Dancing About Architecture #3

 Taken from the latest issue of TQ (#76), here's my analysis of some works of fiction about bands -:

 This is the third musical book review I’ve done for TQ; unlike the other two, which have, by turns, contrasted autobiographies by the formerly wedded Sonic Youth pair Kim Gordon (Girl in a Band) and Thurston Moore (Sonic Life), and compared the lengthy overviews of a particular musical genre (David Keenan; England’s Hidden Reverse) or period in time (Nige Tassell; Whatever Happened to the C86 Kids?), this review concentrates on works of fiction that have music, or specifically bands, at their core. I’ve got a pretty extensive literary library, consisting of approximately 2,000 novels and, much to my surprise, I only found 3 books that are focussed on being in a group. However, see the postscript to this piece for an update on that situation. One of th works about bands is This is Memorial Device by David Keenan, and I don’t think I’m saying anything rash when I tell you it is the best book I’ve ever read about music and that if you’ve not read it, that is a situation which requires remedying at the earliest opportunity. However, as I’ve already written about one of his works in these reviews, he has to take a step back here.

The two novels I’m reviewing here are Espedair Street, by Iain Banks and Powder by Kevin Sampson. An immediate point of contrast is the reputation of the two writers: Banks (1954-2013) was the author of fourteen novels and one non-fiction book. Many of his novels contain elements of autobiography and feature various locations from his native Scotland. In the case of Espedair Street, we’re in Glasgow throughout. Additionally, the non-fiction work Raw Spirit (subtitled In Search of the Perfect Dram) is a travel book of Banks's visits to the distilleries of Scotland in search of the finest whisky, including his musings on other subjects such as cars (he liked them big and fast) and politics (Socialist first and Nationalist second, out of an understandable hatred of English Tories).

As well as these works, Banks wrote thirteen SF novels, nine of which were part of The Culture series, and a short story collection called The State of the Art (1991), which includes some stories set in the same fictional universe. The Culture is a utopian, post-scarcity space society of humanoid aliens, and advanced superintelligent artificial intelligences living in artificial habitats spread across the Milky Way. Each novel is a self-contained story with new characters, although reference is occasionally made to previous novels.

Privately educated Kevin Sampson began his career writing gig reviews for the NME in the 80s and contributed regularly to The Face, Arena, i-D, Sounds, Jamming, The Observer and Time Out before joining Channel 4 as an assistant editor for Youth Programmes, returning to Merseyside in 1990 to help set up Produce Records, enjoying a string of Top 40 hits in the early 1990s, including The Farm's Groovy Train and All Together Now. When The Farm broke up Sampson completed the draft of his unpublished first novel, Awaydays, based on what he saw during his youth at football grounds up and down the country. Awaydays was an immediate critical and commercial success on its release in 1998. Despite having published 10 novels in total, Sampson earns a lucrative living as a TV drama scriptwriter, penning such works as Anne, produced by ITV, which centres on Anne Williams' crusade for justice after the death of her son Kevin in the Hillsborough disaster of 1989. More recently, he was responsible for another ITV product, The Hunt for Raoul Moat.

Iain Banks burst on the literary scene with his extraordinary debut novel, The Wasp Factory, which was published in 1984. This was followed by Walking on Glass (1985), The Bridge (1986) and Espedair Street, his fourth novel, in 1987. In short, though like almost all Banks novels, reducing the plot to a single sentence removes almost all of the colour and strangeness of the book, Espedair Street tells the (fictional) story of the rise to fame of Dan “Weird” Weir, bass guitarist in multimillion selling rock behemoths Frozen Gold, and of his continual struggles to be happy now that he is rich, famous and bored out of his skull, as the group is on indefinite hiatus.

Weird starts out in the Ferguslie Park area of Paisley in a very underprivileged Catholic family. He is impressed by a group named Frozen Gold when he sees them live, in the Students’ Union Bar of Paisley College of Technology, and auditions with them. After he joins the band, he ends up writing all their material and playing bass guitar as the band rises to super stardom in the drug and booze-fuelled 1970s. He reminisces about those experiences from 1980s Glasgow, where he lives as a recluse in a Victorian folly, ever since the tragic events which led to the temporary but lengthy pause in the band’s world domination. He is posing as his own caretaker, and his friends McCann and Wee Tommy know him as Jimmy Hay. After a memorable fight in a nightclub, his real identity is revealed. He has grown uncomfortable with fame and wealth, and eventually visits his first girlfriend, Jean Webb, now living in Arisaig, out in the wilds near Mallaig in the Scottish Highlands.

