaceful Hooligan or Primark, are of equal value and equal validity. We are all one and we are all equal. We do not need charismatic self-appointed leaders imposing their will on the minority of servile self-interested camp followers of such quasi dictators, while claiming this is the authentic voice of the #AMF tendency. The game is ours; the clubs are ours. Let us unite democratically, as we are all of equal worth and have the right to an equal voice, and seek to assume what is culturally, spiritually and emotionally rightfully ours. Let’s be properly UNITED.

Wednesday, 12 March 2014

Eyes & Ears 1

I'd like to dedicate this first cultural blog of the year to Bob Crow; an indefatigable fighter for the working class, an inspirational orator and  a devoted Socialist. He saw the madness in our area and his legacy must be for us all to carry on the fight. His was a life well lived but ended too soon.


So, 2014 is almost a quarter of the way through already and I’ve not taken the time to discuss my cultural meanderings with my readership as yet. This is the time for that action I feel. Firstly I have to say that certain aspects of my potential intellectual enrichment have been forced to take a back seat, partly because of indolence and partly because of pressure of time, what with having my mam in hospital for 6 weeks and the attendant stress caused by that. Television has been off the agenda; Inspector George Gently and Moone Boy are about the only things that aren’t news or football related that I would have bothered with anyway and both series are stacked up on Sky + waiting for me to sort my life out. You see Moone Boy is on a Monday and I play football 6-7 every week, as well as Team Northumbria having 3 successive home games on those nights; what’s a fella to do? I also play on a Thursday between 9 and 10, so Martin Shaw’s magnum opus has similarly been rusticated. Less forgivable has been my lack of reading, but here goes for an analysis of what I’ve actually got round to flicking through.
Books:

Ken Sproat has been my mate for a long, long time; we share mutual love of The Fall, loony left politics and non-league football. We are now both published authors as Ken has issued the product of a decade’s devoted research, The History of Blyth Spartans. In painstaking, minute detail, Ken tells the story of football in his south east Northumberland home town from the earliest mid Victorian days until the present. The result is an absolutely exhaustive account of his club’s triumphs and travails. I found both the detailed accounts of the early years and the section from the mid-70s onwards, because the latter is when my football awareness grew beyond simply the upper ranks of the professional game, to be particularly fascinating. A joy to read and a bottomless treasure trove of recondite trivia that both fascinates and delights. I thoroughly recommend it.

I also recommend Borrokaria (The Fighter), by the Basque novelist Bernardo Atxaga, which was given to me by my cousin John, when he was over from Vitoria Gasteiz for our Uncle Harry’s funeral at the end of January. The novel is made up of three different short and intrinsically and intricately inter-related texts. In the first, a man who recalls his past and fears his decline meets his destiny; he is no longer the strongest man in the area, as his son fights him to prove that the next generation is the older one’s nemesis. In the second, another man, possibly the victorious son, writes about the boxing match he’s about to fight in in Reno, Nevada and in the third the narrator reflects on the images that people leave behind when they die, especially when the dead is the once proud son who has turned into a traitor to the very people who idolised his youthful bravery. Three different texts, a single story, beautifully and sparingly written, it combines deep compassion with unforgiving judgement. A stunning and effective novella that makes me anxious to read more of Atxaga’s work.

The only other book I’ve got through this year is Eric Sykes’s rambling and desperately uneven autobiography; If I Don’t Write It, Nobody Else Will. The problem is that Sykes may have been a great writer of sketches and gags, but he was a dreadful writer of prose, especially during the latter sections of the book, which are less than scintillating as Sykes cuts his losses with television and settles into life as a national treasure. It's a charmed life, for which Sykes repeatedly credits the supernatural guidance of his mother, who died giving birth, and one does not begrudge him an ounce of his success, particularly given the debilitating struggle with deafness which began in early middle age. Yet Sykes's rambling reminiscences acquire a rather cloying air of complacency as he becomes successful; of far more interest is his unsentimental account of his poverty stricken Oldham childhood and his wartime experiences that make the struggle to defeat the Third Reich seem more like outtakes from a lost Will Hay comedy or a prototype Carry On wheeze. At least he doesn’t come across as a grade 1 bastard, unlike Milligan or Sellers for example.
Theatre:



My only previous visit to the Customs House in South Shields was to see The Fall in October 1996; in the very worst of his Jeffrey Barnard inspired tantrums, a babbling, incoherent and excessively refreshed Mark E Smith failed to take the stage, meaning the gig was pulled, the scuffers called and several protesting fans lead away in cuffs. A bad night. On February 13th, I returned in the company of my friend Gary on a pair of freebies to see a play, Away From Home, about the relationship between a young man and a Premier League footballer. Kyle, a young male prostitute who refuses to work on Saturdays during the football season, gets a call from his pimp as he is watching the match with his macho mates in the pub. The pimp has a special client. It is the footballer who has just scored the last-minute equaliser against Kyle’s team. Intrigued he agrees to the job.