The band Frozen Gold is loosely modelled on Pink Floyd or Fleetwood Mac, although Banks has said that the character of Weird was in part inspired by Fish, the ex-Marillion singer and lyricist. There is a tone of rock journalism in the parts of the book about Frozen Gold, although crucially, and effectively, Banks makes no effort whatsoever to describe the sound produced by Frozen Gold, allowing the reader to conjure sounds from their own imagination.  As Banks' first novel to eschew 'special effects', not being Gothic horror like The Wasp Factory, a literary mystery like Walking on Glass, or science fiction like The Bridge, most critics regard it as one of his most accessible works. Incidentally, Espedair Street is also a real street in Charleston, Paisley, where some of the significant events in the book take place.

Looking at the book objectively, it is more of a novel of character, specifically how an ordinary person deals with extraordinary events in their life, such as unimaginable wealth and insane levels of fame, while wanting to remain a down to earth bloke. This is what makes it work all the more effectively. In contrast, Kevin Sampson's second novel, Powder, which ostensibly reflects some of his experiences of the music business with The Farm and Produce Records, and subsequent adventures in Ibiza, is more of a performative autobiography than anything realistic. As a public-school boy growing up in an avowedly working-class city, Sampson had to work hard to show his credentials and adopted an air of false authenticity when working with The Farm. If their dull, worthy, indie plod offered them no lasting place in rock’s great pantheon, other than another, interminably cheesy Christmas slice of pop pap in All Together Now, then Sampson is prepared to spin the yarn that their time on the road made Led Zep’s adventures (Google “Shark Episode” for further reference) seem like a vicarage tea party with McFly and The Housemartins.

The main problem is that The Revs, the band at the centre of Powder, just don’t seem to be worth bothering with. A weak as water guitar band, presumably akin to the infamous Colon from The Fast Show’s brilliant Indie Club pastiche, their single album stardom and fall into obscurity seems a fitting trajectory for them, while any hope that the reader will sympathise with their manager, Wheezer, a light-fingered pornography addict, is scuppered by his endless immoral acts. All in all, Powder shows why rock band novels is such a niche genre; my advice to all potential authors would be, don’t write about what doesn’t need to be written about.

POSTSCRIPT: In the months following this review, I managed to read 2 further novels about being in a group. One of them, To Rise in the Dark, by Mancunian postman Nick J Brown, is a tremendous read. Three once-teenage bandmates meet up again after 30 years at the funeral of the other original member. Accompanied by the deceased’s daughter, they go on a Mancunian pub crawl and during it scores are settled and axes ground. It’s a book that boasts excellent character delineation, a realistic and manageable plot, along with punchy dialogue and real sense of location. Like all the best writing about music, it doesn’t dance about architecture, as there is no attempt to describe the music itself. Instead, you care for these three ageing, fallible blokes for the people they were and are, and obviously for the distraught daughter as well. There’s a minor shock at the end, like all good books, but nothing terrible happens, which I was glad about. I strongly recommend this book to you.

The other, The Last Mad Surge of Youth by Mark Hodkinson came into my possession when I afforded myself of the wonderful offer made by Hodkinson’s now sadly defunct Pomona Press imprint, whereby the remnants of their stock was available for postage only. Now admittedly two of the books I ordered failed to turn up, but I did have the pleasure of reading two titles by publisher, owner and author, Mark Hodkinson. Having come to public notice with Life at the Top, a study of Barnsley’s sole Premier League season and later books on Man City and his own beloved Rochdale, Hodkinson branched out into fiction writing as well as football journalism. The Last Mad Surge of Youth is an enjoyable rites of passage, bildungsroman about four mates who start a band that allows three of them to become famous. Unfortunately, the most famous and talented of them become a self-hating, destructive alcoholic, whose only chance of redemption is the process of having his autobiography ghostwritten by a long-lost pal who’d once been in the band but stayed at home to be a small-town journalist and got into a rut. There is also the unspoken ghost of a woman who came between them and left them both. It’s a good read, closer in scope to Powder than the magisterial This is Memorial Device. You could look for copies here: https://www.pomonauk.com/

 

 

 

 

 

 

Atelic Club

The season’s done. My whites are washed, and the cricket bag is back in the spare room wardrobe. I’ve loved this season, despite everything, and have no plans to retire yet. So, here are the numbers for my 2025 season. 18 times selected, 14 games played, involving 1 win, 13 defeats, 2 abandonments and 2 concessions. I took 4 wickets at 25 each. I scored 16 runs at a pleasing average 2, run out 4 times, bowled 3 and stumped once. Twice not out and 4 times DNB. Here’s a look at the last 6 weeks of a season when Tynemouth 3s finished bottom of NTCL Division 5 Central.

August 9^th:

This day will go down as one of the best days in the whole of the 2025 season as, for the first time, all 3 senior sides were victorious in their respective fixtures. Pride of place must go to the first XI, who comprehensively defeated previously unbeaten table toppers Burnmoor at Preston Avenue by the impressive margin of 6 wickets. Bowling first, Tynemouth dismissed Burnmoor for 166. The day began with George Stewart taking the first three wickets to fall, two in his first over, and returning the excellent analysis of 5-1-17-3. The visitors never really recovered from the shock of being 16/3, as Bish (15-4-35-2), as well as a run out, and skipper Martin Pollard (14-3-30-2) bowled with accuracy and menace. Dan McGee and the unretired Phil Morse also took a wicket each, meaning the target for Tynemouth was an eminently gettable one. So it proved, with Ben Debnam and Jack Roys each contributing 46, Faizan Ghumann (30) and Robbie Bowman (23*) seeing the Croons home after only 46 overs. This win lifts Tynemouth out of the relegation zone and offers a real opportunity for progress in the remaining 5 fixtures.

The 2s travelled to Tynedale and found things difficult with the ball on the tight ground in Hexham, with the home side posting a daunting 291/3 from 55 overs. On a day when bowling figures are harsh reading, Josh Koen (10-3-33-1) fared best. However, this was a day for batters and almost the whole side contributed to a fantastic win, achieved with 3 balls to spare. Chris Fairley and Zach Larner, enjoying something of a Bradman 1930 summer, top scored with 62 each. Marcus Turner made 45 and the victory was achieved courtesy of Barry Stewart’s unbeaten 55, though Chad Koen (19), Patrick Hallam (16) and skipper Andrew Smith (11*) all played their part as well

The week has seen a seismic change in the fortunes of the Saturday 3s, who are no longer bottom of NTCL Division 5 Central. Firstly news came from the league that Leadgate had fielded an ineligible player in 5 games earlier in the season, for which indiscretion they had their pants pulled down to the extent of having 124 points deducted. One of those games was on April 26^th at home to Tynemouth, which has been awarded to the gallant Croons, presenting us with 30 points for the game, rather than the 6 amassed on the day. As your correspondent was in Aberdeen that day, watching Cove Rangers 2 Kelty Hearts 2, he can take no credit for this unexpected bonus. However, courtesy of a battling 1 (run out) on Saturday against Belsay, after suffering a sickening blow to the elbow that almost rendered him hors de combat, he played his part as the 3s strolled to 1 wicket win over Belsay, with whom they swapped places.

With regular skipper Richard Hay enjoying the sights of the Antrim Coast, rather too late for the golf at Royal Portrush alas, the team was helmed by Alosh Jose. In a feat leadership that would have met with Hay’s approval, Jose bowled a quite remarkable spell of 8-3-9-3, supported superbly by George Bogg, who also took 3 wickets, and Ansel Anil with 2. As a result, Belsay were dismissed for 118 in approximately 35 overs. In reply, the young tyros Adam Blake (28), who is quickly becoming an aggressive attacking opener, Will Bogg (20), George Bogg (19) and Kai-Lewis Main (17) had the game seeming won at 93/2 after 14 overs. Once Main had been needlessly run out, the old guard proved less durable at the wicket, so it was left to Alan Hiscock (0*), but a wonderful catch in the first innings and debutant Kim McKenna (2*) to steer the team home. Kim’s nerveless performance was a joy to behold and the voluble applause as she effortlessly pushed the winning run off her hip and down to the vacant fine leg area, were both warranted and sincere. This made my birthday weekend one I’ll treasure forever.

The Sunday 3s also travelled to Tynedale. The home side batted first and made 215/8, with George Bogg picking up 2/39 and wickets for both Aditjandras, Lewis Hurst and Olly Hiscock. In reply, despite a wonderful knock by Stewart (77), an excellent supporting effort by Ewan Aditjandra (37) and a brave innings by Cameron Donachie (23), Tynemouth fell short by an agonising 3 runs, closing on 212/9.

This was to be the sole victory I was involved in the entire season. It was a fairly hairy one as well. The opposition only had 10 and didn’t know how to score, so it was lucky we dismissed them with plenty of overs to spare. At 93/2, I was umpiring and enjoying our batting performance as we seemingly cruised to victory. Wickets fell at a clatter. I got ready, strode in at 9, hit a single, kept the bowling and, with 3 needed, essayed a suicidal single to midwicket. Inevitably I was out by miles and therefore hid in the container, avoiding seeing the next over. When scores were level, I peeked out and saw Kim hit the winning run. Oh how marvellous it felt not to lose, but the opposition team were great sports as well. The atmosphere in the club was celebratory that night I can tell you. Possibly for the only time all year.

August 16^th:

On Saturday 16^th August, Tynemouth CC first XI played host to Ashington at Preston Avenue. One player not available for selection was Robbie Bowman, but for the best of reasons, as Robbie had made his debut for Durham's 1^st team the night before in the One Day Cup against Northants. He did well too, scoring 27 runs off 34 balls and taking a smart catch behind the stumps. Everyone at Tynemouth was delighted to learn of his selection and we all wish him well in the future, having watched his rapid development over the past few years. Robbie first played for Tynemouth as a 10 year old in our under 13 team scoring 30 not out (retired) on debut in 2018. Since then he has scored over 4,000 runs for the Club and developed into one of the best young players in the North East.