What follows is an accomplished one-man performance from Ward which tells the story of Kyle’s strained relationship with his parents, his deep friendship with his best mate Mac from whom he hides his sexuality, and the job which turns to an affair with the top Premiership footballer who goes out drinking with buxom beards after the match, for the cameras, but then returns to the city-centre penthouse he has bought for Kyle. The twist, whereby Kyle’s Dad’s terminal illness affects reconciliation between estranged father and son, is corny and only a step away from melodrama.

However, Away From Home was convincing acted by the talented Ward and has as much to say about the confines of expected sporting behaviour as it does about the institutionally homophobic nature of professional football. Hopefully this play, written by the gay football fanatic Ward, can educate those involved in football about the dated, destructive intolerance of homophobia and explain to those from outside the game that simple act of coming out is not always a viable option for those at the highest levels of football, because of a multiple matrix of complex and competing social influences.
Music:

Three purchased CDs and three gigs so far; let’s start off with the familiar location of Fairport Convention’s 2014 Winter Tour stop off at Sage Hall 2.

Later this year Fairport Convention hope to record their first album of new songs for some time. Test-driving the new material live brings welcome variety to their annual Winter Tour the set list for which in past years had become somewhat familiar. The 2014 Tour takes the group from their earliest techniques into the future. Prior to being pigeonholed as folk-rock pioneers the group had success bringing an English flavour to songs by American singer –songwriters. They return to this approach at the start of their set joining support act Edwina Hayes in a version of John Prine’s Speed of the Sound of Loneliness. The quality of Hayes’s voice is such that the group co-opts her back to the stage during their set to expertly take the vocal parts of the late Sandy Denny on Who Knows Where the Time Goes? and help to build the anthem Meet on the Ledge.

The new material is refreshingly varied ranging from a brooding Home through a lively and bright On Me You Can Depend to straightforward rock. Even the classic material has a fresher quality as the group chooses tunes that haven’t been played live for some years. Doctor of Physick is an unexpected highlight, while the raucous jig and reel Dirty Linen offers a particular challenge for Matthew Pegg who has joined the group on bass at short notice after his father Dave was left unable to play due to an injury sustained in a wineglass/dishwasher incident. Rock and roll huh? Pegg Senior acts as a sort of MC introducing the opening and closing numbers, as Fairport Convention enjoy a very close relationship with their audience but do not allow this to hinder the development of momentum that is essential for a successful concert. Hence, the relaxed approach of the band can switch off instantly for the climactic, timeless murder ballad Matty Groves.
The Winter Tour of 2014 is a welcome demonstration that, even after more than 45 years in showbiz, Fairport Convention are unwilling to rest on their laurels preferring instead to take risks and try out new material, unlike the first CD to be discussed.

The New Mendicants are Norman Blake of Teenage Fanclub and Joe Pernice of The Pernice Brothers; last year’s Australia EP was 2013’s stand out short release in my book and their debut full length, Into The Lime, is the best thing I’ve heard so far this year, containing all of the classy songcraft, jangling guitars, and big harmonies fans expected. It almost comes as a relief that the two beloved songsmiths didn't use this project as a platform for some other sort of wild artistic experimentation. Along with drummer Mike Belitsky, the only native Canadian in this Toronto-based trio, Blake and Pernice play to their strengths, delivering ten strong songs that echo not just their own bands, but classic '60s influences like the Hollies and the Byrds. From the opening organ/piano riff of the brilliant Sarasota, the band's arrangements are subtly thrilling, yet comfortably laid-back. There's a very relaxed, unhurried atmosphere to the album which speaks of the members' many years of friendship and combined studio experience. The sublime Cruel Annette blends the two singers' styles into something new for both.

Several of the album's songs were originally intended to soundtrack the film adaptation of Nick Hornby's novel A Long Way Down, but ended up on the cutting room floor. However, even when the Mendicants are singing about suicide and depression, like on A Very Sorry Christmas Eve, they insist on those big harmonic choruses which have melted the hearts of so many Teenage Fanclub listeners over the past 20-odd years. There are buzzy guitars along with piano and organ ornamentations that will please fans of orchestrated pop, but the focus remains largely on the top-notch songwriting and the pleasing blend of voices and familiar styles. While it would be a shame to let the Mendicants' future impede the progress of any new records by the group's flagship bands, this is a wonderful debut and certainly worthy of a follow-up album, especially if they can look at Sandy Denny’s legacy and come up with a song as glorious as By The Time It Gets Dark to admirably cover, or a hoedown stomp like Lifelike Hair that brings proceedings to a close. Very highly recommended.

I had to miss Mogwai’s gig in late January as it was on a Wednesday night and conflicted with my evening class, so I opted to buy their Rave Tapes CD instead, the band's eighth album outside of their soundtrack and remix work. The first song to be released from the album, Remurdered, is something of a red herring. If that song feels like a fuller manifestation of ideas that have taken over a decade for Mogwai to reach, Rave Tapes mostly tells a different story; one that digs harder into a place they've consistently circled back to throughout their career.