Meanwhile, his erstwhile colleagues pulled off another highly important win, their second in a row, completing the double over Ashington in the process. The visitors batted first and had a calamitous start to their innings, falling to 0-2 as Bish was on a hattrick in the first over. Eventually Bish returned the magnificent figures of 9-4-24-4, as Ashington stumbled to 11-3, 29-4 and 51-5. They recovered somewhat to 225 all out, with the unretired Phil Morse (3-47) and captain Martin Pollard (1-30) exercising control when other pace bowlers struggled to match Bish’s brilliance. Early in the innings, Dan McGee split the webbing between his fingers, preventing him from bowling and necessitating a trip to A&E, causing Jonathan Larner to step up to the plate and field. Thankfully, Dan returned and was able to bat, with his 21 proving pivotal as Tynemouth won the game with a leg bye off the final ball of their scheduled 45 overs, by a margin of one wicket. There were many helpful contributions to this excellent team performance. Stan McAlindon (43) top scored, with Jack Roys (42) pushing him close. The two Matts, Kimmitt (39) and Brown (27) also weighed in with important runs and Phil Morse’s 20 cannot be ignored either. With 4 games to go, Tynemouth are 9^th in the table, 9 points above the drop zone. It is imperative the team keep this momentum going forward into the away game at Sunderland next week.

The 2s began their week by bowing out of the Roseworth Trophy at the semi-final stage, losing an away game to Felling by 45 runs. The home side batted first, posting 134-5, with George Bogg claiming 2 wickets. In reply, Tynemouth subsided to 89 all out, despite early runs from Zach Larner (28) and Andrew Davison (25). On Saturday, they travelled to Ashington and gave a much better account of themselves but still lost by 26 runs. Ashington made 243-8, with the mature pairing of Barry Stewart and Richy Hay each claiming two scalps. The returning Matty Walton also took a wicket and contributed a handy 41 in support of Andy Linehan (77), who was the top scorer. Despite a helpful 28 from Chad Koen, the total proved too much for Tynemouth, who ended on 217-9.

After the elation of last week’s convincing win over Belsay, the Saturday 3s fell back to the bottom of the table after losing to Washington 2s by 3 wickets. Batting first, Tynemouth could only muster 74. Top scorers were Alex Tugby (23) and Rich Harland (16), before a lovely, late order cameo by the swashbuckling ian cusack (5), before he was predictably run out. Each bowler did their best in a losing cause, with Olly Hiscott (1-16), Cameron Donachie (1-10), the lovely, flighted off spin of Alex Littlefair (1-16) and the lethal full tosses of Rich Harland (2-23), one of which saw the sprightly cusack take an acrobatic catch at mid-wicket, kept Tynemouth in the game until the very end. It was a great team performance that included two women players (Jen Fingland and Kim McKenna), causing furious debate as to what collective noun would be used to describe the team (“comrades” being the most popular choice). A word must be given in praise of debutant Bibin Nainan, who recovered from the setback of being given out LBW first ball by the myopic cusack, to take two superb catches and effect a run out. This team tries their very hearts out, whatever the line-up or opposition.

The Sunday 3s completed their campaign with a comprehensive home win over Felling Academy, assuring them of third place in the table. Batting first, Tynemouth made an imposing 258-7 from their 35 overs, largely down to a remarkable performance by Zach Larner. His unbeaten 171 came from 92 balls, with 26 boundaries and one maximum. Second top scorer was Joel Hull-Denholm (32) and Cameron Donachie (17) also chipped in. Felling’s reply was 186-9, with 3 wickets for Joe Chater and two each for George Bogg and Cameron Donachie. Well done to the youngsters!!

This was a really good competitive game for us. Easy to say now, but if we’d got to three figures, we’d have won this. I actually batted quite well, as 5 was my second highest score of the season. Tickled my first ball down to fine leg for a couple, when a proper player would have flicked it over the fence at square leg. Hit the next one back over the bowler’s head for another 2, which would have been a boundary if I could time the ball properly. Another single out to point and then, in the next over, I called another single to mid-off and was well short. Man has to know his limitations. Did take a good catch at midwicket from Richie Harland, but didn’t get a bowl as they squeezed home, with 10, by 3 wickets. A nice day out in the sun, enjoying a couple of pints outside their clubhouse in the sun. It’s a real shame how Washington have fallen from grace in recent years and I wish them well in the Durham league, where they are transferring to for next year.

 August 23^rd:

Another great Saturday for Tynemouth Cricket Club, with both the first XI and the 2s winning their games against Sunderland 1s and 2s quite comfortably. This was of particular importance to Kieron Grimshaw, who has joined Tynemouth until the end of the replacement for Bish. Having been selected to play for North East Zone in the Duleep Cup which begins next week, Bish has returned home to India after a productive and personally successful stint with The Croons, for which we are all immensely grateful. His replacement, arriving from Rishton in the Lancashire League, who have previously employed such storied professionals as Syndney Barnes, Allan Donald, Michael Holding and Viv Richards, Grimmy is a genuine all-rounder, bowling at a brisk medium pace and batting right handed. He is a supporter of his hometown team Burnley, who also enjoyed the support of Kieron’s team mates yesterday as they dismantled Sunderland football club with the same degree of ease as Tynemouth did to their cricket team.

Batting first at Ashbrooke in a game where victory was the only option available, Tynemouth posted a formidable 270/6 from their 45 overs. Plaudits go to centurion Stan McAlindon (101) and another fine knock from Matty Brown (76). Ben Debnam (32*) provided great support, coming in lower down the order. In reply, Sunderland never looked remotely like making the runs required after the new pro reduced the home side to 16/2. Grimmy’s analysis of 8-2-16-3 will do for starters on debut. Sunderland eventually closed on 171, with other notable bowling contributions from skipper Martin Pollard (2-15), Andrew Smith (2-41), Dan McGee (2-58) and the economical Josh Koen (1-23). With sides around us in the table also winning, Tynemouth remain 9 points from relegation, making next week’s home game against Hetton Lyons another must win fixture.

Tynemouth 2s hosted Sunderland 2s at Preston Avenue and eventually prevailed by 5 wickets. Batting first, the visitors closed on 182/6 with Neil Bennett (2-30) and Noah Rae (2-53) the pick of the bowlers. The 2s scored the runs required with a shade under 13 overs to spare, for the loss of 5 wickets, including the clear LBW of the season for club chair Andy Lineham (2). The main run scorers were Marcus Turner (58), Chris Fairley (54*) and Patrick Hallam (42).

Tragically, the Saturday 3s were stricken by unavailability and could only muster 8 players for the game at home to Annfield Plain 2s. The inevitable concession, the fourth of the season, leaves them 20 points adrift at the bottom of the table. Such a shame after all the effort that has been put in by everyone involved. Your correspondent was thus free to indulge in his other sporting love, Percy Main Amateurs FC. They lost 6-1 at home to Hexham.

A pretty rotten day as holidays meant we couldn’t get a team out, making for a wholly unacceptable fourth concession of the season. The least said about events at Percy Main the better. At least I got to a great gig that night, seeing Lava Mouse in Whitley Bay. Oh, the words in praise of Grimmy were rather wasted, as he turned his ankle the next day and was ruled out for the season. Typical…

 August 30^th:

Despite posting an impressive 261/6 from their 45 overs at Preston Avenue, Tynemouth first XI lost a potentially crucial game to Hetton Lyons by a margin of 4 wickets. The home side’s total was largely made up of efforts by Faizan Ghumman (71), Matty Brown (67), Stan McAlindon (52*) and Matthew Kimmitt (44). When Tynemouth reduced the visitors to 139/5 after 27.3 overs, with 3 wickets for Brown, it looked as if a home win was in the post. Sadly, a game-changing 6^th wicket partnership of 124 in 14 overs swung the contest the way of Hetton Lyons. They considerably eased their relegation worries, as did Ashington who won away at Chester le Street. The team currently in second bottom place are Shotley Bridge, whose game with Burnopfield was rained off. Tynemouth, who hold a slender 9 point advantage, visit Shotley Bridge next Saturday.

Meanwhile Tynemouth 2s had a considerably better afternoon at Hetton Lyons. Batting first, they made 224 all out from 42.1 overs. Marcus Turner (61) top scored, with support coming from Ben Debnam (46) and Joel Hull-Denholm (40). In response, Hetton were dismissed for 86, giving Tynemouth the victory by a margin of 138 runs. Skipper Andrew Smith (5/22) was the star of the show, ably assisted by Neil Bennett (2/14). The 2s currently sit in 5^th place in NEPL Division 2.

The 2s lost again, by 9 wickets to Cowgate 2s. Batting first, Tynemouth made 110 from 32 overs, with notable contributions from both George and Will Bogg. Unfortunately, Cowgate decided to avoid the chance of rain affecting the outcome by scoring the runs required for the loss of one wicket (a stunning catch by Richard Harland from the bowling of Cameron Donachie) in 8.4 overs.

To my enormous chagrin, I wasn’t originally selected for this fixture. However, the usual raft of withdrawals meant I got my game after all. As expected, they put us in to bat and, in the context of our season, 100 wasn’t bad. I came in at 9 again and edged my first ball from a quickie over the slips, but not with enough power to reach the rope. Alosh played out the rest of that over and I faced the office from the other end. Five dot balls; three missed and two hit on the pads, miles outside the line, so I decided to give him the charge. Huge race down the pitch, missed it by a mile and stumped again. We took a wicket in the first over then their batters bludgeoned us to all parts of the ground, and it was over in a flash. Unsurprisingly, Cowgate went up as Champions.