This is the second Mogwai album in less than a year, following their creepy 2013 soundtrack to the French TV show Les Revenants. That album is among the most introspective work they've ever recorded and it's a tone they've only modestly advanced on for Rave Tapes. It's not hard to pull all the elements together and theorize at how they arrived at the humorous title for the record, which reads as a direct inverse to the morose worldview of the album and a poke at anyone thinking they’ve "gone electronic." Still, that's hard to square with a track like Master Card, where the circular guitar motions they so often make remain front and centre, and the analog sounds skirting across the surface only serve to keep familiar dynamics intact.

It's been 17 years since Mogwai’s debut, Young Team. There's been a natural fade away from that youthful starting point, as well there should be, but still, there are elements left behind from that on Rave Tapes, such as the astonishing ebb and flow of Mogwai Fear Satan, or even getting Roky Erickson to guest on a track.  Rave Tapes is the work of an oddly conservative band, turning away from the openness they once embraced. At some point Mogwai got less interested in testing the boundaries of their music, instead settling for being comfortable working within them. The bassy keyboard grind that emerges at times is a new appendage, but the material it's dressed up in strains under the weight of familiarity, ultimately resembling an exercise in Mogwai box-ticking. It's hard to shake the feeling that this is a band trapped in their own creation, occasionally looking for somewhere else to go but unable or unwilling to fully get there. Frankly, it’s more Tangerine Dream than Throbbing Gristle.

Most groups don't leave behind the core signifiers that bring them attention in the first place, so Mogwai are far from an isolated case when it comes to looping back on themselves, but it does make the level of complacency they're operating at now such a baffling and frustrating end game to it all. At this point it feels like there isn't anywhere else they can go with this music, so infinitesimally small are the strides taken toward a better place. Mogwai have worked heavily in the visual realm in the last year, on Les Revenants and a live performance of their Zidane soundtrack. Maybe the cliché about instrumental bands creating "soundtracks for films that don't exist" has a grain of truth for them after all. Here, Mogwai’s cautionary approach all but drowns out the faint echoes of the once brave band struggling to get out from within. Download only; don’t buy it.

Instead, spend your money on the Band of Holy Joy’s truly splendid Easy Listening for Difficult Times. Geordie hero Johny Brown, still with the magnificent Bill Lewington on drums, has assembled another superb set of musicians to produce the band’s eighteenth long-player, all told. In a thirty-year career that’s reignited three or four times, what’s immediately striking is the regularity with which they’ve hit new high points. They may have seemed to peak in the late 1980s with the classic Manic, Magic, Majestic, but the recent run of Paramour, How to Kill a Butterfly and The North is Another Land, have been of a uniformly superb quality and Easy Listening is BOHJ at their unsettling best. The music, as ever, is enough to make your heart soar. The strings, the piano, the horns and those whipcrack drums all combine to propel Johny on to an ever more passionate recounting of his extraordinary, everyday stories.

Never is this clearer than in There Was a Fall/The Fall, the finest song he has been responsible for since Fishwives, What the Moon Saw or Job Shop. It is a song about Ian Tomlinson, the newspaper seller who was murdered by the police in 2009. There Was a Fall/The Fall is  as unnerving as one would expect from a song that draws on coroner's report-style cold anatomic detail for lyrics, performed with a snarl that, apart from this pared down objectivity, points up a glaring social injustice. It's a potent, furious way of addressing a death that fits into a long cycle of police brutality; a grimly medical account of the consequences of the barbarous assault in question set to a thrilling freeform accompaniment. It was brilliant live, when they played The Cluny 2 on March 2nd. In the presence of Rob Blamire, Gary Chaplin and Pauline Murray, BOHJ did a fabulous version of Don’t Dictate as well. I’ve followed Johny’s career since I saw his first band Speed at the University Theatre sit-in back in August 1977, days after I turned 13, and his art is as great now as it has ever been.  Buy this album and go and see The Band of Holy Joy if you can.

Finally, back in 1977, when I fell in love with Penetration, I hardly imagined that by the time I grew up I’d be pals with them, but that is what has somehow happened. Indeed, Rob and guitarist Paul are also work colleagues. Paul’s former band Nancy bone reformed for a one-off support slot, doing the greatest hits of 1977; everything from The Floral Dance to Heroes to an absolutely blinding Whole Wide World. However, they were only the support, though I thoroughly enjoyed them. Here I was, 36 years later, watching Penetration with my FPX mate Raga, with my son Ben, who went to school with Rob and Pauline’s kids, accompanying us. Guess what? It was fucking mesmerising; Don’t Dictate, Free Money, Life’s A Gamble, Danger Signs and Stone Heroes, the lyrics of which Raga purloined for his O Level English Language essay and gained a B for, all killed it for me. Age shall not wither this lot; brilliant to see and hear. Amazingly, each of the gigs I’ve been to so far this year has been faultless; let’s hope this continues.