September 6^th:

Following a damaging 26-run loss away to Shotley Bridge, Tynemouth first XI find themselves in a relation spot with one round of fixtures to go. The season will end with the visit of South Northumberland to Preston Avenue next Saturday, a daunting enough prospect at the best of times. Even if Tynemouth win, their fate is still not in their own hands as they are still reliant on either, or both, Ashington losing away to Newcastle and Shotley Bridge losing at home to Castle Eden. However, the team retains belief that they can maintain the record of being one of only 3 sides never to have been relegated from the North East Premier League since its inception.

On Saturday, Shotley Bridge batted first and posted 264/9, with wickets being claimed by Andrew Smith (3/30), Matty Brown (3/42) and Dan McGee (2/41). This was a stiff target and, despite fine contributions from Brown and Matthew Kimmitt, both of whom scored 57, supported by Faizan Ghumann (28) and Stan McAlindon (22), Tynemouth were all out for 238, leaving the final day shootout detailed above to decide the club’s fate.

Tynemouth 2s shaded a compelling contest against Benwell Hill by 4 wickets. The Hill batted first and made 226/8, with Neil Bennett (2/33) and George Stewart (2/45) the pick of the bowlers. In reply, the 2s made it home off the last ball, with Marcus Turner (94*) leading the way, ably supported by Stewart (37), Andrew Linehan (25) and Chris Fairley (21). Regardless of next week’s results, they will finish in 5^th place in NEPL Division 2, which is a respectable state of affairs.

The Saturday 3s were already condemned to relegation and the 231-run loss to GEMS 2s on the back field was immaterial to final league results. Because of injury and unavailability, the role of captain fell to the ageless ian cusack, who won the toss and very little else thereafter. Opting to field first, for the purpose of making as long a game of it as possible and giving as many players as possible a bowl, this objective was achieved, with 7 players turning their arm over as GEMS posted a mammoth 275/2. In a sense, this did not matter as Archie Goel (2/63), Cameron Donachie and Kim McKenna all bowled their full allocation in an entirely praiseworthy manner. Harrison Goel and Adam Blake also acquitted themselves admirably. However, the less said about Richard Harland and the skipper’s efforts the better. In reply, Tynemouth sadly never really made a contest of it, subsiding to 44 all out, with Arthur King (13) top scoring and hitting the only boundary of the innings. That said, everyone was involved and stuck at it to the end. Seeing Harrison Goel, in at 11, reverse sweep the first ball he faced made the whole thing worthwhile.

From not being selected initially last week, to having to captain this week. It’s a thankless task when you’re at home: sorting drinks, organising the batting line up, rotating the bowlers. I made a decision in advance that if we won the toss, I was going to bowl, which I did. This disappointed both their skipper and the umpire, both of whom clearly wanted a sharp finish. My reasoning was, I wanted to give everyone a bowl and I did; full 9 overs from Archie, Cameron and Kim, 4 each for me and Richy (I went for a million), 3 from Blakey as we was the only left armer available and 2 for young Harrison. They may have got 275/2, but I reckon I did the right thing. Sadly, we didn’t do anything with the bat, though I hit a couple of singles for an unbeaten 2. All about the red inkers in this game. Enjoyed a few pints afterwards with ex-teammates Jimmy Carr and Jim Scoffham to make it a canny day out, despite the result.

 September 13^th:

Sadly, Tynemouth first XI’s attempt at the great escape from relegation on the final day of the 2025 cricket season ended in a whimper, not a bang. Despite Shotley Bridge losing and Ashington seeing their game rained off, Tynemouth were not able to secure the win that would have resulted in safety. Rain curtailed the visit of South Northumberland, meaning only 27 overs were possible before the weather intervened. South Northumberland had advanced to an intimidating 172-1 at this point, with Dan McGee taking the sole wicket to fall.  An afternoon of intermittent showers and strong sunlight was eventually brought to a halt, despite the sterling efforts of groundsman Paul Jackson and the home team to get the game on, at 5.40pm. This confirmed Tynemouth’s relegation, and the sad reality is that the end of season table does not lie. Demotion was borne with dignity by the team, who will seek to bounce back next season, under a new skipper as Martin Pollard has announced his retirement from senior cricket. We thank him and all the players for their unstinting efforts in what has been a difficult season.

There was little to cheer about in the reverse fixture at Roseworth Terrace, where the 2s lost by 7 wickets. Batting first, they were dismissed for 101, with Zach Larner (26) and Barry Stewart (23*) providing some resistance. South North reached the target in 24 overs, with wickets for Andrew Davison and Joe Snowdon. As stated last week, the 2s finished the season in a respectable 5^th place in NEPL Division 2.

Meanwhile, an approximation of the true spirit of aquatic cricket took place on the back field at Preston Avenue. Playing away to Lions, who sublet the ground, Tynemouth 3s fell to a routine 8 wicket defeat. Invited to bat first by a Lions team who had one eye on the weather, the 3s managed 50 all out. Adam Blake (12) attacked from the off and joint top scored with Ben Harland (12) who accumulated his runs doggedly. At the end of the innings, a torrential downpour could have brought proceedings to an untimely and unsatisfactory close. However, those present were gathered to play cricket and, postponing tea, the sides turned round with alacrity. Lions deserved the win and this they duly achieved in 7 overs for the loss of two wickets. The first was claimed by ollie Hiscott, who belatedly celebrated his birthday in style (and a dozen luxurious cupcakes provided by his parents). The second and final wicket was another triumph in a season of them by the experienced cusack, who augmented his eye-catching 0 in the Croons’s innings, by having Rahman stumped from an extravagantly flighted delivery. It was a ball worthy of bringing down the curtain on any season, especially one as woeful as the one just endured by the 3s. Next season will see them competing in Division 6 Central, with the enticing prospect of the white hot atmosphere of local derbies against the likes of Monkseaton 2s, Percy Main 2s and Whitley Bay 2s.

Obviously the 1s relegation cast a cloud over the whole day, but quite a few drinks and some great chat with a load of folks helped to overcome the results. We expected to get stuffed, and we did, but in the right way. After everyone getting a bowl last week, we all got a bat this time. Though my 5-ball duck won’t live long in the memory. Bowled middle stump, beaten all ends up, no arguments about that. Enjoyed having a bowl. First time I’ve taken a wicket in a jumper and a downpour. Lots of pints and even some shots of Sambuca, not to mention several large G&Ts healed the pain on Saturday night, while reinforcing it on Sunday.

Winter well everyone.

 

 

 

 

 

Principal Edward's Tragic Theatre

NUFC; May 25 - September 1, 2025...

You know me; I love nothing more than an obscure late 60s / early 70s psychedelic, prog folk outfit nobody under the age of 70 has heard of; Dr Strangely Strange or the Incredible String Band, for instance. Recently I outdid myself, coming across the eclectic collective Principal Edward’s Magic Theatre, who were a 14-piece multidisciplinary ensemble, incorporating acid-drenched wig outs, dance, lightshows and poetry, formed at Exeter University in 1968. They were the first act signed to John Peel’s Dandelion label, despite his producer John Walters describing them as “arty farty nonsense” and business partner Clive Selwood calling them “the most pretentious act” he’d ever come across. On buying a copy of their debut album Soundtrack, I can confirm both descriptions are highly accurate, and I’m elated to have such a recording in my possession. Arriving on Saturday 30 August, the day when Peel would have turned 86, it acted as a soundtrack (pun intended) to the last knockings of the vile spectacle of Newcastle United’s dealings in the final days of the transfer window, which inspired me to pen this ditty to our (thankfully) former, wantaway striker -:

 Free Alexander Isak

Free, free, free, free, free Alexander Isak

 Free Alexander Isak

36 months in captivity

Wages too small to meet his greed

His body unused but his agent still here

Are you so blind that you cannot see? I said

Free Alexander Isak, I'm begging you

Free Alexander Isak

Wants to join up with the LFC

Happy to shit upon the Toon Army

Are you so blind that you cannot see?

Are you so deaf that you cannot hear his plea?

Free Alexander Isak, I'm begging you

Free Alexander Isak

Revisionist analysis of the time that followed our Carabao Cup win over Liverpool (Isak scored the winner; remember?) has sought to portray Isak as being ineffective, unfit and unmotivated. I don’t actually accept this analysis. Remember, we were still in with a shout of finishing second until the penultimate game of the season. The 7 games following the Wembley triumph saw us win 5 and draw 1: not the form of an uninterested side, or player, simply phoning it in. His reaction to securing that last CL place was as ecstatic and effusive as everyone else on the pitch and in the stands that day against Everton.

How, and why, his head was turned and on what basis we may never fully understand. If, as he claims, he was given a promise last summer he could either have a new contract that would make him twice as rich as Croesus or be allowed to leave, then I can almost see his point, especially if the verbal agreement was made by someone who is no longer involved with the club. However, the way he went about securing his demands absolutely stunk, as did the response of the club. Now students of Newcastle United’s history will know there were precedents of behaviour akin to Isak’s strop. I’m not just talking about Dyer’s disdainful handling of the captain’s armband at Boro in 2004. I don’t know much about Hughie Gallagher’s move to Chelsea in 1930, but I seriously doubt the fiery little forward left without burning a few bridges. The recently deceased George Eastham, in engineering a move to Arsenal in 1961, changed the transfer system forever. More recently (relatively speaking), Pop Robson calling a press conference in January 1971 in the Swallow Hotel, to explain why he was disillusioned with the club. In response chairman Westwood (is a pirate) fined the player the princely sum of £100 and told him to submit a transfer request or shut his mouth. He did just that and was sold to West Ham within days.

Perhaps, that’s what the club should have done. But behind closed doors and by that I don’t mean the entrance to Ciaran Clark’s abode that was slammed in the face of Jamie Rubens when he begged Isak to stay. I still can’t understand why Isak was allowed to down tools and not face some kind of sanction. Surely, as a contracted player, he remains a club employee and should be expected to behave as such. Whatever the moral and legal minutiae of his conduct, it rapidly became clear there was no going back. I’m glad he’s gone, but I will always remember the goals he scored. It is also a strange irony that his behaviour seemed to inspire Yoane Wissa to act in a similar fashion with Brentford to engineer his move to Tyneside. I’m not happy he did that, but I’m glad we’ve got a proven PL striker, even if we’ve lost any right to the moral high ground in the aftermath of the Isak charade.

That cataclysmic saga that finally came to an end on the evening of Monday 1 September has understandably diverted all attention away from a hugely problematic summer on Tyneside that has, somehow, probably strengthened both the pool of talent available and the bond in the changing room, even allowing for the impotent rage of those who see likes on Instagram and wishes of good luck for Isak from current players as gross treachery. It isn’t really, is it?

So, we have signed 6 new players (Elanga, Ramsdale, Ramsey, Thiaw, Wissa and Woltemade), improving every area of the team, even though the Twitterati have already passed judgement on Elanga as being “worse than Franz Carr,” as well as two for the future, Cordero and Park, and dispensed with the services of 9 others (Dubravka, Kuol, Hayden, Isak, Lewis, Longstaff, Targett, Wilson and Vlachodimos) of varying levels of competence. I’m very sad to see Sean go, but he’s signed for a good club, who I hate (though then again I hate every club to a certain degree, especially Newcastle United at times), while I also recognise the sterling work done for us in the past by Dubravka, Hayden and Wilson, even the latter was an absolute liability when he played last season, combining the match sharpness of Mark McGhee in his final season with the predatory instincts of the aged Ian Rush. I suppose both did score winners in the FA Cup from about 18 inches though. The less said about both Kuol and Lewis the better. I’m glad that the raw talent of Osula wasn’t sold, for the rumoured reason of improving our PSR standing. I like the kid, but I don’t know if he’ll ever be consistently at the standard required, though it’s good he’s got the chance to prove himself. Best of all, we retained the services of Harrison Ashby and tied down John Ruddy for another year.

Seriously though, the particularly galling thing about the conclusion of our business dealings is that it was effectively seen us throw away 7 points from our opening 3 games. With a proper strike force in place, we would have easily dismissed both Villa, who have suddenly gone from being deadly foes after the events of Sunday 24 May 2009 to comrades in arms against the Premier League’s Big 6 cartel, and dirty Leeds. We could also have beaten Liverpool, though I doubt the fire in the players’ bellies would have been quite so intense, were it not for the Isak situation and the unfortunate dismissal of Gordon.

The delay in signing players was in stark contrast to the noises coming out of the club at the end of last season. In the immediate aftermath of the limp loss to Everton, which coincided with our fortuitous claiming of the final Champions’ League place and the riches that entails, Howe announced that the club would get any transfer business done early. Great words, but not what happened in reality. Sporting Director, the shadowy Paul Mitchell, quit and his job was allegedly taken over by Eddie’s nephew, Andy Howe. Now just pause for a minute and imagine if it had still been the halcyon days of the Ashley era and a relative of Brooooth had been given a spot on the payroll. True Faith would have spontaneously combusted.

However, despite time wasted on the fruitless pursuit of targets such as Ekitike (how I would have loved a palindromic player at SJP), Trafford, Pedro, Sesko and latterly Strand Larsen, things seem to have worked out for the best, with one big proviso. Both Woltemade and Wissa need to produce the goods pretty sharpish. The run of games before the October international break will see us play 7 times between Saturday 13 September and Sunday 5 October. As we’re currently sitting just above the drop zone, the 4 league games need to see some tangible progress up the table. We need to put down markers in the Champions’ League (oh how I wish I could head to Brussels for the RUSG game) and the Carabao Cup defence begins against Bradford, who have had a decent start to the season.

I should just say I’ve not seen any of our games live. Cricket commitments saw me miss the Villa and Leeds games, while a malfunctioning fire stick sabotaged any attempt to watch the Liverpool game. Remarkably, I could hear the crowd from my back garden. Amazing noise levels. Then again, I find myself more interested in watching Sportscene and the Football League Show as the Premier League is too good. I cherish mistakes and brutish play. Obviously managerial press conferences are a source of comedy gold. My mate Little Richard has developed a pathological fear of Portuguese men, partly because of Mourinho’s antics over the years, but reinforced by the egotistical paranoia of Marco Silva and the bizarre antics of Reuben Amorim, who must be a safeguarding concern these days. I’ll miss him when he’s gone. Unlike Isak.